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I met my wonderful boyfriend two years ago when I moved to DC for grad school. Now I'm done with school, and I can't find a job here -- the jobs in my field are almost all in NYC. My boyfriend has two years left of grad school and he wants me to stay in DC, and find a random okay job. I really love him, but I'm not sure if I should make this professional sacrifice, especially since we're not engaged. (He says he wants to date for awhile more and know each other better before we get engaged. We're both 30). I'm really torn about what to do.
48 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]I agree. He doesn't think he's being selfish though...he is convinced I should be able to find something in DC. I've been trying for months and it's just much harder here for my field. But he thinks I should just look harder, it's frustrating.
[ Reply | Options ]he is asking you to limit yourself in your job hunt, but he is not limiting himself (with a proposal) -- not fair, don't do it.
[ Reply | Options ]Selfish people are entitled people. Of course, he doesn't think he's selfish. That's the proof he's selfish. If you're in your 30s, you have to think about your career, marriage and children. It's precious two years at this age! Drop this selfish man like a hot potato and fly away!
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This is an interesting question. You do realize that the path you are set on after school will be in good part determined by that first job, I hope. In fact, there was something in the news recently about how people graduating from college this year (and last) will have permanent damage to their careers because of the economy. You can minimize that damage by opening yourself to options of working in places like NYC, and not limiting yourself to DC. Your boyfriend is asking you to make a very significant career sacrifice and he is not committed to being engaged? These are the kinds of sacrifices MARRIED people make. I think your best move is to find the best possible position in NYC (where you can at least visit each other weekends). That is sacrifice enough. At least you are not moving to SF. Gee, maybe he should quit his last 2 years of school, so he can join you in NYC? Would anyone in their right mind consider THAT?
[ Reply | Options ]Would you expect the same thing if the situation were reversed? Would he agree to it? Seems like you have to decide what is more important. What if the relationship doesn't work and then you have done that for nothing. If he doesn't want a commitment I would take a job wherever you find it including NYC and if the relationship is strong enough, it can take it.
[ Reply | Options ]I agree with what the other posters have said. He's asking you to make a big sacrifice and committment to you but he's not willing to do teh same. I actually made a similar decision when I decided to move to be with my boyfriend at the time instead of coming back to NY after law school and finding a job. The difference was that we had a young baby and had been constantly talking about marriage, we just needed to physically be together which we hadn't been. There months after moving there he proposed and 8 months later we were married but I knew that's where we were headed when I took that step. If he had let me know that he still wanted to date for awhile more I absolutely would've come to NY without him and focused on myself until he was ready to truly commit.
[ Reply | Options ]a dh: Learning is a use it or lose it kind of thing. Especially early on. If what you say is true, there is no way I would do that. (But I find it hard to believe there is nothing you can do with your degree in DC.)
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Get a job in NYC. Visit him on weekends. It will be infinitely harder to get the same job in 2 years. Tell him that once you get married you will make these decisions jointly, but for now, you have to look out for your best interest.
[ Reply | Options ]Find the best job you can and commute to see him on the weekends if nothing available locally. If it is meant to be, it will happen. After you are engaged or married, you can sacrifice yourself professionally. Until then, it's not a good idea. Both you and he will respect you much more this way. Speaking from experience.
[ Reply | Options ]OP can you begin your job hunt in NYC and continue looking in DC, too? I believe at this point you should find your dream job and then you and your boyfriend can figure out the logistics then. But I do not think you should limit yourself as you are JUST out of school and the ecnoomy sucks. time to find the best job you can!
[ Reply | Options ]If he REALLY loves you then he should have your best interest in mind and respect your wishes. In this case is to let you go to NYC to make a go at your job prospects. Obviously he doesn't think HE can hack a commuting relationship (in his mind, you're not worth the hassle). I would look at his request for a blessing in disguise and see him, and his intentions, for what it is. HE'S not in it for the long run. HE does not have your best interest in mind. HE only wants the easy way out which is to "handcuff" you in DC while he waits to see if he wants to stay with you. Don't do it!!! Go to NYC and get on with your life. You studied this hard to make it so I wouldn't waste it by waiting around two years just to see if he'll commit to you.
[ Reply | Options ]I'm the OP. Wow, consensus! Thanks for all the great comments. I guess it does make sense for me to go to NYC and be long distance with him...it is just hard for me to see because (a) it's sad for me to move away from him and (b) I'm worried that moving means taking a step away from marriage. I don't want to wind up 33 and single in NYC (not that that's horrible, I know, I know) even if I do have a terrific job.
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ah, being mid-thirties and single in new york city isn't a great position. OP has to weigh that.
[ Reply | Options ]So, do you think it's better to cling onto to this selfish man and wait for his verdict after two years? How do you know this selfish man will not go for the greener pasture after he gets a job and his situation looks better? This self-centered man will always look out for what's best for HIM, not for her. He could move on with a younger woman who has "a job (career)" and more beautiful. What can she say to a prospective employer after two years if they asked what she was doing for two years after graduation? Should she say she was waiting for her uncommitted boyfriend to graduate (who eventually dumped her)? This could be a killer for her career move.
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Or, you can be 33, single, in DC and without the NYC job experience of the last 2 years.
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DON'T STAY. I made the exact same error, except the cities were different - he was in med school and ended up cheating/dumped me after two years. I was stuck with an ok job in a town where I had no friends or family. And I'd only taken the bar exam for that state, so I had to start from scratch and take the bar for NY. Unless you have a ring on your finger, DO NOT make life decisions with/for someone else.
[ Reply | Options ]thanks. I told him that I've exhausted my options in DC and need to start focusing on NYC...he basically whined and said "don't do it," and then refused to engage in a more serious conversation (other than to tell me I'm "not looking hard enough"). He sounds not ready to me. you are right.
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Look, my husband did this to his old girlfriend- asked her to move internationally with him, with no ring. The girl moved away with him, and after a year of living together on foreign turf, he dumps her. Oh yeah. They had been together for like 3 years, 1 year abroad and here she is in a foreign country, dumped. By the way, we were only together for 10 months before he proposed. Same guy, only like a year afterward. I'm sure she expected they would get married, or something. Just sayin'...if they aren't sure, they aren't sure.
[ Reply | Options ]I agree with the consensus that you should look in NYC as well as DC, and do the long-distance dating thing if necessary. If you've just graduated it's not the best time to compromise on the career front. While I think it's selfish of him to ask you to sacrifice, though, I don't necessarily think he's being selfish by not proposing. Two years isn't that long...I don't think it's unreasonable if he wants to date a little more before committing. In any case, a NYC - DC relationship is completely doable. Obviously, you should continue to look in DC as well as NY in case something comes up...
[ Reply | Options ]I'm just curious - why are you on this board? You obviously don't have children.
[ Reply | Options ]Every single poster gave great advice! these type of threads make me love UB! And i don't even have kids.
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UrbanBaby Asks...
Are you expecting something special from your dh for Valentine's Day?
- Yes, and he's in big trouble if he forgets.
- Yes, but it's not something I care about.
- No, thank goodness.
- No, and I'm already fuming. He's so unromantic!
- Don't know...
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