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Help! I was given a promotion that was supposed to have a 3 month training period at our main office (1.5 hour drive from home, not near a decent hospital), then told boss I was pg shoirtly after I accepted the promotion. That was in March, he is still unconvinced I am "trained." The more I try to work from my local office, the more he thinks I am "resisting supervision" and that I "lack humility." I probably do have a bad attitude, I think his remarks are often sexist and he is very condescending. If I try to show competency to stop the commute madness, he takes it as demanding unearned respect. I wouldn't have taken the promotion if I had known this. I am now 6 mo pg, and one of our remote offices I have to drive to most doesn't even have a hospital, its about an hour to Portland, but I live on the coast, so if there were problems or I went into labor, I'd make it to Portland probably but DH would be 2 hours away!! WTF do I do!!!!! I have no $ for all this gas cost either.
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OP: nonprofit housing development, grant writing, community organizing. I have a masters is in Public Admin, really need to find a new job, but few prospects on the coast and we own a house that would be stupid to sell right now. Also, thought of interviewing pg scares me- seems like it would be a disaster.
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First, be careful how you react and respond -- and think through what he is saying, not how he is saying it. The actual nuts and bolts of his "critique." If you do get a sense that this is pregnancy discrimination, you need to say that asap to him, and to HR. That will freeze whatever negative actions they're trying to take. (At that point it would be retribution, which is a bigger no no.) Just take some deep breaths and calmly state what your needs are for the rest of your pregnancy in terms of location/gas $$, "in case of" contigencies. He has a right to expect you to do your job, but you have a right to have a few accommodations made for your temporary condition.
[ Reply | Options ]Its gotten worse. He sent me a nasty email at 5:30pm very nasty about how I had sent the environmental review for the grant we are working on directly to the state rep, saying I should have gone through the guy thats "supervising" me (although technically we are coworkers on the same level). But at the meeting I had with the "supervisor" and the state guy they detrmined I was supposed to send it to him via email. Boss says it was ride and unproffessional for me to send it via email, and its the reason our funds are delayed. This guy is crazy. Meeting Friday. Guaranteed I will cry, hormones not helping
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Aie, sounds like he is really upsetting you & that is not good for the baby. Are you going to take a maternity leave? Can you not just sail through the next 3 months breathing deeply & saying soooo soon this will be over. Honestly, don't worry about being right near a hospital, the chances of your needing to go to an emergency room in the next couple of months are the lowest at any point in the pregnancy. At this point you just need to cook the baby a little longer but he/she is basically developed & if you haven't had any complications by now you prob won't.
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OP again: Oh, and we don't have an HR dept! Boss is deputy dir, and the executive dir is kind of in his own world, I'd have to go to the exec. dir. who is in this guys pocket or to the board of directors, one of whom is a state senator! My dr said she could write me a note to avoid a commute if needed, but I thought that issue was winding down, so told her not needed. At what point should I get the note? No health problems yet (just stress, lol). Does he have to honor the dr note by law?
[ Reply | Options ]I posted above to relax about hospitalization but if the doctor is willing to say commute is dangerous & it will get you out of this miserable situation I would go for it in a heartbeat. Present it as a fait acommplie - say "so sorry, I had hoped it wouldn't come to this but my doctor says this commute is not medically feasible"
[ Reply | Options ]OP: Boss will be so angry though if I give the dr. note, so what legally can he do/ what are my protections? I just want to make it through with the most $ (which means the least commuting) because we are so out of $ right now and owed taxes last year (we are in debt), maternity leave not paid (we will soon be more in debt), and then I will try to have a new job lined up for after leave
[ Reply | Options ]...and of course the situation gets really crazy once my due date approaches. Going into labor far away in a little town only accessible by crap mountain roads that was flooded recently not in the proverbial birthing plan!
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OK, thanks everyone. I'll be nice as pie, do whatever he wants even if he's a jerk, take notes and call legal aid. Then I'll get a doctors note and give it to him as nice and convincingly fait acommpli as I can muster. Then I'll get a better job hopefully on time so I don't have to work for him after maternity leave. And maybe I'll get some $ from a lawsuit, but lets not count on that. And its true, he obviously hates me, so I guess no need to not do reasonable requests that will make him hate me more.
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OP: boss said I would be trained for 2-3 months, then wouldn't have to commute because I'd be trained (figured I'd not worry about the gas because it was temporary). There is no official training, just hanging around wasting time sitting in on some meetings here and there with no assignments. New position offered March 14th, so its been 4 months. No benchmarks to show I'm "trained" exist. Haven't really learned anything new in this time. I did some moonlighting without bosses knowledge before the promotion, so some of the stuff I've already done for other ppl with success, but my boss is unconvinced I am competent and is micromanaging and not giving me projects (but then why did he promote me?). He gave me some "ways he would measure how the training was going" but it had stuff like "I will need to be sure that you understand the importance of adverse events. We are entrepreneurial...I cannot give you increased authority until I see buy-in from you on this essential point" and "being too assertive is very destructive" but there is nothing about what I should learn, more be humble and meek and say nothing. And how do you show you have buy-in to an idea if you have already said you agreed and he doesn't seem to believe you agree?
[ Reply | Options ]... "ways he would measure the training" but it was stuff like "being too assertive is very destructive, show more humility and willingness to learn" and "I will also need to be sure that you understand the importance of adverse events. We are entrepreneurial...I cannot give you increased authority until I see buy-in from you on this essential point." But I already said I agree with him on this point (repeatedly, every time it comes up) so I don't know what else he wants from me.
[ Reply | Options ]Listen to him reflexively. Everything he says, translate it back to him for confirmation. When you do that, do it in concrete and measurable words/sentences. Then email him your follow up or at least make notes of same. Then you can document, for him and for yourself, how well you are meeting the goals HE laid out for you. (That is what I would do.)
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With that attitude, yeah. Or you could try and learn something over those three months.
[ Reply | Options ]That would seem true to a point, but boss wants me to "learn" to agree with him on a certain shady land deal that I think is immoral (he claims I only know the old way of accounting, and this is a new, perfectly valid way, although I am too young to know any "old" ways!)... it involves labeling funds dishonestly to make the deal work in the organizations favor and against a certain small city and the people that city is trying to help (that may be too much, but I'm the youngest person involved and certainly the only female, so really doubt anyone is on UB!)
[ Reply | Options ]I think "understand risk" is code for "agree to pad the deal without labeling the funds as a contingency so they don't notice" and "listen and be humble" is code for "don't make waves and show the other ppl that the deal is wacky." I think I'll call in sick the day of the mtg to avoid putting my name on it and to avoid having to disagree with boss.
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Why has no one mentioned the genders? Seems like a lot of dh are more likely to act like this to a son than a DD. Is he trying to teach ds not to cry? This would be a different issue altogether. My dh I have only seen cry once (in 5 years), which I think is weird and I'm kind of glad we are having a DD because I would worry he'd try to teach a ds to be too unemotional. On the other hand, I wish I could control my emotions better.
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UrbanBaby Asks...
When I ride in a taxi cab with my DC I:
- Use a carseat
- Buckle him/her in his/her own seat
- Hold him/her on my lap
- I'd never ride in a taxi with my DC, it's much too dangerous!
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