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Posted September 13, 2007(191 replies)
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How much wine is too much? I drink about 2 or 3 glasses a night, only doing this for the past few months since my brother died at age 40 in December, don't want to become a problem drinker, never had issues with alcohol before, but definitely don't want to start now.
42 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreSo sorry about your brotheer. Maybe give yourself till the end of the month and then stop for awhile. If it is hard to stop, then maybe it is important that you do
[ Reply | More ]Thanks for the advice. I find that the wine helps me cope with the loss a bit, but I don't want to feel like I
[ Reply | More ]I had something similar, a trauma, and found I was really happy with a few glasses of wine. Just make it a point to make it temporary, even if you're still coping with the loss. It will make you feel better that at least you're not getting into a potentially destructive habit.
[ Reply | More ]Thank you. I like the idea of allowing myself a definite time period to do this kind of wine drinking in my early stages of mourning, but I don't want to be doing this a year from now.
[ Reply | More ]NP here. I had a trauma and started drinking two or three glasses a night, then at lunch, then even once or twice afterbreakfast. I went on antidepressants and cut back on drinking to one glass a couple nights a week. I am so much calmer and stable now.
[ Reply | More ]in the days and weeks right after the loss (which was sudden), I found myself watching the clock and waiting for 5PM so I could have a glass of wine, but over the past month, I've noticed (thankfully) that I think much less about that first glass. also trying antidepressants and they seem to be helping too. of course, it says "no alcohol" while taking them, but I've been sort of ignoring that.
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sorry about your brother. wine can take the edge off. my best friend and I just shared 2 bottles and we're both fine.
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sorry, who do you want to shut up? me or the person who said "clearly"? I'm new at this.
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ok, thanks. I was worried that you thought I was being overly dramatic or something. It's actually been really helpful to read what people wrote. It's hard to bring this issue up with close friends and family because it would make them nervous and worried that I'm not coping well, but now I feel like there are other people out there who have used a little wine at night to get through a difficult time and it doesn't mean I'm weak or on the road to AA.
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So very sorry for your loss. I was never much of a drinker at all but I found myself craving alcohol after the death of my dc. Saw a therapist who urged me not to give into the urge because of the very real risk of developing a drinking problem. As painful as it is, the only way through the grief process is to go through it, not to numb the pain. Try to find a support group--that might help. Compassionate Friends is a grief support group for people who have lost children and siblings. Here is the link:http://www.compassionatefriends.org/. I wish you all the best. It is a tough road but you don't have to walk it alone.
[ Reply | More ]Not sure if you're still here but I find if I have a cup of decaf tea in bed it acts like a valium and just relaxes me into sleep. Maybe after one glass of wine you can try that?
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Thank you so much, I'm definitely going to the website you suggested. I'm very sorry for your loss. As horrible as the loss of a sibling is, of course the loss of a dc is the most difficult of all. It sounds like you really looked for the support you needed. I know I absolutely have to do the same. It's odd bc although I did drink occasionally before, I was never a big drinker. I guess that's why I was so surprised (and concerned) about the strong cravings and daily intake of wine. Thanks again for the compassionatefriends suggestion.
[ Reply | More ]While you might be right that losing a sibling isn't as difficult as the loss of a child, I don't think it's that useful to a grieving person to hear that. What is the point of making a hierarchy of loss? I'm not sure it's so comforting to thing, "I feel like hell about losing my brother, but gosh, I'd feel even worse if my child had died." Man.
[ Reply | More ]I didn't mean to make a hierarchy of loss. I'm sorry that was offensive to you. I was really just trying to express my truly sincere gratitude that someone who had suffered the loss of a child would take the time to try to help me and wanted to acknowledge that I understood that loss was different. I'm sorry if it came across as thoughtless. Some friends have said to me "when I lost my grandmother, I was devastated for 2 years, but I know that's not as bad as losing your brother". I never felt comforted by that or offended that someone was trying to put a hierarchy on loss. I understood it only as an expression of sympathy. FWIW, I think for most people there actually is a hierarchy....I think if my uncle or cousin had died instead of my brother who was 16 months older than me and my best friend in the entire world (and was single and therefore available to me more or less around the clock for support, to go see a movie, talk on the phone every single day and even lived with us for the 6 months before he died) my grieving would be very different (less painful). I can also say that if it had been my 6 yo son or 8 yo daughter, my grieving would also be different (more painful). Let's try not to debate this though, because my loss is still very raw and the thick skin that I had before this happened hasn't returned to me yet. So, I'll just apologize for being insensitive and hope everyone keeps being supportive like they have been so far on this post (which, btw, is my very first post on UB or any other blog) so I'm still learning the ropes.
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every single parent I know would agree with that, but for some reason the fact that I said it was offensive to the pp. I'm so new at this that I don't even know if the person who was offended is the person who lost their dc or someone else. I hope it was someone else. I'm now totally off topic, but while every single person I know would agree with you and me that a child is number one in the hierarchy, I wonder what most people would put for number 2, definitely and always a spouse? or maybe a mother (especially if you were young) or maybe a sister?
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I am the poster who lost the dc and I was not offended at all and I did not, and certainly would not, even suggest to OP or anyone else that there is a hierarchy of loss--all losses of loved ones are awful. So OP you have nothing to apologize for and you were in no way insensitive. I really just wanted to help OP feel less alone, to let her know that I have been there and experienced something similar (the grieving and, as a result, craving drinking), and how I dealt with it in the hope that I could be of some help to OP. My heart goes out to OP. Please do look into compassionate friends. I hope you find some comfort there.
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I drink 2 a night- have for more years than I can remember. I don't care about new studies. I like it
[ Reply | More ]Keep us posted how you're doing. It's nice that people have been civil and helpful for once on this site...
[ Reply | More ]Ultimately wine will just end up dehydrating you each morning if you get used to drinking each night - even as little as 2 - 3 glasses (which is not little). The next time you want to pour a glass of wine, ask yourself "Why am I really doing this and what will be accomplished?"
[ Reply | More ]np: ita. and, though you might think it helps you sleep, it actually worsens the quality of sleep (after "knocking you out" when your head hits the pillow).
[ Reply | More ]I actually agree with you and the pp that the wine is dehydrating and does worsen the quality of sleep (especially when I wake up in the middle of the night, it causes me to not be able to fall back asleep). I also understand that it's a depressant. The sad but true fact is that while I know all of this, I still want the wine, because the slight numbing has helped me get through these past few months.
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I will keep you posted. I really can't believe how much I've appreciated and enjoyed reading the responses. This is my first time using this site and I was a little worried about posting something after I read some of the exchanges in other posts (especially ones that talk about tt schools and other apparently hot button issues). I'm glad wine and death seem to be safe topics.
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thank you, I tried replying to your post, but my reply ended up down below (the one where I said I was hoping to get a response like that). I am very new to this site and posting, etc. so I still don't have it all figured out, but of course, as everyone now knows, it's late and I drink 2-3 glasses of wine every night so maybe that's why I can't reply in the right place.
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ita which is exactly why I'm feeling nervous and posted this. I've seen what kind of havoc alcohol can wreak. I don't know if I'm necessarily going down a certain path to alcoholism or if I'm using it as a temporary fix to get through a horrible time and will stop just as fast as I started. I know you can't do that with heroin, but really don't know about wine. It's been interesting hearing the different opinions.
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