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I've had such a hard time dealing with the fact that I had to have a c-section. This was my first child and I really believed in natural birth. I'm happy that my son is healthy and alive, but I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I feel so sad for what I lost. Does anyone else feel this way?
87 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]most doctors don't get paid more for c-sections. I shopped around a lot and the difference was maybe $500. I believe liability issues makes a doctor more likely to (1) move to a c-section if labor progresses poorly or baby shows any sign of dsitress, and (2) induce a woman before 41 weeks to avoid any issues as well. Not to mention scheduling-
[ Reply | Options ]Thanks for your response. I can't say, 100%, that my baby would not have lived if I didn't have a c-sections, but I know my doctor didn't make any money off of me. My bill is for a 24 hour vaginal delivery. I feel so much pressure to do things the "right" way, but I realize all this pressure is coming from me, only. Thanks for sharing.
[ Reply | Options ]I don't believe doctors honestly cut open a bunch of women because they get more money... however, do they do it because of malpractice should something go wrong with vaginal? I'm sure of it. I wouldn't have it any other way! Get 'em out however you can as long as they're healthy!
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this is honestly so unimportant in the scheme of things. you have a healthy baby, that is the only thing that matters! how lucky are you!
[ Reply | Options ]np I had a c/s due to failed induction. Was it what I wanted? No. Am a grateful to have healthy dcs (had another c/s with #2 because I developed preeclampsia an couldn't try VBAC) when SO many people struggle with infertility and would do anything to have children? Absolutely. Posters like OP bug me.
[ Reply | Options ]NP: Well, people like you bug me. She feels the way she feels and what right do YOU have to dismiss her because you feel differently? Attitudes like yours are the reason that so many women struggle with this as long as they do - they don't have a chance to talk through their feelings because people are dismissive or outright hostile towards them when they try.
[ Reply | Options ]Me too! Women die in Tanzania because they don't have access to our medical care and people in NYC are ashamed and disgusted. Not everyone can have a perfectly wonderful natural birth, even if you believe it in. Thank goodness everything is OK! If you lived elsewhere or 100 years ago, you'd probably be dead.
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Yes, many, many people do. And I think it's best to deal with the emotions, not just "get over them" like 90% of the world wants you to. I haven't been over there in a while, but there used to be a specific board on Babycenter for moms dealing with post-delivery issues they wanted to talk about that was actually very helpful.
[ Reply | Options ]DH here: I find this thread fascinating, particularly the fact the other women so easily relate to OP's reaction. You have a healthy child. You are ok. Everything else is so secondary. I'm sure your husband is thrilled that everyone is doing well and would hate for you to be suffering like this at what should be such a happy time. You put so much pressure on yourself to do things "the right way" but life doesn't often work out exactly the way you plan. Could this, in part, be PPD?
[ Reply | Options ]How old is db? I had the exact same feelings. I ended up with an emergency c/s after many many hours of labor. Trust me when I tell you this: it will take about 10-12 months to get over this crappy feeling. But you WILL get over it.
[ Reply | Options ]Yes, my son is 10 months now. Thanks! I know things will start to turn around. I think I was in shock for the first 3 months, and after that it was like a ton of bricks. I have to admit, it has been getting better. Thanks for your response.
[ Reply | Options ]You're welcome :) I went through the exact same thing. I couldn't believe how I was somehow "wronged", cheated out of a positive natural childbirth experience I had hoped for. Now when I think back I only think of the facts, as in things went that way and that's the story. No more tears or heavy emotional feelings.
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I'm not sure what your future plans are, but if you have another child you might be able to try for a VBAC. I too was bummed when I had to have a c-section with my first DC (she was breech and I had high BP complications) but then I delivered my 2nd DC via VBAC. Do not let your doctor tell you you can't ever have a natural delivery after a c-section, because it is possible. My VBAC was a total breeze and the kid was 9 1/2 lbs! GL and don't beat yourself up. Having a healthy baby is the most important thing no matter how he made it into this world.
[ Reply | Options ]As a mother of a baby who died ahortly after birth (previously undetected heart defect) my instinct is to slap you and remind you lucky you are. I aced the pregnancy (full term, no complications) and the labor (short, natural, no edipural or other meds) but lost the baby. Honestly, please remember what's more important.
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OR - thank god, we now have two healthy dcs. But I'll tell you, with our next db we didn't care if the doctor had to take it out of me with a backhoe - ALL that mattered was to leave the hospital with a healthy baby.
[ Reply | Options ]So sorry, and so glad you you now have two healthy dcs. I have two friends who went through similar things and it was heartbreaking, but you do realize that it's not to blame on some personal weakness. For better or worse, we don't control everything that happens to us. Thanks for sharing.
[ Reply | Options ]I felt the same way, just get him the hell out of there and into my arms goddamnit! more women need to have this mentality. it eliminates the chance of letdown later on when things don't go as planned.
[ Reply | Options ]True, and I think of the incredibly wide range of birth experiences I know of--from unexpected emergencies to one delivery that happened--naturally!--11 minutes after arrival in hospital. And none of it in the end had anything to do with how much yoga the moms did, or how many breathing classes they took--not that it hurts, but you just can't always control the way things happen--focus on having a healthy baby.
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You know, I really hope none of us will ever feel your pain--and yes, losing a child certainly trumps pretty much anything else--but that doesn't mean OP's feelings are meaningless. We all have to get through our difficult times. -np
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I HATE THAT WE ARE TOLD C/S ARE SOMEHOW INFERIOR. It's not right. It is a birth, it is very cool in its own way. I too had a c/s that I was not thrilled about, but it wasn't a failure or the cause of an OB desperate to get home by dinner. An easy quick no-drug VBAC left me with hemmorhoids and very weak rectal and vaginal muscles that kegels cannot improve. Both were great experiences in their own way. But the vbac left my body a mess.
[ Reply | Options ]It's ridiculous. You "believed" in natural birth? Believe in a healthy baby and a healthy you and get over it. You didn't lose shit. If you'd lost a baby, I'd have sympathy. People like you have lost all perspective and are spoiled entitled fools. Move on and enjoy your baby, you silly person.
[ Reply | Options ]you need to grieve the loss of the experience you had hoped for. it's a loss that you need to deal with, but you will deal with it, come to understand it, and move on. it doesn't matter what anyone else's experience was -- this was yours and you will let go of the sadness in time.
[ Reply | Options ]I totally agree. Don't let people make you feel guilty about your feelings, as "petty" as your problems may seem next to stillbirths and miscarriages. I had no expectations about my birth and was shocked at how sad my c-section made me feel - I was so jealous of women who felt their babies come out and held them right away. These feelings are completely normal and fade with time - in a few months/years, childbirth will just be a drop in the bucket of your child's life.
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I agree with PPD statement; get some help. Also, what IS the big deal with C-sections? And what does "natural" birth mean? Squatting in a field, biting the cord with your teeth? Pul-lease. If the baby was in, and then out, AND HEALTHY - rejoice! Whether your sweetie comes out of the bottom part of you, the middle of you, or your ear, at least you have a darling child!
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umm, what would you rather have, a natural delivery but the baby lost oxygen because it was too difficult to get thru the birth canal resulting in brain damage? we are so lucky that c-section is an option, for women of yore loss of life (mother and/or child) was a likely outcome.
[ Reply | Options ]I felt the same, and was shocked at the way the birth turned out. But it really helped to talk it through with the doctor who delivered db, who helped me really understand that I did not have any choices, if the db was to survive. I had actually never been in a hospital before, so it was all quite surreal and bizarre to me.
[ Reply | Options ]Giving birth isn't exactly trauma-free even when it goes smoothly - you're still dealing with an unfamiliar environment, loss of control, pain, blood, fear for yourself and DB. I think the expectation beforehand that you can wrap it up in a pretty package where everything goes as planned and the expectation afterwards that nothing is supposed to matter to you but the outcome are equally unrealistic.
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I fought with my OB for the right to have an elective c-section. Statistics show that non-emergency c-sections are far safer for the baby. I was up and running in 2 days, drove around in 3 days, and started jogging (slowly) in two weeks. Just didn't want any labor pain and possible complications.
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I am not, I did the research, I am a professional scientist and I know statistics. You are either misinformed yourself, or have trouble with applied statistics. Keep in mind that I said NON-EMERGENCY or ELECTIVE c-section compared to natural births. Of course, if you count ALL c-section to natural births, then it is another story.
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Well, I would never think to be "ashamed" or "disgusted" by my c-section, I DO feel like I missed out on something. Maybe next baby!
[ Reply | Options ]missed out on grunting and groaning and tearing up your vaginal area and stretching it out for good?
[ Reply | Options ]Missed out on the joy of THAT MOMENT, missed out on the sheer relief, the hormone rush, missed out on my husband actively assisting. After 36 hours of labor (did not miss out on the grunting and groaning), to suddenly find myself a scared, inactive participant in the birth of my baby was a big disappointment. Vaginal tearing heals. It's a small price to pay, IMO.
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I had a c-section with my first and was scheduled for another c with my second because I heard it was the safest way to proceed. I went into labor before my second scheduled c and had a v-bac. I'm happy that it worked out that way and I'm happy that I got to experience both births, but in the same way that I'd be happy if I was only ever going to go to Europe once and I got to see Italy and France, rather than just one. You always think you're missing more than you really are. That being said, this is something you wanted and didn't get and it's disappointing. It's hard to equate your 99% happy situation with bad situations and tell yourself that you're lucky and just be happy because for the most part, we all should be happy with what we have (even the terrible terrible post above about the woman who lost her baby, I very much hope that she is on this board because she has other children or a new baby now, even though that would never replace the baby she lost) compared to what many people who don't even have computers to peruse chatrooms like this have. That's a long way of saying that you are entitled to feel sad even if you have much to be grateful for. It may pass over time, but you may always feel a pang of sadness when you think about it and I think that's ok.
[ Reply | Options ]I’ve been trying to conceive #1 with no luck for over a year and a half and am afraid that my husband and I will never be able to have children. Obviously you’re going to feel what you feel and can't help that, but from my perspective, you are really lucky that you were able to have a baby at all.
[ Reply | Options ]Don't feel ashamed. There is nothing wrong with being disappointed that you did not get to experience vaginal birth. Many people who have had C-sections do not understand the intensity of a vaginal birth. For those to whom a vaginal birth is important, it is really important and that is natural. You are allowed to be sad and disappointed without beating yourself up. Obviously, having a healthy baby is the most important thing but all these people who tell you that your feelings are silly just don't get it. I had a pretty tough day. It could have been worse--I mean, I guess I'm happy I didn't get run over by a bus, but that doesn't mean I didn't have a tough day. You just have to work through your feelings. And please know that many of us sympathize deeply--I would be very sad if I had had circumstances that didn't allow me to birth my children vaginally. It was an incredible experience with both and certainly something you are allowed to have wanted to experience.
[ Reply | Options ]HMMMMMM--ever wonder why so many women who have had C-sections are so freaking defensive? It's rather telling.
[ Reply | Options ]I am sorry that you didn't have the experience you wanted -- please ignore all of these other women who can't understand and empathize with that. I have had two c-sections -- my first child died shortly after birth and I now have a healthy db. I will not tell you that having a healthy child is the only thing that matters, and to get over it -- your experience and satisfaction with what happened is also important. Also, all these women who say "a healthy baby is all that matters" are ignoring the risks c-sections can have in subsequent pregnancies -- which is one of my biggest concerns. I know that I that I feel as though I was railroaded into my first c-section and pressured into my second. What I feel bad about, though, is that I did not educate myself the first time around to do everything possible to avoid that c-section -- and for not speaking up for myself when I needed to. I feel that I have no one else to blame for it but myself and still wonder if my child would be alive if not for the c-section (as if somehow that would have changed everything that happened after). In any case, I am sad for everything I lost -- first and foremost (by far) my child, but also the birth experience I wanted. Your feelings are valid and you are entitled to have them. Next time, do all the research on vbac that you can -- having one may help you overcome this. Also, check out I-CAN (http://www.ican-online.org/ ) -- this can be a helpful resource.
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