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Enlighten me: pls. provide example of a "Helicopter Mom." If it's what I think, I could perhaps---unknowingly---be committing this mortal sin. Please give specific example of this grave error in judgement.
85 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]OK, so in the playground I should watch db from afar? And ignore all the scenarios of an amber alert after kidnapper grabs my db and runs faster than I can?
[ Reply | Options ]Yes. Let them just play. As long as you can see them, it's fine. The chances of a stranger abduction are slim to none. My kids are allowed to play alone in the yard (gasp), and can go pretty far away from me. It helps teach them boundaries.
[ Reply | Options ]are you in NYC? do you have any idea the number of pedophiles who walk among us?
[ Reply | Options ]np - I live in NYC and I don't think that the parks we frequent in the UWS allow adults unless they are accompanying kids. But if you are OP, sounds like you didn't come for answers, but to justify your being a helicopter mom. If that's the case, there is no way anyone is convincing you to do what you have decided its the best way to parent.
[ Reply | Options ]NYC law - all adults on a city playground must be accompanied by a child under 12. Someone questioned my FIL while he was sitting on a bench in a Central Park playground doing a crossword puzzle while MIL had DD in a swing.
[ Reply | Options ]Are you kidding me? Who questioned him---surely not a NYC cop. Was it the guy in the green Parks Dept. outfit with a rake in his hand?
[ Reply | Options ]No - it was a mother. FIL hadn't shaved in a few days, was wearing a paint-splattered sweatshirt and looked pretty grubby. He told me that he explained that he was there with his granddaughter, pointed her out and showed her the diaper bag sitting next to him. He's pretty thick skinned and didn't get offended. FWIW, according to a friend of mine in the DAs office, a few of those "Parks Dep't" guys you think aren't working are actually cops.
[ Reply | Options ]I wish sometimes i had the nerve to say that to someone suspicious looking in a playground. but, most times i don't. creeps me out, though
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I was asked if I was accompanying a child in an uptown playground(by a father), and am most assuredly, a woman. I've done this to men and women alike, over a couple of decades(I've cared for many kids-my own, relatives' and their friends), but not as a preemptive strike. We do need to watch our kids and their surroundings, but I've spent years "ducking the rotors" of helicopter caregivers. I'm often stunned when I read about nannies sitting on their behinds; I mean, if kids are at a playground I'd hope there's real work they're doing: developing confidence, autonomy and socializing.
[ Reply | Options ]btw-most parents I know have done their 'recon' by trial, choosing playgrounds with regulars, limited entrances/exits, high fences if very spacious parks and planting themselves with as good a panoramic view, as possible. Ime, the worst helis are visiting grandparents; Even our kids understand what we refer to as "the grandparent bubble". The best we can do is try to set examples and hope they'll chill.
[ Reply | Options ]NP: you would be more afraid to "cry wolf" than to call out a suspected freak? Think about that. I just have to say, there are men at the sprinkler parks often checking out boys and girls in their swimsuits, never heard of any one kidnapping or molesting, but do you really want them jerking off to images of your DS later in the day? I avoid those parks like the ones in the 90's) but if I had an issue I'd let them know it and they would leave.
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far fewer than you think there are. Anyway when was the last time you heard of a mom chasing a kidnapper? I've never heard of it. They look for targets that they won't get caught
[ Reply | Options ]okay, okay. so it's a constant worry and a recurring nightmare. tell me in your most vulnerable hour you don't worry about some obscure sh*t happening to your child.
[ Reply | Options ]of course, but you can't let it interfere with your child's development. They need far more freedom than we give them to learn to make wise decisions. If we are always there to protect them, then they don't learn on their own. It's scary, but it's good for them
[ Reply | Options ]Thank god that finally someone admitted to it being a scary thing for a kid to run off on his/her own! I think the "helicopter moms" are the ones setting protocol for how other Moms should behave!
[ Reply | Options ]I think it's scary because of all the stories we hear, but in reality our kids are much safer than we think. Here's a great article: http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2009/05/04/free_range_kids/index.html
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you'd better get over this eventually, because when your kid is 11, her/his contemporaries are going to be going to school alone on the bus/subway...and it only gets worse from there. your job is to teach your kid to be independent. You can't do that by being a helicopter mom. it's hard, but it's reality
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Yes. And they know that they can't get away with just grabbing a kid off a playground. There are too many adults watching the kids and just enough cops (uniformed and plainclothes) to keep them away. The ones who have real relationship with your DCs are the ones to worry about. Most kidnappers are relatives and most pedophiles know their victims.
[ Reply | Options ]ITA you have to keep a watch, not in NYC was at a children's museum and a man tried to enter by himself, looked totally shifty, he and the manager spoke, and he ended up walking around with an employee, but still you have to question his motives. and all this coverage of that boy etan's disappearance is heartbreaking
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I remember seeing a segment on a news magazine show years ago. The mom had children away at college and had their class schedules. She would call to wake them up every morning. Call after each class. Call to remind them it was time for their next class. Help write papers for their classes. Just way too involved.
[ Reply | Options ]Also, parents of kids with SN cannot just let them play completely unattended on the playground in NYC. These kids often have poor safety awareness and cannot read social cues, may get upset if another child grabs a swing or a toy in the sandbox. Be careful with using that label on the parent if you do not know the child...
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shlepping your 12 year old to the gym and leaving him/her in the daycare with the babies on a saturday morning instead of trusting them at home, during day light hours, for an hour and a half
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my boss's kid was a sophmore at oberlin and still faxed papers home for a proof read
[ Reply | Options ]Moms that do every homework assignment with their kids, get involved in kids' social dynamics constantly, and don't allow their kids to make mistakes and learn for themselves. The Moms whose kids will call them from college and be pathetic enough to ask them what classes to take, what to major in.
[ Reply | Options ]Ooops. I must be the anti-thesis of a helicopter mom. DC is a nervous kid and I rarely pick him up when he falls or wants to be picked up (is 2yo). In my defense, I'm very pregnant. So I'm the one sitting on the park bench while DS is running around the park and coming to me every 10mins to update me on which piece of park equipment he is currently playing on.
[ Reply | Options ]oh, so it's your kid i'm picking up and breaking up the spat with when i'm chasing my kid around. thanks alot, lady.
[ Reply | Options ]No way my kid gets in fights. Did I mention he was the nervous sort? If he did pick a fight, I think DH and I would actually feel proud of him. As it is, the last time I arranged a playdate he sat on my lap for 1/2 the playdate because the visiting kid enthusiastically shoved (hugged) him on arrival!
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My toddler has physical disabilities but not so bad as to be obvious, I have to shadow dc because of frequent falls and I know others must think of me as helicopter mom, don't be so judgmental of others!!
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Hmm, am I a helicopter mom if I am following my 19 mo around the playground since she doesn't know what will kill her
[ Reply | Options ]what is there at your playground that will kill your 19 mo that requires you to stand over her?
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Actually, I should have said this: ladders, stairs, those gaps in the play equipment that you can walk right off of, and children flinging toys down the slides. Sorry. Any mom who isn't pretty close to her 19mo child on five or six foot high play equipment is acting pretty dumb in my book.
[ Reply | Options ]i'm a helicopter mom on the playground with my 22 mo since i know the equipment is not necessarily designed for children her age. so i stay within range in case there's a fall. otherwise i keep an eye on her from a short distance and that distance will increase as she gets older and can handle monkeying around the place on her own.
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So the gal who leaves her 18mo at home with a baby monitor only on a Saturday night would be disqualified?
[ Reply | Options ]my child has serious peanut allergies---i am v/vigilant w/food in all facets of life; are you considering me a helo, too?
[ Reply | Options ]Some of us are very sensitive to kids' allergies and never let our kids eat near other kids we don't know. I know one allergy mom who's always around at snack time, but absent when her child(Big for her age with SERIOUS physical impulse issues)is leveling an innocent bystander! That one should hover a bit more!
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I think it is hard to be a heli mom with young kids, but you can have "warning signs." What you need to watch out for is getting too involved in your older kids lives. I was a TA in graduate school and used to get MANY phone calls from parents about how little Johnny or Susie was an A student and the B I gave him or her on a lab must have been a mistake. That's a helicopter parent and it's hard to justify that as being "overprotective"
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Do you insist on going down the slide with your 3 year old? Stand beneath them if they climb more than 12" in the air? Do you speak for DC when dealing with other kids, and not let them work it out? Use plastic cups with your 4 year old, lest they break a glass and get hurt? Do you tell dc to "be careful" more than once an hour? Can dc be mussed or dirty?
[ Reply | Options ]The fact that you are aware of the "helicopter mom" syndrome might indicate that you are not. Examples: hiding under a chair in front of your child for their kindergarten picture to make them have a good picture, going down the slide with a 3YO (going down the slide with a 1-2YO is okay), going to school with them , etc
[ Reply | Options ]It's the mother who knows the grades and activities of all the dc in her dc's class. She will put her dc in embarassing situations by being a know-it-all to coaches, teachers, other parents as well as other dc. She will suss out info on the sly from unwitting parents and will ask your dc inappropriate questions that she doesn't have the nerve to ask you to your face. She will try to intimidate other dc in an effort to make her dc shine. She actually believes that the the priority in any group situation is her child being #1 - damn the the other dcs, etiquette, morality, ability, valuable lessons....She will make the lives of those around her a living hell!!
[ Reply | Options ]helicopter moms try and "fix", plan, and control everything for their children. As a result, these kids rarely learn independent thought, true creativity, problem solving or social skills. It's much more than just tailing the kid around the playground - which depending on age, location, other kids there, etc. may just be common sense. The helicopter mom is always at school, in the teachers face, trys to orchestrate the kids their child becomes friends with, etc. A new generation of young adults raised by these parents are entering the workforce - - interestingly, HR has had to hire extra help and initiate training for managers to deal with these employees who aren't well prepared for the real world. The sad part is that, of course, these parents think they're doing the right thing, but in the long-run, they're hurting their children. JMO
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