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I had an affair with a married man and he treated me badly. So I looked at his email account and found that he had been sending the same fantasies to me as he had been sending to his DW. If you were his DW would you want to know?
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07.03.08, 11:25 AM
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yes, but not from you!
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I can't think of a way to do it anonymously
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I would want to know he cheated on me. I hate when people say that the wife wouldn't want to know.
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Just like they shouldn't, you should not speak for all wives.
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He treated you badly she didn't just remember that. Don't tell her just to punish her husband.
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He says she told him to have an affair. If she was in on the way he treated me, why shouldn't she know that she has been conned too
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np: and you believe him that his wife gave him permission to screw someone else? I have a bridge to sell you
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She had lovers of her own
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Then she won't care. Just put it down to experience and move on. You might make a fool of yourself and there is no way of you coming out well of this unless you just walk away.
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If there is a possibility that she knows already, leave it alone. She doesn't care at all how you were treated. Even if you told about the affair, you should not go into those details. You're making this about you, not her. You should have known that someone who would cheat isn't going to be a nice person to date.
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He is a cheater he cannot be trusted. Of course he would tell you that. If she told him to have an affair she probably wouldn't be interested in your revelations.
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you get what you deserve. Do you really think a man who treats his wife like he does (ex..having a mistress) doens't have issues? he does..so do you for thinking so little of yourself and not thinking you deserve more in life than someone elses dh
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I know how stupid this sounds, but I really fell for him. I thought he was my ideal man.
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But he was his wifes ideal man first
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then you're naive and now you know better.
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Are you married too?
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If the only way I was going to find out that dh was cheating on me was from his lover, I would want to know. This can't be about revenge though, and you absolutely cannot give details like going into his email.
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I would not want to know like that
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don't do that. what you did was wrong and now your hurt. leave his wife alone.
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He was my supervisor at work. He said he told his wife about us and she questioned his common sense about being involved with someone junior.
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what does this have to do with anything?
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and your point is???
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Because the implication is that they are just these fine folks and I am some piece of trash
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she's his wife. get over it.
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Fine or not, you did something shitty, I'm sure you know it, and now you want to lash out. Try to be better than that. Be the person you should be.
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None of us think that they are fine, they obviously have serious issues, but it is just as obvious that you do too.
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How about: you and her DH are obviously trash, she might be (depending on whether he is telling the truth). Feel better?
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I don't think that you really care about the wife at all, you are hurt and want to make him hurt.
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Hang on. It takes two to tango. He was there too
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It was like they were both playing a game with me
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you need therapy. She was not a part of this relationship.
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They were and now it's over - walk away and try to hang on to what is left of your dignity.
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Duh it takes two to tango, but this post is about her and her hurt, no one else. When most of us have sh*tty bf, we have no one to complain to, she wants to go complain to his wife about how he treated her! That's messed up.
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I didn't expalin this very well. I think she was in on it from the start, behind the scenes.
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so she deserves to suffer too? you are one mesed up chick. sorry.
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Some of the things he said to me, sounded like only a woman could have thought of them It's like she told him to say them to me.
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please get therapy.
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Why on earth do you need to confront her than? At the start you were asking if she should know, and now you're saying she already does and you blame her for her DH being a jerk. I think that you're either being paranoid or foolish, because either way, it shouldn't matter to you.
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No that she should know about the affair, because I think she did. But that she should know he was sending the same fantasies to both of us.
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Why do you think she's going to care? The fantasies are not the issue.
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How old are you?
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and that suprises you? that he has a fantasy and that he is sharing it with the women in his life? #1 how old are you, and #2 you need therapy because you sound obsessed, and #3 this is what you got yourself into - when you want to play with the big boys, then you have to be a big boy.
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Oh My God. Are you 19 years old ? The most disturbing thing to you is the idea of the fantasies ?! Your focus is truly NOT where it should be...
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Yes and he is the one who is married and has responsibilty to his wife.
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walk away from it. start over. lose the anger. you will only hurt yourself and others.
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ITA. She had an affair with a married man and made a big-girl decision. She needs to be a big-girl about the end of the affair too.
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especially since she worked or still works with the guy, this can only hurt her.
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I'm still a bit confused as to whether or not her anger is about the fact that he sent his fantasies to his wife and they should have been special fantasies only for her, or is the anger about something else ?!
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You are right. I know you think I should suck it up. But he was real nasty. He told me he thought I would be better in bed than I was. It was pretty humblating.
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he's a scum bag - he was looking for fun and that was it. get past it. acknowledge that you made a bad choice to get involved with him, regardless of whether he treated you badly or if his wife was in on it. It was your bad choice. And, then, go on with your life. I'm sure you're young and attractive. Forget about him. He was toxic and you should be happy that you are not married to this man.
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I'm sure you;re great in bed and you made a choice to get involved with an ass. We've all done something we regret. Now be better than him - be who your mom wants you to be - and walk past him looking fab with an air of "Fuck you loser". His poor wife has enough to deal with already I would guess
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Get over it and go get therapy. If he was nasty you should have walked out. He does sound like a creap, but you should have known better, and if you didn't then you need help from a professional on setting boundaries and working on your self esteem. Us UBers are completely happy to rip the nasty guys a new one, but you sound a bit unbalanced, or very very young.
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I was the one who ended it after he said that. But I still really mad, and I still think about it a lot.
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maybe you should try talking to someone about it. therapy - I think it would be helpful.
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But what do you think that you will gain from telling the wife about the fantasies?
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I don't know. I think I just want them to know that it was not right to walk all over me like that. I have seen them walk over other people too. His wife got fired for fiddling her expenses. They think they can get away with anything.
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And they are going to get away with this. Honestly, if you're right, they are going to laugh in your face. How do you propose to "punish" them?
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I could tell her new boss she got fired for fiddlig her expenses.
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But I don't want to do that.
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Does her DH still work with you?
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He's leaving.
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you have nothing to gain if you do anything. Telling her new boss is crazy. You are just setting yourself up for more humiliation, and I don't understand why you would want to do that.
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Because it was so awful. He told me that he wanted to be my friend. He told me that he thought that I was beautiful. And then he just turned on me like that.
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but you will gain nothing! I'm sorry, but you have a problem if you can't let this go, which means you need to see a therapist.
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Maybe. I just thought it might make me feel better. I also thought of calling his daughter and telling her because she is my age. But I won't. I know it's no good, but I just think about ways to get back at them all the time.
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call a therapist now. This isn't normal, and you don't have to be this consumed by it.
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oh my! i think it is a little late for you to be on the wife's side...
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I'm not. I just don't understand why they did this
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He didn't have to deceive me like that and pretend to my freind.
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np: SHE did nothing to you.
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op is a bit nutty...
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Yeah, just a teensy bit crazy.
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That's not fair. I'm just very upset, and trying to figure a way out to help myself out of a bad situation by telling my anger a little in a place where nobody knows me, rather than talking to my family or co-workers or people who would know the couple that I am speaking of, and having the whole thing get out of control. I though that's what these online places were for. I don't think I am any more 'nutty' than all the ladies that spend all their time talking about how people who are going to send their kids to this school, or that school, are any better or worse than anybody else.
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yes, but it is obvious that you have serious issues that you keep trying to make about them.
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You seem to think there is some plot against you. The truth is painful but simple: you were used for sex by a man who isn't a nice guy, and it's your own fault because you should know better than getting involved with a married man. It's over now, you've learned from it, spend your energy finding a great guy.
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ahhhh but she hasn't learned from it and is obsessed with making them know that they messed her up.
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I'm assuming she was vulnerable or messed up already. Men like this search out women like her.
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So, maybe I can try to see the funny side. He told me all that stuff so he could have sex with me and then he thougt the sex was bad. I know you are right. I need to get over it.
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You showed him! :) Seriously, he says this to victimize you, to further degrade you. He's a liar - about his wife, about himself, and about you too. You aren't who he says you are.
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Any guy who tells you after having sex with you that the "sex was bad" is a creep. No matter what the sex was like - good, bad, or indifferent.
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do you think perhaps your guilt is manifesting itself as anger and resentment?
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I don't think what you're saying is nutty OP. I think you went through something that you feel very hurt about. We all make mistakes. I think you will find someone better and can hopefully learn from this bad experience. I don't think you should contact his wife. I would just try to forget about the two of them. Best Wishes.
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I hope these people keep the bunny indoors 'cause she's a nut case !
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the more she writes and explains, the more psycho she becomes !
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I think you are being very judgemental about my situation.
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you slept with a married man!!!! there is no other way to be other than judgemental!
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He told me he was allowed to have an affair. Like I said in the other topic, maybe I was a bit stupid to belive it. But I did not think that I was doing anything against his vows because he said his wife said it was OK.
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instead of reading and rereading what we think about the sad situation that you find yourself in, go out and meet a healthy single guy. Your behavior was wrong, but everyone makes mistakes. Your rationale for wanting to call his wife is immature, and slightly crazy.
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what would he say? i mean rationally, you have to know this is wrong? my husband cheated on me and i confronted the woman-i think she got off on knowing he was "spoken for", maybe you need to be honest with yourself in order to get over this...
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I am sorry that happened to you. I thought that it was OK. I actually felt lucky because I had a chance to spend some time with what I thought was my ideal man. I knw I have been dumb about this.
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you sound like a good person, present situation withstanding, just try and forget about him and move on. if the wife is agreeable, like you say, then they are made for each other. if he is a scheming, manipulative bastard, he will get his...
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for the future, anyone who says that their wife don't mind them sleeping around is bad news. No one in a happy healthy relationship would do that, so he's either lying or he's so intolerable that the dw doesn't want to sleep with him anymore.
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I never thought about it like that.
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yes. because it is pathetic and sad to read about a woman devaluing herself to such a level.
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Well, I will take away some value from the fact that I called it off after he was so nasty. And I agree that being mad at his wife is being mad at the wrong person.
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Great. Now all you can do is make changes within so as not to fall victim to this type of thing in the future.
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I'm glad that you're figuring this all out. I hope that you're able to move on soon and find a nice single guy.
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Thanks
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OP - some of these people are obviously very threatened by your post, maybe because they are worried about what their own husbands do. I don't think you did anything wrong, other than getting involved with the wrong man, and many women have done that. You did not take any marital vows, and for all anyone knows, you could be a woman who does not believe it marriage, so I don't see where what you did was wrong.
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OP - I have a suggestion. If you go to the website www.ivillage.com, and click on the section called "Love" -- under this heading there is another heading called, "Relationship Problems" and then under "Relationship Problems" there is something called "My Affair Support". This section is for people who have had affairs, and who want to talk to others who have also had affairs without being judged.
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He is calling me this morning. He has called me twice -- when I saw the number I knew who it was and did not answer. What could he want with me now? I hate this. I hate that I am being tested in this way.
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tested ? It's not so hard to pass this one. Get some self-esteem and behave accordingly
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You are lucky that you are so strong
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You could have benefitted from an eductaion at a women's college.
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I never went to college. My dad does not believe in it. A women's college sounds like it would be great. Are there really no men there? not even teachers?
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now I know you're joking. Have a good day.
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No, I am not joking. I was just asking.
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Why is he calling if he said "the sex was bad"? I wouldn't want to have anything to do with a man who said that to me, everything else aside. It wouldn't even be a "test" for me to not answer his calls. Seriously, this one thing, in one itself, should be enough for you to get away from this loser.
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I think he is just playing with me a little. Maybe he know he has power over me and he likes that. I don't know. And it tests me because there is a part of me that wishes it had turned out ina different way. And I keep thinking that maybe if I start back up with him the next time will be different. I know it won't (and there are planty of people on here who will tell me so :)) but it's just hard sometimes.
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op; i also once hada dream that he had a party in his house. the driveway was just like a grand driveway in a hotel. There was a weird cloakroom with a window looking on the driveway, and I hid in the cloakroom and watched the cars come and go for the whole time. I looked it up on dreammoods.com and it said if you dream of a prty you need to go out more. They got that right.
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07.06.08, 09:35 AM
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