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What would you do if you found out your DH (who has appeared to be a decent guy in the past) replied to a text message from a girl he just met at a bar. She said nice to meet you and he said "you are very sweet, im going to rack my brain to think of a friend of mine you can date." DH says it was innocent - just drunk and nothing to worry about. I have a 4 month old at home, pretty much take care of everything, including paying for most things as DH has a failing business. Am I being walked all over?!
74 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]Well my dh used to do dumb things like this, come to find out he had a drinking problem. Not that he would go out and drink a ot, but the rare times he did, he could not stop. He would get so drunk, he would get #s, flirt, start fights. Eventually he got help and it all stopped. I was ready to leave though. Do yo work? either case, you should be socking savings away, otherwise known as FU money, where you could at least afford security and couple months rent someplace. If you dont work, get a job, even part-time. Talk to dh CALMLY, tell im WHY this bothers you and how much (they usually have no clue what they are doiing is wrong, like a hs boy). If he is mature, he will apologize, delete the girls #, and not go out for a long while. If not, he will say you are over-reacting and nagging, and then I would think about leaving him.
[ Reply | Options ]Did he give her his number? If he did, not cool. Time for a talk. I don't give my phone numbers or email or IM address to any guy I met in a bar and my husband could be working my last nerve. I also don't buy the drunk excuse to justify bad behavior. I've been sh!t-faced, plastered and I have never flashed my t!ts, cursed a friend out, or given my phone number out to a bar flirt. I have thrown up on some really expensive shoes my husband told me not to buy in the first place. He's in a vulnerable place with a failing business and a new baby, but he needs to know you ain't some "new kind of fool" and he better get himself in check unless he wants to add failed husband and father to his list of failures.
[ Reply | Options ]If he does not have a drinking prob, then this is BS! You need to tell him WHY it is wrong, and he needs to prove he can be trusted. Right now, he can't. I wouldn't trust this guy if he went to the supermarket. Even if getting/giving #s /flirting is as far as it goes its still WRONG! Fine for single men, not fine for dhs!
[ Reply | Options ]When my husband's drinking started to seap into the homeplace so that I could notice it, it turned out that it was just the tip of a massive iceburg. He had a total secret life, and I've come to find out that he had a number of secret lives. We are currently in a really rough place and probably starting therapy. bottom line: TRUST YOUR GUT and DON'T DOUBT YOURSELF.
[ Reply | Options ]wait, he clearly told her he was married, and said he would try to think of some one of his friends for her. Is he not allowed to speak to single women at all? I don't get in the slightest what is inappropriate here.
[ Reply | Options ]what is wrong is he gave a stranger (who was a female) his number and vice-versa... its not right
[ Reply | Options ]why? I just don't get it. She said, hey you seem nice, do you have any friends for me to date? He said, let me think about it, I'm sure I do, but I can't think of any right now. He gives her his business card and says check in later and I bet I think of someone, and voila. If my DH got mad at me for doing something like that I would say he was a control freak with serious jealousy issues!
[ Reply | Options ]I don't buy this for a second. I was buck-wild single for a long time, I can spot game a mile away when I see it, even while married. I ain't never went up to no married man and said...hey, stud, if you have any single friends you can hook me up with, give me a call, alright. Puh-leeze. The woman was scheming and the husband was tempted. I don't exchange numbers with strange men in a bar, even if that man was Barack Obama, because I'm married. Plain and simple. And if a single girl goes after a married man, then you need slap-a-hoe.
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I'm with you. If it were my dh who really is a good guy whom I trust, I probably would be annoyed that he gave her his number, and I would totally think she was trying to scam him BUT, I would know that he's not falling into the trap and honestly is looking for a friend for her. OP's husband sent back a totally innocent text setting her straight. While I'd not be thrilled, I wouldn't be pissed at DH, more exasperated by his naivete. Then move on. Not all men are dogs.
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Get serious. What will you do-leave him? You have a 4-month old after all and it sounds like he is the SAHD. Do yourself a favor and don't read his text messages.
[ Reply | Options ]op: no, he is not SAHD. i have a nanny. and yes, if i thought it was not going to work out or this was going to continue, i would definitely leave him. i have my own money so that is not the issue. the issue is whether i'm over-reacting. i just can't be sure.
[ Reply | Options ]I would let him know he's on the sh!t-list and he better get his sh!t together to get off of it. Then I would squash it. The ball is in his court to get his act together and not to do it again. My husband is a rock musician and a champion innocent flirter, but when a woman wants to exchange numbers he politely says, not thank you and keeps it moving. Women actually get upset, like how dare you talk to me and not take my number? He's like did you missed the part about my wife and two kids?
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What would I do? Compliment him for sending a good message back that isn't leading her on, and scold him for giving out his number. The end.
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Honestly, I think it shows bad judgement, at the least. Since when does he worry about hooking some random woman in a bar up with one of his friends? He was flattered by her attention and the flirtation. Texting her back is not appropriate for a married man. It would be better if it was a friend of his, or someone related to a friend. He technically didn't do anything wrong but he is setting up a scenario for trouble. I don't think it is anything to leave him for- that is silly. But it is a huge red flag that I would watch very carefully.
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I can't believe how man of you take this no big deal approach about it. It is still flirting, and still an exchange of #'s...I bet the young woman is GORGEOUS also thats why her dh is so giddy. My dh knows better, if he went to a strip club i would leave him. You are married and you are using OUR money to PAY to see tits when you have em at home? not to mention they show tits in every godammed r-rated movie that you can see for FREE. There is nothing more pathetic. You need to stick it out until you can afford to leave, then do so. I suppose it would be fine for her to flirt with the gardener all day while he has his shirt off and then talk to him on the phone after hours and she can tell him how smooth his chest looked?
[ Reply | Options ]Wow. You sound like you are a blast. Sometimes you just need an outlet. Women like you can't accept the fact that men are testosterone driven. Sex is sex, love is love.
[ Reply | Options ]Just to be clear, this has nothing to do with money. Like I said earlier (might have gotten lost in all the posts), I don't rely on him for money. I have my own money and could leave without a financial hit.
[ Reply | Options ]But you're not actually saying you want to leave are you? Not based on this situation anyway... Are there other issues? Are there other reasons to doubt dh? You said that in the past he's been decent, if so, why not take this at face value, unless there are more recent events to make you doubt him. You know by asking this question on UB you are going to encounter a lot of women who've had pretty bad experiences that may have nothing to do with what went on with your husband that night.
[ Reply | Options ]thanks. i do understand people on this site are a little extreme. i just want to get some opinions from people who are not baised. friends say it was stupid, just ignore it. but he has not been that great of a husband for the past year and really i feel like this might kind of be the thing that pushes me over the edge. but i could just be a tired (emotional:) new mom.
[ Reply | Options ]Oh boy. Yeah, if this had happened at 4 month pp, I would have been sure it was a response to no sleep and the fact that I looked like hell. You are definitely more vulnerable at this stage. I still think your friends are a better judge than the powers here at UB who can be bitter. I'm sorry things have been hard in the past year, but now is not the time to make such a huge decision about your marriage. Deal with this thing as an individual thing and if he can usually be trusted, trust that nothing happened AND maybe keep an eye on him.
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That is a form of cheating wake up! Obviously he would never bring his wife, (god forbid) but its fine to be with other, beautiful, young, sexy women and flirt your ass off whilst drinking and coming home late? I would not trust him, certainly had time to sleep with her. I am a lot of fun, I stand up for what I believe in. Sex is Sex? So its fine if your dh cheats on you if he says he doesnt love the other woman, but if he does, THEN you will be upset? Actually this DOES have to do with what went on with her dh, he gave out his number, and contacted her the next day..WTF is wrong with you guys?
[ Reply | Options ]I really hate women like you who are brainwashed by men into thinking excessive flirting, exchanging #s, looking at porn, going to strip clubs, calling escorts for "fun", getting massages are all OK..because after all he is not 'cheating". hahahahaha suckers! They read articles in maxim on what to tell you and you eat it up!
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she contacted him the next day. you do not know that he slept with this woman. you weren't there. you also are not in their marriage. he could be eliot spitzer and I still would not tell a woman to leave her husband. Short of violence, it's really no one's place to decide who should leave whom in a relationship because we are not in it. relationships are complicated. and no, my dh has never cheated, given out his #,etc. I totally trust him and from that standpoint if i were dealing with OP's scenario I would trust him because I KNOW him. WE DO NOT KNOW OP's DH. Only she does, and I would hate to think we are adding flames to a fire that was never there in the first place.
[ Reply | Options ]I am not trying to add flames, but I think she should be open to other possibilities- it makes me sad to see when women don't SEE whats right in front of them. Maybe he is totall innocent, and did not mean anything wrong. but it was still WRONG to meet some chickey in a bar, give out his # and text her the next day. And I do believe sometimes you have to snoop a bit...you can trust your man SO much, but how many women say that? I trusted him so much, i believed him when he said xyz, and I can't believe he cheated on me - the point is you never know either way but he is displaying signs of a player personality.
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op -- he did the right thing...could she have been someone he met through business?
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Red flag. If you haven't said anything yet, why don't you wait a few days and continue to monitor his texts to see how this plays out. If it looks like something is starting, then confront. If not, when it's over, sit down with him and tell him how upset this makes you feel. It is probably more about him than you. Most men get their self worth from how they do professionally (moreso than women). He feels like a failure with his failing business, a pretty young girl strokes his ego and he feels better. Interestingly enough, most emotional and physical affairs have nothing to do with attractiveness of the affair.
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UrbanBaby Asks...
When I ride in a taxi cab with my DC I:
- Use a carseat
- Buckle him/her in his/her own seat
- Hold him/her on my lap
- I'd never ride in a taxi with my DC, it's much too dangerous!
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