I am EXHAUSTED.. I have posted before about my friend who has bone cancer. i was at the hospital with her until 4 in the morning. Had to get up at 8 for breakfast for Mother's Day with the family and then had to take her son to see her in the hospital. He is such a raging asshole to her. I tried for a long time to be patient with him and sympathetic to him having a hard time that his mom is sick. i can't take it anymore. He never answers her questions, got her a mothers day card and refused ti sign it, wouldn't give her a hug or kiss at the hospital, kept bitching that he didn't want to be there, and to top it all off he shoved her yesterday when he was cussing her out. Just needed to vent...thanks.
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05.13.12, 11:25 AM
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How old is he? It's hard to understand the situation not knowing his age. 5 years old would be one thing but 15 or 25 is another.
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05.13.12, 11:34 AM
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12
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05.13.12, 11:37 AM
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It's still really hard to witness but you have to forgive it in a 12 year old and have compassion for him. There are many ways a 12 year old seems mature but really they're just children emotionally. Adolescence is a really difficult time developmentally in a child's life. I understand you hate seeing him do this but I think it's really terrible for this kid if you are judging him harshly and he is aware of it. You need to be the grownup and the better bigger person here and find a way to connect to this kid or at least try even if you are rebuffed.
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05.13.12, 11:40 AM
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How old is the DS? Not that his age would excuse his behavior, but it could partially explain it. I went through something similar with a friend but she lived 3000 miles away from me, so most of my "help" was over the phone, except at the end. It's good that you live in the same city and can see/support your friend in concrete ways.
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05.13.12, 11:36 AM
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reminds me of the scene from terms of endearment. probably, just like deborah winger's character, your friend sees beyond his childish antics. hang in there and continue to be a good friend.
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05.13.12, 11:44 AM
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This is exactly right, and I also thought of that character immediately. He is acting like this to subconsciously disengage himself emotionally from his mother, not realizing he is trying to protect himself against the trauma of possibly losing her. He is also quite possibly "angry" with her and just not old enough to handle his emotions in a better way. I wonder if he is seeing any counselor at his school, or if there are any other resources available to help him through this. If he doesn't receive help, sometimes it's very downhill afterwards. Where is the son's father?
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05.13.12, 01:28 PM
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This is the part where he's pulled aside in the hallway and given a stern talking to for his attitude problem. When he badmouths again, a slap in the face, or a bent ear. I'm sorry but his mother might be dying and he is going to absolutely regret the way he is behaving and treating her in her last days if she doesn't make it. You still have to guide his behavior and you have to be stern that that is completely inappropriate to take out his frustration on his mom. I know he wants her to get well but she needs to not worry about him to recover. Yes it does remind me of Terms f Endearment as well.
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05.13.12, 12:49 PM
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that's where the debra winger character tells her son that he's been a real jerk and that someday he might grow up and look back with regret. but she says that he must never do so because she knows he loves her and that she never held any of it against him and that she understands. when he gets older, he must always know that she loved him through it at all, despite it all and never feel sorrow that he caused her grief in her final dats. and i hope we all feel and tell the same under the same circumstances.
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05.13.12, 01:09 PM
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His mother is dying, so give him a break. Slapping him in the face? Are you out of your mind?
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05.14.12, 07:47 AM
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OMG. You are a wonderful friend, and I can understand how tough this must be to witness and have to deal with. However, he might be trying desperately (without even really consciously realizing it) to separate from her. This might be some strange self-protection thing where he can distance himself because he feels she's not going to get better. It must be so painful to watch your mother die and he probably doesn't have the emotional skills or maturity to deal with it at all, and the pain and the anger he must have at the disease is manifesting itself toward her, and then he must feel so guilty and hates himself, making him even more mean and miserable. I'm so sorry.
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05.13.12, 01:04 PM
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^^^ I'm not saying it's ok.
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05.13.12, 01:05 PM
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This must be so incredibly hard for you. Also so incredibly hard for her son, no where near an emotionally mature level to be able to handle this. Cannot imagine the anger he is having. I am sending you calm vibes to deal with him and energy to be with and help your friend.
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05.13.12, 01:05 PM
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What hospital is this? Is there a pediatric wing that also has a child-life team? Would be great for him to have a place to do an activity with a specialist while he is there sometime. Child life specialists have a master's degree and would know how approach this.
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05.13.12, 01:09 PM
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^^if there is a team like this and even if her son will not talk with anyone they are a great resource for you. They should be able to give you pointers on how to handle this or for your friend. GL
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05.13.12, 01:11 PM
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This is good advice! Even w/o a pediatric wing, oncology should have social workers w/experience w/kids whose parent is ill.
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05.13.12, 01:31 PM
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Kids feel abandoned by terminal parents. He needs support and love now and not a slap in the face (as someone suggested). Geez. You are a great friend, by the way.
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05.13.12, 01:14 PM
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So your solution is to just let him continue on being a raging asshole? This is why kids are spoiled today and have no respect. People think they can 'hug' the bullying streak out of kids and it simply doesn't work. Kids walk all over parents and have no respect. If you don't tolerate that behavior, it won't happen. Period. I would much rather have someone who cared about me take me out into the hall and communicate that my reaction was over the top, then let me continue being a total a hole to my sick mom.
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05.13.12, 01:38 PM
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get a freaking grip. let this be between the child and the mother. leave your personal feelings about societal breakdown out of it.
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05.13.12, 01:48 PM
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My point is the mom is too sick to do much about it. Maybe it's more of an aunt or uncle or grandparents place to give the reality check. I'm not saying they shouldn't get support and love, of course, but you don't tolerate abuse of the elderly, why tolerate abuse of the sick?
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05.13.12, 01:53 PM
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+1. Grief is a process and anger is one of its stages. The poor kid needs some professional help, not a lecture about bullying or abuse.
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05.14.12, 09:39 AM
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Didn't you read the above responses explaining this behavior? If you still think that your post was appropriate, I feel sorry for people who have to deal with your harshness in real life.
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05.13.12, 02:18 PM
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NP I had a sick mom growing up. YOu don't know what you are talking about if you think this is the kid just being a "raging asshole." He is in mourning and has no skills yet to cope. They need to get this child some support from a therapist and/or group therapy with other kids his age. This is VERY normal and he needs all the compassion people can give him.
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05.14.12, 09:51 AM
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A male family member needs to be alerted and step in. Is there a Dad, Uncle or Grandfather available?
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05.13.12, 02:24 PM
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Good idea, the kid needs help.
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05.13.12, 02:31 PM
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Yes. He needs help, but probably from a professional to sort this out. If the Mom dies and he never got a chance to work this through and apologize and come to terms with this, he could hate himself for the rest of his life. God bless you for being such a good friend.
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05.13.12, 03:54 PM
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Things are spiraling out of control for him and he needs some loving boundaries. When he begins to act up, he should be taken out into the hallway to calm down. He should not be permitted to curse or shove. If he isn't seeing a therapist already, he is going to need one. This is extremely difficult for a child and he needs help processing his feelings so that he can be present with his mom during this time. As others have said, he is going to regret the way he acted later on (and probably feels guilty already, which may be making him angrier).
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05.13.12, 07:35 PM
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Maybe you should leave them alone together or stay outside the room if it bothers you that much. He may resent not being alone with her.
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05.14.12, 07:50 AM
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+1 - he also doesn't really need to be at the hospital every day. Hospitals, unfortunately, are all too often lacking in assisting family members who are directly impacted by the patient's condition.
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05.14.12, 09:35 AM
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He needs someone to talk to, like now. Can someone arrange a therapist or social worker for him? He's probably feeling terrified, angry, abandoned and he's looking for someone to blame and right now it's misguided. I have some experience in this department and it's very common for the people (even grown ups) closest to the patient to feel uncontrollable anger. It just is. For the record, I'm not a lax parent. Compared to other UBers I'm at DefCon 10 on the strict scale. But this does NOT sound like a matter of discipline to me.
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05.14.12, 08:02 AM
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ITA. I still remember when I was a 'tween and a close relative was dying. Hospital people in terrifying white uniforms kept criticizing me for reasons I didn't understand, and the adult relatives joined in to displace their own anger and sadness. I hope things have changed enough that this poor kid can have someone to work out his feelings with.
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05.14.12, 10:07 AM
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First, you are a terrific friend. Second, the kid is trying to cope with a situation that would stagger most adults; he does not need discipline.
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05.14.12, 09:28 AM
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OP, the NYT did something about parents dying too young. They wrote about a website to help families. The article is here: http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/05/11/the-last-mothers-day/ and the website is called http://momalways.org -- off the homepage is a link to an article entitled, "Why is my teenager acting so mad at me?" so I imagine this is VERY VERY common for teens to act in this way. I hope this helps.
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05.14.12, 09:49 AM
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