UrbanBaby Asks...
Do you 'enjoy' spending time with your kids?
- Yes, most of the time we really have fun together
- Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's really dull and aggravating
- Honestly most of the time it's not fun at all, but it's not supposed to be fun
- I really don't enjoy it at all, and wish I could spend less time with them
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Posted September 13, 2007(191 replies)
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wwyd? dh wants to wait until I am 35-36 before we have kids. He has a daughter who lives with us every wkend, who of course I love and help parent. His reasoning for waiting is he decided he wants to go back to school and start a new career. I told him before we got married that motherhood was a top priority for me, and that I did not want to be an older mother. It is just not fair, he has a child already and he won't give me one. he says he would resent me if we had a baby now and put his career on hold...but he should have thought of this SOONER- now I am the one who feels resentful, all of his friends wives have babies, some of my friends are DONE having kids and I haven't even begun. I get so Jealous seeing all the other moms younger than me. I have talked to him but this is his decision..I feel duped..he hasnt slept with me in months for fear of getting preg. Pls HELP- respond, I will log on tomorrow. TIA
28 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreIf you read closer, he won't sleep with her because he's (apparently rightfully) afraid she'll pull that very conniving behavior. What is wrong with you people?
[ Reply | More ]Did not read beyond the display. 'Nothing wrong with you people'. She should get him drunk and sleep with him anyways.
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The attempted sting in your attempted comeback is lost in the fact that that you're trying to talk a woman into conceiving through trickery. That is trashy. The end.
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Oh totally. You're suggesting that she conceive a child out of trickery - something which will likely lead to resentment and a crappy home environment for the baby. I'm saying that sometimes we don't always get exactly what we want in the time frame that we want... and I'M the child. Not only are you trashy, you're apparently not too bright, either.
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Eh. 35 or 36 isn't that old. But the fact that he's afraid that you'll dupe him either means that you're not trustworthy or he's not trusting. Neither of those sounds like a great scenario.
[ Reply | More ]np -- it does sound like a bad scenario. But 35 or 36 might be "that old." I found out I had very few eggs left at 31 and had to do IVF in order to conceive (luckily only needed 2 rounds of IVF) -- if I had waited until I was 35, I might not have had enough eggs left to even try. OP should see an RE and just get her reproductive health evaluated before we tell her 35 or 36 isn't too old.
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Hard decision. Since you told him motherhood was a top priority, he should not have gotten into this (marriage) if he didn't take your needs seriously. Of course, he can change his mind, but the baby issue is always tough. Friend was in the same situation and thought 35/36 was no big deal. DH left her (they weren't getting along anyway). She's 42 now, and single. Longing for the baby even more now than before. Talk to him, tell him this is important. See hwat happens
[ Reply | More ]Seriously, what would I do? Leave him. I am sorry, but he is showing you zero respect and is controlling, dominating, and abusive. I would insist on couples counseling. He doesn't sound like the kind of man you want to have a family with. A newborn is a huge stress and you need a partner, not someone who thinks they are in charge of you.
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I'd say the two of you need to get into couples counseling asap if you both want your marriage to last. Asking you to wait until 35-36 could end up being no big deal, or it could turn out you have fertility issues and lost your window. He's asking too much of you. Personally I think you two need to sit down and work out a way to make both the baby and career change work. It will be tough, but should be important to him to work on a solution that works for both of you. He's being incredibly selfish right now. If he won't go to counseling or negotiate a compromise, then it is time to consider ending the marriage. How old are you now? How long is he asking you to wait?
[ Reply | More ]OP- Thank you all for your responses. We did talk about this before marriage and he said he wanted 1 or 2 kids, which I was fine with. I know lots of women have healthy pregnancies after 35, but I feel why risk it? He feels it wouldn't be right to have a baby now since he will be in school and not working (no money for the baby, babysitters, etc.). As far as no sex its not that he doesn't trust me I think he has issues because his ex lied and said she was on the pill, thats how his daughter came to be. But I feel our entie marriage is in trouble, what kind of marriage do I have if we hardly ever have sex? I feel so sad, I would have a better chance of getting pregnant if I were single.
[ Reply | More ]Talk to your DH. Although you're not old and many women have children into their 40's, it the chances get worse as time goes on. I waited until I was 36 to get PG and tried for years to have another. If you want more than one, and you want one now, you really should get started asap!
[ Reply | More ]Plans do change, but I think that it's foolish to wait too long. There aren't guarantees that you'll get pg at any age. Of course you do have to be on the same page. It's understandable that he wants things to be aligned. Men always want to feel secure before they have kids. That's their end of the agreement in their minds (sweeping generalizations of course). How old are you now? Maybe you could wait six months-1 year as a compromise and then get going when he's more deeply into his next phase. Counseling could help this issue as well.
[ Reply | More ]To everyone who is saying that 35-36 is not that old and no big deal: if you are over 35, you're considered "advanced maternal age" and that automatically makes your pregnancy "high risk," not something to be undertaken lightly. Sure, lots of women do it and are fine but he is asking her to deliberately put herself and her baby at risk, and if she wants 2, the risk will be even greater with the 2nd.
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You should do whatever feels right for you, but from my experience, I would never advise anyone to "wait" to get pregnant, because there's no a guarantee that you can get pregnant right away, or at all. We've waited to try to conceive, and then when we started trying it took us over a year to get pg. And I'm 31.
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The fact that you keep defending him despite the fact that he is controlling this emotional issue on all levels just shows how dysfuntional the issue has become. Go to couples counseling now. You will only grow more resentful if you do nothing more than complain that he isn't being fair.
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