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Ladies, first let me apologize in advance. I am a guy seeking advise from a woman's point of view. I firmly believe that me and women are wired differently. men tend to be more logical and women more emotional. That said, here is my condensed story. I was married for 11 years this month. We took a vacation to also celebrate my son's birthday. After we got back, she said that she thinks we should separate. She gave it a lot of thought and she wants her freedom. I think that she holds alot of resentment for me because I wanted to stop at one child. Over the years the sex is less and less. First once a week, then once every two weeks- finally we went 2 months without followed by another 2 week drought. When we make love all seems well for that moment, then it is back to the same.
60 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]You need to talk to a shrink or something. Sorry if you're hurting and need to vent, but you're not going to get smart advice here. We don't know the whole story and it would be a shame if someone anonymous on a message board hurt you further. Best of luck to you.
[ Reply | Options ]Not too concerned about getting feelings hurt and not looking for advise so much as I am trying to understand the emotions of women. The "or something" aspect is what I am looking at. Feel free to ask any questions- i will answer them as truthfully and as unbiased as I can. I've been hurt before- I can take it. But thanks
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You are seeking ADVICE! What is with this confusion on this board? The noun is ADVICE. The verb is ADVISE. I didn't read the rest as I couldn't get past your second sentence.
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A woman's point of view about this situation. From reading the above less any additional questions - what is your point of view. Nothing more. Not looking for the meaning of life, just a woman's point of view
[ Reply | Options ]np. Woman here. Here's my point of view, Your wife "gave it a lot of thought, and she wants her freedom." That is pretty clear, if you ask me. Unemotional. Simple. You are suggesting that she wanted another child, perhaps that's the reason. Yes, perhaps. Perhaps she likes being a mother and wished she could have had another. Now she doesn't want another, but wants her freedom. If my husband told me he wants his freedom, I would give it to him.
[ Reply | Options ]Giving a person their freedom is easier said than done. i have 15 years invested in this relationship. We have seen each other thru good times and bad and when one was weak- we could lean on the other. At one time we were true partners- she would come up with ideas and I would execute. We went together like peas and carrots-
[ Reply | Options ]NP: ITA. If my husband said he wanted his freedom, he wanted a divorce, we should spend some time apart, we should separate, and other euphemism for "I don't love you anymore, get away from me", I'd let him go. I don't beg, plead, negotiate, bargain, or anything else. If a man wants to go, I let him go. Bye. Leave your key and ring when you go. I've never been the type to hang onto a man at any cost.
[ Reply | Options ]But I would. When i took the oath of marriage, I promised to be there for better or worse, richer or poorer and I meant it. I believe that you hold on past the rough times and when it is easier to let go- you hold on tigher. But you are also correct- I can't be with a person who does not want to be in love with me. My pride will not allow me to beg, plead or negotiate. My fear is that at some point my survival will kick in and I will not want her. This will be the time that she sees that this is a mistake but then it will be too late.
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The point of view is that something is wrong with your relationship and your wife may not be in love with you anymore. Is she seeing someone? Who knows. It is possible for women to be emotionally detached without an affair. Every time we don't have sex for a few weeks my dh asks if I'm seeing someone. I'm like no, I'M JUST EXHAUSTED.
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I noticed that throughout your post you NEVER admitting to still being in love/loving her. She might feel this way. Several times when my dh is around he doesn't seem to spend time with me, always on the computer or playing with his phone, it makes me feel very hurt and ignored, like I am not worth his time. Sine you are a workaholic it is hard for her to not be around you and you are gone so much of the time. You can have all the money in the world but it doesn't buy happiness or time. As for the sex, woman are just not as into it as men are.
[ Reply | Options ]Every conversation about this subject which I usually initiate is "first and foremost, I love you. I have been in love with you since the first time I looked in your eyes and said the words. I didn't need to get marriaged to want to spend my my life with you" I meant it.
[ Reply | Options ]Although I am a workaholic- I am home every night. i am in most cases a phone call away.
[ Reply | Options ]My dh was also just a phone call away and couldn't even come home in an emergency. Also, she may think you put work in a higher category than your love for her. You need the book 'The 5 love languages' b/c what means love to you may not mean love to her. We tend to think what makes 'us' feel loved and assume that our partner is the same way. My dh and I read it as his love language was physical contact (not just sex but hand holding/kissing) while mine was getting gifts (and not $$ ones but just a simple rose from our garden or a little love note) We deal with each other better now that we know 'how to' love the other person.
[ Reply | Options ]I am home during emergencies. My son has astma- I'd race thru the streets to get to the hospital. While I think that the book is too late for us- I will read it- (maybe for a future relationship). She once asked me how do I show her love. I told her that I try to pay attention to the litle things. When i get up in the morning, I tiptoe around the house trying not to wake her. After 14 years, I still close her car door for her. I share everything with her. I try to be as attentive as I can. I try to treat her like me queen. While material things don't mean much- there is not much she asks for that she doesn't get. I spoil you and use to enjoy doing it. I try not to be like every other man in the love making department. I want to know what pleases her and I pour out my heart to her. Complimenting her and trying to do what pleases her even if it means not having sex for a week. I call her sometimes for no reason just to tell her what she means to me. I completely and honestly opened myself to her.
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I don't necessarily work for the money. I mean of course I need money to survive. I've worked all of my live since age 13- sometimes holding down 2 jobs, school etc. Its what I know. I am 45 now and can retire at any time and actually make more staying home than going to work everyday. I work because I actually like what I do.
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IMO your wife is not necessarily seeing someone else, probably not actually. But it's clear that she is very conflicted about where she wants her life to go. I think she would have liked two dc and yes, she may feel resentful that you didn't. Too bad this wasn't discussed earlier on, but it may be her stumbling point now. Have you gone for marriage counseling? It seems that is where you should be headed to explore this in a professional setting. Good luck to you.
[ Reply | Options ]Thanks, but you assume children was not discussed early on, but it was. 13 years ago when we had the discussion 2 children seem plausable but then the reality of having children kicked in. Life has a way of offseting our dreams. I sometimes feel like having another child is more of a competition for her. All of her girlfriends has two children and they push and prod. Her rival has two boys- so she is hoping to have a daughter. I do understand the resentment but for someone to say that they want their freedom implies that I am holding her hostage.
[ Reply | Options ]http://lepotek.co.tv/pitbull-puppies/xindstovi.html blue pitbull puppy sale
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Very strange post. You say so many times that you want advice, but when people give it to you, you tell them that that's not the problem. You say you love your wife, but she doesn't seem to rank up there with your son and obviously she's not feeling it. It sounds to me that 1. you're not a very good listener, 2. you seem to think you know everything already (but you don't - see #1) and 3. you need big time counseling (with your wife, if she'll go) to even begin to uncover what the problems are.
[ Reply | Options ]Thought I was giving my perspective to the points that were being made. As far as knowing everything- no I don't and nowhere in the post do I claim to do so. i bring up my son and my love for him because if this situation goes down the way she intends, he will be the biggest loser. I grew up without my father and so I know how much it means for me to be there with my son. I do understand that there is not enough time or space to tell the entire story so I do try to fill in when a point is made. Stange as it may be, I just wanted to hear words from women to get another prospective in this anonomus setting where people may be more truthful then people you know.
[ Reply | Options ]Counselling seems to be the number one solution to life's issues for women imho. I dont speak for all males but for me I believe that the source of the problem is between two people and it is where it should be worked out. I am sure that there are a lot of psycho-analytical reasons behind our issues. I do not respond well to utimatums. One of my flaw. Please reread past posts and give me specific examples of how I rebuff advice. I am listening LOL
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ITA.you are just looking for universal validation here-how great you are and how you did everything right.you sound very needy,on one hand, but you are very dismissive when women are sharing their point of view.if you speak like this with your wife too, you are probably boring her to death
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You and your wife should go to a marriage counselor. You need to listen carefully to her. It may be that she wants a second child. Her time is very limited for conceiving. I'm guessing that you don't really listen to her. You discussed having 2 dc early in your relationship, and then you changed the rules. To me that would be a deal breaker. Get counseling!
[ Reply | Options ]Not having a second child- if that means that our relationship is over- then I will deal with the consequences of my decision. We had a difficult time with child #1.
[ Reply | Options ]You said~ Her rival has two boys- so she is hoping to have a daughter. I do understand the resentment... She wants a dd- there you go! Why does your vote count more than hers?
[ Reply | Options ]I dont want to have children for the sake of a rivalry. I do not want to have children because it is the flavor of the minute. Children are a big commitment. Talking about it is one thing- but the every day care of a child is a lot different. our son was in was in daycare at 6 months- three days a week because she needed a break. I told her that if she wanted - the care of our child is her primary job (i know wrong choice of words) but let me worry about the responsibilities of paying the bills. She wanted to work and at some point she got a part time job that pays on commission. Whatever money she makes is hers. She owns a building that virtually ays for itself and nets her pocket change. I also own a house and it does the same- besides gas for the car and food- I handle everything else.
[ Reply | Options ]np: this whole answer speaks to huge problems IMO. I never see dh and I as separate when it comes to finances or big life choices. you really seem to think your wife should be a sahm to one child. she clearly wants to be a wohm to more than one child. that basic difference is enough to make you incompatible. period. of course children are a big commitment, but I still haven't heard compelling reasons why you won't have another child. i actually agree with different gender roles and strengths, but you sound very controlling and very tit-for-tat. i imagine in discusssion with your wife you catalog all you have done for her, and this would get old for me very quickly.
[ Reply | Options ]You are making assumptions about me before asking- please ask me if you want to know something. And the answer is - no I do not catalog what I do for her. I was merely trying to give you some insight of how I take responsibility and leave her choices to be a sahm. I didnt mention that she is horrible with money and on more than a few occasions- i have have to bail her out of jams to get her personal bills paid. Yes we do have a tit for tat relationship but in a different way than you describe. Our tit for tatness if you will deals with either of us bringing up a point that we don't feel like ther other one handled and the response is usually- but you didn't do yada yada yada. I try extremely hard to be a good man, a good father to my son and a good husband. i do have my shortcomings in all aspects. I think that my wife is a good woman, a good mother who does not want to be my wife anymore. I am still in love with her but the freedom word put the breaks on my feelings. i feel like it would be a huge mistake if she decides to go. We are better together than apart imho. But once she goes, I cant look back and I will not go back to her.
[ Reply | Options ]i totally disagree; she does not want to be a wohm with a second child. she would be overwhelmed. she put their dc in daycare at six months because she couldn't deal. wasn't working. a second child could put her over the edge. she's already tired all the time, no energy, op says.
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ok, this response has shed a lot of light on your situation to me. if your wife had to put your baby in daycare at 6 months just because she needed a Break, we aren't talking about mom of the year here and someone who is cut out to raise kids. this plus this competition thing makes me think the best thing she can do is NOT have a child. the world does NOT need more kids stuck into daycare because mom cannot deal with it. I am seeing more of what you are dealing with and altho i certainly do not know your wife, i think she has issues with taking responsibility in a big way. Don't feel compelled to have the second kid for her; she couldn't deal with the first. You are sounding like a guy caught in the middle of what may be a no win situation; your wife seems to have a strangeness about her that is above what you can resolve. Do you want this marriage to work: Go for counseling; but don't have a kid to save it; she may well go into a deep depression after baby is born. She wants freedom and baby does not = freedom. I wish you well, but all may be better off split up, sorry to say. fwiw, I am a counselor.
[ Reply | Options ]continued: a no win situation. She wants a kid but a baby does NOT = freedom and she may well go into a depression after baby is born. Do you want to save something? Maybe counseling will work but I don't have a good feeling about it. You all might be better off split up as all of you together has a toxic feeling to it. I wish you well. fwis, I am a counselor.
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I am the OP and no it was not written by me. It would be counter productive. For the person who did write this- I would have to disagree somewhat. The wife is a good mother to my son. I cant use that as an excuse. But that is my point. We work together great with our son. To have another child would put an extra stain on our relationship and on her. She is always tired. When I get home from work- my son occupies a lot of my time until bedtime. i put him to bed, read him stories and stay with him until he falls asleep. I am up usually to the wee hours checking on him to make sure he is ok. And I am good with that. Its not that she is an unfit mom- she is far from it. But I believe that we are at our limits.
[ Reply | Options ]May I ask why you need to stay with your ds until he falls asleep and are up in the wee hours checking him to make sure he is ok?
[ Reply | Options ]He has astma. he coughs, I make sure that he is not wheezing. He gets up to go to the bathroom. He wants a cup of water. I make sure that the covers arr on. Sometime he gets up just to kiss his mom or dad and goes back to bed. My mom did it to me. I always felt reassured as a child- my mom would get up to make sure I was tucked in
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You are either OP or the troll who insists the only Real Mom is one who is SAH until dc are 4-5yo. Needing or wanting childcare 3 days a week because she WANTED to work is not a bad thing. Bravo to his wife for recognizing and going for the balance of family/work she wanted.
[ Reply | Options ]the guy is not caught anywhere in the middle,his wife just wants to separate,pure and simple.Op sounds a bit like a stalker
[ Reply | Options ]You are really reaching with the stalker business. Where does it even remotely imply that I am a stalker. The other thing to all of you, I dont have to post negative things about my wife to imply that she is not a good mom- she is a great mom. My point is that I feel that I have given her as much "freedom" in a relationship as I can. She has a CHOICE to work or not work. There are no worries because i will handle the bills. She has a choice to sit on her ass all day while my ds is in school (btw he is not 5). And if she decides to make money- it is all hers. I do not put any extra responsibilities on her. And no I don't catalog what I do for her. I have to agree with the first reply. I will not get any smart advice here. I was venting and just wanted a woman's point of view who didnt know my me. I wanted to vent here so that I wouldn't do it to a stranger with a sypathic ear and a reassuring touch (who I would probably wind up in bed with and regret loosing my marriage). But thank you all for your comments. Take a minute to read my posts carefully abet the spelling errors and just try to approach this from the point of view that I asked. If there are questions I would be more than happy to answer honestly. I am trying to figure out in my own head if my marriage is worth saving. Thats all. But instead, I am criticized, accused and put down. I really thought this board was about people trying to help other people, a word of advice to advise the wayward. Thanks ladies. i just hope that my wife's friends are not giving her this type of advice.
[ Reply | Options ]he doesn't sound at all like a stalker; he's dealing with a very conflicted wife who wants her "freedom", also wants to compete with her friend who has two kids, and yet put her son in daycare at six months when she wasn't working. i think the problem lies with her, not him like some of you seem to think. op; your only chance is good solid marriage counseling. you may not make it through, but at least give it a chance for ds sake. you both do seem to love him.
[ Reply | Options ]Thanks. I am not an angel in this situation either. I didn't mean to lead her on about how many children we would have. I am not sure that counseling is an option but thanks. Got to go to work. You ladies are like a full time job- explaining this situation, but I thank you all for your comments- good bad or indifferent--I am so late.
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Hi I am the OP- call me Done. I started this post on 10/24 seeking some womanly insight to my situation. Granted there are two sides to every story and I am not an angel. That said, I have now joined my wife's bandwagon. I am done. We have not slept in the same bed for over a month. She sez she wants to leave but hasn't left yet. I know that she is conflicted. I try to give her reasurance at times- i will lay behind her and hold her close while she sleeps and tell her that I love her. It like laying next to a block of ice. So I get up and continue to sleep on the couch. She said that he loves me but is finding it hard to be in love with me. Hmmm, where have I heard that from before. What am I stupid- is that the married version of "lets just be friends". No thanks. Now I want out. I feel bad but she has a house that she can go to because I am not leaving. I am devastingly heartbroken about loosing my marriage and being away from my son. But I also realize it has to be this way. Thank you all for your responses even the critical ones. I don't need any validation that I am a good man as a poster suggested. I may not be, but I try to and try to teach my son how to. I hope he grows up to be twice the man that I am. Mabe I can be a good man to the right woman. (Any takers- slightly damaged) Good night.
[ Reply | Options ]you're like a owner who puts a pet in a cage, and then says "i gave her a nice cage, she can just sit in there all day, i come home every night and i'm so caring to her, i don't know what's wrong with her"....but ur missing that maybe the pet wants another kid and another owner who will let her fly. then you'll say "oh but the first time we got another bird she was unhappy, she sent the new bird to another cage"...but u miss that maybe she was upset, because she is in a cage. -*
[ Reply | Options ]i disagree strongly; his wife is disappointed because the infatuation and young love feeling is over and for her she cannot take that leap to building a life and a family in a more mature responsible way. kind of like peter pan, except a female. you'll always have your son, but it sounds like the marriage may be hopeless, unless she is willing and able to seriously put herself into counseling. Good luck to you.
[ Reply | Options ]OP here- what in the hell are you talking about? Cage? I provide a good home and and a good life for my wife and son. She has all of the freedom I can give in a relationship. She has the choice to work or not work, cook or not cook etc. But I draw the line at love me or not love me. That is an absolute. I will not be with a person who is not in love with me period. If marriage is a metaphor for cage- then you could be right. And if she is upset that she is married to me- then let the caged bird fly.
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