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for those of you who have been BOTH sahm and wohm, which is tougher? why? currently sahm but considering going back to work, i'd like to hear from those who have done both. TIA
71 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]i've been in and out of work since first dc was born. four periods as a sahm, i've done the wohm f/t, wohm p/t, and wah. bottom line is that there's no easier or harder. but there are pros and cons. here are some of them. woh gets you out of the house, gets you dressed every day, gets you talking to adults. it can also add additional stress (depending on the job), it can be really hard to juggle work and home, and it's very dependant on good childcare. sahm can be very fulfilling but also very monotonous and draining. it can be incredibly hard work or it can be very boring. a lot depends on the age of the child adn number of kids. i tend to think of wohm being easier on high energy women and sahm easier on people who can't run out to work and then also handle the household. just the commute knocked me out very much. and lastly, bear in mind that both situations are made much easier if you have money to make your life easier.
[ Reply | Options ]you know what is the toughest? living life as a contest. nobody has an easy life. you're not in competition.
[ Reply | Options ]I'm a WOHM, never been a SAHM BUT I would have to say that the age of your children is a huge factor on which is easier and as an above poster said, your financial situation and ability to pay for help (housekeeping, babysitting) whether you WOH or SAH
[ Reply | Options ]mine are 1 and 3 and i am sahm, get only 6 hours a week to myself with sitters, preschool. it is so hard!!! my friend is wohm and she thinks she has it tougher. i disagree
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I don't usually rest during those hours! that's when i buy groceries, go to doctors appts, pay bills, do laundry, etc. although i do all that with dcs, too, it's just easier to buy a whole week's groceries or whatever without 2 little ones with you. those six hours are not together, spread out b/w 2 different days. 6 hours altogether would be heaven.
[ Reply | Options ]So why do you disagree with your friend? It seems to me that a WOHM would have to do all those things, too. Just asking. TTC'ing so I have no dog in this race.
[ Reply | Options ]i just know that when i did work part time when i had 1 dc, the hours at the office were not physically draining like keeping 1 or small dcs. usually, a day at the office was refreshing compared to being at home with kids all day --- it's a lot of work and wears you out, i guess it's just a lot more intense to be constantly watching, feeding, playing with, changing, your kids, etc. no free time at all when you are a caretaker, esp. with demanding kids
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done both. WOHM and SAHM with no help are both equally hard. SAHM with any help is a vacation. sorry, it's true.
[ Reply | Options ]LOL. For my birthday I had a babysitter over for four hours while I went to the spa. I loved it, but it's not something I would do reguarly. Otherwise, why bother SAH?
[ Reply | Options ]It depends on what you define as help. When I was a SAHM, I had a cleaning person 1x a week - it absolutely made my life easier, but not a "vacation". I also had a "date night" babysitter, who I could call on sometimes to watch DB so I could go to a doctor's appt, but that was it. DC has classmates whose families have one FT nanny per DC and a housekeeper/cook with a SAHM - that's a different story.
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did you feel that way when your kids were 3 and less than 1? you had no help and sahm? b/c those ages are so much tougher than 6 and 3
[ Reply | Options ]Well, it was harder, certainly, b/c DH works in BigLaw so I'm home by myself. But I always wanted kids and I'm TTC'ing now, so I'm doing exactly what I want to do and I am very happy doing it.
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I WOH before DCs but have been a SAHM since DCs. I don't know if it's easier than being a WOHM, but I also feel like this is what I signed up for, so why pawn off my kids to a regular babysitter if I wanted to SAH? Don't get me wrong, my mom babysits for me on occasion and I need a break but I just understand the point of having a nanny when you're a SAHM.
[ Reply | Options ]you made it sound like you only had help on your birthday. if your mom regularly helps you out, you are pawning off your kids to a regular babysitter. OP was about sahm vs. wohm, not whether a sahm needs a nanny. you have a part time nanny in your mom so don't complain about other sahms
[ Reply | Options ]She helps me out maybe once a month, so more frequent than my birthday but less frequent than someone to come in all day or half a day every day.
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you are judging others for "pawning" their kids. if they need regular help, they need it. some people don't have the luxury of a mother like yours, and unfortunately, sometimes you have to hire someone to work regularly if you want help, esp. part-time. if your child is 6 and in school, and you have a 3 year old, you have it very easy imo. try having a 2 year old and a 1 month old baby, that is me, i am sahm and have part time help 2 days a week and it is infuriating that you look down on that. my dh never helps me with kids, either.
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I am OR. I work p/t, the days I am home I have no help. Nanny comes only on days I work. Both days working and being home alone with dcs are equally exhausting. I was on extended maternity leave, where nanny came on the days I would normally work. It was so relaxing. Older dc at school for part of day and nanny was with newborn. I read, watched DVDs, took walks and ran errands at my leisure. I was able to spend time with dcs one on one, at my discretion, which is significantly easier than balancing the schedules of 2-3 dcs, on your own. After experiencing this, I have a different view of moms with help, even 2-3 days/week, who don't work. They just have no idea how much easier their lives are than those of true SAHMs and WOHMs.
[ Reply | Options ]Spa Mom: OK, I think I'm catching flak for your original comments. I also think it's different to work PT and be home PT, because you're getting the best of both worlds. A lot of SAHMs feel like they get no break, which you do in fact get on the days you're WOH. I feel like I get no break, too, but this is what I wanted so I am happy to do it.
[ Reply | Options ]Sorry about that! People tell me I have the best of both, but it is exhausting nonetheless! Needless to say, I have total respect for true SAHMs (no help) and WOHMs. Gotta run home now and relieve the nanny, prepare dinner, and get ready for bedtime (see what I mean?). I'll try and check back at some point this weekend or Monday.
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I think WOHM is harder because we have to do everything SAHMs do in a shorter period of time. Just my IMHO.
[ Reply | Options ]I don't know, it depends on your job. I'm a WOHM and my income pays for day care 3x/wk, nanny 2x/wk, babysitter most Sat nights and a housekeeper 2x a week, college fund for ds, and vacations several times a year. If I was a SAHM on one income (in this area) I would have many more banal chores to do at home. So I think finances have a lot to do with which is easier.
[ Reply | Options ]what do you have to do in a shorter period of time that a sahm has to do? have you ever been sahm?
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were your hours as sahm not more physicall draining as sahm? also, if you only have 1 child, it's not that different, but when you get small 2dcs as sahm, it's much more demanding, and i think the posts reflect that. both are hard, but a lot of it depends on work and ages and children, and if there is more than 1 dc
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I am a SAHM with 3DCs under 3 with no help and some days I just want to bash my head into a wall. Although, I can't imagine balancing their schedules with my work schedule would be a walk in the park either.
[ Reply | Options ]i feel for you and feel the same. i am sahm with 1yo and 3yo. i just think an office job and getting to have lunch and not feed other little people at the same time, actually go to the bathroom alone, etc. all day would be a cakewalk compared to keeping 2 or 3 little ones all day.
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You are me in a few weeks. Any advice on how to cope? Although I do get out and have a p/t job every Sat night for 4 hours, its my me time and its great!
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depends on the job, ages and number of children, your situation. no easy answer. if you just need some relief, get part time help and/or work part-time. going back to work full time wohm is hard, esp. if your dcs are small
[ Reply | Options ]OP: after these responses, and thinking it over, i think i don't want to be full time wohm. we could use the money and it would be nice in some ways, but i would miss my 2 dds so much. i want to be with them the majority of the time. i think i want to try and work part-time until the youngest starts K. i just don't want to get out of the loop altogether as i do intend on going back to work some day, question is when
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i think just reading about full time wohms and seriously thinking about how much less i would see my dds, although in some ways it might be easier, in other ways it would be harder --- esp. not being with them. i mean, i miss them now if they spend the night with my mom. i miss them when i do have help. i'd really miss them if i was wohm 5 days a week! also, the posts about part-time wohm seem to be the happiest
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I've done SAH, ft WOH, and pt WOH. For me it's a no brainer that pt WOH was the best and easiest combo - physically and mentally. I found SAH to be "easier" in the sense that it was less pressure and more flexibility. And the times I SAH with help were truly a breeze. But I also found it boring, repetitive, and depressing - but that's just my personality. WOH is a better fit for me. I do WOH pt b/c I have 3dc and 2 are school age so they need me around much more now (contrary to what you think when you have only infants/toddlers).
[ Reply | Options ]how do you do WOH part time? do you mind telling what you do? why do the kids need you more now that they are school age? i'm really interested in your answer
[ Reply | Options ]I'm a doctor and work pt. When I had 3rd dc I dropped to about 50%, now he's 2yo and I'm gradually going back up to about 80% which is my perfect range. Older dc need you there more. It's the afterschool homework and being involved with the day-to-day events of their lives. If you want them to feel comfortable discussing social pressures, peer issues, academic struggles, you need to feel connected. Any kind and responsible caregiver can care for an infant/toddler well. But as kids hit 6 or 7yo, they recognize the need for Mom or Dad too. Even a great nanny can't provide the same emotional/academic support as a parent. I suppose the academic issue could be solved with a tutor, but at $100 or more/hour, that isn't a reasonable option for us.
[ Reply | Options ]ITTTTTA. I also WOH PT. On the 2 days when DC stays at afterschool and I pick her up at 6pm, she's exhausted - all she wants is to have dinner and go to bed and I hear nothing about her day (HW is done at afterschool). On the days when I pick her up at 3, she's more than happy to tell me all about her day - who she had lunch with, what they talked about, etc. I also supervise her HW and have a much better idea of what she's doing in class.
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I WOHM through the school year and SAHM in the summer. I think SAHM is much harder, but I love that time with my child too. I love my work and have a lot of fun during my day, so work almost seems like a vacation. SAHM is exhausting, but at the same time it is awesome to get to see your child all day. For me, three months of the year at home is just about right!
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college kids and grad students. they are great, and my schedule is probably more flexible than a lot of k-12 teachers (since my classes are infrequent). eventually i will probably need to start doing research full time over the summer, but for the last few years i have been able to duck out!
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SAHM is tougher for me. I do everything I did before as a mom, but being in an adult environment from 7am till 5pm is so much easier than being with my kids all day (and all night). Don't get me wrong, love my kids, but I do more with them, in terms of stimulating activities, projects etc, when I have a chance to be myself at work first. But it's different for different people. The money also helps greatly with my relationship with DH.
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