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- I really don't enjoy it at all, and wish I could spend less time with them
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My DH Has Office Wife - Red Flag?… (136 Replies)
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DH here: Made $120,000 last year and $160,000 this year. DW who makes significantly more says I need to get my salary up to $200,000. Making $100,000 a year is nothing these days and pretty common. She said that many civil servants make $100,000 a year. By the way, I spend mornings (take them to school), nights (put them to bed and bath them) and weekends with my kids. Go to lots of school events and cook, food shop and clean around the house. Am I doing OK or am I really slacking?
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you're doing GREAT. You're wife sounds like an ignorant, disrespectful man. You keep doing what you're doing. Your salary is fine and the fact that you're so hands on with the kids is great
[ Reply | More ]OMG, all of the people responding are major hypocrites. Every time a woman posts that she has a low paying job but does all the childcare, people jump on her saying that her poor DH is just stressed from being the sole bread winner. Why doesn't his DW get that same sympathy?
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In this case, if his wife earns significantly more, she is probably feeling the same type of pressure.
[ Reply | More ]This is not at all the same and this man makes a respectable living. His wife is not complaining he is not helping enough, she is complaining he is not earning enough.
[ Reply | More ]if his wife is feeling pressure, I'd say her bitching is ok if he were just sitting home watching sports but he's not. He's working fulltime and helping out with the kids. What more does she want? Their HHI is over 300k. What more does she want?
[ Reply | More ]What does "helping out" mean? I would love to really know how much this DH is actually doing, compared to what he claims to do.
[ Reply | More ]he does drop pff in the morning, he does bath and bedtime, food shopping, cooks, cleans, etc. That's more than a lot men.
[ Reply | More ]Stop being so sexist. He's not a hero because he does more than a lot of men. In this particular case, he is making up for the fact that he works less hours and earns less money, so it's completely normal that he does drop off.
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How many hours per week do you work and how many does your wife work? When you say that you cook and clean, do you mean that you do the majority of the cooking and cleaning, or that you "pitch in"?
[ Reply | More ]I cook all meals on the weekends and clean up after. I clean and do laundry after cleaning woman leaves all week. I work 60 hours a week but have a flxible schedule and can work from home. Wife works many more hours than I do. She doesn't raise a finger to cook or clean which I am OK with considering how much she works already.
[ Reply | More ]So you are not doing that much. You cook on the weekend because you work less hours than your wife. Who is cooking during the week?
[ Reply | More ]Wife does not cook, clean or do laundry. I bet very few men cook 3 meals on Saturday and Sunday, clean and do laundry on the weekend and during the week at night. I also pay all the bills. Not to mention the majority care giver for the kids.
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$160,000 is almost 3x what I make and almost 4x what my dh makes, so I guess "slacking" is relative to things like how in touch with reality you are and how much of a clueless bitch your wife is.
[ Reply | More ]Please let me know, or have your wife tell me, how I can get a job making $100k a year. You know, because it's pretty common and so easy to get. I would appreciate it.
[ Reply | More ]I actually agree with DW, because I am in the same boat, except I have now lost my job so I make a good $0k. I take care of the kids now, and other than cooking, which I do, DH does ALL the things you mentioned even though I stay home. And he makes $150k base. I believe he should be making closer to 300k. Here is my reasoning-- there are jobs for his qualifications and experience with 300k advertised (I see them as I am also in the market). I want him to see what else is out there, he hasn't changed his job or looked meaningfully at other opportunities because he is very comfortable where he is. His bosses love him. He likes the security, but he is GROSSLY underpaid for what he does. If he did this for the govt he would get about 110k and have an amazing work/life balance, great hours and benefits.
[ Reply | More ]^sorry, he would make 110k for the govt and have amazing security and hours. He doesn't have that. And I disagree with how much money we need to live on. No employer CARES how much money an employee needs. Its about how much he should rightfully be paid and there is a market out there for his particular expertise and I know what number he should be hitting. I don't think he is slacking. I think he is unwilling to rock the boat.
[ Reply | More ]And what does he sacrifice in his personal life to go from $150k to $300k. Will he still see his family as often as now? How secure is his job now compared to the $300k job? What's going to happen if he loses that $300k job while he would be just fine if he stayed with his $150k job? We have three kids at home and we are doing well with "only" 120k HHI. I think your expectations needs to be adjusted.
[ Reply | More ]I disagree. You seem to be saying that you shouldn't take a higher paying job because if you lose your job it will be harder to adjust than if you had a lower paying job. Thats just ridiculous. He does not have job security or good hours now. And he would if he was a govt worker, earning just slightly lesser. The 300k may not be worse hours or benefits, the point is we don't know. He has never applied or actively looked elsewhere. Once you get an offer, you can always decide not to take it and stay put. But there are husbands, mine included, who just don't go there at all. End up they are severely underpaid. Its not about my expectation of how much money we need (I earn, and expect to soon, and hopefully contribute very well to that), its about what expectation he should have for his own efforts.
[ Reply | More ]No, I say that you shouldn't sacrifice things that are important to you for money. OP lives in a two-income family and to be honest, they'be got plenty of money. There is need for him to do something he doesn't want to.
[ Reply | More ]And why do you think they don't actively look for a higher paying job? Laziness? You know, they are all adults. Whatever OP is doing is what he's doing and he seems to be content. Since they are not in danger to live under the bridge anytime soon why does it matter how much money he exactly makes? Maybe OP doesn't measure his success in Dollars? Maybe his wife does. Maybe those two shouldn't be together because they have fundamentally different reasoning and are unable to accept each other.
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The problem in this scenario is that your wife feels like the pressure to maintain your lifestyle is in her, while you are essentially coasting. I suggest that you scale back your lifestyle and make sure you are living well within your means. I feel for her in this situation because I contribute much more to our household financially than DH does, but he seems to enjoy the lifestyle that my earnings bring to the table. I would also love for him to step it up but would never have the guts to say it.
[ Reply | More ]to maintain his lifestyle? I'm sorry but I thought he said he works not lounge all day long playing golf with boys. Now that would be a lifestyle she could bitch at
[ Reply | More ]Ditto. Though I've come to terms with it because DH is really good at his job and happy with it, and does a lot of the household things. I wouldn't mind scaling back to a cheaper life, but he does seem to like what my salary gets us.
[ Reply | More ]OR: ITA. I take money into account with whatever decision I make. I don't just decide to take vacations, renovate, etc, without planning the cost around this. DH will say "why don't we renovate XYZ?" without any regard to where the money would come from to do this. It is just expected that I will pay for it, and I feel like a cheap ass if I push back on it because of money.
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You wife should have a look at the civil servant list and count the folks that actually make 6 figure salaries at the city.
[ Reply | More ]Would you be able to maintain your lifestyle if your DW made as much as you? If not, is that something your DW insists on (like an expensive apartment) or something you both agree to?
[ Reply | More ]I don't think this is fair. How many couples, even those with 2 professionals, have 2 equal income streams? In almost all cases, a family lives better than it would if the higher paid spouse dropped to the lower paid spouse's level. It seems like they both make important contributions to the overall family situation.
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Can someone enlighten me on how someone can just go out and make 200K? Where outside of low, finance, and medicine is this kind of pay realistic?
[ Reply | More ]I am OR above and got flamed for saying I have said the same thing about DH and I think people just do not understand the motivation for this. Its not about having more money or to make DH go out and get a second job. Its a belief that the DH, given his profession, hours of work, expertise, and experience, should be making more. Usually its when DH's colleagues with similar backgrounds are making much more and because they have changed employers. Sometimes its because DH has stayed with the same employer 6-7 yrs and got much more specialized but not been rewarded for this skill. Ask DW she thinks that and what she thinks you should do? I guarantee you its something like 'take our achievements to your boss and tell him what you think you should get paid'. your making DW out to e a bitch. Very few women I know put pressure on their DHs to go out an make more so they can get the kitchen redone.
[ Reply | More ]It doesn't matter what *your* believe it. You have to respect the choices your partner makes. As a family you are not short on money. Why do you expect him to do something that's against what he believes in? Or what he's happy with?
[ Reply | More ]OR, If I felt for a minute he was doing what he believes in or that he is actually 'actively' making a choice to do what he is doing, I wouldn't care. HE isn't happy knowing that he is underpaid. Get off your high horse about what DW wants in this situation. Most DW want their DH to be happy or at peace with what they do 70% of their waking life.
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np: There's a difference between feeling your dh is underpaid because you are being supportive and don't like that he is under-appreciated or believing it's his fault he doesn't make enough because he's a slacker. This DH makes a decent second salary plus is around for the kids and cooks and what-not. What the hell more could a partner want? If a woman had said this, everyone would have been up in arms. I don't understand why this guy doesn't get the same sympathy. OP, I think you're doing great!
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You are doing great. I am so hoping you are joking here, otherwise that's insane. You have hours that allow you to be a hands on dad and you are making more than a big % of the country and you're slacking? Wow that bums me out. PS I work pt for about 30K a year (20 hrs/week) and feel thrilled to be contributing to my household and that I can also be home a lot with the kids. Sheesh!
[ Reply | More ]something is missing here -- the question in my mind is this: what is the effort involved for you to go from 160 to 200? if the morning routine hasn't changed, and your job hasn't changed, but you somehow made over 30% more this year, then perhaps how much you make is not a function of how much time you put into the job, but what you do with the time you have. If it's possible for everything else to stay the same but for you to still make 200k, then why not?
[ Reply | More ]You are not slacking certainly. But maybe you mistook her meaning? Maybe she means you are great and hardworking BUT that they are taking advantage at your work? FWIW my sis is a doctor gets paid same as you but her DH says she is too nice, never asks for her bonus/raise, etc. He isn't doing it to be mean but to push her to get what she is worth.
[ Reply | More ]You are doing fine, do what makes you happy, if you are not reaching your full potential maybe you should explore why for yourself, but not for your wife. You are well past the amounts of money you need to survive.
[ Reply | More ]I don't know without hearing from the wife. Typically, if roles were reversed, the wife making less would be doing literally everything for the house if the DH was also working much longer hours. I don't mean cooking and cleaning so much as hiring/firing nanny, worrying about the kids, arranging playdates, buying clothes, investigating preschools/schools etc. There is a lot on the mom and when I was working crazy hours and DH was doing drop off /pick up the stress of 'what' DH did was still on me. It was a crazy responsibility... like saying DH would do all tasks, but not figure things out (he didn't cook.. that is a HUGE thing you have taken off her hands). I had to quit for something much lesser (money, but also interest), when my nanny suddenly started falling sick, and then eventually had ti leave. The pressure was just too much. So to all the ladies who say 'what would you say if it was the DW?' if it was the DW, the DH would be doing little to nothing in the house and would and could 'help' whenever he felt like. See if your wife is feeling the pressure.
[ Reply | More ]UB is wierd. IF the positions were reversed, you can be guaranteed DW would be doing a majority of the work or DH would be suggesting that she sah! Get real!! In my case DH and I have been together since college and we got our MBAs together. While he has (10 yrs post MBA) been with the same employer and risen, but not significantly. his salary has not really benefited. I have changed jobs 2x and been laid off once. I have had 2 DCs and taken the maternity leave for that. I earn more, and while I don't cook and clean, I feel like I am the primary caregiver. I drop off and DH does pick ups. When I travel its always up to me to arrange babysitting to cover for me (dh does not travel). I earn more. I feel there is incredible pressure on me and DH is much much more relaxed, That said, a bulk of our spending a 'fixed' but discretionary spending is almost always DH. He need 2x/mo sitter+ date night. He needs the nicer vacations. If we fight its about money because he thinks I am too cheap.
[ Reply | More ]^all these women who are taking DH's side do no understand the dynamic at all. It doesn't matter how much DH earns, it matters relative to the spouse and relative the the spending. Lots of DWs quit work to SAH at 160k/yr if their spouse is earning much more. Its all relative what 'chores' you are doing. Please remember, you cannot compare to what other men are doing at home if your situation is different.
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