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I'm now just realizing (at age 32) that my mom is the least helpful mother in the world. She talks the talk about how she wants to help, but it's crap. I am 7 mos pregnant with an 18mo, recently moved to a new house and I work part time. I told her before we moved that I would really need her help at this time with babysitting and house stuff (cleaning, unpacking, etc), yet she has yet to help. She lives an hour away, so I try to book her in advance for a day of sitting and she'll give me 4 hours or so. She has not lifted a finger with the house stuff. Am I expecting too much? She is in good health. I feel angry and sad. All my friends mother's seem to step in big time at times like this, while mine has disappeared. How do I get over the anger??
49 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]Can you try sitting down and talking to her? Framing things in a context of, "I feel overwhelmed lately and could really use your help with x, y, z." Avoid things like, "You never..." because that will escalate into something bad. And, at the end of the day, you might just have to lower your expectations of her unfortunately. Haven't dealt with this with my own mother, but definitely other family members. It sucks but once you accept it you free yourself up from a lot of worry. GL.
[ Reply | Options ]LOL- you are me- 7 months pregnant with a 3 year old- my mom is young (late 50's), lives an hour away and works the school calendar year so is off the entire summer- not once did she offer to come and help me. I have to beg and plead for her and I feel horrible about it- she also expects me to come out to visit her more- and complains about the cost of parking in manhattan- I can go on and on but I will get flamed for sure- I don't feel entitled in that I expect her to help- there is just a side of me that wishes she were like my other friends moms who want to take their dcs for a day or two overnight or who move in with them after a baby is born- KWIM? It's something I just have to get over.
[ Reply | Options ]op wow our situations could not be more similar. i won't flame you! yeah my mom likes to have family dinner on sundays with my brother and his kids at her place (an hour away) and if im a no show, there's hell to pay. btw, my mom is RETIRED! she likes the grandmotherly show but does not like to do the dirty work.
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You are me. I never received nearly the help I needed, spending thousands every year on babysitting help while dh traveled 1/2 time, 3 dc. I was 'second set' of grandchildren, so 'been there, done that, not interested'. My advice: expect nothing and you will not be disappointed, and be prepared to shell out 30-40K for a nanny or just do it yourself.
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It was even harder on me because Mom gave tons of time with sister's kids, who were all born about 6-10 years before mine. I think she was just tired of kids by the time mine came around. We received much less of her time, grandchildren much less of her time that sister's family.
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It's simply not her obligation to be your assistant/housekeeper/nanny, and she shouldn't do it if she doesn't like to. Yes, we all want to be part of a family in which we all help each other, but it sounds like your mother did her childrearing and has now moved on with her life to other things she enjoys. Did you ask her if she would help before you made the decision to move to a new house while being seven months pregnant and with a toddler? Or did you make these decisions and just take for granted that your mother would work (cleaning and unpacking is hard work, as is babysitting all day) for you for free? Plus, she does live an hour away, so giving you four hours of sitting takes up six hours of her day. If you need more help, you'll have to hire someone or trade babysitting with a friend. I'm sorry you have put yourself in an overwhleming position and are sad and angry and hurt, but maybe your sense of entitlement is exactly why your mother doesn't want to be around you.
[ Reply | Options ]i made the decision to move b/c it was the best timing for us - we ran out of space and got a great deal on a house. i never assumed anything. i'm just hurt that she's not inclined to reach out. i feel i help her and my dad a lot with chores at their place (raking, shoveling, etc) when it comes up. and she knows that i will be there for her in old age.
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I can't really relate as my mom watches my ds 3 x a week while I work part time. She will also babysit maybe 1x per month so my husband and I can go out. I realize it is a lot for her as she has health problems although my sister and a babysitter come and help out at least once a week. Maybe you took on too much at once with moving and the new baby and are blaming your mother for your stress level when it really isn't her responsibility.
[ Reply | Options ]op i think you are missing my point. i know it's not her responsibility. i am just hurt that she doesnt want to reach out more and get to know my kids
[ Reply | Options ]Well would she be more apt to spend time with your kids if it wasn't to babysit but if you brought them over to her house with you staying so you wasn't responsible for looking after them and if maybe all of you went together on outings.
[ Reply | Options ]There's nothing to get to know yet. One is 18 months and the other isn't even born. If it's about her getting to know the kids, I don't think you get to start complaining until they're much older. If she doesn't like kids at all, she may not want to get to know them until they're out of high school.
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Your mom owes you N O T H I N G. Take responsibility for yourself. Hire a babysitter if you need help.
[ Reply | Options ]op another one missing my point. did i ever say she "owed me"? i am just sad she does not WANT to help
[ Reply | Options ]Why are you sad about her deciding how she wants to spend her time and then doing it? And yes, your original post was all about how she didn't help you when you expected it, so I think we all got your point just fine. She didn't help unpack, clean or babysit, and you're upset because you got less help than someone else in your family.
[ Reply | Options ]I feel bad for you. My mom and dad are both very hands on with my 20 mo old ds. My dad probably more so than when we were young. Of course my parents have been wanting a grandchild forever and this is their first. I wonder if they will be as hands on come my sister's and brother's kids. Probably not as much I would think.
[ Reply | Options ]I was sad too, but the reason I was sad is because I expected and kept expecting that she would want to help. She did and does not, and when she does, looks upon it as an obligation, not fun. Because I kept wanting her to enjoy it, I was constantly disappointed. You need to stop caring, stop expecting, and you will not be disappointed. Instead of wishing for that postcard Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving dinner with a huge happy family you will never have, plan your own special holiday with friends, or a trip. Get it?? You need to do this to let go of the anger and resentment. Seriously.
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your mom sets you up for disappointment because she TALKS about wanting to help but doesn't. and she probably talks about helping to make herself feel better for not actually helping. you'll just have to learn to ignore her chatter.
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np My Mom (while helpful in other ways) has this tendency too - spent a lot of time talking about how she wanted to do laundry and clean for me when DD was born, but didn't actually do it. One day I just told her I didn't have a problem with her not doing it, but was sick of hearing about it. She told me she talked about it to make herself feel better about not doing it. I said too bad, shut up already, I'm the new Mom here (nicer than that). Next day she came over and cleaned and did laundry, but was super-morose about it.
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I think it sucks that able-bodied parents don't want to be more helpful to their adult children and more involved in the lives of their grandkids. And I think the reverse sucks too - when adult children do not reach out to their elderly parents or grand-parents. But I know one thing, those grandparents who are too busy and independent to help and be involved with grandkids now are not going to have anyone visiting them in the old folks home down the road and that will be very sad for them.
[ Reply | Options ]My mom lives 50 miles outside NYC and hasn't visited us in our current apartment once in 4 years. I have and 18 month old DD. She expects us to come visit her 2 times a month. When we are there she cooks dinner, but pretty much does nothing else that is helpful. What burns me up is that she has "watched" my sisters kids for her for the last 14 years, for free. She sees me when I feel like making the drive, which is a lot less than 2 times a month.
[ Reply | Options ]As someone who lost their mother within the past year, and whose dc's never got to know here I ask that you please try to enjoy the time you have with yours and the good parts of her. I'd give anything for my mom to meet my kids for just an hour. Nevermind 4.
[ Reply | Options ]I am sorry for your loss. Feel lucky though that you had a great mother. Mine is still with us, and she is a nightmare (NP). She is vindictive and nasty, tossed me out when I was 15 (I was a well behaved honor student). Now she is in her declining years (early dementia) and she insults me when i try to help her. I realize I have put decades into trying to build a relationship with a woman who was damaged in her own awful childhood (her mom was seriously mentally ill, and was finally put away when she tried to stab my aunt). I have done nothing but build bridges with my mom, but now she is losing it a little herself, her total narcissism has been unmasked. She can't even fake it any more. Not all mothers are mothers. You and your mom were so lucky to have had each other, and I am sure you meant the world to your mom as she did to you.
[ Reply | Options ]everyone should just try to appreciate the positives in their lives, which may or may not include their mother. Friend's mother is alcoholic and was abusive, and she keeps her children away from that grandmother. That friend is grateful to have a wonderful dh and well adjusted dcs.
[ Reply | Options ]i am poster above and my mom wasn't exactly Mrs. Brady either. She had some wonderful attributes as well as some that were hard to deal with. My point is try to accept the negatives that you can't change. Focus on the positives and enjoy whatever time you can. The OP sounds like she has a typical mom -- some good, some bad. No use dwelling on the bad when life is so fleeting.
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