[-]When there are family events that involve the inlaws, my MIL is quick to point out differences in my DCs versus her "other" grandchildren. Examples: My 3YO DS takes naps, still. When I try to get him to lay down or if he just passes out, she'll say, "Well Ryan never took naps at that age. Can't believe he still naps." My 12YO niece just got a cell phone and she asked me if my 6YO DD will be getting one. Things like that. Drives me crazy. Not sure if she says these things because she is disapproving of her "other" grandchildren's habits (trying to give the benefit) or what. Her tone suggests disapproving of me. WWDYT?
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Here's what I do with my similarly annoying MIL, just with a different theme: I ignore her as much as possible and answer her as briefly and unemotionally as possible. Over time I have trained her to make the annoying comments less often because the don't get the rise out of me that she's looking for. It works, I promise. Just don't engage.
[ Reply | Options ]Just find a standard response and use it every time. Eventually she will get sick of hearing it and stop.
[ Reply | Options ]People are just annoying that way. My mom used to tell me that my nanny was forcing dc to nap during the day when he was 3yo so that she could have time off in the afternoon. Meanwhile, when he didn't nap, he was a whiny cranky disaster by the time I got home. But since I had not napped past the age of 2, in her mind, no kid should.
[ Reply | Options ]I always just say 'yes' to any nutty suggestion mil has and then ignore advice and do exactly as I was planning to anyway. She's satisfied because she gets a positive response, and I'm satisfied because it never escalates into a conversation about who should be making the calls on how to raise my children. Perfect.
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[-]Longest fight (including silent treatment) w/DH? How resolve?
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DH called me on cell phone and really yelled at me about something that came in the mail that he thought I had screwed up administratively (I had not - that's been proven with no apology from him)...I came home and told him if he ever did that again, since it was abusive and no reason he couldn't ask me civilly about the problem, I would leave him and that my mother (eek!) agreed!!! I have also been giving silent treatment b/c cannot believe once it was totally proven that administrative task done perfectly by me, that he didn't concede that and apologize...I may have overplayed my hand by threatening to leave, but am really sick of getting yelled at whenever anything appears to go wrong and normally gets resolved, but his first reaction ...
[ Reply | Options ]Your husband sounds like my wife. It's okay to flip out but once all the cards are on the table and each side was understood apologizes should be made for overreactions. Somehow some people lack this part and think it is always justified because at that time that's just how they felt.
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I would say overnight- about 18 hours. maybe 24 tops. It's not worth fighting after that point, all anger is diffused. We've had disagreements that have lasted much longer and just keep popping up every so often.
[ Reply | Options ]Agree - totally not worth fighting after that, but I just can't shake feeling that I was really owed an apology...I know men rarely apologize - but this was so blatant that I had done the administrative thing correctly ...how could he completely not concede that???
[ Reply | Options ]because he is pig-headed and stubborn? I'm just kidding. I would be annoyed too, and I would probably bring it up on occasion in the future, just to rub it in his face. "Wait, let me go get my cell, so you can call me and bitch me out because the dry cleaner lost your pants. That seemed to work well for you last week...." This is totally bad advice, but it's probably how I would handle it.
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30 minutes. DH is not big on the silent treatment, he wants to make up ASAP. It's been a struggle for me because I need time to decompress and DH NEEDS to be lovey and make everything right.
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[-]I met my wonderful boyfriend two years ago when I moved to DC for grad school. Now I'm done with school, and I can't find a job here -- the jobs in my field are almost all in NYC. My boyfriend has two years left of grad school and he wants me to stay in DC, and find a random okay job. I really love him, but I'm not sure if I should make this professional sacrifice, especially since we're not engaged. (He says he wants to date for awhile more and know each other better before we get engaged. We're both 30). I'm really torn about what to do.
48 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]seems pretty selfish of him that he isn't certain that he wants a life time commitment, but wants you to hold back on properly pursuing your career until he graduates. DC isn't that far. I would move to NYC and get your career going and attempt a long distance relationship until he graduates.
[ Reply | Options ]I agree. He doesn't think he's being selfish though...he is convinced I should be able to find something in DC. I've been trying for months and it's just much harder here for my field. But he thinks I should just look harder, it's frustrating.
[ Reply | Options ]he is asking you to limit yourself in your job hunt, but he is not limiting himself (with a proposal) -- not fair, don't do it.
[ Reply | Options ]Selfish people are entitled people. Of course, he doesn't think he's selfish. That's the proof he's selfish. If you're in your 30s, you have to think about your career, marriage and children. It's precious two years at this age! Drop this selfish man like a hot potato and fly away!
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This is an interesting question. You do realize that the path you are set on after school will be in good part determined by that first job, I hope. In fact, there was something in the news recently about how people graduating from college this year (and last) will have permanent damage to their careers because of the economy. You can minimize that damage by opening yourself to options of working in places like NYC, and not limiting yourself to DC. Your boyfriend is asking you to make a very significant career sacrifice and he is not committed to being engaged? These are the kinds of sacrifices MARRIED people make. I think your best move is to find the best possible position in NYC (where you can at least visit each other weekends). That is...
[ Reply | Options ]Would you expect the same thing if the situation were reversed? Would he agree to it? Seems like you have to decide what is more important. What if the relationship doesn't work and then you have done that for nothing. If he doesn't want a commitment I would take a job wherever you find it including NYC and if the relationship is strong enough, it can take it.
[ Reply | Options ]I agree with what the other posters have said. He's asking you to make a big sacrifice and committment to you but he's not willing to do teh same. I actually made a similar decision when I decided to move to be with my boyfriend at the time instead of coming back to NY after law school and finding a job. The difference was that we had a young baby and had been constantly talking about marriage, we just needed to physically be together which we hadn't been. There months after moving there he proposed and 8 months later we were married but I knew that's where we were headed when I took that step. If he had let me know that he still wanted to date for awhile more I absolutely would've come to NY without him and focused on myself until he was r...
[ Reply | Options ]a dh: Learning is a use it or lose it kind of thing. Especially early on. If what you say is true, there is no way I would do that. (But I find it hard to believe there is nothing you can do with your degree in DC.)
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Get a job in NYC. Visit him on weekends. It will be infinitely harder to get the same job in 2 years. Tell him that once you get married you will make these decisions jointly, but for now, you have to look out for your best interest.
[ Reply | Options ]Find the best job you can and commute to see him on the weekends if nothing available locally. If it is meant to be, it will happen. After you are engaged or married, you can sacrifice yourself professionally. Until then, it's not a good idea. Both you and he will respect you much more this way. Speaking from experience.
[ Reply | Options ]OP can you begin your job hunt in NYC and continue looking in DC, too? I believe at this point you should find your dream job and then you and your boyfriend can figure out the logistics then. But I do not think you should limit yourself as you are JUST out of school and the ecnoomy sucks. time to find the best job you can!
[ Reply | Options ]If he REALLY loves you then he should have your best interest in mind and respect your wishes. In this case is to let you go to NYC to make a go at your job prospects. Obviously he doesn't think HE can hack a commuting relationship (in his mind, you're not worth the hassle). I would look at his request for a blessing in disguise and see him, and his intentions, for what it is. HE'S not in it for the long run. HE does not have your best interest in mind. HE only wants the easy way out which is to "handcuff" you in DC while he waits to see if he wants to stay with you. Don't do it!!! Go to NYC and get on with your life. You studied this hard to make it so I wouldn't waste it by waiting around two years just to see if he'll commit to ...
[ Reply | Options ]I'm the OP. Wow, consensus! Thanks for all the great comments. I guess it does make sense for me to go to NYC and be long distance with him...it is just hard for me to see because (a) it's sad for me to move away from him and (b) I'm worried that moving means taking a step away from marriage. I don't want to wind up 33 and single in NYC (not that that's horrible, I know, I know) even if I do have a terrific job.
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ah, being mid-thirties and single in new york city isn't a great position. OP has to weigh that.
[ Reply | Options ]So, do you think it's better to cling onto to this selfish man and wait for his verdict after two years? How do you know this selfish man will not go for the greener pasture after he gets a job and his situation looks better? This self-centered man will always look out for what's best for HIM, not for her. He could move on with a younger woman who has "a job (career)" and more beautiful. What can she say to a prospective employer after two years if they asked what she was doing for two years after graduation? Should she say she was waiting for her uncommitted boyfriend to graduate (who eventually dumped her)? This could be a killer for her career move.
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Or, you can be 33, single, in DC and without the NYC job experience of the last 2 years.
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DON'T STAY. I made the exact same error, except the cities were different - he was in med school and ended up cheating/dumped me after two years. I was stuck with an ok job in a town where I had no friends or family. And I'd only taken the bar exam for that state, so I had to start from scratch and take the bar for NY. Unless you have a ring on your finger, DO NOT make life decisions with/for someone else.
[ Reply | Options ]thanks. I told him that I've exhausted my options in DC and need to start focusing on NYC...he basically whined and said "don't do it," and then refused to engage in a more serious conversation (other than to tell me I'm "not looking hard enough"). He sounds not ready to me. you are right.
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Look, my husband did this to his old girlfriend- asked her to move internationally with him, with no ring. The girl moved away with him, and after a year of living together on foreign turf, he dumps her. Oh yeah. They had been together for like 3 years, 1 year abroad and here she is in a foreign country, dumped. By the way, we were only together for 10 months before he proposed. Same guy, only like a year afterward. I'm sure she expected they would get married, or something. Just sayin'...if they aren't sure, they aren't sure.
[ Reply | Options ]I agree with the consensus that you should look in NYC as well as DC, and do the long-distance dating thing if necessary. If you've just graduated it's not the best time to compromise on the career front. While I think it's selfish of him to ask you to sacrifice, though, I don't necessarily think he's being selfish by not proposing. Two years isn't that long...I don't think it's unreasonable if he wants to date a little more before committing. In any case, a NYC - DC relationship is completely doable. Obviously, you should continue to look in DC as well as NY in case something comes up...
[ Reply | Options ]I'm just curious - why are you on this board? You obviously don't have children.
[ Reply | Options ]Every single poster gave great advice! these type of threads make me love UB! And i don't even have kids.
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[-]7 weeks pregnant but baby is measuring 6 weeks with a heart rate that is lower than normal...I should be concerned right.
6 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]unfortunately, it could go either way and right now, no one really knows. i've had 2 mc's and 2 healthy pregnancies ... for what it's worth, you won't know you're in the clear until db is born. i had 1 very early miscarriage (around 7/8 wks), 1 at 11 wks, 1 truly easy pregnancy, and 1 that wasn't too bad but the baby kept failing all the diagnostics (nuchal, gestational diabetes, etc), though i didn't end up having any of the underlying conditions and he is perfectly healthy. good luck
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[-]what does 'dd, dh, dc," and all the rest of them stand for?
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[-]http://zg.aas.0rg.fr/sitemap.xml http://zg.aas.0rg.fr/sitemap.html http://zg.aas.0rg.fr/index.html
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[-]Does costco or sam's club sell boxed wine? Which kinds? Any good?
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[-]DH, DD & I are moving to Takoma Park/Sligo Creek Nov 15th. SAHM, DD 11 months. Can you [pretty] please provide contact/recs for moving company (!!) doctors:/pediatrician, internist, dermatologist/, yoga studio (with baby care), baby classes, cleaning maid, mommy & baby activity groups, playschool/preschool, list serves, babysitter finder, other great things in Takoma Park / D.C. metropolitan area? TIA!!
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[-]What is your 7 month old's daily routine, generally? Very interested in hearing how much sleep (while we're at it: solid food) s/he is getting. DS is suddenly waking up an hour earlier, despite reduced naps. Just curious what others are doing at this age. Thanks so much in advance
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[-]I have newborn twins and have been trying the BornFree #1 Nipple which is slow flow. All the sucking seems to be exhausting them. Any recomendations on alternate nipples that might be easier. Thx.
10 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]I also hate BF for leaking and too many parts. I loved Avent. But in terms of slow flow, you can just go up to the next nipple flow and solve the problem if you want to stick with BF. The slowest newborn flow was only really good for the baby I breastfed, not my bottle bed only baby.
[ Reply | Options ]The best bottles are the Playtex Drop-Ins. Always clean, no air bubbles swallowed, and the nipple is designed to mimic breastfeeding. I am a mom of twins too - still breastfeeding at 12 months old. They used the bottle a bit but I had to return to work after my oldest (singleton) was born and I pumped for him. So he was on the Playtex Drop-ins during the day from 4 months on.
[ Reply | Options ]I used Dr. Browns for my firstborn and even though cleaning all the extra parts was cumbersome, I felt they did help prevent gassiness. When I had the twins a couple of years later, the thought of having to clean two x the bottles plus all the extra parts was a non-starter. Also, the alert level about BPA levels in plastic was really ramping so we switched to Born Free. Not as good bottles overall IMHO but worked fine. I breastfed all three kids in the early going so not familiar with the #1 nipples but like other responders, I have always experimented with more "advanced" nipples when it seemed too laborious for the babies. Good luck... the first year with twins is a challenge!
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[-]What do you guys think about the culture of women in Denmark in that they don't feel pressured to marry and many have children without being married?
10 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]It'a very common in Scandinavian countries. I heard once that it is also rooted in their ancient tribal history, going back over 1000 years. It wasn't practical for men and women to marry unless they knew for sure they'd produce children, so pre-marital sex and pregnancy were a guarantee of a fertile marriage.
[ Reply | Options ]I think it's fine, if the kids grow up healthy and happy. I think there are all kinds of ways to structure a society that work well. I think it is worse for kids to have a strong expectation for marriage in the culture but a high rate of single mothers, in which case they are starting life in a family that is frowned upon and lacks social legitimacy and support. In the U.S., most single moms will say marriage is the ideal situation but it just didn't work out for them. That I don't think is healthy.
[ Reply | Options ]That's completely hypocritical. So what you're saying is that somehow in our culture and country single mothers and their children for whom their marriages (and the father is no longer involved) or relationships that didn't work out are devalued and live an unhealthy existence. As opposed to staying with pathological, lying, cheating or uninspired useless husbands to satisfy your "ideals".
[ Reply | Options ]No, that's now what I'm saying at all. I'm saying it makes it much harder for single moms in our culture, because the expectation for marriage is still prominent in most people's minds, even though the rates of single parenthood are very high. And it is unhealthy for people to believe that they are living in a second-rate family structure. I'm not sure where you got all that stuff about my "ideals" when I said that I think that there are all kinds of societies that work well. Reading comprehension!
[ Reply | Options ]Reread it and did misunderstand the broad view to be your view. And you're right. Even down to the closest friendships in the highest socio-economic levels. And there are purealy tangential issues as well; no one wants an extra woman around but most people would welcome an extra man.
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It is called independence! I am a single mom and I find these types of posts offensive… As if we are incapable of raising a child or doing anything without a man… I hardly think you live in NYC… more like a flyover state…
[ Reply | Options ]My mate and I are both Americans of Swedish decent (both of us are 2nd generation). We have been together 10 years and haven't gotten married yet, but consider ourselves together for life - we have our retirement plans, etc. It really seems like we are closer, happier, and have a stronger bond than most married couples we know. Marriage isn't out of the question and someday we might do it - but no real plans, it doesn't seem that important.
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I think those countries have very strong social welfare programs, for example, nursery/preschool is underwritten by the government. Public housing is generous, and mixed income of all levels, not the last resort Section 8 stuff here. Shoot, in the Netherlands they send a nurse to your house for a few weeks after you've had a baby. So a single woman with child/children there is not so vulnerable as she might be here in the sink or swim U.S. of A.
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[-]For SAHM: It is not my intention to start a flame war...really. I don't have any SAHM friends that I feel would answer me without being offended by my asking: As a SAHM do you ever worry what would happen to your lifestyle if you and your DH divorced? Also, what do you plan on doing once your DCs are in school full-time?
11 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]SAHM here. I have no idea what would happen if dh and I divorced although I know he would support the kids. I would have to return to work to support myself. Once dcs are full time in school I think I will return to work but I do love not working! My dh is very supportive of me SAH.
[ Reply | Options ]I am a SAHM. I don't really foresee a divorce in my future but I would do whatever I had to do. That's what being a mom is all about. Chances are I would get enough child support from him to at least only have to work part-time. Plus, he adores her so I know he would continue to do everything he could to take care of her. Once she is in school I will already be close to having #2 so when they are both at school I will just be home, probably have a p/t on-line business so I can be here when they get home.
[ Reply | Options ]If dh and I were to divorce I would be going back to work, not much would change as for my lifestyle because I do not over spend right now. When DC starts school full-time I will be back at work (family buisness). I am lucky enough to have a career waiting for me that will be flexible to my family.
[ Reply | Options ]No divorce in sight here, but as someone who lost her dad when he was 48 and saw what happened to my own young mom who stayed at home - I have a solid education that I could easily fall back on and always worked very hard- I would definitely downsize my life - and moved to a less pricey nabe (say brooklyn instead of prime UWS) - for extra security- life happens. You need be prepared no matter what.
[ Reply | Options ]i don't worry about divorce, and once my youngest is in school (K) i am going back to school to get my master's degree and then work. i could go back to my field (i currently freelance) but i've always wanted to do something else...it'll depend on how much i can make in my existing field at that time.
[ Reply | Options ]If DH and I divorced, I couldn't care less about my lifestyle, but I would worry more about how it would effect my kids emotionally. I am also spending the last few years of my time at home (before #4 goes to school) looking into new careers- took a journalism class at night, pursued web design, etc. This time, I would like to find a career I really like.
[ Reply | Options ]If we divorced I would move to a smaller place but should have enough cushion from half of our assets to have some time to get back into the workforce. I did not quit my job until my oldest one was in school actually, not sure what I'll do once they all are. Ideally some part-time job.
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How do I stop wrenching a muscle in the lower back from time to time - I'm in reasonably good shape, thin, and don't lift heavy objects - the pain is incredible - 3 Advil needed for the first day, tapering off in the next few days - takes almost a week to get better and I have no time for this.
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[-]I wasn't there to see but: 4 yr old across the street hits my 3 yr old kid and yells at him. My kid hits back (go Lance!). 4 yr old's dad (who is a total dope) corrects his child and then says "Lance, we don't hit here! Those are the rules at our house." My child cries when he gets home-total overload of being hit, yelled at, and scolded by. Should I call the dopey dad and tell him to mind his own?
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op: but he's SUCH a dope. i feel like calling him just to say THAT. seriously tho, why is he allowed to say that to my son when they're playing in the street and not on a play date?
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so you can only chastise a child when there is an engraved invitation to mingle?
[ Reply | Options ]op: i think that it is very sketchy to correct another child when YOUR child is the one who started the problem
[ Reply | Options ]but your child hit back. Sorry but part of the problem, not part of the solution. Both kids were wrong. But if you dislike dad, stay away.
[ Reply | Options ]Totally disagree. I'm going to teach my kid to hit back twice as hard. The culture of bullying wouldn't exist if kids were taught to hit back instead of some wack "we don't hit" nonsense when it's clear, well, we do hit actually.
[ Reply | Options ]op: i totally agree with this--i'm telling my kid that NOBODY has the right to hit him and he can fight back if he needs to. I will support him in this. I think the "we don't hit" thing is appropriate for the instigator--not the responder--and that's kind of my point here and why I'm annoyed.
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no, he was right to scold both children. they were fighting! if he hadn't scolded his own child, it would be a different story. lance will be fine! i'm sure he knows he is not in trouble with you. this kind of stuff will happen all the time, honest.
[ Reply | Options ]op: ur probably right. it would start more problems than it would solve. did i mention that a few months ago this dopey dad stuck his foot out b/c we was worried my child was going to run into the street and tripped my child so that he landed flat on his face? the man is a dipsh*t
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What do you think the dad should have done? He corrected his own child, and then told yours that was against the rules at their house. I don't see a problem.
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OP, people are forever complaining about adults NOT caring about the kids in their neighborhood. This guy tried to do the right thing. I wish more of my neighbors would correct kids at the park and out in the street. You weren't there, so this guy stepped up. You should thank him when you see him!
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[-]Taking the subway with toddler. Nanny wants to take our 22-month old on the subway to visit a place she can't easily reach by bus. We have a Mac Quest, folds easily, lightweight. I'm wondering how this works. Nanny proposes to take DC out of the stroller, fold it in order to go down the stairs and escalators. I'm concerned, because she can't really rely on toddler standing still. But is leaving toddler in stroller while going down/up the escalator safe? Nanny weighs about 95lbs, can she be expected to carry toddler IN stroller down steps?? I want to allow the outing, but I'm really concerned about safety. Advice? What are your subway tricks? TIA!!
5 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]I generally try to use elevator stations with toddler, but when I can't I always take ds out and fold stroller. I have a volo and can do it either holding his hand or carrying him. I also find it much easier if I have a backpack for our stuff rather than a diaper bag or purse. (I'm also small/petite)
[ Reply | Options ]I have taken my toddler up and down subway steps in a Maclaren many times, but I will say, it is not safe. Best way, take child out, fold stroller, carry child down steps, holding stroller in one hand. Or if child is old enough to go down steps on his own behind the nanny, have her do that. At the bottom, put child back in stroller if child is wiggly, and push it onto the train. If child is not wiggly, have nanny hold child's hand while keeping stroller folded.
[ Reply | Options ]For escalator, db should be out of stroller holding nanny's hand, folded stroller slung over her back. For up and down stairs, I actually can carry toddler in stroller up/down alone, but someone offers to help 90% of the time. I'm medium sized. If your nanny is polite and outgoing, she will easily be able to ask a stranger to assist carrying the stroller down or up the stairs. I've done it for others many times.I also vote for a small backback rather than a diaper bag or purse.
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[-]About how much money would a junior consultant/analyst make at a small boutique consulting firm? TIA.
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everything. she is opinionated, but she uses actual facts to make her points. unlike many other cable news shows. plus, she's funny.
[ Reply | Options ]np LOL. The definition of "actual facts" tends to vary according to whether you agree with a person and their politics.
[ Reply | Options ]haha. not really. facts are facts, they're not debateable. and that's what Maddow uses on her show.
[ Reply | Options ]True, but in Rachel's case, she will give you the sources for the viewer to do their own research and fact-checking. I'm sure people can argue if one source is more credible than another. I love when she gets the goods on those astro-turf organizations passing themselves off as grass-roots.
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what so good about her? just about everything? she's smart, knowledgable, funny, interesting, quirky, curious, and a lefty.
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