new post »
see more posts »
I need help. Seeing a therapist but need some btdt posts pls. My dad is a classic narcissit and sincce having my DC I'm always clashing with him because he has no regard for anyone else and always has DC (4 YO) out later than I want, buys him too much crap and generally indulges him more than I care for. My parents are divorced and we're all just tired of my dad and his crap. So exhausting. When I put my foot down it errupts in screaming match and not much gets accomplished. So sick of his crap but don't want to cut him out of DCs life completely. SIGH!
76 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]-
-
-
disrespecting your position isn't ok, but what is the reason for him to be home 2.5 hours ago?...does it really matter or is it just you being in control?
[ Reply | Options ]http://lipok.20x.cc/wifelovedf/map.html Wifelovers
[ Reply | Options ]
-
-
-
Your dc's will And, that Grandpop likes to spoil him. DS will understand that your father is not his parents. Stop clashing with him. It will change nothing and give you continued heartburn. Try the honey approach "Dad, I love that you spend time with Liam and spoil him. I want him to have a relationship with you. Hey, maybe next time instead of buying him a WII game (since he is so yougn and you bought him a great one last time), could you set up a college savings account (529) instead? I would love to tell him, when he goes to college,that you are making this possible for him. " You need to drop your baggage with your Dad and chiil out, as long as nothing dangerous is happening. My guess is he didn't treat you this way, right? How do you feel about that?
[ Reply | Options ]op: He speaks to me in a way that is disrespectful and it's rubbing off on DC. He hears my dad get lippy with me and thinks he can do the same.
[ Reply | Options ]you are projecting. dc is 4yo, all dcs get a bit lippy at that age you just have to not accept that behavior. you are speaking very disrespectfully of your dad here, i have to believe you do the same in real life ("we're all just tired of my dad and his crap") and you are obviously still listening to your mom trash talk your dad. if hes awful, just cut him off. if he's not, chill out.
[ Reply | Options ]http://lipok.20x.cc/cheat-co80/map.html Cheat Code Central
[ Reply | Options ]
you are totally bringing your own baggage to this -- EVERY grandparent does this! fighting it just makes you look like a banshee and probably scares dc to death. if you have no reason to think dc is in danger, why not let them have a good time?!
[ Reply | Options ]-
op: I disagree with the baggage comment. My dad looks for things to stir the pot. He would never pull this nonsense with my bro and his kids. DH and I are not lippy to one another and DC doesn't witness disrespectful exchanges. My dad is clearly undermining me and it's not good for DC.
[ Reply | Options ]so make it so that he doesn't undermine you and cut him some slack. sorry, but you're being totally unreasonable. grandparents do this ALL THE TIME. you can fight it and keep paying your therapist, or you can accept it, revise your expecations, and eliminate the unnecessary drama in your life. up to you.
[ Reply | Options ]Revise my expectations? How so. I'm the the mother. I'm a reasonable person and my dad should have the courtesy to do as I ask with regard to my DC. How is that unreasonable and why should I shrug it all off?
[ Reply | Options ]because you're clearly using your DC as a way of indirectly controlling or getting revenge on your dad -- be here by X time, do this, do that, etc etc., like he can't be responsible enough to watch out for his grandchild. he resists, you fight, and there's drama. since you don't actually seem to be worried about his ability to care for dc, next time, just let him take dc out, don't give instructions, and CHILL OUT.
[ Reply | Options ]op: DC had a swim lesson today and he missed because my dad kept him out. Then dad told me it's ok because he doesn't like the teacher anyway and it's a waste of time. Not his place to do this.
[ Reply | Options ]Ok, so if you know your father has time mgt issues re: bringing him back on time, WHY WOULD YOU LET HIM TAKE HIM OUT THE DAY HE HAS A SWIM LESSON?! you know your audience -- don't give him room to disappoint. let them go out on days where the schedule is free and he can be a free agent -- that way, you won't be disappointed. this really isn't that hard.
[ Reply | Options ]op: Your shouting is not necessary. I think its perfectly acceptable to say to a grandparent, if you would like to take him, no problem. Please have him back at noon, he has a swim lesson.
[ Reply | Options ]ok, well we see that didn't work out so well for you, did it? bottom line is that managing this situation is totally within your control but for whatever reason you insist on creating situations where you bang heads instead of finding a constructive solution. you need to manage him and that relationship better. this is not rocket science.
[ Reply | Options ]nnp: so sound a bit hysterical. OP is clearly frustrated and not sure she is even looking for more than a place to vent. You sound smug.
[ Reply | Options ]http://pipecvsem.kilu.de/trineroe.html this
[ Reply | Options ]
np: I agree with youop. OR seems overly confident in her advise. I have a similar situation and it can be really exhausting. No advise other than to ignore as much aspossible and expect very little from your dad. he wil never change. that said, try to put some distance between him and DC once in a while.
[ Reply | Options ]and what might make me confident in my advice? because i have seen people drive themselves batty when a little inter-personal management is all that's needed. don't send dc out with father when you KNOW he has an appointment. don't impose lots of rules that you KNOW he will break.
[ Reply | Options ]
-
http://lipok.20x.cc/hot-wive3f/map.html Hot Wives
[ Reply | Options ]
-
I know grandparents are allowed to spoil grandchildren. But I'm a my kid, my rules kinda girl. If my parents or in-laws don't like my rules when it comes to MY child. They can hit the road. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. Now I won't pitch a fit over them feeding the kids too much sugar or keeping them out past my requested time (as long as it's not a school night). But disrespecting me or undermining me in front of my kids or hitting my kids is a big no no. And if they breach these rules and basically give whatever I say the finger, I will stop all visits in a heart beat. I don't subject myself to repeated disrespect. Even from family.
[ Reply | Options ]-
They should be. I paid for my undergrad and grad school with help from student loans. Never asked them for anything once I was on my own by age 19. Work hard along with my husband to take care of our family. Ask to be treated with the respect as a parent because I deserve it and earned it. If they can't respect me in my home and want to devalue how I raise my children then they don't need to be around. We can call and email each other. I'm sure OP would not care if her dad kept her DC out a little late if he should her some common respect and courtesy regularly. He doesn't sound like he's doing that. So he needs to hit the road.
[ Reply | Options ]-
plenty of people pay for their own schooling and still indulge their parents a little. are your parents sometimes terrible people? if so, then setting up really strict boundaries would make sense. but if they are on the whole nice, loving grandparents and you would stop visits because you feel they are undermining you... the tone kind of sounds extreme.
[ Reply | Options ]Yes I would. Especially if I've spoken with them about undermining me or disrespecting me in front of my children. I probably would not ban them, but I would limit the visits. I have zero tolerance for them hitting my children. I told them I don't do it and they are not to do it. My mother slapped my then 4 year old. And I mean slapped. Not a swat. Then proceeded to tell me I was too lenient with him. Well. We obviously disagree on what is acceptable so I cancelled all visits except for the big family get togethers. She got the point and was able to see DC again.
[ Reply | Options ]
-
np: I'm sorry but you have some seriously major control issues. You would shut your family out just.like.that? You sound like a very cold fish. Your kids are not lucky to have a mom like you. You will some day turn this all or nothing attitude on them - obey my rules, live your life the way "I" want you to, or you can just kiss good 'ol mom goodbye forever.... nice...
[ Reply | Options ]I can live with that. Because a mom should be able to dictate the rules of how she is raising her child, even if I disagree. I have no problem bringing a child back when the mother requests and would never try to undermine the mother of my grandchildren just because I can or to prove a point.
[ Reply | Options ]
-
Take it with a grain of salt. he's their grandfather and he should spoil them. just try to keep some distance, and don't let him take you son if you have other committements. ignore if possibly. it will save you many nights of endless sleep. btdt - trust me.
[ Reply | Options ]-
My close cousin had a FIL like this. He would make these passive-aggressive unkind remarks about my cousin's mothering. If she said please don't give DC sugar, he would give the child 3 snickers bars in one sitting, I kid you not. Not just maybe a lollipop. She would address stuff like this with her FIL and he would always end up yelling at her and saying he could do what he wanted with the limited time he had to spend with this grandchild. (He lived out-of-state). The kicker came when he deliberately left DC's inhaler at home. He felt that because the boy didn't have full-on asthma attacks like you see on TV she was overmedicating him. Kept harping and harping on the medication. He took DC out and he had a full-on asthma attack that landed DC in the hospital for 3-days.
[ Reply | Options ]then you just cut him off. this is easier than op is making it seem. most situations don't need to go that far but sometimes they do.
[ Reply | Options ]I agree with you. Some posters are saying just ignore it and let grand-dad do whatever it is he wants to do. But when do you draw the line? When DC get hurt? When your DC in turn becomes rude? I'm for nipping these things in the bud, but honestly some grandparents don't want to listen.
[ Reply | Options ]
...him in the hospital for 3 days. Still wouldn't even apologize for leaving the inhaler. She barely says hi to him when she sees him and never leaves DC in his care.
[ Reply | Options ]this is the same as missing a swim lesson that ds says he doesn't want to go to? please. let's keep these issues in perspective. this is NOTHING like OP's situation.
[ Reply | Options ]You're right it doesn't. But where does OP draw the line or should she just let him do whatever it is he wants? Maybe she should just to keep the peace.
[ Reply | Options ]she should draw the line at safety. and then manage her father so that she doesn't give him the power to disappoint her. don't let him take dc out when there's an appointment to be made, etc.
[ Reply | Options ]^^btw, she says her bro doesn't have these problems with their father. my guess is that the brother doesn't hover and cuts the father a wide berth. hence, they get along better. op can do the same thing and save herself a lot of heartache, if she wants to. sounds like she's looking for a reason to cut him off, though, imo, harmful as that may be to him and dc.
[ Reply | Options ]
I say that you should cut your dad a break! He sounds like a granddad who is involved. Let the guy enjoy his grandkids.
[ Reply | Options ]
UrbanBaby Asks...
Are you or your partner ever naked in front of your children?
Already voted? View Results
Flashback
The Kid's Menu
Video: Cooking With Grandma Gigi
Granddaughter Olivia helps make plantation casserole...
Also:Lunchbox Recipes
School Lunch Obsessive (video)
Make your Own Baby Food
Baby Food Taste-Off
Is it wrong to ask minors to mix martinis?
Can you tell a pregnant boozer to stop?
