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Serious question. It was revealed a few years ago that my father, who was always a good dad to me, molested one of my male cousins some 30-odd years ago. Nothing ever came of it legally due to statute of limitations, however, my dad admitted it was true. He has made many apologies, and at first I just wanted to forgive him and still have my dad, but recently it's become less easy for me to do this. And ironically, after many months of me trying to get him to come visit us, now that he's thinking about it, I'm less sure. He's seen our kids a couple of times (always with us right there of course), but now I just don't know. What do I tell him? Pls. no flaming.
39 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]I would never put my child at risk. To me that would mean, no visit. The first thing a pedafile does is gain trust of his young victims...You are doing that for him, by presenting your children with a "trusted" grandfather. If you expose your children to him, you are as guilty as he is if something were to happen.
[ Reply | Options ]There is never just "one" victim...There are often many. It is possible that your cousin was just the one who was strong enough to come forward.
[ Reply | Options ]OP Yes, absolutely, and I believe there were more than probably the rest of us will never know about. An added difficulty for me personally is that I have no siblings, and my mother is very focused on how this revelation as affected her view of her own life (they were divorced before this came out, but that's my mom for you), so, I don't have anyone but my husband and therapist to talk to about this.
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OP I realize this is an emotional topic for a lot of us, but could someone please actually read my question? I already said I'm not sure about a visit (OK, I'm pretty much against it at this point), but my question is, what do I say to my dad? Please try to imagine that this is your own father, who was a great dad to you for many years and never hurt you personally, and who, despite it all, you really love.
[ Reply | Options ]As someone who's father makes racist remarks (my kids are not white), I told him point blank, if one wrong work EVER comes out of his mouth--I'm gone and he'll never see his grandchildren again. He knows I'm serious. I can honestly say, if my dad were a pedophile, he would not know my children. I would have no problem cutting him out of my life completely. I love my father, but I love my children more. IT is that simple.
[ Reply | Options ]You can have a relationship with your father that does not involve your children. Go visit him ALONE. Call him on the PHONE. Please don't have him around your children.
[ Reply | Options ]ITA. If OP welcomed him into the lives of her kids and let her guard down, the consequences could be tragic--and she'd NEVER forgive herself.
[ Reply | Options ]You say, "I will always love you, because you are my Dad. However, while I am always pleased to see you, I can only allow you to have a very distant relationship with your grandchildren until they are older, can understand what you did to my cousin, and can then make a decision for themselves as to the kind of relationship they would like to have with you. Therefore you are welcome to join us at large family occasions, but I can't allow you to stay in my house, or have unsupervised visits with my kids. Again, I love you, but I hope you understand that I must put my children first." Take it from one who knows. My dad, who was also a nasty drunk for much of his life, beat the crap out of me when I was little. He now has very little direct contact with my kids, and it is NEVER unsupervised. Your first obligation is to protect your kids. You sound like a good person who is trying to do the right thing. Good Luck.
[ Reply | Options ]Wow--BIG difference between an abusive drunk and a pedophile. I would not have him at big family gatherings--too many moments when he could slip into a room with a child. I would say NO visits with grandchildren--as that is a way to gain trust. What would stop him from "picking them up" after school (or in some other place) saying, "Hey, I'm your grandpa, let's go for a ride in my new car"...No way, the dcs should not be around him at all.
[ Reply | Options ]another daughter of alcoholic agrees with this. (I tried to write another post, but got cut off and is now in the prepost UB world somewhere.) Keep your kids close by until they are old enough to stand up for themselves, but it is okay to love your father and it is okay to let him know that he is loved. He'll have to deal with his actions in many ways for the rest of his life--and he is.
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Say about what? His staying in your home? Or visiting during hours at which you're awake and can supervise his every interaction with your dcs? The guy KNOWS he molested a child, so I don't know why you're so concerned about his feelings.
[ Reply | Options ]OP He's my dad, and I'm certain he is very depressed about what he did and about his life in general, so yes, I do care about his feelings, though obviously not to the point where I would put my kids at risk. But you're right, he knows what he did, so I suppose there's really no need for me to explain beyond that I'm no longer comfortable with him visiting the kids.
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As a daughter of a recovering alcoholic and a home with a lot of domestic violence (no sexual abuse), I would say that it is okay to love your dad. He can never heal the past, and he has to live with that--and he will live with that, regardless of his relationship with you. I would say, "I love you dad, you're my father. The things you did make me angry, alcohol or no alcohol. I don't think I'll ever get over that. I can visualize them. But you
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I'm sure I'll get flamed for this response, but I would probably really try hard to let it go. Of course, I agree with the above posters about ensuring that you don't place your kids at risk and it sounds like you do to, but apart from that I would probably try to put the molestation behind me in terms of my relationship with him and focus on the things that made him a great father and someone you obviously love. He may be a pedophile, which is obviously VERY hard not to focus on, but he is also a human being and your father. I'm not saying that this will be easy and that you won't be conflicted, but it sounds like you want to maintain some type of relationship with him. Therapy might be a good idea too...
[ Reply | Options ]NP: The above poster has some points, but I think you need to consider the You-dad relationship and not the grandfather-grandchildren relationship. There is nothing wrong with you (ALONE) working on this relationship, but DO NOT INVOLVE YOUR CHILDREN in anyway. I'm not even sure I'd send photos for fear he have sexual fantasies about my dcs--very scary.
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If it were me, I don't think I could allow him near my children. Too dangerous to develop intimacy with them, even if you are there because he could be developing a plan to get close to them and alone. Too much of a risk IMO, but no flames. I could see how this would be very difficult and complicated.
[ Reply | Options ]You are in a difficult situation. However, once a pedophile, always a pedophile. You should keep your relationship with your dad separate from your family. Call him, visit him by yourself, but don't let him visit your family. Is your dad getting help??? He needs to be in serious therapy.
[ Reply | Options ]If you are only talking about your personal feelings about your father, then you just have to decide if you have conditional or unconditional love for him. If it's unconditonal, you can still love and appreciate the good father he was to you while being aware of his failings and protecting your own kids.
[ Reply | Options ]I am going to try to answer the question you asked in your post. Take into account that I was sexually molested for 11 years by 3 men. All you need to say is "Dad I've been thinking about things lately and I think it's a little early for a visit. While you have never done anything to me I feel like I just can't handle (emotionally) having you around my kids yet. I know you have apologized and alcohol was involved but it's just not a step I am willing to take right now. I don't know if you'll understand but I am just not up for it right now." Since he has accepted responsibility he should be able to understand that his actions have consequences, and unfortunately this is one of them.
[ Reply | Options ]New Poster: I feel the same way many of the above posters feel. Alcohol or not, your father is a pedophile. Don't take chances with your children--you cannot control everything, but you can control a known pedophile gaining their trust and being in their lives. YOUR relationship with him can be through solo visits, phone, e-mail, notes...but he lost the right to be the doting beloved grandpa 30 years ago. Good luck--you sound like a good mom and a nice, caring person.
[ Reply | Options ]so sorry for what you're going through and it's good that you're in therapy to help take care of YOU. but your father is a pedophile and never paid retribution to anyone for his actions and look how many have suffered. if it were me, i would never allow him around any of my children as you don't know what he could do or say to cause a feeling of ambiguous discomfort around them that would be frightening to them in a way that they couldn't even talk about. you should be the only one to communicate with him at this point; your priority is to protect your family from what i am certain is still a pedophile. find peace in the fact that your kids will not be harmed by what you need to do. "the woodsman" starring kevin bacon is an excellent film about a pedophile coming out of prison and he still/will always struggle with it.
[ Reply | Options ]i'm sorry for you OP, but i wouldn't let him near my kids. forgetting the possibility that he might not have changed, i don't think someone who has ever molested a child should deserve to have his children and grandchildren around him. i know it might sound callous and this is just my opinion. i would be very honest and tell him that since he's admitted it you tried to move past it, but that you simply can't. and FYI, i was an abused child (not sexually but physically and emotionally). i worked HARD to get past it and thought i did, but 20 years later i'm starting to really resent my dad for what he did and my mom for letting it happened. snuck up on me like a bad hangover and now i don't know what to do about it either.
[ Reply | Options ]When I was 12, my grandparents watched my 14 y/o sister and I while my parents were in Florida. I woke up one day with my grandfathers' hand on my breast and his tongue in my mouth. I told my parents as soon as they got home and it turned out that my grandfather had molested my mother from her earliest memory until children's aid removed her from their house at age 16. She spent years wanting to trust him and felt that after so many years without incident she could. Goes to show a molester never changes...
[ Reply | Options ]OP Thank you everyone for all of your thoughtful responses. It may take a village to help us raise our kids, but in this case, the village has helped me. Thank you all.
[ Reply | Options ]Good Luck to you. This must have been emotionally devestating to you, especially since he was a wonderful father to you. If it were me, I think I would have contact with my Dad but I think I would need to know that he was in therapy to address these issues or it will happen again to some other innocent child. Alcoholism lowers inhibitions but the impulse is clearly very strong. I would not let him have any relationship with my kids period.
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