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Help me. I asked dh SPECIFICALLY not to discuss our finances with my family and he waits till I go out of town and he tells them how much debt we are in (embarrassing amount that we are trying to reign in) and his excuse is that they are entitled to know since they gave me 10K. he has "threatened" to tell them in the past because he feels like I overspend and this is his way of putting fear in me. Anyway, I was upset about it and feeling moody yesterday. He expected me to snap out of it and just go along with his plans that he made without discussing with me first (visiting his mother, then going to the park with HIS friends) and I refused to go. He kept yelling at me to get up and stop being moody and I refused. he told me I was being a "fucking bitch" and walked out of the house so long as I agreed to go to the park later if he went to his mom's alone. Today I write him that ds is having trouble in school and he tells me it is because I am "moody and make trouble about going to the zoo" I have so had it with this man. Should I just divorce him now?
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No, it is a very long story but I am a resident and he just completed his training in July. Most of our debt was paying our $$$$$ nanny, who works long hours as a result of our respective schedules. He just started private practice a few months ago and we are starting to tackle our debt.
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OP: he called me a "fucking bitch". He eventually went to his mom's alone with dc and came back and made me go to the park with his friends. Then today I write him an email how our 5 yo ds teacher told me he is having trouble focusing in school and dh replies that it is because he has a "moody mom who picks a fight about going to the zoo." I hate him. I truly hate that man.
[ Reply | Options ]You are both under a lot of pressure - being a resident and trying to rasie a family is hard. Give it time to adjust it's self and try to be respectful and nice to each other and rebuild your marriage ( both being residents you have not had time together. I work in medical research and Dh surgeon - we could not have been dealing with this kind of pressure and completed our programs. We had children 5-10 years out. Good luck
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Being in debt is VERY stressfull. He is stressed and you should be too. Rightly or wrongly he blames you for being in debt (maybe he disagreed about the nanny$$$?). You need to have a financial talk with him. Maybe he's a financial loser, maybe not. But the core of the problem is your Debt and you need to work it out together (potentially firing the nanny)
[ Reply | Options ]i think you are leaving something out. you say he feels that you overspend, but you say that all of your debt is due to your nanny's salary. why then does he feel you have a problem with overspending?
[ Reply | Options ]The cause of our debt is nanny. But he thinks every penny i spend is "overspending" including buying dc clothes on the clearance rack...They do need clothes, you know.
[ Reply | Options ]NP Do they need clothes? If I were in that much debt I wouldn't buy clothes unless DCs absolutely needed them.
[ Reply | Options ]Of course they need clothes. I am talking about pants I buy for my 5 yo after he gets holes in the kneesm winter jackets, etc. But because dh never goes shopping, he has no concept of how myuch things cost. And I only buy on sale/clearance btw
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I see. Have you sat down with him to build a realistic budget together? I'm guessing yes, but if not--getting him to take ownership of the budget you have may take some of his feelings of anger away. I would find a more affordable nanny (even though it may feel really difficult if you love yours) also. You know, even buying clothes on the clearance rack CAN amount to overspending, so it's really important you two figure out together what's reasonable.
[ Reply | Options ]^^you also need to make sure that he understands he cannot bring the culture of the hospital home. i don't know what your fields are, but if he is in the OR a lot then he may be accustomed to having hissy fits and calling names when things get stressful. he should NOT be doing this at home, and it may take a counselor (or some objective 3rd party) to show him that he's acting like a giant baby.
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My condolences. My DH is a surgeon--and this is something that we've had to work on. A lot of surgeons start to feel that they always know best and shouldn't be bothered with the small stuff (like how much kid stuff costs). They also feel free to unload whenever things get stressful. You said he called you a bad name. I would honestly start counseling now, before things get worse and he gets set in his ways. He's going to need to relearn how to act at home (and maybe at work). It's tough, but you can do it! GL.
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Ask him how he would like it if he told you not to discuss his small penis size with your family but you did it anyway. Than ask him how he would feel if you called him a "f***ing dick" or some other derogatory term. I would refuse to speak to him until he apologizes and TELL him that the next time he goes behind your back to whine to his family, or calls you that again, you would leave him.
[ Reply | Options ]OK, he shouldn't have called you a f*cking bitch but I kind of agree with him based on the information you've given so far. I mean, no, he shouldn't have made plans without consulting you, but sitting on the couch and refusing to go makes the situation worse, not better.
[ Reply | Options ]Hi. New poster here. I am a lawyer and by the time I'd graduated from law school I had massive student loan debt. Almost paid off now (years later) but I remember that horrible feeling of anxiety when I'd look at that giant number. Anyway, I think you should pin more responsibility for shopping on him. Make him be in charge of the food/children's clothing budget for a while. I say this because my DH has NO clue about how much things cost, and sometimes my jaw drops when I hear him calculating out loud what he thinks we should be spending. A few trips to the store with me cured this, quickly.
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OP: one thing I did not metion is that the bulk of our cc expenses is groceries. 1300 last month ALONE. I find this too be absolutely SKY HIGH and he is the one who does our grocery shopping. Additionally, he has NO PROBLEM spending $100 on a dinner (and he insists on doing it at least 1x a week) with his friends even though I am the one that says we should eat at home more, save. He has told me it is "cheap" and "trashy" to skimp on food. So there you have it.
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ITA. Try counseling first - he needs to understand where he is out of line and how to stop going that way. He cannot act at home the same way he does at work - it's not acceptable. He's complaining about your buying DCs new clothes on sale and he's still dropping $100/week to take himself out to dinner? He's way off base here, but he's not going to listen to it from you. He might be willing to listen to it from a third-party and if not, you need to make a decision about how much of his infantile behavior you are willing to tolerate. GL.
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My dh and I have the exact same issue (he complains about debt, but has no clue what anything costs. However, I do need to learn how to reign in my spending and am trying hard to stick to a more reasonable budget. I'd be thrilled if our grocery bill was only $325/week...does that include paper products, cleaning/laundry products, etc.?
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i'm not trying to flame you so i say this with really good intentions. it sounds like you have a lot of issues to deal with. both on his part and in your marriage. but honestly, you don't sound like you are handling it very wisely or maturely.
[ Reply | Options ]Ahhh, yes, MDs - more dollars than "cents" as they say. The grandparents should be buying clothes for your kids until you make it. That's what my in-laws did for my sister and brother in law who were in training.
[ Reply | Options ]NP: That is incredibly generous, but it is also pretty unusual. Residencies last a LONG time, and residents do make money comparable to many normal people's salaries. Also, consider these people have their own family and are probably in their thirties. I don't think you can say something like "grandparents should be buying clothes." Especially considering the DH spends $1300 a month on groceries and more to eat out!
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