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[+] Does anyone else's child NOT have playdates? I woh f/t and have 2 dcs. weekends tend ... 49 replies
- i just played with my brothers. Now have an only child now and i thought that daycare (before she...They both have plenty of play dates. My older child's play dates are drop off, so she goes...with her and our baby sitter. With the younger child, the baby sitters both stay. If it doesn't...it can get out of hand when a child's every day is scheduled with playdates and not...to certain social circles, not necessarily who the child would choose for their date. My point is...
Talk : : November 19, 2009
Does anyone else's child NOT have playdates? I woh f/t and have 2 dcs. weekends tend to be family time and if we do playdates it's with friends that dh and i want to catch up with. My younger dc who is in preschool is begging for playdates which is just hard - have an after school babysitter but also older dc would have to tag along...and I don't know when else to fit this in but i feel guilty. Someone tell me I am not the only one.
49 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.19.09, 09:45 AM [ Flag ]Can older DC do drop-off playdates while sitter takes younger DC to his/hers?
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 09:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]time to do drop off playdates
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 09:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]maybe you should put the pre-schooler in an all-day program like CADS.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 09:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]believe me if there was an all day program available i would - could stay longer at preschool but costs $ and difficult with schedule of other dc. older dc doesn't really do play dates either...see - i feel like i am raising two socially inept kids.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 09:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]but that's even worse! school is not a playdate.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I think play dates are important for developing more intimate relationships and a chance to socialize one-on-one.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 09:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ha - signed a sahm i bet.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 09:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I work until 1 or 2 and then pick kids up at school and either have a friend dropped off with me or drop one of mine off- or have other parent pick up mine and hers and then go pick up at about 5.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 09:58 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]doesn't really work if you work until 5 and have a dc with homework to get started on too
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:08 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]What do your dcs do from 3 when school ends until 5 when you stop working?
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]they are with babysitter - sometimes go to park or bookstore - stuff around neighborhood or come home to have snack/play with eachother. depends largely on weather
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Can babysitter handle dropping kid off at play date or looking after another kid for an hour or two?
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:19 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]My babysitter used to have other kids (and the other kid's sitter) over to our house - or the library - or met up in the park.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:20 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
hijack - what kind of work do you do where you are off by 1 or 2? always looking for ideas for part-time
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm a preschool teacher.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
tee hee hee. signed: wohm mom, who has a little guilt that 5 YO DC doesn't have many PD. one or two a month max.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ita
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I don't think you have anything to worry about. They get lots of socialization at school. I was in a similar situation as you and my kids who are now a bit older are social and form great friendships.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 09:59 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]this is sort of like saying adults get plenty of socialization at work.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]yeah if you got to spend most of the day playing, painting and clownging around with your co-workers
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]so dumb. all of my friends growing up (that i chose, i was forced to play with my mom's friend's kids) were from school.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]^and by the way, I've also formed great friendships at work. Still fiends from old co-workers at my first job out ofcollege over 10 years ago.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]you seem to be missing the point. you form friendships at school and work but you see/saw those friends outside of those contexts.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 11:08 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Started doing drop off playdates when dcs were 4. I work FT but have an au pair who shuttled the kids. I don't think kids will suffer if they don't have them but it doesn't hurt either.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:05 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]when I was a kid i just played with my brothers. Now have an only child now and i thought that daycare (before she was in school), then school and now that she is older, after school activities she had plenty of social interaction. i guess you need to do playdates if you dont get out of the house much. certainly play & solcial interaction is important; glad i never had to run my schedule around setting up play appointments though.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:15 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]not to make too big a deal out of this, but an arranged playtime with a special friend is different from "social interaction" with random dcs you meet out and about or in the context of some other activity, like afterschool. in this day and age, setting up play appointments is sort of part of the deal of being a parent.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:31 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]agree. but i think it can get out of hand when a child's every day is scheduled with playdates and not just "play". not to flame, but i think a lot of playdates are sought in an effort for the mother to gain access to certain social circles, not necessarily who the child would choose for their date. My point is that too much importance can be placed on the playdate. It can seem like there is a competition for certain friendships.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 11:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't do playdates because I think it is more important for my children to bond with each other than any other children. I have a 7yo boy and 5yo girl. They play with others randomly at the playground but at home, it has been lovely watching their play develop from bickering to setting up a store to inventing games and building forts in the living room. They both beg for playdates, they get them at birthday parties and a few times a month. School and school events give them more time with peers. They are both very social and leaders in their classes. I've forced them to deal effectively with difficult differences and it shows in their interactions with friends of all ages. I value the relationship my kids have with each other above friends who will come and go.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 11:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]But don't you think seeing little friends is important as well, but in a different way? I know a lot of families who feel as you do and it just seems like something is missing from the kids' lives...even if they do get along well. It kind of is a normal thing to have non family playmates, isn't it? I would see it as enriching the sibling relationship, to have other personalities and experiences. I know I need to interact with a variety of different people.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 12:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]friends at that age will come and go....
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 12:19 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
isn't younger dc out of preschool before older dc is out of school? or could nanny arrange dropoff playdates for older dc and take younger one on playdates herself? make this the nanny's problem. also, i think it's a little selfish of you to make your weekend socializing all about you and dh.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:20 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Nanny should be making play dates.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Can older dc do an afterschool activity or program one or two days a week? This would replace "playdates" because if itwhile he could be doing something he enjoys
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^ because if he likes it he'll be socializing
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]again, not the same. "socializing" and hanging out with a bff and doing things of your choosing, not a structured activity led by an adult, are two different things.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 11:10 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
while i don't think that playdates are the end all be all, i also think that it is a legitimate request from your dc. clearly he or she really wants to spend some more time with preschool friends. I think that once a week your sitter can handle a playdate. Most preschool kids either have a babysitter or a SAHM who can bring the kid to your house and your older dc can either go home with a friend sometimes or bring a friend over sometimes. I can't udnerstand why this is so hard.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:37 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I was you last year--while play dates aren't essential, when your kid starts asking for them, they are socially important. Why not just host them all? Invite other sitters and moms to your place--people are used to doing that when there's a younger sib at home.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i am in similar situation. Have found it works well with other siblings (eg. sets of kids the same age). Also, many people in NY have babysitters, so email moms and ask if your babysitter can arrange a playdate with theirs. Host first, then most will not mind your other dc tagging along if your babysitter has them under control. Or, try to sign older DC up for a drop off program and do playdates with the younger one around then.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 10:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't understand the problem. I have a preschooler and an elementary school aged child. I WOH f/t and have a baby sitter with the kids in the afternoon. They both have plenty of play dates. My older child's play dates are drop off, so she goes home with a friend or the friend comes home with her and our baby sitter. With the younger child, the baby sitters both stay. If it doesn't work out that older child is at someone else's house when younger child has a play date, older child comes or they all play at our apartment. Both of my kids have always played with one another's friends.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 11:15 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]MY Step DD who is 8 doesn't have playdates. Her mother works and she goes into after care after school. I feel it has really hurt her socially. She has no close friends, does not get invited to parties etc...
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 11:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]why>? are there no kids in the after care?
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 12:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]i've worked since dd was a baby, she's always attended afterschool programs and has tons of friends and a great social life. I dont really understand your point. Maybe she is just shy or the kids dont like her...?
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 01:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
i good nanny should set up these playdates for you--i think more than needing it, preschoolers like having playdates. or you could always arrange them yourself and then send your sitter or host them at your house. i dont think being a wohm is a good excuse and most of these responses sound self righteous. are playdates critical, no, but kids enjoy them and it's good for them.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 11:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i think you've got to do the playdates. i work f/t too (and so does dh), so i understand where you are coming from. we just try to make playdates as easy as possible, and usually do them with other woh parents (most of the parents i know work full time). we'll take turns dropping off for a weekend afternoon, take another kid along to the zoo or museum, whatever. also, do you live in an apartment? if there are kids in your building that you could help dc connect with it is SO much easier. our ds plays with other kids from the building everyday.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 11:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]My DC rarely have playdates. DH is a SAHD, which makes the whole thing a little difficult. (I wonder how many of the ladies going on above about how essential playdates are would actually schedule one with their DC's BFF if he/she had a SAHD.) I'm not all that concerned about it. They play a lot with each other (they're less than 2 years apart), have cousins close in age that they play with one-on-one, play with friends on the playground after school and a lot of stuff like that.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 11:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I view playdates as part of life - I like opening up my home to friends and I expect DCs do as well. You can manage it if you work, just a different schedule. Friends are part of life especially for children. I think it is important to learn how to be a good host and to deal with different people outside the family.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 12:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I was you last year, and now I accept invitations and then reciprocate, but I don't seek them out. I have to say it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be to get into the rotation and reciprocate, I leave work a little early or work from home that day and finish early, then pick them both up and take them somewhere or bring them home. I do this about once a month and it is manageable, and I do see that ds is learning something from it, how to be a good host, have a friend one on one, do what someone else wants to do, offer a snack, etc. He is in aftercare and that is very social too, the kids there have lots of friends- it is a different kind of socializing though.
[ Reply | Options ]11.20.09, 07:02 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Do what's right for you family but playdates one-on-one are different then just being at school and are important for social development and conflict resolution. Of course if they have a sibling and parents they are probably getting that at home on the weekends anyway! But I'd try to get one in every now and then.
[ Reply | Options ]11.20.09, 07:05 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] To those of you who had their second, third, fourth, etc. baby after 40+--did you hav... 5 replies
- I had #2 at 40 - and I don't regret it. I'm an only child and it was important to me that I have more than 1 DC (and I'm thinking about #3 - it probably won't happenen, but it's an idea!). I did worry about DC's health (and mine) - but everything was okay (and I'm a worrier - I would have worried at 25, too!). Very glad that we went for it. If I had been married earlier, I would have had DC earlier...
Talk : : November 17, 2009
To those of you who had their second, third, fourth, etc. baby after 40+--did you have any concerns regarding your age or health of the baby? Are you glad you did it?
5 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.17.09, 07:35 PM [ Flag ]I had #2 at 40 - and I don't regret it. I'm an only child and it was important to me that I have more than 1 DC (and I'm thinking about #3 - it probably won't happenen, but it's an idea!). I did worry about DC's health (and mine) - but everything was okay (and I'm a worrier - I would have worried at 25, too!). Very glad that we went for it. If I had been married earlier, I would have had DC earlier...but that's just not how my life turned out.
[ Reply | Options ]11.17.09, 07:43 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]had #4 (oops) at 41 against the advice of my OB - she came at 25 weeks and spent 2 months in the NICU - She is the light and joy of our lives and don't regret it one bit. I do regret the worry I put DH through.
[ Reply | Options ]11.17.09, 07:47 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Did you have medical issues that made OB think there would be problems carrying to term?
[ Reply | Options ]11.17.09, 07:51 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Is she doing okay developmentally? I'm amazed and in awe that she is okay having been bron so early...
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 05:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP - I had medical issues with 2nd and 3rd - and had 3 miscarriages, so we were worried about problems, but the pregnancy had not had complications up to that point. I was with a terrific HR OB and had chosen a hospital with a great NICU. My DH's worry had been for my health as I was at great risk when my water suddenly broke and I went into labor. DD is doing well developmentally - she had slight delays walking and is a little speech delayed. She began a "speech expolsion during the past week and I am thrilled. She gets services, but is doing unbelievably well. A true miracle baby!!
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:29 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] I feel guilty about only wanting one child. I feel like I'm supposed to want more. An... 7 replies
- was you. She had me and thought that she only had enough resources (emotional and financial) to care for...ran very deep. I never suffered from being an only child. There's no rule that you have to...my dh's experience of wishing he were an only instead of having a drug-addicted younger sister), we are...m the same way. I don't want another child and neither does dh but I occasionally feel...is nothing wrong with being an only child and having a child b/c you feel like you...
Talk : : November 16, 2009
I feel guilty about only wanting one child. I feel like I'm supposed to want more. Anyone BTDT? Advice?
7 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.16.09, 06:12 AM [ Flag ]My mom was you. She had me and thought that she only had enough resources (emotional and financial) to care for one child. She had high standards about what she wanted to give me and wasn't willing to compromise on them. I'm not sure whether she ever regretted this choice, but it ran very deep. I never suffered from being an only child. There's no rule that you have to have more than one, I have no idea why you'd feel guilty about this.
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 06:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]amen from another only child. i also have only one child. i don't know if we'd have enough resources for a 2nd, either.
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 07:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
on occasion but we are happy with one. Can't afford another and I'm too old. My dd is a very happy child
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 06:20 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]We have only one and are happy. Our ds is very well adjusted, has everything he could want plus is VERY well behaved. When I see my friends with 2+ children and all the juggling they have to do, I actually feel bad for them (both the parents and the children).
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 06:22 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I have an only too. It would have been nice for DS to have a sibling but not meant to be (too old now anyway). We are so happy with one though. Love him to pieces and try to do everything for him. Enjoy your one!
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 06:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I was the oldest of three children. For 4 years, I got the full attention of my parents. It was wonderful! My brother and sister definately didn't get as much attention and my sister had a really difficult teen experience (probably because my parents were exhausted). Given my experience (and my dh's experience of wishing he were an only instead of having a drug-addicted younger sister), we are very happy to have one wonderful daughter!
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 06:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm the same way. I don't want another child and neither does dh but I occasionally feel weird b/c according to the rest of the world, I am supposed to want more. There is nothing wrong with being an only child and having a child b/c you feel like you are "supposed to" is one of the worst reasons to do so!
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 07:20 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] What did you 1st/2nd grade dd play with most at that age? Wondering how old girls ar... 9 replies
- markers, drawing/writing in "journals", those little plastic dollhouses/villages (fisher price?). she's 11 and still wont let me pack any of it away. still takes toys in the bath too! only child, so she is used to amusing herself.doesnt play much with the AG dolls anymore, but they are all on the bookshelf still....
Talk : : November 12, 2009
What did you 1st/2nd grade dd play with most at that age? Wondering how old girls are with American Girl dolls? Is my first grader getting too old to get her first American Girl doll? She's never been a huge doll girl, but am wondering if I get her one if it will still have a year or two of interest for her because it would be such a special treat? Also, when did you dd play barbies -- how long does that age last? What do your 2nd/3rd grade dd's play with at playdates? Thanks.
9 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.12.09, 08:10 AM [ Flag ]I know 4th graders who still play with their American Girl dolls. That being said, if she's not a huge doll fan, I wouldn't spend the money. My dds liked Barbies in Kindergarten and 1st Grade, though my 4th grader just asked me if I would unpack them. The most popular toys in our house though are art supplies and a clean art table to work at.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 08:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA. I was a huge doll fan as a kid, dd not so much. if she's not really into them, I would go in that direction--let her guide.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 09:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Mine play with the AG dolls and barbies too. Some girls like dolls, some don't. If your dd is not a fan of dolls don't spend the $ on an AG doll.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 08:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]various and sundry things. mostly she made up stuff to keep herself entertained.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 08:32 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]you could at least point op to a website to acquire either various or sundry as long as you are being helpful
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 08:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
littlest pet shop, barbie, polly pocket, american girl dolls, markers, drawing/writing in "journals", those little plastic dollhouses/villages (fisher price?). she's 11 and still wont let me pack any of it away. still takes toys in the bath too! only child, so she is used to amusing herself.doesnt play much with the AG dolls anymore, but they are all on the bookshelf still.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 08:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]1st grate dd just got an AG doll as a gift and seems somewhat interested in it. She also loves knex and legos, drawing, and games like monopoly, boggle, yahtzee
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 09:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]girl: littlest pet shop. boy: bakugan & transformers both: legos
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 09:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^oh, and art supplies for both.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 09:46 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] We live in a 1000 SF Jr 4 on the UES. (Purchased 2 yrs ago) DD's bdrm is about 100s... 13 replies
- I understand you're concern about them sharing but really its fine for a boy or girl for the next few years. I am an only child and had to get over my kids having to share a room. I always felt this was unfair. But since I love the city and don't even want to think about sharing a room I got over...
Talk : : November 11, 2009
We live in a 1000 SF Jr 4 on the UES. (Purchased 2 yrs ago) DD's bdrm is about 100sf. I'm thinking of having a second child soon. My daughter and the second child will be 4.5 yrs apart (if all goes according to plan) Am I insane to think if I have another girl the two can share the bedroom? We live in a wonderful school district and upgrading to larger space is beyond our means.
13 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.11.09, 03:51 PM [ Flag ]Do you have any idea how many people have 2 or 3 kids in a 1000 sq ft (or smaller!) apt?!?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 03:59 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]that makes me feel better! OP here.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 04:00 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
If you have no choice to upgrade, they will have to share - end of story. You'll make it work.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 04:00 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]thx
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 04:01 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]but, should I seriously consider moving to the suburbs? my DH and I really don't want to. Is a private bdrm for DC necessary?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 04:02 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I shared with my sister until I left for college at 18. She was older and didn't leave.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 04:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]was it terrible for you? how big was your room?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 04:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]it was fine except she could not sleep without the tv and light on, I need dark and quiet to sleep. 2 twin beds pushed together with enough room to walk around and open the closet door
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 04:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
i think even if you have a boy they can share a room...
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 04:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]really?! but not as teens, right? at some pt we'll have to move if boy/girl I'd imagine.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 04:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]well maybe not as teens, but by then the economy will have hopefully improved and you can cross that bridge then....;)
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 04:14 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Of course they can share. Even if you have a boy they can share for at least four or five years
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 04:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I understand you're concern about them sharing but really its fine for a boy or girl for the next few years. I am an only child and had to get over my kids having to share a room. I always felt this was unfair. But since I love the city and don't even want to think about sharing a room I got over it. My dd, 4, is so excited about having a little brother I didn't even have to ask her if she mind sharing. She told me to put the crib right next to her bed.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 04:59 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] My 2 year old does not hit at all, but it seems like most of his friends do. It makes... 20 replies
- your child doesn't seem to have a problem with it...your son is only 2, he'll toughen up over time...
- be - stage or no stage. Discipline is the only thing that changes bad behavior, such as hitting....to you) "condone hitting. Older parent of an only child much??...
- inappropriate for me to say that to another child, but next time I will....
Talk : : November 11, 2009
My 2 year old does not hit at all, but it seems like most of his friends do. It makes me very uncomfortable I do not know how to react. When he gets hit he is just stunned but does not hit back. I know that this is good bc he is gentle but I want him to somehow defend himself. What can I do so he can defend himseld. Btw I really despise these parents that condone hitting.
20 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.11.09, 09:50 AM [ Flag ]He's fine. His friends will stop hitting soon, so don't spend too much time on this one.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 09:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]That's difficult but honestly I think you need to give it another couple of years before he'll understand when you articulate to him how to handle it. In the meantime I think all you can do is remove him from the situation when it happens.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 09:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]It's a phase-but not all kids go through it. Careful w/the judging, your kid may go through some which others may skip. Teach your kid to say, "Don't hit me! Stop! and also keep their head up and to 'block' incoming blows. It can be tricky to prevent a winger or cringer, so be sure to explain it as fairly as possible. Just send a clear message that it's not okay to hit OR be hit. btw-We taught our child to use hands and arms to defend; that worked great.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 10:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I can judge when someone hits my child. It is hard to teach a 2 year old how to "block". You are right though about sending a message though.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 10:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]If the child is a toddler then that's all all you can judge:there a toddler who hits-not an evil, little monster. Please, as a parent of a non-hitter and friend to many hitters, I know it's natural to be upset when your child is hit. What's disturbing to hear is your judgy assessment of parents who(according to you) "condone hitting. Older parent of an only child much??
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 10:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
as a parent of a ds who hit all the time - i resent this a bit. I tried and tried and tried, and thankfully it was a phase that never seemed to end. i never condoned hitting.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 10:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np and I think you misunderstood, I think she was saying she didn't want to hear anyone suggest she teach her son to hit back.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 10:19 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]oh lol.. i get it. thanks! i am super-defensive about this because it was a HUGE issue for me for years. such anxiety.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 10:22 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
OP here- Should I just all out avoid play dates with kids that hit constantly? it is such a pain and I don't want my child to think that kind of behavior is ok. I also just feel bad for him bc he is so sweet he just sits there I don't want him to pick up bad habits.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 10:22 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]your child doesn't seem to have a problem with it. seems like he handles it better than you.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 10:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Where are you finding parents that condone hitting? Other than you, of course, because you want him to hit back and "defend himself".
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 10:20 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Hit back? I want him to protect himself but I don;t want to hit. Some parents just say "don't do that" but then they give up and have the "boys will be boys attitude".
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 10:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I go up to these kids myself and say sternly "No hitting." Kids are more scarred of strangers who speak sternly to them. Usually (when mom says it over and over) the kid continues to do it but when a third party says it sternly and directly to them, they usually stop. At least it works for me b/c I give them the "I am not joking" look that ALL moms have.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 10:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP here- I guess I feel that it would slightly inappropriate for me to say that to another child, but next time I will.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I don't think many parents condone hitting. In fact, I think most of them do everything they know how to do to stop kids from hitting. Nevertheless, kids do hit sometimes. Wait until you get a hitter next time around! The child you have now is gentle... just let him be him. As above poster stated, the hitting will ease up as kids can use their words better.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 10:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]you know parents that condone hitting?...that's bizarre...your son is only 2, he'll toughen up over time
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 10:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't think they actually condone hitting they just don't seem to do anything to stop it. It may seem like they do b/c they chose to do nothing and think of it as "a stage." I see a lot of parents that don't discipline for hitting when they should be - stage or no stage. Discipline is the only thing that changes bad behavior, such as hitting. My dd went through this for a couple days. Everytime she did it she got in trouble. Needless to say after those few days she has yet to hit another kid.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 10:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Well you handled it the right way, I am not going to have plans with this particular mom for a long time. The last time I saw her child was 2 months ago and it was the same thing. I don;t need to deal with this and have my child be hurt when he just wants to play.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:36 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Mine is exactly like this too. I adore his sweet, gentle nature (just like his dad...aw), but worry that he will not defend himself properly against other aggressive boys.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 10:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Doesn't it make you sad? I feel so bad for him, but I don;t want him to hit back.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] What time does your DC go to bed? My DCs are 6&4 and I try to put them to sleep by 8-... 65 replies
- need between 11 and 12 hours of sleep, with only some very rare exceptions....
- but that doesn't change the fact that your child needs his sleep....
- "endanger the well-being of your child?" I don't care if you have five MD...really believe that it is detrimental for a child to get 10 hours of sleep, plus a 2...FYI: I believe he might have been the only child in NYC to take a nap until...
Talk : : November 10, 2009
What time does your DC go to bed? My DCs are 6&4 and I try to put them to sleep by 8-8:30pm. Not enough time after dinner(5:30pm) to do anything entertaining for them. Always rushing(bath, homework, read books). I wonder if I should stretch a bit till 9pm.
65 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.10.09, 07:46 AM [ Flag ]8:00. 9 is a disaster. they need more sleep and less entertainment.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 07:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]What do you mean by disaster? Clanky next day?
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 07:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]yes. they need way more sleep than you think. (and you may or may not need some time in the evening during which you are not screaming at the top of your lungs). my 8 yo has to be in bed by 8, and asleep by 8:30 latest.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
my 4 y.o. goes to bed at 8:30. she's usually up in the morning before i need to wake her.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 07:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]This sounds like our situation, but we are sticklers with the 8ish bedtime. DS in particular complains that he doesn't get enough time to play, and I feel guilty sometimes, but adequate sleep is more important to their overall development than playing (some more) with legos.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 07:58 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]playing and unscheduled free time are awfully important, too, though.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
really depends on the kid. my 4 yo goes to bed at 9:30 and is up on his own around 7. no nap, and he has always been this way. my 18 mo goes to bed at 8:30, up at 6:30, and 1 45 min nap. i would give anything to have them sleep more!
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]does your 4 yo go out regularly (to school, etc)? this may be the difference. (at any rate, 7 is too late, and 9:30 is way too late for us)
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]or: 4 yo is in school 8:45 to 2:30 5x wk. and i know this is pretty unusual. he doesn't get cranky, etc and if he's tired (like after a day w/swimming, etc) he tells me and goes to bed "early" (like 8:45).
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
totally depends on the kid. My 6yo is rarely in bed before 9:30 and wakes up on his own in a good mood. On the rare occasion he falls asleep earlier on his own (like in the car) he is up before daylight. Different kids need different amounts of sleep.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Not true. Most children that age need between 11 and 12 hours of sleep, with only some very rare exceptions.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]all kids need lots of sleep. there's more going on than how cranky they are in the morning.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
my kids are usually in bed by 7. they are really tired earlier but there's not enough time to do homework, supper, etc.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]my 2 yo goes to bed at 7. if you start bedtime routine earlier you will have enough time (homework at age 6????). try baths every other day?
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Children that young should be going to bed no later than 7:30, assuming they're waking up around 7:00 the next morning. They should be getting 11-12 hours of sleep a night for optimal health. -- MD dad
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]sometimes that is impossible, signed realistic working mother
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]MD dad again. You cannot change human physiology just because it doesn't suit your personal schedule. I'm sorry you have a hectic schedule, but that doesn't change the fact that your child needs his sleep.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]well it's nice that you have a wife at home that can put your kids to bed on time but some of us are working to keep our kids alive and getting them to bed at that time isnt possible, and it's not because it doesnt suit my personal schedule its because i have to work, i have no DH so it;s the life we all have to live.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Perhaps you should choose a work situation that doesn't endanger the well-being of your child. Just a suggestion.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]you are ridiculous
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]lol yeah because there are so many jobs out there for her to choose from
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]"endanger the well-being of your child?" I don't care if you have five MD's--you're a real *sshole.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
wow sancti Dr. Dad
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Nothing "sancti" about it -- I'm just relaying the medical facts.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: I suspect we're dealing with another UB degree
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]lol
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
there are somekids that need less sleep. my 4.5 y.o. is in bed for less than 11 hours many nights, and she is waking up on her own and lying there awake for some of the time pretty much every morning. if i put her to bed earlier, all i'm doing is increasing her time awake in bed.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]As I posted above, there are some rare exceptions. But justifying a later bedtime to accommodate your work schedule is not not only not in the best interest of the child, it endangers his health by putting him in chronic sleep deprivation at an early age, while he's still developing.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]So...what do you recommend? Quitting a job? Informing your employer that you need to leave early? Good luck with that in this economy.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
WOHM and I totally agree w/ MD dad... it blows that I don't get to spend as much time as I'd like with my DCs after work but I know it is more important for them to have their rest than for me to keep them up for my enjoyment. The 3 yr olds go to sleep @ 7 and my 5 yr old gets to stretch it out until 7:45-8. Anything less and we all end up paying for it the next day.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]First, not all families are "paying for it the next day" since many children are fine on a little less sleep. we aren't talking about going to bed at midnight, just 9 or 10. do you sleep nazis really believe that it is detrimental for a child to get 10 hours of sleep, plus a 2 hour nap each day, as opposed to 11.5 hours (or whatever you mandate)?Also for working parents, having your dcs stay up to spend time with them isn't solely for your enjoyment. children thrive on spending quality time with their parents. i for one think it is more important for my dcs to spend an hour reading/playing/talking/snuggling with dh and i that for them to get an extra hour of sleep. especially since they aren't tired or worse for the wear in the morning.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]interesting.most of the moms i know who have super-scheduled kids (nap strictly at 1pm, no exceptions; bedtime at 7pm, no exceptions), do so for their own enjoyment. they want downtime without their kids. they want to have a glass of wine and start their own evening. sounds selfish to me.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Oh Lord, I could go on here but will try not to. Let's just say that when you're making a doctor's salary it's a lot easier to let your wife stay home and/or get an apt. near your job so you get home early and can wake up late. I trudge in from the outer boroughs every day with a 90 min. commute because I am not so lucky.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:31 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]he sounds like a complete asshole and i cannot imagine having him as a doctor.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
total fake. i suspect this is a mom spouting Dr. Weissbluth data and taking credit for it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:13 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA. Imposter.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
i agree. no d mom.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 02:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]My daughter is 4 and goes to bed bet 7 & 7:30 but has started waking up at 5:30 or 6p. She used to sleep until 7. any suggestions on how to get her back to sleeping until 7.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 03:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Exercise the bejeebers out of her the day before. Still put her to bed at 7; if she has REALLY exercised a lot, she'll sleep later. DS (5) goes to sleep between 7-7:15, wakes up at 6 (ugh), and is then allowed to quietly play computer games until 6:30, when we get up. If he has really exercised (I'm talking playing outside for at least 5 hours), he'll sleep until 7. FYI: I believe he might have been the only child in NYC to take a nap until he was about 4 1/2, a fact we kept quiet for fear of people sneering at us.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 05:16 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]She gets a lot of exercise and she is FULL of energy. I am pregnant so I'm not. She gets up and goes to pbskids.org and/or watches videos until I can drag myself out of bed. Usually around 8/8:30. Even though I'm still in bed I'm in that wake/sleep stage. When I hear her get up it wakes me up but I just don't have the energy to actually get up. It doesn't help that I'm a night person. I have noticed when she sleeps in the bed with which is extremely rare cause she kicks she sleeps in later.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 05:38 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
10 to 12 depending on the child. And I agree, in a perfect world, but it is not a perfect world.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 05:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Why are you "rushing" things this late at night?
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]We do 7:30 winddown with 8 PM lights out for 6 and 2 yo. I still have to wake the 6 yo up in the morning for school (6:45) but the 2 yo wakes at 5:30 on her own. 6 yo does complain that there's not enough time for anything fun. One easy way to gain a lot of time is to switch to showers. Our showers are 30 seconds per kid - we only wash hair 2x a week.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Stinky!
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Kids aren't usually plagued with B.O.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
why do a 6 & 4 y/o have homework?
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Your dc's aren't in school yet, are they? Mine isn't either but I've heard stories.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]my 6 yr old is in 1st grade and has been getting homework since K.?
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
my kids go to bed LATE. I can't get them down earlier. Usually close to 10 which I know is crazy, up by 6:30. They are 4, 6 and 8. Is there an actual danger to this? They never seem tired, except when they actually have to get up, but not during the day.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]if you have to wake them every day and its difficult to do os, they're tired. put them to bed earlier.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]are you with them during the day? Even if they aren't yawning or falling asleep, there is no way kids that young are functioning as well on 8.5 hours of sleep as kids getting 10 - 12. I'm not MD dad, but there is a lot of science on development and sleep (or lack thereof).
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Hard to say what makes DS the way he is, but ours gets about 11 hrs./night, and used to nap A LOT. Farmer hours: when it gets dark, he goes to bed, when it is light, he wakes up. He is a head taller than other kids in his class, and has had maybe 2 colds in his life (he is 6). Also, we spend a lot of time outside. So who knows? All that sleep doesn't seem to hurt him.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 05:20 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
5yo goes to bed at 7:30-8pm and gets up 6:45-7am during the week. Sometimes on the weekends he sleeps later and occasionally if he's really tired he'll go to bed earlier. I think that many kids need 11-12 hrs and it's hard to get that much sleep, esp once htey have to go to school and get up early and are no longer napping. Sadly, playtime is for before dinner/bath/stories - which for me means before I get home. And weekends.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]6 and 4 yo. Bed at 8:00pm up at 6:00am
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]my schedule as a kid: 4-5 come home, eat small snack 5-6 go outside and play, 6-7:30 come inside, wash hands, eat dinner, do homework 7:30-9:00 watch TV, change into PJs, maybe have bath, brush teeth. sleep around 9 or 10 pm. Sometimes even later! But parents are immigrants; they don't really schedule kids.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 02:04 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]2yo - down at 9pm up at 10-11am.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 03:51 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]For real? Does she nap? This seems like a crazy late wakeup time! Why such a late bedtime?
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 04:56 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Generally he takes a 3 hour nap starting at 1pm.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 05:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^^^^Late bedtime so that he may spend some time with Dad who doesn't get home until 8pm.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 05:22 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
We do the same thing. Allows DCs to have time with WOHM in the evenings and still get sufficient sleep.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 07:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: we did this until dc started preschool and then had to change things. i miss those days though.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 06:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
my 7yo goes to bed at 8pm.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 04:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]4 yr old is in bed, lights out, by 7:15/7:30, but he generally falls asleep around 8. He sleeps til 7:30/8:00 am.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 05:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I've always known my dc needed little sleep, but this post confirms it. 9yo and 7yo. Sleep 10/10:30pm-7:30am. Neither needs more than 9-9.5hrs of sleep a night. Their dad needs less than 5 hrs a night and unfortunately for me (who needs 8) they inherited his need for less sleep. Even if put to bed early, they still naturally wake after 9-9.5 hrs, regardless of season, bedtime, or a whole summer to sleep in.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:29 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]My DD is 5 years old and she goes to bed at 7:30 and gets up for school at 6:00 AM
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Hate to say this, but this is anonymous so I'll try. I hate my DS's personality. At... 106 replies
- are you sahm? is this your only child?...
- that her personality has deteriorated since having his child?...
- OMG, are you aware how underweight your child is?...
- should know that your approach to giving your child your version of healthy eating habits is going...you, but I'd like to have your child stay with me for two months to get...
Talk : : November 05, 2009
Hate to say this, but this is anonymous so I'll try. I hate my DS's personality. At least so far. He jsut turned 2 and all he does is cry and whine and cling to us. Every transition is a nightmare. He doesn't go to strangers well, is hysterical when he's with his grandparents, and honestly cries and whines nonstop in our house. All my friends have these happy, well adjusted kids who are so easygoing and my DS is anything but. Anyone else been there done that? Am I awful for saying I don't like his personality?
106 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.05.09, 07:53 PM [ Flag ]might be a stage that will pass; though terrible two's can start before two and last beyond it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 07:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Thanks, but he's really been this way since he was born. Very fussy and nervous and well, wimpy. Should I take him to a child psychologist?
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 07:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]it really probably is a phase. btw. it is a hard thing to admit so good for you. Obviously you love him but I do understand exactly what you are saying. I bet he'll be great when he's older. Just try to work through it. Having him evaluated can
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 07:59 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^can't hurt. Try NYU downtown. Great comprehensive evaluation.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:00 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
not awful but bear in mind that every character trait has a flip side. he might be a very sensitive and thoughtful person. the downside of it is that he can be fearful and emotional. and as a 2yo, that's really hard to handle.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 07:58 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Can you think of any thing you and DH have done to contribute to this behaviour?
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 07:58 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]We fight about this constantly. DH says its 100% my personality. I don't see myself this way, but maybe he's right.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:01 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm not at all looking to blame anyone. But I do think we need to examine ourselves as parents first. You and DH are the primary teachers your ds has had since day one. It also may hold the solution, that if behaviour can be taught it can also be re-taught.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I have 5 kids. Two of them were like this, the others completely the opposite. I swear they were just born being cautious, easily scared and nervous. Now they are very poised, nice, smart kids, and everyone says they wish their dcs will grow up to be like them. It is hard road, but work with what they are, rather than fighting it, and forcing them to do things that you know will be an issue.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]are you OP or a new poster?
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]np.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Mine is like that too. It is exhausting, and lonely, as he does not enjoy being around other people much. I do, and have lots of friends with kids, but he does not enjoy playdates that much. Trying to back off, and just do what he does enjoy for a bit.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 07:58 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Thanks. He doesn't seem to enjoy much. We tried taking him on rides this summer at Sesame Place and he was miserable. Cried the entire time. So obviously he hates rides. Went to the children's zoo and he was afraid of the animals. He just doesn't like anything. Don't have many friends with kids who act this way. Other friends kids are so easy going.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:00 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I know exactly what you mean. But I feel better now I have focused on what he does like to do. Which is really just simple, quiet, things that do not involve strangers. Going on the swings.(will not go on slide or climb on climbing frame) Sandboxes. Reading. Cooking. Playing with legos, playmobil and blocks. Feeding ducks. Playing with water table. I have also limited playdates to just 2 kids, so he can get comfortable with them, and then add one more a month...It is tiring, but my ped said to give him more att, then he will ask for less. I find he is much better when he has plenty of sleep and food.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]That's the other thing we fight about. DH says I don't feed him enough and he always is begging for snacks when he sees other kids having them and then shovels them in. I give the same recommended meals that he's been getting since he started table foods at 9m. And he eats like clockwork, always 4 hours after the previous meal. So food is not an issue. He sleeps 14 hr/night, and naps 2 hours/day. At the park he just runs around and babbles and points. Won't go on the slide or climb, just likes to wander.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]he is eating same food he ate at 9 mos? don't you give him snacks?
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]He started table food at 9m and dropped baby food. He gets some snacks (healthy only, no sugar) but snacks are bad and I don't want him to be a fat child. He's not, so I'm obviously going to keep up what I'm doing. Its just that he always seems hungry!
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Jesus FEED YOUR CHILD
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 04:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Kids have smaller tummies. They can't eat that much at a time, so they need the snacks.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 04:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]omg, you are making this up, right?! I am an ED mom and this sounds like your problem right here. Kids need to eat!! snacks at this age don't make them fat! please see a therapist. I have had enormous recovery and no longer think like this. good luck.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 10:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Give him more food. Every 4 hours is a long time. I give snack every hour or so to keep blood sugar up. Runs around, babbles and points? This is where you lose me, and it sounds off.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:16 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]When he was little we fed him whenever he woke up (bottle then food) and then exactly 4 hours later. If he woke up at 840, he ate again at 1240, and so on. We've continued this even after he stopped bottles. What's wrong with that? Snacks shouldn't be given so often between meals. They make kids fat.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Look. It is too long between meals for a 2yo. This is anonymous, and I am trying to help, not flame. Do you have eating disorder? Is this part of issue with your dh?
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Doctor told me a long time ago to feed every 4 hours. So I listen to doctor!
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:22 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Honestly, do you have problems with food yourself? Is this something you argue about with dh? Is it a problem that has got worse since you went back to work?
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:25 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: most books i've read have said 3 meals a day and 2 snacks. (toddler 411 is a good book for these sorts of basics imo). and snacking doesn't have to be unhealthy. my 2 yo often has raisins or fruit as a snack or cheerios, a granola bar etc. it doesn't have to be a cookie or candy
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
you have serious issues, no wonder your dc does. let him eat, don't worry about him being fat. how much does he weigh?
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:22 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]24.8 pounds.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]OMG, are you aware how underweight your child is?
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:25 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]The babbling thing, at this age, makes me feel you should talk to ped about having him evaluated.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]My ped said that since he walked just after his 1st birthday I don't have to worry about autism.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:28 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Oh goody. So everything is fine. But lets starve him so his brain won't develop. Better to be sn, rather than fat, right?
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:33 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]As a NYC pediatrician, I can honestly say with great sincerity that I do not believe that any of my colleagues would make this statement. While there are some characteristics of autism that begin early on, the brunt of symptoms become more apparent well after the 1st birthday. And walking in the mean range does NOT indicate that the child is not autistic. You sound like you need some serious help in real life. Please seek advise.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:33 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]What??
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 07:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
omg snacks do not make kids fat- where in the world did you get this mental idea? I'm so sad for your kid. Honestly they don't. CHeese sticks, crackers, fruit, raisins, etc they need snacks and there are healthy snacks. Even the occasional ice cream or chips.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 03:33 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Agreed. He's definitely starting to show spectrum-type behaviors. Get help ASAP.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP needs help ASAP as does child. cannot believe you are worried about him being fat. get help
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Totally. This kid sound like he has some issues
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 07:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
You feed him exactly 4 hours after his previous meal? Like when you did bottles? And you haven't increased his food intake since he was 9m and he's over 2? What's the matter with you?
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]There is some food issue here with OP. He is 2. He is meant to eat plenty of food.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:19 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Seriously, you are NUTS about this eating thing. Are you very regimented like this with everything in your life and with DS's? If so, I hate to say it but I think you may be contributing to the problem.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:20 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]http://simon.1gb.bg/printablee/veant.html Birthday Card Free Greeting Printable http://simon.1gb.bg/pitbull-49/ Pitbull Puppies http://simon.1gb.bg/yorkie-pba/ Yorkie Poo
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 10:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Wow, only 2yo I know that sleeps 14 hours a night.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 09:04 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
sounds really hard. do you stay home? if so, you may need some regular breaks (if you can afford it). it is like a collicky baby, you'll need to have time off in order to stay patient and loving. the more you embrace him, the more likely he is to start feeling secure and less scared. it feels like it will never end but it will. try not to fight about it either. it sucks, just commiserate and try not to blame one another, it's just who he is for a little while.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]i don't htink this is unusual at all.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I had a dc like this. Now much older and quite amazing at the few things he likes. It was very hard in the early years, but try to support his enthusiasms. Sometimes this sort of focus and reserve pays off - even if it means dc is the one who won't try things and seems like the hard one early on, when he won't do the dance at the bday party, or join the parade.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:14 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I want the kid who gets up to dance and play with other kids. I want him to be happy and fun and the kid other kids gravitate towards. I want him to be rowdy and like sports. I can tell already that he's not going to be any of that.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Not if you starve the poor kid, no wonder he is miserable and not developing. Jeez. We are group of experienced moms, and everyone is telling you the same thing. So listen. Do you want your dh to leave you, and get custody because you are abusing this kid? You need to deal with this, Now.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:30 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]It's time to turn that around and love him for exactly the funny little guy he is. Go with it. It will bear fruit. You cannot change him - but he can be the best kid of the sort he is, with your love and support. I cannot stress enough the need for you to let go of what you thought he should be.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:31 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]And by the way, I also ALWAYS feed my children as much healthy food as they want. They are self-regulating - so long as it's good food. Please trust him and his body more and stop reading books so literally. Let him tell you what he needs! He knows.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: this is a great answer. OP, you should be patient with your ds and let him take his time, discover things he loves etc. not all kids need to like sports and who knows what ds will be like if you don't put all these stressful expectations on him.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:36 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Why do you want him to be such specific things? You are not a very good mother -- you sound terribly narcissistic. That isn't the worst trait in the world -- plenty of people have that problem -- but it doesn't make you very fit for mothering. You are starving your child, not only of food, when he needs it, but of feeling that it's okay to be who he is, which is, evidently, not a party animal. He will grow up feeling "wimpy" -- your insulting term, which no two-year-old can possibly deserve, however much he detests amusement park rides or socializing with other kids. I send him love and support and hope you get help figuring out what parents do to support their children.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 06:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]MY DC sounds like the ideal DC for you. Is rowdy, loves sports loves rides and zoos, Dances all the time. Likes other kids oh and btw I feed him snacks on a regular basis. Including cookies!!
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 07:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
are you sahm? is this your only child?
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I was a SAHM. Didn't make many mom friends as I didn't connect with anyone. Then I went back to work and he was with a nanny, now in day care. Socialization not helping--he's the same way there.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]He may need more attention, one on one. A very caring nanny or staying home, if you wanted to, might help.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Hire someone from early childhood program at Bank St. Or Montessori.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't want to be home with him. I have no one to socialize with and my DS's personality is grating.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:24 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ita. you do not need to be sahm, but your child needs help. maybe a home daycare with less children and more attention for your ds
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:29 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Try not to blame yourself. Try not to fight with DH. Try to find activities/settings/foods that will work for DS, but don't push him and don't overinvest in making him happy; there's a limit to what you can do, and stressing will not help. And BTW, D's issues might bear some vague similarity to your personality, but I doubt that DH married someone who was that unhappy, and if he did, he has only himself to blame.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]DH says my personality has deteriorated since having DS. Says I didn't make friends while on maternity leave b/c of my personality. At first I thought he was wrong, but maybe he's right.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:14 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]your dh sounds like an awfully big talker.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]He makes fun of the fact that I made no mommy friends. My other friend who had a DC around the same time made tons of friends. I made none. I live in an area that has tons of new moms and dreamed about having tons of friends and I really made none. I think my DH is starting to think something is wrong with me.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:20 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Something is wrong with you. Get help.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 06:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Your DH sounds like an ass. Is it possible your DS is scared of his dad? Who tells his wife that her personality has deteriorated since having his child?
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:20 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]He's actually better when he's with my DH. DH is fun and outgoing. My husband is embarassed by DS's personality. Wants a fun laid back kid who handles adversity well. Ours doesn't.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]you need to speak to someone IRL. this doesn't sound very normal to me. partly b/c you are putting too much importance onto your 2yo's behavior. one or both of you is a little off, imo. is your ds in school at all?
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:29 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Day care, full time.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:30 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]do they think he's abnormally fearful? a lot of the examples you gave above seem very normal to me. and if it makes you feel better, i have a dc who was quite anxious. she's still anxious and needs to plan things out and think things over, but she's also very well liked and fairly popular. don't go overboard by expecting your 2yo to be a teenage "most popular" kid in the class.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:36 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Lets be honest, the wimpy kids get picked on, bullied, and like bugs. I don't want that kind of kid. I want the cool kid. I know I sound ridiculous, but that's what I wanted. And so does DH.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:38 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ok. you convinced me. fake post.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:40 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I am starting to think so too. Or else she is completely crazy and real, and will end up murdering her little 'disappointment'.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]it's completely fake. it started off very realistic (well done, op!) and then degenerated into "my kid is a wimp" and the food issues.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:44 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Jesus, after that poor baby was found today, I guess I am kind of a sucker for child abuse stories.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:47 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
np: this better be fake. if not, my heart really goes out to that poor kid.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:43 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]God, I hope so, too. Wrote a long reply but now am really hoping no one would be crazy enough to be such a bitch and then out herself.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 06:59 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]when did she out herself?
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 10:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]please God, let this be fake!!
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 10:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
?
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 09:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
omg. its not about what you want. its about creating a loving and nurturing enviroment so your ds can blossom. you can't make him into something he's not. just love him for who he is.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:40 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I've tried to do that, but its hard.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]i honestly think you need to see a therapist about this. you are putting all this pressure and expectations on a 2year old. he is so new to the world and it can be overwhelming - you need to guide him in discovering it. i have a ds the same age and yes, its hard, but you are going to drive yourself and your ds crazy. go to therapy and in the meantime, try to chill a little when with ds and follow his lead, even if you think it is stupid or silly.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:47 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
A DH who tells his wife that is trying to get her help because he knows there's a problem. I'll bet her personality has deteriorated since having him. She sound slike an anorexic wacko.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:38 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
To the OP: Please, please, please get yourself into therapy. Your DH is trying to help (albeit perhaps in the wrong way, but maybe he doesn't know better) and is obviously concerned. While you're in the market for help yourself, GET YOUR DS HELP ASAP! Have a full evaluation, have a visit to the pediatrician, and BE HONEST with the doc about all that you do. Please, for the sake of your DC!
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:29 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]yes, be honest about you worry about the child being fat and will only give him food every 4 hours
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:32 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
You have an eating disorder. Mostly it sounds like you need some counseling for yourself but I worry that you have harmed your DS with your own anxiety about your personality and your absurd approach to feeding your toddler. Really, this is coming from a thin person with thin children, toddlers eat constantly. Snacks all the time. Whenever they say they are hungry, pull out the fruits, the veggies, the milk, the yogurt, the cheese, some whole wheat toast, healthy crackers... He needs lots of food right now! Get a clue please for the health of your tiny one.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I have a graduate degree in mental health so I am speaking from some ed. and experience. You sound like you have psych issues yourself that you are passing onto your child. You are making him "nuts" about food; he shouldn't have to wait four hours to eat; he should not have to be begging for snacks when other kids are getting them. This is your first thing to accomplish - stop denying him his need to feel comfortable with food. If you truly care about your child, begin giving him food so he's satisfied TODAY. And see where that leads him. No wonder this kid is so miserable. Next, PLEASE get help for yourself; you need a good counselor to work with you on life issues.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 09:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Also, you should know that your approach to giving your child your version of healthy eating habits is going to backfire. You are taking a perfect child with normal hunger cues and screwing up his ability to know when he is hungry. He is likely to grow up with the same obsession with food that you have which could either simply make him struggle with eating or it could end up encouraging him to overeat when given the chance.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 09:58 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]in our psych class, our prof told us there are three types of temperaments (something like friendly, slow to warm up, and avoidant...not sure exact terms) and when they tested people as infants then as adults, most of them retained the same temperament. so i really do think it's often genetic. some kids might get friendlier, but they are still not as 'naturally' outgoing as those born giggly cuddly babies. also, maybe the kid has low blood sugar cuz ur overregulating his food and he gets irritable.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 09:58 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ita about the low blood sugar because she won't give him the food he craves. it's a crying shame that people cannot get "i am not a nutcase clearance" before they are allowed to have children. this kid shouldn't have to be put through this.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 10:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
She keeps saying that her son's personality is "grating". Did it ever occur to you that it's you that have the grating personality and are causing his problems because of your obsessiveness over food control. The way you are treating him is abormal. Give him good food when he wants it. I'm actually relieved to read that he's in daycare full day (and I don't usually agree with this but in your case it's a good thing) so someone is giving him some food during the day. I don't even know you, but I'd like to have your child stay with me for two months to get him happy with food and lose the nervousness that you have induced in him over it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 10:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: OP you say the doctor told you to feed every four hours. You don't seem to understand that even if a doctor did actually say those words to you, they were meant for a baby not a toddler. You are seriously malnourishing your child and causing him harm. Who knows how he would be behaving if you hadn't been starving him? He might act totally differently if you fed him properly. You know those other kids getting snack from their moms who are happy and well adjusted. Look to yourself, you caused this problem. Go get help right away. If you don't, I hope one of your neighbors or your day care call social services and someone intervenes to help your child. Your dh needs to step up and do something about this if you won't.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 03:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I was preparing an answer about how you and your dh are stuck in a really pathological cycle here and then I read the comment, "I want the cool kid", and now I don't believe you anymore, unless someone else is posting and pretending to be you. Fake.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 07:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]oh, I really hope this is fake. it's breaking my heart.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 10:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
You and your dh sound like uptight control freaks who are placing a lot of pressure on an innocent TODDLER to fulfill your expectations. Get HELP, up to and including anti-anxiety meds.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 07:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]This is a fake post. Stop answering so it can go away.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 07:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Voice of reason here: your kid is 2! That is a tough age and I don't think it has any bearing on how your DS will turn out personality-wise. Everything changes all the time. I think at 2 yrs a kid is allowed to be scared of things or tearful. Your DS is still so very young. Your DH needs to stop talking so much crap all the time.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 07:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]My son was like this, it will pass. He's 6 now and a joy. Does so much for himself, is happy to go on outings with any member of the family, well adjusted and fun to be around. Don't worry-mine was also clingy and whiny at two years old.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 07:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]My younger sister, the 4th child, was like this until she was 4 yo. Was pretty much a scaredy cat until middle school, discovered she was a champion runner and really broke out of her shell. Now she's got a phd in health care policy.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 07:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]At 2, it's not fair to talk about the child's personality. His behavior is a direct reflection of your parenting. Examine yourself and your husband, and how you approach your child. Then you will begin to understand why he does the things he does. Sorry if this sounds harsh.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 10:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^^ Signed - Practicing Developmental Psychologist who is tired of parents criticizing their toddler's "personality" without doing anything to correct their parenting styles.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 10:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]like other poster said, THIS IS A FAKE POST. STOP ANSWERING IT SO IT WILL GO AWAY
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 10:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]how do you know it's fake?
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 01:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
OP- what do you do for a living? Do you have any friends you can talk to about this who may be in the education field?
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 01:39 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]You complain that you didn't make any mom-friends, yet you expect your ds to be very social. He probably does take after you. Do you have Asberger's by any chance? Are you a loner? I'm sure there are some very wonderful things about your ds, yet you haven't mentioned them, or you are not aware of them. He may be creative- an artist, musician, writer. It's oK to be a loner. Love him as he is! However, please FEED him!
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 07:51 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I have been there, done that. My DS went through an anxious whiny crying period. I hope this is not the case for you, but sometimes behavior is information. In his case, my DS was trying to tell us he was acting terrified because someone was terrifying him. His nanny had sexually assaulted him. Before he told us about it, I bought books about children's anxiety, talked to friends, etc. trying to figure out why my DS was so anxious. Nothing prepared me for what he said when I sat down with him after a night terror and asked him why he was sad and scared. Sometimes, the answer to why a child is acting upset is right in front of you. Talk to your kid. Ask him about his fears. If he's afraid of Elmo (I think you mentioned Sesame Street as something that once triggered a panic attack), or any other specific fears, go further and ask him what those things mean. You may need to switch caregivers. I'm not saying I know the specifics of your situation; I'm just saying your son may be trying to tell you something. And, on a different note, read, "Parenting From The Inside Out." It will help you realize that part of the extreme reaction you're having to your son's anxiety and vulnerability is based on your own history. Some parents are repulsed by feelings that they themselves find intolerable experiencing. And, perhaps, most importantly, find a good family therapist. Good luck.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 09:39 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] I am having a hard time making a decision on whether to have another baby or let DC (... 20 replies
- I've never met an only child (as an adult) say they loved being an only child. It was amazing for me to grow up with a...
- I agree, generally. However, my child would be at least 6 before any new baby arrived. It will be like having 2 only children. So, I feel that boat has sailed for me no matter what....
- i pretty much loved being an only child. Still do....
Talk : : November 05, 2009
I am having a hard time making a decision on whether to have another baby or let DC (5 yrs old) be an only child. If you had this dilema, how did you resolve it and what helped you decide? Many Thanks!
20 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.05.09, 10:15 AM [ Flag ]I rolled the dice. DD is 2 and I am due with #2 in December. Nature made the decision for me and I couldn't be happier.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 10:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]similar here except kids are 4 years apart. but if you really aren'ts ure, i'mnot sure i'd advise trying. and definitely not unless your husband wants another kid.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 10:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]DH is *exactly* in the same spot as I am: feels happy with what we have, completely agnostic as to having another one.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 10:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]spend time with some babies, if you can. when i was on the fence i loved babies and i realized i wanted another one. aftr my 2d? i am so done with babies.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 10:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
dh and i felt we were probably too old and too poor for another. then he had a life-threatening illness and that was that. there's no way i could raise two on my own. no regrets. our only is a joy and we feel lucky to have him.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 10:20 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I love my job and my sanity, just wouldn't be able to deal with a #2, so DS will be an only and survive.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 10:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]moi aussi
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 10:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't "love" my job, I like it well enough and I make good money. There's so much i want to do with my life still, and I feel adding a baby now that DC is a mini adult and so much fun, I just don't know...
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 10:32 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
how old are you? is 5 yr old high or low maintenance? can you afford another without making changes in present lifestyle?
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 10:31 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]32. 5 year old is a dream child, but I do not see him enough (work long hours) so I am very protective of that time. Though I would go part time if and when baby #2 arrived.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 10:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]mine are 2 years apart and i would tell anyone if they could wait, wait until the older one is a least 5 yrs old. if you can truly go part time with #2, i might consider it. it's a lot more work with 2, and it's a struggle to divide your time between them. ask yourself honestly, do you want another sweet little one, but don't forget you will have to start all over with the sleepless nights, diaper changes, feeding issues, potty training, etc. the smooth sailing you have now will be a distant memory for a good while! i am only child and my mom had it so great. it's a whole different ballgame with 2, she will agree.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 10:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I've never met an only child (as an adult) say they loved being an only child. It was amazing for me to grow up with a sibling and now as our parents are getting older, I can't imagine being alone at it all, as I depend on older brother to share responsibilities and burdens, and joys etc. I want this for my own child. I definitely want a sibling for him.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 10:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I agree, generally. However, my child would be at least 6 before any new baby arrived. It will be like having 2 only children. So, I feel that boat has sailed for me no matter what.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 11:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i pretty much loved being an only child. Still do.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 11:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I grew up as an only and while I wanted a sibling as a little kid, I was fine being an only by the time I got to HS. I was perfectly content to have 1, but DH wanted another. I'm not sure if I would ever have been able to decide to do it, but we had a "surprise". They are 5 years apart. I love the baby, I love the relationship the kids have with eachother - older one ADORES being a big brother. But honestly, it's very hard for me. If you have limited time, esp during the week, it's much more noticeable once you have a baby AND an older dc. If you can afford a lot of extra help, that makes it easier, but still, I find that sometimes the only way to do it was to hand the baby off to nanny, grandparent, etc. adn that seemed unfair. Other times, it was easier to stay home with the baby and let dh do the activities w the older one but I don't like that either. You juggle. I hope when baby is older it will get easier. Good luck!
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 10:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP: I know. And I am a person that needs to do other things, classes, etc. I already feel spread too thin.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 10:59 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]then don't do it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 11:00 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA. Sounds like you already know.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 11:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]thanks. I am also sort of letting nature take its course. If this cycle did not work, I'm taking measures.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 11:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
We said it's now-or-never, so lets not be careful, and I got pregnant. It was really a surprise b/c it took so long with #1. I'm 39 and 17wks preg. And I think, honestly, that we all just plan things too much. Sometimes you have to go with it. Which is not the same as doing something you KNOW you don't want to do. i.e. I KNOW we don't want a third so we'll make sure *that* doesn't happen!
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 11:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Can someone explain the appeal of boarding school? 69 replies
- you are looking for a co-ed traditional education for your child and a strong athletic program (or just have a boy...only will consider top-name schools, and make silly justifications for that...wanted to go to boarding school. She is an only child who LOVED sleepaway camp and essentially saw boarding...about "sending" kids to boarding school, when actually the child is front and center in the application process. From...
Talk : : November 04, 2009
Can someone explain the appeal of boarding school?
69 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.04.09, 08:06 PM [ Flag ]It is like summer camp, but you study.
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Your home can be quiet again
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Why would you want that? Doesn't college come soon enough? Maybe I'm just a baby...
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I wouldn't want that. I was being sarcastic. I do not understand the appeal of boarding school. Maybe I understand it from the dc point of view....freedom, fun etc. but now that I'm a parent, I say no way. Dcs grow up fast enough and I don't want to miss it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ok, glad to hear that. thought you were being honest, and I just couldn't relate.
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:19 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
It was a great option back in the day for my Dad who had alcoholic parents....and my Mom who lived far away from decent schools
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]For a family with an Olympic-caliber athlete it can be the only way to get an education in around training; for an ex-pat family it can be the only way DCs can get an American HS education while parents are working abroad; for rural families, it can be a way to get DCs a decent HS education without having to move the family off the ranch in the middle of nowhere and for some families it's just tradition.
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: that's a very good explanation. you did forget one group though: for a family who is looking to impress, it's a status thing.
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I am a boarding school grad, and this is the perception from the outside, not the inside. Families make the choice for many different reasons, and this just doesn't factor. But nice way to judge.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 05:31 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I didn't say this was everyone's reason, but definitely some people do it because it looks good. I have a nephew who is at boarding school right now for this reason. Of course, they're not going to admit that's the reason, but the signs are always the same... only will consider top-name schools, and make silly justifications for that, and if they don't get in to those particular schools, they suddenly decide it would be best to just stay put. I think you are naive to think this never factors in.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Perhaps they just think boarding schools are an alternative if they are the "best" schools. I would send dc to Andover in a heartbeat over Trinity if I thought it was a good choice for him. And not because of Andover's name, but because it is a fabulous school.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]perhaps, but it's no news flash that there are a lot of "brand name" people out there. Have you seen how many people on UB are dying for their kids to get into an Ivy? Not a particular Ivy, just any Ivy.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: love this point. As if all Ivies are interchangeable.
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 02:54 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
OP: i agree, that was a good explanation. Whenever I hear someone in Manhattan mention that their child is going to boarding school the first silent question that pops into my head is "why?"
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]those DCs usually fall into the tradition category or into the "mom & dad divorced and their new spouses don't want the DCs around" category.
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:22 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Your child will study in the evening from 8 to 10PM with no internet, phones, ipods, music or TV.
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:16 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^^ From what I hear, your child has the chance for a more balanced life. There's less homework and activities like athletics and drama are structured into daily life: they're not conflicts to be squeezed in. It can get really crazy for kids here in the city
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:24 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]then smoke dope
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:25 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ita. lots of trouble to get into.
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Where?
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Then there's a brief relaxation period in the dorms followed by lights out. Breakfast is at 7 the next morning. No commute.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 03:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]hahs! yes, according to dh, who went to boarding school, they drank and smoked dope in their rooms from 8 to 10 p.m.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
that sounds awful
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 06:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Is this a loaded question, or are you really soliciting opinions? I am a mom who really wants her kids to go to boarding school and would like to share my reasons, but not looking to take the bait if you're just looking for pro-boarding moms to flame.
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]It's like college for kiddies. Every person I know who went to boarding school lived faster and grew up faster than those of us at home with our families (and did get into lots of trouble, had lots of 'hook-ups', did lots of drugs- even if they didn't get caught)
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:31 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:35 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA. Was at Harvard with a lot of them. Not all did drugs -- though many more did than at regular privates, imo -- but they were all more sophisticated in some ways. Less sheltered.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:08 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
and what about the kids who stayed at home? Seriously--you think that they were "not" hooking up, doing drugs, etc.? I didn't go to boarding school but have friends who did--Exeter, Andover--and it was amazing. Definitely like college, academically rigorous and yes, some partying, but pretty minor.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 05:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
op: that's a fair question. maybe it is a bit loaded, although I'm not looking to start a flame war. in all honesty, when i hear someone is being sent to boarding school i have a strong internal reaction - i guess that's the part of me that had a hard time accepting my dd would be going to school until 2:30 every day in pre-k. I have a hard time with the passage of time and thinking about dd growing up and someday leaving me. I recognize this is not a fair reaction though, given that I really know nothing about boarding schools. I was honestly seeking feedback on the reasons people choose it. Not trying to start a war, hoping to get some honest answers and open my mind a bit. I tend to have closed-minded knee-jerk reactions to a few particular issues.
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:41 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]OR: Whew, glad I asked. I'm not walking into THAT trap.
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]op: so be it. Not a trap. Not going to flame. Would love to hear your thoughts on it, but if you're not comfortable, then don't. My other preconceived notions were about UES ss schools and how that was the antithesis of what we want/value. UB discussion actually convinced me to check them out rather than writing them off sight-unseen. I like having my mind changed. It doesn't happen often, but there are times when it's obvious to me that I need to open it a bit.
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]my dc is in tt high school, and would probably have been happier and more focused at a boarding school. More time for sports etc too. Too late now though....
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:58 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Don't be so sure. It depends on the kid and where dc is from, too. My friend's dd just moved from a tt private in nyc to a boarding school in the middle of nowhere and she is very homesick now. She misses the hustle and bustle of nyc and her family.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 07:47 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Okay, I'll bite. My DD (now in 10th) wanted to go to boarding school. She is an only child who LOVED sleepaway camp and essentially saw boarding school as an opportunity to always be able to socialize. She's extremely social--a chatty kathy if you will--and this has been a fantastic experience for her. We are on FA and grateful for it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:08 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Great. If the kid wants boarding school, I think you need a pretty good (nonselfish) reason to oppose.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 03:01 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I had to go to boarding school, and I was so homesick, I cried myself to sleep for 3 years.
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:28 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]damn that is sad.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 07:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
everyone doesn't really want to be with their children.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 05:33 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]yep.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 07:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
If you are looking for a co-ed traditional education for your child and a strong athletic program (or just have a boy), your choices in New York are severely limited.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 05:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Oh please. NYC has some of the best schools in the country. And the sports thing is such a load of crap. Just try to come up with some names of successful professional athletes (or even college ones) that went to boarding school.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 07:10 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Of course NYC does, but for excellent co-ed traditionals you have 1 or 2 hill schools, 1 or 2 in Brooklyn and Trinity. And you are completely missing the point of athletics. For anyone who has actually been there, it is about the value of athletics on their own, not about becoming a professional. My husband and I are both 2 sport college athletes who work for firms in different fields that hire athletes whenever possible. It is about life skills and teamwork and is extremely valuable. Team sports in the city are terrible, with the exception of Horace Mann and Poly Prep.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]This is absurd. If you are talking about value of athletics on their own, there are tons of public high schools with excellent sports teams. Maybe if you are talking about niche sports like water polo or fencing you would need a boarding school, but for mainstream sports like football, basketball, soccer or baseball you can absolutely play on your public high school team and if you are good enough, you will be recruited for college too.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 09:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OF COURSE. But I am specifically talking about co-ed, traditional schools (NOT Dalton, St. Ann's, Fieldston) in NEW YORK CITY.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 04:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Well there is always Stuyvesant, or Bronx Sci, or Brooklyn Tech which seems to be the best sports-wise. Or do the schools that don't cost over 30K not count?
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 02:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
um, you don't have to deal with your kids during some of the most emotionally important and trying years of their life.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 07:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]College boyfriend went to boarding school after his father committed suicide. I think his mother saw it as a more stable environment than their home at the time.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 07:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]the kids i knew that went often had unstable or difficult family situations, for a variety of reasons. I think the aprents thought it would be easier for the kids, and i can't say they were all wrong. and in some families, its jsut traditionally what you do. if six generations have gone to exeter, then the seventh usually does too.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 07:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
My friend sent her dd to an all-girls boarding school when they were in the middle of a divorce. She figured her dd would be less affected that way.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 07:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]there are so many reasons and no generalities. my bil went b/c he really wanted to go to a more challenging school (he grew up in ohio and went to exeter). i have many friends from college who went, and some kids were great, others really screwed up and everything in between.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I think the appeal is to each individual child who chooses to go. (I dont believe in sending kids, unless there is a really big issue at home). For some kids the appeal IS escaping home life or parents, but for most it's the community, the friendships, the academic opportunities, the athletic opportunities, etc. I begged to go and they were 3 of the greatest years of my life.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]A friend wrote one of those Facebook things "25 things about me" and on his list was that going to boarding school for 4 years was the greatest gift he was ever given and he thanks his parents for it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Dh went because the local elementary school could not cope with him being advanced (he had been in a private school before ). He was bored and becoming disruptive. He loved boarding school and they could set appropriate level work
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:10 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Amazing facilities, campuses, athletics, academics... independence for kids... chance for kids to meet and be friends with people from all over the country and world instead of just knowing kids from a few blocks away. Went to boarding school and LOVED it!
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]FWIW, I went to one of the so-called TT boarding schools. Frankly, I get tired of people being so judgmental of parents who send their kids to boarding school. I had the opportunity to attend a great private school in the DC area, but opted to go to boarding school because the academic, athletic, and enrichment opportunities offered at the school were simply unbelievable. I didn't go because my parents wanted to kick me out of the house. If anything, my relationship with my family is stronger now because I got to do some of my growing up away from them. Was it tough being away from home at 15? Absolutely. Were there students engaging in drugs/alcohol/sex there? Absolutely, though not everyone was doing this, and I don't believe the situation is any worse in, say, the NYC privates or the pricier NYC suburbs. If anything, depending on which boarding school you go to, it may be harder for kids to get their hands on drugs and alcohol or to consume them without being caught. Would I send my kids to boarding school? Only if they wanted to and if I thought they could handle it, because it certainly isn't for everyone. Would I personally go to boarding school if I had to do it all over again? Absolutely.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:13 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]BTDT: Many posters talk about "sending" kids to boarding school, when actually the child is front and center in the application process. From my experience, it is usually the personal choice of the child, as no school wants someone against their will. There are many, many reasons to want to go to boarding school. I wanted to escape my N-12 private and what I felt was a suffocating social/educational environment and went in 10th grade and was able to totally re-invent myself (in a good way!). it was fabulous, and there were zero issues at home and I had to really pressure my parents to let me go.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:15 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Posted above about my DD going and I second everything you're saying!
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:19 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I am a product of a boarding school - my parents didn't want me to witness the turmoil of their relationship. It worked out well for all involved.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 08:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I had a friend in high school who transferred to boarding school for 10th. She had gotten involved with a bad guy and a bad group of friends. Her parents wanted her to get a totally fresh start. It worked pretty well. I have another friend who had lived in 5 countried by the time she was looking at high schools. She just wanted to know that she wouldn't have to transfer schools when her mom's job moved.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 10:58 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Hey, I think I was friends w that first girl....
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 12:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I taught at a boarding school, and I found most students to be well-adjusted and "normal" teenagers. Yes, they got themselves into trouble at times, but with less frequency (because less opportunity) than their peers who were living at home and had access to the whole wide world. The boarding school was actually pretty sheltered. The parents were not as involved as at private day schools where I taught (thankfully), but they certainly cared about their kids.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 12:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I would have killed to go to boarding school when I was a teenager, but we couldn't afford it. I HATED my school, and there were no privates in our town.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 03:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]To get the hell away from mom and dad! Does it take a genius to figure that out? The best four years of my first 17-years on this earth!
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 03:25 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Friends' daughter goes to boarding school because it was by far the best HS she got into after finishing her K-8
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 04:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I went to boarding school and loved it overall. In general, it was a much brighter peer group than my local school and it was a culture where it was "ok to be smart." We had about 4 hours of homework a night and, while kids did get experiment with drugs or alcohol it wasn't any more than they would have at home. And it was done with more risk because they could be expelled if caught. It was a diverse population, including international kids, and most seemed to be there because they needed a more challenging environment than their local school could offer. If there were kids there just because of "their parents' messy divorce," they'd never been able to handle the academics and would have left after a year. More kids with exceptional talents than at my local school. Artists, athletes, actors, writers, iconoclasts. Close relationships with teachers. Unbelievable facilities. And most all of the kids went to good colleges. Really an amazing opportunity. I'm still close with many friends from boarding school.
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 07:35 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
OP: Wow. I haven't logged on in a day or so and I can't believe how this thread has grown. Thanks to all who answered honestly (and did not flame)!
[ Reply | Options ]11.05.09, 07:45 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]My dc went to boarding school because: Dc had been in same private since pre-k and needed a change, did not like dc's peer group, no other option in our city was a good fit for dc, and dc was accepted into world class, tt boarding schools. We only allowed dc to go, because we have a very close relationship with dc and did not feel like we would lose closeness. Also, dc is very motivated and independent -- never had to help dc with homework EVER or even remind dc to do it and I was sick of dc competing with friends whose parents helped (I thought too much) with homework, projects etc. DC WANTED the challenge and experience of boarding school. Now, dc's has friends from all over the world; school is extremely challenging, and we remain a very close family. Although we miss dc terrible, we know that boarding school is providing an unmatchable experience. For the right kid, a tt boarding school (Exeter, Andover, Hotchkiss, Choate, Deerfield, St. Pauls etc.) is an amazing gift.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 04:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]mom isn't there.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:08 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]My D started boarding school this year, coming from a NY private. Wasn't in our plans, but she really wanted to look into it. Requested catalogs, did visits, applied to a few and was accepted at her first choice. Now it was our turn to get serious. We visited, asked dozens of friends and teachers, and ultimately, though the decision to leave NY was difficult, she decided to go. The appeal, from her perspective, is the depth of opportunities in the curriculum. She's very academically minded, so all the choices in classes really appeal to her. And because of need blind admission and financial aid, we can afford to let her go. So far, she's very happy.
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 02:31 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] dh has spent the admissions season dealing with a major crisis at work and his ailing... 36 replies
- for kindergarten and really they should be assessing the CHILD, one parent's failure to show due to a...) really shouldn't be an issue. It's only because of the culture that these schools have...
- They assess the child AND the family! Besides, we're talking about...on the CHILD. At Anderson (3 years ago), my child was "evaluated" if you will, but they showed...and ER all fall) and he's the only child in the family. fortunately for us,DH...
Talk : : November 03, 2009
dh has spent the admissions season dealing with a major crisis at work and his ailing mother. he trusts me to report to him about the schools, and even to handle the interviews. And these things seem more important to me than the school stuff. But I know the admissions people are not going to agree...
36 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.03.09, 07:01 PM [ Flag ]does he show up for interviews?
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:01 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]he has made it to some but not others.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Have him make it to the important ones, and whoever is handling making the doctors apps, make sure they are aware of the dates he has to show up for.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]It's hard to predict which tours will be important in advance though...we keep getting surprised by which we like and don't like.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]just have him try for the interviews (and if you are applying to St B's, the tour since there is no formal interview). They would probably be more understanding about the tours. Also, you could have PSD mention to schools that you guys are normally involved at school, etc.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
maybe during interviews, you should mention that MIL is very ill/in hospital, etc and that is why DH can't attend.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Where's his mom? Fwiw, LOTS of people have major stuff going on at work--you won't get any sympathy about that.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]she's in NYC. lots of dr appointments, etc. we are the primary caregivers.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Can't you make the appointments around the interviews? How many schools are you applying to?
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:20 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]7 schools - have been doing our best but his attendance record is def not 100%.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Does mil live with you? If not, who takes care of her?
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]yes - lives with us
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:29 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Disgusting that the schools admissions officers wouldn't understand. I know you want your kid to get into a great school, but you have to wonder about what kind of school it is when the people who run the school have such skewed priorities. You sound like a supportive wife and your dh is a great son to his mom. I'm sure karma will play out and your child will do just fine.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]np Do you have any idea how many people have issues similar to OP's? Most schools have HUNDREDS of applicants to assess inside a 4.5 month period; they can't cater to everyone's schedule. I'm sure a death in the family WOULD rate a reschedule, but doctor's appointments can surely be made around the school appointments (or if they were made long ago, the school appointments shouldn't have been made to conflict).
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:24 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I do, but considering these are admissions for kindergarten and really they should be assessing the CHILD, one parent's failure to show due to a valid reason (work-related as well) really shouldn't be an issue. It's only because of the culture that these schools have perpetuated (and that parents have bought into) that this it is considered reasonable to have to jump through such ridiculous hoops to the exclusion of probably more important commitments. All of the people who have ailing families, real work issues, etc. should not have to drop those greater commitments to kiss some DOA's butt.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:29 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Well said. If DOA's take parental presence into account, they are just worried about number of involved parents and what it means for fund raising. I don't think school playdates trumps an ailing parent who needs help.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]They assess the child AND the family! Besides, we're talking about seven interviews TOTAL for Op's dh--he doesn't need to go to playdates or other events. I'm curious about who takes care of OP's mil when her dh is at work and she (OP) is taking dc to playdates.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:39 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Yes, they assess the family as well, I understand that and I think a son who misses a meeting to take care of his ailing mother speaks as well of the family (or better of a family) than a man who throws his mom under the bus so he can go make nice and impress a DOA who may end up dinging his kid anyway. OP, I still think you are handling this as well as you can and if you can show that you are an involved mother and your family is cohesive (so much so your dh is responsible for his mom) that should be enough. If not, then the school sucks, not you or your child.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 08:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
NP: have you ever tried to schedule multiple appointments with specialists and coordinating them with labs and diagnostics? Many specialists will not see you until certain lab work is done, others are backed up for weeks and a last minute cancellations are few and far between. When the cardiac surgeon who specializes in the procedure you need done tells you that your appointment is on Monday at 8:30am that's when you go - it's not negotiable, unless you are willing to wait another month. If OP's DH is dealing with a seriously ill parent, that's how it goes (BTDT, only it was my DH and it was oncologists and yes, he's fine and it was when DC was a toddler). It's not like scheduling a cleaning at your dentist.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:40 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]op: ty. mil is in a special drug trial and it requires many appointments and caregiver has to attend all.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 08:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]GL to her and to your entire family.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 08:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
big deal, lots of people have lots of things going on
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:19 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I agree with above poster that admissions should focus on the CHILD. At Anderson (3 years ago), my child was "evaluated" if you will, but they showed absolutely no interest in me. They didn't care if a babysitter showed up-- they didn't even know who I was. The focus on the parents is about something other than educating the child. Endowment perhaps?
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:50 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]It's about admitting the "right" families which is such BS.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:53 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]np LOL. They could figure that out by Googling. Pretty reasonable to speak to BOTH parents when a family is wanting to join a private school community. Also helps them avoid pita types.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:56 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Still, the focus should be on the child. A private school community that selects parents turns me off.
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 09:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: schools are looking for families that share their values and that will support the school and their child. They are not looking at the parent's clothing and jewelry. That being said, I hope to God that my dcs' school selects strong, down-to-earth families, because some of the total PITA parents at pre-school really suck the joy out of the school community.
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 10:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Does your PSD know? We had a big family crisis while DC was applying to K (my parents were in a car accident and were seriously injured) and PSD told the schools what was going on (and I think that she may have even mentioned it in the school report). I was able to get to all of the interviews (but that was luck). Hang in there. GL.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 07:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: I'm sorry, but the fact that you have to post something like this is riduculous. It's insane that parents have to consider these things. Schools, regardless of how much applicants they have, need to be sensitive to issues like these. If they are not, you probably don't belong there. When I went for tt interview last year, I was alone, and we got in. Dh was away on business. If I were you, and DH absolutely couldn't make it, I'd just tell them (for interview NOT for tour) that MIL is having a major operation today and that DH has to be with her. For the tours, I would encourage him to come, but if he can't tell them MIL is ill. Tours are not as serious as the interviews. C,mon. Good luck OP
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 02:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Well, my dh travels a lot for work and his schedule is not his own. I had a discussion with my psd and she said that it is just a fact and most schools understand. I gave all the schools the heads up that I would try to fit it with my husband's schedule but there was a chance that he wouldn't be able to make it. I had 7 parent interviews-- only 3 with dh. One was a Babby interview, btw, and she was very understanding.
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 10:33 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]listen you don't know what Babby was thinking--what did you expect...her to give you a blasting....its always better for DH to be there but..it is what it is...
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 10:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I think that based on the fact that she already knew that my dh couldn't be there she could have passed me on to someone else for the interview. I didn't get the sense that it was a ding because he wasn't there.
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 11:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i don't disagree, my only point is that she would not have told you--but your right you did not get relegated to the basement so good luck..
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 11:33 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I feel sorry for you. We're dealing with much the same --applying to schools and DH's mother is dying (terminally ill--in and out of hospital and ER all fall) and he's the only child in the family. fortunately for us,DH does not also have a work crisis at the same time and MIL does not live with us. It is EXTREMELY stressful nonetheless. We have not mentioned it to any schools. I wish you luck
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 11:00 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]My husband was not able to attend interviews due to work travel and dc was accepted at tt'c applied to.
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 11:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Here is yet another question regarding the OLSAT: is it worth having my son (4) doing... 11 replies
- kindergarten test study system. Its a system created to help familiarize your child with the types of skills/questions he/she will be evaluated on for the...you are targeting a specific weak point, it is good for Bracken if your child does not know letters, numbers, colors, shapes etc...they are in the same class - but tell me you didn't give child alot of day to day learning experiences, I know I did....
Talk : : November 03, 2009
Here is yet another question regarding the OLSAT: is it worth having my son (4) doing any type of prep work for the exam? I have no problem picking up a review at Barnes & Noble, but I am reluctant to send him to a kiddie Princeton Review - I just think it is overkill. He is our only child, verbal, beginning to read, etc. Am I foolish to think that he'll score just fine on the OLSAT without any sort of prepping?
11 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.03.09, 05:54 PM [ Flag ]What's a kiddie princetton review?
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 05:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]if you live in a bad zone and want to get into a G&T prep and prep often. i wouldn't go as far at the Princeton Review but might consider it if i live in a bad zone.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 05:58 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]depends on the kid. You don't want to overprep and risk that he'll refuse to take the test or will misbehave because he's so tired of it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 06:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]We used KTSS, and our dd was receptive to it. But we broke it up into 15-20 minute segments and as soon as she got tired of it, we put it away. Some kids will not want to prep with you, in which case you shouldn't push them.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 06:04 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Could you define "KTSS" and "dd?" New to the lingo.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 06:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]KTSS...kindergarten test study system. Its a system created to help familiarize your child with the types of skills/questions he/she will be evaluated on for the ERB/OLSTAT/SB tests. As a private tutor, I use it as one of the many tools for prepping students for the test, but many parents use it as well. No idea what dd means, OR will hopefully answer that one.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 06:41 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]dd = dear daughter
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 06:48 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
available guides are KTSS, Bright Kids, Junior Test Prep - Book store stuff is fairly useless for OLSAT - unless you are targeting a specific weak point, it is good for Bracken if your child does not know letters, numbers, colors, shapes etc... but honestly if they do not know that at this point I don't see how they can score high on OLSAT, sorry if that is harsh.
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 07:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
my DC did. i did the prep test with her once, she scored 99 and now goes to NEST.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 06:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]same here maybe they are in the same class - but tell me you didn't give child alot of day to day learning experiences, I know I did.
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 07:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
It ALL depends on what your backup plan is. Especially for a ds, if you NEED a good result then by all means prep. My ds is gifted and in 3rd grade now, but he bombed the OLSAT I think because it required more attention to boring detail than he was able to deliver at age 4. Scored in the 80s but aced other tests. We had to scramble when we saw how low his OLSAT was. Nothing in life is a guarantee. If your ds does uncharacteristically poorly, and you failed to prep him, how will you feel? OTOH if you prep him, no matter what happens you will know you gave him the best shot.
[ Reply | Options ]11.04.09, 08:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] The only child post has got me thinking: MIL pushes hard for tons of grandkids and u... 1 reply
Talk : : November 03, 2009
The only child post has got me thinking: MIL pushes hard for tons of grandkids and uses the sibling argument all the time. Totally funny b/c she did not invite either of her siblings to our wedding and FIL didn't invite his sister either! If there is one thing I've learned, it is that you can't generalize. Some sibling relationships are great, some not so much...
1 reply [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.03.09, 12:13 PM [ Flag ]Agreed. Love my younger brother and could live without my older one.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 12:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Please convince me that it's ok that my dc will be an only. 33 replies
- depends on the unique relationship between the parent/child and their personalities....
- astronauts have in common with each other -- only children....
- I'm an only child and it really makes it harder. Older...DH is one of five. We are the only ones who help his mother....
- AP article. It sites that they are predominantly only or first borns. ( That is just the first...
Talk : : November 03, 2009
Please convince me that it's ok that my dc will be an only.
33 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.03.09, 10:01 AM [ Flag ]this question struck me as odd, even though i've seen it a lot of times. what about your and your wants? do you think you'll be ok as a mom of an only?
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i feel obligated to give him a sibling. I imagine loneliness... I grew up with two siblings in a shared bedroom so the idea of not having anyone else to fight or bond with regularly is unfamiliar to me...I apologize if this is an incredibly ignorant question but so many people have made it their business to underscore the importance of my giving my dc another brother/sister. I would love to and if I could, I'd have another four or five but our finances are extremely tight and obviously not something I care to broadcast to others...besides which, I already know the response would be that you would find a way. I don't want to be in that position if we can help it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i personally think finances are not worth it if you wanted another dc. but that being said, the only way to be happy with the decision is to highlight the positives and minimize the negatives. and that goes if you have one dc, 3dc, or 10dc.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Sounds like your reasoning is absolutely rational and sensible. There are tons of onlies in NYC and they grow up just fine. Your DC will be just fine. The only thing I will say (as the mother of an only) is that you will have to give him/her more attention than if you had two and could just say, "Go play."
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP I am an only and so are many of my friends. It's FINE and I do think we tend to have an easier time of it making friends, since our friends are like family to us! I don't tihnk being an only is bad AT ALL. That said, if you have any family around, it might be nice to make an effort to see them now and then. I am very close with my older cousin (she is like a sister to me). PS If you have a house of love and happiness trust me your kid won't be lonely. I do think being an only is tough when things in the home are tough (divorce, illness) but maybe that is the case even if you have a sibling!
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Nope - b/c it is obvious that you don't think he will be. I can't tell what annoys me more - the people who assume my dd will be a spoiled rotten brat or people like you who don't think she'll be "okay" b/c she doesn't have a sibling. FWIW - she's awesome.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]your dc will be ok as an only. you need to have confidence in your family make-up and let it go.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I grew up as an only child and I don't think the relationship is healthy between parents/child. Never felt lonely, it is just too much attention, too much pressure, too much of everything.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I was 1 of 3 and felt that way. It all depends on the unique relationship between the parent/child and their personalities.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Exactly. I am an only and my parents were definitely "helicopter" parents but I doubt that having a sibling would have changed this.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Every family is perfect the way it is. There are pros and cons to every situation--focus on the pros and forget about the cons. Your child will never know any different and though s/he may think they want a sibling, if they had them, they'd want to get rid of them (at least I did!!). Regardless, there's no family size that's "wrong"
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm an only and love it. It's not like we have leprosy you know
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:19 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I am an only, and so is my DH. As was my own father. So plenty of experience here! I can tell you that growing up as an only, I didn't feel the need to have siblings. What I may have lacked in sibling intimacy, I gained in being very close to my parents. I only started seeing the negative side when as an adult, I started making choices that were very much opposed to my parents' views, and saw their bitter disappointment. I *think* these transitions would have been easier had they not beeing thinking that *I* was their only chance. The other inconvenient now is that I see the heavy responsibility that lies on our shoulders: the two of us will have to take care of the four of them, on top of taking care of our own children. That feels like a lot. HOWEVER, there is no guarantee that any of this would have changed if I had siblings. I could have made the same decisions as an adult that would have disappointed my parents in exactly the same way, even if I'd had 5 siblings. It's possible that I'd be the only sibling willing to take care of my parents when they got older. So I don't think there's a right or wrong there at all. Your child will become a good person, have a happy life if you make your best effort in that direction, and your best effort involves so much more than having more than one child.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I hate ppl who whine abt caring for their parents. Good God, people.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:22 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]what are you talking about now? Good god people? so i guess you don't care about your parents and you don't wish that you own kids care about you. Congrats!
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Read much? I care about my parents and I most certainly would not whine about caring for them in their old age after all they've done for me
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm an only child and it really makes it harder. Older people get more difficult, I see my cousins, aunt gets upset one day with the one, the other day with the other, they love each other. In my case there is no alternative for my mother and myself. She has to come to me or be alone. It is not "whining" it is just a touch situation.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm an only child as well and I just don't see it as a burden
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]depends on the parents too, for me it is tough, not that i don t want to do it, but my mom always has something to say and complain so I would have prefered for her to have an alternative.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
It's a tough situation that can happen even if you have siblings. When my grandmother was getting to that "difficult" stage, the people my mother relied upon were my father and me. Her brother was not involved at all. Having siblings doesn't guarantee having help.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 05:39 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I am not whineing about taking care of my parents. In fact, both my DH and I feel it's our responsibility to do so. HOWEVER, in thinking of my experience as an only, I would say that this is one area where I do feel the weight of not being able to share this responsibility, particularly as I married an only.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP: if it helps for you to know, my DH is one of five. We are the only ones who help his mother.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]that what I meant, I *think* now that having a sibling would make it easier, but if I'm being honest, I have no idea that it would. None of the problems that I associate with being an only would necessarily have been improved had I had siblings. Number of siblings isn't the only factor. My mother, for instance, was way too involved in my life and has always taken every decision I've had to make far too personally. There's no knowing whether her attitude would have been different if I hadn't been an only.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]this is so good to know. my mother is the same and i am one of three. in fact, both my parents are this way...
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 11:05 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
The single greatest trait that astronauts have in common with each other -- only children.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]bs. my friend is an astronaut and has siblings, so, for that matter, does another acquaintance. please don't perpetuate nonsenses.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Well there you have it. It is not 100% so it must not be true. Here is an old AP article. It sites that they are predominantly only or first borns. (http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1298&dat=19620605&id=7ncQAAAAIBAJ&sjid=QIwDAAAAIBAJ&pg=7431,4572902) That is just the first thing I saw on Google. I'm sure there are others.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 11:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
i have my own family now and still have the bad habits of growing alone.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:31 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]in my situation i would have prefered to have siblings. I started feeling that the last years and not as a child. If you can affort to have 2 kids then why not. A friend was telling me that since the parents passed away he got more connected with the sister, the kids get together from time to time, you still know you have some relatives of yours, beside your kids. I think it is a little sad to stay with no family members.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP: why do you feel this way?
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]because the only family for my kids (beside us) are my SIL kids, not that great. and with her bad wedding we have nothing in common. It is a little sad. so i wish I had a sibling too, or an in law with a better family. It is nice for the kids to get together with cousins.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 10:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP: I understand where you are coming from. As a child of three, one of my siblings has children but she always has her own agenda and thus I either rush to meet up with the on their time/terms or I miss the boat completely. It's sad, really. I just want the cousins to spend time together, too... I don't get along with DH's SIL side very well and his other siblings are pretty much to themselves (or rather, like my sister, it has to be on their terms/time), so that's out and that also makes me sad for dc...
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 11:08 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]obviously siblings don't always share the burden, they don't always get along, and their kids might not necessarily make nice cousins. but there is a good chance they will. without having a sibling, there is zero chance.
[ Reply | Options ]11.03.09, 05:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Men who desparately want baby girls instead of sons are bizarre. I would keep them u... 9 replies
- that they don't ever touch (in that way). Look at David Westerfield, he rapped and murdered that little 6 year old, he has a grown daughter who says he is incapable of doing something like that. My dh was an only child and really wanted a girl. He is a perfect father and trust me I know. I was molested as a child by my Uncle....
Talk : : November 02, 2009
Men who desparately want baby girls instead of sons are bizarre. I would keep them under my watch.
9 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.02.09, 05:04 PM [ Flag ]what about guys who don't care?
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 05:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]How about Gays who want to adopt boys??
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 05:22 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]How is this different from women who desperately want a baby boy or baby girl?
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 05:25 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP thinks they are being raised for Other Purposes.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 05:32 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]If OP thinks her DH is a pedophile, she should divorce him and not have kids with him. Obviously, you need to trust your spouse to have DCs together.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 05:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]YES. np
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 05:35 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
??
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 05:31 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]seriously
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 05:35 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Actually a lot of older pedophiles have daughters that they don't ever touch (in that way). Look at David Westerfield, he rapped and murdered that little 6 year old, he has a grown daughter who says he is incapable of doing something like that. My dh was an only child and really wanted a girl. He is a perfect father and trust me I know. I was molested as a child by my Uncle.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 05:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] I would like some help with perspective regarding my DD. She is 6yo and in 1st grade... 24 replies
- Is she an only child? Do you hang out with other families...good advice, imho. I have an anxious, shy child and he does much better with advance notice....people think would be good for such a child? One like ECFS that creates equality among the...play dates. However, it is important for a child to have good social interaction at school. Is...wore, I definitely shied away from them and only kept 1-2 girlfriends. 3...
Talk : : November 02, 2009
I would like some help with perspective regarding my DD. She is 6yo and in 1st grade. While she is generally happy and gets along with the other children in the class she has no close friends. She is never invited on play dates and when I ask her if she would like me to invite someone over she simply doesn’t answer my question. On weekends she is happy either going to a museum or staying home and reading or doing arts and crafts. She never says she wants to play with other kids. Whenever I’m at her school it seems like the other girls are all in groups and she is alone. I’m worried about her social development. My DH says that’s just her personality and I should let her be. What, if anything, should I do to help her? Or should I just leave it alone like my DH suggests?
24 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.02.09, 09:48 AM [ Flag ]this is definitely the sort of thing to discuss with her teacher -- ask pointed questions about her observations of her social role at school. also, was she in this school for k? what about her friends from last year?
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 09:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i would take more charge of inviting girls over. when i was little i always said i didnt want to invite over friends bec i was so scared they would not want to come bec i always thought nobody liked me. you might need to help her become more social so she can gain some confidence in this area. next time you are going to a museum, i'd say "so which friend should we invite along" or something. or ask her if she could tell you three girls she'd like to invite over, and you call the parents independent of her and arrange something with one of thiem. if you dont get started now, she will start to really get a complex once friendshipos really become cemented among other kids and shes left out.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 09:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Is she a shy child? Does she have other opportunities/ has she had opportunities to play one on one with other children her age?
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 09:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP - she is a little shy but this is different, she knows the children. She had friends in preschool and last year had one girl she played with but the girl moved.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 09:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i have boys, but i saw the 1st grader girls to be very mean, my son was telling me stories you cannot imagine. also we were at the same school for years but just when the girls turned 6 - 7 some of them they changed a lot. The boys are lost, do stupidities but they are not that mean. Maybe your daughter doesn't like the groups.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 10:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: I really think you need to talk to the teacher. Find out how she interacts with the other children. Is she socially anxious, or is there something going on with other children. (BTW, Im the mom of a shy 4yo dd. The post about mean 1st graders scared the crap out of me! I thought I had some time b/f I had to deal with that)
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 10:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: And try to make playdates w/out her knowledge and don't tell her until they're confirmed. Scheduling is tricky even for kids who are old friends so don't take it personally, but keep at it. Try calling the other moms/nannies and asking them to go to playground, museum etc. Or maybe try an afterschool program 1x a week at school - or even away from school. This way she'll meet other kids out of the classroom and maybe from other classes too.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 10:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I would value the time she wants to spend with you rather than panic. Try an occasional playdate and phrase it as, just thought we would see if you like it. I have a playdate crazed DD and sometimes she just needs to be with her family as those little girl dynamics can be quite something. Previous posters are right - gr 1 girls can be awful and mean, maybe your DD is just comfortable, confident and happy enough not having playdates. To each his or her own. I think there is too much emphasis on playdates - I wonder sometimes if kids can actually learn to be on their own and be content...with females especially you have to be able to remove yourself from the intricacies of relationships every once in a while. Just my thinking.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 10:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA, but it's sort of the idea that turning down an invitation but getting the invitation are two different things. I do not overschedule either but its undeniable that kids need to occasionally bond out of classroom setting.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 10:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Is she an only child? Do you hang out with other families on the weekend or generally spend time with just your family? Does she take any classes?
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 10:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]We have the same dd! Our dd often plays alone at school, but it doesn't bother her, so I am not letting it bother me. She is a homebody and does not like to leave the apt much on weekends. She has a few close friends, and that seems to be enough for her. Occasionally she will ask to set up a playdate with a friend.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 10:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP again. Thanks for all of the replies. For those of you who suggest setting up a playdate without her knowledge, are you speaking from experience. My DD is very stubborn and I'm worried that the playdate could be a disaster if she doesn't want it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 10:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: I think that is not good advice, imho. I have an anxious, shy child and he does much better with advance notice. Not to mention that it sends the message that you think something is wrong with your child.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 10:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I have a ds like this. He's happy to go to the playground and play with friends after school if I'm there, but he has zero interest in formal playdates. I'm fine with it. Forced socialization seems trying way too hard.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 11:02 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]my ds isn't too social w/friends at school (he has playdates with one or two of them every other week or so) but he enjoys playing with family friends' kids (same ages) or neighbors' kids. are those options for you?
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 12:47 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]My dd is similar, and it worries me a bit, too. I will say that she definitely wants input on any playdates I do schedule, and I'd be very very wary of springing one on her.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 03:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: I have a dd kinda like this, her problem is more not knowing how to navigate groups of kids. I'm wondering what type of schools people think would be good for such a child? One like ECFS that creates equality among the kids ( which could be bad in the long run) or a girls school like Spence that encourages girls to be outgoing and still works against cliques and bullying behavior? I am trying to decide where to put my energies and which school would foster more self esteem. Any thoughts are appreciated.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 04:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I have a ds who was very much like this. He always seemed content not having play dates and enjoyed doing art in his free time. I don't think all kids need or require play dates. However, it is important for a child to have good social interaction at school. Is she friendly with the kids at school and does she engage with them during recess? If yes, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Now my ds is older and he has a solid group of friends. He is also a very gifted artist who still likes to spend his free time doing creative things. That said, I would not have described him as anxious or shy, but more of a loner who liked to do his own thing. My dd, on the other hand, is way social. Some people just have different needs. My ds never needed a best friend and 1 or 2 friends were all he needed.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 04:29 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Yes, my dd sounds like your son, she is very much a march to her own drum type, likes kids but doesn't always get the group dynamic. She can pick up friends in the park but always has a great time on her own. she is also very bright and I just wish I knew which k we should shoot for. Thanks for your reassurance, it helps.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 04:36 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Is this a ss or co-Ed school? Could boys be her friends or are 6 yr old boys grossed out by girls already?
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 04:31 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I was like this growing up and I think it was a number of factors. 1) Do you and your DH have friends? Do you have an active social life? My parents had 0 friends, we never had people over for dinner, they never went out with other couples, basically, they came home after work and zonked out in front of the tv. 2) Has she gone through a growth spurt or any other physical change? I started getting boobs at 12 and the girls were terrible to me. Whispering about me being a slut. In elementary school, the girls were also terrible about the clothes I wore, I definitely shied away from them and only kept 1-2 girlfriends. 3
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 04:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]sorry...3) Does she seem to get along best with boys? This is me, yet at this age being friends with boys isn't ok. 4) Is she smarter/brighter than most? Kids pick up on this and are intimidated or don't care, but think that you won't "get them." This was a big problem with me. It's also hard when the teacher constantly singles you out. I found this brought a lot of criticisms from the girls. She will probably truly blossom in college, that's how it worked for me and many others.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 04:58 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I posted above in regard to not worrying about it...maybe your DD is confident and happy the way she is! Really! My DD is nuts for playdates, had one today and her question was, who's next mommy? She is crazy social, could make pals with a stone. Her parents are not quite like this, so there you go - it is all pretty individual. I like to spend time with her one and one...but she is a party animal, which makes my DH and I laugh, ruefully, because we have a lot of kids around we didn't produce...so be glad you have a child who is happy on her own. I really believe it is very individual and may have zero to do with the parents. You have to celebrate the individual, I really think you may have nothing to worry about.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 05:45 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I kept to myself. If she laughs and is interested in things let her be. I took interest in things most girls didn't. it is why we did not have things to talk about. Eventually i found out boys often had the same interests as I did. I didn't care about nail polish or dolls. I did care about science and engineering. And it has paid off. I run a business, I was the loner and now I am the employer.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 05:49 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] My partner and I live together, and have a 2 year old and a baby on the way. We are m... 34 replies
- Wait, hold on. The only reason you don't want to get married is because you...schools? It seems odd that your boyfriend wants the second child, but not get married. I can see with the one...
- op: Yeah, you'd think a planned child and marriage would go hand in hand, but not in...and his siblings were close in age, and get along really well, and he didn't want an only child, so he was on board for baby #2,...
Talk : : November 01, 2009
My partner and I live together, and have a 2 year old and a baby on the way. We are male/female, just not married or even engaged. We want to do private school, but wonder if not being married might cause schools to turn our family away? My partner claims he is just not ready for marriage, despite two kids??? His sister says a school like Episcopal will not consider us if we aren't married! Is this true?
34 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.01.09, 10:32 AM [ Flag ]How would they know?
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 10:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Good point. I was assuming that different last names would make it obvious, but that's not true. Many women keep their names, and the children's last names are a combo of the parents. His sister is just so mean to me. She doesn't want our kids to go to the same school as hers, even though hers are much older. We didn't even ask her for help, etc. Her youngest got in a lot of trouble in school, so we were hoping admissions would never even know we were related to them!
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 10:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I've been married for 15 years and have different name than dh and our dc has hyphenated name. No one will ask.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 05:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Your problem is larger than private school. "Just not ready"??? WTF??? Two kids and a live-in gf- if he's not ready now, he will never be!
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 10:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]op: We didn't want to rush things after dd, as she was a surprise. But #2, was planned, and I agree at this point, the idea of marriage should be something he needs to put some thought into.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 09:40 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I get deciding that a legal marriage is not something that's important to you and living together as spouses wo the marriage certificate. I do not get being committed enough to have 2 kdis with someone and not being "Ready" for marriage. Unless what he's saying is that he doesn't want to share his money! Once you have kids w someone they are in your life forever (in some capacity) married or not.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 10:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]You definitely will be looked down upon. Two parents who can't even commit to each other are not viewed as a stable family unit. It's a serious character flaw. Why aren't you married?
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 10:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]op: First pregnancy was an accident, and our focus was on the baby, me moving in with him, etc. Not overly concerned with getting married. We are both adults, and dealt with the consequences of our actions. Weren't trying to hide it with a shotgun marriage. Didn't want to rush things. This one was more planned, but a big fancy wedding is just not on our agenda. I guess we could just get the marriage certificate, but now we have a lot on our plate too, as we'll be moving into a bigger place uptown.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 10:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]A visit to City Hall takes 40 minutes. If you can't take 40 minutes to validate your union and un-bastardize your children, you might as well dissolve the family "unit" today.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 10:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]un-bastardize the children? are you from 1950?
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 11:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: flashbacks to the old board! Are you for real?
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 11:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]YoooHoooo. Kudos to you for saying what needed to be said.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 11:46 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]itta.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 03:48 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ditto
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 04:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
i have to say i agree. you don't need to have a big wedding in order to get married. in a way i can understand not understanding the need to get married legally, but on the other hand, i don't see how someone can not see the need.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 03:56 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]So...you think getting married will somehow serve to diminish her chances of breaking up with him? I don't agree.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 04:33 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Wait, hold on. The only reason you don't want to get married is because you don't want to plan a wedding? OK, then get married at the Muni Bldg and call it a day.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 05:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
you crack me up. not being married a character flaw? not worth arguing with a laughable point like that. i don't think the apps ask if you're married. you put down the same address and they assume you are. get off this woman's back.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 10:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I agree. We're engaged and when it came time for the applications it was obvious that we have different last names but we have the same address so when I went in for interviews they always referred to my fiance as "your husband." I don't think it was ever an issue, if they even noticed.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 04:44 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Agree here - more important to be with someone you love than the marriage docs. You just may want to do a little estate planning as it is a little different when you are not married, for the kids' sake. My feelings and relationship with my DH would not be different if we were unmarried. But I am unconventional in this way.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 10:19 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
We are in similar situation, though not married by mutual choice simply b/c it is something either of us cares about. We never mentioned it when applying and were never asked. It's assumed you are married. We have 3 dc and in my 2 older kids classes less than half of the moms have dh's name.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 11:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]op: No UB mom ever called you out and asked you if you forgot your wedding ring during one of the tours!?!?!
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 09:31 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]or: no one has ever asked me about that :) promise you won't have any issues with this.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 09:43 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]op: And did you apply to a wide range of schools? Episcopal is the "family" school, and it's a little more uptight than some others, according to my boyfriends sister. I guess plain and simple, if we aren't married by next Sept, then perhaps there are some schools that might not accept our family, and we'll be better off without them anyway.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 09:54 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I applied all over the UES. This was 5 years ago so I don't remember specifics. DD got into one of the church based schools and a couple of non-church based, one "tt" and a 2 okay.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 10:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I don't think it will matter. That said, if you want to get married but he "just is not ready" after two children... there is something very wrong.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 03:43 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I am not going to judge and married/not married bit. I'm an untraditional person so I say who cares. I wouldn't mention it and doubt anyone asks.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 04:24 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]We were like this and then when I became pregnant with #2, I demanded that we get married. It took about 2 hours out of our day. Not a big deal, just go do it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 05:00 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]op: How did you demand that you get married? He calls the shots, while I'd like to get married...I just don't want to deal with the "wedding." The city hall route might be our best option, and then not telling anyone. My family is from the Midwest, and if we got married and didn't invite them, they'd be so hurt. And there's no chance of a small wedding. A lot of people would be left out.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 09:29 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Waddya mean "he calls the shots"??? Don't you have 2 kids together? Time for evie-stevie if you ask me. It is a non-issue with the schools (lots of people have two different names), but seems like its a big issue on the homefront. I'll betcha there's more lopsidedness in this home than meets the eye...
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 09:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]op: He makes the money, he decides how money is spent, and what he does in his limited free time. If he doesn't want to show up at city hall for 15 minute ceremony, then he won't do it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 10:15 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
They don't ask for a marriage license! 75% of our class list has parents with different last names. You're overthinking.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 05:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Is this really more about YOU wanting your children to know that their mom and dad are married, more than the schools? It seems odd that your boyfriend wants the second child, but not get married. I can see with the one dc; but now with two?
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 01:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]op: Yeah, you'd think a planned child and marriage would go hand in hand, but not in his eyes. He and his siblings were close in age, and get along really well, and he didn't want an only child, so he was on board for baby #2, but we decided not to rush the marriage after the 1st one, and I guess he just doesn't feel it is that important. I feel more like two people raising kids together than an actual family.
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 10:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] I know that my child is very difficult in the pk class. i get called from the teacher... 32 replies
- mom's shoes. Their dcs come home complaining that your child shoved them, knocks over their towers, etc. They know...be at his best. The mom will see your child in a better light and understand more that he's only difficult sometimes. This will also do wonders for your...to respond to my efforts to arrange playdates. My child does not throw things at/shove other children and...well with adults (and us,) and he's an only child, so we can't practice this stuff at...
Talk : : October 30, 2009
I know that my child is very difficult in the pk class. i get called from the teacher all the time. We are working with the school and with outside professionals to get him better. I feel like I get the cold shoulder from a lot of other moms. Am I being sensitive or do they not like mw because my kid is a problem
32 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]10.30.09, 09:01 AM [ Flag ]describe "problem." signed, fellow mom of allegedly difficult pre-k kid.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 09:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]op pushing, wrecking other kids block buildings and game, physical stuff
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 09:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]And you're working on it, yes? Is school threatening to make you leave/not renew contract? (this happened to us and DC was NOT physical)...
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 09:10 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]not yet but I fear that's coming next
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 09:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]You're doing everything you can do. I would just swallow your pride and ignore the other moms for now. In a few years it won't matter. What matters - from reading this - is, maybe this is not the right school for your kid. When they threatened to kick us out I started to think - who the hell are these people?! and now they are letting us stay but we're applying other places anyhow.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 09:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
put yourself in the other mom's shoes. Their dcs come home complaining that your child shoved them, knocks over their towers, etc. They know he's only a child but they hate to see their own kid unhappy because of this problem child. Of course they'll be a little cold to you unless they are going out of their way to try to rise above it.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 09:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]op ..understood...how would you suggest rising above? I'm friendly to everyone do I need to invite other moms for coffee or somthing?
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 09:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i think there are some moms who will never socialize with you. their loss. there were two ds in our pre-k class like yours. i was one of the few moms who did playdates with them, and those ds are now great kids whom my dc is still friends with. to shun a 4 y/o is just cruel.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 09:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Do you think your child can make it through a 1 or 1.5 hours playdate without a problem? If so I would try to set one up with another dc and mom at a time when yours is likely to be at his best. The mom will see your child in a better light and understand more that he's only difficult sometimes. This will also do wonders for your hurt feelings. BTW, my ds is a joy at school but it seems 50% of the playdates end with one child in tears. Be sure to keep it short.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 09:31 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ita. also, try to make it outdoors or at an indoor playspace if possible. running around often helps fend off some of the physical aggression.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 09:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP -- Agreed, right after a meal, early in the day before people get tired out, etc. And yeah, one hour, short and simple. PS OP GL!!!
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 05:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
i feel for you. went through the same thing when ds was in preschool
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 09:20 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm sorry this is happening to you, but I think you are not being overly sensitive and the other moms are avoiding you because your dc is a problem. is there anyone in particular your dc gets along with that is more physical too? maybe you can reach out to that mom and set up some playdates.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 09:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Moms can be so catty. I feel "shunned" by other moms because I am FT WOHM. This year - now that the kids are there till 3 - one of the (nice) ones said to me that she's bored because her DC is gone all day. So what comes around goes around. Just be better than they are. There are other places to make friends.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 09:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]oh that's good advice....get the 2 most aggressive, physical boys together and let them fight to the finish with each other....
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 09:31 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]get over yourself.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 09:32 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]nice comeback...bitch
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 09:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np. you seem like the clueless, nasty one from mars. many boys like to rough house. wrestling, tumbling, etc. it makes sense if your ds is like this to find a playmate with a similar way of engaging. it's not about "fighting to the finish." if you disagree, you're free to keep your melvin the milquetoast home picking his boogers and watching barney.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 09:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
or: just thought that a mom of another physical kid would be more understanding and their dc would not get rattled by OP's dc. plus preschool boys being physical with each other is usually just play - they don't seem to be actually hurting each other or fighting ...
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 09:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
We're going through something very similar. I could have written this post only I'm at the point now that I don't care what anyone else thinks. My ds is getting the help he needs and we're doing the best we can as parents. F%$k the ones that think DH and I are not disciplining him at home. I use to be like some of these moms but now have a much wider view of the different issues kids can have.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 09:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP--we have the same problem! DS is always knocking over other's blocks. Who is helping you? we're trying social skills classes/therapy but not sure it's helping, and no one EVER invites us for a playdate, and the other moms seem to "forget" to respond to my efforts to arrange playdates. My child does not throw things at/shove other children and we are still ostracized. sad for us
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 11:08 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I am a mom whose dd had a bbf, a boy, who is very physical, aggressive, etc. we love him, we work with him. he is like family to us. Just curious- social skills classes? my dd's friend doesnt do that. I mean, is your ds doesnt throw things or shove kids, maybe he doesnt even have a problem?
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 11:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]thanks. maybe he doesn't have a problem, but the school thought social skills classes would help. so we're trying them. kind of sucks to do therapy for a kid who's generally sweet and lovable. and, it's sad that no one wants to play with ds outside of school. I suspect me being a wohm in a sea of sahms doesn't help our situation
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 11:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]examples of thigs dd's bff does: pushes her, snatches toys out of her hands, does not share with her AND he hugs her so tight she screams and squirms, grabs her hand and runs with her when I come home to pick her up so I cant take her home, shares his food with her. there is good and bad. we take the bad b/c she has known him all of her two years and our families are friends. he does not go to social skills classes and i wouldnt think that he should. I am no professional but I remember when my dd decided temper tamtrums were her thing, at 1 1/2, one or twicw a week it was on teh floor kicking and screaming. IF I had put her in a class, I think I would have made it worse? can u take a day off and go to class with him?
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 12:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]it's worth thinking about, in my ds's case, we think he doesn't know how to ask the other children to play, so he knocks over their blocks to get attention. and so we're hoping social skills class will help him learn better alternatives. meanwhile, I just wish he could have more playdates, since he behaves well with adults (and us,) and he's an only child, so we can't practice this stuff at home.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 12:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I've btdt from both sides. 1st DS was a little trouble maker and I was sensitive to it. He's outgrown it now (3rd grade) but I also have a 3 yr old DS who complains daily about another little boy at his preschool throwing things at him. Try to be friendly with the other moms. That's all you can do on that end. If they don't warm up to you there's nothing else you can do. This will eventually pass but it sucks while you're going through it.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 09:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Perhaps pre-k is not appropriate for your child. Maybe he's acting out because he's dealing with abandonment issues.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 11:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I disagree, my dd loves to knock down the block towers her dad builds. LOVES it! It gives her joy. so he builds them and knocks them down. of course, we are home, and its her dad's towers. but when we are building with bff we talk to her- that's X's tower, he worked on it, he likes to ahve it stay up, etc. and she still of course, knocked down his tower. there is something abt "wrecking" "knocking down" that is just appealing. try it, have you tried it? Op- do ti with him, at home, let him "get it out of his system"; the novelty wears off and then talk abt NOT doing it.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 11:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I had the same issue. There will definitely be moms who will exclude you and your son. Nothing you can do about it. Work with your kid, and he will get better. In the meantime, make friends outside of school. No reason to let small minded people cause you to feel bad.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 11:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I posted to wrong post above. There's a terror kid in our pre-k and I don't blame his mom at all - she's adorable! I think it's just a phase. The kid calls my son stupid and hits him. We told the teachers but again - I think this is just the other little boy trying out new behaviors, etc. - and my son doesn't seem to be buying into his crap anyhow. I'm willing to be they will be friends before this gets worse.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 01:38 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
One idea is to ask a friend in the class, if possible, to organize a dinner or lunch with the other moms and you. During the meal, she/he could talk about what a difficult time you are going through and that they wanted everyone to know that you are working on it and that you wanted to them to know that. You of course can take the bull by the horns and do all of this yourself as well. It is something that happened for a friend of mine and for those who came, everyone was really supportive and most of them had no idea what was occuring and opened up about their own dealings with their kids.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 01:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Remember that the other parents are not in your shoes and some people just have no empathy. You are doing the best that you can. Hang in there! He is only a preschooler for goodness sake and you are working on it.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 05:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] How much would you pay a nanny to work 30 hours per week? 3 replies
- It would depend on her duties if only child care roughly 330 but if she does housekeeping duties more like 350-400...
Talk : : October 30, 2009
How much would you pay a nanny to work 30 hours per week?
3 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]10.30.09, 08:15 AM [ Flag ]It would depend on her duties if only child care roughly 330 but if she does housekeeping duties more like 350-400
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 08:22 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]thanks for this reply. we will actually have an arrangement where she comes to our apartment 3 days a week and then we go to her apartment 2 days a week. her commute to us will take about one hour. we don't expect her to do any housework and our dd is 10 months old. do you think still roughly 330?
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 08:32 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Yea seems fair enough I pay my nanny 270 for 24hrs and she does housework as well
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 09:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Am I being unreasonable? We alternate Thanksgiving between families, one year with my... 18 replies
- argue that they feel comfortable with you and your family. I have spent so much of my life trying to please my in-laws that my own family always took a backseat. Is yous DH their only child? Don't they have extended family or friends to visit over the holidays?...
Talk : : October 29, 2009
Am I being unreasonable? We alternate Thanksgiving between families, one year with my large extended family, the next with just DH's parents. Well, this year DH's parents have asked to be invited to my family's dinner -- which is a distance away and would require spending several days together. Which would be nice, except my in-laws are loud and annoying. Also obsessed with the grandkids, and I fear will monopolize them all night, when there will be relatives who haven't spent time with my kids all year. Am I wrong in wanting to keep the families separate for the holidays? I was SO looking forward to an in-law free holiday weekend!
18 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]10.29.09, 10:40 PM [ Flag ]All the family should be able to get together and it is twice as much fun and attention for the kids. Families need to learn how to get along and (who knows) it may turn out much better than you imagine and then you wouldn't have to alternate holidays anymore. If it doesn't at least you know for the future but why not give it a try first.
[ Reply | Options ]10.29.09, 10:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]you are not being unreasonable. in laws should not crashyour family's turn.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 01:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA you are NOT unreasonable. Try to turn it around and explain they love their private time with both sets of grandparents without having to share.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 04:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
it's just a short weekend, your DH will love you will giving his parents the extra respect, and monopolizing grandkids isn't a bad thing. If your parents are ok with it, I would just go with the flow and invite them. And once you invite them, don't just sulk and look for things that they are doing wrong. Just enjoy yourself, let them make a few annoying comments, dote on your kids, and be happy that both pairs of in-laws get along. -*
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 03:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]so, the no backbone approach.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 04:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]how is it a no backbone approach? it's not your party, your parents are hosting it so they get to decide.
[ Reply | Options ]10.31.09, 09:16 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]i would be more annoyed that she asked cuz she should realize that it's a private affair, but since she did, your parents need to deal with her.
[ Reply | Options ]10.31.09, 09:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
ITA. It seems like a small sacrifice to make for family togetherness and peace and who knows--it may forge new bonds. Most people I know would give their eye teeth to just have everyone in the same place and reasonably happy.
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 08:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
The people saying OP should do this are not taking into account that it isn't her party to invite people to. Basically OP and her family are invited to Thanksgiving at another relatives home. ILs are asking her to show up with extra uninvited guests. Whoever is hosting Thanksgiving dinner may not want these people to attend. If, for example, OPs sister is having Thanksgiving at her home OP's ILs are not part of her sister's family. She may not want to invite them.
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 04:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]You know, we have had a very similar problem. MIL even wanted to be invited to stay at my parents' house (which is not very large, they don't get along, and my family was already in the guest room). I think you can just say that you think it would be a little too much to deal with (which is probably the truth), and that you think you should focus on planning another holiday together. Some people don't have boundaries, and unfortunately, when those people are your in-laws, you get stuck in the unenviable position of enforcing them!
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 05:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP: If it were just the dinner, I don't think it would be such a big deal. But they intend on staying (in a hotel, thank goodness) all weekend, which means my parents and siblings will have to entertain them. My parents are very gracious and say I should just invite them, btw. The worst part of it is that if I liked the in-laws (specifically the MIL) this wouldn't be an issue. But she is demanding, needs to be the center of attention at all times (singing loudly, dancing, talking in baby talk), makes thoughtless comments to my mom, and talks incessantly about how amazing her kids are and how they can do no wrong. It will basically ruin everyone's weekend! But I feel like I have no choice!
[ Reply | Options ]10.30.09, 05:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]On one hand it would be nice to include them. On the other hand, it seems impolite that they asked to be included. Although one could argue that they feel comfortable with you and your family. I have spent so much of my life trying to please my in-laws that my own family always took a backseat. Is yous DH their only child? Don't they have extended family or friends to visit over the holidays?
[ Reply | Options ]10.31.09, 08:47 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Gosh I do not blame you. I would want my weekend with my family especially since you do not get to see them often. Could you just be honest with them and tell they are welcome to come to the dinner but that you are looking forward to catching up quietly with your family without additional guests? I think my MIL would understand (she is close and my family is far) but I know it would be hard to discuss without feeling awkward.
[ Reply | Options ]10.31.09, 09:14 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]You must, must, must work this out with DH. They are his parents; its not up to you alone to include/exclude them. Besides, your relationship with him is the font from which all this family stuff sprouts, and, hopefully, you'll be together through it all. Signed -- someone else's DH.
[ Reply | Options ]10.31.09, 09:36 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]good response DH
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 09:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
np: you don't have you in laws forever.annoying or not sounds like they adore your kids. why not suck it up
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 09:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]How about suck it up this year and next year go on an immediately family Thanksgiving vacation? My in-laws are obnoxious and have absolutely no interest in my kids, so I'm actually a little jealous...
[ Reply | Options ]11.01.09, 10:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful replies. I thought long and hard and decided to ask my aunt if the in-laws could come to her house. I realized that what was bothering me the most was that I had to spend last Thanksgiving at the in-laws' house with just the four adults and the kids and found it very depressing. (I missed my family, who always spend the holidays together, no other kids for DC to play with, etc.) So I told DH that I'd like to have everyone together every year and he doesn't think this will be a problem with his parents. (I realize this isn't quite so fair to my family, but if we get to be together every year, so be it.) We'll see if the in-laws agree with my plan!
[ Reply | Options ]11.02.09, 06:47 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] my child's birthday is sept 2. cut-off date for kindergarten is Aug. 31. should i t... 11 replies
- do you think she's ready? what is she doing this year? is she an only child? what would be the alternative if she wasn't starting kindergarten?...
Talk : : October 28, 2009
my child's birthday is sept 2. cut-off date for kindergarten is Aug. 31. should i try to get her in the month she turns 5 or wait until nest year when she is 6, assuming her pre-K teacher says she is ready at 5? already worried about next year. advice please, esp. anyone BTDT
11 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]10.28.09, 07:42 AM [ Flag ]do you think she's ready? what is she doing this year? is she an only child? what would be the alternative if she wasn't starting kindergarten?
[ Reply | Options ]10.28.09, 07:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]alternative would be pre-k again (3rd year in a row), 3 hours a day. she started when she turned 3, so it would be 3rd year of pre-K next year. i wouldn't send her if she's not ready, but just wondering if i should wait. i was a november baby and always one of the oldest in class, wondering about other's experiences in this area
[ Reply | Options ]10.28.09, 07:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i can't imagine sending to the same program for three years in a row. i'm usually a big supporter of staying in your age group but if it was me, i'd think strongly of moving her into kindergarten
[ Reply | Options ]10.28.09, 07:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]yes, she was definitely ready for it, the day she started, she turned 3, so i think i want her to start kindergarten next year if she is still on target academically and socially with others in that age group, but at the same time, don't want to regret that. i might could send her to another full day program at age 5, but it would not be kindergarten, just another year of pre-K
[ Reply | Options ]10.28.09, 08:05 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
We were in the same boat. Dc has mid September birthday, as well. Sounds like you are leaning towards private school as public cut-off is end of December? If so, honestly, most privates will not consider children with bdays after the Sept 1st cut-off. have you looked at any ongoings that begin at Pre-K? Also, there are a few places with later cut-off dates.
[ Reply | Options ]10.28.09, 08:02 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]no, i don't live in NYC. public cut-off here is Aug. 31. so, if you turn 5 on sept. 1, you have to wait a year. we could test and have her go in if she tested high enough, or send her to private. privates here aren't really strict about it
[ Reply | Options ]10.28.09, 08:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Then I would def go with Kindergarten. Our dd was also in the same nursery for 3 years and we relied on her teachers to help make the decision. They told us that she was ready for K, and she is doing extremely well. GL.
[ Reply | Options ]10.28.09, 08:13 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
We went with a citywide through elementary school and then moved to private. At that point dd (Sept 1 bday) just continued progressing to the next grade.
[ Reply | Options ]10.28.09, 08:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]being youngest in the class is not always fun, but better that than hold her back when she'd be bored
[ Reply | Options ]10.28.09, 08:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]If we had it to do agin, our extremely eager,bright and able late Dec bday would NOTNOTNOT do another year of pre-k.
[ Reply | Options ]10.28.09, 08:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]agin=again
[ Reply | Options ]10.28.09, 08:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Do you give your kids sugary 'treats' for snacks on a daily basis, i.e. chocolate chi... 84 replies
- dessert daily is not unhealthy, nutritionally, for a child, assuming it's part of a balanced diet....
- Is your vitamin craving 2 yr old an only child? What's sweetening those vitamins? and fruit...canned corn and green beans, etc. I am only 100 pounds at 5'3", so it's...and say mommy eats chocolate, but you can only have apples! ??...
- silly. I am not defining cookie size. You child will have smaller intake than you until adolescence...
Talk : : October 27, 2009
Do you give your kids sugary 'treats' for snacks on a daily basis, i.e. chocolate chip cookie or brownie after school, etc., or nightly after desert? I had a big argument w/dh over this (desert). I think we should just give healthy snacks, w/a "treat" once in a while (2-3 times a week) and dh believes in desert crap nightly. Opinions?
84 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]10.27.09, 07:45 PM [ Flag ]^^ ps: dc is 4 so we can still control alot of what he eats at home/after school
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 07:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I never really gave him treats- not that we forbade him but didn't think it was necessary to expose him to him. As a result, he doesn't crave sweets. Even on Halloween, he likes to collect candy but ends up not eating much of it.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 07:48 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]My children are the same. My DS usually cannot even finish an ice cream because it's too sweet for him.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
dessert can be nightly, but i don't think dessert needs to be defined as a sugary treat. Fruit can be dessert too. That being said, if dc is an otherwise healthy eater and portions are kept small, sure, one small cookie every night is not going to do any damage.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 07:49 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA. Moderation will not create problems. There are nights that DD asks for a cookie for dessert, there are other nights she wants yogurt with berries. Making sweets into the forbidden fruit instead of teaching moderate consumption is more of a problem.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
so, to be clear, you think a chocolate chip cookie is "crap", i.e., that it is inherently bad for you? Even a homemade one?
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 07:50 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Not OP, but absolutely. How is a homemade chocolate chip cookie healthy? Unless you use healthier ingredients...like a flax seed choco chip cookie. I am a chocolate addict. Its awful. I have to hide it from DS. I was never made to eat properly. I want ds to love eating healthy.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 07:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Chocolate is good for you, at least dark chocolate. Talk to any nutritionist, considering a cookie a "treat" is a sure fire way to develop eating issues. Food isn't a reward and there are no good foods and bad foods.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 07:53 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Are you kidding me? There certainly are bad foods. Do you serve fried twinkies for dinner? That is not something DS ever needs to eat. But a nice piece of salmon is a good food.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:01 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]talk to a nutritionist. Moderation is key. Positioning foods as "good" and "bad" is what leads to EDs and overeating.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]We go with a more foods we keep in the house vs foods we don't. My secretary gives ds cookies, maybe once a week. I find that if these "bad" foods aren't in the house, they're less problematic. If we have granola bars in the pantry and he knows, he will beg and beg and beg. I usually just give him two of those little oatmeal cookies when he asks, with a banana, so he gets a tiny but of what he wants, but overall something healthier.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
you hide your eating habits from ds? ED in the making...
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 07:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]He's 2. I can't eat chocolate in front of him and then not share when he wants some. If he asks, I usually give him a tiny bite of whatever I have have...but like I said, I do most of my naughty eating when he isn't present. I am hoping to find a way to fix this addiction before he is older. I completely changed my diet and eliminated a lot of bad foods....but I need chocolate to get me through stressful days. I don't drink coffee, or much alcohol. Sigh....maybe I need a therapist?
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]"naughty eating", "addiction", "bad foods"...I'm not saying you need to see a therapist for it but you sure do have some negative feelings about food and eating. Sounds like you know this already about yourself though.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Don't listen to this. That's perfectly normal!!
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]It's not normal to hide what you eat from children.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]So I should torture him and say mommy eats chocolate, but you can only have apples! ??
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:24 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]no, you should offer him a bite.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:25 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Would you give your child a sip of coffee if he/she wanted some? I know someone who did...ugh, don't do that. LOL Messy messy diapers. I just don't think a 2 year old needs chocolate.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]then don't hide it! Say, chocolate is for grown ups, or however you rationalize it. But come on, hiding, combined with all your negative language...you know you have issues with this, right?
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:28 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
np: i disagree. it's normal to do some eating and drinking of unhealthy stuff after dc go to bed. we know it's not healthy so we wait and try to reduce the influence on dc. same as we do with R rated movies, adult conversations, etc. It's not shameful hiding, but rather an attempt to protect our kids from things as long as possible. It's not like most of us realistically think they will NEVER eat chocolate or NEVER watch an R movie. But might as well delay it if we can.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:33 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Exactly...I didn't want to bring alcohol into this...but I do drink wine in front of ds. He thinks wine glasses are for putting toys in...not drinking, yet! But chocolate is something he could have, and I could give him, but don't want to yet. I must say, I have come a long way, and do really well with ONE fancy chocolate a night, most of the time. So when ds is older, maybe we can have our one chocolate a night together...but hes 2. He can have a fish oil tablet, and I'll have a chocolate for now. :)
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:50 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
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[ Reply | Options ]10.28.09, 04:02 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
A chocolate chip cookie is made of chocolate, sugar, flour, butter. None of these things are "bad" for you, in moderation.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:04 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]In moderation...which takes us to OP's question. What is moderation?
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]a cookie a day seems like moderation to me. I have at least one cookie a day. And I am healthy, healthy height/weight and exercise 2-3 times a week, low cholesterol, etc.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Define cookie size please....are we talking giant starbucks cookie? Or a homemade cookie bad from a normal sized drop of dough? I try to limit myself to one treat a day, but still feel ds, at 2, is too young to have one cookie a day if he doesn't really know what it's all about yet. If I can offer him something healthier, and he's happy....why push cookies?
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:22 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I am not advocating pushing cookies on kids! This is getting silly. I am not defining cookie size. You child will have smaller intake than you until adolescence so adjust accordingly. Myself, I have a cookie daily. I buy them from whole foods. I don't know their diameter.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:25 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
We give healthy snacks. DS BEGS for vitamins and fish oil chew tablets, like they're candy. I feel so ridiculous when I say, eat some more broccoli, so you can have a vitamin....LOL He's only 2, so I'm sure he'll eat more junk when he sees his friends do it. He never gets sweets like ice cream, cupcakes, brownies etc, unless at a party. I give him raisins, fruit leather, granola bars, etc as "junk" but like to keep snacks to cheese, fresh fruit, hummus and crackers, etc.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 07:51 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]fruit leather is pretty much the equivalent of candy, both nutritionally and from a dental POV. OTOH ice cream and even chocolate do have nutritional value. our dentist abhors raisins, fruit leather, gummy vitamins, and granola bars because of how bad they are for kids teeeth.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 07:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I know, they are awful. But in moderation, everything is ok. Chocolate is not nutritional. Dark chocolate has some benefits...but most kids won't eat it. Perhaps if that's all they knew. I try to mix raisins/cranberries in quinoa to get him to eat that.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Is your vitamin craving 2 yr old an only child? What's sweetening those vitamins? and fruit leather...well, I'd take an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie w/dehydrated green & red veggie powder,maple syrup,whole grain flour and bittersweet chocolate in them- any day! Raisins are tooth decay heaven, most granola bars are full of sugar. I'm only going on bout it because you did; Hummus was the only truly valuable food item on your treat list.So, you actually don't "give healthy snacks".
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I mentioned fruit leather and granola as the "junk" I give him. I don't see how cheese, multigrain or wheat germ crackers with hummus, and fresh fruit aren't healthy?? Banana with almond butter is another favorite, with granola on top.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:14 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]You child will be the one stuffing sweets into his mouth at birthday parties when he's 10 and 12 because he's not used to them, doesn't know how to regulate his intake, and sees them as forbidden fruits.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Just had his bday, and gave him a leftover cupcake today. He had about 1-2 teaspoons of icing and was done with it. He will be allowed to have junk food at bday parties, etc. But overall, I want him to eat healthy food.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:19 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Again, with the "healthy" food...a cupcake or cookie isn't unhealthy!
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]omg...this cupcake was unhealthy! It had two inches of icing on it. When I was a kid, I always turned my cake upside down and only ate the cake. Didn't like icing until I got old!
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]you have food issues.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I just know what a difference it made in my life going from an unhealthy diet to a healthy one. I used to get very sick from the food I was eating. When I would get stressed out, I couldn't eat anything. Now I eat well balanced meals, and the stress doesn't matter, I have more energy, feel better, etc. I want that for ds.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:30 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]so, as with the other poster, you are projecting your crap onto your kid. Not cool.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:32 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]It's not cool that I want my ds to eat healthy? I go out of my way to shop at different stores/farm stands to make sure he gets the best I can possibly buy him. I hope he appreciates my efforts one day....
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:53 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
And yes, ds is an only child.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]yes, we could spot that a mile away.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:19 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]LOL!
[ Reply | Options ]10.28.09, 12:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Not daily, no. I could, I guess, as my kids are active and don't have weight problems. Really depends on the kid.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 07:51 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]if you had a "big argument" over this, perhaps you should examine your own issues with food.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 07:51 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP: yes, I blew up and that's why it was 'big' because he reacted to my strong blow up (I blew up because 1-we had the discussion before and to me it's a no brainer, I couldn't believe I had to have the discussion AGAIN ie. no brownies/crap after dinner and 2-YES I readily admit I have my own issues which is exactly why I don't want db raised this way: I was allowed to have desert/crap nightly (cookies, ice cream, Sara Lee frozen cupcakes, poundcake, etc - slices of course) and to snack on yodels and Hostess stuff after school. I have spent my life trying to lose 20 pounds. DC is now naturally slim, I don't need to CREATE a habit of him eating the crap I did so that he DOES eat crap after school, after dinner, as HABIT like I did.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:04 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ok ok. But be careful of not swinging the other way and making it so much of an issue for him that he has restriction issues. A piece of dessert daily is not unhealthy, nutritionally, for a child, assuming it's part of a balanced diet.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]what's sweet is that dc asked me about it after and sort of gets it: understands that the brownie is 'all pooped out" and "doesn't help me get strong" and "makes cavities" ... he understands the reasons why I object to crap treats and want him to eat healthy. So I had a normal conversation w/dc after about it, how I wnat him to grow strong and healthy which of course he wants too!
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]but there's also a place for teaching out children than we eat food because it tastes good! there's value in that. just like looking at something because it's pretty. Or doing something because it feels good. Of course that's in context with everything you said, overall health and nutrition.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I was also raised this way, and allowed to eat crap anytime I wanted. A whole row of oreos, no veggies but canned corn and green beans, etc. I am only 100 pounds at 5'3", so it's not a weight issue, but I have worked hard on changing my diet over the last few years. I know eat a lot of different types of green veggies...and a lot of others. Still have issues with a few (LOL -- nut job). I want to give him the healthiest food possible and let the bad stuff sneak it's way in on the rare occasion. Hopefully he will choose a healthy diet for himself.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]How long have you lived outside your parents' home? It's more than likely that your own kid will resent and blame you for your baggage(as you blame your parents) and quite possibly, suffer from some eating issues. Be very careful...and a LOT changes after 4-6 yrs old.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
This is YOUR crap. Don't make it is. And your attitude towards your husband is kind of shocking. You had to have the conversation "AGAIN" because it was a no brainer. you sound pretty rigid. He has a different perspective. It's obviously not a no brainer. He's your co-parent. I think you are a little too tightly wound on this issue.
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[ Reply | Options ]10.28.09, 04:02 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I have a sweet tooth and can identify with my dcs' desire for something sweet. My dh used to give the dcs a large portion, but I have found that a small (1 oreo or kiss) is enough to make them feel like they had a treat - For good behavior they get one after eating a healthy after school snack and another after dinner - I have won dh over now as well. I know I'm going to get flamed, but thought you should hear an honest answer.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 07:59 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Why would you get flamed? I think the only thing you might reconsider is giving candy for good behavior. Food shouldn't be given as a reward. Food is nourishment.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:01 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]My dcs know that candy is not nourishment and not food either.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
We let DC have one every day, but they're tiny, like one gummy bear, or a few M&Ms.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:02 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]depends on how old the kid is. give them as much healthy stuff until they start discovering other junk on their own or through friends. ours 2 yr old thinks snacks are carrots and almonds.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Yes, we allow dessert after dinner nightly. On weekends after lunch too. A dessert might be a scoop of ice cream, two cookies, or a cupcake. DC are 6 and 8yo. Also have a 2yo who does not get dessert yet cause he doesn't know to ask for it.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]This seems sensible. Moderation is key.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:16 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]np That's moderate for active kids whose peds don't think they have weight issues. It's a lot for kids who are already overweight.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:20 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]yes, I thought this was obvious we were talking about average/normal weight children
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Given the number of overweight UMC kids around (often snacking on cupcakes and such), I wouldn't say that's obvious at all.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
wow, my 2 year old totally knows how to ask for sweets! lucky you!
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]or: well, he knows to ask if he sees it, but he doesn't yet get it as an automatic after meal treat like the older two. I just try hard to teach them about balance - it's okay to eat anything in moderation. Eat healthy meals first, don't fill up on junk, but fine to give yourself a treat daily too. They are all healthy height/weight and active kids so far, so good!
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
we don't do desserts after meals on the weekdays b/c it drags out the meal and creates a hassle. if thye don't eat, why should they get dessert and then suddenly you have a food conflict. so we don't do desserts. and i try to give non-sugary snacks but i don't care so much about other issues like transfats or whole grains.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:33 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]or: doesn't drag out meals for us. meals aren't an issue. they pick something or i pick something. we prepare it. they eat. then they pick a small dessert. meals are not a source of conflict. they are actually nice times for us, when we all sit together if possible.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:36 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: to or, I think it's obvious you don't have issues with food. And you can see that that has translated to your kids. I aspire to be you!
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:38 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]that sounds very sanctimonious. was it meant as such?
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:43 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]my np? No, it was quite sincere. Refreshing to see her post after all these neurotic moms with their food issues, passing on their eating issues to their kids.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:45 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Serving and preparing healthy foods does make one a neurotic and crazy mom! No need to expose cakes and cookies to toddlers as part of a daily meal. If they show up at a party, fine. But if not, I find it perfectly acceptable to wait until ds is older and to appreciate these treats more.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
or: my "doesn't drag out..." or np? Mine was not and np's sounds nothing but nice to me. sancti how?
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:50 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]i was asking about yours. it sounded very snippy. maybe it was the short sentences. or maybe i've just been reading too many nasty posts on here. my apologies. carry on.
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]or: interesting observation about the short sentences. i actually don't usually write like that, but i'm tired. writing a period easier than writing and/but/so. sorry!
[ Reply | Options ]10.27.09, 08:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
finally a person with a normal attitude. i just wrote a long post below but u said my feelings better.
[ Reply | Options ]10.28.09, 12:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
i agree with DH. when i was a kid, my mom let us eat what we wanted. If we were going to eat a cookie before dinner, she would just say that "honey have your dinner first" . We usually only had one box of 'treats' in the house (ex. cookies, fruit by the foot, etc) so that helped in self-regulation because no one wanted to be the brother/sister who ate all the snacks. i do remember a few times where i ate a ton of fruit rollups cuz i wanted to punch out all the figures...but then i felt sick so i didn't do it again. i never remember my mom dieting or saying any food was bad for me.
[ Reply | Options ]10.28.09, 12:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]in fact my mom used to bake desserts all the time. but my mom also cooked really healthy indian and persian food all the time. i would keep the meals healthy and then let your kids eat what they like. and don't give them the stinkeye either...they shouldn't be gobbling food trying to hide it from you. also dessert doesn't have to be right after dinner or even a necessary daily course. in my house, it's just on an 'as needed' basis and it works for us. and none of us have food issues/overweight/etc
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[ Reply | Options ]10.28.09, 04:02 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I give graham crackers on a regular basis. I make sure dd has fruit daily and vegetables. It's not usually after dinner but is sometimes. She usually never finishes what I give her. She'll eat one oreo etc and ask me to save it for her tomorrow. She's 3
[ Reply | Options ]10.28.09, 04:22 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm similar to an above poster - if my kids eat a good dinner (one veggie, one fruit, one of something else), then they get a small dessert: a hershey's kiss, a cookie. We don't make it a big deal, and therefore it's not. I don't think it's an issue of WHAT you give them, I think it's an issue of HOW you give it to them, ie, the feelings you bring to food and dessert that are transferred to your kid. Sometimes my kids don't ask for, sometimes they do. I'm perfectly okay with them having a kiss if they've eaten a balanced meal beforehand.
[ Reply | Options ]10.28.09, 05:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Yes, most nights if it's in the house. Tootsie roll, hershey's kiss, etc. Kids know they only get this small amount, after dinner only, so they don't ask about sweets during the day. They are 9, 6, 3. I think they have a healthy relationship with stuff like this.
[ Reply | Options ]10.28.09, 10:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Yes, The whole family eat dessert every night.
[ Reply | Options ]10.28.09, 01:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Why some parents/mothers feel guilty about the only child thing? 15 replies
- I would feel guilty because the two only children friends of mine say their only wish is that they could have a sibling but their parents are too old now. They are not being...giving them so much. But I wouldn't want my child to ever feel the lack of a sibling. It's a lot more likely that an only child will regret not having a sibling vs.a 'multiple' child wishing his siblings didn't exist....
Talk : : October 25, 2009
Why some parents/mothers feel guilty about the only child thing?
15 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]10.25.09, 10:29 AM [ Flag ]don't know---i don't.
[ Reply | Options ]10.25.09, 01:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ditto
[ Reply | Options ]10.25.09, 01:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]tritto. It's great
[ Reply | Options ]10.25.09, 04:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]quad
[ Reply | Options ]10.25.09, 04:53 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Quint
[ Reply | Options ]10.25.09, 05:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
because i want my ds to have someone no matter what, esp when dh and i are old and infirm. i want him to have someone who knew him when, and who knew what it was like to have us as parents-- i think of how much time i spend talking with my own sister, and how much of it is figuring out our lives, much of that based on where we come from and what we experienced together. i can't imagine my life without her.
[ Reply | Options ]10.25.09, 01:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]your ds won't have a best friend/girlfriend/confidant/significant other when the time comes that you and dh are old/infirm? No family member around? I seriously doubt that. And by the way, just because you have siblings doesn't mean you have comfort when your parents are dying!
[ Reply | Options ]10.25.09, 01:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]yes, i completely understand all that. i'm not saying it's entirely rational, and no one can predict the future, or ensure that siblings have the close relationship we want them to have. i was just answering the question, because it resonated with me.
[ Reply | Options ]10.25.09, 01:14 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]thanks for your honest response. i guess in the wee hours of the night, the notion vaguely crosses my mind....then i come to my senses and realize that simply cannot afford another.
[ Reply | Options ]10.25.09, 01:45 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
No two children are raised the the same family. My dh & his siblings have vastly different ideas about what their parents were/are like.
[ Reply | Options ]10.25.09, 01:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I would feel guilty because the two only children friends of mine say their only wish is that they could have a sibling but their parents are too old now. They are not being miserable, they add that they are grateful for their parents giving them so much. But I wouldn't want my child to ever feel the lack of a sibling. It's a lot more likely that an only child will regret not having a sibling vs.a 'multiple' child wishing his siblings didn't exist.
[ Reply | Options ]10.25.09, 03:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I have 4 siblings, and would have preferred to be an only. And both of my parents are gone. You can't predict the relationships your children will have.
[ Reply | Options ]10.25.09, 04:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]that's an incredibly awful way to feel. I really feel for you for having such a terrible family situation. Four siblings and preferring to have had none of them! Coming from an incredibly close family, I cannot wrap my mind around that. There is NOTHING like having a close family--it is something people who have not experienced it cannot understand, though I realize it does not work out this way for everyone and most people find other ways to compensate (you don't miss what you never had).
[ Reply | Options ]10.25.09, 05:04 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Actually, I have often heard onlies say that they are thrilled they have no siblings
[ Reply | Options ]10.25.09, 05:01 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I never once wanted a sibling. Was very happy as an only.
[ Reply | Options ]10.25.09, 05:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Feeling depressed. You know what's the worst thing about TTC and failing? It's that e... 15 replies
- for any amount of time just changes your body. I was only on it for about four months and was able to get...
- Just want to sympathize. My (only) child is now 19 years old, but I remember those failed...such a failure, and so much that I was the only one who couldn't manage to do it. I guess...silver lining is that I feel I truly appreciate my child and never forget what I went through to get her,...
Talk : : October 24, 2009
Feeling depressed. You know what's the worst thing about TTC and failing? It's that every month, you find out by getting your period. Not a sympathetic pat on the back and a "sorry, maybe next time", but a bloody mess, plus bloating, bad mood and facial breakout. It's like a real F$%# You from Mother Nature. I don't know anyone who's had problems. Every single one of my friends, no matter how old, announced to me they were trying to have a second child on the same day they announced their pregnancy. It friggin' sucks. Why did I bother with BC if nature makes it this damned hard?
15 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]10.24.09, 07:42 PM [ Flag ]hey - how about being anovulatory so you don't even get a period to show that something works ... just a whole lotta nothing. i charted for 9 months before i finally ovulated and it took 4 cycles after that to get pg and you know what? i was lucky.
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 07:44 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP: Argh... that must have been really unbearable stress. Congrats on the ultimate luck though!
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 07:47 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]thanks! i have pcos and have friends with it that had to go through several IVF attempts after years of trying so we were sooooo fortunate! i'm sure it will happen for you - it's just funny because i remember my first "real" period while TTC and even though it was a letdown because i wasn't pg it was just so exciting to feel like i worked!! i'm sending all positive vibes, though, that you get pregnant next cycle!! :)
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 07:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I'm not a btdt, but just read a piece on DoubleX about TTC, that presented a heartfelt but somewhat light take on it. I'm not sure the timing would be right for you to enjoy it, but I hope it could give some encouragement.
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 07:53 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP: that made me cry harder, but also smile a little. Thanks for suggesting it.
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 08:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm sorry! I didn't mean for it to make you more sad. I wish you the best of luck.
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 08:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP: no no! Thank you for it. Sometimes crying is good, lets the anger out.
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 08:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Ok, good :)
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 08:38 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Yes, you're right. But on the flipside, you can have a nice glass of wine.
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 08:43 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I think it's BC that makes it so hard. Being on birth control for any amount of time just changes your body. I was only on it for about four months and was able to get pg right away but I know people who have been on it over 5-7 plus years and they can't seem to get pg. It seems to me that most people who have trouble conceiving have been on birth control for awhile. I think there is a link between BC and ability to conceive.
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 08:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I took BC pills for 10 years, stopped, and conceived in 3 months. Similar stories for my friends. Just anecdotal evidence. Plenty of women have unintended pregnancies due to birth control pill failure.
[ Reply | Options ]10.25.09, 12:20 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]^ I don't mean to be insensitive, OP, and I wish you much luck. I was responding to this person's theory, which I believe is flawed.
[ Reply | Options ]10.25.09, 12:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Some doctors prescribe BC pills to women for a few months to regulate their cycle while trying to conceive.
[ Reply | Options ]10.25.09, 12:22 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Try pre-seed...google it. If i hear of one more person who could not get pregnant and then tried it and got pregnant ASAP...I'm seriously going to buy the company. I would be much better at marketing it...I can tell you that. Good luck and hang in there.
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 10:53 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Just want to sympathize. My (only) child is now 19 years old, but I remember those failed months and months and MONTHS before I finally got pregnant all too well. It's not that the rest of my life has been a picnic, but TTC was truly the worst thing that has ever happened to me; SO AWFUL. I felt like such a failure, and so much that I was the only one who couldn't manage to do it. I guess the silver lining is that I feel I truly appreciate my child and never forget what I went through to get her, but still you are right on the money: it friggin' sucks. So sorry. . .
[ Reply | Options ]10.25.09, 04:46 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] My mother died 5 months ago after a long battle with cancer. My parents were married... 55 replies
- to be willing to put yourself in his shoes. No only that but he probably hopes to have some sort of...much and don't want him to be alone. The only thing I would hope for (and I know he...turned out to be a psycho and now her only interest is trying to sever my relationship with my...and I are incredibly close (I'm also an only child) and if anything were to happen to her,...caring for a person, especially a spouse or a child dying from cancer it's very difficult. It's...
Talk : : October 23, 2009
My mother died 5 months ago after a long battle with cancer. My parents were married for 49 years. My father started to date a friend of the family a month after my mother died. After three months he removed all my mothers clothes and belongings from their house. After four months his girl friend moved in. Now five months after mom died they want to get married. My father asked for my approval and I couldn't give it. My Moms best friend threw my father out of her house when he told her he was dating soon after her death. He is not speaking to me since I wouldn't approve the wedding. I just couldn't give my approval so soon after her death. I just felt I needed to stand up for her. Did I do the right thing?
55 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]10.23.09, 12:06 PM [ Flag ]what a hard place to be. do you have siblings?
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I understand how heartbreaking this must be for you, but I don't understand why he would ask for your "approval." He's a grown man. I wouldn't not speak to him over this. Some men just cannot be alone. Maybe that's what is going on with him.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]let him be. love the memories of you mother, but she is no longer here. marriages are tough. let him be happy!!!
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]No, life is short. Love your father and support him.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I was you two yrs ago and in my opinion, no, you did not do the right thing. First the long struggle and pain and depression with prolonged terminal cancer is devastating. Secondly the pressure and pain or being alone becomes greater as does the realization that time is limited. After a long battle with cancer your mother is finally at peace and your father made his goodbyes to her. Nothing will bring he back and he is tired of suffering. Try to let it go and give your consent. It does not mean he no longer loves you mother it means he accepted long before you had to that she was gone. His closure is more secure.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]sorry for OPs situation and loss but this response make the most sense to me...
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 01:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Beautiful response! Maybe your dad is lonely and wants some companionship (I'm not even talking about sex, just someone to hang out with). Why would you want to deny him that? What do you want him to do, sit around and mope?
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 06:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA. I think after watching a spouse battle and then lose the fight to cancer, a person deserves any bit of happiness they can find.
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 03:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA. Well said.
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 05:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I can see where you're coming from, but is standing up for your mother worth the sacrifice of your father's happiness at having found someone? I'm guessing he's up there in years; frankly unless you're willing and able to fulfill "woman of the house" duties I think you need to consider his comfort and well-being. After 49 years of marriage I can't imagine any man would do so well taking care of himself and a house on his own.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]my FIL starting dating a woman very soon after MIL passed. I didn't understand how he moved on so fast. I feel for you.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Don't know. My dad is so morose after my mom's death part of me thinks I would welcome such news, but 5 mos is quick, let alone 1 month later he is dating. How long was your mom's battle with cancer? Craxy thing is, my parents had a crappy relationship for many many yrs and when my mom was dx with cancer (the second time) my dad started treating her like royalty. I weird kind of revisionist history.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Yes, I've seen this situation before and as it turned out, the man and the "new" woman had been seeing each other secretly for years. I hope that's not the case here.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]No she was living in another state for the last few years and he sought her out.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
What would your mom want for him?
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:19 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]that seems really irrelevant
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]why? she knows him better than anyone and probably more than anyone wants him to be happy. pretty good guidelines.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:25 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Good lord, it's not irrelevant at all. If your mom would have wanted him to move on with his life right away, then this is much more appropriate. Maybe she was even telling him to do that as she was dying. On the other hand, if it didn't sit right with her that he'd start so soon then that's a whole other issue.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 03:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]thank you. I don't know why some people jump all over posts here!
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 05:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
your dad clocked LONG years with your mom, who is to say that on some level he wouldn't have liked to have been in another relationship ages ago.. but he didn't - he stayed with your mom, which is great. but it doesn't mean he wasn't REALLY ready to get into something else quickly. let him be happy.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:22 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP. She battled cancer for about 4 months. Yes men do become lost souls when their spouses die. I'm surprised you guys are OK with dating one month after her death, removing all of her belongings so quickly and moving in soon-to-be Wife #2 so quickly. I thought since my parents were married for 49 years, he needed to show a little more respect for her. My relatives and my parent's friends are pretty PO'd about the situation but their feelings didn't influence my decision. I know he is suffering a bit but suck it up for a few more months and mourn your wife of 49 years then get married. He did have a great marriage for 49 years.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]i have to go with dad on this one, yes he's still in mourning but life is too short anyone of us could die tomorrow..and im sure this is what he realizes.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]4 months is not long at all. Are you sure there wasn't something going on before? If not in person since your dad's gf lived out of town then maybe by phone or email?
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]don't make this worse for OP. Even if that were the case many spouses - supported by the terminally ill spouse - begin to look for companionship.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:41 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Your relatives and their friends didn't sit by and care for her watch her expire and face her death everyday. They are grieving as people who found out she was ill last week and now she is gone. Your father battled along with her he deserves peace and some happiness. My dad did and I was thrilled.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Look, my parents divorced when I was in middle school and my mother didn't find happiness in a relationship until recently. You don't want a lonely parent. Trust me. I don't even like my new stepfather much but I am over the moon that she is happy.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:44 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Just a note: My grandmother and grandfather were happily married for well over 50 years. My grandmother never dated anyone after my grandfather died (she's dead now too). And one month after my grandfathers death - she asked me to come over and help get rid of his personal items (we donated most). So that one, while it seems to be a big big deal to you - may not even be related to dating. People grieve differently. I hope you find some peace and I am so very sorry for your loss.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm with you OP. I wouldn't be able to give my blessing. It may not be the "right thing" that you're not supporting him but are you wrong for how you feel? Absolutely not. I would never be able to accept him dating again after a month, maybe that's a bit selfish but in my you have every right to feel the way you do. I am truly sorry for your loss. I can't imagine life without my mom and her death is my biggest fear. I hope with time it gets easier for you.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 01:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
After 49 years of marriage he is not used to being alone. I do believe that he is acting rather quickly but how would you like to be his age and be alone after being married after 50 years? You have to be willing to put yourself in his shoes. No only that but he probably hopes to have some sort of stability in the coming years as well. After being married that long and a spouse dies usually the other person starts having health problems for the heart ache and the inability to spend so much time alone.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP. Intersting responses.... If you died, how long would be OK for your husband to wait before he could date? One month? When could he empty your house of everything that belonged to you? When could he get married? When could someone assume the mothering duties of your children?
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:41 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I would not be offended if my dh got married right away because I wouldn't want him to be grieving forever. If it found it to hard to have my stuff around as a constant reminder that I was gone then I hope he would donate it someplace but I ultimately just want him to be happy. I love him very much and don't want him to be alone. The only thing I would hope for (and I know he would) would be to find a woman who loves our children. I wouldn't be upset if he got married a month after I passed b/c I LOVE him enough that I want him to be happy.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 12:50 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]My mom started dating soon after my dad died. We were alarmed. I think ultimately she is just a very needy and dependant person. A few years have passed and now she is dating a really great guy, so I don't have a problem with it. But yes - it was hard in the beginning that she jumped in so fast - seemed like she was trying to avoid grieving.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 01:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Same here; just find someone who makes you happy and will love my child. You can't control someone from the grave!
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 12:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I feel for you. My dad died 8 months ago, after being sick for about a year. He was only 69 and my mom has had a very, very rough time. She and I have both agreed that if she had died, my dad would probably be dating now or in the position you are in, whereas she has not been interested in anyone. I think men just get used to a woman taking care of them and your dad probably doesn't mean to disrespect your mom, i bet he is just lost. I'll have to say my mom has been so lost and sad. I agree with you, i would be upset, but i would do all possible to try and maintain a good relationship with him. not sure about your dad's situation but he needs to be careful jumping off into marriage this soon. can't he just have a girlfriend? marriage means lots of legal consequences. do you have sibling?
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 01:14 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]i think you are in a rough spot--but this is not uncommon--a man like your dad who was well taken care of for 49 years is truly at a loss as to what to do with himself--he is lost right now and many many men rush in to a relationship soon after the death of a spouse. You don't have to embrace her --just let him do what he needs to do--support him--ask him to give you some time and to spend time with you without her--think of it this way--if this woman didn't care for him, it would be a burden that would fall to you. Just make sure you take whatever belongings you want of your mothers.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 01:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I totally understand your emotional response, but the scenario brought tears to my eyes b/c I can only imagine how lost I would be without my husband....I probably wouldn't make very rationale decisions for a long time after he is gone. I sometimes hope I go first. So, on that note, please try to be the better person and, although you'll never understand it, accept his decision and his new wife. Good Luck!
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 03:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]It's a short life and his time is ticking. If he can find comfort in someone else at his age, good for him. I would bless the marriage with the requirement that there be a pre-nup (not that that is your decision, but your comments may hold some weight). Remember, everyone grieves in their own way. Just because he has not grieved in the way that you think is appropriate does not mean that it is right or wrong. Would you rather him be in a black hole for 5 years?
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 03:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I would support him even though it sounds hasty. A pre-nup is a must.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 03:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Its hard to see that happen so soon. Your father is grieving and is trying to get on with his life. Being angry is normal but it wont bring your mother back. Let your father do what he wants and be happy that he found a companion so quickly.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 03:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I totally and completely understand how you feel. I 've know a few situations like this (with an even longer relationship that 4 months prior to marrying 2nd) and could never wrap my mind around it. I think 1 year is the minimum for actually marrying, out of respect, but I have know this many times not to happen. People here seem more generous and practical than I think I would be.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 03:32 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Sorry for your loss. I think this shows that your dad was happily married- liked being married, and wants to get back to that situation. I think it reflects well on your mom and your parents' relationship. My dad passed away 7 months ago, so I know there is an adjustment time for you. However, be happy your dad has someone who cares for him. You don't want him to be lonely and depressed. Explain to him that you need time to accept his new relationship, but that you are happy for him. He's your dad. Give him your support!
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 04:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]So sorry you're going through this. I know exactly how you feel. I too lost my mom to cancer, and eventually my father began dating women. My father waited about 2-3 yrs though, so it wasn't quite as fresh as what you're dealing with. I totally understand where you're coming from. Try your best to separate your grief for your mom from your father. He is trying to deal with his own grief in the best way he knows how. He is not trying to hurt anyone. But I know why it's so painful to you.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 04:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I lost my mother too. I know how you feel. My question is: what is his girlfriend like? is she a decent nice person? would you like her, if it weren't for this circumstance? My father found a girlfriend two yrs after my mother's death and I was happy that he wasn't alone anymore UNTIL I met her. She turned out to be a psycho and now her only interest is trying to sever my relationship with my father (she is very threatened by me for some reason). If she is a decent person perhaps you might want to support their relationship. I totally understand your anger and hurt that it happened so fast after your mother's death (and frankly, I think its a very natural and normal reaction from a daughter) but its also important to understand the impact of losing a spouse (especially after 49 years) and where your father might be. It is horrible, tragic and sad and I am sure your father is doing his best to cope. Perhaps you just might want to tell him that you love him dearly but you are just not ready accept the situation because you are in mourning too and that you need time but your love for him is unchanged. This might be a better alternative than rejecting him altogether.
[ Reply | Options ]10.23.09, 06:38 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I understand your feelings. It feels disrespectful to a long term marriage to dating a month after her death and then moving the girlfriend in after four months. Just doesn't seem right. He could have waited a year and dated her in a more respectful manner.
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 01:13 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]My parent's were friend's with a couple and the wife had cancer for years, The dh started dating within 2 months after her death this year - perhaps they were together before she died- maybe the had an arrangement -you never know. It was a woman who lived in his building. I think the dead wife gave her blessing. It's hard but some people can't be alone.
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 04:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I am so sorry about you mother. I lost my dad and a couple of years later (I know - a lot longer than a month) my mother asked me if she could date a man she met. I was a teenager and didn't like him so I said no. Two years later I realized I was wrong and told her she should start dating, but at that point she was used to being alone. We are 20+ years later now and she is still alone and I feel terribly guilty. I know it is soon, but try to support your father in this. GL
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 06:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np No need to feel guilty. You were a kid. IMO she shouldn't have asked your permission (yes, discuss etc, but not abide by your teenaged decision 2 years after your dad died). And she could have started dating once you were ready.
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 06:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I am sorry about your loss but I cannot agree with you. People need to move on & many, many studies show that men are either dead or re-married within 2 years after the death of a spouse. I know it must be hard but him getting married is not a disregard of your mother. I am sure that her illness and death were very hard on him.
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 07:13 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I have a friend whose mother died, and her father quickly got into a relationship with, and then married, a woman who was 25 years younger than he. Her father has a lot of money and my friend and her sister were very upset because they thought that was what the second wife was after. It also cut into the inheritance they thought they would get.
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 07:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I totally hear where you are coming from. My mother and I are incredibly close (I'm also an only child) and if anything were to happen to her, I would feel exactly as you do. Your feelings are totally valid and correct, but it sounds as if your father is in so much pain about her loss that his way of dealing with it is by covering it up with another relationship. It's his way of coping, and as he is probably up there in years, I can't help but agree that life is short and try to just let him be happy. If you fight with him on this, you may regret any resulting unhappiness from this once he is gone. Some people are "stronger" than others, and we just have to accept them for who they are and let him deal in his own way. I am truly so sorry for your loss.
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 07:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]It's very hard to lose your mother, but don't let this break go on with your father. I'm sure he was grieving his loss during the last months of her long illness and was ready to move forward. His remarriage doesn't take anything away from his life with your mother. You will regret it later if you can't find a way to be kind to him. Isn't that what your mother would want you to do?
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 10:22 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP be supportive of your father. That's really all I have to say. But as far as your mother's best friend, she was completely in the wrong to do that to your father. As anyone on here who has BTDT, caring for a person, especially a spouse or a child dying from cancer it's very difficult. It's ugly, painful, messy, and unrelenting. It's not the same as someone visiting for a few hours a day or coming by every few days to bring a casserole. I'm actually very disappointed that your mom's BFF could treat your father so callously.
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 10:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]When my mom's sister passed away, her husband remarried months later. When I asked my mom if she was bothered by it, she said, "I like to think that my sister made marriage so happy for him that he doesn't want to live without it."
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 01:48 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I really like your mom's response!!!! I'm really touched by this.
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 02:02 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
what does it mean, that he asked for your approval and you couldn't give it? did he specifically say "i want your approval"? how did you phrase your response? bottom line: he does not need your permission to have a relationship. i think you need to (for yourself first and then in how you explain yourself to him) differentiate between your respect for him as an adult to make decisions and what type of relationship YOU feel comfortable with at this point. It's ok to tell him that you are not ready for this, even if he is.
[ Reply | Options ]10.24.09, 05:36 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
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