[-]in such a bind. married a wonderful man i respect greatly but had zero sexual attraction for. been together 10 years. i was screwed up at the time (eating disorders, family trauma, etc) and didnt realize it but NOW i see i made a bargain - emotional security for sex. i have never been happy sexually in our marriage or before. recently met a man thru work that i am madly wildly passionate for and started an affair (flamers field day!) and i have asked my husand for a sep. he is fighting tooth and nail. wants our marriage to work. i feel i am in love with another man and soooooo torn. we have 2 kids. some will say i am selfish. others will say no one wants a martyr for a mother. any experience ub-ers?
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hmm, i dont think of it that simply but have passion, sexual desire, sensual experiences with my partner are important to me. these are things i have forsaken in my life til now. i am 37 and just realizing that sexuality is extremely important."sex" isnt just a tiny compartment of life.
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Catholics have to go to pre-marriage counseling before we get married, it's called pre-cana. And I still remember the Priest talking to us. He said, " I always tell couples, you will meet the person you should have married after you are already married. Marriage is a choice you make each day when you wake up." If you are done making the choice to be married, I don't think its really fair that you stay with your lover. You owe it to yourself, kids, and husband actually, to separate, and get your act together, before diving in with the new guy. Sex does not last.
[ Reply | Options ]hmm, so interesting what your priest says. do you meet the man you should have married as a test to your commitment to marriage? i feel like i committed to my marriage because i didnt know what else to do.
[ Reply | Options ]I thought it was really great advice. I took it that marriage is hard work. You have to do the work every day. And of course, anyone who has dated someone for 3 years knows it gets old, and boring, and its tempting to look around. Do you do the work, or throw in the towel. To OP, I would say, I find your husband attractive that he was a loyal, loving husband and father for 10 years, much more attractive to me than your lover who would break up a family. I really do. I have a number of single girlfriends I would like to set your soon to be ex-husband up with after you have left him. He soudns like an honrable guy.
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I find it amazing that you found a man whom you respect, who was willing to go through all your screwed up stuff, and be the father to your children and is willing to fight for you tooth and nail that you don't value him and your family enough to find a way to improve your sex life with him. HOnestly, Ithink he is the martyr in this situation - I think you would be foolish to throw all this away and will probably really regret it. It sounds like you have a long pattern of self-destructive behavior and this affair is part of it. Affairs are self-destructive - and destructive of others. Is the affair all about sex or is there more to it?
[ Reply | Options ]much more to it. he is emotionally present, we get along very well, "get" each other, both have walked through really difficult stuff. by martyr, i meant being in a sexless, safe marriage because i "owe" it to him, rather than having the courage to creatie the life & love i want? also - i have taken my husband to sex therpay several times. he wasnt willing to look at himself. it;s always ME that is the problem.
[ Reply | Options ]more from OP, i value my family and kids tremendously but i am not so attached to the hallmark picture of a nuclear family to suppress all of my desires to maintain that picture. sounds like a recipe for divorce once the kids go to college. my therapist says i have re-created the incest of my childhood by having 10 years of sex that i d idnt want to have. literally, REPULSED by my husband's body. but always made it MY FAULT for thinking that. maybe we dont have "chemistry". can you conjure chemistry?
[ Reply | Options ]more from OP - trust me, i am terrified of making a decision i will regret. i couldnt live with that... so i am doing tons and tons of work on myself and the marriage to see what can be improved. including 86'ing the affair.
[ Reply | Options ]it really doesn't matter how physically unattracted you are to your husband, that's no excuse for hurting him in this way. and it doesn't matter how dysfunctional your family/childhood was, you are a grown woman responsible for your own actions and your actions are inexcusable. if you were terminally unhappy with your marriage, you should have ended it before you moved onto another intimate relationship. can you imagine your two children someday trying to blame their adult problems on the fact that their mother was a damaged, selfish, addictive personality who broke up their family and destroyed their father all because she cared more about her sex life with a boyfriend than her marriage and family? doesn't sound like a pattern you should b...
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np-can you read in your post that you are blaming someone and assuming THEY must have something wrong with them ("can you conjure chemistry"?) This is a pattern. it's NOT everyone else's fault. You need to take a step back and stop acting like an 18 yr old school girl.
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np-your frame is all wrong. you dont stay in a marriage because you owe it to them. you stay in because of all of hte blessings that you have and because you YOURSELF made a commitment to be married. you need to stop thinking about what you dont have and start thinking about what you value. do you value truthfulness? honesty? doing what you said you would do? therapy isnt about the other person's problems. it's about our OWN. what is it inside of you that thinks you should be so callous with these tremendous blessings?
[ Reply | Options ]i havent been callous. i have been completely devoted and focused ENTIRELY on what a wonderful man he is for 10 years. i have only looked at my own deficiencies and blocks. (see my postings above). i do feel incredibly blessed. i think because of my sexual trauma and abuse though, i chose a man based on that framework. not from a healthy confident place. so, do you believe in the "you've made your bed now lie in it" way of approaching life? do you believe people who stay in sexless repressed marriages benefit their children? i grew up in a sexless home and that is why i had NO IDEA about sexuality in life and married someone who repulsed me physically.
[ Reply | Options ]look. i'm sure that you and your therapist have discussed this a good deal. but the tone of your email is "i" this and "i" that. it's all about you. which is a framework for life you get to have before YOU choose the responsibility of creating a family. then it doesnt get to be "i" "i". once YOU make that choice, whoever you were when you made it, then your frame needs to shift. otherwise, yes, you are callous and self absorbed. period.
[ Reply | Options ]i have put my husband's feeling before mine for the last 10 years. he was so afraid of losing me he didnt want me to go to rehab because he was afraid i would "get well" and leave him, was afraid if me going on a retreat because it sounds risque to him and thereatened him, my post sounds all I I I because YES it finally is about me. most of my life has been about people pleasing for survival, my family, now my husband. it sounds like YOUR framework for life is VERY punitive. no one can change their mind. no one can make mistakes.
[ Reply | Options ]Oh OP, best of luck to you, Sex isn't everything but it is a very important,vital energy. It sounds like you need to have a realized sexual existence. If it isn't with your husband, you'll need to suffer that loss. I'm truly sorry.
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it sounds to me like you've had way too much therapy if you ask me. i have experience with your type in my own dysfunctional family. you've had so much therapy that you know all the lingo (so you, therefore, "know it all" and are pretty much beyond help at this point). and, because you are so well-versed in all this psycho-babble, you have gotten to the point where you see everyone's deficiencies but your own. if you had only stayed faithful, this whole story would read much differently. but your infidelity, in my opinion, is unconscionable.
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NP: You are clearly very mad at your husband. I am not shrink, bt I would guess you are deflecting, or trying t make yourself mad at him so he's easier to leave?? Also, you talk so much about hte importance of sexuality in life.. it's odd to me. I just don't see it as important. Maybe 5% of our marriage is sexuality, 25% humor, etc..
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why ? because she is saying that you just have to stick out your commitments even though it is a daily inner torture? because he is a good man? because sex "isnt everything"? never said it was "everything" but ANY marraige counselor will say that physical attraction and chemistry is a MUST. unless BOTH partners do not value sexual vitality.
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The point at which you were most selfish is when you married him - not now (yes, yes, I know you had issues). Does he know that you actually find him repulsive and he's OK with that? If he is, what about an open marriage?
[ Reply | Options ]trust me - i know that is when i was most selfish and it is a testament to how little i trusted myself and my instincts. i had a teeny tiny voice saying he wasnt the one but i didnt trust myself as i had made so many bad decisions. i have told him t hat i never truly chose to have a SEXUAL relationship with him. that i have always done it to please him, never myself. he knows this now.. and is accepting it. and now that we are FINALLY being honest with each other we are looking at how we can COMPLETELY re-boot our sex life. reading books... looking at more spiritual appraoches to sex
[ Reply | Options ]Oh my goodness. How could you say this to him? I'm siging off this post, because it is so upsetting. I feel for your DH. If my DH told me he only had sex w me to please me, not himself, I would be heartbroken. If you hate him so much, please do leave him. Let him find a loving wife who will be there through thick and thin. There are many more single women out there.
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You did your husband a great disservice by marrying him when you felt no attraction at all towards him. It was selfish and you basically used him for security. You did a greater disservice by having two children with this husband that you felt repulsed by. And now you want to dump them all because you want a better life? You do not sound worthy of your husband or children and I hope he gets them in a custody battle, because he is better suited to be a responsible parent. I'm sorry you had an early trauma, but does that give you license to do what you will do to three people? I say NO. You've made your decisions, now honor up to them.
[ Reply | Options ]I feel like this could have been written by a man, and he would be ripped to shreds on this board.
[ Reply | Options ]You've missed the point; most here do not approve or respect what she has done and the kids and dh are the innocent victims. OP needs to own up to responsibility and not cause pain to family. OP is an adolescent mentality with a fantasy life when she has dc who need her to be an adult.
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sexual attraction is NOT a good thing to base a relationship on. Respect and trust come in MUCH more handy. Don't know about you, but any man I was ever really attracted to and had great sex with was not someone whom I trusted or respected very much. I would advise you to work on your sex life with your dh. Take it as a challenge, you never know!! Think of all the pain and suffering you will cause the way you're going
[ Reply | Options ]my mother broke up a stable (though there were problems) family for a man she was into sexually (though that of course didn't last, it never does). I have sympathy for her, but after years of analysis therapy and bad behavior on my part, but only after that and a lot of grief, I have trained myself to make better choices than her. But it was very very hard, and I wish I had had better models.
[ Reply | Options ]Lone dissenter here. You get one life. If you and your husband are not happy together, you don't need to stay out of some type of obligation. Separate.
[ Reply | Options ]not alone - the most selfish part was marrying him in the first place (though from some of OPs posts, if looks like dh was looking for someone who was easy to control) - that's done and shouldn't necessarily be perpetuated. If they can't ignite the fire or agree to let the fire be ignited elsewhere, then enough.
[ Reply | Options ]I just don't think divorce is the worst thing ever. Even if we disagree with every choice she made in the past, she is here now, and basically can get a divorce and pursue happiness. JMO.
[ Reply | Options ]NP: Do you seriously think she'll find happiness with this other guy? (And let's be honest, the other guy is the reason she's contemplating leaving, not some great personal epiphany like she's trying to paint it above.) I feel like we'll just see another thread from her a few years down the road with lots of ALL CAPS talking about everything that's wrong with guy #2 and it's not really her fault because it was her first bad marriage that made her make this mistake in her second marriage and . . .
[ Reply | Options ]A lot of times guy #2 IS a device to get out of the situation. It is called Triangulation and does not mean that she has to be with him. Her ultimate happiness clearly does not lie with her husband, and both of them need a chance at a REAL marriage, whether or not he realizes it yet.
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Dh is willing to fight tooth and nail but is not willing to work on making himself more attractive? That doesn't seem to jibe.
[ Reply | Options ]is your lover going to weave into what would be your new life as a single mother with two dc, or are you going to give custody to ex-dh? it's not like you're single w/o kids and can flop in bed whenever you want. is lover going to fit into any kind of life with whatever custody arrangments would be made? think about that.
[ Reply | Options ]np: I'll join in with the lone dissenter above and say that if you feel the marriage is beyond repair, then leave. Divorce isn't the end of everything, and if you can find a way to build a happier life, then I say go for it. Yes, you took vows but every once in a while, life goes askew, and as the poster wrote above, you only have one life to live. Go out and live it.
[ Reply | Options ]tritto regarding having one life to lead. But remember, things in our head don't always translate so neatly into real life, i.e. the sexy boyfriend and happily ever after. Also, let's be fair: any guy that is fighting tooth and nail to stay in a miserable situation has some serious co-dependency issues of his own.
[ Reply | Options ]OR from above: yes, there is no doubt that the boyfriend in the wings has been idealized, but objectively, it does seem like she feels that her marriage is beyond repair. And like it or not, sometimes marriage is. (And nope, I'm not divorced - married 8 yrs...and I know you're agreeing w/me, so I'm directing this at other posters, not you :) I think what someone suggested above is probably best: leave husband AND boyfriend. Figure herself out first.
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I think you should think about your kids first. What effect will your split have on them? They are going to learn that you cheated on their dad. They will probably learn that their dad desperately tried to save your marriage. The other man is going to be gone in a matter of time, and if you think you feel unhappy and unfulfilled now, just think about how you're going to feel as a single mom. You're enjoying the passion and excitement now, but it's just temporary. I have seen this happen so many times. Odds are so stacked against you--this thing with the other guy is not going to work out, and you are going to be alone, and your kids' lives are going to suffer for your bad judgment. Try to look at this like a grownup and make things work wit...
[ Reply | Options ]eventually you'll lose the passion for new guy, it will become a intense friendship with the same 'emotional security' (or maybe not even that)...and then you'll miss the old father of your kids. just screw around with new guy a few times to get it out of your system during the separation, realize he has a ugly dick, and then go back to old guy with a new appreciation for him.
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[-]Need help. Please tell me how you have dealt with a medical condition where there is uncertainty? I get so anxious to the point of panic attacks. I am trying so hard to deal with things like this better. on meds, go to therapy but still a battle. I am currently going through a condition and doctors are still investigating and I am very very upset - please give me some words of wisdom
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[-]I have a silk dress that is wrinkled - what do I do? the cleaners wont help as it will go in a suitcase on a trip...
3 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]well, for now, either get it steamed or do the showrer thing (if your shower has a built in "steam" feature with floor to cieling glass walls, that works best). to pack, rather than folding it or laying it flat - take some other clothing items that can be wrinkled - undeshirts, tshirts, sweaters, jeans, tights, etc, and roll them into a "tube" shape, and then pack your silk dress wrapped around the outside of those! I do that all the time on long trips (transatlantic) and it works like a charm.
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[-]Please comment on the dinner menu below-- need some help: firstcrudite, stuffed mushrooms. appetizer 2. mini chicken wellingtons 3. main- french roast with balsamic reduction, chimmichurri grilled chicken, side: spinach salad either w pear dressing and pears/apples or with grapefruit dressing, grapefruit and cranberries, brown rice w carmelized shallots, baked acorn squash 4. dessetr tbd. i apreciate your help
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really? u think it's ok? i know im over thinking it but just want to make sure it all works. which salad would you prefer? any thoughts on different sides to make in place of what i have? tx so much
[ Reply | Options ]It really sounds delish. My personal preference would be the pear dressing. those carmelized shallots sound great. not sure how much time you have but this cake from epicurious looks dynamite. http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Devils-Food-Cake-with-Peppermint-Frosting-350770. i'd check their dessert section--i'm sure there are some easy options. depending on how many people are coming, maybe fried apple pies? they can be made to look very delicate and they are VERY good. http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Fried-Apple-Pies-241208
[ Reply | Options ]The idea of frying anything for a dinner party sounds so stressful unless you have kitchen help. I'd go for a really delicious cake--chocolate, ginger, lemon--that you can make or buy beforehand so you can just whip it out at the end.
[ Reply | Options ]Very true. I agree actually. I think I was just dreaming of something fried when I posted that. You could also easily tone down that chocolate cake recipe to make it easier, or even buy one. I think the chimichurri will mix well with the roast. Did you have another option in mind?
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[-]NOT SPAM !! WOHM needs other moms' help. My firm is looking to understand moms' views on buying and/ or not buying 'green' household products. We'd like to have a conversation with moms who use, and moms who don't use, these types fo products. The research will be on-line, in a discussion forum some time the week of December 1st. If you would be interested in sharing your views on this topic, please e-mail me (Norah) at greenresearch12@yahoo.com. TIA.
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[-]my sitter works 2 full days a week for us. I am sahm with 3 kids; she watches 1 mostly and does laundry for me, but about 2 hrs a week has all 3 kids. she started beginning of sept. and I haven't gotten a contract together yet for various reasons, but am doing one now. we really like her and want to keep our relationship. how many vaca days should I give her? thinking unlimited sick days as long as she doesn't take advantage (she doesn't seem like she will). thanks.
7 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]We have a p/t sitter who works about 20 hrs/week (2 full days). We give her 2 vacation days, 2 paid sick days and she gets paid for (but doesn't have to work) any federal holiday that falls on her scheduled days.
[ Reply | Options ]I was thinking 4 vaca. does that sound like too much? dh works many holidays so I may need her to work some federal ones (she works for us mondays). I am bad at this.
[ Reply | Options ]NR: I also have a two day a wk sitter and give her 4 vacation days and 4 sick days. But also, I don't know that you need an actual contract, simply communicating expectations and benefits may be enough.
[ Reply | Options ]yes, that's what I was thinking of putting in the contract: hourly pay, vacation days, holidays and sick days expectations. I don't anticipate any issues but I feel like the onus is on me to be clear, and she's already worked a few months without even knowing what kind of time off she is getting. thx.
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[-]marriage vs. living together - I am divorced not planning to have anymore children. My boyfriend of 1.5 years proposed we move in together. I have a dd - she is 6 years old. He does NOT want to get married officially, as I found out yesterday after all BUT he wants a long term relationship. I want to be married. What would you do?
21 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]Personally I would not move in with a BF while I have a young dd. Maybe if she were off in college, I would because then my life would be more about me. But unless someone wanted to make the commitment I wanted, I wouldn't consider the relationship serious.
[ Reply | Options ]I guess also logistically - I want to be protected. As his wife, will I have more rights in the event we divorce??? TIA...
[ Reply | Options ]All that matters is what's best for your dd. If she needs the stability and a father figure then this clearly is NOT the man. Someone who can just pick up and leave someday offers you and dd no stability.
[ Reply | Options ]If you want to be married, then tell him this is not going to work for you. Especially because you have to consider that you have a 6 year old who is looking to you to model what relationships should be like. She needs a stable family life, and especially because you want to get married eventually, you shouldn't take a chance on this guy and his idea of a "long term relationship." you might consider setting a time limit--for yourself--for how long you are willing to give him before he proposes.
[ Reply | Options ]Do not let him move in. If he does not want to get married, that is fine, so you tell him. But he cannot live with your child either. A very handsome, childless, male friend was telling me recently he thinks marriage is dated, just doesn't work anymore, and I kidn of agreed with him, except on the children front. Kids need two parents. Or they certainly thrive having two parents. If your boyfriend just moves in, he can just move out, and your daughter doesn't need that.
[ Reply | Options ]I agree with everyone here, tell him that you want to be married, set a deadline in your head and be prepared to walk away while you can. Especially since you have a dd to worry about. You don't need the added stress wondering if he is ever going to marry you and the stress of moving out if he decides he doesn't.
[ Reply | Options ]thank you all. this makes me sad but this is reality. I guess I am with a man who is terrified of marriage.
[ Reply | Options ]i posted above about setting a time limit for yourself. i would talk with him before giving up on him completely. i would let him know that you need a relationship in which marriage is in the future, and can't move forward until that happens. if he's a good guy, he will understand you are doing what is right for you and your daughter. and he might come around after all! plenty of men are terrified of marriage, but get married and find themselves very happy after all.
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[-]I'm looking for books to read on beach over Thanksgiving vacation. Week in FL with family. Could use some good high-quality fiction. Recommendations for recent reads that transported you?
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[-]Need to move to Boston area for DH's job. Any advice? Would we be miserable in the 'burbs? What towns have great schools? It would make the most sense for DH's commute to be south of the city.
51 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]Friends who are international urban types and both WOH FT live in Weston and are happy and love the schools - kids are in later elementary school.
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how adaptable are you? how good are you with change? Hingham has a great school system.
[ Reply | Options ]OP- Uh semi-adaptable? I'm already transitioning from a WOHM to SAHM. DH's new job involves a big raise. Does Hingham have public transit? The MBTA website is crap.
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Boston native here. Newton has the best public schools (arguably in the country) and is convenient for commute to city. If you want to be more "in" the city and not compromise good schools, I'd check out Brookline. Westwood is also a great place for families and a little less jappy than Newton. Wellesley is lovely, too. I see someone rec. that above.
[ Reply | Options ]my sister lives in brookline...great schools...i like the vibe of being part urban part suburban there that nyc doesn't really have (maybe parts of queens or brooklyn are similar)
[ Reply | Options ]ita with these two--Brookline and Newton. Wellesley and Weston and Hingham are nice but really, really suburban/far out. Brookline and Newton have great schools and nice walkable neighborhoods, good public trans. and they're not far at all from downtown Boston.
[ Reply | Options ]np: don't know about newton, but brookline is expensive. many who move farther out into greater suburbia do it to get more space, nicer house, etc.
[ Reply | Options ]True, but like everywhere else the cost is due to the great schools, ditto Newton. And Wellesley and Weston are both $$$. Acton is nice, pretty suburban/rural and the schools are terrific, but it may be further west than you want. I'd definitely come and have a look around--all of these places are very different. I just prefer someplace like Brookline where you're not in the car all the time and kids have more freedom to roam around on their own once they're middle-school age.
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Newton is great - we live there. Fairly easy to get into the city (commuter rail, depending on where you live, or drive on the pike) and it is close enough in that even with traffic driving doesn't take too long. Good schools, although dcs are not old enough yet- it is why we picked this town. It is very jewish though, I think at least 50%, if that matters to you. Is DH's job south of the city though, or just in the seaport? It takes me 25-30 mins for my commute and I work @ seaport.
[ Reply | Options ]Op- Why would that be a problem? (Serious question, I grew up Catholic in a Catholic town).
[ Reply | Options ]Some people (who are not jewish) feel a little left out by the large population of jewish people - kind of like being any minority I guess - and apparently some people (eg real estate agents etc) are not nice to you if you are not part of the tribe. It doesn't bother us (we are atheist) but then again most of our friends don't live in Newton either.
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Milton is lovely and south of the city but close in, although I don't think it's got a commuter rail station.
[ Reply | Options ]Why not downtown? There are schools there, private for the most part though one or two publics ok. Concord, Lexington, Belmont, Arlington...good schools, some of these towns are better than others. Hingham is a terrible commute. I kind of wonder if anyone recommending the South Shore actually lives there and works? Newton is ok, I disagree that the schools are the best in the state, and Newton is so big that the schools are variable. Brookline is appallingly expensive though I would say the schools are the best in the state. The commute in and out of Brookline is not great, especially on public transport though depends where you work. If you mentioned where DH was commuting to might be able to help better. But most of the close lying suburb...
[ Reply | Options ]Places to live in Newton: City made up 13 villages--Waban, Chestnut Hill, West Newton Hill but there are other nice areas-->generally below the Pike and above Route 9. Below Route 9 has nice homes but it's a different vibe: way more suburdan, bus is only public transportation. Brookline is more urban. Newton is urban transitioning to suburban. As somebody said to me, if you have 1 kid, Brookline is OK. More than that, live in Newton. Newton schools are generally better than Brookline.
[ Reply | Options ]OP- DH will probably be working in downtown (near South Station) for the most part but will also have an office in Quincy which is why I had initially said south.
[ Reply | Options ]I live in Boston, DC goes to Boston public schools--it's been an uneven experience but not the nightmare that many make it out to be. It just depends on what kind of culture you're looking for and I'm not getting enough from your post. Where do you live now and what do you like about it? Are you a Brooklyn type or a UES type? And btw, you're right about the MBTA site--you might have better luck if you just Google places you're interested in and then look for the T or commuter rail.
[ Reply | Options ]We're on UWS right now. Pretty crunchy for UWS, though. Love being able to walk everywhere. Looking forward to taking my DD to museums, parks, the library. If we can find a town/neighborhood with a few decent not chain restaurants that would be great. I hate the idea of needing two cars but I don't want to limit our search based on what might be irrational fears. We're going to Boston next weekend to look around. Where do you live? I thought the Boston publics were not an option for us but maybe...
[ Reply | Options ]You'll get a very broad spectrum of opinions and experiences in the Boston Publics--maybe not too different from NYC. Wide range of quality, lots of suspense, angling, and angst about choosing a school and then getting in (you are guaranteed to get one of your top three choices, allegedly). We live in Jamaica Plain which is more B'lyn'ish--pretty crunchy, very mixed neighborhoods, wonderful "main street" and some really beautiful parks, Jamaica Pond, etc. very diverse and family friendly. Definitely still very urban though, not for everybody. The South End (not to be confused w. Southie, aka South Boston) is beautiful, all brownstones, and would be an easy walk to downtown and just about everywhere, lots of kids, great restaurants and shops...
[ Reply | Options ]Awesome. I'm definitely going to take sometime to look at neighborhoods in the city when we go next week. Is it like NYC where they get "worse" as the kids get older? Are you afraid of running out of options once they hit middle school?
[ Reply | Options ]no, actually!! Kind of the opposite. Several good options for HS, including Boston Latin School, Boston Latin Academy, and several good charter hs's including Boston Collegiate and Academy of the Pacific Rim. A lot of people send their kids to private for elementary if they don't get their first-choice neighborhood school and then aim to get them into one of these schools for HS.
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DH will be downtown near South Station 4 days a week and in Quincy one day a week.
[ Reply | Options ]ah. Hingham to south station will not be great though possible. You want to be on/near the red line or a commuter going into south station. why not something near Alewife station which is on the red line? that would be concord, lexington, arlington, belmont.
[ Reply | Options ]Or Cambridge, which is more crunchy/academic but still pretty urban. You can also walk to south station from the south end but unlike poster above, I would not trust Boston public schools. Also JP is farther away and no T goes there.
[ Reply | Options ]Sigh. The Orange Line goes to Jamaica Plain as well as the second busiest bus line in the city and I'm guessing that OP has a car in any case. I think I was pretty straight-forward about the schools, but I'd definitely take Boston publics over Cambridge publics, especially on the HS level.
[ Reply | Options ]Do you take the orange line around forest hills? I would not go on it past back bay, it is sketchtastic.
[ Reply | Options ]Not Jamaica Plain mom- wikipedia tells me that the Jackson Square, Stony Brook and Green Street stops are in Jamaica Plain. I thought Forest Hills was Roslindale?
[ Reply | Options ]Sheesh--have you been on it since 1977? Not remotely sketch unless you are just truly afraid of all non-white people.
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[-]In New York the top private schools are Brearley, Chapin, Spence, Dalton, Collegiate, Horace Mann and Dalton. What about in your cities?
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Boston: In order of prestige (best to worst): Phillips Academy, Roxbury Latin (boys) & Winsor (girls), Milton Academy. But our publics, Boston Latin and Cambridge Rindge & Latin, can give Hunter and Stuy a run for their money.
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Rindge? Rindge? I don't know if you are basing this on 1965 info, but Cambridge Rindge & Latin school hasn't been selective in years, and it is a total sinkhole. Nothing whatever like Boston Latin.
[ Reply | Options ]Seriously! I thought that was supposed to be a crappy school. I'm not even from the area, and I know this.
[ Reply | Options ]It's a terrible school. Bummer because Cambridge has some very good public schools, but their high school is terrible.
[ Reply | Options ]My daughter is attending Rindge next year from private. The reputation is because the school is extremely socio-economically diverse; many kids are from very recent immigrant families and test scores are low as they are just learning English. That said, we know many families with kids there who have done superbly and you should check out the website to see where the kids get admitted to college. Havard and MIT routinely hold several places open for grads each year. Anyway, sorry to see the school bashed here because we know many kids who love it.
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Andover isn't in Boston, nor is it commutable. That's like saying Choate is one of the best schools in New York.
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np: Andover can't be more than 40 minutes outside downtown Boston, but most people in Boston live in surrounding areas, so for those north of Boston, it's probably 25 minutes. Choate OTOH is well over an hour outside the city. I'd say a better comparison might be Hackley or Rye Country Day. Plus, outside NYC, people travel a lot longer distances for private school. friend at Princeton Day School told me people came from an hour away.
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What about BB&N? I just moved here, and it seems like most of the richy-rich people I have met send their kids there.
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Washington: National Cathedral, Sidwell, St. Albans, Landon, Holton, Georgetown Day
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Um, many on this board would certainly disagree with this New York list of "top" schools -- you say it as if it is a done fact, but sorry, Chapin does not belong up there in any way; Spence doesn't really, either. Horace Mann has slipped below a couple of other coeds that you have left off that do belong, but I don't want to continue this nonsense.
[ Reply | Options ]This list is ridiculous: Chapin and Spence are no different than any private school anywhere. They are NOT academic powerhouses and never were.
[ Reply | Options ]Chapin and Spence have the 6th highest HYP placement in the COUNTRY. Of course they belong on list of tts.
[ Reply | Options ]and chapin was 3rd in the wsj article in 2007. I think this poster is the loon from an earlier post who was insisting only trinity, collegiate and brearly are top tier. the tt 7 schools list was not made up by UB. you can think the schools aren't for you - thats fine. but these are considered the top schools in nyc.
[ Reply | Options ]Are you sure? Where does this info come from? I went to Harvard and did not know a soul from Chapin or Spence, though many from Brearley and Collegiate. Never even had heard of Chapin and Spence, frankly, and then when I got to NY, heard of them as uptown, rich girl schools, not academic. Honestly, I agree with poster that they certainly WERE not historically academic powerhouses, but am open to hearing that times have changed. Where is the HYP info?
[ Reply | Options ]Google. And you can check each school's website for college placement info. I know Spence has 08's up--and Harvard is on the list.
[ Reply | Options ]This link is from an article that was published in Worth magazine. Schools that send the highest percentage of kids HYP. The list is hard to find now, but you can see it here if you scroll down - http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-admissions/201404-prep-school-reputations-10.html
[ Reply | Options ]This is the beginning of the article - http://www.electricprint.com/edu4/classes/readings/edu-eliteschools.htm
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That success rate % is bogus. It is based on how many kids went to those selected colleges. That list of college doesn't even include Yale, Stanford, other ivy's. Very random to include Johns Hopkins and a couple of colleges. If kids from a school apply to other schools not on the list that may be better than those listed, they get a lower success rate. Read the fine print!
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Chapin and Spence are not and never have been academic powerhouses. They may have a lot of legs and roch, connected kids who get into top colleges, but if you look at the schools for the experience of school itself, not college placement, sorry, these are not places of high intellectual pursuits. No way. Delusional to think so.
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Southern CT: New Canaan Country School, Greenwich Country Day, Greenwich Academy, Brunswick
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[-]Fieldston head of school resigned, citing he and his boyfriend want to return to MA. I'm so pissed that all the effort to find someone and this guy just uses us as a pit stop.
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[-] 2 yr old had H1N1 shot today with thimerisol and also second dose of seasonal flu. feel strongly that she have the vax this year, but suddenly feel like we overdid it. did anyone else get both at once for dc? with thimerisol? 6 month old getting the H1N1 later this week and now questioning it. thanks.
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[-]rational moms please talk to me about H1N1: I am all for getting the kids vax but the pedi only has shots with mercury. kids are 6.5 mos and 2. wwyd? thanks.
38 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]i would get vax no matter what. 2 dc's with swine and it is miserable. it is so strong and it is endless.
[ Reply | Options ]miserable and endless, but they are not hospitalized or dying, so they are building their immune system naturally, lifetime effect vs short term vaccine effect
[ Reply | Options ]NP: but do you want your DC to be one of those who does end up in the hospital? or dies? the vaccines contain about as much mercury as a can of tuna. not great, but not the worst thing that can happen either.
[ Reply | Options ]the mercury isnt the issue for me. its the flu vaccine (in general, and this year) doesnt provide long term prevention. some studies even suggest that those who had flu shot just last year more likely to get h1n1 this year.
[ Reply | Options ]and, PS, i normally vax on schedule. and I'm a medical professional with over 10 years of experience.
[ Reply | Options ]what kind of medical professional and with what experience? b/c some of the things you are saying are medically wrong! are you an immunologist? a virologist? a pediatrician? I could say I'm a medical professional w/ 10 years of experience too but I'd never counsel people on medical issues!
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There is no lifetime effect of natural immunity for flu. Doesn't work the same as measles. No matter how your child builds immunity to a flu (vaccine or by getting sick), he/she won't be permanently immune.
[ Reply | Options ]you are technically correct, but when the body sees an illness it has seen before, defenses arise much more quickly. you may be ill for a few hours or days instead of many days or weeks. barring another condition, chemotherapy, and old age where immunity decreases.
[ Reply | Options ]Well, having had the swine flu this summer (given that it was a "mild" flu and was horrendously awful), I could not see choosing to allow my very young childrens' bodies have to fight off an illness like that. I also cannot see that the benefit of "defenses arising much more quickly" for a flu that we may or may not see again for many years (and where a vaccine is available if it does) is worth taking the chance that one of my children will be one of the small minority of healthy kids who cannot fight this flu, and who end up hospitalized on a respirator, or worse.
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Yep. Difference is, my personal choice is less risky for my own child a is also a coice that doesn't put others at risk. Personal choice indeed, but some choices are better, more responsible, and more rational than others. Oh but, when your kid is really sick and miserable, make sure to tell him/her that his/her body will more quickly respond in the great swine flu epidemic of 2057--it will make you child feel much better.
[ Reply | Options ]i do vaccinate, just not for influenza. I think it's the least proven vaccine series out there, next to gardasil, which my DD is not yet old enough to get, so have not decided on yet. current candaian study suggests (though not yet complete) that annual flu shot from last year may increase risk of h1n1 this year. I am by no means saying it is the right choice for everyone. I am also a SAHM, so I will keep my child home if she is known to be ill or exposed, so as not to expose your child.
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Please get your facts straight. There is no mercury in these vaccines. Thimerasol is not the same thing as mercury.
[ Reply | Options ]Thimerosol is a mercury compound, albeit with less mercury than a can of tunafish. I don't have a dog in this race, but you should be accurate. Thimerosol is a preservative with mercury in it. There are single dose vaccines that are thimerosol free, and the nasal mist doesn't have it.
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OP: thanks. sorry about the debate fodder. I really hate that I did that. I am most likely keeping our appts. in my heart of hearts, as they say (and from what all the medical professionals say), I do not believe there is a risk. I'd prefer the thimerisol-free, but it's not available here now. thanks again.
[ Reply | Options ]my 6mo and 2.5 yo have had the first round of H1N1--they both get brochiolitis and I didn't want to risk it--the mercury isn't an issue because it isn't combined with other shots-so it is fine--maybe when they are older and stronger I won't vaccinate because i believe in germs and exposure--but not this year and not when they are under 5
[ Reply | Options ]Get the shots! YOUR CHILDREN ARE AT RISK, not just the kids with a medical history or immune difficiency. H1N1 can severely effect any child healthy or not. I do not have a medical degree, I am just a parent who has a wonderful pediatrician who takes the time to speak to me and answer my questions. Good Luck.
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[-]withhold rent? I moved into the bottom floor of a private house in August. The guy is clearly overwhelmed fixing everything; he's putting siding on my daughter's room so it's warm, but hasn't fixed the radiator yet in her room - looks like it just needs a new collar. She's been crawling into bed with me to stay warm. withhold rent today?
8 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]>>>more-the radiator's been broken since we moved in - and the electricity was so messed up I was paying the 3 floors they lived on while they were paying for one - and now that the wiring's been straightened out I'm still paying more than they are per floor - this is really, really aggravating.
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i agree. i think you need to present him with alternatives (offer to have him reimburse you for a space heater plus $25/mo for extra electricity. or offer to make the arrangements for a repair man and he'll pay the bill). also, "remind" him every day. but i wouldn't withhold rent at this point.
[ Reply | Options ]This is what I did last winter when I wasn't getting heat. I purchased two space heaters so I had the landlord reimburse me for those and then pay the difference in the electricity bill for the months with the heater in use. My problem also lasted for months so I asked for a certain percentage of my rent back for each month without heat, which I received. I did threaten to withold rent, but I also mentioned that it was my last resort and gave other options first.
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