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[ - ] Coda to the Victoria Goldman/NYC Prep comment flap: NY Times today printed two letters attacking the comment, but no retraction/correction from Victoria. 24 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
NY Schools 07.12.09, 09:46 AM Flag
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On her official website, the blog/comment feature(which has been down since the original NY Times piece) has been permanently removed from the site. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:15 AM Flag
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She probably got blasted and she deserved it [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:35 AM Flag
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fill me in what did she say? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:46 AM Flag
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Victoria Goldman, the author of “The Manhattan Guide to Private Schools and Selective Public Schools,” suggested that the teenagers’ behavior may have something to do with the private schools in the show — which she said are not top-shelf. (There are no students from Dalton, Brearley, Chapin and Collegiate, to name a few of the most highly regarded schools in the city.) “The schools on this show are all at the bottom,” Ms. Goldman said. “There would never be a Brearley girl on this show.” [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:07 PM Flag
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What an effing C that Goladman is. I have a dc at a completely different school than any of these but that woman is totally out of line. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:09 PM Flag
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i know; i'm a public mom and am equally disgusted. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 05:27 PM Flag
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NBS moms - ENOUGH! We know you school is the embarrassment of the UES. Stop focusing on VG [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:53 AM Flag
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I know I should know. Can you just tell me what NBS stands for? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 11:04 AM Flag
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Nightingale Bamford School [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:09 PM Flag
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Mom of boys: NBS is a fine school. Dwight on the other hand..... [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 02:49 PM Flag
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NBS is a Fantastic school with a deep history of academic success. This year's senior class, with no college admissions director, performed equally on all fronts with Spence and Chapin! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 05:26 PM Flag
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it looks like a very rigid, uptight place among many rigid, uptight places. such are the ss girls schools! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 06:50 PM Flag
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??? troll [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 08:17 AM Flag
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Where are the letters? I read through the times but did not seem them. Which section? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:56 AM Flag
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there were only 2. I think people savaged Goldman's blog and that's where letters were deleted? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:10 PM Flag
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Style section. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 03:39 PM Flag
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I think it was an inappropriate comment especially for someone who claims to put out an unbiased guide. In addition, why even get herself into the NYC Prep fray? Does she feel like the show is "airing some dirty private school laundry"? So what if it is. Private schools will survive the so-called tarnish and in the end nobody will give a fuck about this show or the kids on them except for when they return for Battle of the Reality Stars. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 03:20 PM Flag
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I have to say in this case VG is spot-on. This would never happen at a top-shelf school. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 05:26 PM Flag
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whatever you may think, is it really at all acceptable to malign children and schools in such a way, in the mass media, no less? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 05:30 PM Flag
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especially VC who held herself out as a neurtal reporteer of schools. Her book is now worthless. She is worthless [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 06:44 PM Flag
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VG^ [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 06:46 PM Flag
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That's ridiculous. First of all, NBS IS top shelf. Second of all, it could easily have been one of the other schools stuck with the embarrassment of having a girl on NYC Prep. You're dreaming if you think the students at NBS are vastly different from those at, say, Brearley. it's just not the case. These girls all come from mostly similar backgrounds and mostly are extremely smart. That doesn't mean they necessarily have great judgment. They're still children. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 05:34 AM Flag
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So you don't think Stuyvesant is 'top-shelf' in spite of the 30 kids they get into Harvard every single year? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 07:23 AM Flag
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something similar did happen at HM a few years back. remember the teacher wrote that book and a bunch of kids were online writing horrible, sexist and prejudiced stuff about teachers? whole NYT article about it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 08:37 AM Flag
[ - ] What do men value in a wife - wefeel like I've tried so hard no noticible results. Husband seems to avoid me - I'm not happy & I assume he isn't either 14 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:48 AM Flag
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i'm sorry you're in this situation. my advice would be to ask DH this question because his answer is the only one that matters. encourage him to be totally open and honest, and don't punish him for it. if he says he's not attracted becuase of whatever (weight, outdated look, no longer sexy), don't take it as an insult, take it as feedback. you want him to be totally honest, even if it's not what you want to hear. and he needs to hear the same honest input from you. GL. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:02 AM Flag
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itttta. Your question shouldn't be, "what do men value in a wife?" but "what does MY husband value in a wife?" The only way you'll know is to ask him, and you may be surprised at the answer. Here's a list of common needs to help you get started: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:29 AM Flag
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Exactly, every man is different. Even the standard 'BJ as often as possible' advice is not universal by any means, neither is anything else. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:31 AM Flag
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re: being surprised at the answer -- this is v true. as a newlywed, i used to ask dh all kinds of questions about his day, etc., bc i thought i was showing interest and support and love, being helpful, etc. etc., and it turned out he hated it and would rather talk about other stuff to relax -- who knew?! figuring out how to make him feel loved and supported was huge, and it only took a minor adjustment. so i encourage you to have the conversation. GL. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:41 AM Flag
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OP Here, Thank you all for good suggestions - and for being so nice, I realized after I wrote the post how whiny it sounded. Marriage builders site is good I'm going to read more (unfortunately have already read quite alot of other materials and seem to be coming up short on implementation). I've also tried asking dh the question directly but don't get much useful feed back, stuff along the lines of 'why would you ask that'. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:01 AM Flag
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you and dh should have a really serious conversation. so that when he says why do you ask that, you say because i've noticed xyz changes, and i'm wondering if it means you're unhappy or something has changed. i didn't post the marriagebuilders site, but it's a good one, and i think they also have little questionnaires you both can do to see whether you're close or far apart on certain issues. GL. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:04 AM Flag
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OR: so glad you liked the site! I think it had a lot of good practical advice that saved our marriage (10th anniversary coming up!) though there are some things I know we ought to be doing, like spending more solo time together. But at least I've identified our weak spots, so that when we have conflicts I'm not completely mystified. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:47 PM Flag
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what makes you think he's unhappy? really, sometimes guys are fine and have no clue that you are miserable. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:54 PM Flag
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Twenty seven years married. Keep talking, find things to talk about... the kids, the news, relatives, the neighborhood, work (sometimes), do stuff together even if it's a visit to the local pub. Hold hands, bite your tongue when you want to have a mean response. It [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:37 PM Flag
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I agree with EVERYTHING everyone has said above. But I would like to add, and I know this is going to come across as 50's housewifey, which it is not and if you knew me you would know I nothing like that, but give a guy a break. I see so many of my friends act like total bitches to husbands, nagging and nasty. Is it his "job" to take out the garbage, but is he really into a game he is watching? rather than standing there saying "can please take this out now! it smells" etc. THis time do it yourself! Men appreciate when you do thoughtful kind things for them just as much as we appreciate it. And you get what you receive. I have been taking this approach with mu husband lately and I have to aay it has really improved our day to day bickering and irritation level and he has been much more helpful without being asked. Yesterday I laid down for 10 minutes to catch my breath from the day and when I came out the kitchen was clean and all the toys put away. Not a big deal, and nothing he should get a medal for doing, but he did it, and I didn't ask. Ok, I am rambling.. GL to you! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 09:01 AM Flag
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Have you tried _not_ talking about it? If you've been bringing the issue up to him a lot lately, with the slant of "Why are YOU avoiding ME?" you're probably making it worse. Men are pretty sensitive when they feel like they're being cornered or guilted, usually because they do realize there's a problem and aren't sure how to cope with it. Try NOT talking to him about it; become more aware of how you two interact. I read a recent article on CNN that's helped me take a fresh look at how women approach men in these kinds of situations. Give it a read: http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/09/26/o.improve.your.marriage/index.html [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 02:48 PM Flag
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The problem is becuase you are fat and too old. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.18.09, 11:31 AM Flag
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Find something you can do together which you can enjoy together...not necessarily sex, but a shared interest. It could be tennis, or cooking, or something. You spend so much time being a family, you can forget to be a couple. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.09, 01:06 PM Flag
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Do you know the old joke... "What do I want in a woman? Me." [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.09, 10:55 PM Flag
[ - ] Help me out here. What do kids who go to Hunter do after 6th grade, or for that matter Anderson after 8th grade? Are there G&T quality MS and HS public options, and what are the admission criteria/options to these? If they go to private in MS/HS, is it impossible to get into? Because it is so much cheaper than sending them the private k-12 and you get the advantage of admissions help for colleges? 9 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:40 AM Flag
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Most kids in Hunter elementary continue on to Hunter high school. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:43 AM Flag
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So the Hunter option is not really a K-6. The quality of education is fairly decent throughout till 12? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:04 AM Flag
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Are you fake? Or simply very ignorant? Yes, dcs at Hunter get a "fairly decent" education -- that's an accurate way to describe it. Just like dcs get a "fairly decent" education at most tt privates. But if all that matters is college acceptance, and your dc isn't really smart enough to excel academically without alot of special attention, you definitely need private school. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:15 AM Flag
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Hunter is one of the best high schools in the country. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 03:09 PM Flag
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You need to get alot more information about NYC schools if you are completely unaware of G&T quality MS and HS publics. First, Hunter is K-12, unless dc is (very rarely) asked to leave. There are many h.s. like Stuy, Bronx Science, Beacon, Bard that are filled with the smartest dcs. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:12 AM Flag
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MS and HS are not G&T, entrance is pretty much always based on academic achievement and IQ is irrelevant at that point. There are loads of selective MS and HS options in NYC. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:30 AM Flag
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Did you just fall off the turnip truck with your newborn? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:49 AM Flag
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The Hunter elementary school website refers to the Hunter "schools." I'm not OP, but this can be confusing. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 04:10 PM Flag
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I know, but it was her follow-up about the quality of education being "fairly decent" that really made it over the top. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 05:09 PM Flag
[ - ] DH and I are so annoyed. MIL called and asked us to come to a surprise bday part for DH's grandmother's 90th bday next month. We've got 3 dcs, already have all plans set for summer (and spent the $), I am currently umemployed and it would cost close to $4k for all of us to go (and we already visited in Feb this year, we would have postponed our trip to August if we had known). When my grandmother turned 90 we planned a party 1 year in advance. We really would love to be there, but honestly can't change plans for a family of 5 at the last minute for so many reasons (money, scheduling, etc). WWYD? 185 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
Toddler 07.12.09, 08:14 AM Flag
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I would say no, you can't. where is the party? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:16 AM Flag
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Arizona, which is a full day of travel both ways with connections too [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:36 AM Flag
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i would go. she won't live for much longer (or have another big party this way). it's true the planners should have been better organized, but i would still go if it were me so as not to punish dh's grandmother. take the 4k out of your budget for the rest of the year. it's worth the sacrifice, imo. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:18 AM Flag
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At least DH should go! His grandmother is turning 90, for goodness sakes! How wonderful and how lucky for your family to still have her! Come to think of it...YOU SHOULD ALL GO! You can take your other vacation another time. (And, yes, it should have been planned sooner, but you can't go backward, so just go with it!) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:40 AM Flag
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Can you leave the DCs behind with your family? You should find a way to go, even if you are annoyed. You may regret it if you don't. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:56 AM Flag
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ITA with the regrets part, but i would find a way to bring the kids. part of the joy for older people is seeing grandchildren, great grandchildren. plus, it will be nice for history to have a huge picture taken with all the generations represented. OP should definitely go -- it's the type of thing you just can't do over when you have regrets later. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:00 AM Flag
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i was thinking of the $$ factor for OP, but I do agree with you. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:02 AM Flag
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you are a nice person. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:01 PM Flag
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yes - annoying, but important to figure out a way to go. This is history and family. it would be terrible not to participate. I do agree that it would have been better if planned sooner in advance, but, if it was a funeral -you'd only have a few days notice. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:25 AM Flag
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If it were a funeral, we won't take DCs (in fact, prob only dh would go) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:45 AM Flag
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Any possibility that you could ask the scheduling of one or the other (vacation or bday) be changed? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:32 AM Flag
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Camp and vacation paid for and can't be changed. Mil isn't interested in another date for party (in fact, her other dcs also probably can't come). I hear everyone about seeing her being important and the event, but we did just see her 6 months ago and with how our families are spread all over the country we cannot make a trip to each of them more than 1x a year for money and time reasons. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:41 AM Flag
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then it sounds like you don't really want advice, you want validation. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:42 AM Flag
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i was just going to say the say the same thing. sounds like OP has her mind made up. if it were me, i would send the the kids to camp and go. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:48 AM Flag
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if you mean do both, then i agree w/you. 4k is a lot and feels like a lot, but it's really not over a lifetime of employment, and this is a once in a lifetime celebration. i would have the kids miss a few days of camp and have the entire family attend the party. hopefully the other siblings will do the same. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:51 AM Flag
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$4k is a lot since I am the sole breadwinner and currently unemployed [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:00 AM Flag
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so it means you're def going to have to cut back this year and next year anyway, and can account for this 4k in that process. i assume you put dc in 8k daycamp and organized vaca for fam of 5 before you became unemployed. if you were still able to make that decision after becoming unemployed, then sounds like you've got sizeable savings. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:10 AM Flag
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Op: we've already cut back a lot, these commitments were already made. Only other place to cut would be to pull dcs out of their schools which I don't think even a grandmother's 90th bday party warrants. We do have savings, but we don't want to start living off those now as it may take a while for me to find a job. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:10 PM Flag
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Good for you OP. Do what is best for your family. If you and your children already have a good relationship with your grandmother-in-law there is no need for you to feel guilty about not participating in her 90th birthday. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:17 PM Flag
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didn't you say that your MIL offered to pay? why wouldn't you accept that? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:19 PM Flag
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Op: she offered to pay for some, but right now 1/2 of her monthly income comes from her mother, other 1/2 ss, thus I wouldn't accept her paying for something she can't afford. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:26 PM Flag
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if this is important enough so that SHE's willing to cut back so that your family can go, how can you decide that she shouldn't do that? in any event, i thought you said she'd get the $$ from gm (who obviously has some to spare if she's still supporting your dh's mother). [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:28 PM Flag
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You don't get it. Mil is on a bare bones budget (dh helped her with it) of about $18k per year, she cannot afford it and I don't think she should offer to spend dh's gm's money. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:43 PM Flag
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how can she spend gm's money w/o gm's consent? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:45 PM Flag
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Op: she can't, so what would happen is she would commit to us and then when the time came to pay she would ask gm, putting her in a tough place [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:20 PM Flag
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are you saying gm would be able to write the check if she wanted to? how does GM have so much money as a 90 yo? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:22 PM Flag
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Op: everyone thinks it is so simple. Yes, gm has $4k in the bank, but she has to make sure the $$ she has lasts for the rest of her life. It's not cheap when you are old. I don't think it would be a wise use of her money. It's not like she has $10 million or more. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:49 PM Flag
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how is it 4k [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 12:30 AM Flag
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Op: kids are 6,3, and 1yo (older 2 in camp), so it is day camp, I can't leave them here.and before you flame, 6yo's camp was close to $8k, so I don't just want to ditch it [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:53 AM Flag
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why do you have to ditch it? won't they only miss a few days? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:57 AM Flag
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Isn't the party on a weekend? You may miss a day or two, not a big deal. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:22 AM Flag
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Perhaps. We are thinking about dh just going, or trying to go later in the year. I know its not about her, but this is also a very typical selfish way mil acts, expects people to drop everything for her. We are kind, thoughtful people, would love to be there, but also at some point have to respect our own family time and finances. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:50 AM Flag
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but don't you see that this isn't about MIL at all? she's a minor player in this. the real focus is on the grandmother, whom you're punishing b/c mil is annoying to you, which doesn't seem right, does it? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:52 AM Flag
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I disagree. It sounds to me like this is all about the MIL. If your family is scattered around the country, who plans a big party and gives people 1 month's notice? If you really want people to come, you give plenty of notice. If you're trying to demonstrate your control over you sons, you spring a grandmother's milestone bday on people. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:41 AM Flag
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who does that? people with children/grandchildren who can afford to come. remember, gm could afford to help defray 4k in costs. how many 90 yos do you know with that kind of disposable income? we're obviously talking about a relatively moneyed family. OP should just go -- can't really see a reason not to, other than being annoyed with MIL, which isn't a reason. as other posters have indicated, $$ doesn't really seem to be the true motivation here. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:47 AM Flag
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who also does that? manipulative mother-in-laws. But I agree, if the mil wants to pay, then there's no really good reason not to go. The kids can miss a few days of camp for their 90yo gm. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:57 AM Flag
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right. the point is that, ultimately, this is about a celebration of gm, whose 90th birthday is about to come and go regardless of the way in which mil is behaving. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 11:01 AM Flag
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Op: thank you for putting this into words. This is exaxtly how I feel. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:05 PM Flag
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note that even that person with whom you are agreeing thought you should go. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:11 PM Flag
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Op: I didn't read it that way. I was agreeing that this is about mil, not dh's gm [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:21 PM Flag
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keep reading that person's posts. regardless of "who it's about", they thought you should go. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:22 PM Flag
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OR: I think this is fairly typical mil behavior. I'm surprised so many people didn't recognize it. It's not that I think there's a good reason to go, but unfortunately, she hasn't really left you with a good reason not to go. maybe someone could come down with the swine flu :) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:42 PM Flag
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can your MIL chip in and defray your costs? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:52 AM Flag
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Ha, she offered to, but the reality is that she doesn't even support herself and she would be getting $ from her mother [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:58 AM Flag
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Surprise birthday party for a 90 yo might not be such a great idea. How is her heart? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:54 AM Flag
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at that age, ppl don't necessarily do the whole SURPRISE!!! thing. it's just a big party where everyone is present, sings, there's food and cake and pictures, etc., etc. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:07 AM Flag
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We would not go if this was us. We recently traveled to my sisters wedding (overseas) where we saw everyone. We are not going to my dad's 70th party also overseas. Too much money and we just saw everyone 2m ago. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:56 AM Flag
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70th bday is a wee bit different from 90. the 90 yo is not likely to live that much longer. and it's not overseas. it's AZ. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:58 AM Flag
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It obviously must not be very important for your *DH*. I mean it's HIS grandmother who's turning 90 and he wasn't in on the planning at all (at least you didn't mention it). Sounds like he couldn't care less--and how many more b-days is his g-mother going to have? Why are you taking the brunt of figuring this out if it's dh's grandmother's celebration? What does DH say (if anything)? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:01 AM Flag
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OP is the sole breadwinner, so it's prob her decision since she's the one who will write the check. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:11 AM Flag
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didn't she say she was on UE [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:14 AM Flag
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yes, but if they're living off the savings she generated when she was working, dh may still feel that it's ultimately up to her re: whether to write the check. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:16 AM Flag
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Op: dh and I will decide together. Yes, he wants to go to his grandmother's party, but otoh, he does not want us to do it at any cost ($ and other) to our family.unforunately, mil has put us in a position of having to be the "bad guy" because it is about her. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:35 PM Flag
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Are you for real? If you were a SAHM, do you really think it would be DH's call and you'd have no say? That would be one crap of a marriage. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 04:44 PM Flag
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I never said "no say", but I do think it would influence the situation. undoubtedly. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 04:53 PM Flag
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Everyone should go. For the grandmother, she would want to see her great grand children. You are willing to spend $8K on a 6 years old, but not $4k on a 90 years old? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:10 AM Flag
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lol -- good point!! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:12 AM Flag
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my thoughts EXACTLY--if OP and her family are in the position to spend that kind of money on camp, i don't get why she's crying poor about the g-mother's 90th bday party. and, considering they DID attend her grandmother's 90th bday party (and, frankly, who cares that it was planned a year in advance--yes, it makes it easier, but it's not like MIL is giving them a week's notice or anything). OP just doesn't want to go, and perhaps she's a little pissed that her husband doesn't pull his weight money-wise and doesn't want to spend on his family's important events. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:27 AM Flag
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NP: 1st, they might have booked the camp before OP lost her job. 2nd, if they did their budge, they might easily just not have the 4k NOW. It's not like they can unwind their camp expense. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 11:12 AM Flag
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yes, but they can cut out other things later. op obviously is living something of the good life based on reported expenses for a couple of months in the summertime. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 11:16 AM Flag
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I don't think we know enough about the situation to say what they can and cannot cut later. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 11:25 AM Flag
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i agree, and i don't purport to do that. i said OP should decide what to cut later to afford the trip. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 11:32 AM Flag
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That assumes there is in fact something to cut. We don't know that there is, and (as a poster below said) to put this on a CC with no plan as how to pay for it is probably a bad idea. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 11:58 AM Flag
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op is spending 8k on daycamp for a 6yo, which tells you something about the family's spending habits. let her come on and say there's nothing to cut. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:01 PM Flag
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Op: see above. At this point it would have to be DCs schools. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:17 PM Flag
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Sounds like your mind is quite made-up. If you feel guilty about it, I would take the $ offer from the mother (regardless of where it comes from). After all, you are laid off and times a very tough out there. If she is willing to help you out $- wise how can you say no? Don't punish the poor 90yo woman. You may not get a chance to see her again, god-forbid [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:29 AM Flag
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Just curious OP -- what did you do before you lost your job? You have 3 kids, a SAHD, and you spent 8k for ONE dc to go to daycamp (not even sleep away camp). you've planned and are taking a vacation for a family of 5. And you're in NYC. I'm guessing that you were in finance and recently laid off from one of the banks or something similar to that. If that's the case, please don't make $$ the issue. 4k does feel painful, but you're soooooo much better off than most of the country (the world, even). [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:34 AM Flag
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gp [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:38 AM Flag
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i couldn't agree more [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 11:52 AM Flag
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She may be better off than many, many people, but it does not follow from this that she has 4k to spare. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:56 PM Flag
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we can agree to disagree on that. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:02 PM Flag
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See, I don't see how you can know this. Unless, you feel that this event is important enough, that it should come before any possible other expense OP has (school. medical expenses, saving for retirement) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:09 PM Flag
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i can tell this based on op's spending habits. just don't believe there isn't room for 4k over the course of a year's budget. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:11 PM Flag
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What part of "unemployed" do you not understand? they have no income!! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:14 PM Flag
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well they're not living on love, hon. obviously, there is a budget and it's not so dire that they have to pull their 2 kids out of private school. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:17 PM Flag
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So you'd pull kids of of school to pay for this? Really? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:17 PM Flag
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it really needn't come down to that. op has the money. even if she can't find it in the budget, she already said they have savings. the only issue is whether to spend it on an occasion such as this. my op is yes. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:25 PM Flag
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i assumed that she was unemployed but her dh fairly well employed [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 05:22 PM Flag
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DH could go but I would not put out the money for an event I cannot afford. It's as simple as that. For an emergency of some sort, yes. But for at birthday party even for a 90 year old grandmother, no. I you can't afford it, you can't afford it. I'm not putting 4 grand on a credit card knowing it would be difficult decision for my family to pay it back. I think people don't want to make hard decisions and say no when it comes to money and just keep going deeper and deeper into debt. I love my grandmother and have visited with her many times but if I could not afford to go to her 90th birthday I would not do it as I don't need to make a special trip to prove my love to her. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 11:42 AM Flag
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i agree with this. for the record, though, i don't think what you're arguing against is what the posters urging attendance are saying. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 11:46 AM Flag
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Agreed. Don't know why people are assuming that OP has tons of savings, even if previous decisions such as camp & vacation were foolhardy now that she has lost her job, they are basically suggesting she dig herself DEEPER. This board is so contrary that way - every post seems to just bring out the people who disagree with OPs. Where are the fiscal responsibility posters? Ms Live Within Your Means? OP, I agree with your decision. MIL was very late in planning this "surprise" party. If other DCs can't go, I am betting she scales down the party so that your absence won't be a big deal. I think everyone including grandma will understand that someone who can't even support HERSELF should not be making grand plans for everyone else. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 11:53 AM Flag
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ITA [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 11:55 AM Flag
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I third the agreement. OF course, ideally, we'd all have enough saved to account for this kind of thing, but if she doesn't have it, she doesn't have it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:00 PM Flag
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^^^Oh and this smacks of guilt on MIL's part that she didn't plan anything sooner and now she can make last-ditch attempt & act like she did try but everyone else failed... please. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 11:55 AM Flag
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np: fwiw i agree that there's a bit of a conflict in not wanting to spend $4k when all this other money is being spent rather than saved (camp, vacation etc), but that doesn't mean that just because she has already spent all that money, she should go on this trip and spend more. i wouldn't go personally (maybe my dh would) but that's because it's hard to judge the situation w/out thinking of my own family dynamic. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:01 PM Flag
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I don't see a conflict. The money has been spent on events OP wanted to give to her family. It is her money and her right to do so. To shell out another 4K on an event she had not anticipated, with a job loss, and other financial responsibilities like mortgage or rent out of guilt is ridiculous. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:10 PM Flag
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forgetting MIL and her shenanigans for a second, dh's grandmother is turning 90. for a lot of families that is a big deal. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:15 PM Flag
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apparently. gm is offering to pay for the trip. does that change things? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:18 PM Flag
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OP didn't say that -- she said MIL offered but doesn't really have the money, she'd have to get it from GM, who may have lots of money, or may not. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:25 PM Flag
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if GM doesn't have the money, she won't pay for it. if she does, why not accept? or if MIL is willing to cut back her own expenses for OP's family to go, why not accept that? the point is that it's really not about money. it may be about a bunch of other things, but not $$. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:33 PM Flag
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I agree that their seem to be a bunch of things going on here. Given the info we have, we don't know whether it is about the $$ or not, and posters are making lots of assumptions about how OP MUST really have the money and can just budget around this. Maybe, maybe not. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:38 PM Flag
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oh, please. no one is counseling fiscal irresponsibility. moreover, if you read the whole thread, gm has enough to pay for the trip. GM -- a 90 yo woman has enough disretionary income to defray their costs. this is not about money. moreover, op has never said she'd have to go into debt to afford it. and she won't. my guess based on facts relayed thus far is that she's in finance and has plenty of $$ to spare. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:05 PM Flag
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You seem to have another beef here and seem to have a crystal ball that tells you OP has tons of money to spare. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:13 PM Flag
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i have no beef at all. i'm just intimately familiar with the field. if op has 3 kids, a stay at home dh, and could afford to send a 6yo to 8k daycamp, she's not hurting for $$, and she's never said that she is. besides, whether she can afford it is beside the point since mil offered to defray costs. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:18 PM Flag
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she mentions money 3 or 4 times in her initial post. if $ is not the issue, is it just that she feels put-out at not having been invited in a timely manner? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:19 PM Flag
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sounds like it to me. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:22 PM Flag
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I think you do have a beef as you keep harping on how much she spent for camp. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:21 PM Flag
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what beef would I have? anyway, you can think what you want. My point is that VERY few people can afford to spend 8k on camp for a 6 yo -- it gives you an idea of the economic bracket of OP's family and what they're willing to spend. besides all this, the $$ is not the point as the MIL/GM can pay and have offered to do so. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:25 PM Flag
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NP: No, what it gives you is a sense of their spending, and perhaps their peer group. It tells you absolutely nothing about their income bracket, or budget, or sense of frugality. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:07 PM Flag
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itda [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:13 PM Flag
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Again, how ca possiibly be so sure? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:23 PM Flag
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It doesn't give me an idea of anything once a person says they loss there job. Job loss changes the whole ball game. I don't care if you were making 30 grand a year or 3 mil. A job loss is financially devastating for just about every family save for Bill Gates and Will Smith. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:08 PM Flag
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ITA. I wonder if this is the same poster as the one below who thinks that a family of 5 making 300k before taxes has 4k worth of room in their annual budget. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:11 PM Flag
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did OP say she made 300k pre-tax, including bonuses? if so, missed that. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:14 PM Flag
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No, not at all. Never said. But their is a poster above who "can just tell" that the OP has this money somewhere, even if she made (in the past) 300k. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:15 PM Flag
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^^^there [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:15 PM Flag
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it's all hypothetical, then -- op will have to say or it will remain a mystery! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:20 PM Flag
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I love the all these UBers with magic powers, telepathy and crystal balls. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:24 PM Flag
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crystal balls are tons more effective when you can read the facts, in addition ;o) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:26 PM Flag
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What facts? OP never said how much she made so everything else is just amateur guesswork. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:30 PM Flag
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you'll have to read the thread. it's clear that op has the $, the decision is whether to spend it in light of the facts. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:34 PM Flag
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I read the thread. She is living off of savings at this time. If I were living off of savings, I would think twice about every upcoming expense and many events would get declined including this one. If I'm thought of as being the bad guy or cruel, so be it. I can live with that. I don't need for my gm to turn 90 to celebrate her life. I do that all the time being close and loving to her year round. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:42 PM Flag
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that's exactly what I said -- this is not about a crystal ball -- she has the money -- the decision is whether to spend the money, and she is askig posters wwyd. i say spend it, you say don't. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:48 PM Flag
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What "field" are you intimately familiar with? how can you possibly know what they can afford right now? The issue is not whether they should have been more prudent in the past, it's how much they have right now, and what the OP's job forecast is. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:26 PM Flag
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i'm intimately familiar with the types of jobs in nyc that let you send at least two of your kids to private schools, 8k daycamp, and sahd. are you? if so, then you know what i'm talking about. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:30 PM Flag
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Yes, very. But what niether of us is familiar with is the spending/budget of the family. Were they making 300k and pushing themselves to the edge of comfort? or 3 mil, and OP is being ridiculous. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:33 PM Flag
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it doesn't matter. whether they're making 300k or 3mm, they can find 4k in the budget. for example, cut back on the type of christmas they're going to have, cut back on what they spend on vacation when they get there, cut back on dinners out. over the course of the next 6 mos or less, they could find 4k if they had to/wanted to, notwithstanding the fact that mil/gm have offered to defray the costs. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:38 PM Flag
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I don't see you you can know that they can do this, magically. If OP has no job, they may have already cut out future outlays. They can't to anything about camp, or things paid for before. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:40 PM Flag
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op already said that if it were a funeral they were talking about or some other emergency, they would pay for dh to attend. clearly, there is discretionary money in the budget. if that's not apparent to you, then, ok, so be it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:42 PM Flag
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If you think that this is something that someone should drain every last penny for, then OK. But I'm not sure this is in that category. Again. it depends on the true financial situation of the people involved, and we don't have that, we just don't. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:53 PM Flag
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How do you know she hasn't done these things already. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:48 PM Flag
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Wait, you think a family of 5 with a past income of 300K and no current income ( presumably in NYC) can find 4k without difficuly? Are you joking? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:55 PM Flag
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over the course of a year's worth of spending, which is what I suggested? yes. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:57 PM Flag
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Wait, really? You think that? I'm sort of at a loss. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:01 PM Flag
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Op: you are wrong. Mil offered to pay for part of the trip, but we know she doesn't have the $ (we have given her lots in the past, she has zero savings and lives hand to mouth with the help of HER mother (DH's gm) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:07 PM Flag
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is next month really that late for planning a birthday party for a lady who might not have made it to 90? it's summer, most people can take a weekend off, and airfares are dirt cheap. I don't know what it would cost, but 4K sounds ridiculously pricey. to get to my grandmas with 5 of us in our family all in costs less than 2K. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 12:28 AM Flag
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I have a similar MIL. Always making last minute plans and expecting us to change ours. I think you have many valid reasons for not going. Sometimes for a variety of good reasons you just can't accept an invitation. To say that not attending one party,especially when you just visited,means anything negative about about your relationship with DH's grandmother is unfair. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:12 PM Flag
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two times a year is a lot to see grandma? how often do your kids see their grandparents? february is "just visited?" [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 12:20 AM Flag
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For all you belated posters: this is NOT about money -- please read the whole thread. MIL, through GM, offered to defray costs for the trip. moreover, OP has not said she would have to go into debt or otherwise seriously hurt her family to attend. nor has she said there's nothing to be cut over the next 12 months that could make up for this 4k expenditure (which they really don't have to make if they don't want to). Let's just call it for what it is: OP simply doesn't want to go. it is not about the money. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:15 PM Flag
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Why would she or should she take 4 grand from her grandmother-in-law? I know it's something I would not do. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:18 PM Flag
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if it's important to the mil and gm that the family be there, and if they are willing to pay, why NOT accept the money? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:21 PM Flag
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Can't speak for OP, but I do not accept nor do I ask for money from my in-laws under any circumstances. If I don't have the money. I don't have it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:25 PM Flag
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ok, but then the issue isn't money. It's pride. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:27 PM Flag
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Pretty much. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:30 PM Flag
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right. so all i'm saying is that op should call it for what it is. don't blame it on $$ because that's not what it's about. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:35 PM Flag
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What the hell are you talking about? OP doesn't have the money at this time. If you accept handouts from other people that's your business. Enjoy the foodstamp line. OP does not want to accept that kind of money even as a gift and I don't blame her. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:40 PM Flag
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hahaha! this made me lol. i am far enough from the foodstamp line that this was actually hilarious to me. as to the rest: read milton friedman -- there are always choices to be made. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:47 PM Flag
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Of course there are always choices and if OP chooses not to attend her grandmother-in-laws birthday party for financial reasons, especially being that she nor her husband have a job at this time, I support that decision. If she doesn't want to accept that kind of money for the trip from gm-in-law out of pride or I support that decision too. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:51 PM Flag
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and I do not given the significance of the occasion and what seems to me to be an underlying reason of irritation against mil. so there you have it. we can agree to disagree. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:55 PM Flag
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Op: no, its not pride at all. 1) mil is offering money she doesn't have. Gm hasn't offered because it is a surprise party. 2) could I literally find $4k, yes, but I don't find it fiscally prudent given my current unemployment and lack of near-term employment. 3) money isn't the only issue, it would also be very disruptive to our family's summer plans, which are locked in at this point and paid for. I don't think I should waste $6k between missed camp and vacation for a last minute request coming from mil. 5) we were there recently to see dh's gm, so I don't feel guilty. Hopefully we can visit her next year when I am hopefully reemployed. At the end of the day, it is a combo of money and other factors. I think mil will be p*ssed if we don't go, but not dh's gm. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:40 PM Flag
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at least the spade has now finally been called a spade ;o) Look, op, i hear you. but because it's not really only about the money and being able to afford it, I just think -- and obviously just my opinion -- that gm's 90th is worth it. go this year and don't go next year. it's an historic event -- few folks live that long. she may not live to the next one. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:55 PM Flag
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^^think about, and ask dh about, whether you, dh, or your children (or she!) would feel differently about going if somehow you knew she was going to die in October and this was your last chance to see her. if you think it would make a difference to your decision, then go. because at that age, it may well be the last chance. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 02:02 PM Flag
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Op: honestly, if she passes away, we will be sad, but will feel good that she saw the great grandkids (incl the new baby) in Feb. For us, missing the party won't be that important as I feel that we have made a lot of effort to visit over the years and recently. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 05:19 PM Flag
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then you have your answer. a lot of people wouldn't make that trade. but you're the one who has to live with the decision, and your family is the only one that needs to be comfortable with it, regardless of what other people would do. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 05:37 PM Flag
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^^and I will say, but i'm sure you know this already, that i think it's a v selfish and unfortunate trade to make, especially because you can find the $$ in the budget, assuming it really costs 4k to go (which I've been telling this board all along) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 04:56 AM Flag
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You misread -- MIL offered, and she doesn't have the money. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:28 PM Flag
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no i didn't misread. MIL offered but she'd be getting the money from gm, who already supports half of MIL's living expenses. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:31 PM Flag
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If you would accept money for the trip so be it. OP does not want to do this and I can understand why. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:33 PM Flag
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my point is this: this is not about money, and op should just be honest about it. it's a personal pet peeve of mine for people to blame things that are not really the reason. if she doesn't want to go b/c she's irritated at mil, then she should just be honest about it instead of saying it's about money when it's not. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:40 PM Flag
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She said in her post she was irritated AND she doesn't have the money. Why can't it be both? I think you are being purposely being obtuse. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:43 PM Flag
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au contraire. i am all about clarity, which is why op's $ reason for non-attendance is irritating to me and others on this thread. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:49 PM Flag
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It seems silly to get irritated about the financial decisions of people you don't know. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:53 PM Flag
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you misread my post. i'm not irritated at all by her financial decisions. i get irritated when people want to call a spade a horseshoe. personal pet peeve. may not be yours. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:01 PM Flag
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Even less of reason to get irritated. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:19 PM Flag
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your purporting to tell me what my pet peeves should be shows a good bit of chutzpah! ;o) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:28 PM Flag
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And again, we don't know whether the GM's financial situation makes this prudent. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:36 PM Flag
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that's her decision to make, though, isn't it? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:44 PM Flag
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Well, given that it's a surprise party, sounds like MIL made this decision, not GM. And sometimes the fincancial decsions of 90 yr olds are not so good. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:50 PM Flag
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I'm wondering how the MIL is getting this money? Did the gm offer it? Is she playing fast and loose with GM's checkbook? The fact that the MIL is volunteering money that doesn't belong to her is something I find quite odd and if I were OP I would not touch that money with a ten foot pole. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:55 PM Flag
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she didn't offer gm's money -- op assumed that's where she would get it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:59 PM Flag
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The MIL is living off of 18k per year. Half from her mother and half from S.S. 4K is a big chunk of change and I'm pretty sure she is not getting it from social security. Which means she getting it from her mother or already cutting it from her small income. Either way I still would not take that money and agree with OP for not accepting it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:05 PM Flag
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ok, well that's you. plenty of others on here disagree. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:10 PM Flag
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There are others who agree with me. What does it matter? UB is not a popularity contest. Just others stating their peace. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:12 PM Flag
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it doesn't matter, i agree -- it's all just opinion. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:16 PM Flag
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it won't be a surprise anymore if gm foots the bill. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:56 PM Flag
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Hi OP ~waving~ is there anyway the camp would refund some or half of the money if your DC goes to less camp? I know it's probably near impossible, but I guess it won't hurt to ask? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:10 PM Flag
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Op: thanks, but they have a no refund policy. Maybe if I lied and said it was a death, but I won't do this. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 02:19 PM Flag
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I figured it would be a long shot. Ugh. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 03:24 PM Flag
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so you stay home with the kid in camp and send dh and the rest. besides, most day camps are only M-F, isn't the party on a weekend? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 12:21 AM Flag
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all of our family is out of state. they all make demands on us, sometimes last-minute. if they want to come visit us that's great and we deal even if the timing is bad. if we are "asked" [more like guilted] to go visit them and the timing is bad - dh's work, dd's potty training, i'm expecting and tired - or if the money just isn't there at that time, we politely decline and that's that. took me years to do this, especially with my mother, but there's really no end and she's never satisfied. she doesn't understand why we can't just withhold $ from our dd's 529, our savings etc for a couple of months to fly to wherever she is. too bad if she can't, these are our priorities. she has offered here and there to pay for tickets but we're just not comfortable in accepting, for many reasons. basically i'm saying that if it's important for dh, have him go to his grandmother's bday. otherwise if it's just not a good time or money is tight, politely decline. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 05:29 PM Flag
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--comfortable with that. basically if dh wants to go to the bday that would be a good option, but otherwise if the timing is bad, traveling w/the kids is tough for you or you just don't have the money, politely decline. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 05:30 PM Flag
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i would bet or that you visit family more than once a year. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 12:23 AM Flag
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I think it was very inconsiderate of your MIL not to have given you more notice about this party. It's upsetting, because if you had known, I'm sure you would have made your arrangements for the summer around the party. I think you should talk to her about a different party where people would have time to make plans. Why does it have to be exactly on the grandmother's 90th birthday?? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 06:33 PM Flag
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oh come on, OP gave a party for her grandma on her 90th birthday. she didn't expect one for her dh's grandma? She knew the date. and why is MIL having to host and arrange instead of dh and siblings? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 12:16 AM Flag
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I'm bringing the kids to my grandma's 100th birthday party this month. Wouldn't miss it for the world. it was MY decision, not dh's. your dh should make this decision, not you. i would tell dh he can go and bring the kids if he thinks it is what he wants to do. you are in no position to judge his relationship with his grandma. if he doesn't want to go, fine. but you should support him either way. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:48 PM Flag
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sorry, that sounded a little harsh and i didn't mean it to. i just think dhs and dws would have less trouble in life if they let each other manage their own families. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 11:01 PM Flag
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Hey, when you are 90 you don't buy green bananas and you don't buy tickets to visit a 90 year old a year in advance, unless you're stupid. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 11:51 PM Flag
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;o) gp [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 04:58 AM Flag
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MIL sees kids once a year or you normally fly her out to visit you at least a couple of times a year at your expense when you have had $$? if you were flying her out or visiting a lot more often than skip the party. if MIL sees kids once a year then go to the party. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 11:53 PM Flag
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4*250 (airfare nyc-phoenix in august, assuming dh and kids go and you stay home because you obviously hate MIL) + 300 hotel + 100 car = $1400, not $4k. stay home, send hubby and kids. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 12:05 AM Flag
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are you kidding? no WAY is this going to cost 1400 -- not when you have to fly first class, stay at the 4 seasons, and rent a hummer (or a car and driver). don't be ridiculous. it's not like former MD mama should slum it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 04:54 AM Flag
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if this isn't a fake, it's pretty funny. you're freaked out because you have a huge lifestyle and no income. MIL and grandma are a convenient problem to yell about. you know you should go or at least let dh go but are stressed and ticked off so you are focusing on a trivial issue compared to your overall lifestyle and unemployed status. don't think you'll be seeing much validation here, but don't take it to heart. this issue isn't big enough to be what's really freaking you out. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 12:13 AM Flag
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i think dh should go alone. in these financially difficult times, family will understand that you and dc stayed behind. but this is dh's gm and she may not be around a lot longer and i wouldn't want to live with the regret of dh not being there for her. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 03:01 AM Flag
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I am surprised everyone is acting like this is not a big deal. Money aside (and it is very expensive) who can take a family of five across the country with short notice, barring an emergency? This is frustrating on the part of the MIL and I think for sure that dh should go alone, honor the grandmother, and call it a day. you just went there and paid your respects.... Stay home w/the dcs, make sure your dh goes, and that's that. Sheesh, everyone! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 04:13 PM Flag
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i regularly take 2 kids by myself or with dh halfway across the country on less than a month notice for easily less than $2k every time. it actually isn't hard or that expensive. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.14.09, 12:13 AM Flag
[ - ] Is it safe to take Mucinez DM with Advil Cold & Sinus? 1 Reply [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 07:53 AM Flag
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Check to see what kind of cough suppressant/expectorant the Advil C&S contains [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:18 AM Flag
[ - ] I'll have to go into the hospital on extended bed rest, and it's expected that my babies will have to spend time in the NICU. I'm in NYC - do you recommend Mt Sinai, Cornell, or Columbia? 56 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
Expecting 07.12.09, 07:44 AM Flag
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Only know Columbia and local hospitals. Columbia rocks. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 07:48 AM Flag
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For the NICU? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 07:49 AM Flag
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OP - I'm looking for opinions both on what's the best NICU and also what's the best place to spend 2+ months on hospital bedrest [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 07:52 AM Flag
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Btdt with my twins. Columbia nicu is tops. Cornell a close second. But who is your ob? This kinda factors in! Why are you thinking long hosp stay and nicu will be necessry? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:06 AM Flag
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My membranes ruptured so I need to go in at 24 weeks (If I don't go into labor before that.) My OB is at Cornell right now - but if I can find another OB willing to take me on, I'd like to switch... [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:11 AM Flag
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Who is your current OB? Why would you like to switch? I would recommend Cornell or Sinai - not sure where you would be in Sinai but they might have you in the new section and that is quite nic. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:19 AM Flag
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^nice. Also, both NICUs are fantastic. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:20 AM Flag
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My current OB is Sylvestre. He seems to be very popular/well-liked, but I've had a ton of complications with this pg and I'm not a big fan of the way he's handled things. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:25 AM Flag
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Gotcha. You may not want to switch w/in the Cornell system but if you do, I can't recommend Leonard/Dobrenis highly enough. I've had 2 db's with them, first one w/complications during birth. LOVE them. There's a woman at Mt Sinai that many people love - I can't remember her name... Ugh. Will try to find it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:29 AM Flag
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^ She specializes in high risk [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:29 AM Flag
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OP - Thanks! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:30 AM Flag
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OK, found it. Shari Brasner. In practice with Blumberg - can't remember her first name. One of my best friends worked with them for several years. Best of luck! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:34 AM Flag
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OP - thanks, really appreciate [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:36 AM Flag
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I second this. Loved this practice. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:01 PM Flag
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NP: I just switched from someone else to Sylvestre. Could you explain a bit more about your dissatisfaction? Thanks. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:32 AM Flag
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I think if you have an uncomplicated pg he would be fine. My personal experience - I had a lot of problems, after numerous prior m/cs, and he made VERY light of everything and never remembered any details of my case. That said, I've read a ton of good things about him on here. For me, he just wasn't organized enough or the fact that he just has too many patients for a high-risk specialist. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:02 AM Flag
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Depends what issues u are expecting..normal preemie twin stuff? Based on what are you expecting a long stay? Columbia is best nicu in nyc. But cornell shld be fine for most issues. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:26 AM Flag
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OP - I'm expecting to deliver early as it's a twin pg and membranes have already ruptured on both. So...I would check in at 24 weeks and hopefully stay a while before I go into labor. Expecting issues with the lungs due to lack of fluid as well as other preemie complications... [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:29 AM Flag
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Ok- I am poster above who had twins w 8 wk nicu stay. I wld stay away from sinai- their nicu doesn't compare. You need a high risk dr. I adore dobrenis (usinmg her now for my singleton) but in your case that's not what you need. Find the best high risk dr at cornell or columbia asap. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:44 AM Flag
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OP - thanks :) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:07 AM Flag
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babies will be better taken care of at columbia, but mt sinai and cornell will make your bedrest more comfortable [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:10 AM Flag
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OP - A little worried that I'll feel like I'm in Siberia up there on bedrest, but know I need to focus on the best NICU care... [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:17 AM Flag
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I know, but try to think long-term. I have a friend who was on bedrest at columbia for 5 months! She and dh tried for years to have a baby. Finally she's pregnant and has complications. Even at Columbia they only gave her a 5 percent chance of carrying to term--which she did. Has an amazing, healthy 10 year old son. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:29 AM Flag
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op - thanks, helps to hear happy stories :) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:32 AM Flag
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I'm still thinking about your friend's FIVE MONTHS of bedrest. WOW! How did she not go crazy??? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 04:55 PM Flag
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Best of luck. I was on bedrest at St. Luke's in May. Definitely check which hospital has WIFI because St. Luke's didn't and if not for my iphone I would have tore all my hair out. I don't blame you for not wanting to be in Siberia. Visitors is what will get you through it most. So though it's not priority, being in a convenient area for you friends and family is a great advantage. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:46 AM Flag
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I think it depends on your personality. I was on bedrest at columbia. It was hard and isolating. Hoiwever I cld never live with myself if I didn't go to the place where my twins had the best possible chance at the best outcome. Knowing I was doing what was best for them kept me going. If I'd gone to a more comfortablke or convenient hospital and something bad wouldve happened with the babies I would blneevr be able to forgive myself and couldn't live with that guilt. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:09 AM Flag
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OP - I agree. I'm wondering why everybody says Columbia is the best. All 3 are regional NICUs, right? What is it that sets Columbia apart? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 11:34 AM Flag
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Columbia has had a top NICU for decades. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:13 PM Flag
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I think that Columbia has some very high-tech equipment that the others don't (maybe a special lung machine for preterm babies?), and the absolute best of the best of the best doctors. But Cornell is considered very, very good. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 02:10 PM Flag
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i had to do this. had them at SLR. lost one in the nicu though. other did well. GL! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 11:52 AM Flag
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had them at 26weeks! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 11:53 AM Flag
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did you pProm? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:00 PM Flag
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what? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:03 PM Flag
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Why did you have to go into the hospital for extended stay? Did you also have premature rupture of the membranes (pProm)? Just curious! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 12:25 PM Flag
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Columbia, hands down. Good luck to you. I hope everything is uneventful, and your babies are nice and healthy at birth! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 01:12 PM Flag
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I am seeing him now (for an uncomplicated twins pregnancy) and I totally agree with your description. I hate to say it, but I really don't like him. I wish I knew why so many people love him; maybe then I'd see him in a better light. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 02:04 PM Flag
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^^ "him" = Sylvestre [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 02:04 PM Flag
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I know, right? He's wildly popular on here though - I read dozens of positive write-ups before I chose him. FWIW, my RE at Columbia recommended Geeta Sharma in the practice. She was the OB on duty when I had to go to the ER one night, and she's REALLY, really nice. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 02:25 PM Flag
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I have a co-worker who delivered her twins with Sharma and loves her. Re Sylvestre, he has a really weird facebook photo on top of his odd manner during office visits. I haven't really considered switching because I'm already almost 29 weeks. Do you know whether it's okay to switch to another doctor in the same practice? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 07:42 PM Flag
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Also, I don't know if I'm talking to OP here, but wanted to wish OP the best. I will be thinking of you and your twins. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 07:45 PM Flag
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OP here. Yep, this has been me. :) LOL re the facebook photo. I don't know if switching would be too weird since their in a practice together and HE could wind up being the one who delivers you? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:19 PM Flag
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OP again - and thanks for your nice thoughts. :) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:23 PM Flag
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I was in the same boat. Went in to Cornell at 24 weeks--delivered twins at 29 weeks (they are VERY healthy 9 mos old babies now--born at 3 lbs). NICU at Cornell is excellent. Kalish was my obgyn--the whole team will take terrific care of you, and I highly recommend them. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 03:03 PM Flag
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Why did you have to go in? What complication did you have? CONGRATS on your healthy twins btw! :D:D:D:D:D [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 03:40 PM Flag
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Did you see a dr often when you were on bedrest? Or mostly nurses? How were the bedrest conditions there? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 03:41 PM Flag
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I am poster who was in columbia on bedrest. Drs came in at least once a day, usually twice. Nurses came in as needed, but not too often. It was pretty quiet. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 05:30 PM Flag
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OK, thanks. Were you in a semi-private room at columbia? Do the rooms have their own bathroom (with toilet, sink, shower)? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:14 PM Flag
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Saw my doctor every day--at least once a day. Was there because I had heart/lung complications (for carrying so much weight--I'm very petite) and precalmsia/HEELP syndrome. The care was excellent and I truly believe that my doctor (Kalish) saved my and my babies lives by knowing exactly when to deliver. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 05:40 AM Flag
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(continued..) fyi, I'm the poster who was at Cornell/New York hospital. (BTW--I still keep in touch with my hospital roommate who delivered a week before I did.) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 05:41 AM Flag
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Are you the one whose dr originally recommended terminatin, op? If so, I'm so happy you got a 2nd opinion [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 04:11 PM Flag
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Yes, that's me! Honestly, termination is still the suggestion, since the doctors think the combination of my water breaking & the risk of very early delivery and resulting complications from having a very premature baby could result in my having 2 very special needs children... However, they stressed that it's totally up to us. That if I go into labor before 24 weeks babies won't be viable, but if I don't terminate before that - then I will have to check in and be there full time to get steroid shots and be monitored for infection etc... [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 04:34 PM Flag
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What a hard decision, but I have a feeling in my heart that it's going to work out for you. I will keep you in my thoughts. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 05:07 PM Flag
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Good luck!! Please keep us updated...thoughts and prayers are with you and your babes. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 06:34 PM Flag
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Columbia has the best NICU in the city. Though Cornell's is also top rated, Columbia's is just the absolute best. That said, why not go for the absolute best if you can? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 06:36 AM Flag
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I keep hearing that Columbia's is the best. What makes it better than Cornell? Any hard data? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 04:20 PM Flag
[ - ] So which is it? Hunter or Stuy? 13 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
NY Schools 07.12.09, 07:43 AM Flag
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LOL - if you get either it will be fine for your kid [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 07:59 AM Flag
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I went to Stuy and loved it. My brother went to Hunter and loved it. We both went to the same Ivy League school and are both successful - so I don't think your kid will lose out academically at either. I chose not to take the Hunter test and to wait for Stuy b/c socially I didn't want to change schools in 7th grade. It will depend on your kid's personality. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:00 AM Flag
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I think this is true for a lot of kids, if they are in a good MS and happy there they wait for 9th to move on. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:09 AM Flag
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A child will have been in Hunter High School (starts in 7th grade) for over a year before taking the test for Stuyvesant and other specialized high schools.. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:36 AM Flag
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that makes the choice (if available) an easy one. Go to Hunter, if happy there, stay put, if not try to switch. My sense is if dc is stronger in Humanities, then Hunter, otherwise, maybe Stuy. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:56 AM Flag
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Not necessarily, since switching again is not such a great idea. If you think Stuy (or Bronx Sci or LaGuardia or whatever) would be a better fit and dc is happy in a good MS it makes sense to wait. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 10:10 AM Flag
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ok, but what if dc has an off day on the date of the SHSAT? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 07:46 PM Flag
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np - I agree. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 05:34 AM Flag
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There are good selective HSs that aren't part of the specialized bunch, too. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 07:26 AM Flag
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The debate usually revolves around which sends more to HYP and which is a "better school". It's not a real choice IRL. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 02:51 PM Flag
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np - I don't understand what you mean. Of course it is a real choice in real life among many kids. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 04:58 PM Flag
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not the way the admissions cycle works [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.13.09, 07:47 AM Flag
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Both great schools. Hunter is much smaller (200 kids in a grade vs 800) but Stuy has more electives/activities and a far better facility. Hunter has a 6-year curriculum since it starts in 7th grade. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 05:13 PM Flag
[ - ] debates on ub get heated becase irl there are nuances and specifics but on ub people re too tempted to throw around "all or nothing" gneralizations that tick people off 3 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
NY Schools 07.12.09, 07:42 AM Flag
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Right, like private school kids are spoiled, public school parents don't care about education enough, etc. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 07:52 AM Flag
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It has nothing to do with politics - it has to do with money. Period. The caveat is that for many upper middle class families it has less to do with how much money they actually have and more to do with how they feel about spending, debt and how much support they think their kids need. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 07:57 AM Flag
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Or the non-first hand, prejudiced posts of insecure people. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 07:57 AM Flag
[ - ] anyone else really annoyed at what is going on in albany? i mean, i could do just as bad of a job as these people are doing, and i am the first to admit that i know nothing about anything. 3 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
New York City 07.12.09, 07:15 AM Flag
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we need to vote them all out. especially espada. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 07:31 AM Flag
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I think they're an embarrassment for the state and to the rest of the country. Then again, "we" are the people who put them there. I think people need to take state elections more seriously so maybe this was the wake-up call. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:02 AM Flag
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I'm beyond furious. I've written my Senator, telling him that I'd like my share of his salary for the past month BACK. Also told him that I'll do everything in my power to see him voted out, next time around. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:30 AM Flag
[ - ] Just moved. Can anyone recommend a primary care doctor (internist or gen prac) on the UWS that takes Oxford/United? 5 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 06:01 AM Flag
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you might try westside family medicine. pretty sure a friend who has oxford uses them. we like them! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 06:02 AM Flag
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Which doctor do you use? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 06:05 AM Flag
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Dr. Alan Kadet. He is on CPW and 66th Street. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 08:21 AM Flag
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I see Kelly Cassano on 66th/B'way, West Park Medical Practice, she's great. Takes Ox. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.12.09, 09:35 AM Flag
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Cassano does not take new patients anymore. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.22.09, 12:26 PM Flag
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