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Do you think it's scary to be parent of a teenager in NYC? Why? How do you handle these concerns? I do. So many factors outside my control - media exposure, peer pressure, emphasis on material values, violence and sex in culture, huge external societal pressure to achieve and excel in multiple areas (at tt private), etc.
72 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]This is not unique yo new York city and is even worse in wealthy suburbs. I love the people who move to Rye and Greenwich thinking they are safe when the problems just become more consentrated with fewer outlets to diffuse the situations. Jeez, some of these kids spend 20k on their senior prom, that is something to worry about.
[ Reply | Options ]Pull your kid out of TT private if you worry he'll pull a "Dalton" and end up on the sidewalk.
[ Reply | Options ]Suicide happens everywhere, one suicide at a tt school is not a reflection on the school, suicide happens when people are mentally ill, nit stressed from school, please don't sell mental illness short, it is so much more complex than you like to make it out. Ps, do a google search on "manasquan high school" and suicide and trains and think about your opinion of Dalton. Ok?
[ Reply | Options ]Why discriminate against Dalton? There was that boy who self-immolated at Collegiate a few years ago. Or the kid who hung himself or the kid that locked himself in a garage with a car running at my suburban mid-western high school (the same year!) back in the day. Teen depression and suicide is pretty universal.
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I think you're fooling yourself if you think you are escaping it by staying in the city. Anywhere there is wealth, there is pressure.
[ Reply | Options ]nobody's saying you escape it in the city. just noting OP says its scary to be the parent of a teenager in NYC. many of us think it would be scary anywhere.
[ Reply | Options ]I would agree then, I doubt NYC is any scarier (or less scary) than the wealthy burbs. There are different challenges in both, but I think they equal out.
[ Reply | Options ]I have nieces and nephews in wealthy westchester burbs. They are not as exposed to the homeless people on the subway or whatever, but I think they are more materialistic about labels and cars and clothes etc. than my dc's (roughly same age) who go to Manhattan privates. I also think the burbs are worse because they are DRIVING in high school and many of them end up in the city anyway on the weekends
[ Reply | Options ]ITA. In burbs your wealth is far more on display, in the city, it's more anonymous.
[ Reply | Options ]I would definitely agree that material items are more on display in the burbs. But I think there is a lost sense of reality in the city- I don't think a lot of those kids realize they live a privileged lifestyle. I'm not sure which is better or worse.
[ Reply | Options ]What is the priveleged lifestyle? DC goes to public school, rides a yellow bus, or a subway, back and forth to school. We don't have household help. "The city" is not the dangerous thing, in terms of the lifestyle. People choose their lifestyles, and that defines what your child is primarily exposed to, or the perspective that they have about where they fit in.
[ Reply | Options ]lol. We live in a small home in Fairfield County. My kids ride the bus, go to publics, we have no help, share a bedroom, and I consider them very privileged. I guess it just depends on how you grew up yourself.
[ Reply | Options ]np - Why do you think your kids are privileged? Because they have a roof over their heads and never miss a meal?
[ Reply | Options ]Moreso because we live in one of the wealthiest areas of the country, and the cultural opportunities reflect that, very few of their classmates are on public assistance, we have a savings account, and although they don't get everything they want, it's rarely because their parents can't afford it. that all equals privilege to me.
[ Reply | Options ]Interesting. I grew up working class/poor and I didn't know anyone on public assistance and my parents had a savings account. I did buy books & toys at thrift shops and my mother made most of my clothes but I don't know if it's because they couldn't afford it or that's just the way they were. And, no, I do not consider myself as having grown up privileged.
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Materialism is based on the parents, no matter where they live. If the parents are always trying to keep up with the Jones, then the kid will be materialistic too. Just seeing homeless people on the subway does not really make a difference. If you want your kids to be influenced by the great disparity of wealth (and mental illness, in the case of most homeless,) they have to get more involved than just walking past homeless people on the subway.
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MUCH much worse in the burbs where it's more homogeneous. I feel better for dcs in Manhattan than anywhere else because there are so many different types of people and groups just outside the door, so they can see that, even if they don't fit in with certain peer groups, there are many others that they can join and be perfectly happy with.
[ Reply | Options ]I was a teenager in NYC in the bad old days of the the city on the edge of bankruptcy, high crime rates and the "warriors." As a parent of a teenager now, the city is like Disneyworld compared to the way it used to be. I joke with my friends that we need to send our kids out to Kansas or Iowa or somewhere "dangerous" like that so they can learn some "street smarts" that you just can't get in NY anymore. If your kid is hanging out with a spoiled, unsupervised, wealthy, spoiled (did I say spoiled enough?) crowd, that has nothing to do with being in NY, it has to do with choices that you made for them that were, perhaps, not so wise. Blame yourself, not NY.
[ Reply | Options ]I grew up in NYC and I LOVED my teen years here--went to public school, btw--we'd get free tickets from school to go to the opera and Metropolitan museum...my mom would take me to the theater all the time, and the ballet--it's an incredible place to be a teenager. So much culture and excitement. I got really into poetry, going to poetry readings and Gotham Book Mart. I don't want to raise my teen kids anywhere else! Beats hanging out at the mall or 7-Eleven any day.
[ Reply | Options ]As a parent of 2 teenagers, I feel your pain, but my sister in the suburbs has convinced me that we are the lucky ones. Our dc's have so many more interesting things to engage them than smoking dope in the parking lot, we don't have to worry about drunk driving and, from what I've seen, they get most of their crazy behavior out of their systems before they leave for college, where we'll have no influence at all.
[ Reply | Options ]I would be much, much more afraid in the suburbs. The idea of one of my DCs getting in a car with a drunk driver would keep me up at night.
[ Reply | Options ]Agree with all the posts here. I too grew up in NYC in the 70s - no working pay phones - scary blocks but I survived and loved it. My daughter is surrounded by kids here in NYC who still in this recession have tremendous wealth. I don't think it's scary in terms of safety, but scary in terms of value. And I think I'm losing this battle. Her peers with their false values are right now more important to her than whatever I or her Dad might say. I will say that the kids in the burbs do drink and drive so I'm grateful that isn't an issue here. Still, there is lots of sex and drugs and booze here in the city. It is scary and upsetting and something you just have to contend with as a parent.
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FACT: In many suburbs, you need to be 18 years old before you can drive a car with other teens in it. FACT: a lot of kids go to college at age 18. Drinking and driving is a serious issue, but I think a lot of people here obsess about it just to make themselves feel safer in the city. Both areas have their own teen challenges, but drinking and driving is not nearly as pervasive as drug use, or other issues.
[ Reply | Options ]FACT: The more you drive, the more likely you are to get into an accident. Whatever age you are. When I was in high school in college in another state I knew several people who were killed and/or seriously injured in cars. I was in several car accidents, luckily did not get hurt (I was a passenger and none of the accidents were the driver's fault). You can't control what people in other cars are doing. It's not so much what your kid might do but what some drunk idiot who is over 18 might do. That
[ Reply | Options ]Every single person I know well who grew up in the suburbs knew someone who was killed in a drunk driving accident--in all cases, they were HIT by the drunk (or, in one case, the deer) and were not in fact drunk themselves. Teens are not experienced drivers, and are more likely to get into accidents, whether or not they themselves were drinking. FWIW, I grew up in Manhattan and knew one person who died--and it was in a car crash over the summer when he was not in nyc.
[ Reply | Options ]np: I just have to echo what the posters above have said. Based on my experience growing up (being in 3 car wrecks before the age of 20, one of them very very serious, and losing one friend in a different car wreck), and comparing notes with others, you are silly to downplay just how dangerous the cars+teens+BOREDOM mix is. The big form of recreation in many suburban areas is to cruise around from party to party. FACT.
[ Reply | Options ]just to reiterate- it is no longer legal for teens under the age of 18 to drive with other teens in the car. And you can wait to allow your dc to drive until they are 24, but they will still be the least experienced driver on the road, and therefore the most at risk for accidents.
[ Reply | Options ]Actually, you need to get your facts straight. In the tristate area, only CT has a law like that, and teen drivers may still drive with their younger siblings or other family members. I grew up in the suburbs, driving was all we had, and my state was one where you had be 17 years old to drive. In my school 3 kids were killed in regular, dAylight accidents, two of them were driving alone, btw.
[ Reply | Options ]np: Teens have more accidents because teens are the least-experienced drivers. You can move the driving age up to 35, and then 35 yo's will have the most accidents. They have to learn to drive at some point, unless, of course, you want them to live at home the rest of their lives.
[ Reply | Options ]nnp - Or unless you live in NYC (and many other major cities) instead of the burbs
[ Reply | Options ]nnnp--I think brain wiring is a factor. Teen brains are not completely mature. 35 year olds' brains are.
[ Reply | Options ]But at the ages of 16-20 or so, 1) kids feel immortal, 2) they're bored, 3) they want to be out late, and 4) they generally want to push the envelope in any other way possible. I would love to see any sort of back-up/study that says the reason that teens have more accidents is because teens are the least-experienced drivers.
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np: Very few states are at 18. And the big point is that there isn't a whole lot to do that doesn't involve cars in the suburbs.
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I believe it's scary to be the parent of a teenager anywhere. Period. Signed, mother of a teenager!
[ Reply | Options ]I absolutely agree with the above posting. It is really really scary to be a parent of a teenager. Unfortunately, you can talk till you're blue in the face about responsibility concerning sex, drugs and booze, and still they don't listen. Also, their peers are SO much more important than Mom and Dad. And by the time they're in high school, they have chosen their friends, whether you like them or not. I wish I had known this would be so tough and I'm completely unprepared. I could deal with the toddler and middle school years, even the screaming sleepless infant nights, so much better than now.
[ Reply | Options ]ITA. Finding it extraordinarily stressful right now to be the parent of a 15 yo and almost 13 yo girl. Give me the baby years back.
[ Reply | Options ]I am the parent of a 15 yr old. It has been ok for now because we are the place where the kids converge and hang out. I think it is super important to be around, but not necessarily in the same space. I find the kids go to movies on the weekend, eat out, etc. However, I am amazed that some of the kids seem to have really late curfews. They spend the night here, and their parents never call to check up on them (don't call me-that's for sure.) I, too, am relieved that they are not driving in NYC. I do think some of the weekend parties held by private school kids are over the top and there is a fair amount of drinking. Where are the parents at those parties? I never really can figure that out.
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