[-]If we do early decision for William Woodward, do we really have to pull our apps out from other places? No harm, no foul, I am thinking. It is not our first choice but I want ds to at least get in there, if we don't do early decision, he will not get in, they basically told us.
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If they are ISAGGNY then yes. Do you already have a dc at the school? What do you think of it?
[ Reply | Options ]why though? How would they know? A poster 2 couple of years ago said she didn't. No dc at the school. Have you heard anything?
[ Reply | Options ]The official line with ISAGGNY is that if you accept a spot with one school you must pull all other apps to other ISAGGNY schools. Honestly I don't know how or if they would ever find out but just be prepared that you might get caught out doing it! I actually have a dc at the school now and love it. It wasn't our first choice but our dc loves it there. The only issue is the VERY short day. I believe no class in any year is much more than 3hrs long. We like the school.
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[-]Anyone on from DC? Need to talk schools--Sidwell, GDS, Beauvoir for my pre-Ker. Thanks.
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[-]BTDT moms: Does everyone who interviews at Friends get a letter thanking them for parent-child interviews? We got one, and while it looks like a form letter, I wondered if it has any significance other than general politeness.
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[-]i went to the Speyer open house last night. I didnt know much about the school before going. I really do think those teachers and Connie have the passion to create an amazing school- I think they will do it. Unfortunately their stength isnt in the marketing of the school and its mission. If I were them I would hire someone better able to communicate what makes the school special.
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Seems like it is some crazy lady with nothing better to do than to lie about the school Probably only one poster. I gotta say, she is one evil bitch. This site could be so useful for an informed discussion about the school, but instead she poisons the well. Ultimately, it hurts the children who would be the ultimate beneficiaries of the better educational choices that would flow an honest discussion of the pros and cons of the school. That someone would put a personal vendetta (that's what it seems like to me) ahead of the interests of kids is just terrible. I posted elsewhere on this site that her fanaticism actually motivated me to go to a speyer open house.
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I was there too and was very impressed by the approach to differentiation and building the curriculum around the abilities of the children. We are definitely going to apply. I just don't think this board is capable of a rational conversation about the school for obvious reasons.
[ Reply | Options ]OP I think you are right. Do you agree that the 'sales pitch' could have been clearer?
[ Reply | Options ]for sure, they are educators through and through, not marketers or traditional administrators. I also learned that they have decades of experience training teachers to teach gifted kids and I think that is very important. I was surprised that Lindy Uehling didn't speak -- she was the DOD standing that front. She used to be TV spokes model for Hunter. She was effusive in her praise of Connie and faculty.
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wow... that is telling isn't it? I have no horse in this race but the fact that the OH was so lightly attended speaks volumes that either there is a real lack of effective marketing &/or the school is truly not well respected.
[ Reply | Options ]I don't know if there were other OH available but you are right. It really is down to poor marketing I think. A school of that calibre should have a much higher profile. I think it will but it will take a few years.
[ Reply | Options ]Actually it was full - we have to go to next one because they want to keep them small.
[ Reply | Options ]I went at the end of October and it was full. Not too small, not too big...something like 30-40 people. What I found interesting is that people asked real questions. When I went to the tt interviews, people just asked softball questions :-) Very different crowd. Much more "economically diverse." Some people were in jeans, others in a suit and tie. Not sure that matters, but just an observation.
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The people who post on Speyer reveal themselves in later responses to be incredibly ugly, insulting, and mean-spirited. Is this the kind of people, like OP, the school attracts?
[ Reply | Options ]What are you talking about? Everyone on UB seems to be insulting and mean-spirited. Look at the post from the OR who cried spam above.
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You must be joking. The unmitigated hostility on this board toward Speyer and anyone who mentions it is perhaps the most predictable thing on UB besides the slavish devotion to the so-called "TT" schools. If I had anything to do with Speyer, I might share a few choice words with some of the posters here.
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The UB gods should really create a separate board for discussion about gifted kids and the options for them in this city. I have a 2-year old that has just started reading and dh and I are scared. After doing some searches on this board, the one thing that I have learned is not to talk about my ds with other moms and not to ever ask questions about Hollingworth or Speyer on this board. So how about it UB?
[ Reply | Options ]I think you're right not to talk about it with other people, especially parents. You can find lots of info if you search internet. There are many helpful books out there as well. Most people don't know much about issues surrounding gifted children anyway. It's better to do your own research discreetly.
[ Reply | Options ]yes, I realize this, but most parents support each other and share parenting advice. I'd like to find others who have btdt and can help us make good choices for her. It's not just that she's an early reader, there's other stuff too and we'd like to find other parents with similar kids.
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I know how you feel. It is definitely scary and a real responsibility (but a high-class problem to be sure). You won't get any support from a normal school, even (or particularly) a tt. Play dates will be difficult...just not that many kids out there like yours. Good thing you recognized it early and can go for hollingsworth and some of the citywide gifted programs. We got into a tt and thought we were set. Not even close...no accommodation for very gifted kids. Thank god for the internet--you can learn a lot and not feel alone or without guidance. Also, I highly, highly recommend immediately reading "Gifted Children, Myths and Realties" by Ellen Winner from 1996. It is by far the best book on gifted kids out there.
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Honest question from someone with no connection to Speyer = why do so many UBers HATE this school?
[ Reply | Options ]I think some reject the Speyer/Hollingworth premise that gifted kids are more likely to thrive in an educational setting with other gifted kids and where the curriculum is more individualized. Others like to believe that TT schools (which are hard to get into for reasons having nothing to do with test scores) cater to gifted kids when that admittedly do not. Still others are repulsed by any parents who believe their kid is gifted.
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Marketing alone cannot sell a product that isn't really there. It's like the U.S. trying to "market" to the Islamic world that U.S. is a true friend and we're not biased. They're not going to buy it no matter how we market. Speyer probably will be a good product in 5-10 yrs but for now, most people don't want to gamble no matter how great they are. They want proven track record. That's why the product is not selling. Not yet.
[ Reply | Options ]I agree with you that some, or maybe even most people want a proven track record, but my view is that everyone of the most impressive and accomplished people I know or admire is a risk taker and I think Speyer will perhaps succeed and be exceptional because it will attract more interesting and daring families. I wish them luck.
[ Reply | Options ]I partially disagree. Most parent want a good and suitable school experience for their child and a track record helps convince them their child will get it. It isnt all parent rely on though. If the school did a better job at presenting its mission, values etc then parents would be more comfortable making their decsion to send their child there.
[ Reply | Options ]I was at the open house last night and I thought they were very clear about their mission and what kind of child they are looking for. We have a friend whose dc attends and loves it and that's why we are inquiring. Comparing the Speyer open house last night to other ones we've attended was very telling. Perhaps because they are new, they gave a great deal of detail about curriculum with examples of how their individual approach is implemented. Speyer is being held to a much higher standard because it's new, but imho, it passed with flying colors last night.
[ Reply | Options ]it took until the question session for the mission to be clearly spelled out. I like the school a lot but it wasnt 'very clear' to me prior to that.
[ Reply | Options ]We were there, too, and there were about 50 people there, not including Speyer staff and a few current parents. Clearly, it does take a big leap of faith, but they sure seem to know what they're doing with the kids. Agreed about not-so-hot marketing campaign, but maybe they're concentrating their efforts on just getting the school going. I doubt that any of the families there care two cents about what UBers post, and those first families REALLY had to take a big leap because there wasn't even a school last year. So, they must've known something. Everyone we met seemed very genuine and concerned and involved.
[ Reply | Options ]Can anyone describe the facilities at Speyer? We have heard about it from another parent, and were curious. Also, are their requirements different from other private schools? Do they have ERB cut-offs or mandate IQ tests?
[ Reply | Options ]They will be moving next year, and will know where in 4-6 weeks (said HOS at OH). Currently, 2 classrooms, big gathering room, offices, gym. They use the facilities of Gateway school also, right next door, and use playgrounds across street at PS??, and public playground down the hill. The rooms are very airy, with almost floor to ceiling windows, lots of bright modern colors (thankfully NOT red, yellow, blue), and kids artwork everywhere (what school doesn't have that?). There are no rows of little desks, looks like kids sit in small groups or in circles.
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np: St.Ans' doesn't have cut off. Does that make that school ridiculous as well?
[ Reply | Options ]These constant cutoff comments are so uninformed and stupid that it's hard not to think that the posters are people who prepped their kids for the tests and are now hanging on to the scores as proof that their kids are brilliant. I've actually met parents who've argued that the test scores are meaningful even if the kids are prepped because some kids don't do well even with prepping
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[-]anyone have a child who didn't talk much at 2 and then "exploded" into language at 2.5 or so?
7 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]My first son exploded at around 2. But, we live in a bilingual household, and I think that's what contributed to the delay. He exploded into two languages at once. (Btw, he is at Anderson now, doing rather well, and his little brother started talking at 1.5 and hasn't shut up since).
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Thanks ladies. Dd is 2 and 2 months - can use and understand many words but never puts 2 together and I hear other 2 year old talking more - preschool teachers say it is something to "watch" - just don't want to be neurotic and rush to therapy but also don't want to miss a window. Thinking I will have her eval'd.
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[-]How would you handle? I have a wonderful nanny of five years. Today when she is leaving I overhear her say to my 6 yo, "If you are nice to me next week, I won't tell Mommy and Daddy about the secret from the playground." She has never complained that ds is not nice to her. Of course, I asked ds about it and he said "I have no idea."
22 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]I would fire her ASAP. She's teaching the DC to lie to his parents and have secrets. Next think you know her boyfriend have her DC jerk him off (aka Michael Jackson) and that's a "secret" we don't tell mommy. Iwouldn't even call her, I would fire her ass
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It is extraordinarily inappropriate for dc to have secrets from parents. Ask her first thing Mon. And ask dc now. It may as simple as an extra ice cream but it sets a bad precedent. YOU are the gatekeeper NOT the nanny. Do not allow her this power of him and you and your relationship with your child.
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I would guess she is from another time/culture and not in-tune with certain safety issues today. I would explain to her why encouraging a dc to keep secrets from parents is potentially dangerous thing. I would also take the opportunity to sit down with ds and her and reiterate that there is nothing that DS could do that would make you not love him and that he should feel like he can tell you anything.
[ Reply | Options ]Just talk to her! Was it said in a threatening way or in a playful way? You can say,
[ Reply | Options ]^"if you're nice to me..." to someone who is always nice to you. The "secret" might be a lucky penny, a girl that's in love with him, or an extra cookie. I agree that even in play the child should not be encouraged from -- should be discouraged from! -- having secrets from you, but if this is your "wonderful nanny of 5 years", then that's what I'd focus on and just work through this hiccup. If you find out that it is something serious, then take the appropriate action, but in all likelihood, it'll just come down to a talk about secrets. Call her today so you don't stew about it all weekend, or talk about it first thing Monday ("I've been wondering about something I heard you and X talking about...")
[ Reply | Options ]Ittta with this poster. If she has been with you for 5 years, then she has a definite relationship with dc, and these are things that are said between a trusted caregiver and a parent. I am not saying that it is ok to have secrets, but that can be explained to nanny and dc without ruining the caregiving relationship which you think is positive. The fact is, when we go to work (and I am a WOHM) we do cede some control to the nanny. You can redirect in a positive way.
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[-]If any of you can give me advice or refer me to someone who can, I would greatly appreciate it. Long story short....I fled an abusive marriage (verbal, emotional, financial, then physical). We're in Family Court to deal with Child Custody/Visitation and Support. My former attorney left me stranded when I could no longer afford to keep him on retainer. I requested and was awarded a court-appointed attorney for the Custody trial. But, I just found out from Family Court that court-appointed attorneys are not given for Support cases. I'd have to either hire another attorney or represent myself. I can't afford another $300+/hr attorney and representing myself isn't an option. My husband has convinced the judge that he has no money. Meanwh...
21 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]just go and represent yourself. the judge will walk you through what you need to do and say. chances are you will end up getting the support you need to get on your feet again. those judges have seen and heard everything and will be able to see through ex.
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http://www.nysba.org/AM/Template.cfm?Section=Public_Resources&Template=/TaggedPage/TaggedPageDisplay.cfm&TPLID=15&ContentID=1823
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an organization that helps abused women (such as The Retreat, in my area www.theretreatinc.org)may provide legal advocacy. I was helped with custody problem, no charge. A rep even came to family court with me and waited all day to see judge. if they cant help they may refer.there must be something like this in nyc. good luck!
[ Reply | Options ]don't know if they take such cases, but try the Legal Aid Socienty.... http://www.legal-aid.org/en/home.aspx
[ Reply | Options ]Thanks ladies for the support and referrals! Wanted to clarify, we're in NYC. We've already had two hearings and judge wasn't at all sympathetic to my situation. He keeps saying "You know, you've got to go out and get a job!" And I think to myself, "Yes sir, duh, I know that, but there's the small matter of not having enough money to pay someone to care for my child." That's why a (great) lawyer for trial is so important. Need someone who can get us more $ so that I can get back on my feet.
[ Reply | Options ]call everywhere you can and try to get pro bono attorney, DO NOT REPRESENT YOURSELF. whoever posted that does not know what they are talking about. i am attorney and wouldn't even represent myself, anyone who does is a fool. there has to be resources for you in NYC, i'm not there but looks like you should find something. why were you denied spousal support? do you have copies of your tax returns and other documents that show what your husband makes?
[ Reply | Options ]Denied spousal support because husband is paying off debt that I wasn't aware of: owes ex-wife child support in low six figures!, that payment is $3K/month, plus others. His financials show more going out than coming in, but like I said he's living in nice 1 BR with plans to move to 2 BR in same bldg. So, there's something wrong with this picture, and I can't fix it on my own. As for taxes, he skated by without filing for the past few years. And although he works as a consultant, thank goodness right now his income can be traced because company is paying him as if he were salaried.
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[-]what is your 5th grade ds reading? Need new book ideas - tia
7 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]Mysterious Benedict Society series (3), James Owen series (a new book just came out). Also, Artemis Fowl and I could go on. What kind of books does your dc like? I also always recommend The Westing Game, came out in 1970s.
[ Reply | Options ]Sherlock Holmes kind of stuff - he likes mysteries - do you know any good mystery series?
[ Reply | Options ]How about Chasing Vermeer and the 2 sequels? They are about kids solving mysteries in Chicago (modern day).
[ Reply | Options ]np--There's a series about a spunky girl detective named Sammy Keyes that he might like (yes, boys can read about girl heroes). The first of about ten books in the series is Sammy Keyes and the Hotel Thief.
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[-]What is a TT school, and what are the best ongoing schools in manhattan?
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[-]I want to get my 2 yo ds a little piano for his holiday recommendations. anyone recommendations for a particular brand? he loves real pianos (we don't have one, but family does), but is also 2yo so a bit destructive!
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It's about the whole school. Why would you want to send your child to a school where the director is not liked? My friend who is there says the director just needs more experience on how to talk to parents and get over her authoritative personality. Hmm, that sounds like quite a bit to overcome to me.
[ Reply | Options ]Toured the school. Met the new director and admissions person. Very unimpressed with the director...she barely spoke. I hear the old director was very different (in a good way). School was clean, but I am hearing from friends who are already there that they are unhappy with new administration and teachers.
[ Reply | Options ]The school is going down hill very fast. Ever since the old director left, the school has been a mess!
[ Reply | Options ]you did a search and posted this on both threads regarding Rhinelander -you have some bone to pick. What happened? Did they reject you?
[ Reply | Options ]No, I have one child who is still there and one that went through already. It's just not the place it use to be. The new pre-k teacher doesn't even know all the kid's names and it's November! She just really doesn't seem to know what she is doing.
[ Reply | Options ]I agree! Not the school that it was. Oh well! We are moving next year, so this is our last year there. I would not recommend it to those who are searching for pre-schools.
[ Reply | Options ]I can't believe that some current parents are bitching so much! There are many kids who did not get a spot at preschools. You should be thankful that your child has a place to go and socialize w/ other children. If you're so not happy, why don't you just pull your dc out? What matters is that "are your child happy?" If you say "yes", then that's your answer.
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My niece just took her sb - the tester said he knew a lot and asked where she went to school - it was rhinelander - so there you go
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[-]Good $15-$30 bday gift for 5yo girl? [Sry, I'm sure this has been discussed before, but the search engine isn't working for me.]
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[-]SB question: If tester doesn't matter, then why are some much more popular? Why do I keep seeing the same tester names on UB, while others (on that Hunter tester list)are rarely or never mentioned?
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fwiw, i took sb when i was a kid and i just didn't "click" with my first tester. got a decent but not great score. due to a teacher's urging, my parents had me tested with another private tester. the improvement in score was so significant that i think it had something to do with "clicking" with the tester. to this day, i remember the 2nd tester ... almost 30 years later
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[-]4 yo DD is driving me batty. Pushy, demanding and draining me. I'm seriously thinking, that I have to enroll her in activity (already do soccer and prescool!). I know we're not outside as much with the colder weather upon us, so I need to get creative! Any suggestions?
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[-]How much do you spend per year on children's clothes per child?
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well, i have a ds, so that makes it easier. i shop the sales at old navy, target, walmart. i buy a winter coat a bit big at an end-of-season sale (usually old navy for under $20) to last two years. i buy four pairs of jeans per school year and have been known to get them for $8 a pair at target. i graciously accept hand-me-downs. shoes kill me, though. the pair of skechers i bought at an outlet and he's been wearing since the start of the school year already have a hole in them. : (
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few hundred. I buy almost everything on clearance the year before. I got 8 gap dresses for $7-10 last year. Snow pants for $15 - everything like 80% off. I did great. I have a big stash for next summer too. Boden, old navy too
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less than $40. So far, all hand-me-downs from cousin. Realize that will stop eventually when dd understands she can go to store w/us and get new t hings but for now, it has been heaven.
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$500 for both boys (5 and 2). My mom gifts my sons with a lot of the more expensive stuff (sweaters, boots, jackets) so I buy the staples (pants, t-shirts, pjs, underwear, socks). I shop mostly at the GAP, Children's Place, and Gmyboree, and the youngest inherits a good deal of the oldest's clothes.
[ Reply | Options ]Is this per season or year? Even though I have a ds, I buy him cute designer things and cashmere to play in because it is so cozy. I also buy some Gap stuff, but never anything cheaper than that. Buy him nice shoes, Uggs, etc.
[ Reply | Options ]me too. DSs dont need clothes from target while girls get all their clothes at barneys!! all my PJ's are target (I used to buy all the petit bateau ones, but then I had another kid. and I realized yea, having snaps vs having a zipper makes a BIG difference for a busy mom with two kids), but his closet has like half stuff from gap (basics) and half from bonpoint, armani, etc. Id say I spend 1000/yr per kid.
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[-]Hate to say this, but this is anonymous so I'll try. I hate my DS's personality. At least so far. He jsut turned 2 and all he does is cry and whine and cling to us. Every transition is a nightmare. He doesn't go to strangers well, is hysterical when he's with his grandparents, and honestly cries and whines nonstop in our house. All my friends have these happy, well adjusted kids who are so easygoing and my DS is anything but. Anyone else been there done that? Am I awful for saying I don't like his personality?
104 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]might be a stage that will pass; though terrible two's can start before two and last beyond it.
[ Reply | Options ]Can you think of any thing you and DH have done to contribute to this behaviour?
[ Reply | Options ]We fight about this constantly. DH says its 100% my personality. I don't see myself this way, but maybe he's right.
[ Reply | Options ]I'm not at all looking to blame anyone. But I do think we need to examine ourselves as parents first. You and DH are the primary teachers your ds has had since day one. It also may hold the solution, that if behaviour can be taught it can also be re-taught.
[ Reply | Options ]I have 5 kids. Two of them were like this, the others completely the opposite. I swear they were just born being cautious, easily scared and nervous. Now they are very poised, nice, smart kids, and everyone says they wish their dcs will grow up to be like them. It is hard road, but work with what they are, rather than fighting it, and forcing them to do things that you know will be an issue.
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Mine is like that too. It is exhausting, and lonely, as he does not enjoy being around other people much. I do, and have lots of friends with kids, but he does not enjoy playdates that much. Trying to back off, and just do what he does enjoy for a bit.
[ Reply | Options ]Thanks. He doesn't seem to enjoy much. We tried taking him on rides this summer at Sesame Place and he was miserable. Cried the entire time. So obviously he hates rides. Went to the children's zoo and he was afraid of the animals. He just doesn't like anything. Don't have many friends with kids who act this way. Other friends kids are so easy going.
[ Reply | Options ]I know exactly what you mean. But I feel better now I have focused on what he does like to do. Which is really just simple, quiet, things that do not involve strangers. Going on the swings.(will not go on slide or climb on climbing frame) Sandboxes. Reading. Cooking. Playing with legos, playmobil and blocks. Feeding ducks. Playing with water table. I have also limited playdates to just 2 kids, so he can get comfortable with them, and then add one more a month...It is tiring, but my ped said to give him more att, then he will ask for less. I find he is much better when he has plenty of sleep and food.
[ Reply | Options ]That's the other thing we fight about. DH says I don't feed him enough and he always is begging for snacks when he sees other kids having them and then shovels them in. I give the same recommended meals that he's been getting since he started table foods at 9m. And he eats like clockwork, always 4 hours after the previous meal. So food is not an issue. He sleeps 14 hr/night, and naps 2 hours/day. At the park he just runs around and babbles and points. Won't go on the slide or climb, just likes to wander.
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He started table food at 9m and dropped baby food. He gets some snacks (healthy only, no sugar) but snacks are bad and I don't want him to be a fat child. He's not, so I'm obviously going to keep up what I'm doing. Its just that he always seems hungry!
[ Reply | Options ]Give him more food. Every 4 hours is a long time. I give snack every hour or so to keep blood sugar up. Runs around, babbles and points? This is where you lose me, and it sounds off.
[ Reply | Options ]When he was little we fed him whenever he woke up (bottle then food) and then exactly 4 hours later. If he woke up at 840, he ate again at 1240, and so on. We've continued this even after he stopped bottles. What's wrong with that? Snacks shouldn't be given so often between meals. They make kids fat.
[ Reply | Options ]Look. It is too long between meals for a 2yo. This is anonymous, and I am trying to help, not flame. Do you have eating disorder? Is this part of issue with your dh?
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np: most books i've read have said 3 meals a day and 2 snacks. (toddler 411 is a good book for these sorts of basics imo). and snacking doesn't have to be unhealthy. my 2 yo often has raisins or fruit as a snack or cheerios, a granola bar etc. it doesn't have to be a cookie or candy
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you have serious issues, no wonder your dc does. let him eat, don't worry about him being fat. how much does he weigh?
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As a NYC pediatrician, I can honestly say with great sincerity that I do not believe that any of my colleagues would make this statement. While there are some characteristics of autism that begin early on, the brunt of symptoms become more apparent well after the 1st birthday. And walking in the mean range does NOT indicate that the child is not autistic. You sound like you need some serious help in real life. Please seek advise.
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Agreed. He's definitely starting to show spectrum-type behaviors. Get help ASAP.
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You feed him exactly 4 hours after his previous meal? Like when you did bottles? And you haven't increased his food intake since he was 9m and he's over 2? What's the matter with you?
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sounds really hard. do you stay home? if so, you may need some regular breaks (if you can afford it). it is like a collicky baby, you'll need to have time off in order to stay patient and loving. the more you embrace him, the more likely he is to start feeling secure and less scared. it feels like it will never end but it will. try not to fight about it either. it sucks, just commiserate and try not to blame one another, it's just who he is for a little while.
[ Reply | Options ]I had a dc like this. Now much older and quite amazing at the few things he likes. It was very hard in the early years, but try to support his enthusiasms. Sometimes this sort of focus and reserve pays off - even if it means dc is the one who won't try things and seems like the hard one early on, when he won't do the dance at the bday party, or join the parade.
[ Reply | Options ]I want the kid who gets up to dance and play with other kids. I want him to be happy and fun and the kid other kids gravitate towards. I want him to be rowdy and like sports. I can tell already that he's not going to be any of that.
[ Reply | Options ]Not if you starve the poor kid, no wonder he is miserable and not developing. Jeez. We are group of experienced moms, and everyone is telling you the same thing. So listen. Do you want your dh to leave you, and get custody because you are abusing this kid? You need to deal with this, Now.
[ Reply | Options ]It's time to turn that around and love him for exactly the funny little guy he is. Go with it. It will bear fruit. You cannot change him - but he can be the best kid of the sort he is, with your love and support. I cannot stress enough the need for you to let go of what you thought he should be.
[ Reply | Options ]Why do you want him to be such specific things? You are not a very good mother -- you sound terribly narcissistic. That isn't the worst trait in the world -- plenty of people have that problem -- but it doesn't make you very fit for mothering. You are starving your child, not only of food, when he needs it, but of feeling that it's okay to be who he is, which is, evidently, not a party animal. He will grow up feeling "wimpy" -- your insulting term, which no two-year-old can possibly deserve, however much he detests amusement park rides or socializing with other kids. I send him love and support and hope you get help figuring out what parents do to support their children.
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Try not to blame yourself. Try not to fight with DH. Try to find activities/settings/foods that will work for DS, but don't push him and don't overinvest in making him happy; there's a limit to what you can do, and stressing will not help. And BTW, D's issues might bear some vague similarity to your personality, but I doubt that DH married someone who was that unhappy, and if he did, he has only himself to blame.
[ Reply | Options ]DH says my personality has deteriorated since having DS. Says I didn't make friends while on maternity leave b/c of my personality. At first I thought he was wrong, but maybe he's right.
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He makes fun of the fact that I made no mommy friends. My other friend who had a DC around the same time made tons of friends. I made none. I live in an area that has tons of new moms and dreamed about having tons of friends and I really made none. I think my DH is starting to think something is wrong with me.
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Your DH sounds like an ass. Is it possible your DS is scared of his dad? Who tells his wife that her personality has deteriorated since having his child?
[ Reply | Options ]He's actually better when he's with my DH. DH is fun and outgoing. My husband is embarassed by DS's personality. Wants a fun laid back kid who handles adversity well. Ours doesn't.
[ Reply | Options ]you need to speak to someone IRL. this doesn't sound very normal to me. partly b/c you are putting too much importance onto your 2yo's behavior. one or both of you is a little off, imo. is your ds in school at all?
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do they think he's abnormally fearful? a lot of the examples you gave above seem very normal to me. and if it makes you feel better, i have a dc who was quite anxious. she's still anxious and needs to plan things out and think things over, but she's also very well liked and fairly popular. don't go overboard by expecting your 2yo to be a teenage "most popular" kid in the class.
[ Reply | Options ]Lets be honest, the wimpy kids get picked on, bullied, and like bugs. I don't want that kind of kid. I want the cool kid. I know I sound ridiculous, but that's what I wanted. And so does DH.
[ Reply | Options ]omg. its not about what you want. its about creating a loving and nurturing enviroment so your ds can blossom. you can't make him into something he's not. just love him for who he is.
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i honestly think you need to see a therapist about this. you are putting all this pressure and expectations on a 2year old. he is so new to the world and it can be overwhelming - you need to guide him in discovering it. i have a ds the same age and yes, its hard, but you are going to drive yourself and your ds crazy. go to therapy and in the meantime, try to chill a little when with ds and follow his lead, even if you think it is stupid or silly.
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To the OP: Please, please, please get yourself into therapy. Your DH is trying to help (albeit perhaps in the wrong way, but maybe he doesn't know better) and is obviously concerned. While you're in the market for help yourself, GET YOUR DS HELP ASAP! Have a full evaluation, have a visit to the pediatrician, and BE HONEST with the doc about all that you do. Please, for the sake of your DC!
[ Reply | Options ]You have an eating disorder. Mostly it sounds like you need some counseling for yourself but I worry that you have harmed your DS with your own anxiety about your personality and your absurd approach to feeding your toddler. Really, this is coming from a thin person with thin children, toddlers eat constantly. Snacks all the time. Whenever they say they are hungry, pull out the fruits, the veggies, the milk, the yogurt, the cheese, some whole wheat toast, healthy crackers... He needs lots of food right now! Get a clue please for the health of your tiny one.
[ Reply | Options ]I have a graduate degree in mental health so I am speaking from some ed. and experience. You sound like you have psych issues yourself that you are passing onto your child. You are making him "nuts" about food; he shouldn't have to wait four hours to eat; he should not have to be begging for snacks when other kids are getting them. This is your first thing to accomplish - stop denying him his need to feel comfortable with food. If you truly care about your child, begin giving him food so he's satisfied TODAY. And see where that leads him. No wonder this kid is so miserable. Next, PLEASE get help for yourself; you need a good counselor to work with you on life issues.
[ Reply | Options ]Also, you should know that your approach to giving your child your version of healthy eating habits is going to backfire. You are taking a perfect child with normal hunger cues and screwing up his ability to know when he is hungry. He is likely to grow up with the same obsession with food that you have which could either simply make him struggle with eating or it could end up encouraging him to overeat when given the chance.
[ Reply | Options ]in our psych class, our prof told us there are three types of temperaments (something like friendly, slow to warm up, and avoidant...not sure exact terms) and when they tested people as infants then as adults, most of them retained the same temperament. so i really do think it's often genetic. some kids might get friendlier, but they are still not as 'naturally' outgoing as those born giggly cuddly babies. also, maybe the kid has low blood sugar cuz ur overregulating his food and he gets irritable.
[ Reply | Options ]She keeps saying that her son's personality is "grating". Did it ever occur to you that it's you that have the grating personality and are causing his problems because of your obsessiveness over food control. The way you are treating him is abormal. Give him good food when he wants it. I'm actually relieved to read that he's in daycare full day (and I don't usually agree with this but in your case it's a good thing) so someone is giving him some food during the day. I don't even know you, but I'd like to have your child stay with me for two months to get him happy with food and lose the nervousness that you have induced in him over it.
[ Reply | Options ]NP: OP you say the doctor told you to feed every four hours. You don't seem to understand that even if a doctor did actually say those words to you, they were meant for a baby not a toddler. You are seriously malnourishing your child and causing him harm. Who knows how he would be behaving if you hadn't been starving him? He might act totally differently if you fed him properly. You know those other kids getting snack from their moms who are happy and well adjusted. Look to yourself, you caused this problem. Go get help right away. If you don't, I hope one of your neighbors or your day care call social services and someone intervenes to help your child. Your dh needs to step up and do something about this if you won't.
[ Reply | Options ]I was preparing an answer about how you and your dh are stuck in a really pathological cycle here and then I read the comment, "I want the cool kid", and now I don't believe you anymore, unless someone else is posting and pretending to be you. Fake.
[ Reply | Options ]You and your dh sound like uptight control freaks who are placing a lot of pressure on an innocent TODDLER to fulfill your expectations. Get HELP, up to and including anti-anxiety meds.
[ Reply | Options ]Voice of reason here: your kid is 2! That is a tough age and I don't think it has any bearing on how your DS will turn out personality-wise. Everything changes all the time. I think at 2 yrs a kid is allowed to be scared of things or tearful. Your DS is still so very young. Your DH needs to stop talking so much crap all the time.
[ Reply | Options ]You complain that you didn't make any mom-friends, yet you expect your ds to be very social. He probably does take after you. Do you have Asberger's by any chance? Are you a loner? I'm sure there are some very wonderful things about your ds, yet you haven't mentioned them, or you are not aware of them. He may be creative- an artist, musician, writer. It's oK to be a loner. Love him as he is! However, please FEED him!
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[-]How long did it take you to get ERB results back? Waiting, waiting. Wondering what range is these days.
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[-]for those of you who have been BOTH sahm and wohm, which is tougher? why? currently sahm but considering going back to work, i'd like to hear from those who have done both. TIA
71 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]i've been in and out of work since first dc was born. four periods as a sahm, i've done the wohm f/t, wohm p/t, and wah. bottom line is that there's no easier or harder. but there are pros and cons. here are some of them. woh gets you out of the house, gets you dressed every day, gets you talking to adults. it can also add additional stress (depending on the job), it can be really hard to juggle work and home, and it's very dependant on good childcare. sahm can be very fulfilling but also very monotonous and draining. it can be incredibly hard work or it can be very boring. a lot depends on the age of the child adn number of kids. i tend to think of wohm being easier on high energy women and sahm easier on people who can't run out to...
[ Reply | Options ]you know what is the toughest? living life as a contest. nobody has an easy life. you're not in competition.
[ Reply | Options ]I'm a WOHM, never been a SAHM BUT I would have to say that the age of your children is a huge factor on which is easier and as an above poster said, your financial situation and ability to pay for help (housekeeping, babysitting) whether you WOH or SAH
[ Reply | Options ]mine are 1 and 3 and i am sahm, get only 6 hours a week to myself with sitters, preschool. it is so hard!!! my friend is wohm and she thinks she has it tougher. i disagree
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I don't usually rest during those hours! that's when i buy groceries, go to doctors appts, pay bills, do laundry, etc. although i do all that with dcs, too, it's just easier to buy a whole week's groceries or whatever without 2 little ones with you. those six hours are not together, spread out b/w 2 different days. 6 hours altogether would be heaven.
[ Reply | Options ]So why do you disagree with your friend? It seems to me that a WOHM would have to do all those things, too. Just asking. TTC'ing so I have no dog in this race.
[ Reply | Options ]i just know that when i did work part time when i had 1 dc, the hours at the office were not physically draining like keeping 1 or small dcs. usually, a day at the office was refreshing compared to being at home with kids all day --- it's a lot of work and wears you out, i guess it's just a lot more intense to be constantly watching, feeding, playing with, changing, your kids, etc. no free time at all when you are a caretaker, esp. with demanding kids
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done both. WOHM and SAHM with no help are both equally hard. SAHM with any help is a vacation. sorry, it's true.
[ Reply | Options ]LOL. For my birthday I had a babysitter over for four hours while I went to the spa. I loved it, but it's not something I would do reguarly. Otherwise, why bother SAH?
[ Reply | Options ]It depends on what you define as help. When I was a SAHM, I had a cleaning person 1x a week - it absolutely made my life easier, but not a "vacation". I also had a "date night" babysitter, who I could call on sometimes to watch DB so I could go to a doctor's appt, but that was it. DC has classmates whose families have one FT nanny per DC and a housekeeper/cook with a SAHM - that's a different story.
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did you feel that way when your kids were 3 and less than 1? you had no help and sahm? b/c those ages are so much tougher than 6 and 3
[ Reply | Options ]Well, it was harder, certainly, b/c DH works in BigLaw so I'm home by myself. But I always wanted kids and I'm TTC'ing now, so I'm doing exactly what I want to do and I am very happy doing it.
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I WOH before DCs but have been a SAHM since DCs. I don't know if it's easier than being a WOHM, but I also feel like this is what I signed up for, so why pawn off my kids to a regular babysitter if I wanted to SAH? Don't get me wrong, my mom babysits for me on occasion and I need a break but I just understand the point of having a nanny when you're a SAHM.
[ Reply | Options ]you made it sound like you only had help on your birthday. if your mom regularly helps you out, you are pawning off your kids to a regular babysitter. OP was about sahm vs. wohm, not whether a sahm needs a nanny. you have a part time nanny in your mom so don't complain about other sahms
[ Reply | Options ]She helps me out maybe once a month, so more frequent than my birthday but less frequent than someone to come in all day or half a day every day.
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you are judging others for "pawning" their kids. if they need regular help, they need it. some people don't have the luxury of a mother like yours, and unfortunately, sometimes you have to hire someone to work regularly if you want help, esp. part-time. if your child is 6 and in school, and you have a 3 year old, you have it very easy imo. try having a 2 year old and a 1 month old baby, that is me, i am sahm and have part time help 2 days a week and it is infuriating that you look down on that. my dh never helps me with kids, either.
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I am OR. I work p/t, the days I am home I have no help. Nanny comes only on days I work. Both days working and being home alone with dcs are equally exhausting. I was on extended maternity leave, where nanny came on the days I would normally work. It was so relaxing. Older dc at school for part of day and nanny was with newborn. I read, watched DVDs, took walks and ran errands at my leisure. I was able to spend time with dcs one on one, at my discretion, which is significantly easier than balancing the schedules of 2-3 dcs, on your own. After experiencing this, I have a different view of moms with help, even 2-3 days/week, who don't work. They just have no idea how much easier their lives are than those of true SAHMs and WOHMs.
[ Reply | Options ]Spa Mom: OK, I think I'm catching flak for your original comments. I also think it's different to work PT and be home PT, because you're getting the best of both worlds. A lot of SAHMs feel like they get no break, which you do in fact get on the days you're WOH. I feel like I get no break, too, but this is what I wanted so I am happy to do it.
[ Reply | Options ]Sorry about that! People tell me I have the best of both, but it is exhausting nonetheless! Needless to say, I have total respect for true SAHMs (no help) and WOHMs. Gotta run home now and relieve the nanny, prepare dinner, and get ready for bedtime (see what I mean?). I'll try and check back at some point this weekend or Monday.
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I think WOHM is harder because we have to do everything SAHMs do in a shorter period of time. Just my IMHO.
[ Reply | Options ]I don't know, it depends on your job. I'm a WOHM and my income pays for day care 3x/wk, nanny 2x/wk, babysitter most Sat nights and a housekeeper 2x a week, college fund for ds, and vacations several times a year. If I was a SAHM on one income (in this area) I would have many more banal chores to do at home. So I think finances have a lot to do with which is easier.
[ Reply | Options ]what do you have to do in a shorter period of time that a sahm has to do? have you ever been sahm?
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were your hours as sahm not more physicall draining as sahm? also, if you only have 1 child, it's not that different, but when you get small 2dcs as sahm, it's much more demanding, and i think the posts reflect that. both are hard, but a lot of it depends on work and ages and children, and if there is more than 1 dc
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I am a SAHM with 3DCs under 3 with no help and some days I just want to bash my head into a wall. Although, I can't imagine balancing their schedules with my work schedule would be a walk in the park either.
[ Reply | Options ]i feel for you and feel the same. i am sahm with 1yo and 3yo. i just think an office job and getting to have lunch and not feed other little people at the same time, actually go to the bathroom alone, etc. all day would be a cakewalk compared to keeping 2 or 3 little ones all day.
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You are me in a few weeks. Any advice on how to cope? Although I do get out and have a p/t job every Sat night for 4 hours, its my me time and its great!
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depends on the job, ages and number of children, your situation. no easy answer. if you just need some relief, get part time help and/or work part-time. going back to work full time wohm is hard, esp. if your dcs are small
[ Reply | Options ]OP: after these responses, and thinking it over, i think i don't want to be full time wohm. we could use the money and it would be nice in some ways, but i would miss my 2 dds so much. i want to be with them the majority of the time. i think i want to try and work part-time until the youngest starts K. i just don't want to get out of the loop altogether as i do intend on going back to work some day, question is when
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i think just reading about full time wohms and seriously thinking about how much less i would see my dds, although in some ways it might be easier, in other ways it would be harder --- esp. not being with them. i mean, i miss them now if they spend the night with my mom. i miss them when i do have help. i'd really miss them if i was wohm 5 days a week! also, the posts about part-time wohm seem to be the happiest
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I've done SAH, ft WOH, and pt WOH. For me it's a no brainer that pt WOH was the best and easiest combo - physically and mentally. I found SAH to be "easier" in the sense that it was less pressure and more flexibility. And the times I SAH with help were truly a breeze. But I also found it boring, repetitive, and depressing - but that's just my personality. WOH is a better fit for me. I do WOH pt b/c I have 3dc and 2 are school age so they need me around much more now (contrary to what you think when you have only infants/toddlers).
[ Reply | Options ]how do you do WOH part time? do you mind telling what you do? why do the kids need you more now that they are school age? i'm really interested in your answer
[ Reply | Options ]I'm a doctor and work pt. When I had 3rd dc I dropped to about 50%, now he's 2yo and I'm gradually going back up to about 80% which is my perfect range. Older dc need you there more. It's the afterschool homework and being involved with the day-to-day events of their lives. If you want them to feel comfortable discussing social pressures, peer issues, academic struggles, you need to feel connected. Any kind and responsible caregiver can care for an infant/toddler well. But as kids hit 6 or 7yo, they recognize the need for Mom or Dad too. Even a great nanny can't provide the same emotional/academic support as a parent. I suppose the academic issue could be solved with a tutor, but at $100 or more/hour, that isn't a reasonable option for us.
[ Reply | Options ]ITTTTTA. I also WOH PT. On the 2 days when DC stays at afterschool and I pick her up at 6pm, she's exhausted - all she wants is to have dinner and go to bed and I hear nothing about her day (HW is done at afterschool). On the days when I pick her up at 3, she's more than happy to tell me all about her day - who she had lunch with, what they talked about, etc. I also supervise her HW and have a much better idea of what she's doing in class.
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I WOHM through the school year and SAHM in the summer. I think SAHM is much harder, but I love that time with my child too. I love my work and have a lot of fun during my day, so work almost seems like a vacation. SAHM is exhausting, but at the same time it is awesome to get to see your child all day. For me, three months of the year at home is just about right!
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college kids and grad students. they are great, and my schedule is probably more flexible than a lot of k-12 teachers (since my classes are infrequent). eventually i will probably need to start doing research full time over the summer, but for the last few years i have been able to duck out!
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SAHM is tougher for me. I do everything I did before as a mom, but being in an adult environment from 7am till 5pm is so much easier than being with my kids all day (and all night). Don't get me wrong, love my kids, but I do more with them, in terms of stimulating activities, projects etc, when I have a chance to be myself at work first. But it's different for different people. The money also helps greatly with my relationship with DH.
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