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the other post has me thinking. does anyone else think it's just not possible to pursue a career and also be a good mother, however you define it? Or is it just me and my definition of Good Motherhood that made it not possible for me? Also curious how old your kids are b/c i'm wondering if that makes a difference in your answer.
48 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]I am a SAHM and it is right for me for now (dcs are 3 and 1). My fantastic Mom was WOHM. I had a very happy childhood. I really think you do whatever you feel is right for you and your circumstances and that is just fine.
[ Reply | Options ]I think the term "good mother" is too subjective. It's like asking people if they're open-minded. Of course, everyone thinks they are.
[ Reply | Options ]op: i agree but that's why my question wasn't "what should people be doing" but rather "were you able to reconcile the two".
[ Reply | Options ]I guess it's a good question. but perhaps I've been on UB too long- I just don't think you'll discover any eye-opening responses. Everyone justifies in their own mind what they choose to do.
[ Reply | Options ]you seem to believe that any justification is merely rationalization. Inevitable guilty feelings will be rationalized, it's true, but that doesn't change the fact that some mothers are more psychically healthy if they pursue a career.
[ Reply | Options ]and others would say that if you work at it, you can be psychically(?) healthy staying at home also. Yes, in this debate, I do believe most justification is just rationalization.
[ Reply | Options ]Yes, if that is your choice. I am not saying you cannot be psychically healthy staying at home. I admire women who stay home. I also admire women who work and manage families too. It is a personal choice. Whatever keeps you from being bitter and passing that on to your kids. It is everyone's job to find satisfaction and fulfillment in what they do, no matter what it is.
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i wonder if people have different ideas about the role of a parent and that accounts for the differences. i'm in a position right now that i might have to go to work f/t and i feel like i can't be the parent i want to be or think i should be if i'm working f/t. i'm not trying to criticize people who do it. but i am wondering if they are happy with it b/c they feel their role as a mother is different than i feel my role is. or if there's something else at play here.
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yes, it is possible to pursue a career and be a good mother. however, i also think that in normal circumstances, a young child is best cared for by his/her own mother or father and not by someone who has a different education level and a different set of values, and/or traditions. (my dc's are young).
[ Reply | Options ]i think it's just much easier to feel like you're a great mom when you don't have to make sacrifices of your time and attention to anything else. i also think it's easier to be a great mom than it is to feel like you have a "great" career, so the sacrifices in pursuing the latter might seem in vain, because they often don't feel as likely to yield success.
[ Reply | Options ]I think it depends on a) YOU b) your kids and c) your DEFINITION of a good mom. I am in medical school. I would be unhappy as a SAHM. unhappy person=not the best mom, IMO. my kids are happy well adjusted kids (although they are still young). my mom is a nurse, and worked FT, and we were always happy, she always had time for us. just your regular teen issues, but none of us are in therapy now because of our neglectful mom. if your definition of a good mother=someone who is home with an apron and warm frehsly baked cookies every day, then being a working mom, your probably will have a hard time feeling like a good mother. but that isnt my definition of a good mother, to me its about quality rather than quantity. does that make sense? I see some really bad SAHMs out there. and some good ones. some great WOHMs, and some bad ones. it depends on the person, not their career choice (or lack thereof).
[ Reply | Options ]why do people always mom with cooking. you didn't describe carol, you described alice. the function that is indicative of a good mother is time spent with your child. there are some sahms that don't spend good time with their children, and some wohms who do. it all depends on how you package it, but enough with the stereotypes, already. signed, wohm who constantly cooks and has cookies for dd, but this isn't what makes me a good mother.
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if people choose to work it does not mean that they are not a good mother. i think there are many WOHM's who are awesome mothers. they choose to work because they love their career or b/c of the need for the additional salary. what i do not get is the wohm who insists they work b/c they would be miserable at home and are doing their child a favor by leaving everyday so that they can connect to the world and be a better, happier mother. what kind of message is that sending?
[ Reply | Options ]My mother worked. There were benefits and hardships both. But at least I don't have the sense that my mother 'sacrificed' herself for me. She did her best, and was not always a good mother. But often she was, and a good role model as an ambitious, hard-working female in a time when that was not so accepted as today.
[ Reply | Options ]This sounds right-on. I also don't think that SAH automatically makes you a good mother either, as most folks born before the women's movement can tell you. It depends so much of the person, the circumstances, etc. SAH is wonderful for some, but can also make a lot of people depressed, angry, lonely, etc. Personally I wish there were just more ways to combine work and a healthy home life--shorter commutes, better flex-time and part-time work options.
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It helps to have a dh who is a committed father willing to be there when you can't.
[ Reply | Options ]I think I'm a great mom and I woh ever since dd was a baby. She's 7 now, smart, happy, exhuberant, has lots of friends, very close to us. We put a lot of energy into her well being and we are happy ourselves, which is key. I think if you make a lot of "sacrifices" and you view them as such, your child picks up on it and realizes you are not happy.
[ Reply | Options ]I've been doing the WOHM thing since my oldest daughter was 2months old, and like to think that I have been a good mother. My daughters, now 11 and 8, think I am a good mother, and they are well-adjusted, happy, self-confident kids, so I must have done something right. I have to say that I could not be the happy WOHM that I am without my supportive dh. I can't say that the housework and childcare is 50:50 split, but it's close enough to allow me to juggle my mommy and professional roles without too much agita. Also helps to have family nearby to help. It really does take a village to WOHM, at least for me.
[ Reply | Options ]My ds is 4. Here's my take, though it's not really a response to your answer. I'm a WOHM because I enjoy having a career and because we couldn't afford to support our family on dh's income. I have much respect for SAHM's, and seriously considered it when ds was born. But in addition to the factors mentioned above, I was petrified and was clueless about how to care for and teach a child (I'm an only child and my mom lives on the other side of the country). We found a truly wonderful daycare center/pre-school program that, quite honestly, has not only been great for ds but has taught me so much about being good, and confident, parent. (I'd ask so many questions and have little chats with the caregivers when he was an infant - about my little insecurities and the many things I didn't know about caring for a baby.) Not everyone has that - or needs it - like I did. But our daycare situation helped me make the decision to be a WOHM, which in turn has been the best for our little family.
[ Reply | Options ]My mother was a WOHM and an excellent, excellent mother. And my dad was a WOHD and an excellent father. Going to daycare and after-school didn't hurt me one bit, and they prioritized spending time with me/knowing what was going on in my world when they were home. I'm glad I had disciplined and hard-working parents as role models, and I hope to be the same when DB arrives.
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