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repost from last night...Ok, so I went from looking down on the type of women who stay with their cheating dh's to becoming one of them. It really sucks to be this person.
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I thought about leaving for months and months. I just don't think we could swing it financially and I am painfully afraid of being alone for the rest of my life.
[ Reply | Options ]np: poster below. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Are you both going to therapy? What is he doing about this?
[ Reply | Options ]we just started talking about going to therapy. For a while I didn't want to talk about anything, didn't want to forgive him, I just wanted to leave. Now that I am thinking of trying to work things out I think we have to seek help because I really cannot see how I can forgive and forget. I want to but as of right now, just can't. I think I would leave if I wasn't so scared to be alone.
[ Reply | Options ]please don't be too hard on yourself. This takes time to even start forgiving and let alone forgetting. I think if you both want to try then therapy is a good starting point. Maybe also take some individual sessions with the therapist. Trust is very hard for me and takes yrs to grow back (as with my dad). I can't imagine how long it would take with my own dh. Gl to you and let us know how things go
[ Reply | Options ]thanks, I really am trying, I just can't believe that I am in this situation. I honestly never ever thought I'd be here. I actually thought we were happy before this. It hit me like a truck, was completely blindsided.
[ Reply | Options ]I know what you mean. My dh didn't cheat but got caught in a lot of lies about his porn addiction. Last yr he also got caught sending his 98% naked pic to a so called old friend of his. I never thought that after the bullshit I went through with my dad ( I was the one that caught him cheating) and my own issue not being able to trust men for many many yrs, that my own dh that I trusted with all of my heart would put me through it. It's been a yr for me since the naked pic incident and I have to say my trust is not completely there yet. We are getting along better but It feels like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. It takes time and I promise with time it will be better. Will you be together? Not sure but YOU will heal with time..you are #1 and this is who you need to work on first and foremost. GL and I hope it works out
[ Reply | Options ]ughh, so sorry you had to go through something like that. Until something happens to you, it is really hard to comprehend how much it hurts. I feel like my heart actually hurts, real physical pain. Thanks for your words of encouragement. I am hoping that time helps me heal and that I never have to deal with this kind of thing ever again and I hope you never have to either!
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Are you working on the finacial part? Also why do you think you would be alone for the rest of your life? My mom had 3 kids and still found someone to marry her. They went on to have 3 more dc.
[ Reply | Options ]I am trying to save little by little, I opened another private bank account so I can eventually have something to fall back on if needed. It is difficult though because we really run tight every month. We have a nice lifestyle but not much extra money.
[ Reply | Options ]Have you thought about getting a job? Not just for money but also for breathing room and to find people who know you just for you? They could be a source of support if you do leave.
[ Reply | Options ]I have been thinking about that, in Sept when my little ones are in school I really am going to focus more on doing things for myself, building a life for myself outside. Maybe if I had more going on outside of the 4 of us, I would have had more confidence to stand on my own and leave.
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my mother always told me don't assume you know what you would do in this position if you aren't. I told her to leave my dad when he cheated and she stayed. 22yrs later I still think she should have left because she is making his life and hers miserable. She is still brining the affair up and throwing it in his face. I'm married for 12 yrs now and told her that SHE chose to forgive and stay and SHE shouldn't punish him every day of his life because it's not fair to anyone
[ Reply | Options ]That is true, I now understand though how hard it is to forgive. Right now he is kissing my ass and begging for forgiveness and another chance. I can see how I could take advantage of this and make him feel like shit for years and years about it but I know that isn't healthy either.
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like 'sex in the city' they agree to meet on the brooklyn bridge if they can put is ALL behind them
[ Reply | Options ]so funny that you mention that, my close friends and I all saw the movie together and it was about a month after I found out about my dh. they took me out for the night to cheer me up and then we all wound up sobbing out loud during the bridge scene.
[ Reply | Options ]i feel for you, it sounds difficult... but if you look at it as one small bit of time in an entire life, with many other joys to come, then maybe it can be viewed in a different perspective
[ Reply | Options ]I am trying to do that, and I know that I will not feel this pain forever. I am just having trouble with the fact that I don't know if I want to forgive and forget. I really just want to walk away and can't. I cannot imagine a time when I can look at him and not see him and her, just him again. I can't get the visions of the two of them out of my head.
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yes it isn't healthy and also pushes your family away. I know when I'm visiting them and she starts with him, I pack my kids up and leave. I lived through his affair when I was 18yr old and I don't need to relive it every time I visit them. I see on his face how her comments make him feel and I can't imagine getting punished every day for something you did 22 yrs ago. My parents never went to counseling and I think they should have. Maybe the therapy would have shown them if they should stay or separate. GL and I hope things work out for you
[ Reply | Options ]Plus the ass kissing won't last. In a while he will wonder why you aren't "over it" and he will get impatient and then angry. Thats just how it goes.
[ Reply | Options ]exactly, and that's what I am worried about, that he is being so nice now and feels so awful but when that fades, will he do it again. I cannot imagine going through this again.
[ Reply | Options ]That is very valid. Do you think "once a cheater always a cheater?" or that he is teachable?
[ Reply | Options ]I always thought "once a cheater..." and that is why I am having so much trouble with forgiving him. If he could do this to us now, why wouldn't he again? He swears that he is so sick about it all that he would never ever do it again, never risk losing us again, but all I hear when he talks is blah blah blah,,,doesn't seem real. If he was so worried, why didn't that stop him before he got caught?
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it was sort of relationship'ish, they were texting a lot and work together. He said it was just "innocent" flirting for a while and then they crossed the line and now he is so sorry. Funny how he could use the word innocent...
[ Reply | Options ]why dont you hook up with someone to get it out of your head - it will make you feel 100% better and alive again
[ Reply | Options ]that is what my friends say too but I am 15lbs overweight and not feeling very confident lately. He killed my self asteem by doing this. He was with a 22 year old, now I look at my body and compare it to that. I try not to but can't help it. At least this is inspiring me to lose weight and work out. Not for him but for myself.
[ Reply | Options ]DH: well, sorry , just trying to cheer you up and make you realize that there is someone out there for you! my wife hung up on her body sometimes and it prevents her from having a good time - I wish we were all blind! it feels just as good whether she is 10 poounds heavy or 10 pounds lighter, just love yourself and enjoy the time you have - you never know when the game is over
[ Reply | Options ]thanks, and you are right, we get hung up on stuff that shouldn't be that important. I too wish we were blind to it. Our society is so hung up on looks. It is hard though when the person you are with goes for someone so young and toned. Ugh, I am 40 and have 2 kids. I'm not fat but certainly jiggley and it is really hard now that he has gone to that for me to look at my body and feel confident.
[ Reply | Options ]DH: before i got remarried couple of years ago, i went thru this phase where i only wanted skinny chicks, guess what - they are boring! 22 might seem good to him right now, but if you know how to keep your sense of humor and intelligence you can destroy her - the most fun woman have a bit of a belly because they know how to have fun!
[ Reply | Options ]thanks, and I actually agree, this girl has no personality whatsoever, I know her and she is dreadfully boring. He even said that to me, that he has no idea why he did it and saw that being with someone else isn't worth it. But to me, that's even worse, that he through away what we had for someone like that is so awful.
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Both my parents cheated on each other when they were in their 30's. They worked it out and are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary next year. I think the guilt kept them together--both of them felt that the other cheated because they were driven to it (my Dad said that my Mom cheated b/c he was distant and working too much and my Mom felt that my Dad did it as retaliation.)
[ Reply | Options ]i went from looking down on cheating and staying in a marriage, to becoming someone who is cheating on her dh
[ Reply | Options ]wow, and do you worry what will happen if he finds out? do you think about him at all when with the other guy? not being snarky, just really curious
[ Reply | Options ]i always thought that if you weren't happy: leave. but it really isn't as easy as it sounds for many reasons. with that said, we've been having a lot of difficulty for the past few years. have talked openly about divorce. i have been a sahm and am not in the position to support myself and when this fell into my lap i just decided to do it. if he does find out, we'll probably just move forward with the divorce. it was inevitable anyway
[ Reply | Options ]I understand what you mean that it isn't that easy to leave. I really did think about nothing else for months. It is not easy when you are not wealthy. We really wouldn't be able to swing it living in 2 seperate places. My kids would suffer the consequences of the struggle and I don't want that.
[ Reply | Options ]that's exactly where we're at financially. i figure, things were crappy before my affair - but now i am happy and having fun. so, i guess i am justifying my actions in that sense. it's funny how you can have morals and beliefs in your life, but something can change them and you don't know it until you are there.
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I am so sorry for your pain. Please realize though - once a cheater, always a cheater. Cheating isn't about the person he cheated with, it's him saying he doesn't respect your marriage. Once that's on the table, there is no going back...
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OP here and sadly I agree with this. I don't things can ever be the same. I feel that once someone has a total disregard for you to be able to do something like this it speaks volumes about their character. If he could do it once, why wouldn't he do it again? I am trying to tell myself he won't but deep down I don't thinkI will ever really believe it.
[ Reply | Options ]OR - I totally agree with you. Not sure why the person above is so angry, probably was a cheater...I think people have different standards and while I have every confidence that people can change in life, I don't think a marriage can ever recover from the disrespect and demoralization that the relationship endures during infidelity.
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np: (and a dh) I was cheated on many years ago. Forgiving is the easy part. Forgetting is what is difficult.
[ Reply | Options ]I totally agree with the DH who posted. I haven't experienced the same thing, but my DH and I have our own issues, so I understand the position you're in. When I started freaking out abt $, being on my own, etc, I tried concentrating on myself for awhile. 6 months later I have a great job, am more in shape, and can remember what a great person I am with or without DH. Oh, and also a great therapist to thank for it! Get the book "Feeling Good" imo
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