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08.15.15, 16:38 PM General Topics
83 replies
I can't stop thinking about a conversation last weekend. A friend, I'll call her J, is over for dinner while DH takes 10yo DS to a friend's house to spend the night. On our second bottle of wine, J and me are talking about a co-worker who is about to get married very young. Supposedly this is her first serious boyfriend. J and I both waited until our early 30s to marry and I think this is the best time. We had lots of interesting experiences and then settled down at just the right time. Then H suddenly comes in the door a little early and J pulls him into the conversation and asks his opinion on how many lovers someone should have before marrying. This is what H says: "Zero." We start to laugh but H doubles down on it and says "when (our DS) is older, how many previous boyfriends do you want his future wife to have had?" DH is imagining some fairytale life where our DS meets the perfect girl while they're still teenagers or something. J and I are laughing but he still says "wouldn't that be perfect? you asked me for the ideal, didn't you?" The whole thing really freaked me out. I didn't know that he was so, idk, backward? I thought any second he would say "just kidding" and give a real answer, like maybe she needs to experience both good and bad, learn what she likes and doesn't like, and become mature enough to commit before she marries. But a day later DH is still unrepentant and says that he wishes he had met me when we were as young as possible! I told him I wouldn't ever take back anything I had experience before him and he acted all mopey. Anybody else have a H who thinks this way? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 08.15.15, 04:38 PM Flag
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He sounds romantic but immature. As long as he isn't otherwise cray, just chalk it up to a little retro romanticism. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 04:40 PM Flag
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OP. I guess so. But it was the "immature" that I was feeling the whole time. I just wasn't expecting that kind of answer at all and it was like a ton of bricks. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 04:44 PM Flag
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You're DH is a fan of the Twilight series. Big fuckin deal. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 04:33 AM Flag
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He sounds insecure about his wife's past and how he compares to her past experiences. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 12:09 PM Flag
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Wtf? You're wrong a novel? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 04:41 PM Flag
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lol it certainly did get long! sorry! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 04:43 PM Flag
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np: That was my first reaction...don't got time to read all this! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 04:50 PM Flag
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A lot of men are very weird about the thought of "their" women being with other men. Even if they don't hold the same mental standard to themselves. In your DH's case, it could also be just a smidgen of reaction to the hook-up culture of youth that he is no longer part of, and he's having kind of a fascination/revulsion thing with it. If it's sex you're having, it's fine, but when it's sex that other younger people are having, it's off-putting. Just spitballing here. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 04:45 PM Flag
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I think you may be on to something because H was never part of that culture! He only had a handful of girlfriends before meeting me and while I guess I should be happy that he considers me his "only one", I still feel like his ideal somehow invalidates the experiences I had before marrying him, like he wouldn't want our DS to marry a woman who also had them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 04:53 PM Flag
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You're probably on to something there, too. Also, just as a general thing, no one really likes to think of their kids having sex, period. You logically know it will happen, but "as little as possible" is a more comforting thought, if you were forced to express one on the subject. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:00 PM Flag
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His exact words were "If I could erase all the experience I had before I met you, I would". I didn't know what to say to that, because my opinion (which I'm having a hard time keeping to myself) was the opposite! I wouldn't "erase" any of the experiences I had before meeting him; not one; they made me who I am today. I imagine our son's wife, far in the future, feeling the same. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:05 PM Flag
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I agree with you, it's a bit strange. He's lumping his previous sexual experience into things he regrets, while you're taking the practical stance that all experience, positive and negative, is at least informative. I'm not sure there's any real reason to chase all this down, it doesn't sound like it would turn into a productive conversation between you. I'd probably let it go, life has been what it has been, and it will be what it will be, regardless of his mental retrofits. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:12 PM Flag
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That's what I'm thinking, all experience is positive. I had good times and bad times and was happy to meet DH when I was more mature. I can't see why he wouldn't want his son to marry a woman who did the same and is confident and ready when she finally meets DS. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:21 PM Flag
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Double standards :) We all have them when it comes to our kids: Do as I did except when it's something I did which I don't want you to do ... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:26 PM Flag
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I don't think the OP's husband is guilty of a double standard. He clearly wishes he had spent his entire sexually-active life with his wife and wishes that his son could have that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:35 PM Flag
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That is a ridiculous and backward thing to wish for in this day and age. Almost abusive. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 07:17 PM Flag
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I would stop short of saying that OP's DH "regrets" his previous sexual experience; rather, he wishes he could have had additional experience with the woman he eventually married instead of spending it on relationships that ultimately went nowhere. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:26 PM Flag
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Maybe the women he was with enjoyed those relationships even if they went "nowhere"? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 07:18 PM Flag
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Whatever, zzzzzzz [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 04:50 PM Flag
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What's really backwards is that his focus is on how many previous partners the woman has had, with no expectations that his son will remain a virgin until marriage. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 04:54 PM Flag
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It sounds like he does expect or hope for that, given that he wishes he had met the OP while still a virgin. At least that's how I read it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 04:56 PM Flag
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OP. I should have said "how many lovers before meeting the one you eventually marry". That was the question we were wondering about and what J asked DH. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:00 PM Flag
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In that case I think your DH's opinion is just fine. Your son meets a nice girl while still in HS or college, they're in a committed relationship for a while, they get to know each other, and they marry and have that lasting bond that's hard to get these days. Where's the problem? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:36 PM Flag
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The problem is that our son and his future wife will have no chance to explore themselves and learn what they want in life if they meet while too young. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:56 PM Flag
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Why can't they "explore" together? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 12:07 PM Flag
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Nowhere in OP does DH say he hopes his son is a virgin until marriage; only that he wishes his own wife had been and hopes his son finds a virgin. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 12:08 PM Flag
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That would have weirded me out too. I met DH at 30, married him at 32. If I had met him at 16, I probably would not have married him. We were the people we were at 30 because we were on our own before that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 04:55 PM Flag
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Exactly. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:13 PM Flag
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I guess it's one of those things that are strictly a matter of preference. I can't tell you how many great guys I tossed aside in my 20s because I just wasn't ready to be married. There was really not anything wrong with any of those guys, I'm sure they all would have made great DHs. If I could do it all again, I would do it exactly the same way. I didn't have a boyfriend for much of my 20s, I spent time with my friends, traveling, growing my career, exploring my hobbies. I wouldn't trade that time for anything. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:24 PM Flag
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Are you married now? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:37 PM Flag
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Yes. Met DH at 30, married at 32. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:43 PM Flag
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Something tells me that OP's DH got "tossed aside" a lot while young and is trying to spare his son from that, even if it means locking up an attractive young woman while she's still way too young! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 06:00 PM Flag
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You are so right. He was probably a very nice guy- he got married at 29, so marriage was in some way important to him- who got tossed aside by girls who weren't ready. Good analysis! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 06:39 PM Flag
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OK, but he seems to be expecting that the woman who marries his son will be willing to marry him and forego all those life-enhancing experiences that you and the OP enjoyed. What right does he have to expect this of a woman in these modern times? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 07:14 PM Flag
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OP. Almost the same age! I was 31 and DH was 29; we married the next year. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:23 PM Flag
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I think it was the perfect age, IMO. There are people on here who married in their 20s and people on here who married in their late 30s, and I don't look down on their decisions, but 20s would not have worked for me, and by my late 30s, I probably would have been so ready for a DH that I would have scared off all eligible candidates. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:32 PM Flag
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OP. Same here. Our friend who we think is marrying too soon (to her first-ever boyfriend) is only 24. She's never done anything crazy; never made any mistakes. I just don't think it's going to work. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:39 PM Flag
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All but 2 of my friends who married in their early 20s are now divorced, (I know, I know, anecdotes and all that). But I could see it going either way- either she's a demure rule-follower, and she'll be fine (both of the women I know who married young and are still married fit that bill), or she'll wake up one day and realize "WTF?! I only get one life and this isn't how I want to live it" [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:46 PM Flag
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OP. This is EXACTLY the thing we think will happen to our friend. Thinks that this boyfriend is great, but it doesn't work out, and she's miserable, and then she's left on her own past 30 and not even knowing what she wants. She has to live life first. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:53 PM Flag
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Another DH, just offering one data point: my wife was in her early 20s when we got married (I was over 30). We *really* love each other and she has no regrets about not experiencing more men when she was young. While it would be infeasible for her to be my only partner -- I'd be arrested; she, being much younger than me, was under 10 when I had my first girlfriend! -- I'm still glad that the vast majority of each of our experience with sex is with each other. She is womanhood to me and I am manhood to her, and our kids can see that love in us. Wouldn't happen if we had met each with a dozen relationships under our belt. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:48 PM Flag
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So people with lots of relationships can't be happy then. I see. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:54 PM Flag
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He sounds ugly. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 04:56 PM Flag
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OP. He's not that handsome but he certainly isn't ugly! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:00 PM Flag
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YOU sound ugly. (Nah, just joshin'. I don't see why anyone would think wanting to meet the love of your life while still young makes you ugly, though.) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:01 PM Flag
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Unrepentant?? All he said is it would be nice to have met you younger and had more time with you and he wants his kids to have a life of as much happiness and as little bullshit as possible. You sound annoying. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 04:59 PM Flag
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+1. One of those women who demands her husband must view things as she does. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:03 PM Flag
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But it's natural for spouses to expect each other to be in sync on important issues. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 07:15 PM Flag
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+100000000 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 06:01 PM Flag
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Sometimes things work out better id you meet the right guy early. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:10 PM Flag
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OP. I think I met mine right on time. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:12 PM Flag
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Talulah Riley stayed a virgin until she met the right guy and her reward was a husband who is a billionaire. Elon never would have married her otherwise [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:11 PM Flag
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I would not want to be married to Elon Musk. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:13 PM Flag
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Speak for yourself. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:26 PM Flag
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I did. I said "I would not want to be Elon Musk". I didn't say "No woman wants to be married to Elon Musk". [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:28 PM Flag
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Be Elon Musk or be married to Elon Musk? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 07:15 PM Flag
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Head in the sand apparently... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 04:15 AM Flag
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Sorry- would not want to be MARRIED to Elon Musk. Would love to be Elon Musk [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 11:47 AM Flag
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Ewww and lol [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 12:24 PM Flag
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Husband here. I'll give you hard numbers: I met my future wife (at age 22) three years after having sex for the first time (in college). If I could go back in time and have my wife be my first and only, with her magically appearing in my dorm three years before I met her in reality, I would take it. No question. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:11 PM Flag
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This [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:12 PM Flag
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No, not this. This husband is saying that he would take another three years from the woman who eventually married him. He has no right to want to take them away from her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 07:16 PM Flag
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The dh here doesn't want his son to marry a ho bag. I get that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 12:25 PM Flag
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So those three years are meaningless to you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:12 PM Flag
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Husband again: who said they were meaningless? They were not, but my relationship with my wife would be that much deeper had I met her while still a very young man. My grandparents had this; our generation does not. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:18 PM Flag
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Plus, a big part of the resson so many white women in .manhattan are infertile is becsuse of STDs they got in college [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:26 PM Flag
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Haha; hadn't even considered that! But why "white"? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:33 PM Flag
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Your relationship with her would be "deeper", but her life experience would be "shallower". Do you not see a problem? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 07:20 PM Flag
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There's no problem. A deep relationship between both spouses has been the ideal since the beginning of civilization. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 02:03 AM Flag
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Easy for you to say now but if you never had sex with anyone else you'd feel differently. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 02:49 PM Flag
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TL:DR [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.15.15, 05:25 PM Flag
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I wish I hadn't. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 04:34 AM Flag
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General Topics 08.16.15, 07:16 AM Flag
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You and your friend J are being ridiculous. There's nothing wrong with meeting a great person while still young. An analogy to the work force: I had a number of terrible, unpleasant jobs before finally finding a great one in my late 20s. All those unhappy jobs only made me bitter; if I could have had the great job I have now, right after graduating, I'd be a lot happier. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 09:30 AM Flag
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+1. In the whole story what really bothered me was IP's and J's gossiping and thinking they did it all perfectly. Disgusting shallow outgrown party girls [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 11:53 AM Flag
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What is wrong with thinking you did everything perfectly? And thinking that the co-worker is making a mistake? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 03:43 PM Flag
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this post was sounding interesting until i read the entire thing [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 02:06 PM Flag
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It would have been interesting if her husband has been willing to think rationally. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 03:43 PM Flag
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DH here... Your husband has a natural desire to not see his DS marry the town slut. However, marrying a virgin is probably better on paper than in reality. A woman who is a virgin into her early 20s probably has some kind of sexual hang-ups that don't bode wel for future marital fun. It also leaves her forever wondering what other schlongs are like--dangerous. The bigger issue is making sure DS gets his taste of what's out there before tying himself down to one woman. I entered into a monogamous relationship with my DW at age 22 and had girlfriends/experiences before that but nothing on the scale that I could have achieved as a good looking guy in New York City making a lot of money in his 20s and 30s. I love my DW and the family we created but I think an ideal situation for another young man would be to wait a while until you are really a grown independent man of means, take down all the highest quality tail you can find (and make this a priority--forget hanging out with your buddies), and marry a woman in her mid 20s who has some experience but isn't a ho bag. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 02:44 PM Flag
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I think your "ideal situation" is ideal for both sexes. Experience all kinds of things, travel, lovers of different races and backgrounds, and then when you want to settle down, you get together someone who is ready for that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 03:37 PM Flag
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OP, how would your son even find out about his wife's past? That is no one's business, not even your spouse. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 03:45 PM Flag
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I agree; he should not be asking her this. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 04:28 PM Flag
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I've been married for 30 years and I can't relate to this at all. My DH has NEVER in all these years asked me how many men I slept with before I met him. Never seemed interested in knowing. I don't know what his number is either. We both knew we weren't marrying a virgin. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 06:28 PM Flag
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It wouldn't make you happy to know that more of his previous experience has been with you than you expected? Wouldn't make you feel closer? Genuine question; not rhetorical. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 08.16.15, 06:34 PM Flag
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