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06.17.11, 09:07 AM Expecting
89 replies
I am having my 3rd boy. I am MISERABLE. Yes, I am glad it is healthy and I love my sons, but the whole point of my 3rd try was to get a girl. We did the how to choose the sex of your baby to the letter, with no luck. I am so sad I will never have a daughter. Number 3 is the absolute limit and we wouldn't have even tried if #2 had been a girl. I am venting anonymously because I would never voice these feelings to anyone. But, I am so upset and sad and I hate it that everywhere I go, I see these adorable little girls with the long hair and pigtails and pink, glittery clothes. I walked by the American Girl store yesterday and started crying because I will never have a daughter to take there. I will never buy a bikini or take my daughter to get her nails done or get facials or anything else. I am so sad. I wonder if I will even love this new baby or if I will always resent him. BTW, my sister also has 3 boys, so I don't even have a neice. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
Expecting 06.17.11, 09:07 AM Flag
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I am so sorry. It is good to vent about it anonymously, and never utter these words outloud. You will come to feel differently over time, as this new little person will be your baby, your child, and you won't think of them as specifically being "another boy." Many families only have girls and are sad not to have a boy, so think of your good fortune there! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:10 AM Flag
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It's ok spoil your grand daughters rotten. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:11 AM Flag
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First of all, I think you will most definitely love your third son just as much as you love your first two sons. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of your vision-of-a-daughter (which is idealized and probably wouldn't match the reality -- you'd probably end up with a die-hard tomboy who refused to wear pink and wanted her brothers' hand-me-downs!). I think a LOT of people in your situation (or with the gender reversed) feel the same but are ashamed to admit it publicly. Be thankful for ultrasounds and genetic testing so you can experience your disappointment now and not in the delivery room; by the time your baby is born, you will probably be in a much different frame of mind. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:12 AM Flag
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maybe he'll be gay and then you can do all of the girly things you've been wanting to do with a daughter. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:16 AM Flag
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I'm sorry, but consider yourself lucky that you'll never have to go to the AG store ... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:19 AM Flag
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np ita. And, fwiw, I think glittery girls' clothes are beyond trashy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:25 AM Flag
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Why didn't you adopt a girl if you knew you would be so disappointed with a boy? And ps, take a look at the thread right above yours. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:20 AM Flag
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Exactly. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:23 AM Flag
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Jesus Christ, people, give the poor woman a break. OF COURSE she's happy to be having a healthy child. Next time you want to complain think of all the women suffering in Afghanistan and shut your mouth. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:32 AM Flag
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No, she's "MISERABLE." Which is completely ludicrous. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:35 AM Flag
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Exactly. I don't understand why people judge this (and other) women for being disappointed in something. It's all about perspective. I'm sure the same women who are judging complain about things that 90% of the world outside of NYC would be super grateful for. Stop being bitches. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:35 AM Flag
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I roll my eyes when someone complains about something that they 100% brought on themselves, knowing full well the consequences- sorry. And trying for a third and hoping it's a girl and then being "MISERABLE" that it's a boy? That's an eye roll right there, sorry. Especially since she said she wouldn't have even TRIED if she knew it was going to be a boy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:44 AM Flag
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It's just disappointment, calm down. I roll my eyes when I hear people going about G&T schools, designer clothes, annoying DHs, obnoxious DCs, etc, but I still realize it's all about perspective. I'm sure OP realizes that she is luckier than 99.9% of the world, but she's still allowed to vent. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:51 AM Flag
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NP: It's kind of a crazy vent, though. Basically, she's mourning the loss of her shot at "Toddler in Tiaras". [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:53 AM Flag
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np OMG. I was thinking the same thing. The type of mom who'd wear bedazzled clothes is the type of mom who'd be this upset about the sex of her HEALTHY db. I find it gross. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:56 AM Flag
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I'm not sure OP realizes that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 11:29 AM Flag
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The fact that someone puts themselves in a situation doesn't change the emotionality of the situation itself. Sure she "put herself here" by getting pregnant, but she wanted a girl and got a boy. He fault or not the disappointment is the same, and an anonymous message board is a perfectly fine place to vent that. Keeping your feelings pent up simply because the situation is your fault is no more healthy than in any other situation. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 10:45 AM Flag
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omg.. the amount of crap i read on here every single day, you really think it's going to change your kids life if he doesn't get into whichever school? and yet she can't be disappointed? she's pregnant, hormonal, hell, i feel miserable every single day and I don't know or care what I'm having. get over yourself. I roll my eyes at you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 03:23 PM Flag
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Ditto. Kind of an ass-holic post if you read that one first, by the way. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:34 AM Flag
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My order is not the same -- can I get a search word for "the post right above" since it is not right above mind? Thanks. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 11:45 AM Flag
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Try searching stillborn or stillbirth. OP of this post posted this within a few mins of a mom posting about just having had a stillbirth. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 12:12 PM Flag
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Maybe she should put this one up for adoption if it makes her so unhappy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:45 AM Flag
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Your granddaughters will be all the sweeter [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:25 AM Flag
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I'm sorry, and I can relate. I miscarried my girl, and I feel exactly as you are describing. I know you said you are not open to a 4th, but there is technology that can help should you change your mind. New Hope Fertility Center has a clinic in Mexico that will do Microsort (with IUI). We are considering it as well. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:26 AM Flag
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Seriously, people, this is getting to be ridiculous and beyond selfish. If you are so desperate for a girl, why not adopt her instead of engineering her? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:28 AM Flag
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How is this any less selfish than IVF? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:29 AM Flag
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^Sorry, I meant any more selfish [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:29 AM Flag
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People do IVF because of a medical condition. Engineering your dd is a preference (and apparently doesn't always work, given that article below), and just, to me, seems so...excessive. That, and I've spent time with orphans and kids in developing countries so I'm really sensitive to the issue. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:35 AM Flag
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It's nobody's *right* to conceive their own child. Wealthier people who can afford to do so look to technology to help them conceive even though they are likely not meant to. IVF uses technologies that determine the health of the embryo before implanting it. Is that wrong as well? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:39 AM Flag
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This is really not worth arguing about. If you must know, I'm not wild about IVF & I spend quite a bit of time researching and advocating for adoption (for both fertile and infertile couples). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:43 AM Flag
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Adoption is also for the wealthy. Why don't you advocate to make adoption less expensive and less bureaucratic? Some people would prefer to have an infant rather than to deal with the bureaucracy of adoption, which does not seem to have the best interest of the child in mind. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:46 AM Flag
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This is a misconception. You can adopt from DCF practically for free and receive subsidies for education and healthcare as well as a monthly care stipend. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:51 AM Flag
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Can you adopt an infant? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:52 AM Flag
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Yes, but you'd probably have to be open to adopting a (gasp!) black baby. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 10:09 AM Flag
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Wow, you're so progressive. Give yourself a pat on the back. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 10:23 AM Flag
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You do realize that was sarcasm. There are sadly black babies waiting for families while there are waiting lists for white babies. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 10:36 AM Flag
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That is BS. Almost no infants are availiable for adoption from foster care regardless of race. You are clearly not as "well researched" as you pretend to be. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 07:47 PM Flag
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Boy are you snotty and presumptuous. Foster care or independent attorney adoption is cheaper (by a ton) than using a private agency. There are also many scholarships and grants available in the adoption world if you bothered to look, and yes, I support those, too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:52 AM Flag
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Boy, you are sanctimonious. Not everyone can handle the emotional roller coaster of foster care, specifically when the child has already grown up somewhat neglected. Like it or not, it is normal to want to raise a child from birth. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:54 AM Flag
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Right. Because IVF isn't an emotional roller coaster at all. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 10:08 AM Flag
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np: It's easier to handle IVF if you know that the end result is likely to be your baby. With foster care, the biggest concern is that you will get attached to your foster child and the birth parents (who may or may not be considered suitable) will want them back. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 10:11 AM Flag
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Friends of mine were able to spin their swimmers at a clinic in DC and were successful too, dont have to go all the way to Mexico. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 12.10.11, 01:42 PM Flag
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Have you ever read the NY Times Magazine Essay "Be Careful What You Wish For"? It's about a woman with 3 boys who like you really wants a girl and she debates doing the sperm spinning thing to have a girl, but is on the fence bc she really didn't want 4 kids. In the end, she does it, and it's like 99.9999% successful for a girl (less so if you want a boy). At her ultrasound, she finds out she [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:28 AM Flag
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^^^ she's having twins - BOYS. So now she has 5 boys. POsitive outlook: Plan on being a really great MIL/boyfriend's mother :) And one day you'll likely get a granddaughter to spoil rotten and whom you will not have to parent through those horrid adolescent years where she screams "I hate you mom" and slams her door 10x/day. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:30 AM Flag
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link? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:30 AM Flag
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althought apparently, it was not called "be careful what you wish for..." i was pregnant when i read it, so i plead faulty pregnancy memory ;) http://www.nytimes.com/2003/11/02/magazine/lives-surprise-delivery.html?scp=49&sq=sperm+and+twins&st=nyt [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:57 AM Flag
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That's kind of hilarious. At least the mom has a good attitude about it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 10:35 AM Flag
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i loved it! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 11:33 AM Flag
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"the whole point of my 3rd try was to get a girl" - you did realize that this is not an exact science, right? i would be upset in your situation, a little bit, but i would have braced myself before i went ahead and tried that i might get a boy, and would vow to love him no matter what. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:29 AM Flag
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ITA. What a bad reason to bring another child into the world. You should have a 3rd because you want a 3rd, and it seriously drives me crazy when people talk about "trying for" a specific gender. Um, you guys know how this works, right? And that you have very little control over how it turns out? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:31 AM Flag
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Mourn the loss of the daughter you won't have (at least not right now-- you never know what the future holds), but honestly? You can't choose the sex of your baby without some serious interventions, and I'm sure you knew this going into it... did you know how miserable you'd be finding out you were having a boy? If so, I can't understand why you would have even tried. That being said, you will be laughing at everyone with daughters once the teen years roll around. Plus, even into adulthood, I've read that the mother-daughter relationship is the most strained, typically, of any other child-parent relation (mom-son, dad-son, dad-daughter are all less strained). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:36 AM Flag
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tsk poor you [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:36 AM Flag
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it must be horrible to be you. seriously, i would never want to be you. of all the problems in the world, yours is definitely the worst. oh how i pity you. oh how i am so glad that i am not you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:42 AM Flag
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Ditto. We should have a charity event for OP. Such a tragic situation. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:58 AM Flag
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Do you only feel down about a problem if it qualifies as the worst thing in the world? In other words: have you never felt disappointed by anything ever? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 10:47 AM Flag
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Disappointment? or MISERY. OP said she is MISERABLE. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 11:13 AM Flag
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Well, why can't she feel miserable at the initial discovery that she will never have a girl. That is a major thing to come to terms with if you are someone who has always wanted one. Regardless of all the things that could be said of adoption, not getting pregnant under these conditions, etc. the point is it's hard to accept this reality for her. If I were to learn that FOR SURE I would never have a girl I would be pretty devastated at first myself. Doesn't mean she's going to spend the rest of her life in misery. People think about their future, and envision the things they want to do with their future children. To find that many of things she's always wanted to do will never happen is like any loss. You are perfectly reasonable to mourn for a time, then move on. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 06:13 PM Flag
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Wait, so you've never EVER been miserable? Not even for a brief time? Ever? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 06:14 PM Flag
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if I were planning on getting pregnant, there is no way I would plan around having a girl when it is entirely up to chance. OP should have known that going in. i'm sorry but i think OP is selfish that "the only point in having a 3rd was to have a girl". [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 11:59 PM Flag
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Since we're voicing feelings we're not supposed to - I love my 8 y/o DD to pieces and I am happy to have a girl, but she is SO MUCH more of a PITA than my DSs. She is high-maintenance, dramatic, emotional and difficult. My DSs are sweet, low-maintenance, loving and easy going. (And the American Girl store one of the outer rings of hell.) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:46 AM Flag
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lol [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 11:36 AM Flag
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I would give anything for a girl to take to the AG store. I already have 2 boys, I don't have a girl. I am sad. If you think ill of me because of it, too bad. I wanted a girl. I still want a girl. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 12:43 PM Flag
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Why does everyone hate AG so much. I thought it was really fun to go there. I don't like the modern girls but I LOVE all of the historical ones! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 09:55 AM Flag
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I agree! I took my dd to NYC for a special mother-daughter trip and AG was our first stop. Great memories and lots of fun. I feel bad for these moms who complain about it. One day your dd will outgrow the innocence of dolls and you might miss these days. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 01:47 PM Flag
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I have 3 boys and I love them, but they are total animals. The third was the attempt at the girl; I get sad too, but not sad enough to have a fourth (which would probably be a boy anyways). I even met with a fertility doctor, and he said short of doing IVF with PGD testing at day five to determine gender, there is nothing that science is permitted to do (sperm sorting under FDA review right now). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 10:14 AM Flag
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My two boys are the sweetest, cuddliest angels ever. FWIW. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 10:40 AM Flag
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I always say that having children is a crapshoot. I suffered a few miscarriages after IVF and finally adopted a wonderful and healthy baby girl. I would have loved to have another child, but there just wasn't enough time, money or energy for another. Looking back, I would not change one thing about my life. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 11:20 AM Flag
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oh it is soo hard, but become close a young girl either through family or friends. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 11:30 AM Flag
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Hi there UB. I also have 2 boys and I'm expecting a 3rd. But I am not OP, and dh and I are delighted. We were NOT trying for either sex, so please stop making loud assumptions that we had a 3rd in a failed attempt to have a dd. Every day, people express their sympathy for us, and seem to think we're FOS when we truthfully say we're thrilled to have a 3rd healthy boy. Especially, please please stop saying "You must have wanted a girl" in front of our 2 much wanted sons, who completely understand what you're saying. So when you see a pg lady w/2 boys on the street, you have an = chance that you're talking to me or OP. Thank you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 11:42 AM Flag
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ita. I had one boy and when I was pg with second the number of people whose said "Of course you want one of each" and "So will you try again?" (when I told them it was another boy) and even "I'm so sorry"!!!!! was unbelievable. Why would anybody be sorry that I was having a beautiful, healthy, darling baby boy? THAT made me crazy more than anything. People are jerks. They want everything, and assume such nonsense. Anyway, OP, I wanted to say that although I once dreamt of a girl (because I so adored the mom/daughter relationship I had with my mom) I completely, entirely, wholly let it go. WE do not get everything we want in life, but if you get 3 healthy loving boys, that is a lot. My 2nd son has charmed and delighted me and added to our family beyond my wildest imagination. I know some moms of 3 boys who feel the same about their 3rd. What does your sister say - any helpful advice since she is in same boat? Are you from an all0girl family and now have to switch gears and raise all these boys? It will be fun! You will be queen of the house. Try to enjoy it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 11:53 AM Flag
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Rent all the episodes of MY 3 SONS, invite your sister over, have a weep-fest and then tell yourself how fun this is going to be. Plan to have the most fun boy home with all kinds of fun boy world things and make it cool. No, you will likely not be taking your sons to get facials (although you never know), but you can have a cool time with a little fellow. I take my little boy to tea at the Plaza and our for special chocolate days and shopping for costumes and craft days and he is the most hilarious and fun little character. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 11:56 AM Flag
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You I like. Can you take me to some outings? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 03:03 PM Flag
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My aunt had four brothers. Then she had two sons. Now she has four grandsons. Poor woman! She's taken it all in stride though, and I'm sure you will too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 12:36 PM Flag
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I don't see anything poor about it, Missy Miss. Some of us love boys or don't care either way because every person is unique. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 05:38 PM Flag
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This is so sad, because your poor boy is going to grow up knowing he was a mistake in your mind unless you get it together. You knew you had a 50/50 chance of having a boy on your third, so it's really irresponsible to try again if you solely wanted a girl and would be this upset with a boy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 12:42 PM Flag
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I wanted a girl badly enough to take the chance. I still do. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 12:45 PM Flag
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then put on your big girl panties and be a good mom to your 3 boys. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 12:47 PM Flag
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Okay, then. You need to decide just how badly you want the girl. If you want her badly enough to alter your standard of living so you can afford a 4th, then make the financial changes and start your home study. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 02:46 PM Flag
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If you wanted a girl that badly, you should have adopted one!! I have two DD's and won't consider having another child-- I'm not interested in 3 girls and the possibility of having another girl is likely. I sometimes think about adopting a little boy-- a foster child (and maybe skipping the baby years). I haven't seriously considered it, though. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 05:12 PM Flag
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I'm sorry. Like another poster said - it will be so sweet when you get granddaughters. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 01:22 PM Flag
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my MIL was in your shoes...third and last child was a boy so she never got her girl. but now, all those years later, it made her an awesome MIL. Her 3 DILs are like daughters. She buys us clothes, takes us out, and we appreciate her tremendously. Also, I can tell you she loves son #3 completely and so will you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 01:35 PM Flag
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OP, I think lots of people feel this way. I can understand your disappointment. I would focus on the bright side: families with lots of boys can be lively, fun, active homes! Enjoy your three sons. The important thing is not the gender but the emotional connection--you can have that with your DSs, too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 01:49 PM Flag
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I had a friend who was one of five brothers and they were all animals and their mom was always the best - someone who would've been great with a daughter. Anyway, they are all married now to awesome girls and three of them had their 1st child - all three girls! This mom is finally getting her due! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 03:06 PM Flag
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You know maybe she didn't feel she needed "her due." Some of us love having boys. And I know a few families where the moms and their sons are incredibly close while the moms and their daughters do not get along at all. I had one of the greatest moms in all the world ever, and she had girls, and I sometimes wish she had had a boy because a boy would have been devoted to her and she deserved that. we girls were devoted, but a little moody and bitchy and took our mom for granted because we are girls. Boys are more purely sweet and doting to their moms, from what I have seen. We doted on our dad even though in fact my mom was my best friend and the one I needed most and turned to every day. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 05:41 PM Flag
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Snap out of it, OP. You are having a third baby, something I would kill for regardless of gender. You are a lucky woman. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 03:42 PM Flag
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OP, though I am not in your situation, I do understand how you feel. It's not that you don't/won't love your baby boy. Of course you do, it's more that you are sorry that you will miss out on things that come with having a daughter, but there are also things that come with daughters that you'll be more than happy to miss out on. I think it's better to acknowledge feelings in order to be able to get past them. Congratulations on your family! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.11, 06:14 PM Flag
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You lost me at "pink, glittery clothes." And, fwiw, you are a moron if you believed there is any way to "choose" the sex of your child without doing IVF with PGD, or adoption. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.18.11, 07:11 AM Flag
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I understand you are disappointed but having a third child only because you wanted a girl is never a good idea when your odds are 50/50. No one has everything in life, which sucks, but that is how it is. I have one boy and was expecting twin boys and was so excited to have my 3 boys and now I will only be having 2. Please remember when you are feeling down that there are so many people who would kill to have what you have. . . . [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.20.11, 03:55 PM Flag
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I would feel BEYOND BLESSED to have three healthy boys. Just look at it that way:) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 12.10.11, 01:30 PM Flag
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