UrbanBaby - So my biological father is dying of what...

new post » see more posts »

So my biological father is dying of what will probably be ruled a murder. He was a troubled man that lead a troubled life. Very hurtful towards my mother, myself, his 2nd wife, their kids, for many years- physically, emotionally, verbally. Involved in drugs, drinking, you name it. I was adopted by my stepdad who is a wonderful father and has been for most of my life. Why am I sad? My biological father was never even a dad to me. I feel very confused, strange and kind of like 'what the h**l am I supposed to do with this?'
9 replies
[ Reply | Watch | Options ]
11.03.09, 09:34 PM [ Flag ]
- Because it won't be made right. He'll be gone, and it will be cemented in reality. I know what I'm talking about here, and I'm really sorry for you.
  [ Reply | Options ]
  11.03.09, 09:38 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
  - by made right, you mean, he never was the father he should have been and now never will be? If thats what you mean, then yes, you're totally right. I always kind of felt that one day we would talk. not have a father/daughter relationship, but talk. Ask questions, get answers. Nope. My poor mother is still terrified of him. Been about 20 yrs. still has nightmares, still fears for herself and family sometimes. I think she is relieved. Im confused, sad, sad mostly for his children... 21, 19, 11, but also b/c as horrible of a man as he was, he was someones something, someones daddy and he didnt deserve to go out like this.
    [ Reply | Options ]
    11.03.09, 09:47 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    - I think those of us who have a parent who cannot live up to the parent role (and in my case it is my mom)-- we have a tendency to try to shape the relationship into what society expects it to be. I have finally given up on mine. My mom made NASTY comments at my wedding (to dh, told him he was "getting a bad deal"), she put through a divorce to my dad weeks before our big wedding, although she had been talking (incessantly) about getting the divorce without taking action for 10 yrs. When my first db was born with a birth defect, she told me it would have been better if db had died during the (v difficult) delivery. I opened the door to many of the contacts and invited her in, and her response was always some form of psychological sabotage. I am so sorry for your loss. Try to recognize not every parent relationship fits the expected pattern. You are blessed to have the wonderful step father, and HE is your father. You are so lucky. I am sorry for your loss, again, and GL to you and your father. BTW I have a great dh and three loving and beautiful dcs, and I thank God for that every day.
      [ Reply | Options ]
      11.04.09, 08:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      - my mom is not going to live much longer either (serious health issues). I try to be good to her without expecting anything in return. I try to let go of any idealized view of what "should have been" -- that just was not her. GL to you. Sounds like he was lucky to have you.
        [ Reply | Options ]
        11.04.09, 09:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
- It's still a loss. Perhaps a loss of what could have been, not what was/is. You probably had fantasies (in an innocent sense) about your biological Dad for many years when he was not with you. Perhaps some of them involved a normal healthy relationship with him. Now that fantasy has become reality and tells you that will never be. Therapy helps.
  [ Reply | Options ]
  11.04.09, 08:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
  - I'm not sure therapy helps, actually. Having a great step dad probably helps more than therapy.Aiming for healthier relationships now with other people helps. Avoid any therapies where you are tempted to hash over what went wrong with relationship with biological father.
    [ Reply | Options ]
    11.04.09, 09:00 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    - op here: have done therapy. it did help, but i got out of it all that i could. now its just a matter of moving on. the sad part of this all, speaking to the first response post, is that my mother is just like yours. I really got the short end with both of my parents, but my step father really is my dad. I feel like I am betraying my dad a bit by being sad that my biological father is dying. (he is currently still alive, but in a deep coma.) The fantasy thing about wonder what could have been one day is 100% true. While i never wanted/expected a father/daughter relationship with him, he is my blood and some kind of contact would have been great. I, also, have a wonderful, loving dh and a precious baby girl. My life is great and I am thankful for it everyday. at the end of the day, father to me or not, its still sad that hes dying. Oh and my whole family is irritated with me that i even give two s**ts that my biological father is dying. ugh! stupid.
      [ Reply | Options ]
      11.04.09, 11:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
- think you are grieving for what you didn't have with this father. It sounds totally normal to be sad for what you lost while he was living his crazy life. Be easy on yourself and just go with it.
  [ Reply | Options ]
  11.04.09, 11:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
  - thank you.
    [ Reply | Options ]
    11.04.09, 08:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]