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My mommy friend asked if I could pick up her son from school - she has swine flu. I asked my nanny - after hesitating and hissing, she said OK. Then, mommy friend called and said she wasn't taking him in at all, she was too sick. I said I will take him! Asked nanny if she would do it, she said no. I had to leave work, run to get him and drop him off. Thoughts?
86 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]Why would you volunteer your nanny to drop off the child when she barely agreed to pick him up? She was nice to agree to the first half--it is not part of her normal duties, and how would you like your employer telling you to go expose yourself to swine flu? It sounds like you are treating her more like a slave than an employee. If you want to help your friend, great, but I think you should be willing to do it yourself (and not ask your nanny to brave the flu).
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The flu part is total bullshit. She had MY KID at a play date, where the other kid had swine flu three days later. She also babysat someone else on Saturday, and the kid has swine flu. Her sisters kid has swine flu. She is beyond exposed to swine flu. The kid she was supposed to be picking up had swine flu two weeks ago, and now the mom has it. You seriously don't think nannies should help out and be somewhat willing when asked to do something not in their regular routine?
[ Reply | Options ]but you asked. and she said no. you could have given a direct order, but obviously you didn't want to use one up.
[ Reply | Options ]that is my question - do you give a direct order to a nanny on something like this? Or do I walk on eggshells for the rest of my life with her? I think when she realized I was leaving work to grab the kid, she could have a least hissed louder and said, "FINE, I'll take him". She totally inconvenienced me, and it would have not been a big deal AT ALL for her to walk a couple of extra blocks and grab him.
[ Reply | Options ]direct order? you are not in the military. it is not part of her job. you asked and she said no.
[ Reply | Options ]Yes I do, in a polite way. As is: "Please pick up John from school, b/c his Mom is not well and asked for help". It's one-off and I expect my nanny from time to time to do (reasonable) things that are not part of the regular routine. She's not a slave, but she's my employee and I pay for her time. Personally, I'd have a talk with my nanny if she did what the OP's nanny did.
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I agree potentially being exposed to swine flu is a good point. But to the other point: how is it not her job to do a favor her employer asked her to, once. She is not a slave, she is an employee.
[ Reply | Options ]I wonder if her employer is so nonchalant about asking her to do this, though--and shocked that she refused--what other "favors" her employer asks her to do. I have no idea what is going on in this situation, obviously, but there are many unreasonable employers (as well as employees).
[ Reply | Options ]I ask her to do nothing. She stopped taking out the garbage months ago, I never said a word. She now leaves her dirty dishes in the sink, I let it go. She comes late 3 times a week, at least. I have had her for 6 years, and she has been good, but she is pissing me off every single day more and more. Today's incident makes my blood boil - not because she should have said, "of course, anything you say", but she literally walked out and said, she was not going.
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I think she's beyond the expiration date. Being a nanny is a boring and repetitive job with no career path. It always comes a point when performance deteriorates and it's the beginning of the end. For some nannies is 2 years, others 4, but the time always come. Time to let her go.
[ Reply | Options ]How do I do it? Now? My kids will be accounted for in June from 8-3. Do I wait until then, or do this now. Please help.
[ Reply | Options ]This is a bit of a tricky one, as you'd have to hire someone only for a few months. If I was you, I'd let her know that you are not happy with her performance any more. That you expect her to do X, Y, Z (and that includes trash and dirty dishes). You can start with "You know that we love you very much, BUT ....". Chances are that you'll notice a short term improvement, then back to where you are, at which time you repeat. It may take you to the early Summer. From what you say, she's paid well and has tons of vacation. Unlikely she'll leave you. I'd also start doing spot checks, so that she understands she has to be on her best behaviour all the time.
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Slave??? Oh please. She is overpaid, has the cushiest job, and I think should not have an attitude when I ask her for a favor, that would not be a big deal for her. Seriously, you think SLAVE???
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How generous of you to want to exposure your nanny who has the swine flu. I think her response was completely appropriate.
[ Reply | Options ]ITA, what would you do if you nanny actually got the flu and had to be out of work for two weeks, you might actually have to do something for yourself, weird!
[ Reply | Options ]She gets six weeks vacation. I would take off if she was sick - it's not a big deal. She had "back problems" a few months ago and was out for 10 days. It worked out perfectly between me, my husband and my in-laws. What are you suggesting, I don't do anything myself? I do HER dishes, and take out HER trash.
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I can see why your nanny did not want to get near the mom with swine flu. That said, I am surprised you guys couldn't reach a compromise, like the kid coming downstairs himself so your nanny didn't need to go into the apartment.
[ Reply | Options ]The swine flu mom was waiting on the corner - outside the building!!! I would never have her go upstairs to the swine flu apartment!!! This was purely about her being a lazy ass, and not wanting to be inconvenienced, and not wanting to help me.
[ Reply | Options ]you sound pretty bitchy. you do have to wonder why she doesn't want to help you...
[ Reply | Options ]I might sounds bitchy, because I am furious the more I think about this and justify it to all of you - you should see it for what it is - she completely defied me, did not give a shit about telling me to go F myself. I do everything for this women - there should have been a better negotiation, she chose to simply say NO.
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I am obviously furious about this, but am I over-reacting!!! Was her response seriously appropriate to me? Do I get rid of her or look back at the past six years and shut up and be happy?
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NP: You committed her to doing something that isn't in her job description without asking her first. Wouldn't you be annoyed if your boss did that to you?
[ Reply | Options ]I did not commit her. I ASKED her if she would do it. She said no. Then I did it myself. I never said, "DO THIS". I said, "can you do me a huge favor and please help so and so, who is really sick, it is only two blocks out of your way", walk-on-eggshells, mousey, mousey, beg beg, etc.
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I have worked as a nanny, so I've dealt with plenty of crazy moms, *but* if what you're saying is all true--and you're not exaggerating--it seems like you probably need a new nanny. it was nice of you to offer to help out the sick mom. have you had other problems with this nanny?
[ Reply | Options ]I have been having a lot of problems with her lately. So tell me, do nannies, like everyone, simply get burnt out? After six years, is she just done? Little by little, the things she used to do are slowly no more.
[ Reply | Options ]I think she probably is burnt out, because if she didn't have a bad attitude when you hired her, it has developed. Maybe you need to lay her off? If your DCs are older now, you might want to get a college student or someone younger--he she may not be a great cook or do laundry, but by being 20 or 22 years old, lets most things just roll off.
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Wow, thats the way you speak about someone who has cared for your children for 6 years? She couldn't of been all that bad if you have kept her on all this time-or were just too lazy to search for someone new...therefore subjecting your children to subpar care all this time. I dont even think this is a Nanny/mom issue anymore...it sounds like you dont respect her and she doesnt respect you and on some level you both enjoy pissing each other off. If your children are in school all day maybe you could look for other options-like an afterschool program until you can pick them up. This isnt healthy to walk around resentful all day. As for the swine flu issue-you dont really want to take the chance for this to be brought into your home infecting your children...that would be a nightmare. As nice as you may want to be to your friend-she shouldnt impose on you in that way...time to call grammy or have daddy take a day off.
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BTDT after about 4.5yrs with our last nanny. She simply got burnt out. She was amazing for 4 years - really the best. Then she wasn't anymore. Started being late, not getting basic things done, hitting me up for more and more money. It was obvious she was ready to move on. It was hard for me, but somehow I was able to move past the anger and part on good terms for my kids' sake. Though honestly she really, really took advantage and was inappropriate and dishonest at the very end. But she was amazing, kind, loving, and reliable for 4yrs. That meant a lot. Burn out is common in this fiield and it's easier to accept that than take it personally. That said, I would give her a nice severance, part amicably, but not give her a glowing reference for further childcare jobs.
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You cannot cross-train if you are firing someone. Also, how old are your kids? If they are school-aged, you don't really need to "train"--nanny will learn about how your dishwasher works or what DD needds to bring to soccer practice.
[ Reply | Options ]Back up a minute here, OP. Your original posting said other mommy asked YOU to pick up other kid. Then YOU volunteered to do so. Nowhere in there do I read what you really MEANT was you would volunteer someone else to do the job YOU volunteered to do. Get off your nanny's back. Take responsibility for what you said YOU were going to do.
[ Reply | Options ]YES - I said "I" would do it. And then I asked my nanny, who sits around all day not taking out my garbage and doing my dishes, or laundry, as she once did, if she could walk two blocks out of her way to help a mommy friend who is very sick, and help ME given I work to pay her to sit around. I DID then leave my job, my office and spent $40 on cabs to get the kid to school, and she knew that was what I was doing, and still left. She could have helped me. I hate her more and more after fighting with all of you here and just re-hashing this total bull shit. Thankfully, one or two of you understand, so thank you.
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I found someone via employer posted ad on craigslist, but in between trialed two people who were not a good fit. yes, we cross-trained because we did not fire our nanny of 4.5yrs. We had a heart-to-heart and agree that things were not working and we wanted to part as friends (she still sits for us occasionally now 2yrs later). Kids are 2, 7, 9yo. this was just after birth of our 3rd dc which was a big factor - old nanny really did not want to do the baby thing again. We did not "need" to have a crossover, but it was certainly a lot nicer for the kids and our new nanny to understand the whole situation honestly.
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I think you and your nanny are trapped in some strange, dysfunctional power struggle where she hates working for you but doesn't quit and you don't fire her because you like all the drama and complaining to your "mommy friends" about the latest nanny crisis. And it can't be healthy for your kids.
[ Reply | Options ]I have no idea, based on your OP or replies, why you continue to employ this nanny - whom you obviously dislike, distrust, and resent. In addition, you feel she is grossly overpaid, underworked, lazy, unpleasant, has a poor work ethic, and a bad attitude. Regardless of her tenure or your perceived attachement of your dc, you have given ZERO reason for continuing to employ this woman beyond poor judgment on your part.
[ Reply | Options ]You were very wrong asking your nanny to potentially expose herself; she your nanny, not your handmaiden. Show more respect for her wishes. If I were a nanny, you would never be my employer.
[ Reply | Options ]oh please, those of you who feel sorry for this nanny - you are obviously nannies yourself, not employers of nannies, and have ridiculously high expectations for how your employer should treat you - NP was completely within her rights to request that her nanny do this for her, and the nanny has a bad attitude and probably should work elsewhere
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Here is the thing. You are not happy with someone working for you who you were happy with for a long time. Is she slacking? Are you expecting too much? WHO KNOWS but it is time to part ways in a way that is kind and respectful to both of you. Let her go as soon as you are able to -- can you line up after-school daycare or some other option for the time being? OR can you talk to her about some of the probelms you two seem to be having?
[ Reply | Options ]These replies are sad - HAVE you never needing a helping hand? This mother was kind enough to offer her nanny to help a mother in need to get her child to school. My nanny often runs personal errands while my kids are in school - while I would not ask her to " keep" someone's child I expect her to pick them up or drop them off when someone needs a favor. If my nanny said "no" Id be so upset - we often help our nanny too and it must go both ways!
[ Reply | Options ]I can't believe the answers that I am reading here. Yes, when hired, there were certain expectations set regarding responsibilities. However, being flexible once in a while is not too much to ask. Picking up a friend is no big deal as long as she does not have to babysit the kid for a long period of time. If I am asked at work to do something that is outside of my day to day duties, yet i can do and it's similiar to my day to day responsibilities, I wouldn't even imagine saying no. Would expect the same of my nanny as it is just as much of a job as anything else.
[ Reply | Options ]You can't believe that there can be two points of view? Why do you assume that yours is the right one and mine is not? My nanny would have the right to say no in this case and I would not be surprised, hurt, or disappointed. Yours, I assume, would not and you expect her to do the favor for you. Neither one of us is right or wrong here. I would just not do it the way you would do it.
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I think your nanny had a right to say "no", you have a right to expect more. You have to sit down and talk and see if you both are on the same page. If you expect a nanny to be flexible and step in and she doesn't want to or she thinks how dare you had asked her that, you have to part your ways and move on.
[ Reply | Options ]I don't know... I just don't think it is right to commit anyone to doing something without checking with them first. It just doesn't seem respectful. I realize you are the employer and she is the employee but she still deserves some modicum of respect. Then, when you throw in the possibility of swine flu exposure, it seems even less respectful. Just a mom weighing in...
[ Reply | Options ]I would start looking for new nanny. Make sure next one understands job description includes occasionaly asking for help with respect to friends' children. I happen to agree with you that asking her was completely appropriate. I think her response sounds insolent. She is your employee and she is not respecting you.
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