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  • [-]Off the "DIVORCE" post what is the worst divorce you have ever heard? Me: childhood sweethearts, DH takes off with make BFF, yes he was gay.

    19 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]
    11.20.09, 01:31 PM [ Flag ]
    • Friends parents divorced after 25 or 30 years of marriage. The day after the divorce was final the father married the mother's bf. Literally the very next day. The mother had no idea they were involved until that day.

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      11.20.09, 01:39 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • gossip

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      11.20.09, 01:40 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • couple had to live bi-coastal for work reasons at the beginning of the marriage (ny/la) but they spent every weekend together. Went on for a few months. After a vacation in HI the wife gets a call from sister saying we can't keep this from you any longer but it seems dh is leading a double life with a totally different woman.... it was heart breaking

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      11.20.09, 01:45 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • a coworker got married for the first time long before I knew her. on the honeymoon her husband tells her he "thinks" he's gay. why couldn't have said it the day before? Happy ending, she's now married to a great guy and really doing well.

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      11.20.09, 01:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • dh is an alcoholic screw-up. dw loves him but can't stand living with him anymore and he won't get help. she tells him she wants a divorce, doesn't want anything from him (he comes from a wealthy family), feels terrible. things didn't work out, but she didn't blame him. a few weeks later, she finds he has moved in with a girlfriend she did not know about, a girlfriend he knocked up and has been keeping secret! he lets this woman watch their child during his visits! and this woman is TRASHY. when she answers the phone, won't let dw speak with her own son, etc.

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      11.20.09, 02:00 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • DH told on his honeymoon that DW made the wrong decision and wants out. Get divorced, she gets the house. He remarries and 3 months later DW2 tells him she's a lesbian and her partner moves into the house, DH moves to the basement, eventually they too get divorced. Not making this up.

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      11.20.09, 02:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • DF was pregnant w/ # 3. Dh suggested that they sell their home to buy a bigger one, dh sells house and than backs out of new home purchase. Moves family into a dumpy rental tells dw that he is sleeping with her bf and wants a divorce. Df miscarries #3. Dh cancels all credit cards AND turns off the electricity on his own dcs. Dh (who makes over 2 million a year) hides assets and leaves the country.

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      11.20.09, 02:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • Oh, so sad. That is awful.

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        11.20.09, 02:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        • Moral of the story: Don’t allow DH no matter how financially savvy to have complete control of finances. Dw allowed him to do everything and even gave him POA at their house closing. Nothing was in her name.

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          11.20.09, 02:19 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
          • My ex dh left me when I was pg for someone else, but at least I had the comfort of beautiful new baby. Poor woman. So, so, sad.

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            11.20.09, 02:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
            • That is so awful. I once knew a guy at work who was cheating w/ an office mate while dw was pregnant. Everytime I got within inches of either of them my skin would crawl and I was in my early 20's. Some people should never get married.

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              11.20.09, 02:25 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
            • Read "Heartburn" by Nora Ephron is you never have--painful but very, very funny, thinly-fictionalized story of the same thing...

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              11.20.09, 07:16 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • Friend of my mothers find out her dh has another family, living close by (thought he commuted for work) with 2 dd's same age as hers. Had been going on for 10 years. He left her for other 'wife'. He had no money (she had always worked)

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      11.20.09, 03:44 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • My aunts husband ran off with her daughter (his stepdaughter), way before someone famous did the same thing.

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      11.20.09, 04:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • wow...horrible...i can imagine a stepdad being into his stepdaughter, but the idea of the stepdaughter reciprocating the affections and not thinking about hurting her own mom really saddens me. Mom must feel so pained looking at her daughter now.

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        11.20.09, 09:39 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
  • [-]Therapist mom here - had a long day, on a wave, ask me anything.

    30 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]
    11.18.09, 07:54 PM [ Flag ]
    • Are you bored to death during your sessions?

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      11.18.09, 07:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • sometimes... sometimes just depressed.

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        11.18.09, 07:58 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        • this being an anonymous board: do you ever get interested/emotionally involved in your job? Like you think about a patient's problem on the way home?

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          11.18.09, 08:00 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
          • Yes. I have two cases like that - I have a couple that used to swing, stopped, now have a baby, also have a man who got married for all the wrogn reasons, have a baby and isn't really in love with his wife, but loves the kid. It's sad.

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            11.18.09, 08:04 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
            • Thanks. I was always wondering if therapists actually care (sometimes), or they always just secretly look at their watches waiting when we boring wretched souls go away.

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              11.18.09, 08:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
              • I do care, especially when people seem to be caged, locked in their own bodies, unable to help themselves.

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                11.18.09, 08:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
                • np: I thought therapists weren't supposed to tell people what to do.

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                  11.18.09, 08:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
                  • we don't tell them, but we do offer advice. Especially if they indicate that they want something and don't know how to go about it

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                    11.18.09, 08:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • What is the purpose of a therapist? (seriously, I'm not being snarky.)

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      11.18.09, 08:02 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • Do you believe in a classical psychoanalysis, or you think it is over?

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      11.18.09, 08:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • I think many people these days are so lonely, especially in NYC. So many people get married, have kids, have friends and despite all that are so alone. I think I am a friend for hire sometimes, someone that can listen, and doesn’t judge, gives advice, sheds light on a new perspective, a new outlook. If you can help change someone’s perspective you can have change happen in the physical world.

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        11.18.09, 08:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        • What is your take on the fact that meds can change perspective in a very tangible way?

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          11.18.09, 08:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
          • I’m not a Psychiatrist, I’m a LCSW. I am aware of the fact that some people need meds to be able to literally survive. I refer patients to Psychiatrists if I feel that they need more help. In a perfect world talking, opening up, facing issues would get people to straighten up, deal and get better. But in this world it’s not the case, plus some psychotic people do need meds and these are beyond the scope of my practice.

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            11.18.09, 08:24 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • Do you have times where you question the value of therapy, and your chosen profession altogether? I know several MSW's who feel this way, my sister is one of them.

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      11.18.09, 08:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • I do. I don't think it's science. I think of myself as someonw who listens, it's not about analysis.

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        11.18.09, 08:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • How should I deal with my alcoholic borderline personality father? Cut him out completely? Sad he won't have a relationship with dd but maybe it is for the best.

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      11.18.09, 08:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • I personally don’t believe in a rigid definition of “family” – sometimes blood can’t overcome hard personalities, sometimes past experiences affect the way we look at parents, siblings, etc. I have many patients that complain, especially around the holiday season, that they have to go to dinners with their family, however they don’t feel close to those people – a lot of anger, hurt bottled in, yet they go to dinner, act, put on a happy face while questioning the whole “production”. Your father may not have been a good father, and he may never be but he can still be an excellent grandfather, loving and caring, drinking problem or not. However, if he is not interested, doesn’t show affection etc, the fact that he is blood ...

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        11.18.09, 08:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • Any advice on surviving 6th grade? I feel so helpless when dd reveals what's going on socially.

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      11.18.09, 08:14 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • If she is being picked on or singled out, boost her up as much as you can. Even if it seems "silly" or like overkill, if you tell her she is beautiful or smart or [fill in the blank] literally every day, when she is an adult she will have better self-esteem than all of her friends. If she is one of the ones doing the ostracizing, do what you can to teach her compassion outside of her social circle. Perhaps volunteer work, but not by forcing her to be nice to kids considered outcasts - that will be too hard on her because of the other girls. Also, encourage her to be friends with boys.

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        11.20.09, 07:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • how many years after therapist and patient stop being therapist and patient is it ok for them to have a romantic relationship?

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      11.18.09, 08:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • Do you think there is anything that can be done to change a person with a clear cut narcissistic personality disorder, or I should just run away? Is this condition genetic or acquired?

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      11.18.09, 08:39 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • How does one go about choosing a good psychologist? What resources would you recommend?

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      11.19.09, 03:19 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • Trailer trash mom here- how can I get a MILF with two kids to stop calling my boyfriend to ask if she can move in/spend the night?

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      11.19.09, 07:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • Let me preface this by saying that I have definitely benefited from therapy at different times in my life. I do notice, however, that many people who choose to study/practice some sort of mental therapy are generally the people who seem most screwed up. Do you think the majority of people who choose some type of psycho therapy as a profession are trying to fix themselves?

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      11.20.09, 07:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
  • [-]help me out -- I had a discussion with someone (who doesn't have dcs) who said she can foresee a time when women would choose voluntary surrogacy (paying someone else to have their db) instead of carrying a db themselves. That it's another change to how technology becomes a part of our lives and how we try to control/preserve our bodies in different ways. I just don't think efficiency would ever outweigh wanting to be pregnant, if you can do it (for most people -- of course, there are exceptions). What do you think?

    28 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]
    11.20.09, 03:39 PM [ Flag ]
    • I can foresee it, far not the road and for a handful of women, but once it starts the practice could grow. And I say this, even though the thought appalls me.

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      11.20.09, 03:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • see, logically, I understood why she would see it that way. but after having been pregnant, i can't imagine anyone suggesting that efficiency/preserving your body could possibly be considered a parallel choice.

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        11.20.09, 03:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • as someone who had a difficult time getting PG, it was very important for me to feel the pregnancy myself and to go through that experience at least once in my life. Maybe it will become more common for some but it may still remain a natural desire for many.

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      11.20.09, 03:43 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • I do not think it would ever become routine. Yes, a very small group of women would choose this out of need or desire. But most women take pleasure in pregnancy on some level and it is a biological urge similar to sex.

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      11.20.09, 03:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • that's what I feel, too -- there is a sense of pleasure, and almost a primal desire. But she suggested, couldn't the idea of what's pleasurable change? How do we know it's pleasurable before having gone through it?

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        11.20.09, 03:49 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        • I truly think it's similar to sex rather than plastic surgery - an innate desire, rather than a superficial/convenient act.

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          11.20.09, 03:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
          • That's what I was telling her -- that it's hard to understand until you are on the threshold of being able to be pregnant. Why do we want it? Because of what others are telling you? Because of how we've been raised? Because it's primal/innate? I don't know, but it's powerful, and ITA with you -- I can't imagine efficiency/beauty/convenience is what would dominate.

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            11.20.09, 03:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • eros

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        11.20.09, 06:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • Well I really hated being pregnant the first time. I am pregnant again now, and it is much easier. I can't see ever paying somebody else to carry my child, but that first pregnancy did give me some insight into why women might choose that option!

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      11.20.09, 03:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • I've been pregnant twice and hated both pregnancies. There was no part of it that I enjoyed. I would definitely be one of those women who would pay someone to be my surrogate. Pregnancy is an amazing experience for some and torture to others. I don't think this would be mainstream, but could be a good alternative for some people.

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      11.20.09, 04:04 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • But would you have done it BEFORE getting pregnant? In other words, you know now that you had a horrible experience (after having gone through it). How would you make the decision before knowing you personally had it bad?

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        11.20.09, 04:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        • Honestly, I would have gone the surro route even before I got pregnant. Always wanted kids but hated having no control over my body for 12 months (pregnancy + recovery). I would have to know that the surro method would ensure a healthy environment for my baby.

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          11.20.09, 04:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
          • interesting! And you would feel like you could trust a surrogate to be a healthier environment than your own body?

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            11.20.09, 04:16 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
            • I always dreamed that there would be a machine that would simulate a womb and I would pay to rent it and come visit to "see" the baby. I know it sounds silly.

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              11.20.09, 04:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
          • np- but you are the anomaly, most women love pregnancy first time. Only the ones with body problems would not want to get pregnant. Second time is a different matter

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            11.20.09, 04:19 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
            • I wonder if there is a constituency of professional women who would want to do it this way too--less downtime.

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              11.20.09, 04:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
            • np: I also don't like being pregnant and I've had no complications with both of my pregnancies. I just don't like it and don't even get me started on giving birth. Having said that I can't imagine using a surrogate.

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              11.20.09, 06:25 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
          • i'm with you OR. two awful pregnancies. i suppose I would have tried it the first time, but definitely not the second (even though that one was slightly more bearable). if i could do this i may consider a third, but never want to be pregnant again. if the surrogate could be my husband than i'm first to sign up!

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            11.20.09, 06:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • I agree and feel the same way about woman who chose c-sections instead of regular birth when their is no medical need for one. Some woman said that they wanted it because they wanted their baby born on a certain day or b/c they didn't want to stretch out 'down there.' There is too much stock in vanity today despite the fact that woman have been having babies naturally since the world began. I don't like woman who seem proud of c-sections b/c of artificial reasons or concerns about themselves. Of course if there is a REAL medical reason than okay but 75% of the people I know that have ever had one had either vanity or a scheduling conflict that resulted in them wanting a c-section.

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      11.20.09, 04:39 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • I disagree that elective c-sections are along the slippery slope to on-demand surrogacy. C-sections, even when elected for what you consider trivial reasons, do not involve using another woman, who often has much less money and many fewer options, to gestate your baby. I hated hated hated being pregnant, but would never choose the emotional complications surrogacy evolves. A scheduled c-section, on the other hand, was absolutely what was best for my baby and me. And stretching out 'down there' had nothing to do with my decision.

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        11.20.09, 06:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        • np: I'm glad to read that other women don't like being pregnant. I always hear such glowing stories of pregnancy. I not a fan, but I kind of felt alone in that opinion.

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          11.20.09, 06:28 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
          • how old are you? All my friends and I were 35+ when pregnant; children dearly wanted. Very few -- even the yoga divas-- pretended that pregnancy wasn't ten months of nausea, swelling, and flatulence. I thought uncomfortable pregnancies might be a symptom of 'advanced maternal age', but my mother told me all her pregnancies, starting at age 24, were similar. So maybe my circle of friends are more honest/complaining than many . . . .

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            11.20.09, 06:54 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
            • I'm 35 and pregnant. Was 30 with 1st pregnancy. I know women my same age and they seem to like it. Honestly I didn't have difficult pregnancies, but still don't seem to like or love it like some people I know. I like knowing I'm going to have a baby and I'm very thankful for my kids. But that glowing wonderful I love every moment of this look that some people have I just can't relate to.

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              11.20.09, 07:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • I had two C-sections for medical reasons. The first was after waiting 20 days past due date, being induced, 48 hours of labor then haveing a c-section and giving birth to a 10 lb baby. I'm 5;3" and 110 lbs. Damage was irreversible of carrying such a large child so late. My story is not that uncommon, and I wish could have opted for an elective C-section the week before due date because I knew it would go like that. I'm guessing you had relatively easy births so

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        11.20.09, 06:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        • Wow -- I'm surprised your OB didn't suggest a c-section, given your size and the baby's size. . .

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          11.20.09, 07:00 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        • Actually I did not. My birth was not easy. I did have a small baby but was 3 days late and after 9 hours of labor had only gotten to 2 cm. Not only that but my baby was only 6 pounds and I had a 4th degree tear that required 4 sets of stitches inside and out. I was in pain for days and unable to walk or get in and out of bed by myself. However, I would do it all over again and plan to have the next one vaginally too. Don't you read the responses carefully b/c I stated "of course if there is a REAL medical reason that is okay" I am not taking about people who actually have reasons I am talking specifically about people who do it for vanity or selfish reasons, this does not apply to every person who has ever had one.

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          11.20.09, 08:19 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • I think there is a lot of research yet to be done on the impact of the mother (or surrogate) on the fetus' development. I don't think a baby's personality is solely genetics, i think it must be affected to some extent by maternal behaviors as well. Since I am a control freak, I would want the baby in me so I would have full assurance that the baby was in a good environment at all times. But i have thought a LOT about surrogacy...i want 2 kids close in age, and it would be much nicer if i had 10 months to recuperate with my hubby and child, rather than getting immediately preg again. the only other thing stopping me is trying to explain to my MIL why she couldn't come to the hospital...i know...but if she didn't know, and i completely truste...

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      11.20.09, 09:28 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
  • [-]Hiring a private preschool tutor for child who can't easily leave the house. How much should I expect to pay hourly?

    11 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]
    11.03.09, 04:19 PM [ Flag ]
    • Why can't he/she leave the house?

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      11.03.09, 04:30 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • You might be able to hire a teacher/nanny to do a little pre-school homeschool program. Our nanny is a teacher, and we pay her $25/hour. But she is with dd the whole day, not just PT hours, like a half day preschool program would require.

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      11.03.09, 04:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • you don't have to pay that much...right now the market is in your favor. post an ad on craigslist and ask responders to include desired wage and see what kind of responses you get. i'm sure there are some unemployed early ed students who can help your dc out.

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      11.05.09, 12:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • in today's economy, teachers would welcome such a pleasant PT job. I would say $60 - $90 per hour should be appropriate. I hope your dc is all right.

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      11.05.09, 01:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • are you still interested in a preschool tutor for your child?

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      11.20.09, 05:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • We paid $85 per session for a certified teacher who was familiar with the curriculum at our school to give our dcs some continuity over the summer.

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      11.20.09, 06:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • Most families we know pay $100/hr. Best if you can get a personal recommendation to someone directly, saves you and the tutor both the cost of the middle man of a service. Many services take a cut out of the tutor's wages and don't do much for them in return.

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      11.20.09, 08:32 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    • I am sure you could put ad up at local teacher training school, and pay around 30.

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      11.20.09, 08:35 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      • You get what you pay for. Make sure your tutor has whatever level of degree makes you comfortable, checkable references, teaching/tutoring experience particularly with early learners, and in your case someone who has experience with families who need special attention to health-related considerations. IMHO less than $75 or $100/hour is not going to get you all that.

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        11.20.09, 09:04 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
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