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Divorce?? I feel that my dh loves me and I love + care for him but not the way I want to love my dh. We have argued a lot in past years (he can be very condescending) but have made huge strides in communication. However, I am not attracted to him, dread sex. I smile + laugh much more with others than I do with dh. I think it is b/c we are very different which intrigued me at first...My therapist confirmed this after mtg him said that we are too different, incompatible + that we'll never make each other happy. I am 35, have a 3.5 yr old (would love more). If divorce, we will live very far from each other. Should I just appreciate that I have someone that loves me and our child? Sometimes I think that it is but we are both good people, have a lot of love to give. Am I asking too much??? Should I just love the one I am with or break-up?
20 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]your therapist said you're too different, incompatible and will NEVER make each other happy? change therapists immediately. and if you have love for him and he does for you, work it out.
[ Reply | Options ]Thank you for that. I did drop therapist eventually...:)...but her words still ring in my ears b/c I worry that she may be correct. I do care for and respect husband but we are really different. I worry that I am settling and being cautious which I tend to be and that may screw up my child as well... I realized that I have made mistakes, I just don't want to continue doing so. Thank you for your encouragement on working it out though. That is what I would like to do...he is a good person and I want a happy, loving family...I just worry that I am trying to put a square peg into round hole....
[ Reply | Options ]happy to hear you fired the therapist! now forget what they said ;) although what you describe sounds very hard, you are married and do have a dc so please try. sometimes moving helps since going to a new place can help re-bond you...everything is a rediscovery etc., but it can also add stress. can you go on a vacation, just the two of you and have a family member watch your dc? there IS something about him you fell in love with and vice versa, but life makes us focus on what annoys and irritates us. try to focus on the positive...but he has to do it as well. no point in only one person trying.
[ Reply | Options ]When I told my marriage counselor (different person than the one I mentioned above) that the main reason that I was trying so hard to make the marriage work was for our child, she told me that was the wrong reason (hote that I ended up "firing" her for other reasons...I am so over therapists at the moment!!!!). I told her the research that shows how children from divorced families have a very difficult time with it, that my friends whose parents got divorced (even after they had graduated from college!) had a very difficult time as well and I felt that it was our responsibility to give it all our effort to make the marriage work and she told me that I needed to what was best for me first. I did agree to some extent, but what really was best for me to was to leave but we had a child together...anyhow. We did move which unfortunately was a disaster for our relationship...but perhaps we needed to go to ground zero to really deal with things. We also went on a vacation this past winter which was very, very helpful and one of the reasons why things are working well...also, his boss gave my husband feedback on the way he interacts with people (condescending, which I have been telling my husband for years but when he heard it from his boss, he actually listened and now apologizes to me after he speaks to me in a not-so-nice way). So, I feel like we have done almost everything we could do for our relationship...I felt like I wanted to get to a point where we were at least communicating properly before ending it because I didn't want it to end on horrible terms (sounds strange, I know b/c it has been torture for both of us). So, here we are communicating better than ever...and I admit that we probably weren't the best match in the first place...but we need to make the next decision. Do we have another child...or do we agree that we are better as friends and go our own ways... On that note, it seems like most are saying that I try a little more (will read The Art of Loving) and be happy that I have someone who loves me, who is trustworthy and wants things to work out with us (sounds crazy to give it up, I know...but what I come back to is that I just don't laugh/smile that much with him...the chemistry is just lacking...anyhow, enough about that! I will try to make the most of it and we will try to do more fun things together (although it is hard b/c he works a lot and seems to get sick all the time so he either working or sick on the weekends!!!). Thank you!! :)
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u r having that mid-life crisis where u wonder if u should have taken a different path -- if you r missing out on something better. This is as good as it gets. Change your attitude and be happy with what you have. Don't make yourself miserable by wishing for a different life.
[ Reply | Options ]I think that I am having a mid-life crisis too...although I think that the passion/deep love did fade before the mid-life crisis started though. It is good to hear that you think this is as good as it can be over the long term...I do have a tendency to rethink things, have regrets, etc...
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the therapist was over the line with that opinion. It's normal to lose the romance after a few years, but you need a bigger reason than this to split up the family. Try to remember why you married him in the first place. Do you want to have more kids? That might be something to discuss. Everybody settles in some way, so I think your expectations are too high.
[ Reply | Options ]Okay, thank you. I hope my expectations are too high.... Yes, we both want more kids but relationship has been strained so we have been waiting. I think that our relationship is in a pretty good place now so we could have another..but I am not attracted to him!?!? Part of the problem is probably that I have issues with sex (i am very modest, have catholic parents) but there was a time that I was very attracted to him...just not for a while now. There are other issues, like some of his mannerisms really bother me (and i feel badly for feeling this way). I wish for a potion that would make me attracted to him (or for the immaculate conception...but that wouldn't work for him..)
[ Reply | Options ]i don't think there's a wife out there who doesn't look at her husband at some point and think "does he HAVE to eat like that???" or something along those lines. i adore my husband but sometimes such things annoy me. they're little things so try to let them pass...otherwise maybe be open about them to him. say "i know it sounds small and stupid, but i want us to be close again...and when you do X it grates on me and turns me off". maybe that will inspire him to make little efforts, while you make little efforts. as far as your sexual issues, maybe you could see a therapist JUST for you. not for the both of you...these might be things which get in your way and are not really his fault.
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I sometimes thing people expect a love like in movies, but movies are not reality based (at least not most of them). Live gets hard and things change. Not every woman is going to live in total bliss with her dh til the day she dies. If you start to show him love, you may be surprised by the outcome. Deciding you don't love him is making the first step in you choosing not to love him. Veer the other way and start loving him again, the good things about him and the rest will follow - good luck.
[ Reply | Options ]that is a really strange thing for a therapist to say. i would try a new one. i would think long and hard before getting a divorce... which it sounds like you are doing now. typically, kids lose out big time in divorce. even with child support payments/alimony, household income usually takes a nosedive, and the kids suffer for it. not to mention having a parent that lives far away and can't be there for the day to day stuff. the non-custodial parent often starts out with the best of intentions, but their effort falls away quickly. this is hard to imagine when you are still married. if you love him and he loves you, i would concentrate on making things work, even if this isn't the romance you dreamed of. for your child's sake.
[ Reply | Options ]That is what I was thinking and trying really hard to do... Just so that I don't sound like a total idealist, I have considered ending it not b/c it wasn't the romance that I dreamed of...our relationship was in really bad shape at one point...like it was almost torture staying in it...we have moved past that point (i couldn't even talk about it when i was in it b/c I was so miserable). For example, it is difficult to socialize together b/c my girl friends are married to guys that he can't communicate with so we rarely get together with friends on the wkd. Too much to explain on UB. He does love me and I care for him, like a friend but not a husband (e.g. I cringe and want to cry whenever he wants to be initmiate). But, it is better than it was..that is to say it is now bearable. I am proud that we didn't break up when everything was a disaster and we would have hated each other (if we did break up now, we could communicate for our daugther's sake on fine terms). Just not sure if 'okay' is good enough - for my daughter as well. Sounds like most of you are saying that it needs to be, which I respect and frankly is what my gut is saying. Happy to have it confirmed.
[ Reply | Options ]^it used to be.Just wondering if "okay" was enough for us and our child.Our marriage counselor didn't think so.She recommended that we at least separate for a while.Said that it was more important that we are individually happy for our child's sake..and frankly made me feel guilty/like a whimp for "settling".My gut/morals tell me that we need to do everythign we can to stay together for child's sake, which we have been doing.If we broke up, i don't expect to find love of my life.I will probably be single for long time.
[ Reply | Options ]Note that "marriage counselor" mentioned above is different than the individual therapist that I mentioned in original post.Also, don't think that I am a therapist freak...I hadn't seen my individual therapist in years...I stopped seeing her about 4 years ago however I was seeing her when dating my now husband and she had encouraged us to stay together, marry him when I considered breaking it off at one point! I went back to see her in marriage crisis and she told us to get a divorce!! Crazy. I know that the final decision is mine but it was a annoying...especially since she charges so much, you think that she would at least be consistent!!!
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this is a tough situation. it seems like you are isolated with him and have lost that social network because your friends cannot get along with him. could this be a starting place to try to remedy things? are you close enough with your girlfriends to tell them that you miss the get togethers and to help you bring dh into the swing of it again. and then talk meangingfully with dh that you want to return to your friendships and that his understanding and making this work is very important to you. something tells me that if this hurdle could be accomplished and you'd be back with your friends, you'd respect him more and feel more like a couple with him.
[ Reply | Options ]Thank you! I am so happy to hear that most people think that this is still a workable situation. I had so many doubts and when my therapist (who charges $300 an hour!!!) confirmed my doubts and told me that it was not workable at all...and our marriage counselor recommended separation (not divorce), I felt so stupid (as stated my first responder above) and felt that I was in a no-win situation. We have made a lot of progress and we have hit a plateau, but it sounds like you think that we keep going. I am embarressed/uncomfortable talkign with friends about it so I really appreciate everyone's support. Thank you. :)
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