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  • How do you politely and kindly tell a single child-free friend that when you pay for a baby-sitter and take the rare night off, your first choice is not to go to her apartment for dinner? Does this just seem rude? And on the weekend, we really would rather hang with the kids after a work week and not go out at all, unless the kids are included -- or go to a movie, which is rare for us. I understand how she feels but I am also sick of feeling pressured to do this every time we speak about making a plan. We have invited her over, but this means our kids are around until we put them to bed, which is not what she is always looking for, and also I think she just loves having people over and cooking for them. I just want to get out when we get out, though I know she is being nice. (Plus she lives far for us, adding cab fare and an extra hour of sitter to our night out; petty since she is cooking, but we bring wine etc.)

    21 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]
    05.22.09, 01:27 PM [ Flag ]
    • You do not sound like a nice person.

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      05.22.09, 01:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • I would love it if someone cooked for me. If you want to go out, just go. Is she your only friend?

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      05.22.09, 01:40 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • ITA. Nothing is nicer than a home cooked meal that someone else cooked. There are many people who think it's actually a warmer gesture to offer to cook a meal than to suggest to go out. But if that's what you'd rather do, say so!

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        05.22.09, 02:33 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • sounds like you're not a friend.

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      05.22.09, 01:47 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • huh? she just wants to do something with her friend that they all enjoy. when you are not wealthy, your nights with a sitter are few and far between. it makes sense that they could do something they are all excited about when they get together. i would just tell my friend how i felt. if she realized the way she felt, i'm sure she would have no problem with doing something different.

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        05.22.09, 02:02 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        • So, a night with a sitter and a dinner bill, plus the movie would be easier on her pocketbook?

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          05.22.09, 02:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
          • what i'm saying is that on ANY night out, she's spending a lot of money. so she might as well be having fun.

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            05.22.09, 03:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • Invite her over after the kids go to bed

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      05.22.09, 01:49 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • Your friend is unaware of how you feel. Keep in mind she doesn't have children and can't relate to daily life with kids. Don't get pissed off at her, just tell her that you're dying to go out on the town with her. She can't read your effing mind.

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      05.22.09, 02:04 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • OP: good point. I will try to just be explain honestly (and be nice, though apparently I am not that). I guess being pressured presses my buttons, and she enjoys controlling the situation (going back to before I had kids, as well; I just don't like it when I feel people are pushy, but no doubt it is my problem).

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        05.22.09, 02:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • why can't you do both...explain the situation...one month go to her place for dinner...the next month go out somewhere...after that maybe she can come to you and spend some time with your kids before they go to sleep

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      05.22.09, 02:36 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • I totally understand being selective with your sitter nights, but I don't understand not wanting to go to friend's house for dinner. The whole thing about going out for me, anyway, is hanging out with friends and DH. I don't especially care about where. But that's me. Maybe just tell her you want to go out -- try a new restaurant or something. Is it possible that she has money issues and doesn't want to go to restaurant for that reason?

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      05.22.09, 02:47 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • I get it. I have a similar situation. Reading between the lines, it sounds like you just don't really want to go out. That will change, but it is hard with small children (I am assuming they are small?) when you are tired, don't get time to yourself, have to pay a lot of bucks and plan ahead just to have dinner, and you want to maintain your friendships with friends who don't have kids, but your priorities are so different. Just saying, it can definitely trigger resentment on both sides.

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      05.22.09, 03:28 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • Ignore the posts above. I'm in your situation, except this is true for ALL our friends. Not one has a kid and most are not even married. So DH and I go out to these 'parties' alone while the other babysits DC. We try to go out late, so that it doesn't become stressful for the spouse, but we also get to go out more (1X / wk). When we get a sitter, its only after DC are asleep and only for something DH and I both enjoy doing. Usually NOT for dinner at someone's home. Not that I don't appreciate dinner, but you can't keep that to 1-2hrs and that's usually our budget for going out and feeling free. We also have friends over for drinks later at night, after DC are asleep. Since we both woh, we rarely leave DC home during the wee or weekend with a sitter to do anything. It's our time with DC.

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      05.22.09, 08:51 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
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