May 29, 2007

The Nanny Diary

The SAHM vs. WOHM debate is an active one – in the media, on the playground and on the UrbanBaby message boards. In today's two-income households, a nanny is an ever-increasing presence that fuels the hot topic of moms and work.

Magazine editor and mother Lucy Kaylin explores this complex relationship in her new book, "The Perfect Stranger: The Truth About Mothers and Nannies." After speaking with mothers, nannies and babysitters, Kaylin outlines the challenges, joys and emotions from both sides of this intimate issue. Below, she shares some wisdom on how to find the best person to help keep your children (and yourself!) happy and safe:

Take the plunge. It can create a bad dynamic, Kaylin explains, when a parent in search of a caretaker does not completely surrender to the idea of bringing someone into the home who will function as a surrogate. Acknowledge that the position is a full-time, demanding job. Parents who have guilt or denial may not acknowledge this, which may cause confusion down the line.

Be clear and complete. Be upfront with yourself and your prospective hire as to what the job entails. Do not minimize the hours, involvement or what kind of initiative the babysitter or nanny will be allowed to take.

Check references and investigate. Dig beyond the superficial facts that a potential nanny is "nice" and "loves children." Look for the hard-to-find, subtle information that makes a difference to you and your family.

Ask questions. Inquire about specific situations that apply to your household. Kaylin suggests questions like, What does the nanny do to calm down a child who is having a tantrum? What's the policy for older children using electronics? What is her philosophy on feeding, toilet training and sleep issues?

Decide your approach. Uncertain choices will cause anxiety and ambivalence down the road. Make decisions early on and be comfortable with them. Are you going to be a nanny cam person? If so, be clear about it – if you feel you need a second set of eyes on your nanny, own it.

Be honest and unambivalent. This includes being honest with yourself. "Be clear in your heart and mind about where you stand on all of it," Kaylin advises. "Are you sneaking off to work, or are you proudly saying this is the choice you've made? It's all about being honest with yourself about what you can and cannot do."

Available online at amazon.com.

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