[-]First time ever that we are getting a christmas tree. What is the best way to put on the lights? Do you start from top to bottom or vice versa, and do you weave it in and out of the branches? Also, is the tree skirt supposed to come up all the way, covering the tree stand?
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[-]Need help trying to find a low cost 1/2 camp in nyc (preferably uws) for 4 yo ds - would love some sort of swim- any suggestions?
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[-]What is the right etiquette here: A friend/acquaintence recently lost a baby at birth. The baby was full term, delivered and died of complications a day later. Is it right to send condolence card/flowers right away; wait a bit and send a basket of some sort with a thinking of you type of card; or don't do anything.
10 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]Send something with a card asking her to contact you if there is anything she needs.
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Send something now and send something later. Whatever you do, DO NOT ask her if there is anything she needs. Those are empty words. Just do something for her. Make food. Order a cleaning service, something. Now I would send a card and gift...later, in a month or so, would make a gesture like food/cleaning.
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[-]this supposed speyer/hunter "rivalry" only exists on this board. i have never ever heard a single hunter parent mention speyer. it is a non-issue. just for the record.
46 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]You must not be friends with the "chess parent" who crashed the PTA meeting last June or the president of the PTA who campaigned on the "Speyer issue". I agree it's a small group, but they were very vocal if I managed to hear their craziness.
[ Reply | Options ]the chess parent was understandably upset about the behavior of two particular hces families. some of that behavior had to do with speyer. nobody is threatened by speyer in and of itself. it is not viewed as some sort of challenge to hunter's "superiority," which is how the so-called rivalry is often framed here.
[ Reply | Options ]No, there was no "understandable" reason for lying to the parent body and breaking the PTA rules to seize the floor. Let's not rehash.
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nothing, just suggesting it was a better way to proceed than posting someone's name.
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there is a person on here who posts frequently about speyer. this person seems to be on daily, sticking up for speyer and getting defensive if anyone criticizes it. this same person also vociferously defends the actions of the two hces mothers who were rightfully called out at that pta meeting. one of those mothers outed herself on this board recently by mentioning what she does for a living. i suspect you are that mother.
[ Reply | Options ]not true. i actually visited the principal about the whole issue, but not because of the two families involved, and I know many people who think it was a disgrace, but outside dinner parties, I think this is the only place it likely gets discussed. I note that you were the first to re-post the attack on them above, so you obviously still feel strongly about the issue.
[ Reply | Options ]you call it an "attack." i think it was a legitimate concern among a significant number of parents. and now i really do know who you are--you're the dad who came out in defense of them to the principal. rest assured there were many, many more parents who went to the principal from the other side.
[ Reply | Options ]no. it's a small school, though. and from the other side of the discussion, don't you think it makes the school look bad if parents--not you, but the other two parents you know i'm discussing--try to exert undue financial influence on the school and its teachers? do you think it's appropriate for these parents to be this divisive to the community? it seems like your indignation is misplaced, imho.
[ Reply | Options ]it's too bad we can't talk in person, it seems you have a lot of information about this issue that most would not have. I'm interested to know what you think the two moms did that was so wrong. At least one of them served on the board of the PTA and seemed to have made a lot of contributions to the school, no?
[ Reply | Options ]I am only acquainted with one of the families (don't know them well) but have never seen them try to exert financial influence, but I may be missing something. As for influencing teachers with their money, can't imagine how that could happen. Examples? The other family seems like possibly the wealthiest family in the school, just from a hearsay perspective, but I don't know any facts about them.
[ Reply | Options ]Seriously, do you have any facts, because exerting financial influence was not what they were accused of. They were publicly accused of trying to poach a K teacher from Hunter to teach at the new Speyer school. That turned out to be false. I just don't know "the other side of the discussion".
[ Reply | Options ]as far as exerting financial influence--you're right, that was not discussed at the pta meeting. that came out later as i talked to other parents about what had happened at that meeting. i do feel that one of the families is trying to use its power to push its own agenda at the school. that is what i am personally upset about. the speyer stuff doesn't bother me that much.
[ Reply | Options ]don't know if it's bad for the kids or not. not even sure what their agenda is, exactly. the point is more that they are able to get what they want because they donate a huge amount of $$ to the school--more than the rest of us could ever dream of. i think that is the antithesis of what a public school is supposed to be.
[ Reply | Options ]I guess my perspective is that, however tacky the offer, the principal chose to accept it. Bad judgment, but let's move on. As for giving big $$ to the public school, Hunter depends for its very life on that parent funding. Can you imagine what our kids would have without it? How do you know they gave big $$? How would one find that out?
[ Reply | Options ]i'm going to have to get back to RL now but will continue to watch this post if you would like to continue our conversation later on. for now, my issue with planegate is this: 1. it is completely against hunter college ethics rules for a school employee to accept an extravagant gift (as this was). 2. the principal has never come clean about it. i think it was just an error in judgment too, but he has pooh-poohed all parent requests for an explanation of what happened. he refuses to address it. 3. by offering the private plane ride the parents got 4 uninterrupted hours of the principal's attention. i can't even get the guy to answer the occasional email. makes it seem as if the principal can be bought.
[ Reply | Options ]as for parent funding--actually, hces should rely on public funding, as it is a public school. obviously it doesn't get all the funding it needs. so i'm not averse to parents chipping in, but i think it should be very transparent who is giving what, and i think there should be no strings attached to any gift. i don't know if there were. but how would we? there's no transparency. finally, to find out funding, i believe you could ask the pta treasurers for annual fund info. again, it's unclear who gave the anonymous gift i am talking about. but considering the financial situation of most of the parents there, it seems likely it was the family in question.
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[-]Does anyone else's child NOT have playdates? I woh f/t and have 2 dcs. weekends tend to be family time and if we do playdates it's with friends that dh and i want to catch up with. My younger dc who is in preschool is begging for playdates which is just hard - have an after school babysitter but also older dc would have to tag along...and I don't know when else to fit this in but i feel guilty. Someone tell me I am not the only one.
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I think play dates are important for developing more intimate relationships and a chance to socialize one-on-one.
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I work until 1 or 2 and then pick kids up at school and either have a friend dropped off with me or drop one of mine off- or have other parent pick up mine and hers and then go pick up at about 5.
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I don't think you have anything to worry about. They get lots of socialization at school. I was in a similar situation as you and my kids who are now a bit older are social and form great friendships.
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when I was a kid i just played with my brothers. Now have an only child now and i thought that daycare (before she was in school), then school and now that she is older, after school activities she had plenty of social interaction. i guess you need to do playdates if you dont get out of the house much. certainly play & solcial interaction is important; glad i never had to run my schedule around setting up play appointments though.
[ Reply | Options ]not to make too big a deal out of this, but an arranged playtime with a special friend is different from "social interaction" with random dcs you meet out and about or in the context of some other activity, like afterschool. in this day and age, setting up play appointments is sort of part of the deal of being a parent.
[ Reply | Options ]agree. but i think it can get out of hand when a child's every day is scheduled with playdates and not just "play". not to flame, but i think a lot of playdates are sought in an effort for the mother to gain access to certain social circles, not necessarily who the child would choose for their date. My point is that too much importance can be placed on the playdate. It can seem like there is a competition for certain friendships.
[ Reply | Options ]I don't do playdates because I think it is more important for my children to bond with each other than any other children. I have a 7yo boy and 5yo girl. They play with others randomly at the playground but at home, it has been lovely watching their play develop from bickering to setting up a store to inventing games and building forts in the living room. They both beg for playdates, they get them at birthday parties and a few times a month. School and school events give them more time with peers. They are both very social and leaders in their classes. I've forced them to deal effectively with difficult differences and it shows in their interactions with friends of all ages. I value the relationship my kids have with each other above f...
[ Reply | Options ]But don't you think seeing little friends is important as well, but in a different way? I know a lot of families who feel as you do and it just seems like something is missing from the kids' lives...even if they do get along well. It kind of is a normal thing to have non family playmates, isn't it? I would see it as enriching the sibling relationship, to have other personalities and experiences. I know I need to interact with a variety of different people.
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isn't younger dc out of preschool before older dc is out of school? or could nanny arrange dropoff playdates for older dc and take younger one on playdates herself? make this the nanny's problem. also, i think it's a little selfish of you to make your weekend socializing all about you and dh.
[ Reply | Options ]while i don't think that playdates are the end all be all, i also think that it is a legitimate request from your dc. clearly he or she really wants to spend some more time with preschool friends. I think that once a week your sitter can handle a playdate. Most preschool kids either have a babysitter or a SAHM who can bring the kid to your house and your older dc can either go home with a friend sometimes or bring a friend over sometimes. I can't udnerstand why this is so hard.
[ Reply | Options ]i am in similar situation. Have found it works well with other siblings (eg. sets of kids the same age). Also, many people in NY have babysitters, so email moms and ask if your babysitter can arrange a playdate with theirs. Host first, then most will not mind your other dc tagging along if your babysitter has them under control. Or, try to sign older DC up for a drop off program and do playdates with the younger one around then.
[ Reply | Options ]I don't understand the problem. I have a preschooler and an elementary school aged child. I WOH f/t and have a baby sitter with the kids in the afternoon. They both have plenty of play dates. My older child's play dates are drop off, so she goes home with a friend or the friend comes home with her and our baby sitter. With the younger child, the baby sitters both stay. If it doesn't work out that older child is at someone else's house when younger child has a play date, older child comes or they all play at our apartment. Both of my kids have always played with one another's friends.
[ Reply | Options ]MY Step DD who is 8 doesn't have playdates. Her mother works and she goes into after care after school. I feel it has really hurt her socially. She has no close friends, does not get invited to parties etc...
[ Reply | Options ]i good nanny should set up these playdates for you--i think more than needing it, preschoolers like having playdates. or you could always arrange them yourself and then send your sitter or host them at your house. i dont think being a wohm is a good excuse and most of these responses sound self righteous. are playdates critical, no, but kids enjoy them and it's good for them.
[ Reply | Options ]i think you've got to do the playdates. i work f/t too (and so does dh), so i understand where you are coming from. we just try to make playdates as easy as possible, and usually do them with other woh parents (most of the parents i know work full time). we'll take turns dropping off for a weekend afternoon, take another kid along to the zoo or museum, whatever. also, do you live in an apartment? if there are kids in your building that you could help dc connect with it is SO much easier. our ds plays with other kids from the building everyday.
[ Reply | Options ]My DC rarely have playdates. DH is a SAHD, which makes the whole thing a little difficult. (I wonder how many of the ladies going on above about how essential playdates are would actually schedule one with their DC's BFF if he/she had a SAHD.) I'm not all that concerned about it. They play a lot with each other (they're less than 2 years apart), have cousins close in age that they play with one-on-one, play with friends on the playground after school and a lot of stuff like that.
[ Reply | Options ]I view playdates as part of life - I like opening up my home to friends and I expect DCs do as well. You can manage it if you work, just a different schedule. Friends are part of life especially for children. I think it is important to learn how to be a good host and to deal with different people outside the family.
[ Reply | Options ]I was you last year, and now I accept invitations and then reciprocate, but I don't seek them out. I have to say it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be to get into the rotation and reciprocate, I leave work a little early or work from home that day and finish early, then pick them both up and take them somewhere or bring them home. I do this about once a month and it is manageable, and I do see that ds is learning something from it, how to be a good host, have a friend one on one, do what someone else wants to do, offer a snack, etc. He is in aftercare and that is very social too, the kids there have lots of friends- it is a different kind of socializing though.
[ Reply | Options ]Do what's right for you family but playdates one-on-one are different then just being at school and are important for social development and conflict resolution. Of course if they have a sibling and parents they are probably getting that at home on the weekends anyway! But I'd try to get one in every now and then.
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[-]I don't want to hijack another post so I am starting a new thread. Why do women think it is okay to say ugly things about short men? Automatically assuming that a short man is unattractive or has a napoleon complex. A man would be considered a sexist jerk if he made the sort of nasty comments about heavy women or flat chested women that so many women say about short men. I don't get why this is okay. Wife of a wonderful short man.
21 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]OP here - and please don't say that it's because short men have a napoleon complex or are egotistical. I have known plenty of tall men who are arrogant or jerks, but for some reason it is okay for them to be that way.
[ Reply | Options ]I'm a dh. I have two good friends. One is very short, the other very tall. The short one is a great guy. Nice, sweet, funny all the things women say they want. (If I had a sister, I'd be happy if she married him.) The tall guy is charming but so obviously not a good mate. We would go out and the short friend would do all the leg work. He would befriend one girl, introduce us to the group, etc. And then go home alone with several phone numbers of "new friends." The tall guy, never without a "date."
[ Reply | Options ]Love short men--always have. That said, I never wanted to date anyone who weighed less than me.
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IMHO people place to much importance on outer appearances. My dh isn't technically short but he's not tall either. I love him despite his size and whenever he says he's short (I'm shorter but bout 3 inches) I tell him "You are not short, you're custom made for me."
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OP - my point is not whether you think short men are attractive. My question is why do some women think it is okay to say nasty things about short men? The kind of shallow comments that women would think were sexist if men were making them about women the men found unattractive.
[ Reply | Options ]It's OK for women to trash short men because that's how men feel feel about short men. Being insecure about height is THE dirty secret men never reveal. Most men would rather be 2 inches taller than have a cock that's 2 inches longer. Height is the first thing men notice about other men. It doesn't matter how successful/good-looking/rich/famous another man is, if you're taller than he is, you win.
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[-]Am I the only one here who went to HM as a kid and loved it? I was really hurt they did not take my DC for nursery. I thought HM was a terrific school. I met plenty of snotty kids, but also some very nice ones.
29 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]I loved the education and my friends, but not the general social scene. We have a toddler -- interesting to hear about a legacy getting dinged. Ouch. I guess it's because over the past few years they've had no room for anyone but sibs and legacies, so they changed the policy.
[ Reply | Options ]the few adults I know well that went there all have no interest in sending their dcs there. When I was considering applying for dc they let me know they would think twice about it
[ Reply | Options ]Thanks so much for your post! Am a bit surprised that they wouldn't take a multiple legacy. Did your child have a bad playdate? Did they give you any feedback? We're currently applying and it's our FC. Our DC did not have a terrific playdate but I think was within the confines of normal behavior for a 2 year old. Just have no idea what they are looking for at these playdates. Where did your child ultimately end up? Once again, many thanks for your input.
[ Reply | Options ]I think he was ok at the playdate but not stellar. He didn't follow some directions and he tried a little too hard to get attention (put his face in the director's face and made a silly face). Our interview we felt like she was probing to find out if we had a trust fund or something - it was weird. He ended up at Heschel, which is a nice school.
[ Reply | Options ]np: I think for HM to try to maintain its "toughest most competetive academic environment in nyc" reputation, they can't afford to simply accept sibs and legacies that they believe aren't going to cut it. i think though that they should handle it better, maybe encourage you to reconsider an application at K when they might have a slightly better feel for your dc.
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HEy, you know what? I think you (and more importantly, your son) are far better off! I wasn't overly impressed with HM....
[ Reply | Options ]I went to HM as a kid (started in 7th though) and I wouldn't say that I loved it although my best friends in the world are still from there. A ton of my friends came through from nursery and they did love it. I find that when you start a school from nursery - 12 that you become much more indoctrinated by the school then when you come later. But it was a GREAT education and unbelievable network to this day. All my friends who went there send their kids there. My one friend who's kids didn't get in were also a 4x legacy. Shocked us all.
[ Reply | Options ]We are in same boat: my DH and sibs went to HM, plus we were/are well-connected (with family members spending time on the financial board many years ago). Didn't get in last year. However, to be fair, we haven't really be active alums. We just lost track. If we really really want it, we would have to become more involved.
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[-]Simple computer question: Does anyone know how to make a mailing list where the people don't get to see the addresses. It looks like it's just sent to your own name or something? I need to make a large list and I don't want the list to show. Basic I know. Plse help.
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[-]I am very sad that educators these days don't seem equipped to handle boys, particularly ones who are younger than their peers. Why else would we see such a large redshirting trend in schools? Do you agree?
21 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]I could go on forever, but I'll start with the fact that teachers today are (for the most part) not the same "quality" as those of yesterday. Before women gained equal access to the work force - the smart, driven ones had few career choices (nurse, librarian, teacher...). So, we had some really wonderful, smart excited teachers. They also tended to stay in the field and as they became moms, they became even better teachers. Today, most are young, don't have children, are not driven (yes, there are exceptions) and don't last very long in the field. It has made a big difference in the quality of education...
[ Reply | Options ]Second, throughout history whenever the US has "feared" that another country was going to gain the advantage - we have ramped up the academic work (in school and homework). At this point in time, practically everyone is afraid of "the new world" and how unequipped our children are compared to (supply X country name). That fear drives the insanity of piling on academic pursuits for 4 and 5 year olds. This pressue affects boys most. What can we do? Parents blame teachers, teachers blame parents, administrators blame testing and so on. We need to stop blaming and work together to give our children their childhood back. To udnerstand boys and girls are different (gasp) and to get back on track with education --- BUT we all need to unders...
[ Reply | Options ]BUT we all need to understand that the public school system was desinged to produce factory workers - and it is hard to change that system. If someone who lived 100 years ago, suddenly popped back in - the ONLY thing they would recognize is life in public school. Thought for the day.
[ Reply | Options ]That's ridiculous. If someone from 100 years ago was popped into a public school they wouldn't recoginize computers, they wouldn't know they needed a special room for science, music, art, or any other cluster rooms. They wouldn't understand test prep. They wouldn't know what 1/2 the school holidays were.
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I think you are romanticizing a bit. There simply wasn't the level of parental observation in the past.
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I agree that schools are failing boys. Have you read "The Trouble with Boys" my Meg Tyre. I recommend it to all parents. Disagree that it is the cause of redshirting. I think redshirting is a snowball, parents feel they have to redshirt their son 2 wks older than the cutoff day so he won't be the youngest. The next year parents of boys 1 month older than cutoff don't want him to be the youngest, the next year its 6 weeks, etc. In that regard NYC publics have the right idea by having a hard deadline (weather Dec 31 is the right date is another topic).
[ Reply | Options ]I redshirted my ds because in the majority of the U.S. he would not have been eligible to attend Kindergarten. Only a few states have cut-offs as late as ours (Dec. 31st.) If we moved, or when he goes to college, he would be over a year younger than a lot of kids.
[ Reply | Options ]I redshirted my ds for that reason and the fact that he was not socially ready for the rigors of NYC public school. Had I sent him, the parents of the girls would have been screaming that my son needed to be kicked out and sent to special ed because he was interferring with their childs education.
[ Reply | Options ]np: You guys say this as if you know it to be true. My ds also has a late birthday. We followed the school schedule and while he is one of the youngest in his class, he is doing great.
[ Reply | Options ]Yes, I say it as if I know it to be true because it IS true. Your child was ready. My child was not. Is that really impossible for you to accept?
[ Reply | Options ]I have to agree with this our school has a bs hys ed class in a classroom, jewlery making ( bedazzling) as a cluster for my son and no sports whatsoever (including afterschool which you pay for), must not disturb class by moving too much - and the school is one of the top in the State academically - my sone is doing great academically, but he comes home bouncing off the walls - we take him to our own sports but the school system is an efeminizing experience for boys.
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Agree 100%. And if the school system continues to fail them, their MAMAS better stand up and say enough is enough. Stop the insanity of evauluating, dx and medicating or therapying (yes I know it isn't a word) perfectly normal little boys. Ladies, these boys are going to grow up to be the spouses of your daugthers.
[ Reply | Options ]I agree and I have a DD, I think it is insane to redshirt so much and to assume the boys are so behind the girls. I think they are missing out on the fact that a diversity of learning styles and intellectual capabilities are part of education as well. To have so many older children in the class is weird from a developmental standpoint, what is the point of grades then? Then again, I have a young DD - did not keep her behind -- and an active one, so I sympathize with the moms of boys sometimes. I really dislike this labeling of such young children.
[ Reply | Options ]i disagree that that's the reason for redshirting. and my proof is that i send ds to a same sex boy's school and there's still red-shirting. so it's not a question of being equipped to handle boys. i think it's an issue that boys are slower to mature adn the schools don't want to handle it and they've convinced the parents that it's beneficial for dcs to be the oldest.
[ Reply | Options ]I think it there are two trends that converge to product this. 1) schools aren't doing their jobs. They want their jobs to be easy and they don't want to deal with the natural spectrum of total normal ability and maturity and 2) there is a growing industry related to diagnosing "issues" among children, whether its therapy for "sensory disorders" or prescription drugs. Hence, the tendency to make normal behavior either cause for being held back or diagnosing a problem.
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[-]i just washed/dryed my daughter's new winter coat without checking the pockets. She has a lip balm in there and now the coat has many, many oil spots. any ideas about how to get them out?
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[-]Any of you have favorite educational toys or puzzles for a 2 year old boy? Right now, we are veering into an obsession with Thomas the Train... Would like to find other fun things that will help him developmentally. Some toys I have bought in the past sit untouched.
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