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[ - ] Posters with hhi at our around $500k + kids--how comfortable do you feel financially? What factors come into play? 14 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:56 PM Flag
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Op. We just started making this much, and right now I feel comfortable in that I don't have to worry about any surprise expenses, or not being able to afford basics. Right now I don't feel that we can afford any extras (we live in a less desirable area with a small apartment, etc). Given, we're big savers, but I think most people think we're not wealthy (no car, no home renovation, shop at TJ maxx [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:01 PM Flag
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We just started making this much, which is a jump of about $200 for us. However, I did feel like we could definitely afford basics, and we have 1 dc in a parochial school. We're not huge discretionary spenders though (we don't go on what UB would consider vacation, just visit family in Midwest; we also don't go out much nor spend much on clothes and personal upkeep). The main difference is now I finally feel comfortable paying independent school tuition if we decide to go that way for dc later on. I do also feel better about stuff like taking a cab if I don't want to deal with subway, buying prepared food, etc. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:14 PM Flag
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this all depends on your lifestyle and personal expenses. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:04 PM Flag
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Are we comfortable, yes. Kids in public, nice house, can afford to travel. But sometimes it still feels like it isn't enough which I know is ridiculous, we never save as much as we like, always some sort of big expense comes up like braces or something for the house. But our definition of saving enough is very different than the average American I would think so we are very lucky overall [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:13 PM Flag
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Are you mostly saving towards retirement/college/upgrades in housing? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:17 PM Flag
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Retirement and college. We are not looking to upgrade housing at this point. We just can't spend as much as some of our really wealthy friends (no second home, no private school, no buying designer clothes) but those aren't real comparisons (we don't live in NYC and public schools are excellent so that is no sacrifice) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:20 PM Flag
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But that said I don't make a ton and am looking for a new job because the extra "fun" money would be nice. Again that is a luxury and doesn't really reflect on how comfortable we feel. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:21 PM Flag
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I feel very comfortable. 2 kids. Can afford to send them to sleepaway camp and pay for travel sports and a couple of nice vacations a year. Max out 401k and have liquid savings. DH, who can't seem to stop comparing to Wall St families, still feels like we don't have enough and sometimes overspends. But, I don't care about fancy clothes, I don't need a new wardrobe every year, don't need new cars. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:17 PM Flag
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are you in the city? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:18 PM Flag
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yes [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 09:15 PM Flag
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We are comfortable right now but I am very worried that will change in the next few years. We have 2 kids - one is in private @ $52K per year, the other is still a baby so we have no tuition for him now but in the fall he will start preschool. Double tuition is my biggest concern but DH seems to think that we will be just fine. We own a great 3 bedroom apt in a top neighborhood and mortgage + maintenance combined is just under $7K/month, which seems pretty reasonable based on what I know friends pay. We usually take one nice $10K vacation a year, and then most other vacations are spent visiting family since they aren't local. Older one is already in summer camp which costs $10K per year as well. We max out our 401K, have great health insurance from our jobs, and have a decent amount in savings as a safety net. I don't think we live extravagantly but we do spend what we make (with the exception of what goes into savings). [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 07:20 PM Flag
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Yes, very comfortable. 3 kids. Vacation home. Travel. College saved for. Retirement in great shape. Life is great! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 07:42 PM Flag
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We are a 2 income household currently making combined $1.1m, but until we own an apartment it would be devastating for us if dh lost his job. We have very low job security and would have to uproot everything and move to a lower cost area if dh lost his job. With that said we are extremely comfortable right now and are able to invest heavily. 10 years ago we made $200k in Manhattan and you feel extremely poor living paycheck to paycheck in a tiny shit walk up apartment. $350k was when we started to feel relief. $550k hhi was rich enough to start saving aggressively and dh made enough in the stock market so we could buy a small vacation home while keeping 1 in private. Now we both have new jobs and making $1.1 we feel rich income wise but wealth wise we are minnows in nyc. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 08:42 PM Flag
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I feel in a transition stage. We are comfortable but we are still building. We have a few years until we are completely truly financially free but we are very close. I feel very lucky and I know that we have a lot more than other people. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.28.20, 03:14 AM Flag
[ - ] My 8 yr old son lack confidence. He is so smart but so hard on himself and gets flustered and breaks down so easily - how do I help him! Already have made a psych appt. 13 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:51 PM Flag
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He's 8. Maybe his life is full of things that force him to perfect? Too competitive? This is silly to be so anxious at a young age. Is his school too driven? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:13 PM Flag
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Ugh, you are being awful. "Silly to be anxious" is not helpful. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:56 PM Flag
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np some kids are just born anxious. I have two DCs in the same school with the same upbringing. One is very care free and chill and the other is anxious and lacks confidence and gets very frustrated and discouraged easily [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:04 PM Flag
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yep NO ONE chooses to be anxious [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:05 PM Flag
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OR: sorry--my meaning was it's silly to allow a child to be anxious. Some is internal. Some I believe is due to all the expectations schools and parents place on them. So dial back his lifestyle if that's the issue. Or get him a therapist if that's the issue. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:26 PM Flag
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this describes my 8 yr old Dd. haven't gone to professional yet about it though. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:27 PM Flag
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Work on using growth mindset language. (look it up and change your language!) Make stories about his perseverance in the past part of the family stories that you tell about him. My ds was like this at 8 and it really helps. When they get reminded of past times they were challenged and stuck with it and succeeded, it builds them up so that they know they have this deep bench of past successes behind them. For my ds it is reminding him of how he was so set on walking that he would hurl himself forward and fall down, and now he doesn't even remember how hard that was! He walks, he runs, without thinking about. Same with rollerblading. He had to work so hard to roller blade and now it is nbd. Things like that! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:44 PM Flag
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I agree with this. I also like to say I model imperfection and resilience daily to my DC through continuing to try things I am not good at and being open about my struggle. also watch things like the kid's baking championship etc. together and talk about how so and so kept her or her cool when X happened and was able to do y and still be successful. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:59 PM Flag
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DD12 is same. So talented at so many things but so hard on herself and compares herself to kids who are better than her at things they spend much more time doing. It sucks. I’m the same way at 43! I try to model doing things for fun without worrying about the outcome but it’s hard for her to apply to herself. Looking forward to hearing advice. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:34 PM Flag
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Sports. He will start being bad at it, complain, want to quit. But if he perseveres, he will slowly see improvement with his hard work. With that comes confidence. In other words, you need to overcome a challenge first. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:45 PM Flag
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he is not athletic AT ALL [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:56 PM Flag
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fencing, chess, badminton, swimming, something [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 07:36 PM Flag
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Theater can be good. Kids seem very supportive of one another. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 07:22 PM Flag
[ - ] I'm pregnant with my 3rd, and it's been a while since I had my first two. It looks like there's a lot more maternity fashion out there than there used to be! Any recommendations or favorites? I'm liking ASOS so far... 4 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:48 PM Flag
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I got a bunch of stuff from Seraphine, esp for work - you just need to weed through the overly “mommy” pieces that are covered in polka dots or whatever. Really liked this dress in particular - https://www.seraphine.com/en-us/geo-print-maternity-wrap-dress.html [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:04 PM Flag
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Love that! Thank you! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:15 PM Flag
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I remember wearing my dh's larger button downs in the last month. Wish I had more fashionable choices. (20 years ago) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:14 PM Flag
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I wasn't working at the time, so I got a lot of stuff at Gap & Old Navy. H&M also has a few cute things. For 'dressier' items I actually found some decent stuff at Motherhood Maternity. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 07:11 PM Flag
[ - ] Has anyone with an enrolled student heard back FA yet? Does anyone know the timetable for independant schools? 1 Reply [ Reply | Watch | More ]
NY Schools 01.27.20, 03:55 PM Flag
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Last year we heard on February 6th. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.28.20, 11:21 PM Flag
[ - ] Live in downtown Brooklyn. DD is thinking about Brooklyn Tech, Stuy, or HSMSE. We won't get to tour til very late in the game, so would appreciate thoughts. Her practice SHSAT shows she'd likely get into Brooklyn tech with no prep. But within range of others. She's coasted through k-7th so she's never needed to develop study habits, but I think she'd step up. She's a fast reader so that would help maybe. 34 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:24 PM Flag
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my kid is in 7th, but we're a Brooklyn family who toured tech last fall. it's pretty awesome. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:24 PM Flag
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I know a lot of people who got into Brooklyn Tech and were afraid of the size of it. But once their kids were there, it was not an issue anymore. They loved it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:32 PM Flag
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stuy kids have to be willing to work HARD with little or no reward for it. So first I would decide if that's something she wants. With HSMSE you have to be sure she would be happy to "major" in math or engineering because the sinai track is hard to get. All three schools provide a good education. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:52 PM Flag
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OP I think Stuy would be her last choice. Unless her shsat score looks like it might be good -- and then she'll worry she's throwing away a shot and second guess herself. At HSMSE, I bet math or engineering would be her top two. I worry about social aspect with a school so far away. It's very far from my HS experience, that's for sure [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:58 PM Flag
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every SHS has kids from all over and they adjust their social lives accordingly. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:05 PM Flag
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I think all the SHSs have kids from near and far. Although Tech is pretty Brooklyn-heavy. That would have more local friends than most -- also the size makes it so every neighborhood in Brooklyn has 100 kids there. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:09 PM Flag
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Also at HSMSE they require German, which seems like a waste to me, not so useful. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:03 PM Flag
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I think it's a savvy way of scheduling language for a small school. If they did something mainstream, they'd have kids coming in at different levels and that's hard to schedule.. I suspect they're all starting with German 101 [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:04 PM Flag
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dh had to take german 20 years ago too at different school. was required for math science kids, so am guessing its becasue of the schools focus [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:57 PM Flag
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A lot of engineering schools require German [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:00 PM Flag
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HSMSE mom here. We were very happy with the school. There's also a math track in addition to engine and Sinai, an interest in one of those three disciplines would be useful. The workload is intense and a big difference from middle school so a "coaster" would for sure need to develop new study habits. I'll point out one thing: downtown Brooklyn to Harlem is a loooooong commute. When you tour, make sure you take the train from your home to the school so you can get a first hand look at the commute time. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:02 PM Flag
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we did it the other day -- it's about 45 minutes. the 2/3 train is pretty fast up and we're a block away from the station [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:12 PM Flag
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Ah, well 45 minutes is reasonable, I agree. We loved the school for its small size -- students get lots of attention and the faculty is very accessible. The hidden gem is the college counselor. He's a TT-calibre counselor working in a public school setting. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:27 PM Flag
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That must have been a good day for the subway. We are in downtown manhattan and it takes 45 min door to door to hsmse on a good day. It would be 0-15 min longer from downtown bk. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:56 PM Flag
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I live in Brooklyn heights and work at Columbia and it’s 45 min door to door. (NP). Maybe you’re dealing with the local [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:00 PM Flag
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Are you a troll? The 2/3 goes nowhere close to HSMSE. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 08:47 PM Flag
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From Brooklyn you’d go express on 2/3 to 72nd. That’s very fast. Then 1 to 137. Not so fast. Also a train but depends where you live in Brooklyn [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 09:21 PM Flag
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German is one of those languages that makes your English better. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:55 PM Flag
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German is not required. They offer it but also Spanish. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.28.20, 12:52 AM Flag
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np: Why do you say for little or no reward at Stuy? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:57 PM Flag
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^^ I've heard from some kids that they're very happy there. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:02 PM Flag
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I think it's self-selecting. Most kids that are fortunate to get in then choose it, enjoy that atmosphere. I turned Stuy down in my day. I just knew I wasn't interested in that hard a workload. I ended up at an Ivy--of course that was easier then too. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:15 PM Flag
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I just meant that a kid could work very very hard and still find themselves smack in the middle of the class with not much of a shot at a top 20 college. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:35 PM Flag
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It's all relative. Only about 6%-7% of HSMSE students go to a top 20 university (based on their published stats a couple of years ago). That means you can be in the top fifth at HSMSE and still not have much of a shot at a top 20 college. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 07:31 PM Flag
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I saw last years and it was a lot more than 6-75. seemed like 25%. but may have been quest kids [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.28.20, 02:27 AM Flag
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what does "little or no reward" mean? deflated grades? it's the most prestigious school, I think. (my kids dont go there) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:12 PM Flag
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I wouldn't even bother with HSMSE from where you live. Tech has so many more options. If you lived in upper manhattan, sure, HSMSE is great, but if you are close to Tech don't even bother putting it down. You should let your kid decide if they are up for Stuy or not. The hwk can be crushing. Some kids thrive on that, others don't. DC had a great time at Tech and had plenty of time for a life too. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:54 PM Flag
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College placement at hsmse far better. I think that may be socio economic tho [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:01 PM Flag
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And of course some kids don’t work well in a school with 6k kids. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:02 PM Flag
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+1, hsmse is tiny compared to BT [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 07:00 PM Flag
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Define "far better." 6 to Yale via Questbridge this year and that isn't even including ED and, of course RD. Why would you want a kid to do such a commute when they have even more options close by? There is nothing magical about HSMSE vs. Tech. The kid that gets into MIT from Tech would get into MIT from HSMSE and vice versa. It is all about the kid. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 08:17 PM Flag
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HSMSE would be a haul. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 08:13 PM Flag
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do Tech! make life easier on dd. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.28.20, 12:46 AM Flag
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If your dd is a self-starter, tech is a great option. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.28.20, 03:19 AM Flag
[ - ] Legal advice needed. I want to sue my divorce lawyer. She did nothing to move my case forward in 18 months and stupidly I hung in there with her. I feel scammed and robbed. She is highly unethical. Has anyone been there and done that? How does one start this process? TIA 11 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
New York City 01.27.20, 02:08 PM Flag
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Unfortunately many lawyers are unethical scammers [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:21 PM Flag
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i think you would need to find a malpractice lawyer. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:30 PM Flag
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I wonder about mine too. As soon as I started running out of money was pressured to settle. She was uniformed about some basic factors that ended up costing me thousands. Whole divorce process extremely traumatizing. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:31 PM Flag
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So she over charged you? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:36 PM Flag
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You need to consult with a malpractice attorney to advise you on whether you have a case or not. Everyone's experience is different, and doesn't necessarily speak to the standard of care of an attorney and whether she fell below it, and if she did, if you have damages. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:45 PM Flag
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What would you sue her for? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:01 PM Flag
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NP: Damages like prolonged emotional distress. Lost time ( loss of love ) financial damages etc [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 11:37 PM Flag
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No attorney will take your case unless there are demonstrable damages. If you feel that she took your money and provided no services, file a complaint with the attorney licensing/ethics board in your state. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:20 PM Flag
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I always found it interesting that while there is million reviews about doctors and everything else; there are no reviews about lawyers. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:58 PM Flag
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Everyone hates their lawyer. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:15 PM Flag
[ - ] I have never been a person who was overwhelmed with life. I just sort of figured out what needed to be done, and did it. But now I have 2 small kids and a FT, demanding job, and I sometimes just feel a little under water. Like I am not on top of everything, and maybe didn't do the best job on that document, or forgot the birthday present for that party until the last minute, etc. It kind of gets me down. Like I should be doing better all around. This is a normal feeling for this stage of life, right? Thanks. 16 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 01:42 PM Flag
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Totally normal. And a big part of the problem is the lack of a safety net. No one can do all of this well without a lot of help. Men never work a demanding job and also handle all of the childcare and home management. People used to have their parents and grandparents and other family nearby to step in, but our society is very splintered, and as a result, most of the burden falls on individual women. You can't be super-human. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:04 PM Flag
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Well said [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:22 PM Flag
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This and agree that it’s very well said. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:12 PM Flag
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Don’t be so hard on yourself. What you’re feeling is totally normal. I’m a sahm and feel that way. I’m good at multitasking and have done well when I used to work but it seems crazy that we’re supposed to know how to cook, be organized and take care of kids among other things. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:14 PM Flag
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No one can do everything that society has set us up to handle. The line “you can have it all, just not at the same time” is true. But knowing you are feeling this way, try to develop good, productive coping mechanisms now. Don’t wait. Speaking for myself, I leaned too much on wine as a crutch for too many years and I will always regret that. So come to terms with it won’t all be perfect and try to make sure the people at your work appreciate the value you bring. Don’t sweat the small things at home. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:33 PM Flag
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OP - than you, this is all very helpful. I know - I need to replace my evening glass of wine with a trip to the gym after the kids are asleep. So hard to find the energy, but I know I would feel better overall if I could take better care of myself (not looking to lose weight - but miss the good, energetic feeling of working out) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:27 PM Flag
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Totally normal! Hang in there. It gets better and you learn to manage it better. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:12 PM Flag
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it is normal and you should forgive yourself. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:19 PM Flag
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OP - thank you. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:27 PM Flag
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np. I was so late to renew our health plan, new one doesn't kick in until Feb 1. I just accept that it happens and try to be more organized, but really you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:44 PM Flag
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That was me a few years ago. Having two small children and a demanding job is like have two full time plus jobs. For me it got better but required some change. My kids go older and are more independent and I took a less strenuous job. Today I'm working from home, bumping around my house all alone with the dog, miles away from the life I was living 5 years ago. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:15 PM Flag
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Normal. Stop with the 'shoulds', they're mythical. Think about all the things you ARE doing, not the 'should be doing'. Don't beat yourself up, focus on all that you do accomplish. Have compassion for yourself. Be clear about what's important/non-negotiable in your list of responsibilities: is everyone fed, housed, healthy; are you meeting your work commitments? Do you have free time to spend with kids and DH? Are you taking care of yourself? This are important. A party gift, super clean house, and daily home-cooked meals may not be as important (you pick where you can let stuff slide). What can you outsource: cleaning, laundry, meal prep, shuttling kids around? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:57 PM Flag
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^Sorry if this sounds like a lecture, OP. I just hate that women spend more brain space thinking about what they should be doing rather than what they are doing. You're good! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:59 PM Flag
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I am in the same boat and letting go of small things is important [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:07 PM Flag
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Normal! There was a good article a while back about women / mothers carrying the mental load for the whole family. Just knowing and trying to remember all the stuff that needs to be done is a mental drain! https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:29 PM Flag
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It might be common, but I wouldn't call it normal or acceptable. You should make changes in your life so you feel better. Constant stress is cumulative and reduces the quality and length of your life. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:51 PM Flag
[ - ] How much does it cost to renovate a bathroom in a nyc condo? ballpark 2 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 01:29 PM Flag
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totally depends on the type of renovations - for instance marble vs tile, are you installing a new bathtub, etc. id say 15-20 minimum. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:32 PM Flag
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We did a top of the line reno for a not huge bathroom and it was $25K including all the plumbing work that needed to be done. We have all marble so you can probably do for a touch less if tile. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 07:27 PM Flag
[ - ] What should I be doing now to help my DD be successful in the K process next year? 15 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 01:28 PM Flag
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Make a 3T school your first choice. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 01:30 PM Flag
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Well that’s cynical. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 01:52 PM Flag
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it's a pretty good way to make sure you wind up happy! btdt. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:53 PM Flag
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Gentle prep. Patterns, self portrait, making sure she knows how to sit and show an adult what she can do. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 01:52 PM Flag
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watching. How best to explain the process to DC? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:33 PM Flag
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watching. How best to explain the process to DC? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:33 PM Flag
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Just say that you're going to meet teachers and learn about different schools. You can say you're really excited about learning about all the different schools and choosing a great school for dc. You can leave the selection process out of the story. Before a playdate, explain that they'll get to do some fun activities with a teacher, explain the setting (other kids, etc.), and remind them to listen nicely to the teacher just like they do in their own school. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:02 PM Flag
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Thank you. This is good advice. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:15 PM Flag
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We explained to DC that this is a big school where DC will go once she outgrows her current school. DC is very excited about a particular subject so we told her this is where she will be able to spend time doing more of it. We talked about visiting the schools and her doing what she does at school - story, drawing herself, etc. We didn’t call it fun or play date. Make sure your child separates well. We were at play dates where children quit half way through or cried the whole time. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.28.20, 02:20 AM Flag
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Forget you ever found UB! It will just make you sad. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:54 PM Flag
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not true. I learned a lot of valuable stuff here for both the k and pre-k process. I found the pre-k that worked for us here, all I ever heard about via friends was TT crazy pre-schools. UB moms helped us find a "lesser" pre-k that fit us. DS is at Hunter now - there was so much valuable intel here if I weeded through what I didn't need. OP, don't drive yourself crazy in the K process. Tell DD the playdates and interviews are just a fun day to have. I always told DS, "they just want to see how smart a 3/4 year old can be - go have fun!" NO prep, it will backfire. Kids have a tendency to do bizarre things and say exactly what you DON'T want them to. Let them be themselves. I agree with the poster above who says work on patterns - my son always came out of playdates saying they did pattern making and drew something. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:33 PM Flag
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re-reading my response and I should rephrase. It's not ZERO Prep I recommend. It's the "gentle prep" recommended above. You have to at least tell DD that yes, these playdates are for her to demonstrate her best self a bit (but phrased in an appealing way for kids) and just make sure she's up on the basics. Someone on here recommended pattern blocks, I bought some and DS was like "I love these at school!". Soooo maybe check in with your pre-k teacher before buying nice, wooden pattern blocks on Amazon...lol Could have saved my money! In all likelihood your preschool is already doing the activities they do on these playdates. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:00 PM Flag
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Yeah, I’m the poster who suggested gentle prep. I didn’t let DC know we were prepping for the process in any way. I just folded patters and self portraiture and showing your abilities to grownups into everyday play. You def. don’t want DC saying “hey, mommy told me we’d do this!” [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:50 PM Flag
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If you are at a connected preschool where you get feedback, you need to trust and follow it. No matter how much you love a school, if they don’t love you back, it’s not going to happen. Don’t try to force it. Move on to your next choices and make a match somewhere, or else you might find yourself at your third or fourth choice. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:48 PM Flag
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How is your DD with separation? Our biggest, and only, issue in the whole process (other than it being annoying) was the play sessions because my DD did not like new environments or being forced to separate in a place she wasn't familiar with (she was fine at school for the most part). I would just prepare for that aspect but you still have lots of time. We would arrive super early to walk around or just get situated, and really tried to explain that we were waiting for her outside the room, etc). We ended up getting into a TT which is where DD goes, and it's the one school that was super kind with her and proactively tried to make her feel comfortable and not just whisk all the kids away. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 07:26 PM Flag
[ - ] An anyone recommend how to start weight training and also how to learn about core exercises? I am on my late forties, NYC busy with two jobs and work in midtown? Would you suggest a trainer, apps, anything else? Trying to lose 10-15 pounds. 4 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 01:16 PM Flag
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Def. get a trainer at the beginning so you learn proper form and don't get injured. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 01:49 PM Flag
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Look up youtube videos and articles online to begin with. Start with light weights and work your way up. Agree with above poster about doing a couple sessions with a trainer. Most trainers will give you the first session for free, so you could tell them what you want to work on. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:06 PM Flag
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definitely a trainer at least to start. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:18 PM Flag
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yoga and pilates classes also ballet barre [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.28.20, 12:54 AM Flag
[ - ] Is anyone using an air fryer? It seems to be a craze. Worth it in nyc? 4 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:23 AM Flag
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makes excellent buffalo wings. Mine is a pain to clean so I never use it. YMMV [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:24 AM Flag
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We have a big one that has a huge glass bowl as a base. It’s super heavy and a pain to clean, but great for some larger things. We have a small one that has really light weight plastic parts. It’s very easy to clean and does a good job for smaller pieces. It depends on what/how much you want to do with it. We got one originally because the gas oven in our condo doesn’t brown or crisp things the way our electric oven did. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:09 PM Flag
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If you have an instant pot they now make a separate air fryer lids for it. It saves the space. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:10 PM Flag
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My toaster oven has the feature and I’ve used that feature twice bc it’s such a pain to clean it. The oil goes everywhere! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:23 PM Flag
[ - ] Silly question but help me out. My hair is naturally dishwater blond, which is now graying. I dyed it dark brown a while back and am not crazy about it anymore, especially because the roots are so obvious. What are some cool/flattering colors I could try? Conventional or not so conventional. I don't have a good sense of these things. 4 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:57 AM Flag
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Ask your stylist. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 09:53 AM Flag
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Just be blonde. You are luck it’s your natural color. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 10:36 AM Flag
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Whatever color your hair was as a child [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 01:59 PM Flag
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+1. Go back to blond and get blond highlights. I am blond and that's what I plan to do once I start to go gray. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:04 PM Flag
[ - ] Help. Going on a beach vacation in a month. 20 pounds overweight (size 12-14 depending on the cut). Need a bathing suit and a cute sundress or two. Suggestions? 16 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:41 AM Flag
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Board shorts and a rash guard. Hides flaws, keeps the sun off, easier to play with kids on the beach and in the water, zipped pockets so I don't lose keys, money, or phone, lots of fun styles. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 09:55 AM Flag
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Not this!!! Miracle suit and some light weight wrap dresses. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 01:41 PM Flag
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ITA! Curvy or overweight women can still look good in a nice bathing suit. Please stop covering up so much for the beach. And learn to enjoy the beach, no one cares how you look. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:04 PM Flag
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+1. Really depends on where/how you carry your weight too. I am very "hip-py" and board shorts just don't work or fit right for me. Try ModCloth for both suits and sundresses for size 12-14. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:15 PM Flag
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+1 I can go on vacation for two weeks without worrying about anything. Everything I need is in my pockets. I don't have to put as much sunscreen on. I can walk off the beach into a casual restaurant. Board shorts are the best! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:54 PM Flag
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This is me too! I try to remember that once I'm at the beach, I'm so happy to be there that a few pounds never matter! Enjoy! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 01:45 PM Flag
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go to landsend and pick out a one piece or 2 piece with skirt in your most faltering color. also get a few coverups. I know it isn't cool enough for UB, but the suits are good value and flattering, esp. if you aren't 100% comfortable with your body right now. from above -- Shorts and a rash guard would not work for me -- it would be unflattering and make me less confident. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:55 PM Flag
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^"flattering" color. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:56 PM Flag
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One pieces are really fashionable now. I'll post a few links below. Regarding sun dresses, you can go low with a flowy maxi. But also - remember that no one is looking at and judging your body. The only ones looking at you are your DC, and they'll model how you treat yourself and your body. So try to embrace your body for what it is and don't worry about covering it up or being self-conscious. If you need some inspiration, look at Ashley Graham's IG. She is probably a 12/14, and looks stunning in everything. And yes, she's a model, but that kind of self love comes from inside. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:39 PM Flag
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OP: Wow! Thank you for these replies! I love these suggestions and the supportive comments. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:49 PM Flag
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Honestly, I lived in LA and some of the most confident bikini-wearing women were 250-300 pounds, generally black and Latina. Seeing confident women have a great time on the beach, wearing whatever they felt like wearing was really freeing and helped me stop being so critical about my own body. I'm sure you look great at the size you are right now, you just need to own it and escape toxic WASP size standards.( - former size 0 who used to see flaws everywhere in her own body). Have a great time at the beach! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:54 PM Flag
[ - ] My son goes to a school that is pretty hard to get into. Tonight he ran into the mother of a kid who just applied and did not get in. She started to tell him all the things her son actually didn’t like about the school. I have no idea if that is true or not. But what is wrong with people? This is where my kid goes. He didn’t ask her anything about the kid getting in. She volunteered that he didn’t and then explained that there were a lot of things he didn’t like anyway. people are ridiculous. 23 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:30 AM Flag
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Sour grapes. See it for what it is: she's rationalizing so that she (and her son) can move forward. At most, just say, "It sounds like it's for the best that it didn't work out at XYZ school, but I heard that [school her kid is going to] is great. It's all about finding the right fit." Don't defend, don't explain. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:39 AM Flag
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And you're here posting about it, because you want to brag about your son's school and other people not getting in. You are right. People are ridiculous. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 11:29 AM Flag
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You realize she’s posting annonamously on a message board, not trash talking a kid’s school to their face, right? Kind of different. Smh. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 11:41 AM Flag
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Thank you. I would never say anything like this in person. Especially to a kid. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 11:50 AM Flag
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annonamously. LOL. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:24 PM Flag
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Np - you are ridiculous. Let her vent, this is the forum and her gripe is totally u derstandable. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:35 PM Flag
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NP - this isn't a ridiculous gripe, it's super common in NYC to trash other people's schools to their face. Manners in this town can sometimes be horrific. I'm been shocked at what people say to us about our school - my favorite was the "friend" who said, "oh they must have needed a journalist parent to round out the class this year" (DH is a journalist...but wtf?) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:55 PM Flag
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+1 It's just a VBA. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:55 PM Flag
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This is so common, though. My kids are at Trinity, people tell us all the time how they really didn't like the school. But trust me, it will be a lot more socially offensive for you to trash whatever crappy school their kid gets into. So just grin and bear it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 12:33 PM Flag
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Congratulations to your son. Saying the right thing is a skill. I have many in my family who will automatically minimize anything “good” in my life. So dealing with them is also a skill. I say hello, goodbye and a lot of head nodding in between. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 01:06 PM Flag
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Yep. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 01:50 PM Flag
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This is very common. Some people are really clueless and tone deaf. They’re feeling rejected and trying to compensate why they didn’t get in and they also try to underestimate your child saying they know someone else’s kid who is smarter and more deserving to get in. I’ve dealt with this many times regarding my DC. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:17 PM Flag
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Actually reread your post and didn’t realize the first time that she said it to your child. Ugh. Totally unacceptable. I can understand weirdos who would say something to another adult but to the child? This woman is beyond unhinged and bitter and angry. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:21 PM Flag
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MY DD goes to a SHS. Have had so many conversations with other moms in my neighborhood where they ask where she goes, I tell them, and they launch into all the reasons why their kid ended up better off because they didn't get in. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:11 PM Flag
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+1 My dcs go to cw. I learned early on not to volunteer where they go to school to avoid these kinds of interactions. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:48 PM Flag
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What's CW? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:21 PM Flag
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I believe its a city-wide G&T program. (Im not the poster, but I had the same question and it took me a min to figure it out!) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 09:12 PM Flag
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+2 [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:56 PM Flag
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This reminds me of something my mom told me when I was a kid. My brother and I were both good students and wound up at HYP schools. One night when I was in HS, my parents came home from a dinner party, and I was up doing homework. My mom came into my room and was irritated by all the other moms at the party who were going on and on, bragging about their kids. Then she smiled and said "And I want to thank you. I don't have to say a word, because everybody already knows I've got the smart kids." You're lucky your child is in an enviable position, be thankful and let people have their insecurities. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:24 PM Flag
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This is inspiring me to thank my kid. (Besides being sweet and having straight A's, there's exactly a zero percent chance she'll ever post a sexy picture of herself on social media) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 09:16 PM Flag
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aww this is making me tear up! (i'm pregnant and hormonal) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.28.20, 03:00 AM Flag
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I'm sorry you're going through this. I would probably explain to my dc in private the concept of "sour grapes". It sucks but people can be jealous and petty, all we can do is be sympathetic toward them for their sorrows. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.28.20, 03:01 AM Flag
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When my daughter got into her private school, one of her classmates’ mothers was quick to tell me the school’s reputation when she was a kid (it wasn’t what I would want to send my kid to). Ah, ok, thanks. It’s been 30 years. How are you attacking a choice about where to send a five year old?! People are so weird in NYC about schools. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.28.20, 03:20 AM Flag
[ - ] I am 50 yrs old. I get so tired managing the house and my two teenage DCs with their activities and all. I guess it is increased by the fact the DD is ADHD. Sometimes I wish I had kids earlier. I was 20 years old when my mom turned 50. 3 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:27 AM Flag
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I was 27! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:30 AM Flag
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I was 30! Had dd at 35 and I totally get it. I only have one (very emotionally difficult) teen and I am ready to collapse most nights. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 11:43 AM Flag
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I am 53 and have an adhd dd also and hear you. But I can rationalize it by the fact that had I had dd when I was younger I would not have had the maturity and patience to support her as I have, maybe 5 years sooner, but definitively not more than that. I was out living my own life, doing things and having fun. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:38 PM Flag
[ - ] Help me identify what sketchy thing my NYC yellow cab driver was doing. Just arrived into JFK from trip, got yellow cab in taxi line. Girl managing line directed me to next cab. I pointed out it didn't have the fare light on, but she said he'd probably put it on. When I got in, and gave Manhattan address, he drove off without turning on the meter. After five minutes I asked him if he was going to turn on the meter. he said no, it's flat fare, he would turn it on when we got to manhattan. I asked if he was trying to cut a cash-deal, which drivers occasionally try. He said no. When we got to manhattan, as soon as we got off the Queensboro bridge, he turned on the meter for me to pay the flat fare...$52. I said, uh no, I'm supposed to pay when I get out at my destination. Everything felt really sketchy but I can't figure out what his deal was. PS I take about five or six yellow cab rides a week. This was unusual. 32 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:24 AM Flag
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Was he trying to take you the minimum distance that the flat fare covers, then getting you to pay the per distance rate for the rest? Essentially double dipping? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:30 AM Flag
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He was just one of those weird people. If he only charged you the flat fare what could be the issue? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:39 AM Flag
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Doesn't really sound shady--it's a flat fare. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:50 AM Flag
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This. Weird post. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:06 AM Flag
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This! It is a flat fee. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:05 PM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:44 PM Flag
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That’s why I only use Lyft/Uber from the airport [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:53 AM Flag
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Always a flat fare from airport. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:07 AM Flag
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It IS a flat fare lighten up. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:28 AM Flag
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But it kind of sounds like if she’d paid when he demanded it, he would have then turned on the meter and demanded more at her destination. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:14 PM Flag
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You are ridiculous!! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:45 PM Flag
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Cabs from the airport have flat fares. It is posted in the cab. You accused him of something he didn’t do. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:31 AM Flag
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I always thought it was a flat fare to your destination, and he shouldn’t have turned on the meter at all. I may be misunderstanding though as I don’t live in Manhattan [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:40 AM Flag
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OP: Cabbies ALWAYS turn on the meter from JFK when you get in. They just set it as flat fare. They are required to start meter to get an accurate record of the ride. It's called the trip record. The trip record shows location of trip initiation; the time of trip initiation; the location of trip termination; the distance of the trip; etc. He didn't do it this way. He didn't want to turn on the meter til we got to manhattan. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 10:47 AM Flag
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Call 311 and report. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 11:08 AM Flag
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Who cares [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 11:51 AM Flag
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If you will have to pay more then you should then you will care. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 12:11 PM Flag
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But you didn't. You paid the correct flat fee. I think he was trying to get home asap and wanted you to pay early but you waited which is the correct thing . [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 01:50 PM Flag
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There is no accurate record...it's a flat fare. He did put on the meter. Maybe he was skimming from his boss but it doesn't affect you really--just let it go. Or just say--I need a receipt for my job. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 01:52 PM Flag
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Well, the fare was correct. Flat fee from JFK to Manhattan is $52 not including tax or tip. There should also be a $4.50 surcharge if during peak hours and a $0.50 state tax. Honestly OP, being a taxi driver is a shitty job. He didn’t overcharge you. Let it go. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 11:46 AM Flag
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I think OP is saying he charged 52 up to bridge in addition to fare from bridge to OP’s destination. So she paid lot more then 52. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 12:13 PM Flag
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Oh— ok I re-read I see what you mean. Sounds like ultimately OP only paid the $52 but yes it should have been at the end. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 12:20 PM Flag
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No--that's not what I'm reading. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:00 PM Flag
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She paid $52 [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 10:36 PM Flag
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Maybe he was trying for his shift start time to be later? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:28 PM Flag
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Maybe he was trying for his shift start time to be later? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:28 PM Flag
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OP: I think what got me was the whole thing was sketchy. He also had an engine that sounded like it had no muffler, really loud and whiny. And he drove the taxi along the breakdown lane to avoid bumper to bumper traffic. Yellow cabs never do sh!t like that. Between these things and not having the meter on, it felt like I could have been riding with anyone. It just didn't seem like a typical yellow cab experience. And I take a lot of cabs. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:37 PM Flag
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If you substitute "black car service" everywhere you said "yellow cab," this post makes sense. Otherwise, I wonder what planet's yellow cabs you have been riding in! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 11:40 PM Flag
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Maybe if we all agreed to give these poor guys a little bit more fare money they could actually get the cars fixed. They used to be able to earn a living and now can't. Don't worry- you won't have problems with yellow cabs for much longer. .. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.28.20, 10:48 AM Flag
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Wow. You sound like a real dick. Maybe you should take the subway next time so you are ripped off in your imagination. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:51 PM Flag
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Nothing sketchy, it's a flat fare from the airport. The meter automatically registers a start of JFK when the driver sets the flat fare. What do you think you've been cheated of? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.28.20, 12:10 AM Flag
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You sound very suburban. Regardless of when he turned the meter on, you got in knowing it was a flat fare, and he charged you the exact flat fare. I've been in cabs from the airport where they turn the meter on way late, which I assumed was just so that it would be on and ready for when it came time to pay, which they know is usually card these days, but there is otherwise no real reason to have the meter on the whole trip for a flat fare. Your ride sounds completely normal to me. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.28.20, 05:39 AM Flag
[ - ] My 8 year old refuses to shower. It's a knock down, drag out every time. I am so sick of this power struggle. I mean, honestly, I'm kind of ready to just let him be a disgusting person. How long do you think he'd go? 3 weeks? Parents without this problem, please know how lucky you are. 79 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:37 AM Flag
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Does he say why he doesn’t want to? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:59 AM Flag
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OP: He never wants to. Once I can get him in the tub or shower, he's mildly ok. He hates having his hair washed. He runs really anxious. He doesn't like what his hair looks like after it's wet. It curls up and he doesn't like that. I try to blow dry it to make it lay flat. He hates the blow drying. It goes on and on. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:35 AM Flag
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This might sound terrible to some...but can you pay him a dollar every time he bathes? Just for a month or two. Maybe find a reason or motivation point to overcome his resistance. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:57 AM Flag
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OP: I mentioned below, he is not open to bribery of any sort. I'm not proud, I would go that angle in a hot second. It doesn't work. I could offer $50 bucks for every shower (clearly, I never would) and he still wouldn't take it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:09 AM Flag
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You say "he hates having his hair washed." Is someone washing his hair? (Normally, one would say, "He hates washing his hair). If so, he's old for that at 8, and this could be the source of his anxiety. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 01:57 PM Flag
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This. OP is definitely controlling and weird. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 07:07 PM Flag
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Have you spoken to him about this calmly and with an open mind when it is NOT shower time? I would pick a nice Saturday or Sunday morning or early afternoon and then ask about why he resists. His answer may surprise you. He may do better with a bath or prefer to shower at a different time of the day. Ask him if there is something that would make the experience more enjoyable for him. I wonder if he has a negative association going on. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:01 AM Flag
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OP: A million times. He then spirals into 'you just think I'm dirty, I'm fine', 'you hate me because I won't shower', etc. etc. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:35 AM Flag
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Why are you talking to an 8yo about a house rule? He does what he has been told to do, or he sits on a chair and does nothing. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 07:09 PM Flag
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Take him to a doctor. Have the doctor tell him. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:01 AM Flag
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eh that puts the doctor in a bad position since it isn't actually medically necessary to bathe very often. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:17 AM Flag
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OP: Honestly, this is probably the best bet. The doctor told him to eat fruit at the last visit and he's been religious. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:36 AM Flag
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It's worked for me--it takes the pressure off me and makes the doctor the "expert". [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:51 AM Flag
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My 9 yo DD was very resistant as well. We compromised with every other day, unless she has something very active going on like basketball or gymnastics. She's slowly gotten better about it, and is now starting to realize that her scalp is itchy if she doesn't wash her hair regularly, etc. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:07 AM Flag
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OP: Every other day would be a dream for me. I'm fighting to get him to shower once a week. He would go a month if I would let him. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:36 AM Flag
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TBH, I'd forget to fight with her about it, so sometimes it's every two (or even three, yuck!) days, unless she's got her activities. I'm hoping puberty will put an end to the whole thing when she starts to smell, but who knows? Is he very busy with physical activities? Can you say "Wednesday and Sunday are bath days, whether you need it or not?" [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:53 AM Flag
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OP: I would KILL for him to shower every 2-3 days. I'm begging for him to do it weekly and failing. The only thing saving me is that I force the deodorant every morning. No physical activities other than PE at school and running around the park on weekends. I can make all the plans and schedules for when we'll have him shower....but when it comes time, he will not budge. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:03 AM Flag
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An 8yo does not need deodorant. I think we're seeing what's going on here - you have such OCD and anxiety that you have screwed up your 8yo child already. Get yourself to a doctor for diagnosis and treatment. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 09:47 AM Flag
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Really? My kids can go once a week and they don't get itchy. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:42 AM Flag
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You are not alone. My teen was like that at 8. Now my teen takes long showers every day. My 11 yr old ds is in the thick of it though. We try to make him take a shower every other day. Sometimes it is two days. I went to a parenting talk at school and so many people had the same problem. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:17 AM Flag
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OP: Hopefully I can just ride this stage out till it's done. I would love him to shower every other night. As it is, it's once a week. Not to make excuses, but I'm a single mom and I have a really demanding job and it just is really tough to do everything and fight with him about this constantly. At least he's wearing deodorant. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:38 AM Flag
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One of my friends has her kids shower once a week. It is okay at 8. Hang in there. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:52 AM Flag
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OP: Thank you for saying this. I"m so jealous of my friends with kids who shower easily. So many basic things are a struggle with him. And he truly is a nice, sweet kid. But he has a crapton of anxiety and he is so focused on how his friends react to any changes in his appearance. I think a ton of this stems from his hair and how the washing of it may make it look different the next day. Then it's a domino and he won't want to go to school because the ends are curling up. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:05 AM Flag
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poor kid. Poor kid! I'm sorry. Anxiety sucks so much. Be kind to yourself. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:16 AM Flag
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NP-Why not try a shower cap and shower every other day? Then on Friday night wash hair. It should look "normal" again by Monday. I use a shower cap. It may solve the anxiety issue over the change in hair texture. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 11:58 PM Flag
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I don't get this--just make him shower. No if's and's or but's. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:24 AM Flag
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OP: So just physically pick him up and put him in the shower? Or get into a screaming match? How do you force your children to do stuff at your house? I'm not being flip, I'm really asking? I've done the grab his wrist and calmly walk him there. Put him in the shower. There's crying and yelling and honestly, both of us have PTSD after. I'm over it. I freaking hate struggling to just get a basic chore done. It sucks. And you can think I'm a shitty parent. Maybe I am. But I don't know how to change this and I'm sick of having the same fight every few days...over and over and over again. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:41 AM Flag
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Do you give him a 5-10 minute warning? I set a timer--it's time to take a shower when the bell rings. After a few times he's just going to figure out this is what he does. Tell him your job is to keep him healthy and clean and does he want his school reporting your family for abuse? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:53 AM Flag
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OP: Oh yes, warnings a plenty. Then it's a whole dramatic discussion. Did you see Marriage Story with Adam Driver. It's basically that - but Shower Story. I've said all the stuff about CPS and the teachers reporting me for being a bad parent, etc. etc. Nothing convinces him. He just goes into an emo death spiral about how I think he's 'dirty' and he's fine and so on and so on. I've stopped yelling because it gets me nowhere. But even calm cool and collected doesn't work. Nothing works. I hate it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:58 AM Flag
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Yikes then he's def. hard core stubborn. You're a good mom. Just remember that. All kids should have a mom that cares about them. GL! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:00 AM Flag
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OP: Thanks. It's stubborn, but it's also just super anxiety. I mentioned above, he is so nervous about his hair. He wants to be invisible at school. So hair cuts are kind of off the table now because if he gets one, kids will say 'you got a hair cut.' And he can't even handle that level of attention. It's not even negative, just an acknowledgment. I have him in a group at school with the social worker to talk through their anxieties. I feel awful for him. I don't have much anxiety, so I can't imagine it running me like it does him. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:07 AM Flag
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that is really hard. One of my kids is like this. He doesn't want to be noticed. I'm sorry. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:22 AM Flag
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OR: I was super anxious at that age. Tbh if this is the case, I might seek short term therapy. He'll feel better. It may not get better as he gets older. Is his school OK? I had a lot of rough/bullying types and it was miserable. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 01:53 PM Flag
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NP No. You can't force them. Don't physically do that. Offer incentives and maybe get a radio for the shower. Extra screen time? Shower before dinner if you want dessert at dinner? Things like that. Don't grab him and try to move him physically. You are not a shitty parent! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:53 AM Flag
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OP: Sorry because I realize all my responses to everyone sound so defeatist and defensive. But my kid does not negotiate. If I want him to do something and put a pile of cash in front of him or 8000 m&ms, he will happily say no thank you. He is not able to be incentivized. I'd almost respect it if I wasn't on the receiving end. I could literally say 'here are 7 new switch games if you'll just get in the shower' - and he won't. Nothing works. I would kill to be able to bribe him. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:00 AM Flag
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okay, okay. I'm sorry. That is really hard. Can you talk to him (not at shower time) about it? Like open your heart and say, I love you, and I know that this isn't important to you, but to adults, I don't want your teacher to think that I don't take care of you because you are stinky. If he is worried about how his hair looks from the anxiety, what if he takes a shower on friday night and then it has two days to get back to normal? Can he articulate what bothers him? Will he let you blow dry his hair so the ends are straight? (try that on a weekend tough). [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:19 AM Flag
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^^^ being honest with my tween is one thing that helps with this. I told him I didn't want people to think I didn't care about him and was just letting him be stinky. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:20 AM Flag
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Get some fun bath toys and let him take baths? He may be a little old for that, but maybe you can still motivate him to get in the tub. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:26 AM Flag
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OP: Thanks for the suggestion, but yeah...tried it. No go. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:41 AM Flag
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Does he have a favorite sport? I convinced DS to wash his hair with the shampoo one of the soccer players was advertising. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:35 AM Flag
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OP: He is not a sporty dude. He's more of a coding, legos, let's avoid all organized sports dude. But he's into some of those youtubers. Maybe I can pretend one of them advocates hygiene. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:01 AM Flag
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Absolutely! somewhere someone is doing product reviews, or promotes something. Just find it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:07 PM Flag
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He is at a need for control phase. My dc 10 now showers but will come out with dry hair. Don’t know if this will help but he loves the Dove shower foam and when aI let him play chemistry with remnants in bottles. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:47 AM Flag
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OP: I will buy it tomorrow. Couldn't hurt. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:01 AM Flag
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You mentioned he is anxious in the shower. What is he afraid of? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:34 AM Flag
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My 8yo was the same. He still hates showers but I get him to reluctantly bathe. I recommend staying dispassionate and just making it clear to him that privileges are for kids who follow minimal requirements in the house. No bath, no XYZ. Stay calm and keep it very simple, do not overexplain. If he keeps trying to engage you in an argument about it, say "asked and answered." [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:04 AM Flag
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It sounds like he might have sensory issues. Given the anxiety, I would absolutely make an appointment for him to see a counselor at school and/or privately. Anxiety is hard, and professionals can tackle it with the required personal distance and professional insight. This sounds really hard, and I often wonder the same thing about how you force a kid to do something. I think the parents suggesting that don't have hugely stubborn/anxious kids who will go nuclear if pushed. I'd make an appointment with a therapist first thing tomorrow. Anxiety is a lifelong struggle, but there are amazing tools and resources. We have so much research/info now about different techniques that work with kids suffering from exactly these kind of issues. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:29 AM Flag
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NP I agree that it sounds like a sensory issue an Occupational Therapist could address. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 01:21 PM Flag
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Does he have any other issues with sensory things? It doesnt sound like he is trying to be purposely difficult. If he is an anxious kid to start with, you should talk to someone about the best way to help him. I bet some CBT and slow desensitization program could make a huge different for you and him [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 01:53 PM Flag
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No we don't. My child has been in therapy for over a year with several different therapists. They know nothing and have offered no techniques other than meditation and placing your anxiety level on a scale, which does nothing. np [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 07:44 PM Flag
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Can you take him to an indoor pool every weekend? You can make it part of the routine that he gets the chlorine off of himself in the shower. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 11:50 AM Flag
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Also, many indoor pools require you to shower with soap before you get it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:34 PM Flag
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What about using body wipes (like baby wipes, but a little bigger for grown-ups) and dry shampoo spray? You can even microwave the wipes for a few seconds so they're warm and more comfortable... [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 01:28 PM Flag
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I read this thread and I think the problem is that you're allowing showering to be such an infrqeunt thing. Once a week is gross, first of all! But from a kid's perspective, something you do weekly is not urgent and there's never a real motivation. Think about the things you do daily vs. weekly. Weekly can easily morph into monthly. But washing your body should be a daily activity. You need to start hounding him to shower every single day. He may not want to do it but the constant nagging will get him in the end. You letting it go for a week and then nagging again is rewarding the procrastination. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:01 PM Flag
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I had the same issue with my dd (though not quite to the same degree) and I'm inclined to agree. I got to the point where I was like You know what? New rule - bathe every day. It's counterintuitive because who wants to fight about bathing every day? But somehow it helped. I mean, I still have to remind her and nag her, but not as much. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 02:25 PM Flag
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What can you take away? I'd set the expectation that he needs to shower ever night (or every other, whatever), and if not - he loses TV, video games, phone, whatever until he decides to shower. Take the fighting and power element out of it. This is the deal. Explain and enact it tonight. Ask him one time, DC - "now would be a good time if you plan on doing that tonight, if not, you know the deal." If he goes to bed without showering, then the next day - bam. Whatever it is you agreed to take away is gone. Remote is locked up. Video game controllers are gone. Phone is locked down with parental controls to only allow calls or messages (or taken away completely, not sure if he has one, you get the deal). [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 03:48 PM Flag
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np: the problem is that if the kid is acting out of anxiety this could make it worse. what i don't get is why the kid isn't in therapy, if anxiety is interfering with his daily life to this extent. CBT would likely help fairly quickly. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:07 PM Flag
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Give him a pair of goggles. One of my kids hated baths/showers b/c soap got into their eyes. With goggles it helps. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:09 PM Flag
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np: this is a great idea (and a funny visual), I'm going to try this! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:50 PM Flag
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sounds like the hair is the main issue. How about a bath for body only and dry shampoo for his hair? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 04:37 PM Flag
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Or just do CBT where he learns water on his hair and shampoo isn't going to kill him. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:18 PM Flag
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Ok, but the first suggestion can be implemented tonight. The second requires finding a therapist, figuring out where that fits into the schedule, figuring out transportation, figuring out insurance. So I think the word "just" in your reply implies an equivalency that isn't there. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:43 PM Flag
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You're the one exaggerating the second suggestion's requirements. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 07:12 PM Flag
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Have to echo the comments about sensory issues. Both my kids acted like I was trying to murder them when washing their hair - feral screaming. Taking them to OT really helped, and helped my husband in particular understand the response was neurological, not the kids being bratty. Goggles and/or a shower visor, daily bath routine (sometimes without soap, but still sitting in warm water) and remaining calm with the next level refusals help enormously with just ingraining it as part of daily life. Also, it helped the kids to talk to medical professionals about what they experience from a sensory perspective to understand the balance between what one part of their body felt, vs. what their whole body needs (hygiene for health) to stay healthy is useful. You need to talk to your pediatrician because it is not within norms, and it can be helped. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 05:46 PM Flag
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Last night I told my 10yo to shower. I cleaned up from dinner and she was in her pjs with a towel around her hair when I finished. I said that seemed fast so I felt her towel and it was dry. Some days its a struggle but she's creative. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:02 PM Flag
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Same thing happened to me the other day, but with the toothbrush. I was furious--he's almost 16!! I'm like "Do you think I'm stupid? This toothbrush is dry!" [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.28.20, 02:01 PM Flag
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I let DC's pick out shampoo at store, it helps. I also found DS was hoarding shampoo/soap/gel from hotel trips in his luggage. I asked him which was his favorite, and bought the $$$$$ shampoo he liked - that helped too. If that's the price to pay for no fights - I'll take it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 06:53 PM Flag
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you lost me at deodorant for an 8 year old. This is a control issue. You are in a tug of war over his body You need to seek pro advice, because this is the type of thing that leads to teen eading disorders. When the parent tries to control the childs body, it becomes a loaded issue. I dont know how you fix it, but when you siad deodorant, its clear you are too invested in if he smells, how is is perceived. Of course he needs bathing, but he has lost the space to even want to be clean because you have dramatized it too much (CPS, etc, deodorant). At age 4 or 5 you dont need to threan- its bath time NOW, etc. By the timethey are 8, they understand that its not a discussion. You took a wt=rong turn, but you cant use force or threats. Talk to a pro, because in 4 years he'll have anorexis. This is how big issues start [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 07:14 PM Flag
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*eating. clearly some typos [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 07:14 PM Flag
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We got our son Degree 48 deoderant, cheaper than Mitchum Clinical Strength and works just as well. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 10:29 PM Flag
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wtf [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.28.20, 04:59 PM Flag
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It sounds like a mix of anxiety and sensory issues. Find a therapist who specializes in treating kids with anxiety. They will help you! GL [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 10:05 PM Flag
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I got our son one of those 3 in one man washes (Nivea, Irish Spring). He loved Irish Spring and he loved the way he smelled afterwards. I just put a selection (I think I bought 5) on the side of the tub and said: Well, you may want to check these out. That did the trick. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 10:28 PM Flag
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Could it be water in his eyes? A pair of swim goggles? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 10:29 PM Flag
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DS got interested in girls...now I can't get him out of the bathroom cause the whole grooming ritual takes forever. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 10:32 PM Flag
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How about those microfiber quick hair drying towels for his hair and some hair product? I don't disagree with therapy, but there are some practical measures you can take first. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 11:00 PM Flag
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I can totally relate to this because my 9-year-old son was similar (and still goes through these phases). Showering/bathing was a knock-down, drag-out fight that would turn into rage attacks. I tried everything... sometimes he would be compliant if I gave him choices (shower in the AM or PM? shower or bathe? shower in my bathroom or the kids' bathroom?) but sometimes nothing worked. It's SO hard to fight these battles. My son has severe anxiety and sensory issues and ended up being hospitalized on an inpatient psychiatry unit. There, they had to shower daily, and I'm sure he initially fought it, but eventually gave in. We received a lot of parent training about using a positive reinforcement system. I know you've tried it and it hasn't worked for you, but I made a board that had "evening hygiene" on it with shower, wash hair, wash body, get PJs on, and brush teeth, and if he did those things he earned a reward that he really wanted (either playing the Nintendo Switch with me for 15 min or watching a YouTube video of kids playing Minecraft with me). Sometimes there is still drama/fights - in fact, last night he gave me that "I don't WANNA shower" look and stomped his feet, but eventually he got in. I know I'm not giving you any great advice, but I just wanted to say that I understand and parents of compliant kids don't. I suspect your kiddo has anxiety and sensory issues, and he really hates showering for a reason that might be hard for him to explain. :( [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.27.20, 11:10 PM Flag
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^This is great advice. np [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 01.28.20, 01:08 AM Flag
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