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I wish the parents would tell their kids not to ask their friends "why is your skin black?" or "why are your eyes small?" or "why are you fat?" or "why are you short?" or other questions about the physical features that assumes that certain body type/facial features/skin color is the norm.
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Ditto. I have, however, pulled my dc aside afterward and explained (in simple terms) that even though I know he meant no offense, asking about physical characteristics can hurt other peoples' feelings. We also emphasize that God made every one of us different, and every one of us is perfect to God.
[ Reply | Options ]Okay, so how is it exactly that you 'agree' with the previous poster who likened such questions to asking why the sky is blue? It isn't perfectly reasonable for parents to simply skip this important conversation about sensitivity, cultural and racial differences and that some questions should be directed at you first.
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I think suppressing a child's natural curiousity is counterproductive. I'm sure if you step back and realize that young kids haven't got the experience to practice politesse as an adult could, you'll be less 'embarrassed' and more able to use those instances to discuss our many differences and also our commonalities. It's a science,history,social studies,humanities and life unit! Call me a hippie but I believe it's strange to waste early opportunities to teach.
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spoken like a person fits the "norm" and who has no idea what it's like to be the "other"
[ Reply | Options ]No. It's just rude to ask these questions and it is a parent's job to teach their children not to be rude.
[ Reply | Options ]A lot depends on the age and developmental stage of the questioning child (which may somewhat differ especially in the early years). When my daughter was 15 months old she had a large vocabulary and made many statements or asked questions in a loud voice which totally took me by surprise such as in a crowded bus pointing at one person and saying "look mama a chocolate person," or asking (again in a crowded bus) "Mama, do little old ladies also have vaginas? Of course by the time she was three she'd learned to be more polite and tactful and sensitive to the feelings of others. I think we all need to appreciate children's curiosity for the blessing it is and let our answers be opportunities for teaching respect for differences and kindness to others while retaining our sense of humor. Even before my children were in elementary school they were both already exceptionally curious, open minded, compassionate, respectful, and kind. Traits they still retain as adults.
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I agree in that at a certain age kids should know simply not to comment on appearance, at all, except to give a compliment, and then only if it's a friend. By about 4 yo, I'd say.
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No. My kids both knew not to blurt out something about appearance at that age. They aren't stupid. It's pretty easy to explain - you might hurt people's feelings if you talk about how they look. They understand that, believe me. Try telling your 4 yo she is fat, or her eyes are the wrong color. Go ahead. She knows.
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I wish parents would tell their kids not be kids and just be uptight by the time they can form full sentences.
[ Reply | Options ]Agree. what is with all this hypersensitivity anyway? Parents are teaching their kids to report every little conversation or interaction. the problem is that hyper parents over react to everything and then teach their kids to over react, whereas the kid might have et the thing roll off off him. now the kid gets trained to think everyobne is out to get him and that mommy wants to hear all the gory details of his day. it is a disaster.
[ Reply | Options ]I think people can expect a little better from their children than they do. Really, kids are so much kinder at base but are looking for guidance - when they are hurtful with remarks it's usually because a parent doesn't believe it's possible or worthwhile to talk to them like thinking, feeling humans. Give them more credit.
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I think you make a relatively good point. By the time kids can form such cogent thoughts and questions, parents and other models should certainly at this point have taken the time to talk about differences in people - cultures, races, beliefs, races, religions and so on. And that some questions about physical attributes can be hurtful in addition to their being no "norm". We must get better at this, as t.v. and print ads remain almost exclusively dominated by thin white people, with the occasional light skinned 'other' added for pc reasons. Just sayin'.
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Was I that unclear? I said I thought that by the time kids were this cogent - that means thoughtful and capable of forming meaningful questions - in their thoughts and questions, that parents should take some time to talk about it with them, and should let them know that some questions, however innocently intended, can hurt feelings. I also pointed out that in our culture, the overwhelming majority of people we see on t.v, in movies and in print are white. While we know that not to be true in real life, we have some responsibility to enlighten our children.
[ Reply | Options ]I agree that parents should speak to their kids about these issues. I do not agree that most people they see on TV (the little they watch of it anyway) are white. Nor is that true in nyc.
[ Reply | Options ]^^^I'd like you to do a little experiment. Turn on the tv for one hour, NO cheating. Keep a pad of paper and a pen at hand. Write down every time you see someone of color, and quickly note how many white people are in the picture. Do the same in any magazine. I think you'll be shocked.
[ Reply | Options ]you are wrong and this person is being very gentle with you by encouraging you to watch some shows .. some sitcoms, some dramas and vogue, harpers bazarre, elle, just look at what our culture teaches us about who's out there. Other than newscasters, are there any asians who you care about in any shows or in any magazines? any models? one or two here and there just don't make up enough. not to mention older people, heavier people, disabled people... can you see?
[ Reply | Options ]Um--what does walking down the street teach you about "who's out there?" Kids are keen observers of this stuff and they reach their own sometimes erroneous or stereotypical conclusions based on what they see on a daily basis--it doesn't all have to do with "the media." My 5yo dd came home from school one day and asked me "why do people with dark skin use such bad words?" I explained that everyone uses bad language sometimes, blah blah blah, but it was hard to grapple with the underlying question of why there are differences between groups of people, why poor neighborhoods are black or Hispanic, why there are more rich white people, etc. etc.. Physical appearance is only a fraction of it.
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OP: I realize these are honest q'ns from curious kids. But if your kid is the only kid everyone asks these q'ns all the time, your kid is going to feel like there's something wrong with himself/herself. Before you cast judgement, think about the impact it has on one kid in the whole class who has to field these q'ns from everyone. It's a fact of life, I know and that's why I wish other parents would have a talk with their kids at home. Probably won't happen, given all these responses. But my kid came home crying today so I am feeling protective and sad.
[ Reply | Options ]>btw, I'm not talking about nursery school kids. I'm talking about 7yo's. I guess 7yo's are still young, but I had a talk with my dc when dc was 3 or 4 not to ask these q'ns. I think 7yo's are developmentally ready to understand why those questions can be hurtful.
[ Reply | Options ]OR: I am so sorry that you dc came home crying and to be perfectly clear I was in no way implying that it is alright for children to be insulting. I wasn't clear that implicit in the innocence of the questions, initally, is of course an "aside" or follow-up conversation. And I do agree that as they get a bit older they should have already had these conversations with their parents. Or be taught to apologize when made to realize they are being hurtful, even if unintentional.
[ Reply | Options ]OP, I'm the poster who thinks kids can know this at 4. I am so sorry - your 7 you should NOT have to feel this, and 7 yos should NOT be asking these questions. Heck, if every kid on UB can read HP at 6, they really should be able to grasp before 7 that singling out physical attributes always risks hurting someone.
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Thank you. Again, I don't fault the kid who asked. He's not mean. But the way he described my dc's physical attribute which I won't detail here understandably made my dc feel ugly - how it was phrased and described. I understand 7yo's don't have the best communication skills and a wide collection of words to draw from.
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I feel for your dc, but I think you have issues. it is unlikely that your dc is the only one in the class who fields these sorts of questions if they are so numerous and frequent. presumably the kids are not very well socialized and ask things of other classmates as well.
[ Reply | Options ]I have issues? Yes, I have issues with my dc feeling like dc has to answer q'ns about what dc looks like that ohter kids in the class don't get. Am I bent out of shape about it? No but can I wish other parents would have a talk with their kids (knowing that kids don't always practice what they're taught)? You bet. If you can't understand what the minorities have to go through as children, I say you have issues. BTW, I am not faulting kids. Kids' q'ns are innocent and they don't mean harm. But they do cause hurt feelings unintentionally. I think it'd be nice if the parents can proactively talk to their kids about different races at home.
[ Reply | Options ]np People like OR resent having to address these questions, I think. It invades their complacent little bubble of sameness, and it's so inconvenient. I have to wonder if these are the same posters railing against diversity efforts - perhaps that is the cause of the resentment. If anyone has issues, it's the OR.
[ Reply | Options ]well, I think the parents do talk to their kids. I also think that most kids get some stupid questions and comments from other kids, and that minorities do have special circumstances that they may be asked to discuss more than they would like. btw, I am one, so I am familiar with this. but I also think you have a bit of a chip.
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np: I think this post is fake. OP is just looking to stir controversy. It is not believable that this even took place
[ Reply | Options ]OP here and what makes you think it's fake? It's common experience for kids of color to be asked q'ns about their appearance.
[ Reply | Options ]I cannot imagine my dcs or their friends asking someone these questions when they were 7 yo. It does not sound believable. Unless you are living somewhere where there really are no black people, and the kids have never met a black person. but in a nyc school? I really cannot believe this is true. sorry. maybe your dc is playing you.
[ Reply | Options ]When my 4 yr old wanted nothing more than to touch other kids' hair and skin because it was different than her own, I asked her why. Her reasons were simple. I told her to make sure to ask first. The interaction between those children was more valuable than me telliong her not to do it-or that it was too personal or rude. Please don't lump this into the adult right v wrong coda.
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You are nuts--why on earth would this be fake? I have a multi-ethnic kid and we have never stopped getting questions about her looks, her background, etc. from kids and adults. Most of it is not unkind and I have to say to OP--I'd urge you to prepare your kid and toughen her up rather than trying to change the behavior of other people. It's challenging, but I think that otherwise you're just fighting the tide. I'll warn you too--people's ideas about other races do NOT necessarily come from TV, "the media"--kids make their own judgements based on what they see every day and they're quick and happy to stereotype (and btw, this applies equally to kids of all color--I have seen brutal racism and nastiness coming from black kids as well as white; the more narrow and insular the kids' environment, the quicker they are to judge and to stereotype, whether they come from an UES private or a housing project).
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Maybe I do but maybe I don't. Chip on my shoulders because I wish the parents would discuss race at home? That's what all the schools do and encourage families to do at home.
[ Reply | Options ]my dc would have been very offended by being asked about having small eyes, being fat and short. He takes his race as a given, but the rest...ouch!
[ Reply | Options ]My dc wasn't offended because the friend was sincerely curious. My dc was curious why dc looks different than everyone else. Dc never thought of her features as out of the norm when she was at a very diverse class/school before. Now, dc is becoming more defensive since dc is looking for answers why dc looks so different from everyone else.
[ Reply | Options ]I don't understand. Are the questions rce related or more particular and associated with her unique appearance? surely there are other kids of color, chubby or short kids in the school.
[ Reply | Options ]I don't want to out myself or my kid, but the q'n was about one particular featur that is not shared by other kids in the class. Again, the kids are nice and they don't mean to hurt dc. The parents are nice, too. I realize you could have all kinds of talk at home and kids may still do different things bec they're kids.... I"m just casting my wish out there.
[ Reply | Options ]I guess your post came off being accusatory and blaming. most parents do discuss this with their kids, and most kids don't ask about skin color. most educated families are on board. your post implies that it is otherwie.
[ Reply | Options ]I have talked to my kids since they were toddlers about not blurting out comments about people. usually this would come up about someone who was disabled, obese or homeless or mentally ill on the streets or mass transit. Race was never much of an issue because they are surrounded by people of all races and we are a diverse family. Nontheless, they would not ask someone about skin color. by age 7, they had a pretty good understanding of the concept.
[ Reply | Options ]This makes me wonder too whether OP should find another school or environment where her DC is not the only kid in her class with this attribute, whatever it is. True diversity is a blessing to kids like this--no one likes to feel like "the only one" no matter what color they are.
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FWIW My very very good looking (so I'm told by many anyway)5 yr old was brushing his teeth and stopped abruptly and said "I have a wide nose don't I?". I was shocked and appalled. I asked why he thought so, if someone had said something to him. He said nobody said anything but he could just see it was wide. It is not. It was out of the blue.
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Can you tell us what we should say? because i always say everyone has different skin and it is not ok to point that out, but my 4 yr old still says things about people (eg, they don't match white mother, black child, etc.) I mean, if you have an idea of how to get them to stop noticing asymmetries, i would appreciate your advice.
[ Reply | Options ]I'm not OP but I'd say: fine to notice. Talk to me about it. Don't blurt it out.
[ Reply | Options ]^In fact, this IS what I say to my kids. There is nothing wrong in fact with any skin color, or being fat, or skinny, or in a wheelchair, or having eyes that are big or small - it is nothing we shouldn't talk about together, if you are curious. But it is not something you should point out loudly to the person, because it is their choice whether to discuss themselves with you - it's not your right to comment and make them self-conscious.
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Just ask the kid back "why is your skin white?" "what happened to your eyes?" etc. and then when the kid cannot answer, just tell him/her everybody is different.
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Yes, okay-right alongside encouraging curiousity and deeper thinking...Correction doesn't=over protection(projection). Signed, Chinky Chowie, Spic-Chink,Ciao Chow Mein. I'm not scarred; kids can be either curious or mean but they learn through the good and the bad. If that happened in or on school grounds, iot's a great opportunity to present it to faculty. Clearly, some more humanities units are in order.
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Children are naturally curious, and even when they grow up surrounded by diversity, they will still notice physical differences and ask questions about it. What's important is to view this as an opportunity to teach your child about diversity and language and what is appropriate to use when referring to differences between people. Kids don't empirically know to use the word "fat" or "black", etc. These are things they pick up from their PARENTS and other caregivers. How your child refers to others, particularly those who are different, is a product of how they are being raised and how these topics are being addressed with them. Long response short - don't suppress your child, but teach them that there are more positive and acceptable ways to point out differences and ask about them. Beyond skin color and body type, there are so many other differences between us all - why not ask about these as well and help your child learn to appreciate these things?
[ Reply | Options ]this is just wrong. we never refer to people as fat for eg. dc somehow picked it up (although doesn't use it in any regular way). Kids pick up things at school, in books and other media, from the playground. assuming mean racist parents just because a kid repeats a distateful or less preferred word is ludicrous.
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