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Am a devoted & successful DH who loves wife and 4 yr old DS very much. Wife wants a divorce, I am surprised and heartsick. Said she is not in love anymore. She has emotional & attachment issues she wont face and work through. Been together for 12 years, drifted away for past 2.
52 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]There was just an article in NYT yesterday about a woman who told her husband "i don't buy it" and just gave him his space to figure out his own problems and he ultimately worked his way back.
[ Reply | Options ]I was actually just going to suggest this article. It was fantastic. DH: Sorry you are dealing with this. The author of that article took a very specific approach...never asked if a reconciliation was possible, just didn't acknowledge his statement. As for scenarios where it turned around, a friend's parents worked through a similar situation. No antidepressants, just a very, very patient DW who stood by him. Sorry not more helpful
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why do you think education and socioeconomics staves off divorce? i would think the opposite.
[ Reply | Options ]there are groups for people with spouses/partners who suffer depression BUT you have to be sure that is what is going on and your wife isn't just using it as an excuse. have you both been to therapy to address these issues?
[ Reply | Options ]Sorry to hear that. Could you keep trying to talk to her and to help her to open up to you? Even if you don't realize, there must be something she is unhappy about your marriage. Remember, she thinks differently from you. Try to find out what is her problem and show her your support and love. Don't give up. People can always change their minds since we all evolve in our lives. If your marriage is precious to you, do everything you can to save it. GL to you!
[ Reply | Options ]Thanks so much for the good wishes. I asked her last night if I could hold out hope and she said no. Terribly sad.... You are right, this has been a long time coming and she is steadfast in her decision. Problem is that she never told me and once she did, it was too late and she didnt want to do the work. I am to blame too of course, I know my controlling faults and I certainly felt our distance - but we never talked about it. I wanted to but I guess I was too scared....and then it was too late.....My marriage is the most precious thing to me and have done everything I can do, but, the more I push to try to save it, the more it slips away like sand in my fist....
[ Reply | Options ]Could you ask her what she wants in her life? What is she planning to do after the divorce? It may give you an idea what she is unhappy about. If she's burying herself to work, I think she is trying to hide away from the problem. Her problem may not have anything to do with you or your marriage...it may be the problems she's been carrying before you married her. It may sound silly... but could she be lesbian, or did she have some kind of trauma while growing up? Could you talk to her about your dc? Can she think for a moment about the impact your divorce would have on your dc for the rest of her life? Is it fair for the child? Could she try to make more effort for the sake of her child as much as she cares about herself? It is hard...but sometimes patience could bring secret present...Can you ask her to just wait a bit more before making the drastic decision? Will you tell her that you're willing to make changes she wants in order to save your marriage because your marriage is the most important thing in your life and that you're willing to work with her to deal with her problems? Don't give up...it will be over when you give up...If this is so important to you, it's worth fighting for with everything you have. I feel so bad for your dc and you and your wife...Wish you all the best.
[ Reply | Options ]^^^sometimes patience can bring secret present...Could you ask her to give you some more time before she makes the drastic changes? Don't give up if this marriage is so important to you...it's not over until you give up...Could you tell her you're willing to make changes and to work with her to deal with your and her problems? When she talks to you, just listen to her...don't say anything but to listen...if you say anything defensive, she may clam up again. Nothing is impossible...with love. I feel so bad for your dc and you...and your wife. Wish you all the best.
[ Reply | Options ]We tried a couple different therapists, the consensus was that her work has been an escape. She did have trauma growing up with her parents and their divorce and she became anorexic and was hospitalized. She seemed so grounded and balanced and we have been together for 10 years. There is something there that is impacting her life but I dont know what it is. Whatever it is, she is not going to face and wants it left alone. I can only deal with her feelings towards me. It is not feelings for another man, I kind of wish it were because then this would make sense to me. I have asked her to contemplate the impact of her actions on all three of us. I have asked her to take more time. I even managed to secure an intensive retreat when all was done and over but that didnt change her mind. I still wont give up and maybe time will change her mind, we have plenty of it through this divorce process....but, she filed the paperwork and now our lawyers are in touch with eachother. I defintiely learned things I could have done better and differently, just wish I got a chance to try....
[ Reply | Options ]Based on your post below, it sounds like she still cares about your dc. Could you talk to her to think for a moment what she is doing for her dc? Can you ask her to her dc's interest before herself because she's an adult and your dc is a helpless child who will pay the dear price of what she's doing? Could you remind her how it was for her when her mom divorced? It seems like a vicious cycle, like a Karma, hat she can't get out of for now. Tell her to help herself and her child to stop the vicious cycle of the divorce. Was she in any chance abused by a men (step father etc.)? She sounds "depressed" and is getting deeper into it. I think she needs "medical help" for her depression. Can you think carefully about what happened 2 years ago? Something must have triggered her to start falling into this depression. She may not realize that she' depressed, but she may be. Could you ask her to seek medical help together for the sake of your dc? Let her realize her dc being alone with her is not fair for the child. She is going to make this child to carry her problems on this little child's shoulders. Ask her if she was happy when she was a child and tell her not to perpetuate the vicious cycle. Ask her if she wants her daughter to grow up like herself? It breaks my heart to think about what's happening to your innocent dc...not to mention to you ...and your wife. Try to seek medical help, why not?
[ Reply | Options ]^^^ Something must have triggered her to start falling into this depression. She may not realize that she' depressed, but she may be. Could you ask her to seek medical help with your support for the sake of your dc? Let her realize that her dc being alone with her is not fair to the child. She is going to make this child to carry her problems on this little child's shoulders. Ask her if she was happy when she was a child and remind her not to perpetuate the vicious cycle. Ask her if she wants her daughter to grow up like herself (getting a divorce with a little child)? It breaks my heart to think about what's happening to your innocent dc...not to mention to you ...and your wife. Try to seek medical help, why not? Ask her to try it for the sake of your dc...
[ Reply | Options ]Oh she cares about DC, absolutely, and is a warm and loving mom. I have talked to her about the impact of divorce on all of our lives repeatedly but its not going anywhere. Mind is made up, firmly. She doesnt want to be pushed out of her decision comfort zone. There was something severe that pushed her from okay to bad. I have suggested medication and depression but she wont have it. Its hard to argue depression when it is one area of life and not spread throughout. Problem is that she isnt really exposed to marriage - family and friends not married....Thanks for your note, this is the first time I have chatted online about it and its a helpful resource...
[ Reply | Options ]Do you think she is talking to any of her friends and family members about possible divorce? Could you get their help to reach her? If she cares so much about her dc, could she put her dc's interest before hers for a while? Could you try to stay married until she needs to get divorce, like finding someone she needs to marry etc.? You can tell her that you will stay out of her way and giver her the space she needs, but you would like to try more before making irreversible decision. Could you come to a compromise with her? I feel your pain and really sorry...
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Rent and watch the movie 'Fireproof'. I guarantee you won't regret it. It's about this guy who sets out to fix his marriage when his wife wants a divorce because she doesn't love him anymore. He goes to great lengths to prove he still loves her. Changed our relationship and we weren't even separated.
[ Reply | Options ]Wow - are you my dh?! I think I could be your wife. I don't have any suggestions for you except to say I'm sorry. I'm having the same feelings toward my own marriage of 9 years. I'm not depressed or on meds, but just equally as surpised as you to find myself considering divorce when I always thought that came about when both parties were unhappy, not one.
[ Reply | Options ]I cannot even begin to imagine the whirlwind of hurt and sadness you must be going through. Since she seems unwilling to mend the relationship, I feel that maybe you should work on your own therapy, and help reconcile maybe why you are drawn to women who are emotionally unavailable. I say this with the utmost sincerity. You need to take care of you now. And you need to heal and be better for child. No one can promise that you guys will get back together, but you do have control over you. Be your own best friend, work through this in therapy.
[ Reply | Options ]Thanks, thats what people say - and I believe it and I will eventually be better off and But whats best for me is for our family to be together, or so I think right now with my limited foresight. I know that I will be better off, we all will, once I get through this - after all, who wants to be with someone who doesnt love you. But, I really thought that working through a great distance and surviving mught be a gift to our marriage. Something that would make it last for the next 50 years. The worst part is that it takes me surprise. Anyway, I am going to therapy once a week. Thanks for your response.
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you sound like a very nice guy who would make someone a great dh, just not your wife. if she is so emotionally unavailable and steadfast in wanting termination of marriage, do you really want to be in such a marriage? this is a cliche but there are truly lots of women out there who would be a far better soul mate for you and be able to return the desire to have a strong togetherness as you seem to want. if and when you do get divorced, i assure you you'll find out what i mean if you went on eharmony or match.com. they make surprisingly good matches.
[ Reply | Options ]ita. let her go. also, desperation is the most unattractive thing. If you let her go and then start living YOUR life to the fullest, she may remember what she loved about you and think twice. Plenty of people have re-married the person they divorce. You sound like you're being needy right now and it's only making her want to run away from you faster. you need to find yourself again before trying to get her back.gl.
[ Reply | Options ]She is a workaholic. She likes being away from home. I was hurt by this to I showed indifference, this led to our distance. I thought that if my indifference led to our distance, then my care and concern could bring it back. Everyone has said you are showing desperation to her, it is turning her off - maybe.... But I have showed the opposite of desperation to her for a long time....I do agree though that the needy desperate tact is not working. I stopped that a week ago - have to move on now.....
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iwould say your comment "she has emotional and attachment issues she won't face and work through" is probably the reason she wants a divorce! not that it is true, but that you would pronounce that. Who are you - God? It is a patronising statement which prevents you from truly communicating and hearing what she has to say, and respecting it.
[ Reply | Options ]i don't see it as patronizing at all. the wife doesn't want to be in the marriage; he has tried and she's adamant. she has closed doors to reconciliation and he's stating this. in the long run, he's better off not being in this cold marriage.
[ Reply | Options ]I agree. You can't force a spouse by begging, pleading, and otherwise making a fool out of yourself to stay in a marriage or to work on a marriage. I'm very sorry for you DH. Your wife has to have some small part in her that wants to make this marriage work. She doesn't. Move on. Prepare yourself mentally and physically. Get outside support for yourself and your son like counseling, a lawyer/mediator, start figuring out what kind of custody/visitation/child-support/alimony arrangements you would like. My husband had a male friend who went through something similar 10 years ago.
[ Reply | Options ]^^^ He asked his wife to give him 90 days to turn the marriage around. She wouldn't go to counseling. So he went alone. She wouldn't come with him to get any type of self-help/marital help places, so he went alone. He asked her out on dates. She would decline. He did all this things for 90 days and she still would not change her mind. They got divorced and he has long moved on 11 years later. He has no regrets. She has no regrets. But they did have a period where she was trying to make trouble between him and his steady girlfriend. But she got over it.
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We have been to therapy for a year. Unfortunately she wouldnt really talk during therapy. I have never seen her as reticent or unable to communicate. I think the deal was that she had made up her mind and didnt feel comfortable coming out of that zone where her mind was made up. I hate sounding like someone who puts the blame of the divorce on the other. I really do. I always thought that persons who say "I had no idea, I never saw it coming..
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See if you can get her into therapy with you. That seems a very selfish and silly reason to get a divorce and if you can get her to try to save the marriage, at least for the kids, it will be better. GL
[ Reply | Options ]The only person you can control or change is yourself. If she wants out and refuses counseling, then you have to let her go and rebuild your own life. Among the people I know, it has always been only one person who wanted the divorce. This means that the other person walks a painful road of adjustment. The sooner you start accepting, the better off you'll be in the long run
[ Reply | Options ]have you ever thought of the fact that maybe, just maybe there might be someone else? I mean, the fact that she doesnt want to reconcile at all seems very firm. I could be wrong, but anything is possible. I don't mean for you to be all paranoid now about a potential affair, but she's so ready to move on, and from how you describe it, she seems very emotionally uninvested, possibly bc her emtions might be invested in someone else. It is very likely that she did not have an affair, however, it is equally likely that she is capable of denying it also. Something to think about I guess.
[ Reply | Options ]Absolutely, its strange but I wish it were the case. Her mom was divorced twice due to infidelity and its something she would never consider. And, I know how hard it is to get her to feel comfortable around a male, it took me years to get her to really open up and be comfortable with herself. She is so guarded and closed that no one could ever get in there unless she let them. And Im pretty positive that she would not let anyone in over the past year, more likely the opposite - whatver openness she had for a period of time is now closed. Its not that she wants another man or thinks she can do better, its that she doesnt want any man right now. She just wants to be alone with our child.
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