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It seems like anyone who has kids before 30 gets automatically flamed on here. Why so? Is it so unrealistic that even educated and clever urban people find love and decide to start a family early on? Just curious.
107 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]I think it's that whole Sex and the City mentality.... you know, "I'm going to party and live it up with my girlfriends and settle down when I'm 40." I think people are starting to gradually move away from that, and young motherhood is making a comeback.
[ Reply | Options ]I think that is unfair; some people are not partying but are instead attending graduate, medical, or law school and working on getting to a certain level in their career before they have kids. I got married in my early 20s but waited 10 years to have kids until I made enough money to make sure I would have the choice about whether to be SAHM, and to be able to support myself and my children if something happened to my marriage or my husband died.
[ Reply | Options ]I hear that a lot from women, and it sucks. It's so unfortunate that so many women postpone motherhood because they are unsure about the future of their marriage. It seems like a bad way to go.
[ Reply | Options ]My marriage is perfectly stable, I just don't want to be forced to be dependent on someone. Why is this such a foreign concept?
[ Reply | Options ]Marriage is a partnership. It's a codependency between husband and wife, who hopefully work together to create the best life for their kids. I think this notion of dependency is what causes a lot of marriages to fail.
[ Reply | Options ]Ita with this. Just because one partner makes money doesn't mean the other partner depends on them. Codependency and partnership is a nice way to put it.
[ Reply | Options ]Yes, it means that a woman is financially dependent on her husband. There is nothing wrong with this if you are comfortable with it, but some people are not. I'm not disparaging anyone, just stating why I chose to wait. Do you have a problem with opinions that differ from your own?
[ Reply | Options ]If you keep your finances separate, and your husband gives you an "allowance," perhaps then you are financially dependent. But if you work as a team, have completely shared finances, there is no dependency, just different roles and responsibilities that each partner brings to the relationship.
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Nothing wrong with postponing motherhood. I know many who also just waited because they didn't want the burden of kids yet and yes = didn't want to change their lifestyle and you know what? There is nothing wrong with that. We all have choices. No way did I want children in my 20s
[ Reply | Options ]OP here - I agree with this. But it seems like women who make the choice to wait until they are older are hailed as wise, independent, liberated, and those who make the choice to have kids young are viewed as small-minded and provincial.
[ Reply | Options ]well, younger moms are likely to be less independent, at least financially, but calling them small-minded is just insulting
[ Reply | Options ]Really? We are not talking about teen moms here, but rather women in their 20s. At 25, when I had my first, I had a B.S. and an M.A. from an Ivy, and great job, which is not too unusual for women in the city. I was never on an accelerated track in school.
[ Reply | Options ]It's not quite as usual as you think, even in NYC. On average, it takes students 6 years now to earn a bachelor's because of study abroad, taking a semester off, switching majors. You sound like a very accomplished 25 year old, but there are many different career tracks. Doctors are not finished with their education by 25 and many people haven't started an MBA by 25 because top schools prefer a few years of work experience.
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Granny mom here and I agree with OP. I think if you out yourself as being under 30 with kids you are perceived to be a hick. I think they are jealous.
[ Reply | Options ]I don't think they are hicks but I'm certainly not jealous of them either. Not everyone wants to become a mother when they are that young.
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I think "adulthood" keeps getting pushed farther and farther into the future. The twenties are not regarded as this time of extended adolescence by many people, and I think the thirties are starting to get there too.
[ Reply | Options ]I wouldn't say that's a big factor here. Most people I know who had children in their mid-late thirties weren't "delaying adolescence" but rather working at really intense careers. I know it's possible to have a baby while you're a medical resident, but it's not a terrific option for most people...
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of course it's young. You certainly can't say it's old. It's on the young side to have a child - you can do math right? Not saying it's wrong but it is young
[ Reply | Options ]According to the CDC, the average age of first-time moms was 25.2 years. So not particularly young--it's actually just about average!
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Yeah, but those stats are not for college-educated women. From my experience in a big city as a 25-year-old mom--I always felt as if all of the moms were either ten years older than me or ten years younger. Very few in between, I found, and very few college-educated moms under 30.
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I don't understand it. We were 10 years younger than the next youngest parents at my son's preschool. I get mistaken for his nanny constantly, and initially I think our age makes other parents a little wary of us. People warm up to us after they get to know us, but the age thing can be so irritating. At doctor's offices, at the first visit they often ask me for my medicaid card. Or people assume I am a single, unwed mom. I have a PhD, my husband has an MD, and we both have great jobs. Strangers here definitely assume the worst about us.
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Not to be mean, but what's your appearance like? It may not be just because you're young, but if you don't dress nicely and aren't well groomed, you probably are not making a great first impression. If it didn't bother you, I'd say who cares, but it's obvious this bothers you, so there are steps you can take to change people's perception of you.
[ Reply | Options ]Pretty nice--I'm a professor, so I have to dress to teach. Blazers, nice shoes, etc--modern lines, though. Part of the problem is that I look even younger than my age. It's not unusual for me to get mistaken for an undergrad sometimes, especially because a lot of them dress up. At the park on the weekends, when I'm wearing jeans, I'm sure my clothes don't help, but I can live with that in return for being comfy!
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ignore her. she is probably mistaken for her child's grandmother, and it naturally puts her in a bad mood.
[ Reply | Options ]I guess I'm old enough to be a white trash grandmother since I am in my early 30s but only you and OR would make that mistake in NYC.
[ Reply | Options ]i am 38 years old and have a 2 year old. i think it is sad that women like you are so jealous of younger mothers. there are plenty of great things about being an older mom, so why so bitter? it's interesting how quickly you jump to name-calling--saying someone is narcissistic because she says she looks young, talking about white trash grandmothers... you sound like a sad and angry woman.
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How would you have phrased that so it is not a VBA? I was just trying to describe the way I dress (pretty nicely, and I brush my hair in the morning).
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How on earth would you know that I am "wearing" the wrong thing? As I said, what I wear is typical in my field. Even if I looked my age--which is still under 30--I would be young for a NYC parent. Go flame elsewhere.
[ Reply | Options ]Is looking young part of your identity because it sounds like it is to me. Very unhealthy. Have fun with your midlife crisis.
[ Reply | Options ]As I said, I dislike being treated differently because of my age. This post is about moms under 30 getting flamed on this site--and you are illustrating this perfectly. I will be perfectly happy to get older. It sounds like you may be a little unhappy with your own age, though, hence the need for snarkiness. I hope your midlife crisis ends soon!
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why should she? So silly to go by those rules - unless of course you are a rules person. I'll be in jeans and long sleeve ts into my 50s
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This used to happen to me. It will pass, and then you will miss these days! Enjoy looking young while you can.
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Nah, it is not so unrealistic. But people have a vested interest in believing that the choices they make are the best ones possible. Since women tend to have children late in NYC, it's important to many of them to believe that having children younger would have been a terrible idea. Hence, moms under 30 get flamed. This also goes for older moms!
[ Reply | Options ]I had kids at 27, 39 and 41. I would have given my right arm or more to be a "younger" mom--and starting at 28 or 29 is not that young. I am insanely jealous of you. Yes I had an intense academic and professional background but I did NOT wait. Always looking--it just never worked out earlier. Enjoy!
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ITA, kids 36 and 38, dh made us wait just because everybody else was doing it too. we could have done this a lot earlier, and be off to europe or travelling the u.s. in an airstream a lot earlier too instead of putting these kids thru college and probably grad school too when we're officially in retirement age.
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I didn't have my first until after 30 but I got married at 23. I've gotten enough bad reactions that I try no to mention how long DH and I have been married. I didn't realize how sad that sounded until I typed it out...
[ Reply | Options ]I had my first at 39-a total surprise after over 10 yrs of marriage w/plenty of unprotected sex/no birth control. It just finally happened. We had another, 2 yrs later. It's been great. My sister had her 1st at 19,second at 23. It's been great for her too. I don't get the whole age thing; we all have different experiences-so what?That's what makes life so interesting.
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ITTTTTtA!! But basically UB doesn't like a person to have a baby until only a handful of wizened eggs are left. This is the typical response to pregnancy at different ages on UB: ages 12-18 WAY TOO YOUNG, TEEN MOM (i agree)||| 18-22 Way too young, you should be in college,||| 23-26 honey, you're way too young, who cares if your fertility is at its prime, you should be doing a master's/MD/JD/MBA!||| 27-30 honey, u need to keep ignoring your fertility because it's time for you to concentrate on your CAREER! we need to make money to earn for our future nannies, right?? also make sure you "travel the world" |||30-33 while you're thinking "omg i'm effing 30! find me a man to marry!" people here will tell you that most 37 yo men don't care about the 25 yo chick, they only want girls who are their age or preferably older. |||34-37 UB: the doctor says you're advanced maternal age! no way! umm..ya just ignore that part..i had quadruplets at 34...and didn't even use clomid. 37-41 UB: dont believe the fact that your fertility is dropping like a rock! i would rather be undergoing ten IVF treatments now rather than have missed my time travelling (actually more like a 2 week vacation) 10 years ago. |||41-46 even though people on UB secretly know that the woman's eggs are raisins now, UB will just tell the woman that they knew someone who had triplets at 46 WITHOUT donor eggs! |||46-50 ok finally UB people decide to stop lying and say "are you serious? you're a "GRANNY mom"! u should have had your kids at 30!" of course a few liars will still add that there's a 69 yo romanian woman who had kids or something and it's ok because men do all the time. -*
[ Reply | Options ]the 25 yo coed, and they prefer girls to be their age, or slightly older. |||34-37 you're advanced maternal age? umm...ok let's ignore that and talk about my girlfriend who had a healthy kid at 37 while her 20 yo sis had siamese twins.|||38-41 your fertility is dropping like a rock? no wayy..um use IUI or IVF! i have 2 dcs and i am mrs. happy |||41-45 uh... don't worry hun, my friend had triplet babies WITHOUT donor eggs! |||46-50 ok finally everyone gets sick of lying, and says "damn u should have thought of kids 20 years back". then the woman's like "but..but...i followed UB and got 3 graduate degrees!ppl told me that david letterman can have kids at 58, so i could too!" of course girl with all these degrees still hasn't learned that no matter how feminist we get,biologically we do not have the same reproductive leverage as men. oh well...i did enjoy making those spreadsheets and going on that carnival cruise.
[ Reply | Options ]matter how feminist we get,biologically we do not have the same reproductive leverage as men. fictional UB girl, "oh well...i did enjoy making those spreadsheets and going on that carnival cruise." btw please no comments on my punctuation or awesome grammar. at least i have a DB..who is 99x3 and at DALTONNNN..HOLLA
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you are one weird sicko. I happen to agree with OP and posted as much above (though I am an older mom), wishing her well and telling her I wish it had happened to me that way. You who feel the need to rail here? Don't you have any friends from the barrio to discuss this with? Hope your fictional Dalton db didn't get your wacko mean genes.
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People here think they are the greatest and their kids are the greatest. They think hat they found the perfect balance between careers and family and anyone that might look happier or more successful gets flamed.
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