[-]Tax time...how much did you pay your nanny last year? One kid,p/t nanny (30 hours), we paid $30K above board. Does this sound average?
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OP - do you get benefits or perks? We pay when we are on vacation (about 5 weeks a year) plus when nanny picks her 2 weeks. We also pay 10 sick days, give all holidays paid off (even ones like MLK day). We also pay a stipend for health insurance and travel cost (monthly pass). Additionally, nanny often is let go (with pay...heh, we like our kid) on Fridays 3 or 4 hours early.
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[-]What books have you loved lately? What books haven't lived up to the hype?
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[-]My second grader received in school suspension today for telling another student he was going to shoot him......I am mortified and scared out of my mind....help me please
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Your kid's school sucks. He's 7/8 years old! That's what they say. I mean, unless your kid actually has a gun and intends to shoot this kid, it's ridiculous.
[ Reply | Options ]I think it's an appropriate response to teach him what is and what is not acceptable behavior. On your part, I'd be mortified but not scared out of my mind. It's TALK. He's an 8 year old boy. Teach him, but don't expect that he's really going to need to be institutionalized at this point.
[ Reply | Options ]Thank you ....I am overreacting and am glad for the feedback-that's why I posted-but he's such a sweet boy (I know-Charlie Manson's mother said the same thing) that I'm wondering what is going on at school to make him have such violent outbursts....he jumps in our bed most nights....sometimes interrupting "things" ;)
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Cut back on the TV and the video games. This is obviously the parent's fault. But the school did over-react. Still, such are the times. Deal with it at home. I doubt it's a serious problem, it hardly ever is.
[ Reply | Options ]NP: I don't think it's true that it is obviously the parent's fault. I used to know a kid who was obsessed with guns and warplay etc. He knew entire plots of violent movies and would go over them, blow by blow. It turned out that he had no tv in his home at all--had never seen these movies--and would just grill his friends for details and commit them to memory. Little boys pick up on our society's obsession with violence simply by leaving the house.
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4th grader brought a knife to school & threatened to use it. was finally kicked out after parents complained to administration (private school). there is a big differnce - little kids talk about cops & robbers etc - doesnt mean they are a threat. you r administration overreacted. public or private? (just curious)
[ Reply | Options ]With apologiues for the delayed response: I understand being mortified about the suspension, but I would not assume there is violent intent behind his language. It is alarming to hear a child speak this way, but after all, sometimes they are just repeating what they hear, or trying to gain control of their environment, or engaging in their little battles between good and evil. It is often metaphorical and not literal. All the same, you should talk to him about what shooting really means, the repercussions, the finality of a shooting death, etc. My 3-year-old told my 5-year-old recently that he was going to kill him when disputing ownership of a balloon. It was shocking, but moments later they were having a tea party with Curious Georg...
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[-]My 4 yo son has said on a number of occasions that he wants to be a girl. While his favorite thing to play with is his train set, his favorite color is pink, he likes to play mommy and baby and be the mommy, and he clearly is fascinated by "girl" things--he always wants to know if the conductor, the waiter, the fill in the blank is a girl. On a few occasions I've asked him if he wishes he were a girl and he has shyly said yes. I'm a single mom and I can't tell if his stated preference has to do with what that means for him in some way or if he truly fees deep inside more like a girl. I don't want to shame him but I also want to be sure that I'm meeting his need for masculine role identification if that is part of the issue. Would love to he...
47 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]Leave it alone for now and don't make an issue of it. Just let him be and be open and loving. If there is a gender identity issue, you will know in a few years. I for one do not believe that being raised by a single mom would cause a son to have gender confusion issues. With the exception of horrid abuse perhaps, it's nature, not nurture.
[ Reply | Options ]My son does this too. He's four. I try not to get worked up about it: in some moments, much easier said than done! He has a few but not many male role models. I let my son wear pink and a dress for dress-up when he wants. I have not asked if he wants to be a girl because I don't want him to equate his choices with equaling that he wants to be a girl. I also don't know if your son saying he wants to be a girl holds more weight than him saying that he wants to be a firefighter or a tiger. Kids want to be everything at some point or another.
[ Reply | Options ]OP: I actually hired a very terrific 14 yo boy to come around a couple of times a week who my son seems to really like. He tells me not to come in his room when this boy comes by and of course I comply with his wishes. I think the mom who suggested that she didn't ask if her son wants to be a girl because she didn't want to equate his preferences with wanting to be a girl is spot on. I really have to better manage my anxiety. The issue for me is whether I should be doing something if it isn't hard-wired. If if is it is. But if it's not and it has something to do with what I'm doing or not doing, I'd feel I failed in some way. Of course there is no way to know. My son says he wants to be a train conductor but he spends lots of time mimicking...
[ Reply | Options ]Um - not to be an alarmist but I truly hope you have the good sense not to allow the door to be closed when your four year old is with that 14 year old in his bedroom. Protect your little boy...
[ Reply | Options ]OP: Reasonable thing to say but unless I'm completely and totally off the mark, this is a kid that wouldn't go there. Most of the time they run around the house. But thanks....
[ Reply | Options ]Hasn't the news proven time and time again that ANYONE can go there? Family, friend, stranger. How much proof do you need?
[ Reply | Options ]OP: Well, but you can't be saying that never trust a boy to babysit can you? Anyway, I'll take what you're saying under advisement. What about my immediate concern?
[ Reply | Options ]okay - but please just don't allow the bedroom door to be closed at least. i already answered about the gender confusion situation - don't make a big deal about it and just let him be. being a single mom is not going to cause him to have a longterm identity issue. don't blame yourself.
[ Reply | Options ]FWIW, my son closes the door and it stays closed for a few minutes, then because my son is such a pinball, he opens it and they run through the house. If they were in his room for 2 hours, believe me I would want to see what they were doing too. Really, this is not the issue here. It's how to respond to the statements he is making.
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ita, I would be weirded out if my 20 year old female babysitters went into my son's room and closed the door behind them. But fwiw my ds (6 now) enjoys bright colors and for a while wanted to wear a lavender girls' coat. Now he's all man, wants to wear camo all the time and have a toy gun (sigh.)
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I'm a single mom and my ds' fav color is pink too, because it's mine. He looks up to me. I would try to get him to spend more time with a guy. An uncle, a grandpa, your friends, his classmate's fathers...whatever you can do.
[ Reply | Options ]Thanks...problem is, no uncle to speak of--estranged from the family, no grandpa (has passed)-- and my one male friend who does spend time with him is not a kid person. That's why I have turned to a really good kid from our Temple to spend time with him. The favorite color thing wouldn't mean much to me if he wasn't saying he wanted to be a girl and other similar preferences. I appreciate the suggestion.
[ Reply | Options ]What about Big Brothers/Big Sisters? It's a fantastic org and their volunteers have all had criminal background checks. It would be great for him to have a adult male in his life. I don't have a problem with you using a 14 year old boy to babysit. In fact I think it's a great idea, but I do share concerns that you keep an eye on them. I would not let them hang out together behind closed doors. Why tempt fate?
[ Reply | Options ]^^ http://www.bigsnyc.org/
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But you encouraged him saying that he wanted to be a girl by asking him. Just drop it. Follow up on his interests. Gently suggest other options when it makes you feel more comfortable and don't put too much stock in his pronouncements at 4. Btw, I am a single mom too and also estranged from family. So many boys have been raised by a woman or generations of women... Let your son be and try not to read too much into this. No adult is a carbon copy of who they were at four.
[ Reply | Options ]Keep looking for a man and the boy from temple. My friends dh's are sooooo good with ds because they know he's fatherless. Especially the South American men I know. They are fabulous with him. I have a single friend, 27 yo that comes to play with ds a few times a week. It's really sweet.
[ Reply | Options ]OP: Thanks, again. Yes, I wish my friend's DH's would step up but so far they haven't. Several single/divorced moms. Need to work it out.
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SMC - he really doesn't have a father figure internalized in his mind so the issue is complicated and it leaves me wondering if I should be doing anything special as a result.
[ Reply | Options ]Hes 4, can you get him in a sport where he has a male coach he might look up to? Even a dance class if that's what he wants? Im a single mom by choice too, and my ds is 2. I am signing him up for dance and gymnastics starting this week.
[ Reply | Options ]Thanks. He has done lots of soccer with the same coach. It's different than some guy taking him on. I can see the bonding with the 14 yo boy--he seems to want his own special guy and my worry is that because there is not someone around, he is giving up on being a boy. I realize that this is just a sense I have. I think the thing is to find that special relationship for him (and for me). Many thanks.
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np - sorry to hear about your predicament but i think it's GREAT that you found a nice kid from the temple. i'm sure your son is quite happy and frankly, i'm sure that 14 y/o boy's mom is really happy too that he's getting some good babysitting experience.
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Not saying this is true in your case, but 14 yo boys are just exploring their sexuality. You don't want the babysitter experimenting with your ds. Just be careful and watch. Whoever recommended him wouldn't know about that part of him.
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[-]New to this forum. Anyone have any recommendations/experience with fertility specialists in the San Francisco/Bay Area. 30's and TTC. Thanks!
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The one time a year I actually seek out a McDonald's and I can't find a single one who's got Shamrock shakes!!! What gives?! I've been to three already and two never had them, one has already stopped the promotion...BEFORE St. Pat's Day!!! I think the universe is telling me something.
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[-]Hi, we may be moving to San Francisco because of the job relocation and would like to live in the city. Is the kindergarten admission process to private schools already over? What are my chances of finding any spots? Are there any good non-parochial schools that may still have openings? Thank you in advance.
14 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]Kindergarten admit acceptances go out in about a week and while not NYC, its a fairly competitive process for private schools and families do get shut out. No knowledge of these schools but there are two new recently opened schools that you may want to contact - Marin Prep and Stratford. I would also look at Hillwood Day School as I believe there admissons are on a rolling basis. You might also inquire at Marin Primary (good school) and Ring Mountain both in Marin but I believe have buses from the city.
[ Reply | Options ]why not just live right over the bride in Marin? still close enough to the city but excellent public schools.
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You don't know how much that makes me happy. We are a little worried about leaving the east coast but heard only great things about PA.
[ Reply | Options ]To be honest, I was really depressed to leave NYC, but now I know I would never, ever want to return. It is very easy to make friends here, since there are tons of newcomers. The climate is amazing. The food is wonderful (farmers' markets abound). On weekends you can go to Santa Cruz, Napa, San Francisco, etc. We're heading to Tahoe tomorrow morning.
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[-]will be in Las vegas in late april, suggestions for things to do there with children?
3 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]if time permits, a side trip to Hoover Dam - it is only about an hour away or so each way, and the tour itself takes a few hours. also, depending on their ages, you could try one of the cirque du soleil- my favorite is the original (Mystere) at Treasure Island (now called TI). depending on their ages, the M&M store and Coca-Cola Stores (next to each other) are cute and can each take about 30 minutes to an hour, and the time it takes to walk between, etc. the Blue Man Group is also fun- and that is one of the few shows where I enjoyed the Vegas version more than the NYC version. obviously, your hotel also likely has a pool
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[-]Any single moms dating? I have 2 year old twins and haven't dated since the pregnancy was discovered. I was approached by at least 4 different men over the weekend (big parties I attended) and didn't want to deal with any of them. I felt very uncomfortable with the sexual interest. I think I'd like to have a relationship, but I'd also rather keep the current stability I have with just me and my kids. Men can so complicate things! How did you move into the dating arena if and when you did? How did you find men who date single mothers?
3 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]I started dating again when my daughter was 2. I met people at bars, online, and at the gym. Not sure you really know what you want based on your post. Seems like you have unreal expectations.
[ Reply | Options ]i don't think the op has indicated any expecations, one way or another. she's just asking a question.
[ Reply | Options ]No. I don't have expectations. I'm just really uncomfortable with the idea of dating again because I am worried it can potentially disrupt my and my children's lives. I'm wondering if other women had these feelings/fears and how they worked through it. Also, were there difficulties meeting men as a mother? How did you integrate your children into relationships?
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[-]We are going to San Francisco during the Feb school break. 2 dc - 8 and 6. Any suggestions on where to stay and what to do? Many thanks.
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Alcatraz tour, new Disney museum in Presidio is cool and they show the old classics, Crissy Field for a walk & hot cocoa at the Warming Hut...what is your budget as far as accomodations? Any preference on area of the city? (I'd avoid Fisherman's Wharf at all costs...)
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There is a Fire Truck tour that is cool. Ferry and then Hiking on Angel Island. Exploratorium is perfect for that age. Also recommend the new Academy of Sciences aquarium and Zeum at Yerba Buena Center. Ditto on Kara's Cupcakes - Marina and Ghiradelhi square. The quarter museum (aka Mechanical Museum I think) at Fisherman's wharf has all kinds of old fashioned quarter games. The Japanese Tea Garden and the Koret Children's playground with the carousel in Golden Gate park (cheap and easy). Chrissy Field also has programs scheduled for the kids that are free or very little $$$ and you can walk across the golden gate bridge. Legion of Honor and MOMA also have kid tours and activities. Where to stay? NOT south of Market or anywhere nea...
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[-]A lot of people say that once they have kids of their own, the appreciate what their own parents went through. Well, once I had my dc, I realized how easy my parents had it. They had live in caretakers, a housekeeper, extended family nearby, doting grandparents. On the other hand, I'm doing this all alone, with very minimal help and no family nearby. Its tough.
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You have no idea what it was like for your parents. Maybe you were a difficult baby.
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I just love how parents pressure their kids to give them grandchildren, then pressure to visit, talk incessently about how much they are going to babysit and then act soo burdened they are actually asked to watch. They sure do love the photo opps though....so they can run around and show all everybody how involved their are with their grandkids. Yeah right.
[ Reply | Options ]I think the majority of people's parents had it equally as hard or harder. My parents certainly had a lot less than we have, and they are incredibly helpful with our kids now, even though we do have a caretaker who also cleans. At the end of the day though, raising kids is hard work -- period. You can choose to embrace it and love it for what it is or harbor on those parents who have it easier -- a full time job if you do it in NYC. No way around it though, you are completely right, its tough.
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[-]Our monthly expense averages about 10K for a family of 3 in Manhattan. We rarely go out to eat, take public transportation, grocery shop once a week (average $200), no vacations etc. Is this just the cost of living in Manhattan (we rent)? I feel like we live pretty humbly but money just drains. What is your monthly expense?
47 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]how much is the rent? I just wondered because our monthly expenditure is closer to 7K but we're in Brooklyn.
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or, oh i agree that's not bad for where you are. We're paying 3500 for 3 bedroom in Brooklyn so that's possibly one saving.
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I send my children to PS 173, and they're thriving. Schools are what the students ... and their parents ... make of them.
[ Reply | Options ]in 2007, the state designated 173 as a school "in need of improvement." only 53% of 4th-graders achieved a 3 on ela last year. 0% got a 4. i realize the vast majority of dcs at the school are els, but to pretend the school doesn't have problems is just silly.
[ Reply | Options ]The problem isn't necessarily the school (my kids are getting a great education there). The problem is the high percentage of kids whose parents don't care about their education. They are predominantly colored, many of whom come from one-parent homes (mother, of course) where the mother is barely an adult herself. You can't really blame the school because of the students.
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probably half that with 3 kids in the city but we own (no mortgage) just a co-op maint and bills
[ Reply | Options ]we are the same, 3 people dh and I both work ft, nanny is $700 a week. Rent for small 2br is $3500 (there goes ~$7K)groceries are probably ~$600-$700 per month. Dry cleaning is another at least $100 per month, student loans $500, utilities and cable another $500, transportation including the random cab $300, insurance, cleaning lady etc so probably around 9K and about $700 in savings each month
[ Reply | Options ]We spend at least 12k a month on Amex. Includes clothes, food, taxis. After housing, car and private school expenses, we spend over 25k a month on average.
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We are about the same as well -- between 10-12K per month depending on purchases. One db, one on the way. 2BR apt (mortgage). I feel like we live humbly as well; I never spend money on luxury items or extravagent things, and just happy if I can save a couple of grand per month. cost of living in Manhattan is just terrible. And Obama is raising taxes on 250K plus??? That is nothing in Manhattan. Very unfair.
[ Reply | Options ]Ours are ~$15K for a family of 5 in public school. Rent is $6K; childcare $4K; groceries $1500. When I add in all the other bills and costs it usually runs about $15K. If I'm not in a short commute, good school are of Manhattan, I'd rather live outside the city altogether. So for us, this is the cost of living in the city.
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[-]what is the brand of cookie that comes in a plastic bag with green writing. they sell at upscale markets like citarella and whole foods.
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[-]Would some of you describe what it is like to live in SF with a family? What neighborhoods work for a family of 4? School and job would be in PAC Heights...would be renting an apt....
2 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]Ditto on the Marina. Great shops/restaurants on Chestnut St, Chrissy Field is great for bike riding, beach digging, etc, several parks nearby. Also central to lots of after-school type activities. Cow Hollow also works for this (btwn the Marina and Pac Heights) though a bit more hilly. Lived in NYC, loved it but love SF with kids. Its urban enough for me and more kid friendly with tons of adventurous outdoor actvities nearby year round - hiking in Marin, skiing in Tahoe, sailing, etc.
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[-]Anyone use acupuncture to relieve pain during labor? I had tried it during IVF (canceled cycle, but got pg naturally a few weeks later--go figure) will never know if acupuncture worked for success, however I am a believer and am curious about other benefits. Didn't end up using at all for 1st trimester morning sickness but still want to investigate this route. I'm early in 2nd trimester so just starting research on childbirth options--I'm not a super holistic type at all, probably not going the doula route etc BUT if I could choose acupuncture (and it helping) over drugs I'd do it (provided I got the doctors ok and all)
4 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]If you really want to avoid the drugs I would take the Bradley Method classes, or Hypnobabies. Bradley method requires you to be more mentally present, while Hypnobabies is more about getting yourself into a hypnotic, meditative state during contractions. Depends on what sounds like its more your style. That said, I am a CNM that does homebirth, and I have had mothers have all kinds of alternative practitioners aid them in labor, including acupuncturists. Its more about finding someone willing to attend you, and there may be rules about it if you are giving birth in a hospital. I have had 3 mothers use acupuncturists, 2 of them reported actual relief, one stopped using it when she got into active labor, and she just preferred being in the t...
[ Reply | Options ]You are going to want to move aroun dduring labor. You cannot move around with needles stuck in you. The urge to move around is strong -- here is the explanation: http://www.lamaze.org/ChildbirthEducators/ResourcesforEducators/CarePracticePapers/FreedomofMovement/tabid/484/Default.aspx
[ Reply | Options ]. . . that having been said, I talked with an acupuncturist who told me he was involved in a study about the effect of acupunture in labor. He is hoping it can be an alternative to epidural for women who refuse to go drug free. . . I guess I can't see needles in me when I am laboring in a hot bath tub.
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[-]This is for all of those parents who feel the need to "sneak" in vegetables using the "Deliciously Deceptive" attack on your kids that you don't feel are getting enough vegetables and nutrients. There are these new fangled things called VITAMINS that will give your kids the proper amount of nutrition that they need instead of deceiving your kids. You probably took them as kids-what's wrong with it now? Would your parent have mushed up a batch of broccoli and put it into brownies for you?? NOPE-they just threw the broccoli on your plate. Hey now there is an idea! Actually showing your kids that YOU eat vegetables might help.
35 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]Not only did they put it on our plate, but we were not allowed to leave the table until we actually CONSUMED what was on our plate. You see, back then, it was the parents who ran the home and made the rules, not the kids.
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No problems here. My son eats all the vegetables (except califour) because he had seen ME eating all the vegetables since the day he was born. Your kids will eat what you eat if you set a long lasting example.
[ Reply | Options ]My 4 yo ds has seen me eat vegetables and a variety of other foods his whole life. He always has breakfast and dinner with at least one parent. Yet he's never had an actual vegetable in his mouth. Even when we fed him baby food he spit them out. I'm glad your son eats vegetables but don't assume those of us with picky eaters aren't setting a good example.
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My kid loves veggies -- so I'm lucky. But for kids who don't, it's better to get veggies into them in SOME form than to rely on vitamins. Nutrients from foods are better absorbed than nutrients from pills. So it's great to give viatimins as a back-up, but it's still important that they eat fruits and vegetables too. FYI: my sis belongs to a csa, so she gets huge boxes of veggies fresh from the farm every week, and her kids see her eating them. One kid LOVES veggies, and the other, even after seeing mom eat them, hates them. Sometimes, there's only so much you can do to make a kid like them. Hopefully this younger kid will grow out of it.
[ Reply | Options ]Vitatmins aren't a sub for real food. That said, my kids eat vegetables--because I've consistently served them. I don't serve processed or fake foods, and people are shocked at what my kids will eat. Dcs are 8 and 4. These books are idiotic; a serving of the "deceptive" food has maybe a teapoon of veggies in it.
[ Reply | Options ]i don't want dd to get vitamins in lieu of food. i don't sneak veg, and dd has to eat what she's given.
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np I only give snacks occasionally--fruit and veg. American kids are CONSTANTLY eating, and it's disgusting. Goldfish, fruit roll-ups, pretzels. Crap.
[ Reply | Options ]What do you mean she has to eat her food? My dc will refust to eat and would rather go to bed hungry.
[ Reply | Options ]so let me know how she likes it in the morning when it's waiting for her. i don't play around when it comes to food. there are people starving on the planet. we certainly don't have a right to waste it.
[ Reply | Options ]Not eating vegatables doesn't equate to wasting food. I'm not throwing away food. However, I would never force a child to eat anything. I won't eat all foods, why should they be forced to eat something they don't like. My dcs only eat natural, healthful foods and I supplement with a multivitamin. I expect they'll eat more variety when they are older.
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My dd eats her veggies (as do I) but some kids are just super picky. Have a friend who has one like that - and another who loves veggies. Go figure.
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