UrbanBaby Asks...
Do you 'enjoy' spending time with your kids?
- Yes, most of the time we really have fun together
- Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's really dull and aggravating
- Honestly most of the time it's not fun at all, but it's not supposed to be fun
- I really don't enjoy it at all, and wish I could spend less time with them
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WWYD: DH said that he would start looking elsewhere if we don't start having sex more often. He has said this to me 2x. It does not motivate me to have sex with him more often...which I know isn't enough (about 2x/month) but I have no interest in it. How would you react?
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I can think of few things that would make me feel like a bigger loser than my wife ever feeling like this.
[ Reply | More ]you wouldn't even know it was happening. you would get your fill and she would be there to do it. some women change dramatically after having kids - sometimes more so after the 2nd - and they are not like their usual sex-fiend self. if this is something that will help keep your marriage intact, why be against it?
[ Reply | More ]Because sex with my wife is about sharing. It is about time together and making the other person feel good -- and enjoying doing it. I don't delude myself to think my cock tastes like fudge, I understand that sometimes she does things to me to make me feel good and for no other reason. (I do the same.) But there is pleasure/enjoyment in giving that. In doing that for the person you love. If all it is is something to suffer through, in all honesty, I'd rather she say no.
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That isn't a nice thing to say at all, but at least he is being honest... You need to make yourself have sex more than twice a month if you want a happy marriage. Make yourself do it at first, and you will probably find yourself liking it. When you are not in the habit, it can be really hard to get a good sex life started again. Give your husband a nice sex life and I am willing to bet that he gets 100% nicer and your life gets a lot easier.
[ Reply | More ]Yes, he is honest...always is, which is a good think I guess... Problem is, I don't like his approach. I tried having sex more often but just recently I stopped almost altogether...it made me feel terrible whenever we had it.
[ Reply | More ]ITDA. Having sex when you don't want to isn't a solution. You need to get to the root of WHY first.
[ Reply | More ]I really think this depends. A lot of us are tired, because we have young children, and have no sex drive. Just making yourself start to do it again can really improve your relationship, even though initially it can be tough to do. On the other hand, if you don't want to have sex and there is a very good reason (you honestly don't like the other person, he is abusive, etc.) then the WHY is important.
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either get involved with more sex or give him permission to have an affair, but the second choice probably sends you down the road to divorce
[ Reply | More ]a dh: In my experience, dw's desire for intimacy is as much about my behavior and our interactions/relationship as anything else. OR- I don't know how you communicate that without sounding defensive but you guys need to talk. I'll bet if you two spent a some time acting like you did when you first met, you'd feel differently.
[ Reply | More ]OP again: Thank you all for the advice...and thanks for setting me straight.I was feeling somewhat guilty about it, i.e. that I am not very attracted to him sexually. I think that if he did treat me better and reacted differently, I would feel more love towards him which would make me more attracted to him. Just not sure if he is capable of it. We have done marriage counseling and addressed some issues but not all.The marriage counselor (female) started to favor him (like understood why he wanted to look elsewhere..said that it was healthy for a young male to have sex) and when I said that he was too self-centered/arrogant, dh went on how about how hard he has worked, was born with nothing, etc. and the therapist nodded at him in admiration. I should have ended counseling there but went back a few sessions later and eventually walked out in the middle of a session. We went to one other counselor but wasn't much help either. So here I am on UB, thanks for the advice and support!!
[ Reply | More ]Maybe time for a male marriage counselor! We actually had a similar experience. It was awful. Finally convinced DH to go to marriage counseling with me. The therapist (female) wanted to meet with both of us alone first, him first. He told her about how after a few years our relationship had gotten so much harder, and he missed the passion we once had.. pretty normal stuff. His therapist told him it was normal to fall out of love after three years, and encouraged him to end the marriage! He was stunned, and needless to say we didn't go again. After that, she came to his workplace and tried to hit on him!
[ Reply | More ]Oh wow, that is terrible...did you report her? I was tempted to write a bad review on a website but decided I didn't want to continue the conversation with her... Glad to hear that your dh handled it well! Mine actually did too...he felt badly for me and agreed that we wouldn't see her again.
[ Reply | More ]No, I probably should have, huh? We can laugh about it now, but I just couldn't believe it at the time. I had to work so hard to get DH to agree to counseling, and she pressured him to leave me! I'm glad to hear that your DH stuck by you too. It makes you scared to try counseling again!
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I think if a married couple has little sex or none at all are headed for a break up unless there is a medical reason for it. If you and your dh want to salvage it, drop the baggage and move forward. The best way to reconnect is to have sex regularly. At least two times a week. Start through out the day with physical flirting. You initiate it. He will follow and initiate it also. Things such as holding of hands, kisses on the neck, full on body hugs. This sounds corny but it does help to break that wall down. When it comes time to have sex, think of it as reconnecting not just a physical thing. Put all the past out of your mind during this time. Slowly you will find yourself and dh back on the right path.
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