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i am struggling with guilt and unhappiness. my MIL, who has always been self-indulgent but gentle and kind, is really working my last nerve lately. She is so self absorbed and full of self pity. i understand that her health is deteriorating, but we all love her and include her in our day to day activities as much as we can. my children adore her and i do not want my frustrations with her to cloud that at all. i do not expect her to change - getting old is hard - i am hoping to become stronger in my ability to treat her with kindness even (or especially) when she is at her worst. thanks in advance.
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she is 86. she has no "serious" health issues, but many things which make her life painful and limiting. i find myself impatient with the constant whining and complaining. i feel terrible about it, but all she wants to do is turn every conversation around to herself. she is constantly directing the attention to herself. i'm certain that she senses my impatience and i'm not proud of myself. i don't do anything overtly disrepectful; but i do distance myself from her when the whining starts. i don't want my kids to their grandmother acting like a baby or to see me being disrespectful to her, but i am having a hard time being kind all the time.
[ Reply | Options ]you don't have to be kind all the time - sometimes you have to say how you feel (and not feel bad after you do it).
[ Reply | Options ]she is very sensitive - whether that is genuine or she is just trying to manipulate i do not know. i cannot make an 86 y/o cry. i just can't do it.
[ Reply | Options ]oh no - you don't have to be mean, but once in a while you can speak half of your mind. i will bet she is manipulative and borderline (my g-ma was). Have you tried getting doc to put her on an SSRI like zoloft? helped a little with mine. not a lot but a little.
[ Reply | Options ]during my fils final illness, their doctor prescribed and anti-depressent for mil. she did not take it b/c it was too expensive even after insurance. her ailments are legitimate, but it is hard to really sympathize with her because she has been complaining since i have known her (25+ years) about her failing health and how she feels terrible, etc. etc. i realize now that the only thing i can control is myself. thanks for your advice, btw.
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^^ fwiw - I took care of my grandmother for the last 5 years of her life and a meaner woman you have never met. I was the family liaison - it was as challenging as anything I have ever done. I pretended i was on a tv show sometimes and just acted/faked it. there were occassional flashes of who she used to be which made it worth it and knowing that I kept her involved with the whole family until she died made me feel better. But i can tell you that i did not cry at her funeral. plenty of times before then but not on that day.
[ Reply | Options ]thank you so much for sharing and for not flaming me. my mother passed away 10 years ago and it would break my heart if i thought that anyone resented her as much as i resent my mil right now. furthermore, it makes me so sad to see dil's trashing their mil's in front of the children. i just do not respect this woman, although i love her. she has always acted helplessly in front of others and so it makes it difficult to appreciate her now.
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You sound like a good DIL. My mother complains a lot also, much of it legitimate (she had a really horrific childhood, has depression and has been in very poor health for years) so I try to be patient but it is wearing and can be a bit of a downer. I don't think you are probably looking for advice, so I will just say that try to continue to be kind to her, but also to yourself (don't beat up on yourself too much for having normal impatience).
[ Reply | Options ]Also, make sure that you start seriously thinking now about how much caretaking you are able and willing to take on as she gets older and in worse shape. Her "needs" will be unlimited and so you need to know ahead of time how much time/money/energy you can contribute to her care while still caring for your own family.
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Every one of you will eventually become the dreaded MIL. Karma will be a bitch, ladies. Hee hee!
[ Reply | Options ]op - i hope that i will not be so whiny and needy that people will only have me around out of a sense of duty. up until recently, i really liked my mother in law. as i said earlier, i never really respected her because i see that she has always put on a "poor me" attitude to get what she wants, but she has never been unkind or mean in anyway. i think now her aches and pains are just making it hard for her to think about anything else.
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