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02.22.15, 06:12 AM General Topics
69 replies
I recently found out that my dh had slept with quite a few more women than I'd been led to believe. He was about 40 when we married, had never been married before, and I had never really quizzed him about his history beyond a few of the serious gf's. I'm not worried that he's cheating or that he has diseases (we've been checked), but I'm curious what other people would say is a "too high" number in regards to a dh's list of previous sex partners... [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 02.22.15, 06:12 AM Flag
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I think it's personal and relative. For me, over 10 would be a lot. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 06:14 AM Flag
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As long as he's committed to me now, I don't care how many people dh slept with before I met him. We never discussed it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 06:15 AM Flag
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This. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 01:08 PM Flag
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Mine slept with a pretty good amount. I'm curious, though, and like to know exactly how many, always knew. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 06:17 AM Flag
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My dh never wanted to discuss his dating history with me nor discuss mine. He gets upset even when I would try to tell funny stories about ex bfs in college or high school. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 06:18 AM Flag
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Cray [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 06:18 AM Flag
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It is a little weird. I think it is just due to insecurity. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 06:20 AM Flag
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I'd still be curious. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 06:20 AM Flag
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DH and I don't talk about past relationships or sex partners. We never agreed not to or anything; neither of us brings it up and it just never happens. Probably because we were both over 35 when we got married, so it's just, "well, yes, we both have a long past, but it's in the past and old news, and we have a lot of other things to talk about." Maybe when we're 75 and we've run out of things to say, we'll start going through past partners for fun. :-) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 11:12 AM Flag
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None of my business, so I don't care. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 06:29 AM Flag
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I guess fine as long as not diseased, though anywhere north of two digits would be a bit off putting as would any paid participants. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 06:45 AM Flag
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Lol, paid participants. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 06:46 AM Flag
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Does "north of two digits" mean more than 99, or does it include 10 through 99? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 07:12 AM Flag
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I'm thinking I could handle, say, 78. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 07:18 AM Flag
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"North of" means more than, so "north of two digits" means 100+. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 10:20 AM Flag
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I wouldn't as but for me after 25 yrs of dating so about 300 months of dating if you get a new partner every 3 months you are up to 100. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 07:55 AM Flag
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Lol, my dh was 35 when we married and he probably hooked up every other weekend! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:39 PM Flag
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ooo. worse than me! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.23.15, 06:56 AM Flag
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I think about one a month is acceptable when single, maybe more. So I'd expect 200+ from a never married 40 year old. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 08:50 AM Flag
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This. DH and I didn't marry until he was over 40, so I'm guessing that even if I asked, he wouldn't know the actual number. And I don't know mine, so I'm certainly not throwing stones. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 09:07 AM Flag
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Is that for both men and women? (This isn't said in polite company, but a man can still bond with a wife even after having 100 partners; a woman can't bond to her husband nearly as well.) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 10:04 AM Flag
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That's silly. I'd love to see any peer-reviewed study that supports such a notion. Of course a woman can have sex with multiple partners and still be able to make a commitment and form a bond with another person. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 10:18 AM Flag
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All my friends who had lots of fun while young are unhappy with their lives in general and particularly their husbands in their 40s; the ones who married their only boyfriends, or who only had one or so relationship before meeting the men they married, are generally happy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 10:44 AM Flag
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So, your solution is for people to have less experience in life, so they have lower expectations and don't know what they're missing? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 11:07 AM Flag
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Well, yes, when "less experience" leads to greater happiness down the line. I've never "experienced" mugging another person, committing grand larceny, or being beaten up, and I'm glad I haven't had these experiences [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:22 PM Flag
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You compare sex with crime and violence? That explains a lot about your attitude. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:37 PM Flag
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This is just a restatement of the Philosophy 101 question thrown at every freshman: Would you rather have very little knowledge about the world and be blissfully happy, or know about all of the poverty, war, and other tragedies and never feel that happiness? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 01:06 PM Flag
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They're not happy because they chose poorly. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:41 PM Flag
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Your (anecdotal) evidence would seem to speak more to the fact that some people may not be happy in long-term monogamous relationships, not that having one phase of life that is not monogamous and another phase of life that is monogamous works for men but not for women. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:42 PM Flag
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People are generally about as happy as they choose to be. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 01:11 PM Flag
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Sorry, but if they spent their 20s having fun, and now in their 40s they are unhappy with marriage and children, it's because they bought into the nonsense that "everyone must grow up, get married, and have children to be happy and fulfilled". It's simply not true, and if they aren't happy, they just need to stick it out til the kids are out of high school and then go back to having fun. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 01:13 PM Flag
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So how many partners can a woman have before a successful marriage is off the table? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 10:18 AM Flag
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This. 2? 10? 50? 99? At what point does a poor, silly woman's brain become too sexually addled to have a serious relationship? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 10:25 AM Flag
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Lol - bonding. I've never thought of falling in love with dh as bonding. That is how you describe parent/child relationship. Sounds weird to me [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:41 PM Flag
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The reason it isn't said is it is bunk [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:40 PM Flag
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Well said. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 01:03 PM Flag
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If my guy and I don't marry, he will soon be a 40-year-old never-married man who has only had two partners. A hundred times that many is disgusting. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 10:11 AM Flag
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There is also such a thing as too few partners. At 40, two is not enough. There is something wrong with him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 10:19 AM Flag
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There's nothing wrong with him; there was his first girlfriend when he was in his early 20s, and then soon after he met me. We've been together for well over a decade. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 10:41 AM Flag
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So then he is actually a married man who had only had one other partner at 25 when he effectively married. Quite a different story than "he's single at near-40 and has only had two partners". [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 11:14 AM Flag
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+ [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:23 PM Flag
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But we're not married; a LTR is not the same as a marriage. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:30 PM Flag
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You just insulted a lot of people in committed relationships who have chosen not to bother with the legal paperwork. Their commitments are just as real and just as strong. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:38 PM Flag
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No one has been insulted. The step of standing in front of God (or the deity of your choice) and pledging yourselves to each other for ever and ever is a pretty important one. If you haven't made that pledge, you're not married. Full stop. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 03:26 PM Flag
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So it would have been okay with you if he had dated other women and had sex with them while you were in the relationship? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:38 PM Flag
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Please [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:42 PM Flag
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Apparently it is to your boyfriend. Maybe you should have this discussion with him before you make it "official" - he may be surprised to learn that you have not been committed to him for the last decade! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:45 PM Flag
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After "over a decade", you do not see yourself as married, in fact if not in name? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:58 PM Flag
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Wait, wait, you've dated a guy for well over a decade and you don't think there's anything wrong with that? "Dating for over a decade" has no business being uttered by anyone other than high school or maybe college sweethearts. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 01:15 PM Flag
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THIS [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:42 PM Flag
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Two partners that he has told you about. Obviously he was smart enough to read the room before answering the question. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 10:34 AM Flag
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I'd be very surprised if he had had more before meeting me, or if he had cheated. I "underestimated" how many partners I had when I told him about it, but I very much doubt he "overestimated". He's an old-school loving, caring man who's very shy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 10:42 AM Flag
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You can spin it any way you want. But as long as his problems make both of you happy, then at least you've taken each other off the market so no one else will be unhappy, so it's all good in the end. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 11:09 AM Flag
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NP - "problems"? They seem happy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:16 PM Flag
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She thinks "old school, loving, caring" = "problems". Hahahhaa. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:31 PM Flag
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I think "very shy" is a polite euphemism for socially inept. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:39 PM Flag
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+1 Or for massively afraid of rejection - he'd rather risk not having sex at all than put himself out there and risk rejection. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:47 PM Flag
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that's a lot of mucus membrane involvement [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.25.15, 08:26 AM Flag
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More than an average of 1 partner per month from age 16 to marriage is too many. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 09:06 AM Flag
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that was my sentiment above, so for hte 40 year old unmarried man, this is 24 years x 12 months [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 11:04 AM Flag
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This reminds me of joke 288. I'd tell it here, but it's two gross. (Bahahahaha!) (Sorry. So very sorry.) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 11:09 AM Flag
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Not everyone begins having sex at 16. The average is something like 18-19; early college years. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:17 PM Flag
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Not everyone does, but it is perfectly normal and acceptable, so I would not hold it against someone if they had more sex partners because they started at 16. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:39 PM Flag
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My eh slept with women in the 3 digits. It was dx drugs and rock n roll - post birth control pill pre AIDS. It's no big deal to me. I had my fair share of men (15/20) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:38 PM Flag
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Autocorrect! Sorry [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:43 PM Flag
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I'd never share numbers if I was in this situation. Too much of a trigger. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:53 PM Flag
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+1 When asked, I say, "I've had enough experience to learn what I like and how to treat a partner well, but not so much experience that I'm bored or cynical." [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 12:59 PM Flag
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You should be flattered he picked you from all those choices. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 02:16 PM Flag
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I married my attractive, engaging husband when he was in his mid 40s, and I was 10 yrs younger. he was my 10th partner, and I remember each distinctly. he slept with over 100, doesn't know the exact number, and says he wouldn't remember most of the names or faces (though he could remember a kaleidoscope of body parts. mostly, I don't care, but sometimes I compare myself to the dozens of 25-30 year olds he fucked, and I feel kinda ill, but then that passes, and it's nbd. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 02.22.15, 03:20 PM Flag
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