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Do you 'enjoy' spending time with your kids?
- Yes, most of the time we really have fun together
- Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's really dull and aggravating
- Honestly most of the time it's not fun at all, but it's not supposed to be fun
- I really don't enjoy it at all, and wish I could spend less time with them
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I feel like I have delpeated all my life's patience and my dd is only a year old. How the hell will I keep this up another 17 years?! Is there boarding school for toddlers?
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ha! no one ever said being a mom is easy. I have 2; I think with the first one who gave me sleep problems up to 1 year I was about to go nuts. The 2nd one I am learning to cherish each moment, just remember it is normal to feel that you are at your wit's end at times and kids do grow up fast.
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it keeps getting better and you'll be amazed at the energy and patience you can conjure up. i promise. still going strong and my dd is 7yo (and i had her at 40...)
[ Reply | More ]OP - I don't know ...she keeps getting harder and harder. Newborn stage was cake compared to this. She still wakes up 2-3x per night and nurses all night. I spend literally 22 hrs a day with her and she has some crazy seperation anxiety. I am loosing my mind. I told a pregnant woman on the street today that "kids ruin your life" when we passed on the sidewalk.
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There are draining the first couple years. As they get older and learn boundaries and rules it gets easier. My dd is almost 2 and listens really well when she wants to but I still have to remember that she's becoming independent and that she is trying to figure out the world around her. You've heard that saying "This too shall pass"
[ Reply | More ]it sounds like you might want to consider therapy. you sound overwhelmed and depressed and I'm sure it couldn't hurt to talk to someone about what's going on.
[ Reply | More ]I have a typical life w/ a 1 year old - how is therapy going to help me? unless the therapist suggest names of cheap babysitters.
[ Reply | More ]actually, it doesn't sound like you have a typical life with a 1 yr old. I have 2 children, the youngest is one, and your experience sounds dramatically different from my own. If you are telling people on the street that kids ruin your life, even jokingly, then it sounds like you are under a lot of stress and that being in therapy could really help. it doesn't sound like you are enjoying the experience of being a mother.
[ Reply | More ]you are right but I don't know how a therapist can help. What I need is a sleep trainer and a babysitter. I'm pretty much doing this on my own (DH works a ton) and get around 5 hrs sleep per night. So... nope, not enjoing this at all.
[ Reply | More ]well i'm biased b/c i am a therapist, but i do think that a lot of women think that their experience as mothers is "typical," everyone just tells you that the first year is hard, etc., but there is a difference between being occasionally overwhelmed and the tone of your email. it sounds like you may have PPD and in my opinion, a good therapist could help a lot. all of us mothers of one year olds are sleep deprived, but it sounds like there is more going on and it's a shame to spend these early years as miserable as you sound.
[ Reply | More ]I don't even know what I would say - I'm stressed b/c I'm exhausted when I wake up and count down the minutes after 4pm till her bedtime so I can finally sit down. And that I think my old stressfull job was 100x easier than this. Oh, and I am sick to death of having someone sucking at my tit every hour. :)
[ Reply | More ]Are you cosleeping? She's definitely old enough that she doesn't need to be nursing that much. Have you read about how to wean her off some of these feedings? If you just cut her off it's going to be much worse for both of you, but when I weaned #1 I picked one feeding at a time and decreased it by a minute until it was out. It was pretty easy for both of us and she was completely weaned by 14m (and she LOVED to nurse). Secondly, once she stops nursing all night she will probably sleep better. Have you read Ferber? I found him v. helpful. Thirdly, find a therapist who can meet you for an evening appt and have DH commit to being home one evening a week for you to go. It sounds like you are struggling w/a lot, including the transition from working to SAHM w/a less than supportive spouse and really difficult baby. It can be much, much easier than this!
[ Reply | More ]We cosleep from 2-7am. We cut out nursing at night a month ago but she regressed so I have no choice. I can't do your meathod as she also nurses for comfort throughout the day. I read Ferber but CIO won't work on her - I just feel totally hopeless that I will ever sleep again. She is so clingy during the day - literally sits on my lap to play. I'm just so TIRED of having someone on me or sucking on my almost 24/7.
[ Reply | More ]sounds like you definitely need help w/all this. There is a parenting center that used to be in the same space as soho pediatrics; i can't remember the name, but i'm sure they can give it to you. i know that they offered support grps and workshops on all this stuff and you can bring DD.
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Been there, done that... You are depressed and will feel so much better (a) sleep-training your child and (b) seeing a therapist and (c) possibly taking medication. It is NOT your child's fault that she is nursing every hour. Some children are more challenging than others, yes, but while their temperments may not be changed their behaviors certainly can. BTW screaming and crying are normal parts of growing up and you shouldn't allow yourself to become resentful because you have made yourself a slave to them. A child needs love and limits, not martyrdom and resentment.
[ Reply | More ]And incidentally, being depressed affects your child in significant ways that are difficult to imagine. Read some of the literature; even as tiny infants children pick up on and react to mothers' moods. I'm sure some of her clinginess and difficulties with separation are connected to the depression and stress you are feeling. Getting help for yourself will help her be able to have a secure attachment and less trouble w/separation. Otherwise this is not a problem that is just going to resolve on its own. It looks like the consensus here is that you should get help/support for yourself!
[ Reply | More ]what kind of help? A sleep trainer? I really don't feel depressed - mostly just tired after a year of this and wondering when I will sleep again. Sleep deprevation is serious and I don't think meds will fix it.
[ Reply | More ]it seems like everyone is drawn to help you on this board and you just want to argue that nothing can help. therapy absolutely can help. meds probably can too. sleep training as well. you don't have to CIO. ferber is the best sleep book i read and really explains the process. you balance showing her that you are there and that she's safe with teaching her how to fall asleep by herself and self soothe instead of nursing to comfort.
[ Reply | More ]You have to be consistent. It sounds like you are weaning and sleep training, then stopping, then starting. it all sounds extremely confusing. If she doesn't get that there is any kind of structure than why shouldn't she nurse at 4am? how does she know there is a difference between 4AM and 4 PM?? these are things we teach our kids by parenting consistently.
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Amen! Amen! Amen! I had PPD, got treated at 4 months, and will forever be sad about emotionally missing those first four months and feeling like I got the wrong baby. My DD isn't easy, isn't perfect, makes me crazy sometimes, but without the veil of depression, I know that growing up is every bit as hard as raising a child so we are SO IN IT TOGETHER and I adore it!
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np : ita. get therapy, get help. You sound really overwhelmed. I have 2 kids and can't say I relate to your post. I can't imagine saying babies ruin your life, etc. That is not a typical first year. You should not be this drained!
[ Reply | More ]I don't know what I am doing differently from other 1st time mothers? Do other mothers get more babysitting? Do their babies sleep through the night earlier? I don't know why I sound so terrible
[ Reply | More ]I don't know. I did attachment parenting (co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, even homemade baby food, etc). I don't have a cleaning lady, no $$ for a babysitter, but, honestly, you DO sound different. Not terrible, as in a bad mom, but overwhelmed, exhausted, etc. Find a mother's group, take a mommy & me class - meet other moms. They may have tips, and it's just nice to be out w/other people going through the same thing.
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the first thing you need to do is stop all the breastfeeding in the middle of the night, maybe wean altogether. it really does get easier around 2/3... but you need to set some boundaries and get some help.
[ Reply | More ]i don't agree. if you are this overwhelmed at 1, things don't get easier at 2 and 3 when kids are testing limits, etc. this is not a normal amount of stress. i recommended the brazelton book touchpoints to someone earlier. i just read the 1 yr old chapter w/my DC in mind and found it very helpful in understanding where she's at developmentally. just waiting it out (for a year or two or three..!) is NOT the answer!
[ Reply | More ]OP - actually I know that 2 and 3 is harder which is why I feel so bad when I have a heard day with my 12-mo!! I think the root cause is that I am *SO* sleep deprived and it is catching up with me big time. I guess I always told myself that she would STTN at 1 and she just celebrated her 1 yr bday is is still a horrible sleeper and my hope has just vanished that I will ever sleep again.
[ Reply | More ]Listen to what all the posters are saying. We are all able to understand the effects of sleep deprivation. My first was colicky and screamed around the clock for 4 months straight, but I can't say even then I felt as down as you sound. There is more going on then you are realizing and your DD is being affected by it. You need to set limits around her nursing and sleeping and take care of yourself by getting support. It's not that we all have babysitters and great sleepers; we all have difficult kids but you are having a harder time than others BECAUSE YOU ARE DEPRESSED!! get help for yourself so you can be a good and engaged and happy mom to your daughter!
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OK, i give up then. you are the one who started out by saying you've depleted your life's patience; you are telling pregnant women they are ruining their life; you can't take nursing one more night, etc. There seems to be a pretty strong general consensus that you sound depressed, but you sound pretty determined just to argue with anyone who dares to help you improve the situation. If you don't get therapy i certainly hope your daughter does, since living with someone depressed and resentful is brutal.
[ Reply | More ]the OP was in jest and yes, I told one preg woman that as a joke during a low point in the day. Did I mean it 100%? no, of course not. I am not about to go on Prozac because of a bad moment. I appreciate the posts here and I agree that I lack "strength" in the sleep training area. I am absolutely a bad parent in this regard and it has come back to bite me in the ass. But I want to thank you all for giving me the motivation to cut out the night nursing tonight (for the second time) and hopefully it will end soon...
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See above, she doesn't believe in CIO. She probably pulls a Britney and takes her kid out of the car seat on the highway when she cries. How much is this kid going to cry later in life knowing her own mother hates her?
[ Reply | More ]OMG! What an awful thing to say just because somebody doesn't have the heart to watch their child cry for hours on end! FERBER IS A QUACK!! She is absolutely right to not want to "Ferberize" or shall I say, "Tramatize" her child. Not every child reacts the same way to that quack's method. Some become clingy, whiny, and cry even more when they're awake. Some never end up falling asleep and it just doesn't work! Personally, I think people who use Ferber's methods are nasty & mean people.
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ITA. I did it with my son and he was a terrible sleeper too. 4 nights of suffering and then you get your sleep back. I'm not sure why you don't think you can do this but trust me, you can. Do it.
[ Reply | More ]np: some kids just don't ferberize all that well (like my son, who would cry for 4 hours, 1 hour, then ten minutes on consecutive nights...then cry for four hours again!) Try the "No Cry Sleep Solution" book. You may well have PPD, but you also may have a child who's strong-willed or sensitive by temperament. I had a high-needs first child who nursed through the night, and I did attachment parenting with no babysitting (though possibly I had more support from my husband? don't know your situation), but I didn't feel that depressed. First son is still "spirited" or "strong-willed" or what have you, so I've survived with the help of lots of parenting books.
[ Reply | More ]I always thought that CIO was the least amount of crying total. Ferber is a little bit of a tease. The No-Cry Solution takes incredible consistency and patience (props to you) and it would seem OP has neither.
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thank you. I feel like this is more my situation - she is very strong willed and I feel a little overwhelmed by the lack of sleep as well as her energy at 5 or 6pm just as I am crashing! Obviously I have to cut out the night nursing as others have said.
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she sleeps from 6:30pm - 7 (and wakes to nurse when we cosleep) plus 2 naps per day
[ Reply | More ]12-month-olds need a solid 12-13 hours/night(some even more). If she waking 2-3x, she's not getting that. If you are so exhausted from the sleep schedule, it is likely that she is as well.
[ Reply | More ]I agree with you but I just read Sears' Sleep book and it says night nursing is still common w/ BF babies so I thought maybe I was still ok but I'm seriously questioning my parenting in this area now and not sure what method will work on a strong willed 12 month old.
[ Reply | More ]My DD, 5, would still be night-nursing if we hadn't taken matters into our own hands. It is totally okay if all aspects of attachment parenting aren't for you. Believe me, your DD needs a well-rested and happy mother more than she needs to co-sleep and nurse all night long. Say what you want about Ferber and the gang (I don't distinguish between controlled-crying, CIO, pick-up/put-down - crying is crying), but they know about infant sleep.
[ Reply | More ]Dr. Sears' basic answer for anyone in your situation is just to tough it out -- "nighttime parenting" is part of your job. I don't agree. I think there are a variety of ways to sleep-train, and only you can know what's the best way for your baby, but you do have to do it, and soon! Try "The Baby Whisperer" or "No-Cry Sleep Solution" and do it in stages. First, cut out night nursing altogether -- she doesn't need it for nutritional reasons at this age. Then decide how many times a day you're willing to nurse, and gradually scale back until you're there. (Give her cow's milk in a cup at the other times she asks for milk.) My daughter is also 14 months old, and my son 3 years old. I wish you luck -- it is so hard, but you will be amazed at the good results if you make a plan and stick with it. You will have to put up with a little crying, but it will be worth it, and you'll be teacher your daughter the invaluable skill of getting to sleep/back to sleep by herself.
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i've only read some of the responses here but i think your child is at the age where you really have to start asking yourself what is in your child's best interests. until a certain age, i think it's in your child's best interests to have you at their beck and call. but there comes a time when you have to realize that your child needs to learn to sleep through the night on their own. a child needs to have the ability to separate from a parent. and you have limits too. you'd be wise to re-evaluate your needs and your child's needs now that you've passed the 12 month mark. good luck.
[ Reply | More ]OP - this is really my situation. I've been a pushover for all her needs. I just can't bear hearing her cry and do whatever it takes but we have come to a crossroads where I need to show some parenting skills and it scares me that either path will result in some crying (me or her!).
[ Reply | More ]i think that up until now that was the best thing for her, for you to be a "pushover". but now you have to start looking at the bigger picture. if your dc is not sleeping through the night, instead of saying "oh, she's crying, i have to help her" you need to say "she's not sleeping enough hours. is that in her long term best interest? if not, what's my best way of fixing things.". it's like a a 6yo's mom doing homework for her b/c the 6yo gets frustrated. it solves the short term problem but makes the long term problem worse.
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OP, I was in your situation and I completely understand. And, by the way, this was with db #2, who was much more attached to me, much worse sleeper, than db #1, so I truly think that you just got one of those dbs who isn't a good sleeper. Db #1 weaned easily at 1 year, didn't need to co-sleep, etc., but db #2 did. It's annoying when people who have never had that experience think it's all about you.
[ Reply | More ]no cry sleep mom here: I agree. Having two kids (plus having babysat dozens of my children's friends) has been helpful for me as a parent to sort out how many of my difficulties have been due to my parenting techniques, and how many have been due to the child's temperament. What works for one child often does not work for another. Having a strong-willed kid is a wild ride but there are ways to help channel that power for good (later you'll want to check out books like "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles", "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk", etc.) Good luck and may the Force be with you! Wishing you lots and lots of beautiful sleep...
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It really gets better; one is a tough age, a gorgeous baby but a lot of work. When dc is 2 you may yearn for one again, but 3 is the reward you get for enduring, and by 4 you'll truly understand why you LOVE being a Mom. Try to get a sitter and get out once a week for something just for YOU.
[ Reply | More ]Okay, first question: Did you think having a chld was going to be a piece of cake? Next question: Why haven't you introduced your one-year-old to a bottle yet? She doesn't need to be sucking on your boob constantly. Next, 5 hours of sleep is pretty good, some people get less. All babies are different and they sometimes do regress. Okay, this is important: DO NOT DO THE FERBER METHOD. He is a quack and anybody who advocates him is just as quacky as he is. Try The No-Cry Sleep Solution, much better because your child doesn't have to endure sad, lonely nights being afraid & feeling like she's been deserted. You DO sound a little bit depressed, maybe you should talk to somebody. Good luck! ;-)
[ Reply | More ]Actually, according to every pediatrician I've ever been to, babies should STOP using the bottle at 12 months and start using the cup instead. Better for their teeth or something. Both of mine made the transition just fine. Also, at 12 months you can give her nice cow's milk instead of stinky formula. (Don't flame me, I know sometimes we have to use it, but I hated the smell.)
[ Reply | More ]Sounds like all of the pediatricians you've been to are dumb. There are no rules on WHEN to stop using the bottle. The bottle or pacifier does NOTHING to their teeth unless they're using them past the age of four. Not that you'd want your kid using those until four, but to say that a 1 year old should be immediately weaned is lame.
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I don't know if you are looking for advice or just wanting to vent, if the latter - then I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time, it will get better. If the former - 1 Your mind can not function properly when you are sleep deprived, you must start to sleep at night, so get DH to do at least a regular six hour shift so you can sleep. He has to understand your sanity is at sake. You must start to let your baby entertain herself if you can't / won't leave her with someone else. At one, you should be able to read a book for half an hour at least while she is playing independently. Get DH to take baby for a walk every night so you can have at least another 30 minute break. Yes, I know you said DH works a ton but he loves you or you wouldn't be in this situation! I charted my depressions/bad feelings/unhappiness against the number of nightly interruptions and clearly there was a tremendous correlation - when I woke up at night too many times I felt awful the next day. The longer it went on the worse it was. Once you can get a break now and again, and are sleeping, the rest will be easy. Also I think 2 and 3 are easier than 1. More discipline needed, but they can do more for themselves too.
[ Reply | More ]Somewhere in the post, you mention that your dd plays on your lap. Now is the time to start teaching her how to play alone. It might just be for a minute or 2 at first, but get her used to it. You mention how you're trying to be a good mom, but it is NOT being a good mom by keeping her on your lap all day. She needs to learn to entertain herself for brief intervals, and she needs to learn to separate herself from you. You are doing her a disservice by not letting her learn. I'm not saying do a daytime cio. Tend to her, but let her start learning to play by herself. Stay in the same room, but you do your thing, she does hers. Also, if you're really that tired, be sure to nap when she naps. Don't do chores. You can do chores when she's awake (it's good for her to see that, anyway), and save naptime for recharging. GL!
[ Reply | More ]op - she plays alone very well in our playgroups. On this particular day (that I wrote this post) she was very clingy and not herself. I think she may be going through a developmental phase (learning to walk) and is reaching to me for comfort. Anyway, thank you all for your words - I read all the advise and I 100% agree that we have to cut night nursing. I managed to get some sleep last night and feel more clear-headed than at the time of my op. I have an appt scheduled w/ db's ped this week and we will discuss methods for her. The reason we never sleep trained earlier is that she started teething very early (3.5 mos) and had one tooth after the other coming in - she was always in so much pain or going through another phase that it always seemed cruel. I agree that it is time now though.
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i feel for you, i really do, and have moms in my mom's club going through similar stuff at 1 year. i'm sorry to say a lot of it is self-imposed. one of these moms child "won't" sleep unless it's on her...the child is almost 2. this is ridiculous. wean your child, set boundaries, use whatever method you're comfortable with in order to sleep train...there are lots out there to choose from. the key is CONSISTENCY.
[ Reply | More ]--and i'll add that you're probably doing a better job than you think, but please think about this: you may not want to CIO or change schedules and set boundaries, but your child senses how you're feeling and that's not good for him/her. you cannot be the best mom you can be and feel this way...you need to take time for yourself and these boundaries will be very healthy for both you and your child. after a brief adjustment period, you'll be happier and your dc will be happier...things will look much brighter then.
[ Reply | More ]Thank you - you are totally right. It really is unnecessary for a 1yr to wake up 2x per night.
[ Reply | More ]But sometimes they just DO and it's not their fault or yours. It's totally normal for a child to not sleep through the night every night until they're 2 or 3 years old. There are way more kids out there under 2 that DON'T sleep through the night than those that do. It's just the way it is. The best thing you can do is try the NO CRY SLEEP SOLUTION by Elizabeth Pantley and also get a part-time babysitter to come help out so you can get some extra sleep. Don't worry, eventually your child will sleep through the night even on her. Good luck!
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to OP: Let us know how you are doing. You have gotten some great advice here; some of the best I've seen on UB. It's true that you do have the responsibility to provide your dd with 12 hours through the night. She needs that a lot more than she needs to be feeding all night. A nice full feeding before bedtime along with her dinner meal should be what she needs, along with a warm bath. I know it's easier said than done, but they need the sleep and if the methods you try do not work, you should definitely get a sleep trainer. I don't think you need therapy - you need to get your dd in a normal sleeping pattern. The rest will follow. A mom and me class is a great idea too.
[ Reply | More ]It will get better!!! Anyway, we noticed that either you or your readers have referenced the Weissbluth method-why don’t you check out our blog, “weissbluth method” –my dad is posting about sleep and temeperament. I am posting about media’s effects on Children- http://www.weissbluthmethod.wordpress.com- Although we are not giving personalized medical advice, we think that you and your readers will get a lot out of it. –Daniel Weissbluth
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