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What would you say to your upper 30's female friends are currently single and who always wanted children and are now lamenting the fact that it may never happen for them? I've been faced with this a lot lately.
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and illiterate, as well. I think you meant, "then that's her problem", not "your problems". I also think you meant to say, "some women", not "some woman".
[ Reply | Options ]i agree with you completely - it's clear enough (without her explicitly stating it) that the first responder chose not to go with some illustrious career, perhaps because she wasn't cut out for anything that worthwhile. some women are talented and brilliant enough that it would be a shame for them to cut their careers short; there's no reason why a woman should have to forgo that sort of success in her life to have a family, when no one expects a man to do so.
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That is totally wrong and smug. Some people don't meet someone they want to marry for a long time, you were lucky. It's not a pity party at all, it's painful, real and not something they brought on themselves.
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UGH I HATE when people say this. I get told this EVERY DAY by everyone, b/c I am 25 and no dating/social life whatsoever. I'm a nanny, and I worked full time and went to college at night FT so meeting someone at work AND school was out of the question, my friends never go out, etc. I am starting to worry I'm running out of time too but if you don't have opprotunity what can you do?! And since when did having standards become being too picky!
[ Reply | Options ]You have time on your side...25 is still really young. I think you have three years before you need to start stressing...
[ Reply | Options ]Not if she wants kids. 25 is "prime time". It's all downhill in terms of fertility after age 30. "Really young" would be considered 18-ish.
[ Reply | Options ]Really? I thought I had until about 30-35. That's just depressing since I can't even find a decent enough guy to date!
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I don't think people should marry before 30 much less have kids. Just my opinion. I was married at 33, had my DS at 34, currently 37 and pregnant with DB #2.
[ Reply | Options ]Just because you didn't mature until age 30 doesn't mean other people are as emotionally and intellectually slow.
[ Reply | Options ]It's not about maturity - it's about life. In my mid to late 20's, I was living/working abroad. Oh, and then I went and got an MBA at a top 10 school, and then was a slave at an I-bank for a couple more years. So I'm hardly emotionally or intellectually slow. I did all that, AND managed to get married (to an equally well traveled and well educated man) in my early 30's and have a DS. My life would have been very different had I felt the need to marry at 25, 28, or even 30 for that matter.
[ Reply | Options ]You can't "choose" to find the perfect match in a mate. One either meets that person before age 30 or one doesn't. But some women who don't have a strong sense of self and/or are uneducated and can't support themselves don't believe marriage is about finding a good match that makes them happy. It's a practical necessity for survival, with a deadline.
[ Reply | Options ]I'm thankful every day I didn't marry the man I was dating when I was 25. Every day. I married my true soulmate at age 37 and had a beautiful, perfect, intelligent baby at age 41. Yes, if a woman IS already with her life partner don't put off children too long. It's best to have them before 35. But to marry somebody only to have children is really unwise. I think these women who are so judgmental are very much in need of affirmation of their choice to have children and marry young. Probably because they're not that happy, frankly.
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I totally agree. who is really ready for kids before their 30s? And plenty of women have very healthy babies after age 35. Yes, it can be harder to conceive, but it doesn't mean you are doomed.
[ Reply | Options ]The quality of DNA in an ovum deteriorates drastically as a woman ages, especially after the mid twenties. Even if you perceive that 'plenty' of women have 'very healthy' babies after age 35, consider the number that couldn't conceive, the complications and damage to the mothers (who will never heal as they would have in their younger years), and the fact that, although initially healthy, those babies are at greater risk of a range of illnesses and defects as they grow.
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So basically if in 3 years I am not married I should seriously consider doing it on my own before 30? I better start saving now. So sad. But I guess it all works out how it's suppose to in the end
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Thanks. I am 36 and single. I believe it's part effort, part intention, part timing, and part luck when and where you meet the man you marry. But I also think it's hard in New York, where I live, because there are many beautiful, young, and intelligent women here - and a culture of hooking up/short relationships.
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relax. be as picky as you want to be. if i had married my boyfriend at 25 i'd be divorced by now anyway. in terms of meeting guys, it does happen even if you're nannying. i meet men while i'm with my kid, and if i were in the market for a man maybe i would date one.
[ Reply | Options ]I'm 30, not married yet FWIW. Of my friends who got married at ages 24-28, a bunch are divorced now. the ones who are getting married now (at 30, 31, 32, 33) know themselves much better, are more "ready," and in much stronger more mature relationships. I would not rush. getting married in your 30s is more than fine!
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I didn't date at all between 26 and 29. Met my husband at 29 and was married at 30. Had 10 happy, happy years of marriage before having first DC at 40 (second at 42). Not everyone is cut out of the same cloth.
[ Reply | Options ]you go sister - I met my DH at 29, married at 39 and had DD at 40. No second DC by choice. I can't even imagine having kids before 30 to be honest. A 25 year old should not be worrying about this stuff - focus on school, career, travel, social life now.
[ Reply | Options ]My goodness, the thought of cleaning up diapers and running after mischievous toddlers in my 40s is absolutely horrifying. That's the time I plan to spend having clever discussions and exciting vacations with my sons. (Married at 25, DS1 at 27, DS2 at 29, 30 now, planning to try for #3, but already feel TOO OLD).
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I am 37 and pg with DB #2. I have lived 4 lifetimes since I was 25 (I graduated form law school, bartended and waitressed and lived a crazy life, worked at 2 legal great jobs, argued a case before the 2d Cir -big deal for lawyer, dated lots of men, had 2 serious relationship both which taught me something, traveled, met tons of friends, bought great clothes and shoes and bags, ate a fabulous places ---NONE OF WHICH I WOULD HAVE DONE IF I HAD MARRIED THE GUY I DATED AT 25 and THEN STARTED HAVING KIDS. First I would be divorced becuase in the end he was a moron and second I would have been focused on my marriage and my kids. I am not saying that people who marrying and have kids young are making a wrong choice (although I do think the divorce rate is much higher for those people and that says something) and I also don't think you should wait for Prince Charming, becuase no man is perfect, what I am saying is live your life, things will fall into place.
[ Reply | Options ]You will find that after about 26 things will move a lot more quickly once you meet someone. You definitely don't need to be worried. Even if you meet someone at 28, you could be married and pregnant by 30 because you may know yourself better than you would have at 24.
[ Reply | Options ]You guys are way too judgemental! Live at let live. There's plenty of older women finding love and happiness stories here, so I'll add my younger happiness story for balance:
[ Reply | Options ]*Hit enter on accident.. I'm 27, with a big kid, pregnant. Have traveled the world, own two business and basically 'been around the block quite a few times' in a shorter period of time. I met dh very young, knew what I wanted and jumped in headfirst. We're still madly in love 10 years later. I know many older women whose marriages didn't work out (I'm not saying young ones do, I just don't know many couples my ages)
[ Reply | Options ](me again, I'm obvious new) Does any of this mean anything? No, only you have to live YOUR life and do what's right for YOU. If we're honest, we all know when men, timing, etc is right. Yes most women in big cities are having families later and it works, but remember; women have had families far younger for most of history and that works too.
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That is the funniest thing!!! So you "settle" for someone who you are going to spend the rest of your life with?? I think it's very important to be picky in choosing your life mate!! People who want to have children have children. If someone doesn't get married until later in life there are options. There is single parenthood (donor sperm, adoption, foster parent). There are options to become a parent in your 40's or even 50's as well. I think it's very important to be patient and find the right person and not settle. I'm glad I did!! :)
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Well put. I didn't meet my spouse til I was in my late 30's and I wasn't picky just not lucky early on. It wasn't easy for us either getting pregnant but we were very fortunate that we did after 40! Tell your friends it still can happen. If they are in they're 30's it's possible if thats what they want. Nothing wrong with choosing something else.
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really -I had no career really - just never foudn someone to marry. I got married at 37 kid at 42 - doesn't happen for everyone like you. Nasty
[ Reply | Options ]You are simply slime, does your DH realize what slime you are? If he doesn't then he too is slime and no wonder you found each other, and if he does then he's dumping you and that's why you're bitter, and chances are he will dump you anyway in a couple of years for some younger, prettier slime.
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I met dh at 38. it can still happen for them. if it doesn't they need to realize there are lots of other great things in life and they can still be very happy and fullfilled without a family.
[ Reply | Options ]Now that I have mine I think it's tragic that some women don't get to experience having kids just because they didn't meet someone while they were still fertile. I tell them to just do it on their own. It will be a lot harder but better then not getting to have kids at all.
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Interesting before I met DH I figured I would be a single parent if I didn't find a partner. Now that I have my own, I realize I would have made a terrible single parent. I would totally support a friend who wanted to do it but I wouldn't encourage/suggest it exactly. It would also depend on their support network, finances etc.
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you can also encourage them to consider having one by themselves- it's harder, though it's sometimes easier depending on who the DH is, and enough women end up divorced anyways that there's no guarantee that being married will mean you have someone to raise kids with anyone. Also, remind them that women have kids up into their 40s, so it's too early to panic
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OP here - lately they've been wondering if they'd do better in another city and I say absolutely not - I think people are paired up much earlier in cities other than NYC. They should stay here, for sure. It's just kind of heartbreaking...
[ Reply | Options ]NP: Actually I disagree. I think that men in nyc don't feel the same need to get married and have a family as they do in most other places, where a single man over 30 really has "nothing to do". In NYC, men always have young women to date, clubs and bars to go to and careers to attend to. So women of a certain age are competing with all that. In other places, those guys for the most part would be much more interested in finding a women to marry and have kids with.
[ Reply | Options ]ITA. NYC is a tough place to meet people, believe it or not. Everyone's too "busy" and have "plans" and just too cool for school. They have too many options to want to settle down or think they'll meet someone better. I met DH a number of times by chance in NYC (we went to school together), but only said hi and didn't get to really talk until we met by chance in another city.
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I agree. I moved to a large city in the Midwest for a few years in my mid-30's and literally every man I met had married in his 20's and if he was single he was divorced with kids. These were men aged 30-34 by the way, not men in their 40's. It's exactly because people marry young in other places that it's hard to date and marry there.
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my BFF has been engaged twice and has made poor relationship choices...she says now that it probably won't happen, BUT she may adopt one child. I do feel sad for her and I think she's deeply disappointed. She's a teacher and gets her kiddie fix and was able to buy an awesome sports car. Different strokes!
[ Reply | Options ]It's not the same, I am a nanny, I LOVE the baby I care for but she's not mine. I love my godchildren, nieces and nephews, but I don't think having that 'kiddie fix' makes that desire go away. If anything it makes me want a baby even more especially since now I have more friends at work, aka mom friends, then I do young single friends to go out with and meet someone.. sad
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Friends MUCH older adopted kids from Russia and lucked out with gorgeous, smart, nice children. I had 3 kids in rapid succession late. There are opportunities to meet and have your own kids well into the forties, and there are opportunities for adopted families for much longer than that. It can be terribly painful though. As can divorce. I wish each and every one of them well.
[ Reply | Options ]if by your own dcs you mean biological, no there are not opportunites well into your 40s. by age 44 the chances are about zero.
[ Reply | Options ]This is an uninformed and inaccurate statement. My mother had me when she was 43. And I have a brother who is 18 months younger. And this was well before the days of IVF. Yes, it is certainly not common. But "about zero"? C'mon, lady.
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http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/news/20050825/after-age-44-fertility-successes-are-few
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It's a question of priorities. I think a lot of women think the family thing happens spontaneously, whereas professional career is something one has to work at attaining. The fact is if one wants a family one has to work on meeting the right person, and if a woman wants to have kids by a certain age, she has to start working on it even earlier. I know so many women who so blithely dated in their 20s and 30s and are now in the position of OP's lamenting friends. And I know some women who prioritized having a family and so they met people who had the same interests and priorities and relationships proceeded from there.
[ Reply | Options ]I think this is BS. I know plenty of women who made finding a dh their #1 goal since the age of 18, who STILL were single into their late 30s. Finding someone to marry who also wants to marry you is not like an easy thing nor does it happen for everyone. And given the number of women who bitch about their horrible dh's, it seems to me there aren't a lot of worthy guys either.
[ Reply | Options ]Yes, it does seem like something that is supposed to happen naturally, and in fact for people who meet and marry in their twenties or so, it generally does happen naturally--not because they put so much effort into "finding" people but because they meet people in venues where it is purportedly easier, school, work, and at a young age. But for those for whom that doesn't happen, it can seem like they didn't try hard enough--maybe they simply didn't know the right way to "try," maybe they didn't get lucky, whatever. It is just not something that can be achieved through hard work alone, like professional success can.
[ Reply | Options ]and even professional success involves some luck. i have a friend who is good at her job, but from the very beginning of her career, she was constantly called and offered terrific new jobs - even when she wasn't looking for one someone would call with a better offer. it's been like that for 15 years. she is not necessarily more successful than lots of other people, but her success has come very easily. i ahve another friend who always seemed to end u at the company that was bought out or went bankrupt or was sold. bad luck that really stifled his career and he was constantly in a job search that only got harder as he was older due to lack of longevity at any comepany.
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i think what you're forgetting is that women who are now in their 40s did not have match.com, jdate, facebook, etc. it was a lot harder to "work on meeting the right person" way back when. also, i think women who go after men with a big sign on their head that says "marry me and knock me up NOW!!!!" are a big turn-off for most guys.
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I tell them that if they really want kids, they should go out and get pregnant by any means possible (be it a one-night stand or IVF) and not wait for Mr. Right to come along, because plenty of women who do everything right and get married at 30, wind up divorced and bearing the brunt of parenting alone by the time they are in their late-30s. If you do it on your own, at least you don't have to deal with attorneys, custody arrangements and seeing your a-hole ex at DB's high school graduation.
[ Reply | Options ]There was a 40-year old lady at work who was terminally single- I mean, eating chef boyardee out of a can and watching CSI with her cat every night single- and one day she shows up at work looking pregnant. Nobody could believe it, but turned out she went to some industry function, got drunk, hooked up and conceived. It was the talk of the office, but everyone was really happy for her and no one had any judgements... so I'd tell your friends, there ain't no shame in going out and getting yourself a baby the old fashioned way... by accident.
[ Reply | Options ]There's nothing wrong with spaghettios and CSI!!! I've got one dc and another one on the way - you don't have to be single w/o kids to appreciate those luxuries!
[ Reply | Options ]This is me, minus the cat. And I eat smart ones instead,lol but Let me just say if I don't find someone in the next 5 years and am at least on my way to doing it the ideal way 'dating, engagment, marriage, baby' this WILL be me! I want a baby, I am an only child and my mom would make an amazing grandma, and I have made the decision if I am not on that road in 5 years I am doing it on my own!
[ Reply | Options ]Do you have any idea how hard it is to do it on your own?! Think about it before you go down that road
[ Reply | Options ]Since most husbands who WOHM offer very little support in terms of parenting duties, you wouldn't be taking on much more work than most of your married friends (even happily married, believe me). My husband is a wonderful dad, but in terms of the work I have to do, I don't think I'm that far behind a single mom. So if you have the finances to support the child on your own, don't wait for a man. There are other ways to get the sperm. Seriously.
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That's great if it worked for her but actually, most women can't suddenly get preg at 40 off of a one night stand.Many need to try regularly during most fertile days/may or may not coincide w/industry "function", and many married w/reg sex can take months if not a year to conceive at that age, if even without drugs/hormones!!
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It's important to remember that a woman's ability to influence a man's behavior moves inversely to her age - the older she is, the less "relationship leverage" she will have, and the fewer demands she can make. Adding insult to injury, all men in NYC assume that unmarried women over the age of 33 come to the table with significant cc debt, shaky employment situations, and one or more odorous pets. Women in the aforementioned demographic are regarded with a high degree of suspicion by successful men, and are usually offloaded in favor of Murray Hill co-eds who party at the 31st & Lex. Brother Jimmy's.
[ Reply | Options ]Yes you are the old guy who will still be looking at co-eds when your 60 and won't be able to get them. You will be so bitter my friend. Co-eds don't want old guys. Sorry to break it to you. I knew girls who used to take advantage of old guys to get their loans paid off etc. You don't see rich young girls with old farts believe me. It's the money.
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Say nothing because it will just make them feel bad, especially if you are married with children.
[ Reply | Options ]I met dh at 31, married at 33. By 35, had successful career. I went for my annual and OB asked if I wanted children. I said 'yes', and she said, 'well, you better get started. it's much harder as you get older and you might even want a second'. I thank her every day for lighting a fire under my a$$. Had 3 ds at 36,38,and 40.
[ Reply | Options ]"Nobody will ever want to marry someone with your old eggs". This was actually said to me by a mean ex-boyfriend after we broke up at age 30. Fortunately, my eggs were still good enough to have 3 beautiful children. I never fail to send him my annual Christmas photo of "my old eggs".
[ Reply | Options ]You really should get over it. Sending a mean ex your annual Christmas photo is very weird.
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they are aware. my 30 bf is always asking me if we can freeze them so he doesn't have to feel pressured. (I'm 29).
[ Reply | Options ]BF, Freezing, Pressure? Go, Go, run, run. My doctor said to me, as I was sitting in his office having a total nervous breakdown after breaking up with a long term BF at the age of 35, "if he doesn't talk marriage before 1 year, leave, if he doesn't propose after 1 year, leave, your time and your life is more valuable than that" Guess what, my dh proposed after 4 months, couldn't bear the thought of me (yes me) going off and marrying someone else.
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40 y/o granny mom here. Met husband at 38. Kid at 39. Had no spectacular career to "put on hold"
[ Reply | Options ]Most of the women I know who are in this situation (35-45, unmarried, fearing they'll never have kids) are not highly educated, ambitious career women. They're college grads, some with master's/MBA, who have had relationships and even short-lived marriages. They're all very average. At 25, they simply thought they had all the time in the world, and kept holding out for "Mr. Perfect" instead of working on a realistic relationship "Mr. Right". Quite frankly, I don't believe they truly wanted marriage and children, or they would have got married and had children. I think they are just staring down 40 and thinking they might have missed out on greener grass. (Meanwhile, 7 of my married friends with kids have told me that, if they could do it over, they would not have kids and they probably wouldn't even get married.)
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It's fine to get married in your 30s and have babies. No reason to even worry about it at 25 unless that's all you want. Such a ridiculous statement in this day and age.
[ Reply | Options ]I know some women like that and some who have had a really tough time just meeting someone nice. I was 28, single and dating loser guys who treated me like crap - then I found a great therapist, gained some confidence and met my DH, who, although is not the man I always pictured myself with, is an amazing guy, treats me like gold and I'm totally hot for him. 33 now and baby #1 on the way.
[ Reply | Options ]I was busy living my life! I'd be devastated if my daughter was doing anything BUT thinking she had all the time in the world when she's 25. Because she will! I feel so sorry for women who think that their mission in life is to catch a breadwinner. I'd much rather have a child on my own at 40 than spend my 20s gold digging like you pathetic, uneducated, small-minded suburbanites. You have no idea that there's a whole world out there.
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I met my husband at 39 and had my son at 42 - I would tell them that if they want the traditional family to (recognizing that there are other models that can work too) not to give up and keep trying to make what they want happen.
[ Reply | Options ]I got married at 42 and got pregnant on the 3rd try! no IVF, which has given my friends in their late 30s, early 40s, hope. But I think I was just very very lucky. I don't think my case is the norm and hope it doesn't inspire my single friends to think they have more time now to wait...
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I'm wondering if this is a case where polygamy should be legalized in America. I'm not talking about the crazies out there taking child brides or forced marriages. I'm talking about honest adults wanting to live this life style.
[ Reply | Options ]btw, I'm not suggesting this to be crass. I'm suggesting this may be a legit reason as a guy usually has been married for a while and hopefully has shown he is worth sticking with. Plus if he's a jerk you can always get the dirt from his current wife. So you know to avoid him. But if the wife says's he's awesome then why not? Is there really a case against it or what? Just thinking.
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I lie and say that I am sure it will happen for them. What else can you say? I have my own views (depending upon the person) as to why they are still single etc. but what they are looking for is an affirmation that they will have a family some day so I always say they will.
[ Reply | Options ]OP here - that is the best response yet! This post really took on a life of it's own, you are the first one who actually answered my question! That is what I have been saying, but as the years go by, it seems less and less likely. The oldest is going to be 40 in May...
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Hi! First time poster. A friend sent me here specifically to read & respond to this question. I'm 39, single, no kids, and blissfully happy. I really agree with the poster who said s/he thought it was a case of the grass is always greener, with a little bit of mid-life crisis thrown in. Most of the parents I know love their kids but are exhausted and broke and stressed and never sure they did/are doing the right thing (and I also know a few women who have said that if they could do it all again, they probably wouldn't have children). Most of the non-parents I know are staring down 35 or 40 or 45 and wondering if they made the right choices, because even though they have money and freedom and success, they wonder if they forgot to get married & have kids. I tell my non-parent friends that they did it exactly right. They can have all of the joys of children, and then hand them back to their parents at the end of the playdate. I love being an aunt.
[ Reply | Options ]I think I would reassure my friends that life is rich and reward and to be cherished whether married or single with or without children. Tell them if they really want a child they can consider doing it alone by adoption or biologically. What I would not do is chastise them for their choices of be mean and smug about my own. I wonder whether some of the women who have posted even have friends. Good lord ladies, some of you are certainly snarky. Yikes
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I'd tell them that it's not too late. Yes, they need to start thinking more seriously about motherhood if it's something they want, & maybe re-evaluate how important it is to them to also have a spouse/life partner in order to decide to have a baby. I'm 37 & am due with my first baby December 12. I live in LA, have a fast-paced lifestyle in the industry & really wasn't thinking about motherhood in terms of it being a top priority. I always had the "wait & see" frame of mind about it. Well, it happened, not expected, & not with someone I intend on marrying or being in a long-term relationship with, (although he is involved & will be in the picture as far as raising & providing for our daughter goes.) But, I realized that at my age, these opportunities don't come along everyday, & I decided to do it single-mommy style. I have the education, career, emotional security & financial stability now that I wouldn't have had if I'd have done this earlier, so I'm fine with it. So, don't despair ladies, I say that as women, we have choices & we don't always have to do things within this fixed structure that society tells us we have to do them in. We're women, capable of creating life & if you have an opportunity to do that responsibly, whether with a spouse or alone, I feel that you should totally exercise your options as a woman.
[ Reply | Options ]Half the women I know who married and had babies in their 40s were partnered with men with 'histories' (i.e. children from previous failed relationships). At that age, most unattached people will not meet someone with a clean slate, that's pretty impossible, but they keep hoping for that Mr. Right who's got no history. By the way, I'm the OR who wrote about priorities. Despite the disagreements, that's what I've seen, if a woman wants to have a family in a reasonable time frame, she can't be bothered to date somebody working in a video store looking to start a band (i.e. marriage and family are obviously not this kind of guy's priorities).
[ Reply | Options ]You really have some weird ideas, lady. Yes, most men in their 40s have failed relationships--I certainly hope so, and not that it's their first. As do most women. Finding someone you truly love at that point is magical--you seem to feel only damaged good are available, and thus I admire that you are as awful-sounding and equally smug about the men as you are about the women. I married my then-divorced husband at 36, and it was a true blessing to me that he had the first marriage (no kids)--I looked great by comparison!
[ Reply | Options ]That's so nuts though--who doesn't have a "history" at age 40? I'd rather have some perpetually single guy who's been in a relationship, has kids, etc. than someone who still has his Star Wars figurine collection enshrined in his living room and freaks out if you move his "special pillow" or something.
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Adopted on my own when I was 39 (am now 42) and it was the best thing I could ever have done.
[ Reply | Options ]Good for you! http://maryannecarter.com/
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Encourage them to meet single women who found themselves in that situation and went ahead and had kids on their own anyway. I know a few who have had their own children, whether by adoption or the sperm bank. They love their children and have no regrets.
[ Reply | Options ]^but DON'T keep up their spirits with tales of women who had children at 43, 44, etc. I know several women who waited too late to have their own biological kids, and have been devastated by series of miscarriages through blighted ovum, chromosomal abnormalities, etc. If you're 38 or 39, NOW is the time to get the ball rolling with finding a sperm donor or whatever. The process takes time and you might not be as fertile as you think you are. Fertility drops LIKE A ROCK around 42, and you can't count on being one of the lucky ones. Late 30s is the time to stop dithering-- go and have a baby now, and then you have the rest of your life to find a spouse.
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This is going to sound harsh, but the only wome I know who are over 35 and unmarried and childless and regretting it, are the women who are still going out to the bars 5 or 6 nights a week for happy hour, trivia, sports, or whatever other reason they have that day, having one-nighters with a guy they met after three or four drinks, doing the walk of shame the next day, and then whining over lunch about not meeting the right man. We've told them what they're doing "wrong", we've told them our stories about where we met our husbands (from sports leagues to online dating), and we've had weekend barbecues and invited them to meet our husbands' friends, coworkers, brothers and cousins, but they keep doing the same things, so I have to assume they don't really want what they claim they want. Which would be fine, if they would just stop complaining about it.
[ Reply | Options ]ITA. I know this isn't the case for all 35+ single women, but this is completely the case for the ones I know as well. For the past decade it feels like they have kind of been on autopilot living the same exact existence that most of my married friends dabbled in briefly in college/right out of school. A really drunk bar hopping early 20-something girl can be forgiven in a guy's eyes (imo) whereas someone 30+ engaging in the same behavior just seems pathetic/scary.
[ Reply | Options ]you are pathetic. It's a lifestyle choice. 30 is young. Most of my friends got married at around 35. And it's not autopilot - most enjoy there lives. Not everyone wants to just get married and have kids. I still have unmarried friends in their 40s 0 maybe they will never get married while half of you who got married in your 20s will be divorced. You may think that is better, but I don't judge like you. You sound awful as your cohort above.
[ Reply | Options ]I love how it is generalizing to say that the few single women I know are a certain way, (and admit that it isn't the case for everyone), but it is fine for you to assume that anyone who married before the age of 35 "just wants to get married and have kids". You don't "judge like me", but I am pathetic and awful? Wonder why it took you so long to get married...
[ Reply | Options ]I never wanted to marry young - didn't want to . I actually enjoyed going out to bars and concerts. I had a large group of friends. Nobody called anyone pathetic. It was fun. We weren't scary or pathetic. I was quoting you using the word pathetic - it was nasty and judgmental - which you obviously are. actually I don't know just a few - I know a lot - the city is full of them - some have great careers, some want to get married. Few were interested in marriage before 30
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Who are these people you guys "know"? Ew! I am well over 35 , not married and NOT barhopping or getting drunk or ever having one night stands (ew again). Why do you have to generalize? Oh, that's right, it makes it so much easier to smear a whole group of people you know nothing about. Right! Got it!
[ Reply | Options ]First of all I clearly stated that "this isn't the case for all 35+ single women", so not sure how I am smearing a whole group of people. It is the case for the ones I know, so if this isn't you I'm not sure why you are taking offense at the statement. Obviously I "know about" the people I know, as does the poster above.
[ Reply | Options ]I never had one night stands. I have friends who are single in long term relationships not interested in getting married and don't want children. Not everyone wants them you know. Oh and nobody is going out every night and getting drunk but sometimes - sure it's fun - I still think it's fun. Sit at home in front of the tv instead of going out. I don't care.
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Oh, this is so sad. I have a sister-in-law who always wanted to get married and have children, but it never happened for her. She is now in her 50's and still has not made peace with her lack of husband and children. It's very sad. And no, she is not a bar-hopping party gal that sleeps around.
[ Reply | Options ]Aw this is really sad. I wish there was some space for 'arranged marriage' in all the relationship options we have these days. Rather than go through years dating, hoping for engagement, etc. both the guy and girl state what they want and meet a few times. Sometimes love doesn't have to be intense passion right away, it can be a decision and knowing you have common goals is enough to fall in love.
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I had a baby at 36 on my own and I'm very happy with my decision. I think women should not deny themselves this experience even if Mr.Right did not come along (yet). I also believe that at certain age, women with children are even more attractive to the family-oriented men than women without kids (ok, not to everyone but many). Even now, when my child is under a year old, I have men in my life and hope to meet someone who would be a definite fit to our small family. Let them know that they should start considering other options rather than stick to idea of "ideal family". That's the reality of the time and place we live at.
[ Reply | Options ]I would tell such a friend that she has lots of options and opportunities. I would encourage her to ... consult with her ob-gyn to see if there were any reasons why she would have a longer or shorter window of fertility than average, consider freezing her eggs if bio children were so important that she might want to have them with a surrogate down the road, consider becoming a foster mom to 'try on' adoption, explore what life as a single mom would be like and make herself more open to it, expand her dating pool to increase chance of meeting Mr. Right and to make finding a mate a higher priority in her life so that she puts as much energy into finding a longterm partnership as she does other things.
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Please don't assume all women without children are lamenting over it - many of us are childless by choice, and pretty happy about it. I am 42, and assumed when I was younger it would eventually happen, but I never dreamed about having kids or necessarily thought about it at all. By the time I was in my late 30s, I realized, wow, I don't think I really want to - do I have to? Everyone doesn't have to have kids, and I think many women out there just assume that they are "supposed" to, because they may regret it later - and do it - but I know some kind of regret it. I have two friends that admit - they love their kids, but in another life, if they could do it over again they don't think they would... No flames please - kids are wonderful and I love them - and I know I am in the minority. I just wanted to point out you shouldn't feel sorry for all women who are childless, and don't assume they are all regretting not having kids...
[ Reply | Options ]I would tell my friend that she needs to make a decision now, "Does she want kids". There are so many options out there now. If I were in my late 30's had not met someone yet but wanted kids, I would find a sperm donor and have one. I would make it work one way or another and do everything in my control to do so. Late 30's doesn't mean they have no options are aren't having kids it just means they need to make a decision about how important it is to them to ahve a child w/ or w/o a significant other. IMHO at any age you can meet someone and fall in love/get married 30's, 40's, 50's 60's etc, however if you want to bear a child there is a window. So make the decision.
[ Reply | Options ]Nothing, because it's none of my business and there's really no way I could understand what they're feeling since I'm married and have children. I would sympathize with them if they were sad since that's what friends do.
[ Reply | Options ]Wow, I am really surprised to see how women are replying to each other on this topic. I agree that the first reply is out of line. Each woman has a different path in life and the greatest thing we can do for ourselves and our children or future children we may have is to be true yourself. There is no formula that you must follow, if you want to have a loving relationship, a family, a child, then be clear and except nothing less. If you want to travel, experience life jjj
[ Reply | Options ]Wow, I am surprised to see how women are replying to each other on this topic. I agree that the first response is out of line and lacking in understanding, I am grateful I had a mom who was. She taught me that every women has a different path to follow, the beauty of life is that we get to choose what path we want. The best thing you can do for yourself and for your children or future children is to be true to yourself. Some women want a family right away and some women want to travel and to have other experiences first. I am personally grateful that I did not marry the man who asked me at 25, I loved him but it wasn't the best choice for me. I waited until I met the right man in my 30's. Had I met him at 25 I would have married him then. It comes down to the right man at the right time whenever that is. I have friends who had kids at 18 and friends who had kids at 38 and all of them are intelligent, wonderful women who love their children and that's what is really important at the end of the day. Women are powerful and we should use that power to support each other.
[ Reply | Options ]in my opinion, nowdays it's better if people don't get married and have children, why? because human population now is waaaay too many.. it's the no.1 cause of global warming.. more people means we need more energy, water, house, cars, lawsuits, etc... so the more people not getting married the better, not just for other people but for the entire world... that's why i never want to get married
[ Reply | Options ]I would, and do, say, "I'm sorry. That sucks." Then ask them how they feel about adopting if they decide at a later date that they want children. I don't push the idea of having a child alone, as I can't imagine doing it myself now that I have a child and one on the way. However, when friends bring this up, I tell them if that's what they really want to do, then they should do it.
[ Reply | Options ]I would warn these people that pregnancy in the upper 30's is risky. I'd like to know why my upper 30's female friends are single in the first place, and never got the chance to have kids. Like it or not, you have to prioritize your life around biology. Mother nature doesn't give a damn about ideology or economics. You snooze you lose. What's the point of being educated and successful if you won't have posterity to be proud of? My personal opinion is this: start a family first, then develope the career. Can you imagine how hard it must be to have a nice job with good pay and benefits, and then you have to leave that job because you waited to start your family?
[ Reply | Options ]this is true. im sure if one had to choose no career, but having kids vs. a career and never having kids, most would choose having the children. and the good thing is life isn't so harsh, we can have the kids and go back to school, etc. my friend got married at 23 (after college), had 2 kids by the time she was 27, and both kids were in school by 30. she did an speech language pathologist degree in the meanwhile, so when the kids started school, she started a job. Yeah she had to scrimp in those few years while she was doing her master's but she doesn't seem to have regrets.
[ Reply | Options ]Pregnancy is not risky in your upper 30s if you are healthy - sorry you are wrong. I assume you had your family young because you chose to. I had an easy pregnancy in my 40s - omg - I snoozed and didn't lose.
[ Reply | Options ]you're still going to be close to 70 when your kids are getting out of college...but your choice/
[ Reply | Options ]so what. I have no choice. My grandmother lived till 94. I would have preferred 37 but it didn't happen so it was what it was. i have a healthy happy well adjusted child. I don't look at ages. Who cares how old I am when she gets out of college? Maybe just the women on UB. Better than not being born
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The judgmental and disgusting women on here make me SICK. You all need to get a life and stop judging people. Honestly, you think you have the right to tell people at what age they should or can have children?! Just because you settled and married just for the sake of it, doesn't mean we all have to follow your boring, cookie-cutter life. Single mom here to gorgeous, healthy amazing children I had on my own in late 30s because never found the right man. GO ahead, let's hear your judgments...
[ Reply | Options ]If they can handle it, My rec is to become a single mom by choice. I have loved being a single mom. Since my chikd was part of a plan it there is no sadness around my decision. Yes, there were days when it was very tough(around ages 3 & 4) But overall she is now 11, it has been the best choice I have ever made. Single parenting as a divorced parent or through loss is completely different since that was not your original plan. There is baggage with both of those "single parenting" types. My biggest problems have been financial.
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