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  • advice please: trying to be fair to MIL but not at my own expense. i live in the burbs 2 minutes from my family. DH's family lives in the city, 45 minutes away. Due to give birth to #2 in 2 weeks. Our plan was when I go into labor, my mom will come stay at my house with my 3 year old. MIL wants to be involved but I REALLY dont want a house guest (not even having a baby nurse). How do I preserve my sanity (MIL is difficult) while being fair and sensitive to the fact that my parents are right here and she does not live close by. Do I have to let her stay with me? My parents have offered for her to stay with them, but she does not want that.. and it would be weird to have her stay at my parent's house when my mom is staying at my house with my daughter while i'm at hosp... any suggestions? My MIL sort of means well, i guess, but she does passive aggressive things (i.e. she does not support the fact that i nurse and with #1 did things behind my back like give #1 a paci without my permission and make snide remarks about my nursing. she drives me crazy.....

    20 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]
    11.04.09, 05:14 PM [ Flag ]

    • why not have her come stay in your house with your 3yo until you get home?

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      11.04.09, 05:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]

      • op: when i go into labor, my mom will be able to get here in 2 minutes.. she's at least 45 minutes away....

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        11.04.09, 05:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]

        • op: i also thinks she has it in her head that she want to stick around awhile once baby comes... which i do understand.. just dont want her living with me!!!!

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          11.04.09, 05:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]

        • i think that if you don't want to have her come once you get home, you have to find something else for her to do. let your mom take your dd for that immediate couple of hours of labor and let your mil stay in your house with dd for the rest of your hospital stay. it should be one more night and a full day.

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          11.04.09, 05:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]

          • and then ask her if she can do something like come on tuesdays, take dd out for an hour and bring dinner. think of somethign very specific that will be helpful to you.

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            11.04.09, 05:22 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]

    • how about asking MIL to come to the burbs, pick up your dd, and bring her to the hospital to meet her new sibling? It's a significant event, they can go out to lunch afterwards, and your mil will feel involved, without infringing on your plan.

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      11.04.09, 05:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]

    • You just gave birth so you being comfortable is the most important thing. If you don't want her to stay with you just say so. However she reacts is her problem. When I had my first my MIL came and helped and was awesome. My mom came and was horrible. I told her to leave and come back in a few weeks when I felt better and could deal with having her around.

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      11.04.09, 05:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]

    • op here: for those of you who dont live close to either parent, have you let both sets of in laws stay at your house? what have you done?

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      11.04.09, 05:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]

      • Honestly, my own opinion has been "I'm the one who just gave birth so I'm entitled to having my mom be with me." The thing I guess I think is funny is that 45 minutes isn't THAT far away, so why doesn't your MIL come to visit every other day for a week, but juts for a few hours and then go home and sleep in her own bed?!

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        11.04.09, 05:33 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]

        • i would bite the bullet on this one. i assume your mom came to help when you had #1 so now it's MIL's turn. Your mom can come when you go into labor so someone is there to watch #1 and then MIL can come out and they can have a nice visit and your mom can go home and since she lives so close can stop by daily to say hi and visit. think about it; if you have a son eventually this will be the case for you. even steven. you're cranky because your preggers and MIL is a pain but she does want to be there for you and probably has no life. i say just do it but make it clear it will only be for whatever time limit is your threshold.

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          11.04.09, 06:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]

        • np: love the idea of having your MIL pick up dd and bringing her to the hospital. You can also turn it around and say to MIL: "It will be great for us, especially dd, to have you there when db is born. I think it will be so noisy at night though that you will probably be more comfortable sleeping in your home where you may actually get some sleep. Our house is going to be so chaotic that it would be more helpful to have at least one person who's slept and rested!". could work.

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          11.04.09, 06:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]

    • Ultimately the whole stress of a newborn will go over much better if you lay out the scenario the way it will work best for you. You're MIL will just have to deal with it. She's had her children. The shots are not hers to call. You need to get your husband on board with this. It is his job to manage her. You'll have to do it if he can't...but he really should do it. I wouldn't have wanted my MIL around constantly when my baby was born. My breasts were out on display all day long while breastfeeding. I am not familiar enough, in the true sense of the word, with my MIL to be naked in front of her continuously. Like someone else said, she's only 45 min away. She can hoof it in and out of the city for day visits, visit briefly with the newborn, occupy your 3yo. You're mom can then deal with newborn and you can sleep.

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      11.04.09, 06:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]

      • Agree it's OP's call to make, but can't the approach just be a bit more tempered? Why so vehemently confrontational? Only 45 mins. What if you were the dh not the dw and it was your mother? Just add a little sensitivity.

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        11.04.09, 07:35 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]

      • ITA here. It's your pregnancy and ultimately you have to set the boundaries clearly now, otherwise you'll set a precedent. Of course she wants to spend time with the baby, but 45 minutes is not a big drive, really. And if she can't understand that a new mother might not want house guests, that's her problem. Do what's best for you and the baby.

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        11.04.09, 07:39 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]

    • maybe have mil take 3 year old home with her for a sleepover?

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      11.04.09, 07:40 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]

      • this is a good idea too. I posted above about letting MIL bring dd to the hospital to meet the sibling, but a sleepover before the baby is born, and/or maybe one after would allow MIL to "help" dc#1 acclimate to having a new sibling.

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        11.04.09, 07:44 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]

      • op here: that;s not a bad idea, but i want my 3 year old's world to be sort of "normal" and i dont want her to feel shipped off. MIL's apt in NYC is not kid friendly at all... no toys.. .no safety measures....etc.

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        11.05.09, 05:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]

    • your mother in law is not a "house guest".

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      11.05.09, 05:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]

      • anyone who does not have a key and does not spend time on a regular basis at my house is a house guest. If I have to tell them where the sugar is and worry about what they're going to eat and where they are going to sleep....house guest.

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        11.05.09, 07:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
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