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OMG. About 18 months ago a diamond pendant of mine went missing. DH had given it to me as an anniversary present a few years ago. He flipped out when we couldn't find it -- turned the entire apartment upside down and inside out. He accused our nanny of taking it, called the cops, fired her -- she had been with us for three years. The police took her in for questioning, but never pressed charges. But they left it open so for all I know she's still living with that over her head. It was 2 months of torture -- me defending the nanny, the nanny calling and crying, the kids crying because they missed her, having to hire a new nanny, my DH and I barely spoke because of this whole issue for weeks. Our insurance company reimbursed us for the loss, but I woudln't let DH buy me a new one because it was so emotionally upsetting. I was just bagging up clothes to bring to Goodwill and I found the fucking necklace -- inside a shoe in the back of my closet. I have no idea what to do now. I'm totally freaking out. WWYD?
151 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]your husband sounds like a real jerk! jewelry gets lost all the time! I can't believe he made you fire a nanny that you trusted over one thing going missing that could have easily been your fault. what an a-hole!
[ Reply | Options ]ITA! Give is some details about your husband? Ehhnic background, socioeconomic background, educational background, etc. I just want to knwo what kind of person does this. I have a stereotype in mind.
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is this a real post? i would definitely notify the cops and the nanny, with a BIG apology for the nanny. what an awful experience! and i would have a serious talk with my husband about why he would blame the nanny for a pendant that went missing, rather than figure that maybe the kids did something with it, it got misplaced, etc. if i lost a diamond pendant i think dh and i would assume that i misplaced it.
[ Reply | Options ]You did a horrible wrong to that woman and should make amends. Can you imagine how you would feel if you got hauled into questioning by the NYPD for something you didn't do?
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I'm too caught up in the part where you actually allowed your DH to do this to your nanny (and your DC) to even think about what you should do with the necklace.
[ Reply | Options ]OP: It was a horrible period of time. In my DH's defense (though I hate to try to defend him) we had had a couple of issues with the nanny before this (she admitted about a year prior to this that she had been routinely taking quarters from a change jar for her laundry -- she didn't know that DH was "saving" up for something).
[ Reply | Options ]your husband sounds like the pettiest asshole ever --"saving up"? gimme a break -- counting quarters. i would encourage my nanny to help herself to courters. yeesh, you cheap creeps. no wonder my nanny loves me; there are families like yours out there. make amends or suffer really bad karma.
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OP: Sorry, I had to go pick up my dc from school. I am so upset, livid, confused -- I have no idea what to say to DH when he gets home from work. The whole story is of course really long and it dragged out over several weeks -- it's not like we couldn't find the necklace one day and he fired nanny the next. I'm not sure I even know how to get in touch with her at this point.
[ Reply | Options ]^^^Also, we got back something like $6K or $7K from insurance -- we don't have it anymore. We don't have that kind of money right now! I'm so nauseous right now.
[ Reply | Options ]You let your DH call the police on this poor woman over a $6K item she *might* have taken!
[ Reply | Options ]OP: "let" him? DH is an adult. He contacted the police on his own. It actually caused great tension and misery in our relationship for months. And I just looked up the records -- it was actually $16K that we were reimbursed for the necklace. Oh jeeze.
[ Reply | Options ]Someone underwent "great tension and misery" in this situation. But guess what? IT WASN'T YOU. Grow up and take some responsiblity.
[ Reply | Options ]OP: You know what? I'm not trying to abdicate responsibility. I'm truly trying to sort out what to do now with regards to the nanny, to my DH, the police, the insurance company, etc. I honestly have no idea what to do or where to start!
[ Reply | Options ]Report it found to nypd-call the Nanny, call ins co. It's a slight variation on how it all went down the first time.
[ Reply | Options ]OP: I have no idea how to contact the nanny; we can't afford to pay back the insurance company; DH's job involves having a good relationship with the NYPD -- this could really cause so many problems for him and us. I KNOW it's the moral and ethical thing to do, but what pisses me off most of all is that my kids will be dragged into this mess again.
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First of all, please try to calm down. There are days that are tough and confusing, but it will eventually get better. It is a great thing that you found the necklace - at least one person - your nanny - will finally get the piece of mind that she deserves.
[ Reply | Options ]NP: The nanny always knew she didn't take it, no? I don't see what peace of mind she gets out of this.
[ Reply | Options ]I agree. And this happened 18 months ago. If I were the nanny I would want nothing more to do with the matter or OPs family, though OP defended her. It's serious business to be taken down a precinct and question about a crime. If I were the nanny I would feel these people were trying to set me up in some way. If unfortunate but part of the downside of doing domestic/household work is that you will be the first one blamed if something goes missing. Not the meth head teenage son. Not the DH taking jewelry and giving it to his mistress. Not the DW pawning jewelry to support a shopping addiction. The finger always points to the "help".
[ Reply | Options ]"Peace of mind" was probably not the best choice of words, but if you were in the nanny's place, wouldn't it make a difference that the necklace was finally found? Wouldn't you feel relieved to have this case finally closed and your name cleared once and for all?
[ Reply | Options ]No it wouldn't. Only for the fact that this man called the police and tried to have this nanny arrested. Not just fired her. This questioning by the police and their report will always follow her. All that will come up on a computer is that she was involved in theft so her name will not be cleared. But I'm not a very forgiving person when it comes to being accused of being a thief.
[ Reply | Options ]So you are saying that it doesn't make a practical difference that the necklace was found, and therefore her innocence was proved? I am not saying that this will ease/eliminate the burden that the nanny went through, or even make up for the terrible experience, but I firmly believe that it does make a great difference for the nanny that the necklace was finally found.
[ Reply | Options ]It might make a different to this Nanny. But for me it would piss me off even more. This man trusted me to watch his children for 3 years but the minute a piece of jewelry went missing he tried to have me arrested. God forbid she gets pulled over or something and it comes up she was questioned in a theft. Good luck with her trying to explain to the cops that the necklace was found and she was innocent.
[ Reply | Options ]Well, this is a really shitty story(It's also shitty that you'd bring in some prior laundry quarter theft 'confession'. Firing her would've been one terrible error, but attempting to bring legal charges, having her questioned, AND of course not providing any good references for other employment pursuits-whew. Sorry to hear this, but also want to let you know, I'd sue you guys for damages, lost wages and defamation, if possible. Why would you have kept her on after the quarters, if either of you would assert she was a thief? You need to make amends. The insurance company must be notified; Maybe they'll take the necklace, as they're now entitled to it. If not, they may offer you a payment plan.It is morally and ethically clear, that you need to investigate the status with the NYPD AND contact this woman with a formal, written, heartfelt apology and explanation. The whole mess is ugly; Sorry to hear of it.
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This reads like a stereotype of a wealthy, unfair employer. You should call the police and make sure the case gets closed.
[ Reply | Options ]OP: we're not wealthy. One piece (and not the biggest piece) is that we really can't afford to pay back the insurance company, and I'm very worried about what this could do to my DH's reputation/career. I got cut back to part time hours about 6 months ago -- we need DH's salary to survive! The only phone number we had for her was for a cell phone that we provided her. If we had other ways of contacting her, I don't have that information any more.
[ Reply | Options ]or: my point wasn't that you are rich, but that your behavior was very much like people's stereotypes of how wealthy people treat their "help." I still think you have to apologize to nanny and contact police, just to clear the air. I would bet that people lose items and report them missing and then find them all the time. While I understand your concern about dh's job (you should be), it's rather ironic that nanny was fired for something she didn't do.
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Well, we couldn't "afford" to lose it. It was my 10th anniversary present; DH saved a portion of his bonus for 4 years in a row so he could buy it for me. I never knew how much it cost, and because I was so mad about the whole thing, I refused to have anything to do with the insurance company. I never even saw the reimbursement check until I checked our file today.
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The nanny should be happy to be away from your psycho dh. Unfortunately, you and your dc still have to live with that dreadful man.
[ Reply | Options ]Turn the necklace over to the insurance company. They own it now, after reimbursing you.
[ Reply | Options ]The ONLY way to make this right is the following: 1-Call NYPD to tell them that you found it & ask them about modifying the report; 2-Call Insurance Company and tell them you found it; they may take possession of it OR work out a payment plan; THE silver lining is that they probably won't raise your premium if they don't have to count this as a loss; 3- CALL your nanny, try to get a hold of her, do whatever you can to find her to let her know what happened. If you don't do these 3 things, then you are making what was a bad situation much worse and, in my opinion, acting in an immoral and unethical manner. (It seems like what you're worried about most is also dh's reaction/effect on him; I hope you can find a way to reach the right decision about this together.) gl
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I know. I can just imagine what a sinking feeling I would have had in my stomach if I found it. But, you are being given the opportunity to make it right, or as right as it can be made. You don't have control over your dh or his reaction, but you do have some control here over how to address things now. GL!
[ Reply | Options ]Completely agree. Do unto others what you would like others to do to you. After taking care of your children for 3 years, what do you think this woman deserves? How can you think about your husband's reputation and not care about her? One of the most admirable things in life is to recognize an error and act to fix it. Please go for it and you will making humanity better. It will also server as a great example for your kids; that mom and dad make mistakes but they stand to it.
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op, you and your dh should be put up against a firing squad for being such a wus (you) and bigot (him). there's no making amends for that poor lady. you and dh are vile.
[ Reply | Options ]I am going to take a very unpopular stance here. OP, I think what happened is horrible and I would sit down and look at my reaction and the way you handled the problem. I would not notify the insurance company. I don't know who you people are kidding, but the NYPD has closed this case and no charges were ever brought so I can guarantee the nanny has no record or indication that she was ever brought in for questioning. The police do this for insurance and to shut families up. What happened to the nanny was very sad and it sounded like you had issues with her already. Taking money from my house is an example of poor judgement and that nanny had poor judgement. That said, you should attempt to make amends to her financially. I would not admit anything or you will be in court.I would apologize and give her money.
[ Reply | Options ]OP: You sound rational. I'm not sure what kind of monetary compensation I would even begin to offer her, if I could even find her. I think you're right about the police record, etc. I'm worried I would just stir up a hornet's nest if I notified the police or the insurance company. Just seeing how many people on here are saying this was somehow intentional fraud -- I can't have my family's reputation clouded by that. Yes, I know -- the nanny had her reputation clouded, but I'm sure she found another job and two wrongs do not make a right!
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The question you have to consider is: What story would you want your dcs to hear ultimately, when they are older. That you fired the nanny, got the nanny taken in on charges, and when you found the gem didn't admit it? Or that you made amends? It all comes down to who you are in the world, and who you want to be. Because your dc's WILL "know" all this, one way or another, someday. Who do you want them to know?
[ Reply | Options ]RU4 real? If this story is true, you don't deserve any nanny. You, and your husband, have no management skills whatsoever. I cant imagine how your children will turn out. BY THE WAY - I would feel this way if you NEVER found the necklace. You cant blame someone with no evidence. Disgusting.
[ Reply | Options ]OP: Look, I am not going to tell the whole long story here. I will say that over the course of a few weeks, as DH became convinced the nanny took the necklace, there was a lot of circumstantial "evidence" so to speak that pointed to her. She knew we were looking for the necklace (I had asked her to keep an eye out, asked if she'd seen it). Even I admitted she started acting funny, like she was "guilty" of something, though I defended her. She started bringing a bible to work every day and praying several times; she had bad stomach pains almost every day -- like indigestion, and many many other things. It wasn't completely out of the blue that DH suspected her.
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Honestly, and mother who acts as though it was her husband who hired/fired a nanny is delusional. Moms run the household, this was your call. You blew it. You are scapegoating yoru husband, but this was all you.
[ Reply | Options ]OP: I agree almost 100 percent. This was an extraordinary circumstance. DH and I fought every single day for weeks about this; he was very sure of what he believed and as my husband and the children's father he of course had a say in who should be caring for them. If it were all me, this woman would still be taking care of my kids! I think about her almost every day!
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I think we all know that any couple who would act like this is certainly not going to contact the nanny and apologize. Honesty, this was probably such a horrific experience, her life is probably a better with this well behind her and you not dredging it up. Only thing is, she probably NEVER found a new job with such a dismissal.
[ Reply | Options ]I did write her a letter of reference -- something I never told DH about. I got one or two calls asking for a reference if I recall, and I didn't say anything about the necklace incident. I simply said we were changing work schedules and ready to make a caregiver change. I'm pretty sure she would have gotten another job.
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NP: really sorry this has happened -- i'm sure it was traumatic for all. I would call the NYPD and update the report to say you found the item in your closet and that nanny did nothing wrong. Insist that they update the report. You should also get the case number and then write a letter with the case number on it explaining the situation so that the file can be updated. Get your letter notarized. Even if charges were never brought, the fact is that the record is still there, and it could hurt her in some way in the future. I would also find nanny so that both you and dh can apologize. the fact that she was acting "suspicious" really means nothing -- it's the reason why lie detector tests are not reliable -- because the very experience of being in the situation can cause people to react in a way that might suggest guilt. Nanny was accused. she knew she didn't take it, but also knew she couldn't prove it, and she knew that she was under intense scrutiny. it's not surprising that she was a bundle of nerves. you owe it to her to tell her the truth and for you and dh to apologize in person -- also give her a copy of the notarized letter so that if anything ever were to come of it, she can clear herself with the letter. Tell the insurance company and give them the necklace as compensation. If he only paid $6-7k, i'm not sure how you got $10k more, but if anyone were to find out at this stage, you would be liable for fraud, and potentially felony theft given the amount of money at stake. Not worth it -- tell them and work out how to give them the necklace or repay it. Consider the money you got a loan from the insurance co that you now have to pay back . . . GL.
[ Reply | Options ]^^^it's the reason why lie detector tests are not reliable -- because the very experience of being in the situation can cause people to react in a way that might suggest guilt. Nanny was accused. she knew she didn't take it, but also knew she couldn't prove it, and she knew that she was under intense scrutiny. it's not surprising that she was a bundle of nerves. you owe it to her to tell her the truth and for you and dh to apologize in person -- also give her a copy of the notarized letter so that if anything ever were to come of it, she can clear herself with the letter. Tell the insurance company and give them the necklace as compensation. If he only paid $6-7k, i'm not sure how you got $10k more, but if anyone were to find out at this stage, you would be liable for fraud, and potentially felony theft given the amount of money at stake. Not worth it -- tell them and work out how to give them the necklace or repay it. Consider the money you got a loan from the insurance co that you now have to pay back . . . GL.
[ Reply | Options ]^^^if anyone were to find out at this stage, you would be liable for fraud, and potentially felony theft given the amount of money at stake. Not worth it -- tell them and work out how to give them the necklace or repay it. Consider the money you got a loan from the insurance co that you now have to pay back . . . GL.
[ Reply | Options ]^^one more thought: pls don't try to half-step. the second you tell ANYONE, a chain is going to start in motion and you will get caught in some serious snares. You must either come completely clean, or not at all (which carries its own legal and ethical problems). for example, can't tell police it's all good and then not tell insurance company that used the police report to reimburse you.
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other than the fact that you are unfortunately married to a total jackass and very mean individual, you need to make this up to the poor nanny who was undoubtedly traumatized. inform police of found item asap; call the nanny and profusedly apologize and send her a generous check to show how sorry you are for the pain you caused her, and of course return the insurance money. and tell your dc what happened and what you did to make amends. there's a life lesson here and you need to right and very strong wrong. as for dh - yuch!!!!!
[ Reply | Options ]OP: Write the nanny a check? For how much money? Why? I think you must be a nanny yourself responding to this post. Sending money to the nanny a year and a half later to try to assuage my guilt would be pointless. I have no money to send her anyway, since we have to figure out how to get $16K back to the insurance company. Sigh.
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After reading this thread I have come to the conclusion that: #1 Your husband is a certifiable Asshole #2 Make strong and monetary amends to this poor nanny #3 Inform the PD and the insurance co. about the error. You, I think are a better person than some here think. Why? Well you were bagging clothes for Goodwill . . . .
[ Reply | Options ]I just have little empathy for someone who "misplaces" a 16K necklace and then can
[ Reply | Options ]oops I just wonder why OP couldn't reign her DH in...if nanny stole 16K necklace then why would she turn up at work again the next day? Does not make sense. And rather than traumatize nanny and kids if there was any doubt of nanny's innocence, why not convince DH to not go after the nanny? This is kind of why I am uneasy in an affluent/UMC environment - reactions are really extreme a lot of the time. Really, I wouldn't worry about the ins. co., they are assholes too. I would be surprised if nanny takes your call. Just try not be an idiot in the future when it comes to those less well off than you.
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So what did your husband say when you told him you found the necklace? What are you going to do?
[ Reply | Options ]OP: I have not had a chance yet to talk to DH about it. I don't know what I'm going to do. I had the urge yesterday to just chuck the necklace in the bag with the clothes we're donating, but I didn't. And once again, I haven't spoken with nor had any contact with the nanny in a year and a half! I have no idea how to find her, or if she's even still in new york city.
[ Reply | Options ]"Chuck it in the bag with the clothes we're donating"??!! Get a grip; own the knowledge and information you have, if you haven't begun, start trying to get contact info for the nanny, today.Your replies sound as if you're leaning toward an escape from your responsibilities here. How in the world is passing on a chain of moral dilemma(the poor person that finds the necklace at goodwill or wherever!) or mistaken ideas, shouldthat necklace be taken for Monet and stuck in the display case at $10.00. Of what benefit is that? Quit mucking about and take the initiative that was handed to you- the instant you found that necklace. One more weird comment or avoidance guarantees that you'll be wearing that necklace when you run into the ex Nanny on B'Way, or you become sick with unresolved conflict like some old school Du Maupassant character.
[ Reply | Options ]OP: I'm glad you're so sure how you would handle every situation thrown at you. Since you're so smart, can you tell me how to get contact info for her? Oh, no -- she doesn't have a land-line in her name. I already checked.
[ Reply | Options ]It doesn't take smart, just determined and an inch of common sense. Didn't you know any of the other nannies/parents/kids that she had playdates with? Have you tried to reach any of them?Do you have what it takes to come fully clean, so that anyone with the info would be willing to pass it on-or give her a message? Google? Precinct? White pages?Credit check?Don't get up in my face, I'm really quite sympathetic until you start showing second though rationalizations , which seem to point to some need to justify your not doing what's ethically clear.
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OP: I want to address the issue of the quarters, which some people are misunderstanding. DH has a change jar on his dresser -- he empties his pockets at the end of every day. He's always done this, and because of a radio show he heard ages ago about "spare change" adding up, he's always had the habit of saving up his change to buy something completely unnecessary, guilt-free. He bought his first ipod this way. And actually, our kids are learning a huge lesson from daddy's change jar about saving. About 2 years ago, DH was saving up for a playstation game thing to play on the subway. Completely frivolous. Our eldest was also just learning about money.
[ Reply | Options ]^^^Anyway, one month DC sat down with DH for like 2 hours and counted out how much change he had and together they figured out how much more DH would need to get the video game. About a month later, after DH had been dumping his change in every day, they sat down to count it all out again. They immediately noticed that 1) there was actually less money than there had been a month before and 2) there were almost no quarters in the jar.
[ Reply | Options ]I guarantee if I had posted just the quarters story back then, most of you would have said to fire the nanny, she can't be trusted, stealing is stealing, etc. I've seen people on here suggest firing a nanny over food! I wasn't bothered at the time about the laundry $$ (though if she had wanted change for dollars, I suppose that would have been more honest of her). But I had to explain the missing money to DC, which was very difficult. (Sometimes stealing is okay? What would you have said? I was more concerned about teaching DC a lesson than the nanny.) DH was more upset at the time because he felt she had no business in his closet, digging through his things. (And he was right.)
[ Reply | Options ]Also, there were TWO different instances over the 3 years she worked for us where she took other things, but those are both long stories (and each by themselves, no big deal and explainable, like the quarters). But by the time the necklace went missing, she already had a spotty track record where theft was concerned. My DH was not out of line completely in suspecting her. I think he handled the whole thing too aggressively though, and that caused a lot of tension between us.
[ Reply | Options ]Oh please...Now you deviate the thread, put the jar on the dresser as "digging through his things". You are wasting your own time; you might want to stick to that. Don't project your belief that I'd have told you to fire the Nanny over some quarters; that's not how I would've dealt with it. NOW you're backpedaling; you sound like an asshole. I hope you DO feel awful.Karma is a boomerang, Loser.
[ Reply | Options ]Oh, I see; the whole thing somehow makes sense now, because you didn't fire her over valid, unacceptable behaviors and let it slide, instead. You're too much woman. Low ethical codes guarantee like returns and are likely to be learned by your offspring.
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Here it is: Bust your ass to find this woman; hand the necklace over to the ins. company and notify the cops. I posted this mid-thread, with sympathy for your situation. Since then, you've been hedging and it's been revealing of some disturbing 'rationalizations' on your part.First you were upset at your husband's taking' over and beyond'; Now, you see his point and cite other issues with the nanny. Have you ben proactive and started trying to make amends?
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Do you think DH hid the necklace and put it in your shoe? Because you know what, the minute the necklace was lost, he started wanting to accuse someone, called the cops against your wishes and contacted the insurance agency. All the steps you would take if #1 effort is to get reimbursed by the insurance company. When the money comes in, you spend it all. $16K that you wouldn't have had had you had the necklace. Then the necklace shows up right in your closet and you have no idea how it got there. Wouldn't you be more careful with an expensive necklace? I Really think your DH needed money desperately and did something that is quite illegal quite intentionally. If you don't have the money now, you'll have to call the ins company and hand over the necklace. At least you guys will be off the hook for something completely illegal... and yes, you need to deal with the nanny as well.
[ Reply | Options ]OP: I would be very surprised if he did. It wasn't "the minute the necklace was lost." I didn't wear the necklace very often (don't have much reason to get dressed up), and usually kept it in its box in my underwear drawer (not very clever, I know). We went to a wedding in early December -- that's the last time I know for sure I wore it (because of pictures). I looked for it to wear to a holiday party later that month and it wasn't in the box. I didn't want to panic or upset DH (who I knew had saved so long and was so happy with that gift). I looked and looked all over for about a week (in my office, all over the apt, retraced my steps after the wedding, etc -- I have a clear memory of putting the necklace back) before I told him. Then he spent a week pissed off at me, looking everywhere, before he first mentioned the possibility that it was the nanny. After he suggested it, everything kind of mushroomed from there..
[ Reply | Options ]did nanny ever admit to taking those other things? how do you know she did it? this may all have been orchestrated by dh to get his hands on nearly $20 grand fairly quickly. who knows -- just undo the damage.
[ Reply | Options ]She did admit taking the quarters -- $50 or $60 over the course of a month. She also admitted she took a bicycle that belonged to a neighbor -- the boy had left it on the sidewalk and the nanny assumed they were throwing it out. She took it on her way home -- while the boy was inside for 5 minutes going to the bathroom. At the time we chalked it up to a reasonable misunderstanding -- in her neighborhood apparently leaving a bike on the sidewalk = giveaway.
[ Reply | Options ]which may well be true re: the bike. So she admitted to taking quarters -- petty theft. i know you don't want to suspect dh about the necklace, so you tell me how a $6-7k piece of jewelry ends up in a shoe in the back of your closet amongst stuff going to goodwill. if you don't return the insurance money, that's not petty theft anymore -- that's a serious crime. and you are an accomplice.
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JUST DO THE RIGHT THING. It's a bad situation, but you have a choice to act ethically. Please do so.
[ Reply | Options ]You said you have no money to pay back the insurance company. I think I'd sell that necklace, and if it's $16k, return to insurance company. If it's less, give a big part of it to nanny to compensate for emotional trauma she endured and possibly professional trouble she has had and will have in the future bec of your dh's action. I would not keep the necklace.
[ Reply | Options ]I the former nanny's uncle. I just found out about this thread and will be alerting the police to look at this website and suggest the police alert the insurance company as well for insurance fraud. Don't worry - the family will now be taken in to questioning, get sued for insurance fraud, and possibly detained and fined by the police for fraud and filing a false police report. I'll make sure these scumbags get what they deserve for treating my family member like dirt.
[ Reply | Options ]Good! Im glad someone else is contacting the NYPD about this. I sent them an email with a link to this site earlier too. Someone willingly committing insurance fraud makes ALL of our premiums increase every year to cover the loss by the insurance company. Im not sitting back and watch it happen because someone else is embarrassed to admit they made a mistake!!
[ Reply | Options ]The NYPD Crimestoppers tip link is https://a056-crimestoppers.nyc.gov/crimestoppers/public/tipForm.cfm?pgLang=english&mwID=0 for reporting this.
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