new post »
see more posts »
My husband is always lying to me. He claims he is "working" or looking for jobs in a cafe, but is in fact smoking pot with a friend. He had promised to quite smoking when we were engaged - this was very important to me as he was (and still is) depressed and unemployed and I think that all three issues are related to each other. I have become a detective and am always suspicious when he is not in the apartment - I know this is ridiculous and that marriage without trust is a losing battle. However, we have two kids, so it is not so easy to just leave him. I keep thinking that once he gets a job things will get better, but he has been unemployed for years and am beginning to think that he is not "employable" and/or not seriously sending out resumes. We went to a couples therapist for years (but not anymore) and now he goes to an individual therapist - however, I don't think he tells her the truth about the lies, his pot habit and the effects on the marriage. Any advice? I am at my wits end!
57 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]-
I feel like I will be ruining my kids' lives. He's actually a great dad. I also adore his parents and I'm scared that divorce will devastate them as well as my parents.
[ Reply | Options ]it sounds like having a loser father who lies to their mother will also ruin their lives. Have you considered having his parents help intervene with you???
[ Reply | Options ]I actually did tell them about the lies and the pot in March. He claimed he was devastated and humiliated and would never do it again. I then found out in June that he was out smoking with a friend - he claims it was only that night, but who the hell knows what he does during the day!? I was more shocked that telling his parents did nothing to change the behavior - either he is a compulsive liar or an addict (or both). BTW, he seems really normal on the outside, just very anxious and depressed on the inside. He claims that nothing is more important than his family, but his behavior just doesn't fit that vow.
[ Reply | Options ]You need to sit down with dh, his parents and your parents and talk it all through. If dh cannot get a job (what is his field? can he get a crappy job just to be occupied and make $?)
[ Reply | Options ]He does temp jobs, but this just makes him more depressed. I do believe that a permanent job w/benefits would help his self-esteem, but this has been going on for years and I am losing hope! I agree about sitting down with his parents, but they live in Michigan, so we would really have to plan it. We are going to see them at the end of the month, but the whole family will be there, so an intervention will be difficult.
[ Reply | Options ]
Your husband is an addict and he needs help. Addiction is an illness, and cannot be treated by kicking him in the ass, or shaming him with his parents, or having a heart to heart talk. What he needs is rehab and therapy. What you need is to stop enabling. Cut off the money, stop making excuses with the nanny or anyone else, and get yourself mentally prepared for some tough love -- its ultimatum time, he gets treatment or gets out. If he won't face his problems, then you've got to let him go. He can still be a good father without being a terrible husband to you. You may think this is cruel but addiction escalates and he is not going to get better without help. I've BTDT and speak from experience. GL to you, my thoughs are with you.
[ Reply | Options ]
Why not try to work on the depression for the next 6 months and leave the smoking alone for that period? Sounds like therapy could do some good and reenergize him to look for work, which would (likely) improve his self esteem and fill his time. If you approach this from a position of needing him to be honest and wanting him to be happy because you love him, it seems he would be less likely to feel defensive and humiliated.
[ Reply | Options ]I agree with your point re the right approach. However, he has been in therapy for YEARS for depression/anxiety. I am beginning to feel like a fool because this cycle just keeps repeating itself. I am tempted to move to another city with the hope that this will change circumstances, but that would require both of us getting new jobs. There does not seem to be an easy solution and frankly, I am getting sick of being the "fixer".
[ Reply | Options ]Have you tried going to Alon? I think that it would really help you to gain strength to no longer enable the situation. They have groups that specifically deal with spouse issues.
[ Reply | Options ]OR: then it sounds like he might need an ultimatum. You can't live with the dishonesty and bad example for the kids, so he needs to move out - and you change the locks - (or you do, w/ the kids) for 6 months.
[ Reply | Options ]What do I tell the nanny if I change locks and he is no longer there? She is friends with all my friends' nannies. Very humiliating!
[ Reply | Options ]-
I know that things aren't going to change without a dramatic step. It's just sooo hard to implement this from a practical point - he will be banging on door, the doorman will all find out, the kids are going to be impacted by the scene - all of it is so draining. Usually I am so proactive and good at coming up with solutions, but this situation has me completely confused. Everything is so much more complicated with kids!
[ Reply | Options ]
-
-
Friend is pothead and has stash (though in the past my husband has gone so far as to have a dealer deliver it - now he has not money so has to rely on friend). For cafes, I give him ten or twenty dollar bills every few days - believe me, I am tempted to have him scramble for quarters... I also want him out of the house so that he isn't home with the nanny and kids. Often he comes home for naps, which I'm sure my nanny thinks is really weird. I make up stories about how got no sleep the night before or is not feeling well so that she doesn't think we are dysfunctional (though I'm sure she does).
[ Reply | Options ]Your husband is a pot addict. I think that the sooner you come to terms with this and treat him like an addict instead of making excuses for him and enabling him, the sooner you will make peace with the situation and figure out what to do next.
[ Reply | Options ]I KNOW! I even made him go to a Marijuana's Anonymous meeting. He went once and said he didn't need it. Aside from changing locks and not giving money (I don't give more than a $10/day), what else can I do if the person doesn't acknowledge issue?? I told his parents - the only next step would be to get a separation and perhaps, divorce.
[ Reply | Options ]
OR: Your husband has no job, produces nothing, and you pay someone else to care for your children? Wow. My dw and I have different shifts. If I get home early and the babysitter is there. I send her home so I can spend time with my kids. Your man needs a kick to the nutsack. You need to get tough with him. Give him to-do lists. If he can't pull his weight, cut him loose.
[ Reply | Options ]He does spend a lot of time with the kids in the evenings - I usually have to work late. Or I am going to social engagements (which I usually regret because he later uses this as an excuse for meeting his pothead friends). In all fairness, he is a good father and has a good relationship with kids. He had volunteered to be the "nanny", but I said no because I knew it would affect his self-esteem long term and would result in him being truly unemployable. His earning potential is high(assuming he gets a job!).
[ Reply | Options ]Op, I feel sorry for you, but you desperately need therapy or al-anon. He is playing you, and you are contributing to the problem. At this point, you are a classic enabler. You keep talking about him needing therapy and MA, but really you need it too, because you're obviously not handling this the way you should.
[ Reply | Options ]
-
-
He doesn't watch the show. His habit precedes it by years. Again, he was depressed, so the pot, depression and unemployment all feed off of each other. He is a good person, just struggling with a lot of self-esteem issues. The question is, should I just give up and leave, wait to see if things change with a job or focus on the pot addiction. Not sure which issue impacts what!?!? I do appreciate all of your advice. This is not the kind of thing I would tell my friends - too embarassing/crazy to even admit!
[ Reply | Options ]I was making a joke. Your dh needs NarcAnon and a better therapist, and you need marriage counseling and probably your own therapist
[ Reply | Options ]Okay, now I am depressed! Thanks though for your advice - I'll call our former therapist to see her individually. Honestly, never would have foreseen I would be in this situation. My parents are straight as an arrow and have a great honest relationship. I just assumed I would have the same.
[ Reply | Options ]-
That's what I have been saying for years. OR, does your DW know you post on Urban Baby?!? Good to get a guy's opinion!
[ Reply | Options ]this sub thread, from "Hmmm..." down was not me. It was interesting and thoughtful, so I'd love to take credit but it was not mine. -OR (ps- I would add, you should ask your former therapist for a recommendation (if you liked him/er but I say don't make your couple therapist your individual therapist. It has several potential negative long term effects.
[ Reply | Options ]
-
what is he trained to do? why do you say that he has high earning potential? when was the last time he held a f/t job? what did he earn at that job?
[ Reply | Options ]WHOA. I think you're getting some bad advice here- the fact that your husband does not have a job does not make him a "loser" from whom you should run as fast as you can. No one would ever advise a man to leave his wife bc she doesn't work. Now, the lying and the depression and the pot smoking are different issues. Have you tried therapy? for him and/or for you both as a couple. sounds like he's really depressed and needs help. fwiw, I can't tell you if he's an addict or not, but addicts lie constantly- about everything to everyone. GL.
[ Reply | Options ]We were in couple's therapy for four years. Finally left b/c I had my second DC and had no time (or $) - frankly, I loved the therapist, but I don't think it changed anything. He goes to his own therapist now for depression. Apparently he loves her but I doubt he tells her the whole truth. He
[ Reply | Options ]
-
Boards Help
Abbreviations
More Boards Help
Site Feedback Thank you for your feedback about the new site. We are paying close attention to your comments and we will incorporate them as we make improvements to the site. Please continue to report problems and offer feedback on the Site Feedback Board and visit our Site Talk blog for answers to some of your questions and updates on specific issues.
More Boards Help
Site Feedback Thank you for your feedback about the new site. We are paying close attention to your comments and we will incorporate them as we make improvements to the site. Please continue to report problems and offer feedback on the Site Feedback Board and visit our Site Talk blog for answers to some of your questions and updates on specific issues.
Flashback
