I got engaged over Christmas. I am really unhappy, though. This will sound shallow but I am pissed the ring is so much smaller than I imagined. My finance can afford better. How do I bring this up without hurting his feelings?
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01.02.15, 12:43 AM
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You don't.
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01.02.15, 12:44 AM
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+. Suck it up and get another ring on another occasion.
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01.02.15, 02:54 AM
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If you care that much about the size of the ring and this is making you so unhappy (when you should be celebrating the engagement), I predict your marriage won't last.
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01.02.15, 12:45 AM
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+1
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01.02.15, 12:46 AM
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This. Already her princess fantasy is falling apart.
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01.02.15, 12:53 AM
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Yup. Looking bad. Buy yourself your own damn ring next time.
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01.02.15, 01:16 AM
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+2. You're acting like somebody who is mentally ill. Maybe he's saving $$? Stop being so materialistic and focus on the things that matter
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01.02.15, 05:32 PM
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Freud lives: she referred to him as "finance".
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01.02.15, 08:54 PM
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Lol
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01.03.15, 12:43 AM
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+1 Freudian slip
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01.03.15, 02:00 AM
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ftw!
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01.03.15, 02:11 AM
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Amen!
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01.03.15, 12:43 AM
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Clearly, you can't. Maybe this is a sign that he's better off without someone so shallow?
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01.02.15, 12:45 AM
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True.
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01.02.15, 08:52 PM
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You don't sound like you're getting married for the right reasons. Save both of you time and grief and simply return the ring. You'll never be happy with this guy.
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01.02.15, 12:45 AM
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ita. Maybe he's testing her because he's suspicious about her motivations?
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01.02.15, 12:48 AM
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Or he's not into overly large jewelry.
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01.02.15, 01:08 AM
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IF that's the case, he's really f-ed up as well and all the more reason to split.
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01.02.15, 11:07 AM
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Bring it up tomorrow and I promise you'll be back on the breadline looking for a new fiancé by this time next year.
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01.02.15, 12:47 AM
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Breadline? Interesting idea of what marriage is about.
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01.02.15, 12:51 AM
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She is treating it like she is owed something, so she can go wait in line hoping for someone else to hand her a fresh loaf.
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01.02.15, 12:55 AM
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Agree. Is it about the marriage or what she is entitled to from the fiancé?
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01.02.15, 08:50 AM
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You can't. But - you should break up. You guys are not compatible. OSPM
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01.02.15, 12:47 AM
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OSPM?
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01.02.15, 12:50 AM
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Depends , what's the size? I would think under a certain size you would be upset. If it is really small, you won't be happy wearing it
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01.02.15, 12:49 AM
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It is about 1 carat
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01.02.15, 12:51 AM
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Perfectly fine.
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01.02.15, 12:53 AM
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Ok , it's not that bad. I see rings that have 10 little stones made to look like one big one. Really depends on his income. Maybe you can upgrade on your anniversary?
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01.02.15, 01:10 AM
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An "upgrade" on a gift he gave her to say he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her?
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01.02.15, 09:42 AM
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Say nothing. But make it up with the wedding band- get a sparkler.
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01.02.15, 12:51 AM
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This is what SIL did. Engagement ring was 2.5ct. Wedding ring was 3, so now she has 5ct+. Oh, and they got divorced last year after three years of marriage.
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01.02.15, 12:55 AM
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She had to "make it up" for a 2.5 carat ring?
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01.02.15, 01:16 AM
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that's gross
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01.02.15, 02:03 PM
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I think you should just tell him the truth. Then he can realize what a spoiled brat you are and save himself from a lifetime of misery before its too late.
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01.02.15, 12:52 AM
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Excellent.
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01.02.15, 04:08 PM
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Maybe he knows you are money grubbing and he is saving for the wedding?
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01.02.15, 12:54 AM
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Is it possible that he just doesn't know? Engagement rings cost a small fortune and he may have had no idea what's "normal" and what's not?
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01.02.15, 12:54 AM
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np She says above it's about 1 carat. Perfectly fine size, imo. Especially if of high quality. It any case, it's hardly like she'll need to carry around a magnifying glass so show of a diamond chip.
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01.02.15, 12:56 AM
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What is his income and how much do you think he spent?
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01.02.15, 12:54 AM
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Your "finance" can afford better. Mother of all freudian slips you (unsuccessful) gold digging ho.
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01.02.15, 12:55 AM
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lol. Good catch.
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01.02.15, 01:13 AM
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There are no accidents...
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01.02.15, 01:21 AM
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Oh my hahaha. This is the best freudian slip I've seen in a while.
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01.02.15, 05:32 AM
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DF was in a similar situation and she explained to fiancé that she wanted what she wanted and he didn't mind if she went and exchanged. So, she added $$ , got a better ring, and better style. Then - engagement broke up!!
When she finally met her now DH they got married at city hall NO ENGAGEMENT ring and she doesn't care and loves him. They have a DS and are a happy family.
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01.02.15, 12:56 AM
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this is a nice story :)
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01.02.15, 12:58 AM
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It is?
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01.02.15, 01:02 AM
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Np: yes, the gold digger gave up on that line of work and embraced love.
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01.02.15, 01:04 AM
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For the record, she has her own money! She's particular about what she wears, very stylish in a classy way.
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01.02.15, 01:12 AM
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There is nothing more "stylish" about a bigger diamond.
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01.02.15, 01:22 AM
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Hey, I posted it and I think it's a great love story!
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01.02.15, 01:08 AM
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lol
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01.02.15, 02:55 AM
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+1 Great love story. Thanks for sharing.
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01.02.15, 06:59 PM
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My dw pushed hard for me to get her a very nice ring, which ultimately I did, and even offered to kick in a lot of money to get there. Neither of us had any real money at the time, and lots of student loans, so my caution around dropping 15k on a diamond wasn't irrational. Now we've got plenty of money, but her offer to contribute to the ring still pisses me off. Totally insulting and demeaning to my manhood and pride for a gesture that was supposed to be a precious representation of our love. If I ever feel guilty about letting her down in some way, I think of this and all that guilt goes bye bye fast.
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01.02.15, 01:09 AM
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You have bigger issues
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01.02.15, 01:17 AM
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Explain...
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01.02.15, 01:20 AM
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You completely resent her. Pretty huge issue
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01.02.15, 01:24 AM
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I dont think of this everday but when the issue of spending money on an engagement ring comes up, I am reminded. I am entitled to resent things from the past. Lord knows she does.
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01.02.15, 01:30 AM
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Wow, this is one of the most psychologically fucked-up things I've ever read. Get a grip or get some real problems. - np
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01.02.15, 01:31 AM
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Why? A young man is gathering whatever resources he can reasonably pull together to buy a piece of jewelery as a gesture of endless love for his intended bride. Intended bride says, what you are able to offer me isn't good enough and basically says she'll buy it herself. What kind of self-respecting man would be cool with this reaction.
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01.02.15, 01:37 AM
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np But you got her the ring she wanted anyway.
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01.02.15, 06:05 AM
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True. Her ploy worked. Shame me into spending more. She's been doing it ever since.
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01.02.15, 01:35 PM
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"Precious representation of our love." Sorry, you sound like a pussy.
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01.02.15, 08:52 AM
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True. He should have dumped her greedy ass then.
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01.02.15, 12:54 PM
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NP - I sympathize completely. I never wanted an engagement ring because furniture for our new home was more important. I now design jewelry on the side for fun, and the wholesale prices I pay for diamonds is ridiculous. They make great gifts and bring in enough income to pay for themselves many times over, but I caution all the girls I know to set better priorities than a rock she could lose.
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01.02.15, 09:57 PM
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PS - I occasionally wear a 10 carat canary diamond surrounded by white diamonds and everyone thinks it's just a cocktail ring. I designed it in platinum and no one ever guesses its value because of its size. They tend to make a fuss when I wear white topaz, though. It proves that most people know a lot less than they think.
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01.02.15, 10:04 PM
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You do not. You will look amazing for taking the ring as it is. It could even be a test. Chill out and enjoy daring your more materialistic friends to say something.
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01.02.15, 01:11 AM
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Good point. Who is more important? Fiancé or friends?
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01.02.15, 08:54 AM
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Good point. Who is more important? Fiancé or friends?
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01.02.15, 08:54 AM
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It's a one-carat diamond. To some of us, this is not "taking the ring as it is." It's a nice ring. Barf!
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01.02.15, 02:13 PM
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This is why I told dh what kind of ring I Wanted beforehand. I told him 2-3 and he got me a 3 with an amazing stone and setting. I'm sure people would call me shallow but I don't care. I got the ring I wanted. Love dh and have 1 dc and 1 on the way
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01.02.15, 01:13 AM
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You sound lovely.
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01.02.15, 01:17 AM
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3 is so cheesy and nouveau. I know you don't care though.
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01.02.15, 01:18 AM
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Nope. Love my ring
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01.02.15, 01:23 AM
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I think large rings are kind of tacky and impractical in real life. My dh had a 3.5 caret diamond from his grandfather, but I asked for something more reasonable. One caret's are perfect, IMO.
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01.02.15, 01:19 AM
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He gave me the large stone in a necklace a few years ago, but I rarely wear it because there are few opportunities to rock a large diamond.
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01.02.15, 01:20 AM
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Mine is 1.25 and I love it. Has some side stones but basically just a pretty tasteful ring.
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01.02.15, 01:23 AM
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*one-carats
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01.02.15, 09:44 AM
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+1 I have a beautifully cut solitaire that is just over 1 carat and its so pretty. I see bigger diamonds out there that look clunky and cloudy next to my little sparkler :)
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01.03.15, 02:12 AM
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Based on your comment that it's a 1 carat diamond, I think many people here will have little sympathy. That is a perfect diamond, not small at all. A high quality 1 ct is not cheap. You could discuss upgrading on an anniversary and offer to pitch in for something more expensive. DH and I got engaged in college and the ring was significantly different than my "dream" ring--but I was grateful for it. We're both pitching in for an upgrade this year.
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01.02.15, 01:21 AM
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Pitching in. Pathetic. Your dh is a eunuch.
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01.02.15, 01:25 AM
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OR - You sound self-centered and entitled. It's essentially a luxury item for *myself*, so why shouldn't I contribute?
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01.02.15, 01:29 AM
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No. It's a gift from your husband symbolizing his devotion. Whatever he can afford is good enough or should be. You want to piss money away on luxury items then buy yourself a handbag.
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01.02.15, 01:39 AM
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x2
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01.02.15, 05:41 AM
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From someone who has btdt, it's not a big deal. I got a nice ring, but now it sits in the safety box most of the time. Most of my DFs don't wear their engagement ring on a daily basis after kids. The real problem is if he can really afford much more, it may show he is a cheapskate, which is not good.
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01.02.15, 01:23 AM
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Maybe he doesn't see the point of throwing a pile of cash at something that's not a big deal.
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01.02.15, 01:29 AM
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They're not suitable if he doesn't find it a big deal and she does.
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01.02.15, 01:33 AM
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This. If she needs a big shiny rock to show off to her friends, and he knows that diamonds are one of the biggest scams in the commercial world and wants to save money for something with value, they are not suited.
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01.02.15, 09:45 AM
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THIS. Hallelujah, amen.
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01.02.15, 12:33 PM
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This x 10000000000
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01.02.15, 05:14 PM
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DH wanted to buy a bigger ring for me, but I asked for smaller and higher quality. I don't like the statement a huge ring makes and it's impractical. Very happy with my near flawless 1 c. I wear a blingy ring on the other hand when we go to a gala or something like that.
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01.02.15, 01:25 AM
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+1 I'd prefer a perfect smaller stone than a huge crappy stone.
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01.02.15, 01:34 AM
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I have a beautiful high quality one carat ring. Any larger is tacky imo
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01.02.15, 01:36 AM
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A one carat ring is a speck unless you are a tiny woman with tiny hands.
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01.02.15, 03:28 AM
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Not all of us have lumberjack hands...
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01.02.15, 09:45 AM
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Ok man hands.
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01.02.15, 12:54 PM
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I'm a very large woman. The ring I'm wearing right now is a size 10 with a half carat center stone with a quarter carat on either side. The setting is platinum, the stones are flawless, I'm in NYC and I get compliments all the time because this ring dominates my hand and is gorgeous. -np
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01.02.15, 10:10 PM
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If you just got engaged and you're unhappy, this marriage is not destined to end well. It should be about the marriage, not the ring, not the wedding. When it's right, it will be easy, and you won't care about the small stuff.
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01.02.15, 06:08 AM
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+1. At milestone anniversaries, I've traded up. It's about the journey. Do you love him or the ring?
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01.02.15, 08:53 AM
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We know what you love.
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01.02.15, 09:46 AM
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Oh honey, you can work with this. I hope it is a quality diamond. You simply get a 1 carat band to make up for that, then at your one year anniversary add trillions. It is the perfect starter ring and he sounds sweet, a real gem. Good luck and congratulations!!!!
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01.02.15, 01:57 PM
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My engagement ring wasn't even a carat. Married 25 years.
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01.02.15, 02:16 PM
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Doesn't a one-carat ring cost AT LEAST $5,000? That's what it looks like to me, based on a google search. That's a lot of money to spend on a ring!
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01.02.15, 02:18 PM
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If you are real, then chill out. 10 years from now you won't care. And if you do, then it won't matter to you to upgrade. DH and I got a small ring (0.5 carat) when we were engaged because although we had access to money, at the time we didn't think it was worth putting it into a ring as we had more pressing priorities. Once we had dealt with those priorities I had a tinge of regret and for a few years wanted to upgrade the diamond, and now that we have plenty of money for me to do it, I really can't be bothered. Not that I am emotionally attached to the ring, just because I know now that I am older that these things don't matter one little bit.
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01.02.15, 04:03 PM
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You "finance" probably has a good sense of priority on how he wants to spend his money. You sound very superficial and immature.
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01.02.15, 04:07 PM
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I would much rather have the 1 carat ring that my DH picked out personally for me than a hand me down I got from MIL. I feel like MIL holds this over me, like I owe her something bc she gave me her ring.
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01.02.15, 04:55 PM
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My engagement was small (we were students and he couldn't afford much). On our 10 year, he bought me an anniversary ring. Now, I wear the anniversary ring most days but occasionally wear my engagement ring and wedding band together. I also find that I like to wear the simple gold wedding band by itself, no diamonds or bling. Your engagement ring will always be special because it's symbolic. If you like nice jewelry, over the course of your lifetime together, you'll have opportunities to add to your collection.
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01.02.15, 04:57 PM
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My husband got me a $35k engagement ring. I actually had him return it because it was such a waste of money and I didn't want the burden of posting insurance if wiring about losing it. Jewelry is a very silly obsession. You can't use it. It does not hold value. There is a weird price inflation because it is a cartel product. All intents and purposes, people should just wear costume jewelry. There is no practical difference. It seems a very silly, uneducated want.
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01.02.15, 05:34 PM
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The honest answer is that you can't. If he is anything like my husband (who is fabulous in almost everything), he is probably clueless about what you would like/expect. After many really bad gifts while we were dating (which I acted really happy about), I told him outright that I didn't want an engagement ring. Best thing I ever did. After we got engaged, we picked out our wedding bands together and I have a really well designed interesting ring with no big stones. It is totally practical for everyday living. I would suggest if you are not happy wearing it, ask if you can return it and perhaps just go for the one ring look. You can be involved in the selection, and solitaires are kinda over in my book.
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01.02.15, 06:10 PM
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PS After 20 years of marriage, I now tell him what I want for birthdays/Christmas. He finds gift giving very stressful, and I have accepted it as part of who he is.
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01.02.15, 06:11 PM
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A lot of people, even though they can afford them, find big rings really tacky.
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01.02.15, 06:17 PM
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I have a little less than one carat, and my husband and I both make plenty of money. He went looking for rings and found one that he thought was beautiful and that he thought I would enjoy wearing for the rest of my life. We are celebrating five years tomorrow, have two toddlers, and I love him so much more now than the day that I married him (which I wouldn't have even imagined was possible back then!) I am big law--and yes, my colleagues have MUCH bigger rings than I do. But I have learned as an adult that the size of the ring in no way indicates the happiness of the marriage.
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01.02.15, 06:18 PM
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Wait until you get married and then go for a bigger ring.
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01.02.15, 06:32 PM
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Eh, if you are still focused on that after you get married, you picked the wrong guy. And he certainly picked the wrong girl.
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01.02.15, 06:35 PM
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Consider how much bigger your next house will be with the savings on the ring. Think big picture. House is way better than a ring.
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01.02.15, 06:57 PM
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This
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01.02.15, 07:14 PM
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If it isn't your taste, that is one thing. I can see being disappointed in not liking it, or feeling like he doesn't know your style.
If it is about size, you're materialistic and care about the wrong things.
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01.02.15, 08:12 PM
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The fact that you call your fiance your "finance" is such a Freudian slip....
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01.02.15, 10:17 PM
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LOL I love it. I just hope he gets the heads up and sees right through her.
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01.03.15, 05:37 AM
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Google "DeBeers Diamond Myth Marketing" and find out how worthless your rock really is and how buying a larger one is an even bigger waste of money.
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01.03.15, 02:56 AM
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I've been wearing a ring I hate for 12 years. Don't say a word unless you want to be down a finance.
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01.03.15, 04:11 AM
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