UrbanBaby Asks...
Do you 'enjoy' spending time with your kids?
- Yes, most of the time we really have fun together
- Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's really dull and aggravating
- Honestly most of the time it's not fun at all, but it's not supposed to be fun
- I really don't enjoy it at all, and wish I could spend less time with them
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Posted September 13, 2007(191 replies)
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My DH Has Office Wife - Red Flag?… (136 Replies)
I just found out my husband has an office wife. He insists that they are just friends, and that he has no feelings for her. He insists she has no feelings for him. I explained that he’ ...
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DH, if this is you....You used to be my knight in shining armor. You used to reassure me, and make me feel like everything was going to be OK. Since having kids, nothing is OK anymore. You did not live up to your part of the bargain when I agreed to become a SAHM. The game has changed, and so have I. You're right, I am depressed. I would encourage you to have an affair so one of us can be happy. Because I will never, ever trust you enough to sleep with you again.
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Definitely not my choice. Wife has low sex drive. I try to initiate a couple times a week but we have sex maybe once a month. I was frustrated for many years but I have gotten resigned to it
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Sometimes it's once a month, sometimes every other. I don't count bc it's too depressing. Sadly, I think she only has sex out of some feeling of obligation or fear that any less would lead to divorce or cheating. There's no actual desire on her end. It's really a turn off. Maybe that's the intent.
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I feel cheated, yes. Have I cheated? No. I have thought about it but have never come remotely close to acting on it.
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i mean, if it's not going to lead to a divorce, i am not sure i am 100% against it. some people need sex like some people need food. so, i am against divorce or humiliating a spouse in any way, but if it's really just sexual, i don't know it's that horrible. the problem is, of course, that it might not stay purely sexual. so some cheating men and women seem to prefer to cheat with other married women and men. i am a very practical kind of person.
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Not at all. It has just evolved into this after 15 years of marriage and 2 kids. We are basically roommates who share child care duties.
[ Reply | More ]take her on a vacation alone with you even if it's a weekender. guarantee she'll put out.
[ Reply | More ]I tried that but unfortunately I think she was onto that strategy. And that made her feel pressured and not want to do it. Actually, it's better for us not to do it under those circumstances bc it's painfully obvious she is staring at the clock. I've learned to avoid that at all costs
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Is it a prolonged phase that you'll come through, maybe? My DH and I started out like rabid animals 13 years ago and the last several years have been relatively sexless--a bout of unemployment plus starting a family...stuff piled up on us. He wasn't interested but now is and I am not feeling it. But I want to again. It's tough but I'm hoping we find our way back. Is your wife at all interested in trying?
[ Reply | More ]We've talked about it, we've fought about it. Her stance is, "you have to just let it happen.". So I backed off. She is a sahm and I'm pretty sure she's only still married to me for the kids.
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I think she's chronically depressed and unhappy. Not with me but with life in general.
[ Reply | More ]Yeah, I get it--this has been my DH for some time. Negative, down, not alive or engaged. He's finally getting some help and I think that has helped reawaken his desire but I'm holding on to some anger I need to let go. Is she seeing a therapist? Are you?
[ Reply | More ]She was on antidepressants for a while after I encouraged her to see a doctor. They caused weight gain and she blamed me for getting fat
[ Reply | More ]Ugh, not a good situation and obviously no easy fix. I'm sure someone will flame me for saying his, but is she interested in working? It might build her self-esteem. And no offense, honestly, but are you a supportive co-parent? Do you work long hours or anything?
[ Reply | More ]She's not interested in working. I've encouraged her many times to get out of the house and be more active. I feel I do a lot of housework. I do all the cooking, about half the laundry, all the bathing the kids, dressing and taking them to school. We have a cleaning lady to do the heavy housework but I'm neater in general so I tidy up and do dishes (can't stand them piled up)
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Haha. This is something I would do... blame my dh for making me fat.. I'm sorry, it's not your fault. I feel like I'm your wife. I'm a sahm, depressed w a low sex drive... I'm trying to get myself out of this rut that I am in and until then sex doesn't appeal to me. Sometimes I do have sex w dh bc i don't want him to cheat. I don't think he would ever cheat but it's just an insecurity that I have.
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Why won't she sleep w you? Do you do all see gross DH things we hear about on here ( snore, fart, pee with the door open), that turn us off our husbands?
[ Reply | More ]None of the above, thank you. I'm well groomed and relatively fit. Like most DHs here, I'm a 1% professional.
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Not sure why this is relevant. Suffice to say, I have undergrad and graduate degrees from Ivies and worked several good years in finance but no longer do so. Own apt in desireable location outright with no debt. I'm sure for this board I'm just the median. No Hamptons home or fractional jet ownership.
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my first question is, why have you given up? i'm willing to bet that she's explained to you why it's come to this. so my second question is why are you not listening.
[ Reply | More ]I've given up bc I have tried over and over. Date nights, vacations, therapists, medication. Her only answer is "you have to just let it happen". I think all those romantic gestures created pressure so I've given up on them.
[ Reply | More ]that's an answer to the first question -- not the second. what kinds of things does she ask of you? help around the house? more responsibility with the kids? there's something she's saying that you're not hearing. the question is NOT how can I get more action, it's how can I help you feel more supported? asked in a sincere way with follow up will seriously help.
[ Reply | More ]No:is it inconceivable that his d is just a rotten wife? Everybody here is ure quick enoughbo point out DH flaws,.
[ Reply | More ]Oh good lord I hate this iPad!! Hopefully the above makes some sense. Women can be crummy partners too, you know. This might not be his fault.
[ Reply | More ]I didn't say it was his fault. i said that I'm guessing there's something she needs that she isn't getting and doesn't want to ask for. she's got to feel it, have it come naturally -- just suggesting that he might be able to help that along. and it's not by whisking her away or complaining about it, or making suggestions or anything else. it's about hearing her in a way he probably hasn't heard her for sometime.
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I understand your point. The reality is she is a sahm with the kids in school all day. We have a house cleaner who does all the cleaning. I do all the cooking or we order out. I do more tidying bc I'm generally neater (though I'm not a neat freak). I'm not sure what more support there could be? I try talking but she's just not communicative with me
[ Reply | More ]what do you try to talk ABOUT? if it's about how you can get more action, that conversation is a non-starter. she probably feels like everyone wants a piece of her and she's nibbled to death. you've described very well what she has, but you still haven't described what she NEEDS from you. maybe you don't know? find out.
[ Reply | More ]^^do you ever have date nights? go to the movies, or to a nice restaurant, or book reading, or concert or whatever? that would start providing content for conversations.
[ Reply | More ]We did some of these. It was so sad. I hate to admit it but we ran out of things to talk about at dinner, came home, and relieved the babysitter early. It was like talking to a wall.
[ Reply | More ]I was like this once with my dh. I just felt so bored that I didn't want to even bother trying to talk. My dh would take his phone out and read emails during dinner. It was so sad. I acted like this bc I was depressed and felt totally lost. I didn't feel excited about anything and I took it out on my dh.
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Definitely not talking about sex. That is a pointless and painful topic. But you're right, I don't know what she needs. I feel like I provided everything but I haven't given her what she really desires. I think she may just want a different life and doesn't want to admit it. Understandably so.
[ Reply | More ]well, there you go. and i won't even charge you ;o)you need to find out what she feels like she needs to be happy. and then take it from there. also try expressing your feelings -- how grateful you are for all that she does, how much you love her and appreciate her; give her hugs, backrubs, stroking her hair -- just nice touches but all without any pressure. I can tell from your original post that a lot of this is about you -- you need to shift your frame of reference to being about her, and build from there.
[ Reply | More ]so my main suggestion is this: pretend you just met her and you wanted to convince her to marry you. how would you behave? what would you do? my guess is that you'd try to find out as much as you can about the things she liked and try to deliver. this is the same project -- convince her that your relationship is worth being excited about. and in the process, hopefully you will also convince yourself.
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Was this how it's been all along? Why would you go into a marriage with someone who doesn't sexually complement you?
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NP - I'm sorry; this would be awful. Do you have any specific questions for us from thevwife POV? -- Married 8 years, together 15, 2 kids
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DH and I were 1x - 2x/month when the kids were little. Once they were both in school, things got easier maybe, or maybe something else changed, because now it's 2 - 3x/week. Good luck.
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No - you guys need to turn this around! Can you go away for a full week together somewhere awesome? Remind yourselves that it all started with you two.
[ Reply | More ]Same poster - also, can you put a few dates on the calendar for the next couple of months? It is so great to be able to flirt the week you have a date planned.
[ Reply | More ]These are good ideas but honestly I don't think she really wants to spend alone time with me. She'd rather spend her free time by herself.
[ Reply | More ]^^^"why can't you just give me some space" or "stop it, I mean it" are classic retorts when I try to spoon or touch her. This coming from someone who is at home all day by herself (which I'm sure is not helping).
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PP here: she sounds depressed and worn out. Does she have close friends? Can you encourage her to get away for a fun long weekend with them?
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pls dont diagnoe her. it will be irritating to her just find out what she needs, what her ideal day, week, month would look like.
[ Reply | More ]FYI, that "dont diagnose her" was a new poster. Not the original PP, me. it does sound like depression or at least a major rut. €
[ Reply | More ]"don't diagnose her" was from me, and please don't do it. when someone is not reacting the way you think they should, hearing from you that they "must be clinically depressed" just sounds presumptuous. OP can express concern without assuming that she has a clinical diagnosis. OP sounds like a nice enough guy, but maybe the only problem is that she finds him annoying!
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i said this earlier, but i just keep getting the sense that she feels that everyone is demanding things of her -- depleting her. that's why she wants time to herself. try doing activities that she would like that wouldn't necessarily occur to you. this is about putting her in a happy and more open mindset.
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I don't think she's going to be into flirting the week before a date. not OP, but I have a sense of where she is, and this isn't it.
[ Reply | More ]PP - I just read everything and now agree. This makes me sad for OP who sounds like a great guy.
[ Reply | More ]OP sounds like an unhappy guy. Great guy? i don't know. this just feels like a story that very much has two sides to it. but i'm on his side -- i want it to work out, and have tried to make some suggestions.
[ Reply | More ]Op: I agree there's always two sides and readily admit you've heard only one. And I think one of the big insights here is that I am unable to articulate the other side of the story. Is it too easy for me to say, "she won't talk to me?". I know to make change I need to get to the bottom of it but am not sure she wants me digging. She pushes me away all the time. It takes two to care.
[ Reply | More ]omgoodness, this sounds whiny. please stop. it's not all that complicated. just get to know her better, and do things that she will think are fun. it doesn't have to be a deep, existential uncovering of emotion. just start paying closer attention and try to build bridges vs. taking/requesting/insisting/complaining. and btw, i think she does care. if she didn't, she'd be out. you both care -- maybe only b/c of your kids, but that's a start. GL!!
[ Reply | More ]I know it'll be hard to get to the bottom of it bc maybe she doesnt know this for herself yet. As a depressed sahm, I often push my dh away bc I really don't want to talk to him about my issues. I feel ashamed and want time to myself to figure things out. It's not that I don't care. I do care, but just need space to heal. Going through ppd btw.
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DH and I have sex on average once or twice a month. Good month it might be every week but it could also be just one time a month. And I don't consider it a platonic relationship, and we still find each other attrative. Just feel like other stuff gets in the way.
[ Reply | More ]You might want to consider that it's not just her low sex drive that's contributing to your issues. I have a similar situation going on with my DH and a large part of our problem is that we have lost a meaningful connection. I say the same thing about letting it happen and what I think I mean is that it should happen naturally and it doesn't in our case and therefore we rarely have sex. i'd actually like to, i just can't find that connection with him any longer.
[ Reply | More ]Op: and that's definitely what I miss most, a conmection with a real, live woman. Which is probably why I am taking to a bunch of anonymous DWs on UB.
[ Reply | More ]np: What have you done just for her lately? I'm OR above whose DH suddenly got re-interested. I have to say, one thing that really rebuilds that connection is when he brings the whole family on to participate in a hobby I enjoy, but really doesn't interest him. I know he's really doing it for me. The romantic dinners don't do it (feels contrived), but that kind of thing does.
[ Reply | More ]Op: yeah after my post, I saw that you try to talk to her. That's my prob in my marriage - I talk all day nd he has nothing to say, he just wants to watch tv or look a his computer. And I don't feel like he looks out forme generally. He is so self-involved. So, that's why I don't have much sex, but my DH totally attributes it to his thought that I have a low sex drive. No, there's just no attraction because we have no connection. Anyway, sorry :-)
[ Reply | More ]Your DH is my DW. She spends much more time with her iPad or watching tv than with me. I can't tear her away from those and if I do, she has nothing to say. It's a one way conversation like I'm talking to myself. How do you cope?
[ Reply | More ]We have only been married for 5 years so I'm not sure yet lol. It's boring that's for sure. I work a lot and we have a 3 year old, so I spend a lot of time with her. How about you?
[ Reply | More ]5 years, you're still newlyweds! Though you do sound like me. I work a fair amount; probably less than average for NYC. I relieve stress by running the loop in Central Park. Love listening to old college Pandora stations while working out. I do best with the kids in doses, too much and I will overdose, sorry to say. And I guess I like UB too.
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DH? Is that you? Just kidding. I am in the same boat! DH thinks I have low sex drive. Not really so..I know b/c I had an affair (I was the aggressor there) which I enjoyed tremendously. I have peroidic depression and in therapy found I had unresolved anger/ abandonment/ rejection issues around dh from things in our past (been together 20 years, married 10, 2 kids). Plus when I want it, he's at work. When he wants it, I'm asleep so very out of sync. We had a brief renaissance this summer when I went to stay with relatives and he visited -
[ Reply | More ]my kids were taken care, my house wasn't a mess (hey, it wasn't my house after all), I went to the salon, relaxed and when he came we went on a double date with my sister and her boyfriend (a very sexy couple), and then to a hotel where some good sex ensured. So 3 times this summer and 0 times in the prior two years and a few times this fall. That's it! Sucks!
[ Reply | More ]i think this is called "taking your husband for granted" which may be the case with the OP's wife. sometimes, people need a kick in the pants.
[ Reply | More ]Perhaps. OP should probably be more honest. I was cheating with a guy like him (took loads of convincing, but he was married to a woman who wouldn't sleep with him and I knew for years but we hooked up) and I found he wasn't prince charming neither (and yes, my dh did horrible things, and this was my revenge - and no, he doesn't know). I may have needed to see another guy wasn't the solution, and now I'm working on my marriage. It's good I'm no longer the martyr, I'm more tolerant of dh's shortcomings since I found out we are all only human!
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That's horrible. Sorry. Questions: Did you ever have any clue before getting married that you might not be a perfect fit sexually? Have you had any major unresolved relationship issues? Does your wife have any health problems? Have either of you changed a lot physically in 15 years?
[ Reply | More ]I always had a higher sex drive but it wasn't that big a deal. It's just over the past 5 years we've really diverged. Unresolved relationship issues? We're roommates and co-parents but no outright hostility or tension otherwise. No health problems except mild depression I would say (on her part). She's gained quite a lot of weight whereas I'm in a little better shape than when we were married.
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Once a month is the average in my circle of friends. Where do you rabbits find the time?
[ Reply | More ]Oh man, I just had a terrible fear that this was my DH in the other room while I've been out here on my iPad all night, ignoring him. Be right in, Babe...
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Sounds incredibly frustrating. I'm still just in 2nd year of marriage, so I want to ask what would the consequences be of speaking frankly, like saying straight up that your basic sexual needs aren't being met? Is that too much "real" communication that would shut her down? She sounds quite depressed too...
[ Reply | More ]How old are your two children OP? How clean is your house? Does she have laundry piled up? How sexy is your bedroom (are kids in it?) How often do you two go out on a date? Two young kids, a messy house, nothing to wear, a bedroom over-run by children and their stuff and not going out was the death knell for us (and I was over weight). Get all this in place before trying to put the big move on - we are working together opening to fix all of these things and still have hope of getting it on!
[ Reply | More ]OP, I posted earlier about finding out her needs because it sounds like you are so focused on your own, you have no idea what she needs and wants. she knows what you need and want but it sounded to me like a one-way street. after logging off, i happened to pick up the latest issue of Psychology Today -- cover story is on are you wtih the right mate? you should read it. I think it debunks the posters who are saying you can't do anything and it's all about her needing to fix herself. some of it is also about being a better partner, and how to do that. Yes, she needs to do it, too (i.e., be a better partner for you), but the change process has to start somewhere, and if you can start it, things can come around.
[ Reply | More ]Have you considered the possibility that your wife was sexually abused as a kid? I am an abuse survivor and sex has its challenges for me. Therapy and meds have helped, so has my husband, but things are not perfect. You seem like a nice guy. Have you asked her? Past abuse can wreak havoc on a person's ability to feel or experience desire. In any case, I hope something works out for you both. You sound like you are hurting about this. Take care of yourself if you can.
[ Reply | More ]I'm another Husband who's got a wife who has no sex drive. I posted here several months ago, but my wife passed through the stage you are in a few years ago, and we literally have not had sex in about 5 years. We still love each other very much and she carries herself as a very outgoing person, she has never liked sex--not even during our first several years of marriage, where she was going through the motions and couldn't wait until i got off of her.
[ Reply | More ]I was like your DW 10 years ago, depressed and sexless. We divorced. It took awhile, but I wasn't depressed and rediscovered my sex drive and see now that a lot of it had to do with a lack of intimacy on both our parts. DH didn't seem to care at all how I felt and in turn I stopped caring about him. Before you lose her forever, can you try therapy?
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