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i need to get over an attraction. first, because i feel it isn't right and second, because the person to whom i'm attracted is not attracted to me and i find myself feeling hurt every time i see him and he is merely cordial to me. please help and thanks in advance.
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Then, keep thinking about what this will lead you to...divorce, hurting your DH and children, your children hating you to abandoning them for a man...that the man will be disgusted seeing your naked body (imagine his repulsion)...ridicules from other people when they find out how stupid you're...
[ Reply | More ]It it so completely pathetic too be pining over a married man who doesn't reciprocate. You need to get some help. It's bad enough if the feelings are mutual, but if they're not it just makes you sound like a loser.
[ Reply | More ]trust me, it makes me feel like a loser. i would never in a million years have an affair, even if this man were interested in me. it is just demoralizing having a crush on someone, like a dumb preteen. believe me i do not like feeling this way.
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just the blahs, i guess. i love my dh and he is a really wonderful person. he travels a lot and we are so enmeshed in family and obligations that being romantically involved with each other seems never to happen. i would be very unhappy, btw, if i knew that he had these type of feelings for another woman, so i want to stop it in myself. i am having a hard time feeling good about myself
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Jesus, why are people abusing you this way?? How horrible these responses are. Attraction is a natural, positive, human phenomenon, it is nothing to be ashamed of, and it is nothing to avoid. I am so sorry he is not attracted to you in return; that really hurts. Enjoy your attraction to him knowing that that is all it will ever be. Do not take any of this awful, damaging advice.
[ Reply | More ]thank you for not villifying me. i cannot, however, enjoy having feelings for someone who does not reciprocate. on top of that, i feel really awful for having feelings for anyone other than dh to begin with. thanks for being kind, though
[ Reply | More ]why can't you accept it, if you can't enjoy it? and why do you want HIM to be attracted to you? It's like you want to punish yourself just for living--you won't even give yourself the out that things you think or feel don't really affect anyone.
[ Reply | More ]i would be happier if i were not a attracted to someone i couldn't have, but i'd at least feel good knowing that he was attracted to me, too - not that i was just pining old bag
[ Reply | More ]But why do you have to beat yourself up about it? I mean, other human beings go through this. I certainly have and I don't think I'm an idiot or an old bag. If you slept with him, I could see you really having self-contempt, but you haven't done anything wrong. Also, these things come and go...in four months you'll probably be over it & laughing at yourself (hopefully in a kind way, not in a self-lacerating way.)
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You know what, once there was a woman who had a crush on my DH. She was objectively very unattractive (to the point of ugly) and was married to a man who went to college with my DH. It was unbelievable that she was gushing over my DH who almost puked when he heard about it. My DH shivered out of disgust when he had to face her even though he did his best to be civil.
[ Reply | More ]is this a true story or are you just trying to get me to see what i must look like to this other man? either way, thanks :-)
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why was your dh so repulsed? was the other woman acting foolishly? i do not behave inappropriately around this other man, nor do i intend to. i think that people professing their attraction to other people's spouses is . . . unseemly
[ Reply | More ]Are you implying I'm lying? You don't have to believe my story if it doesn't suit you. I said what happened to us. When someone has crush on someone, they can barely disguise it. She didn't make too much effort to hide it anyway.
[ Reply | More ]i wasn't implying anything - i was merely wondering why your dh had such a strong reaction to this woman. i am hoping to avoid the same thing happening to me.
[ Reply | More ]maybe because she was unattractive, she didn't know how to behave appropriately towards a man she "liked." in any event, i do think that your husband could have been kinder in his reaction to her. i almost get the impression that you two laugh about her, which is my worst fear - that this very nice man will wind up disparaging me.
[ Reply | More ]op - well if she was rude to you, then that changes everything. i'm sorry, but i feel she invited ridicule when she behaved publicly as if you were keeping her away from her man. silly woman and i do not wish to be perceived like that, which is why i am trying to get rid of these feelings
[ Reply | More ]You sound like a reasonable person. You have to think about why you have crush on someone who doesn't have the same feelings towards you. It also explains that your relationship with your DH is not great at the moment. But, you know what, things change in relationships. You could develop better intimacy with your DH later for whatever reasons, and maybe in 10 years, you could laugh at yourself how you could have been attracted to this man who would turn out to be just another mediocre person. Marriage is a long journey. Many things happen on the road, but don't forget who is your companion in this journey. It's your same old DH!
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I'm married and have an insane attraction to a married man who IS attracted to me too--believe me, it makes things a whole lot more complicated.
[ Reply | More ]op - really? i would think that that would make me feel better. i know i'd never cheat on my husband, but i cannot let go of wondering why the other man does not find me attractive. it's all weird and unsettling. . .
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i cannot believe that i am feeling this way. i think it's wrong and it makes me unhappy.
[ Reply | More ]Feelings are not wrong. You should know that and it should be something you teach your children.
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My thoughts exactly! What are you - in jr high? You must not feel very attractive yourself otherwise you would not care.
[ Reply | More ]who wouldn't care if someone was not attracted to them who they had a huge crush on?? Why is everything on this thread so cruel and insulting? (np)
[ Reply | More ]op - i think that these women are reacting to me as if it were their dh to whom i was attracted. i can't blame them; i'd be hostile to a woman i knew wanted my dh. having said that, i would never have an affair, even if the man was interested in me. i don't know what i'm hoping for from all this; i just want it to go away.
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Would you be sympathetic to a woman who is hoping to break up your marriage/family?
[ Reply | More ]you're making a huge leap between someone being attracted to someone and someone wanting to break up your family. That is ridiculous. You don't need to be so threatened.
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Is it that you need validation of some sort? Does this sound like a mid-life crisis? Like, you need to know you're still attractive...and want to do something before you get too old?...kind of afraid of getting old... Like, middle age man leaving his family for a young secretary and a red sport car?
[ Reply | More ]It sounds like mid-life crisis. There are much cheaper ways to deal with this than wracking your and hoping to wrack his marriage etc. As boring as it may sound, your DH must pay more attention to you so that you feel beautiful again and that you are glad to be getting old together with your comfy old pantoffles.
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yes, i think i am. i have one or two physical things that i am self conscious about, but on the whole, i am good looking.
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Even if she were all of those things, it would not necessarily make her attractive to someone who is in love with his wife and may not even think about such things anymore.
[ Reply | More ]yeah, right. You think that man (or woman) actually exists?? you're nuts and in denial. Loving your spouse does not mean you're not attracted to other people.
[ Reply | More ]What I'm trying to say is that he may very well find her attractive, but yet might not make that known to the rest of the world! I'm sure my husband finds other women attractive, but he doesn't make it obvious. What does she want him to do? Start salivating when she walks in the room? Send her e-mails telling her how cute she is? Pass notes in the hallway? What does she want?
[ Reply | More ]op - i do not know what i want from this man. what i want from myself is for these feelings to stop. i would never begin an affair, just so you know
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It may not be about him. It may be about you, something is going. Listen to yourself more carefully.
[ Reply | More ]I cannot tell you the answer. You don't even want an affair with him, but seem to think you suffer from your feelings for him. So, it's not even "this person" that you are fretting about. You have to think about what's going on with you now inside and out. He may be just a "distraction" for something that's going on inside you. YOU have to listen...to yourself...calmly and carefully... and hear what it says...
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I think you just need some attention. You're obviously not getting it from your husband, and you're not getting it from you're "crush", but at least you're now getting it from a bunch of bored people trolling on UB!
[ Reply | More ]I know how you feel. I was once attracted to man not my husband. I also would never cheat on dh, but the attraction did not make me feel very good. it will pass. That said, it almost sounds like your situation with this other man is a projection of your actual life. Does your dh make you feel attractive or like he is attracted to you. Maybe you are projecting your feelings from your marriage outwardly, because it's easier than facing reality. That could also be why you are so bothered by this man not reciprocating. Just a thought.
[ Reply | More ]i don't know - i guess i'm just feeling bored and insecure. the thought of a relationship or being in love with this man is not something that appeals to me. the thought of having sex with him or even just kissing or "making out" with him is what i daydream about. it's all pretty adolescent and i'd be embarrassed in any of my friends irl knew.
[ Reply | More ]I've had many crushes in my 10 year marriage to DH and 1. they all have passed and 2. I've never acted on them or obsessed over them except to acknowledge that I have a crush or to check myself if I keep thinking about them all the time. Just keep your mind and libido in check and this crush will pass.
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