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  • [-]So my biological father is dying of what will probably be ruled a murder. He was a troubled man that lead a troubled life. Very hurtful towards my mother, myself, his 2nd wife, their kids, for many years- physically, emotionally, verbally. Involved in drugs, drinking, you name it. I was adopted by my stepdad who is a wonderful father and has been for most of my life. Why am I sad? My biological father was never even a dad to me. I feel very confused, strange and kind of like 'what the h**l am I supposed to do with this?'

    9 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]
    11.03.09, 09:34 PM [ Flag ]
    • Because it won't be made right. He'll be gone, and it will be cemented in reality. I know what I'm talking about here, and I'm really sorry for you.

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      11.03.09, 09:38 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • by made right, you mean, he never was the father he should have been and now never will be? If thats what you mean, then yes, you're totally right. I always kind of felt that one day we would talk. not have a father/daughter relationship, but talk. Ask questions, get answers. Nope. My poor mother is still terrified of him. Been about 20 yrs. still has nightmares, still fears for herself and family sometimes. I think she is relieved. Im confused, sad, sad mostly for his children... 21, 19, 11, but also b/c as horrible of a man as he was, he was someones something, someones daddy and he didnt deserve to go out like this.

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        11.03.09, 09:47 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        • I think those of us who have a parent who cannot live up to the parent role (and in my case it is my mom)-- we have a tendency to try to shape the relationship into what society expects it to be. I have finally given up on mine. My mom made NASTY comments at my wedding (to dh, told him he was "getting a bad deal"), she put through a divorce to my dad weeks before our big wedding, although she had been talking (incessantly) about getting the divorce without taking action for 10 yrs. When my first db was born with a birth defect, she told me it would have been better if db had died during the (v difficult) delivery. I opened the door to many of the contacts and invited her in, and her response was always some form of psychological sabotage. I...

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          11.04.09, 08:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
          • my mom is not going to live much longer either (serious health issues). I try to be good to her without expecting anything in return. I try to let go of any idealized view of what "should have been" -- that just was not her. GL to you. Sounds like he was lucky to have you.

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            11.04.09, 09:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • It's still a loss. Perhaps a loss of what could have been, not what was/is. You probably had fantasies (in an innocent sense) about your biological Dad for many years when he was not with you. Perhaps some of them involved a normal healthy relationship with him. Now that fantasy has become reality and tells you that will never be. Therapy helps.

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      11.04.09, 08:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • I'm not sure therapy helps, actually. Having a great step dad probably helps more than therapy.Aiming for healthier relationships now with other people helps. Avoid any therapies where you are tempted to hash over what went wrong with relationship with biological father.

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        11.04.09, 09:00 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        • op here: have done therapy. it did help, but i got out of it all that i could. now its just a matter of moving on. the sad part of this all, speaking to the first response post, is that my mother is just like yours. I really got the short end with both of my parents, but my step father really is my dad. I feel like I am betraying my dad a bit by being sad that my biological father is dying. (he is currently still alive, but in a deep coma.) The fantasy thing about wonder what could have been one day is 100% true. While i never wanted/expected a father/daughter relationship with him, he is my blood and some kind of contact would have been great. I, also, have a wonderful, loving dh and a precious baby girl. My life is great and I am thankful...

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          11.04.09, 11:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • think you are grieving for what you didn't have with this father. It sounds totally normal to be sad for what you lost while he was living his crazy life. Be easy on yourself and just go with it.

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      11.04.09, 11:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
  • [-]help...am doing thanksgiving turkey this year.am panicking. did very poorly 4 years ago and avoided since...cannot buy pre done bcs we are doing a week early. where is best and easiest recipe?

    11 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]
    09.15.09, 03:43 PM [ Flag ]
    • I never use a recipe. Just make sure you remove the bag of innards. Truss (I'm sure there's a video online) and baste with white wine and butter (throw some herbs into the pot). Roast at 325 until thermometer reaches 170. Alternatively, roast turkey breasts (very easy).

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      09.15.09, 03:49 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • love it..thanks...you have eased my mind!!..how often is the basting (approx)??

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        09.15.09, 04:04 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        • Maybe every half an hour? Not a big deal, but helps make more gravy. Just dump some wine in a small pot with a stick of butter and herbs (which don't need to be chopped or anything, just washed) Oh, and for the first hour or so, cover the breast with foil so that it doesn't brown too much too quickly.

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          09.15.09, 04:32 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • I always make a perfect turkey: Make a butter/herb mix (can do in advance). Rinse turkey (defrosted if frozen). If you have the space in fridge or cooler, brine turkey overnight in water/kosher salt solution. Drain/pat dry. Rub butter mix between meat and skin to as many places as you can reach (detach skin as needed). Rub some butter (or butter mix) on top of skin also. Sprinkle with nutmeg (helps turkey brown). Place turkey in roasting pan on roasting rack, legs trussed. Ten the turkey with a brown paper bag that has been oiled (spray oil) and cut open to fit in oven over turkey. Roast at 325 until thermometer reaches 165. To make gravy, place some chicken stock in the roasting pan, towards the end drain stock and juices to use ...

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      09.15.09, 04:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • get a special deep fry for the turkey. done in about 1 hour, and so juicy. not oily at all cuz the oil's so hot, seals the bird and so it cooks in its own juices. the most painless thanksgiving turkey thus far.

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      09.15.09, 04:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • Be sure to brine the turkey... it will help it stay moist, and once brined it is pretty hard to screw up.

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      09.15.09, 04:56 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • And if you REALLY want good gravy, TOAST the flour in one of those big black cast iron skillets until it is golden brown (careful, burns quickly; stir constantly); add the turkey grease, then add chicken stock, sage, S&P, Yummy yum yum

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        09.15.09, 06:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        • am following up. this sounds delicious. the cast iron i have is coated in teflon (seriously)!! will this work???

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          11.04.09, 08:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • I just don't understand the stress about turkey.Unless it's blackened or raw, it's always good--if it's dry then hey--that's what all that nummy gravy of for. And there are so many distracting side dishes. Don't worry! In any case, Gourmet, Saveur, F&W always have turkey recipes in their November issue, so fear not. Cook's Illustrated is always good too.

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      09.16.09, 06:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
  • [-]What are people's experiences with mice? We just killed one and Im so upset! I know they are so unsanitary, but no one really wants to kill anything! Weve tried everything! Glue traps, snap traps, the little discs that they go into and it snaps closed. Ive heard of the noise makers that you plug in, but how could those work? Also, does having a cat really keep them away? We have a small baby and I am at my end! We live in a clean apt in a pretty pre-war walkup, HELP!

    53 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]
    11.01.09, 09:35 PM [ Flag ]
    • The ONLY thing that works is to search for any holes around the house and seal them (behind kitchen appliances, radiators, around washing machine, every possible place) We've had problems and used everything and that was really the only thing that worked. Trust me. We've also caught mice on glue traps and my husband took it to the park and set them free with oil.

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      11.01.09, 09:50 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • ugh its just so heart breaking to kill them. we saw it on our counter!! With out daughters bottle INCHES away. I went NUTS. we did steel wool in a few places, but still here. does a cat really work? im a dog person, not a fan of cats, but what else to do?!!

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        11.01.09, 09:58 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • Sure, and your folks took Skippy to live on a farm when he got old.

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        11.02.09, 05:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        • um...do you really think she'd make this up? Or that her DH would lie to her about it? Signed someone who really did once send her dog to live on a farm :)

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          11.02.09, 08:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
          • Yes. If you are going to use glue traps it is not because you want to catch and release. That is crueler than catch and slam with a rock. (Of course dogs (and cats) are different.)

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            11.02.09, 10:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • In Park Slope, I once set some mice free in front of a neighbor's house I didn't like.

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        11.02.09, 06:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        • Why didn't you like their house?

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          11.02.09, 08:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
          • vinyl siding. ugly front porch. a snarky attitude.

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            11.02.09, 08:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
          • ^^, who, grammer police, too bad you can't post in red ink around here. Self righteous, pompous a-hole who looked down his nose at renters in the neighborhood. I had a catch and release trap and took any mice I caught over to his house and let them go.

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            11.02.09, 10:05 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • We had a problem when they were doing work in our apt. They would come and go but it wasn't until dh found the hole that we ended the problem.

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      11.02.09, 04:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • same here, we tried bait and all kinds of traps. only thing that worked was sealing the holes. gl to you, I know how you feel. the few months that this problem lasted, I was a total basket case.

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        11.02.09, 04:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • Get a cat. We used to see occasional mice in our pre-war, but got at cat 2 years ago. The mice don't dare enter!!! Suggestion... go to a shelter and find a nice adult cat that's been declawed by the previous owner. Since you live in an apt and the cat will be an indoor cat with no natural predators, it will be fine and so will your baby!

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      11.02.09, 04:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • ^^^ BTW... it's not "politically correct" to declaw cats, so if the idea of adopting one appeals to you, just matter of factly point out that you live in an apt and kitty will be strictly an indoor cat. 'nuf said.

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        11.02.09, 04:59 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        • Declawing the cat is not the same thing as clipping their fingernails, it's the equivalent of cutting off one's fingers at the knuckle. I considered it when I adopted my cat, but opted against it after doing the research.

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          11.02.09, 06:05 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
          • well, you can't blame a homeless kitty for having no claws (I think it's nuts to declaw a cat, btw) but I don't understand how a cat without claws can even kill a mouse. eeeww.

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            11.02.09, 08:02 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
            • I declawed both of my cats when they were kittens. It was either that or the shelter would have killed them. I think they live a pretty darn nice life without their claws.

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              11.02.09, 08:19 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
            • Cats grab the prey with their jaws and whip it around to break the neck. No claws needed.

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              11.02.09, 08:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
            • Well, obviously if a previous owner declawed the cats, then the deed is done. I am saying that you don't need to declaw cats without at least giving them a shot at living with them.

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              11.02.09, 08:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
              • For us, it was either declaw the cats or they wouldn't get adopted by us (and therefore killed by the shelter). I think a pampered life without claws (no predators, clean and warm home, food and water aplenty without need for hunting and scavenging) would be preferable to no life at all.

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                11.02.09, 08:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • You should notlive with vermin in your house -Seal every hole with steel wool packed as tightly as you can, pay special attention to where pipes come in and behind cabinets, mice can slip through incredibly small holes. Set traps inside the house along baseboards - put peanut butter on the spring trigger, but trapping alone will not work as they reproduce so quickly. Noise makers are useless, glue traps are actually worse if you want a humane death - would you rather have your neck swiftly broken or would you rather die of starvation, exhaustion or asphixiation while you struggle in a vat of glue? well probably neither... but refer back to my original point

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      11.02.09, 05:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • Get a cat. Absolutely no reason to declaw it.

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      11.02.09, 06:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • We had this problem years ago in our old place. At one point DH caught 17 mice in glue traps in a week! THe problem was not resolved until we put out DCON. We didn;t have dcs at the time, so didn;t have to worry about anyone getting into the poison though. Can you go away for a week and do it? Live with grandparents? A friend? A hotel?

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      11.02.09, 06:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • i have no objection to animals running free, just not in my house. any animal caught in the house (uninvited) gets labeled as vermin, and there's a no trespassing under penalty of death invoked. i love cats and have one, but don't get one if you want a mouser - it may not be one, and if it is one, you may get mouse corpses in your bed for your troubles. just kill them and seal up the holes.

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      11.02.09, 06:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • We plugged up all our holes but then I think the mouse was stuck. Eventually we just put down a snap trap. In the end I couldn't bear the thought of a mouse dying a slow death on a glue trap or the reality of releasing a live mouse on the street.

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      11.02.09, 06:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • you're supposed to check the glue traps every day.

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        11.02.09, 07:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        • but then how do you kill the mouse?

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          11.02.09, 07:33 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
          • the mice die pretty fast from the struggle.

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            11.02.09, 07:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
            • erm...they used to use them at a restaurant I worked at (in the basement not the kitchen!) and the mice could live for ages pinned down in the glue. It was horrible. I could never use one.

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              11.02.09, 08:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
              • i don't want vermin in my house, so by any means necessary has become my motto.'

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                11.02.09, 08:05 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
                • I'm dealing with them right now too so I'm not judging--all of my Beatrix Potter instincts go out the window when I find poop on the counters--but I just couldn't do it personally. Whereas I have less issue with borrowing a cat to come in and savage them. Hypocritical and irrational, I know.

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                  11.02.09, 08:22 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • my cat keeps the mice at bay around our house....

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      11.02.09, 08:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • mine is too old to scare a mouse.

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        11.02.09, 08:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        • OR i have one of those too...luckily the other guy is still going strong but getting slower thats for sure..;)

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          11.02.09, 08:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
          • call an exterminator and have them seal up your apt. will cost about 2000 for a small 2 bedroom-- more and more if ur house is bigger. worth every penny. ask if they can guarantee their work for a year- if the prob comes back they reseal for free. some companies offer this. you cant do it nearly as well yourself and neither can your super if he's nice enough to offer.

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            11.02.09, 08:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
            • EXTERMINATORS: Complete waste of time and money. Our landlord sent exterminators (2 diff companies at different apartments) and they come, act all professional, set steel wool in possible holes, set glue and poison traps all over the house and leave. The mice are back in no time. The only way we got rid of them was to find the holes ourselves. Both times we had mice, there was construction work a few apts away.

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              11.02.09, 09:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
              • I 2nd this. Ours also set a few snap traps after we explicitly told him not too. One got caught in one and stunk for WEEKS before we figured out where the smell was coming from. He had set it under a radiator cover

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                11.02.09, 09:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • Just trap them in a corner with another person to help you out. Put it in a container =)) and pour hot water inside. Cats can help but I wouldn't count too much on it too coz sometimes the mouse can be too big

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      11.02.09, 09:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • Like people above said, you HAVE to find the holes....check along the base of your kitchen cabinets...get down and feel all along the base of them and look up where each cabinet meets (when you look inside a cabinet, where you see the 'wall' on the side that is where that cabinet ends.....look up and under at that spot, there may be a little hole that you can't see unless you feel for it. You have to seal all those up, plus make sure your outside doors don't have any gaps and also no gaps around radiator pipes. You'll know they are in your cabinets if you find mouse poop under your kitchen sink. They usually don't seal the walls before installing cabinets. In the kitchen you should make sure you seal off any exit from behind the cabin...

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      11.02.09, 09:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • ^^oh and as poster above said, dcon works but more will just keep coming. We finally had our apt sealed up sooo well that there were 6 mice trapped inside. They would hide during the day in closets or behind appliances and come out at night. We had to put long lines of glue traps at certain spots we knew they would cross and eventually caught them all. By this point I didn't give a crap about them suffering. Finding mouse shit in my dc's lunchbox one morning was the last straw for me.

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        11.02.09, 09:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • I once had a RAT problem in a country house (no not the Hamptons) and the only thing that worked in the end was poison. We put it under the sink where they were getting in. Since you have a DC, the second best thing would be a cat. I hate them personally, but our DD has become very attached to the one we have which is another benefit.

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      11.02.09, 10:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
  • [-]yesterday my dh was very distant and after I made and we ate dinner, he INSISTED on doing the dishes. prior to him insisting, he was holding our baby for about 10 mins since coming home and then passed her onto me saying 'have to walk the dog' then sat on the comp. I made a half serious comment about 'daddy gave you to me b/c hes going to do the dishes for mommy b/c she cooked' and then he freaked and insisted on doing them. He made a comment about 'he wishes I would do more around the house during the day.' I feel like my day is already so full of baby food,bottles, books, changing diapers, toys, moping, dusting, etc., AND trying to to my own work (dont have too too much, but some) I was horribly insulted. I really do try to keep up, but i...

    32 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]
    10.28.09, 09:32 AM [ Flag ]
    • The bigger question is what is going on with your dh outside the home? Did he get bad news at work? Affair? Friend/Family troubles? Sounds like he has his own problems and can not see a solution, so makes himself feel better by micro managing you.

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      10.28.09, 09:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • as far as I know, no troubles. Dh and I have great communication for the most part. I dont think he's micromanaging, think he was hoping for more of an 'Apron wearing, smiley, stepford wife' type and I am thrilled to stay home with our little one, but am by no means like that. (just to clarify, my mother is the 'martha stewart' type and I think its great, just not me. to each their own.) I seriously doubt he is venturing out with another woman or anything like that. Im not concerned with that. Just really feeling sub-par.

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        10.28.09, 09:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • Normal stress of dealing with an infant IME. Blow it off, both of you, and realize that the first year pp is really rough on a marriage. It gets better.

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      10.28.09, 09:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • I have told my dh (awhile ago) that my job is SAHM mom. I am not a SAH maid. My job is to take care of our dd. My dh understands this and our housework is 50/50 because the only thing important to both of us, is our dd. We both take turns watching dd while the other cooks or cleans, and yes this is after he works 8 hours. if I have to work 12 hours and he only has to work 8, the least he can do is help out.

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      10.28.09, 09:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • I don't get this. DH and I both WOHM but he works longer hours, so I do more house stuff. Why does it always have to be 50/50?

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        10.28.09, 09:46 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • THANK YOU! I am a stay at home mom, not a maid. If i have asome time when the baby is napping, I will do stuff, but I will not leave her just hang out so I can clean and such. Our daughter is my 'job' (the best 'job' ever) and I dont get a break at 3am when she wakes up for a bottle, or at 6am, or from 8am-6pm when its just us.

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        10.28.09, 09:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        • I know what you mean. when I was home for maternity leave I felt like the balance of power/equality in our home was way off, and I was expected to be the maid and Girl Friday for everything that needed to get done. DH was thrilled with that and I was super annoyed.

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          10.28.09, 09:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        • EXACTLY my point!!! I had to make it known to my dh so he understood that and it worked. I will not plop my dd in front of the TV so I can do the dishes. I never get a break and dd is very active so I prefer to be with her instead of leaving her alone all day to clean the house. It has always been 50/50 b/c he understands the importance of being with dd, not spending the whole day cleaning so he can come home and do nothing.

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          10.28.09, 09:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
          • You know how lucky you are that you established that long ago? My husband definitely has the mindset 'I work all day, I should be able to come home and relax' and I agree. But damnit I work all day too!! lol When is my time to relax?

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            10.28.09, 10:00 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
            • EXACTLY again. I told him that he works at a sit down job for 8 hours but I am on my feet for 12 hours. I worked longer and harder for no pay so I expect him to help out. Being equal actually creates a better environment for kids b/c mom isn't so busy all day she can't take care of them and they learn about how a marriage should be, compromising and teamwork. I always hope my dd will know better when she gets married and not marry someone who won't help take care of stuff. That's all part of life. No reason why he can't lift a finger to help.

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              10.28.09, 11:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
            • If you schedule your day properly, you'll relax after dinner with your husband, after the kids are put to bed.

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              10.28.09, 11:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
              • I WOHM and I do this. I don't expect DH to do chores when he walks in at 8 or 9pm. Don't get me wrong, there are days when I've had a bad or long day at the office and I veg, but most days I try to finish up my chores so we can relax together.

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                10.29.09, 06:15 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • I don't get it. He insisted on doing the dishes before or after you made the comment? DH usually walks the dog while I put DB to sleep, and if I'm done early I'll do the dishes and he's done early (because it's raining or whatever) he'll do them. You just have to take turns.

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      10.28.09, 09:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • after I made the comment

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        10.28.09, 09:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        • Well, I think he was reacting to the passive agressiveness. My DH is clueless. He'll do any household chore if asked, but it won't occur to him to do it himself. Do you think he would've exploded if you just asked him to do the wishes?

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          10.28.09, 09:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • you both need to chill. Talk this over at some time when it isn't confrontational. He was offended by your comment and then you were offended back. That's a lose-lose situation.

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      10.28.09, 09:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • Good advice.

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        10.28.09, 10:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • thank you. Some women oh here are so helpful and sweet, some are just looking to criticize and put down. We will talk it out. We always do when things come up, in the mean time, I was just frustrated. thanks ladies. :-D

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        10.28.09, 11:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • Moping or mopping? lol

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      10.28.09, 09:58 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • Tell your dh to be more careful of what he says next time coz you were insulted.

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      10.28.09, 10:13 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • First of all you both need to STOP "making comments," especially through your dd. You say you have good communication, but who are you really talking to? I agree with posters about your passive-aggressive behavior, maybe he found this "horribly" insulting. You made a p/a comment, he did the dishes (which is what you wanted), and then you are horribly insulted.... This could become a damaging cycle. You both need to sit down and talk to one another about communication, dividing household work, and expectations. And YOU need to step back and see how what you say and do instigates behavior in your husband.

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      10.28.09, 10:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • also you shouldn't have said "daddy gave you to me b/c he's going to do the dishes for mommy bc she cooked"...if your hubby came home and talked to the baby saying "mommy is washing the dishes because daddy earned the paycheck today" im sure you would be pretty pissed. -*

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      10.29.09, 02:58 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • Hey I agree that both your hubby and you are working full-time, however, if baby is taking a long nap, i am not going to just leave the pile of dishes there just to make sure things stay exactly '50/50'; I am just going to do them because I had the time. What matters more to me is that both of us are trying to make things easier for the other person, not that we are keeping exact score.

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      10.29.09, 03:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • A-men! I posted above. DH works longer hours than me and our housework is not 50/50, which is fine. I come home, play with DB, put him to bed. I then will clean/cook/do laundry. When DH is home after working those long hours, we sit and have dinner and chill together.

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        10.29.09, 06:05 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]

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